Repost: (Text response) Gwen Harwood Role of women

[crystallisation]

I forgot there was this topic and I don't know how to move posts so I'll just repost what I wrote
Hi,
So I have to write a 500 paragraph on the role of women in the poems 'In The Park' and 'Suburban Sonnet' this is what  I have so far I don't think it's right but here it is

Harwood focuses on the role women have in families,  both poems express her feelings of motherhood in a negative aspect. In the Park and Suburban Sonnet depicts her mundane lifestyle and the restrictive routine she lives by, sacrificing her dreams and passion for her children. She conveys motherhood as exhausting the 'Zest and love drain out', her life becomes monotonous and causes even the smallest things to become prominent such as 'her veins ach(ing)'. These descriptions of her life show readers married women are forced to live a dull life, doing chores and tending to their children needs. In the Suburban Sonnet Harwood's depiction of a 'mousetrap where a mouse lies dead' symbolizes her life,  trapped by motherhood leaving her dreams to die. Similarly in the poem In the Park she describes her children 'have eaten (her) alive' these negative (connotations???) show how her children and lifestyle has consumed her, draining all the excitement and passion she once had.

I don't know what else I should add, I think this is pretty bad I'm not sure if I'm really addressing the role of women properly... Please help

[literally lauren]

Harwood focuses on the role women have in families,  both poems express her feelings of motherhood in a negative aspect. okay, so at the moment, this is explaining a fairly simple idea in a fairly simple way. Please note that this is WAAAAAY better than if you had tried to jazz it up unnecessarily and stick in a bunch of irrelevant nonsense about the 'ambiance of the poems' or whatever. That said, whilst you can definitely get marks for the content, a really simplified structure can negatively affect your marks for writing and expression. Again, it's better to err on the side of clarity because you're guaranteed to get some marks, but if you can maintain that same level of clarity AND present your ideas in a smoother way, you can get marks for your expression too! For instance: 'Throughout her poetry, Harwood explores the role of women, particularly mothers, and critiques the immense burdens that are placed upon them by society.' or 'Harwood's poems explore the responsibilities of motherhood and extol women who have the strength to prevail through the mundanity of domestic life.' In the Park and Suburban Sonnet depicts her mundane lifestyle and the restrictive routine she lives by, sacrificing her dreams and passion for her children. She conveys motherhood as exhausting the 'Zest and love drain out', her life becomes monotonous and causes even the smallest things to become prominent how do you know? How does the poem present this in a prominent way? such as 'her veins ach(ing)'. These descriptions of her life show readers try to refer to them as 'the audience' for poems, unless your teacher says otherwise married women are forced to live a dull life, doing chores and tending to their children's needs. <-- what's the connection between these two ideas?-->In the Suburban Sonnet Harwood's depiction of a 'mousetrap where a mouse lies dead' symbolizes her life,  trapped by motherhood leaving her dreams to die you've got the right piece of evidence, and the right overall meaning, but you need to show your workings here! How does this dead mouse symbolise the plight of the woman? You're right, but you need to conduct a bit more discussion/explanation to show your reader that you're right Similarly in the poem In the Park she describes her children 'have eaten (her) alive' these negative (connotations???) you're using the word 'connotations' correctly here, but it's still a little bit general. To say that words have 'negative connotations' literally means 'this word makes us think of bad stuff'  Instead, try to say something like 'These words, with their connotations of...' <-- where you fill in that blank with more descriptive terms show how her children and lifestyle has consumed her, draining all the excitement and passion she once had. Through this, Harwood suggests that...? <-- any time you reach the end of a body paragraph (though I know you said this was unfinished, so dw) try to use a statement like this to zoom out and force yourself to consider the broader authorial message that's being explored. It makes for a great paragraph closer, and it can also help you round off your discussion to take things back to the prompt (i.e. if you're worried about not really getting at that core question of 'the role of women,' this is your chance to make that focus clear!)

This is a good start, and I like that you've made an effort to talk about both poems rather than just deal with them separately. That said, remember that whilst it's pretty vital to talk about multiple poems in each body paragraph, you have to make the transitions easy to follow. If you just conclude one discussion and then start the next with 'In another poem...' it can seem a bit clunky. The idea-based connections that you're making are really important, so make them as clear as possible to your assessor!

Also, it'd pay to zoom in to the poems a bit more so that you can explain evidence effectively (e.g. how is the mousetrap a symbol for the oppression of women? How do the aching veins signify the pain of monotony?) In terms of what to add, this process of discussing the significance of quotes should be your first priority, but the final/concluding/linking sentence at the end where you answer the question 'what is Harwood saying about the role of women' is a close second. Focusing on both of those things will boost your writing significantly, so see how you go & let me know if you have any questions