This is completely unedited! Prepare for some major grammatical mistakes 
Hey, there!
I just had a read and it's coming together well. I love the manipulation of form you have already demonstrated so early in the story with the font and the colours. It has a great premise and I'm sure your research into the Tienanmen Square Massacre will enhance it further. The plot has been paced nicely so far and I would love to see where it leads off to!
My general tips to extend on it would be to aim to give the reader a stronger connection with your protagonist from the get go and to play more with fragmentation as you already have shown. At this stage, I feel like I am being told how I should think and feel about the character which is something you should try to avoid unless it is deliberate. Give the reader space to determine who this protagonist is by describing more of his actions and thoughts. One thing you could do first is describe the camera a bit more in detail because if the very first time he stole was so significant that it would be the opening line of your story, I would advise you to elaborate on that experience. How did your character feel about it all? It was mentioned but could definitely help to create a more complex protagonist.
Your story also has another setting introduced at the end and the reader needs to be able to familarise themselves with this new change. Look into photographs and read accounts from people who have been to the bars to grasp a more holistic perception of the place. Once again, it tells the reader more about your character because of how they describe the place in their thoughts.
Finally, your use of fragmentation is quite interesting and I would encourage you to continue with it when drafting further. Perhaps when you write further ahead you might find that you can shuffle the fragments around and see how they impact your creative's execution. For example, I like that you have given a backstory first but you may end up deciding to place it in the middle where it is least expected. This comes with time so try find some other texts which use this style effectively to give you inspiration. I recommend 'A Christmas Carol' which has a flashback and a flashforward or watching 'Cloud Atlas' which jumps across many characters.
If you would like annotated feedback, I would be happy to provide it for you! Just flick me a message and I'll help you out that way. I hope this gives you some direction! Have a great day and happy writing
Angelina
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Topic: English Extension 2 Draft (Read 1246 times)