Feedback please! :) (Whose Reality)

[sweetiepi]

Hi!
How can I further improve this context piece, as I feel as it is slightly subpar?

Prompt: “Dreams are more believable than reality”
Main focus text: Death of a Salesman

Reality is a broad range of ideas and experiences that are believed to happen in the world. These beliefs help shape the way in we live, in the form of what you sense and more in depth, dreams. Dreams are essentially created by emotions or constructed views, by which we use in our everyday lives. Dreams are somewhat more believable than reality, however, dreams are heavily influenced by ideals that we think of.

Our emotions play a great deal into how we interpret dreams. These insights interfere with our interactions with others, thus ingraining into our minds that it is okay to feel how we do. This feeling of its okay, allows us to alter our dreams, on an emotional level. A sort of emotional-level dream is the American Dream, where the focus is placed on the public to feel proud that they own a decent house, car and appliances, toying with the notion that nobody should fail to make this dream their own. This type of manipulation can be seen in Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman. He allows himself to become absolutely devoted, that he becomes proud, as he lets the American dream swallow him whole, invoking him to place faith whole heartedly on the wraith that is the American Dream. As Willy Loman progresses, his family attempt to carefully reach out to him, as they perceive that Willy is far too ‘involved’ to realise his reality and visions are not one and the same. Altogether, emotions play a huge part in how dreams are often more believable than reality.

Constructed societal values make us treat dreams and reality as one and the same. Values taught from a very young age have a huge impact on the likelihood of how we perceive an event. This perception can viewed in either imaginations or in the real-world. Tom Raines, from Insignia, strives to achieve his dream of being someone. This dream is accepted as concrete, being as real as his face. This allows him to believe that he can be told that he’d be someone and then that turning into a dream, only to become real again. This reliance on a set of values allows us to manipulate the events to fit in with our sense of self and values, only to make us realise that if we can do that while we are awake, we can do manipulate our thoughts as we sleep too. Dreams and reality are one and the same in the context of societal values.

What we experience as individuals vary from person to person, making reality more intuitive. This is known as ‘Multiple realities’, where more than one version of events can exist. These versions of events allow us to see that things aren’t always how we hoped they would turn out. This can be highlighted by the apparent ideology that Melbourne is a bustling and vibrant city centre. This is viewed as correct for many people, who look at the lovely city via photographs and see it as a good place to live and work. That is the reality of some people who interpret that as seen in magazines. However, the homeless dream of a Melbourne that is photographed. They cannot believe in that delusion as they see their version of Melbourne as being the dull, lifeless city that they are forced to sleep in the empty cold streets in the middle of winter. Therefore this example suggests to us that what we dream is unachievable and is less truthful than what we see with our own eyes.

Reality is often less reliable than dreams. This can be affected by emotions, values and different perceptions of the same event or place. Why would you completely trust dreams, when you live in the real world?

[FallingStar]

Prompt: “Dreams are more believable than reality”
Main focus text: Death of a Salesman

Reality is a broad range of ideas and experiences that are believed to happen in the world. These beliefs help shape the way in we live, in the form of what you sense and more in depth, dreams. Dreams are essentially created by emotions or constructed views, by which we use in our everyday lives. Dreams are somewhat more believable than reality, however, dreams are heavily influenced by ideals that we think of.

Our emotions play a great deal into how we interpret dreams. These insights interfere with our interactions with others, thus ingraining into our minds that it is okay to feel how we do. This feeling of its okay, allows us to alter our dreams, on an emotional level. A sort of emotional-level dream is the American Dream, where the focus is placed on the public to feel proud that they own a decent house, car and appliances, toying with the notion that nobody should fail to make this dream their own. This type of manipulation can be seen in Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman. He allows himself to become absolutely devoted, that he becomes proud, as he lets the American dream swallow him whole, invoking him to place faith whole heartedly on the wraith that is the American Dream. Please explain the emotions involved here. You talked about it, but it does need to be explained As Willy Loman progresses, his family attempt to carefully reach out to him, as they perceive that Willy is far too ‘involved’ to realise his reality and visions are not one and the same. Altogether, emotions play a huge part in how dreams are often more believable than reality.

Constructed societal values make us treat dreams and reality as one and the same. Values taught from a very young age have a huge impact on the likelihood of how we perceive an event. This perception can viewed in either imaginations or in the real-world. Tom Raines, from Insignia, strives to achieve his dream of being someone. This dream is accepted as concrete, being as real as his face. This allows him to believe that he can be told that he’d be someone and then that turning into a dream, only to become real again. This reliance on a set of values allows us to manipulate the events to fit in with our sense of self and values, only to make us realise that if we can do that while we are awake, we can do manipulate our thoughts as we sleep too. Dreams and reality are one and the same in the context of societal values. Please link to your contention of the prompt. Write about how constructed social values link to either "dreams are somewhat more believable than reality" or "dreams are heavily influenced by the ideals we think of."

What we experience as individuals vary from person to person, making reality more intuitive. This is known as ‘Multiple realities’, where more than one version of events can exist. These versions of events allow us to see that things aren’t always how we hoped they would turn out. This can be highlighted by the apparent ideology that Melbourne is a bustling and vibrant city centre. This is viewed as correct for many people, who look at the lovely city via photographs and see it as a good place to live and work. That is the reality of some people who interpret that as seen in magazines. However, the homeless dream of a Melbourne that is photographed. They cannot believe in that delusion as they see their version of Melbourne as being the dull, lifeless city that they are forced to sleep in the empty cold streets in the middle of winter. Therefore this example suggests to us that what we dream is unachievable and is less truthful than what we see with our own eyes. Perhaps you could include more examples, or you can link back to your texts. Talk about Willy Loman. He dreams of being the best salesman in America, yet this dream is deceptive. Then, compare his reality with the reality of the Biff, Happy and Linda.

Reality is often less reliable than dreams. This can be affected by emotions, values and different perceptions of the same event or place. Why would you completely trust dreams, when you live in the real world? Ambiguous. You first said that reality is less reliable than dreams, yet you have also said in the next sentence that dreams are unreliable as well.

Your response seems convoluted at times. You may not have a clear idea of your context (as I have spoken to you in IRC). English mechanics wise, you are doing quite well.

At times, I actually don't understand what you're trying to say. You will need to make it bluntly clear to the examiner that you understand the prompt. That means that they will need to understand what you are saying, which means making it clear for the marker.

Your contention needs to be clearer. The examiners only look at your piece for like 5 minutes, so make it clear, such that they don't have to look for it.

Do you have Lauren's lecture slides? They're here: http://atarnotes.com/note/atar-notes-english-lecture-january-2016/
They may actually really help with your English studies. Kudos to Lauren for that. It's not my work. May help you to get a better idea.

Although you have used external ideas in this essay, I would like to see more of that. Perhaps this would help: ~*Context External Examples Guide*~

Feel free to surf the net for more materials. Maybe check out ABC Media watch, where many of the episodes contain stuff that's very relevant to whose reality.

For a more clearer idea of whose reality:
http://year12ssc.wikispaces.com/file/view/Intro+Whose+Reality.pdf
But a word of warning: This is dated at 2007. It is very old, but nonetheless useful.

[TheLlama]

At the moment, this piece is really floating around in quite general territory. Rather than just focusing on largely abstract ideas, look for an opportunity to focus more on concrete examples and use those as an opportunity to enlarge your discussion.

Take your example about Willy bring swallowed whole. It's an interesting idea - the way in which dreams can consume us our overtake our lives - but it's a little underdeveloped and it doesn't write connect to this specific prompt. Bring your examples up earlier so you can expand on them, and make sure you think about how they link back to the prompt!

The main tip I would be giving you at the moment is to think about the gaps, those parts where you could say a little bit more so the reader understand why you're residing a particular point