Hello, could you please mark this essay out of 10 and correct/provide feedback.
The article can be found here, our class was only given page 14 and 15 to analyse. [
http://www.vcaa.vic.edu.au/Documents/exams/english/2004english.pdf]
Thank you to anyone who provides any feedback, any feedback is valuable to me!
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Following the issue of whether students from Metro High School should be allowed to bring mobile phones to school, principal John Black wrote a message in the school newsletter informing parents that it is necessary for mobile phones to be banned at Metro High School. In response to this message, parent May Brown emailed principal John Black asking him to reconsider this ban as students should learn to use their phones responsibly.
The principal’s message in the parent newsletter contends that banning mobile phones is a necessary precaution as he argues that they’re disruptive, hinders education and protect minors and reduce crimes. From the beginning, in an authoritative tone, Black informs parents that “no student will be allowed to bring a mobile phone onto school property”, this is bolded in the message to ensure parents are aware of seriousness in the school council’s decision. Black justifies his actions by listing several reasons for his decision, presenting it as logical and reasonable, encouraging parents to assist Black in ensuring their children don’t bring their mobile phones to school. He informs parents that “no fewer than 37 students” have had their phones “stolen from lockers or bags”, this high crime rate shocks parents and thus influences them to not allow their children to bring their mobile phone to school as they wouldn’t want their child to be a victim of another phone theft. Black demoralises parents who are against this ban by labelling them as not “sensible” and “selfish”, positioning them to feel as if they are a part of a minority, and therefore encouraging those against the banning to instead view his reasoning behind his actions as sensible and reasonable.
He moves onto a more determined and assertive tone that it is a “must” that mobile phones are banned as they pose a threat to the schools values the school “must uphold”, by saying it’s a “must”, he presents this decision as a necessity in ensuring a certain standard is put in place. Additionally, this assertion is supported by the school emblem and a cartoon image of a person in an academic gown in the front page of the newsletter. These images symbolise academia, integrity, “responsibility”, and “excellence” – values that an institute with high regards for education tends to uphold. By describing Metro High School as an “institution”, a word that’s associated with organisations that value traditional education and excellence, Black implies that his school values traditional education and seeks to maintain a certain standard in regards to education. In conjunction with the word “must” – a word with strong emotive language and the two images, Black seeks parents to perceive mobile phones as a threat to the educational values black seeks to “preserve” at his school, thus encouraging them to support his actions in banning mobile phones.
In contrast, May Brown’s email to Mr Black in response to his principal’s message in the parent’s newsletter takes on a more individualistic approach to the mobile phone ban. In a concerned and upset tone, Brown begins by explaining the effects of the ban on her family as she explains how “the use of technology” has made life more “simpler and safer” and the need for her as a parent to know the whereabouts and health condition of her daughter, evoking sympathy in Black and thus encouraging him to reconsider the repercussions of his blanket ban on mobile phones.
Brown moves on in a reasoned and measured tone and urges Black to reconsider the benefits of the phone ban. Her statement that “some students are misusing their phones so all students are to be penalised!”, highlights the absurdity in the banning of mobile phones and the lack of individual rights students have, this is further emphasised through the use of an exclamation mark. She suggests that such rules “don’t help educate our children” and that these penalties should only apply to those who “misuse their phones”; as in society, “adults [who] break [the] law … suffer the consequences.” Her reasoning behind the need for students to be held accountable for their actions is further supported by the notion that in order for there to be a “truly harmonious community,” self-discipline needs to be instilled in students. Which are values that Black seek to uphold, thus persuading Black to reconsider the ban as it may not be as effective as he had thought it to be.
Unlike Black, Brown believes that to truly educate students and allow them to learn from their mistakes, students need to have “a role in setting the rules” that they have to adhere to. She presents her argument that by simply banning the use of phones just because a number of students have been “misusing their phones”; this goes against the notion of “build[ing] true individual responsibility in students” which will be beneficial in the “long run.” Thus implying that Black’s decision may result in upholding the school’s traditional educational values, it won’t be beneficial for the greater good and in the future. Consequently, this encourages Black to reconsider his recent decision to ban mobile phones at Metro High School, as he may not have realised the potential repercussions for his decision.
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