English AOS Discovery Essay Marking

[theyam]

Hello,

Could someone give suggestions on how to improve (my tutor's comments are in the document but I don't know how to fix it) or just give some comments/advice.

Thank you
theyam

[dancing phalanges]

Hello,

Could someone give suggestions on how to improve (my tutor's comments are in the document but I don't know how to fix it) or just give some comments/advice.

Thank you
theyam

Hey! Before I start, just quickly, except for the concluding bit, I think the comments your tutor made, whilst valid, are not massive issues and I actually think what you have wrote in these instances are fine! The last sentence of the intro is taking the part of the rubric on discoveries stimulating new perspectives but taking a more specific and unique approach on it R.E the environment which I like and your other comment from the tutor R.E focusing more on the world - I think you are still focusing on the world R.E consumerist society.

The confronting discovery of truth about the world and humanity is significant as it prompts individuals to reconsider their perspective on global issues.  This is evident in Robert Gray’s poems, “The Meatworks” and “Flames and Dangling Wire” in which individuals discover the dark reality of our consumerist actions upon the natural landscape and humanity’s apathy as a response to this situation. This notion is also clear  in Prince Ea’s short film “MAN VS EARTH” in which he confronts audiences with the discovery that they have contributed to the Earth’s demise, ultimately prompting them to reassess their role in protecting the environment. 

Discovering the reality behind humanity’s contribution to the deterioration of the landscape is confronting yet intensely meaningful. This discovery is significant as an emotional response is evoked within individuals. Not necessary for mine
Within “The Meatworks”, Gray’s emphatic interpretation of a world barren of spirituality is confronting for responders because of their sudden discovery of the ramifications of consumerism upon the natural landscape. Gray’s synaesthesia of sensory imagery creates a nauseating effect in describing the “the sticky stench (of blood) that sent flies mad”, provoking readers to be cognizant and thus emotionally responsive towards the brutality nature is subjected to. The realisation of the repercussions stemming from humanity’s actions is further propelled by Gray’s representation of machinery, “that gnawed it hysterically… fused every light in the shop”. Despite the use of personification, the machine’s inanimate nature is ironically enhanced due to its representation as cruel and inhumane, a subtle comment towards humanity’s consumerist actions.  Additionally the “fused lights” due to machinery production, is a symbol of the darkness humanity is bringing upon nature.  This solidifies the evocative response within the audience: a sense of dread and disgust towards humanity’s cruel consumerist progression to the destruction of nature. Pushing responders beyond the mundaneness of a sausage factory, Gray has cultivated “The Meatworks” as a medium to represent the ramifications of consumerism upon the natural world, an intensely meaningful discovery made further significant by its ability to evoke an emotion amongst readers.Honestly - this paragraph is close to a piece of art. Nearly faultless. You have dissected Gray's Meatworks perfectly and still kept it relevant to discovery - top job!
 Similarly, Prince Ea’s “MAN VS EARTH” presents responders with the confronting discovery of humanity’s role in causing the earth’s destruction. The effective motif of time is introduced, “three seconds, and look what we’ve done”. As Prince Ea places emphasis on this line, a montage of destruction featuring rubbish dumps and polluted waters is played. This ultimately initiates an emotional response within viewers as they begin to understand the horrific extent of humanity’s destruction within these mere “three seconds”. Like Robert Gray, Prince Ea cultivates his discovery as a discussion regarding humanity’s actions. This is achieved by juxtaposition, “turned the circle of life into our own personal conveyor belt”; a symbol of divinity and sacredness is starkly contrasted against a  “conveyor belt”. Thus, this juxtaposition culminates into a critique towards humanity’s degradation of nature as a means of profit. The use of the inclusive pronoun “our”, consolidates that humanity cannot divert the blame to someone else because it is inextricably “our” fault. This causes a sense of guilt within responders as they realise their collective role in the Earth’s deterioration. Hence, Prince Ea has at present, utilised rhetoric to confront audiences with their role in Earth’s decline. Like “The Meatworks”, audiences are caused to be emotionally responsive, encapsulating the intensely meaningful nature of this discovery. Thus, it is clear that discoveries are especially significant as they have the capacity to be confronting yet intensely meaningful, therefore evoking an emotional response from the individual. Another great effort but I think the final three sentences or so after HENCE are a bit repetitive. I think you need to find a couple of synonyms for confronting, emotional and meaningful as they are coming up a lot.

The significance of complex discoveries not only entails its ability to evoke an emotional responses within audiences, but also have the capacity to prompt responders to re-evaluate the state of their own world.
Within “Flames and Dangling Wire”, Gray’s interpretation of a world barren of spirituality confronts readers to evaluate the gravitas of our current situation; humanity’s detrimental lack of empathy to other humans and the landscape is causing our self-destruction.
This discovery for the responder initially materialises through Gray’s persona reacting to the dystopian setting: “an always burning dump”, the aftermath of humanity’s wasteful nature. The persona describes what he sees in a nonchalant tone, “And there are others moving- scavengers”. Rather than provide an emotional response to ramifications of consumerism, the persona’s demonstrates an underlying arrogance. The effective amalgam of tone and language of “scavengers” is a connotation that the people within this ruined landscape are beneath him or her. Thus, the hellish setting and the persona’s emotional void provoke audiences to assess the discovery of humanity’s apathy. Not sure I 100% agree with this analysis. I interpret the scavengers reference to be Gray further emphasising the barbaric nature society will degrade to if their consumerist culture continues. I personally don't see how the quote is about arrogance within the narrator. It is moreso a way that Gray can haunt the responder with the grim future of humanity. This is further solidified by the rhetorical question, “how can he avoid a hatred of men?” when humanity’s apathy has created a world akin to that of “The Raft of Medusa”. This horrific portrayal of cannibalism is an effective allusion, a symbol of how humanity’s apathy is the causing our self-destruction. Hence, “Flames and Dangling Wire” has confronted readers to re-assess the very real possibility of humanity’s apathy dominating a landscape ruined by our consumerist nature. Your analysis is extensive but I still don't agree with the main idea of flames and dangling wires being apathy to man's destruction.
 I think more simply it serves as a warning against man's downfall as a result of consumerism. Likewise, “MAN VS EARTH” propels responders re-evaluate their role in creating consumerist-dominated world. Ultimately, responders realise the need to be active in order for the environment to be protected. Responders are ultimately propelled to make such a difference when Ea breaks the fourth wall, it is “up to you … to make the effort”. Watch for repeating responders and propelled etc. it takes away from the sophistication of your piece.By ending his speech this way, Ea effectively compels audiences to consider their passiveness and correct their misdoings. It is also a signal for audiences to recognise that every person’s effort is needed if humanity is to progress in harmony with the environment. This notion is enhanced when Ea emphasises that it is crucial that only “together… can we make it to the fourth second”. Ea ultimately ends with the motif of time to symbolise the hastening need for humanity to not only be collectively active, but also work “together” if “we” are to save “the world”. Therefore, Ea effectively utilises the audience’s initial emotions to evaluate their purpose in this world, ultimately persuading them to be active in their fight to protect their environment.
Thus, discoveries from texts are highly significant as the audience is not only impacted to respond to the text, but also creates a response themselves by evaluating the current state of their world.  [

Conclusively, it is clear that confronting discoveries regarding a shameful truth about our world and humanity is characterised by the impact upon the individual. Such discoveries are significant as they have the ability to evoke an emotional response and prompt individuals to reconsider one’s perspective on our current world and humanity. This has been exemplified in Robert Gray’s poetry  “The Meatworks” and “Flames and Dangling Wire” and also Prince Ea’s short film, “MAN VS EARTH”. I think, as your tutor said, this is not a strong last sentence. I think you should focus on the main idea of all texts R.E environmental degradation and the warning all composers give towards humanity to act as the main discovery taken out of all texts. That would be a strong conclusion to wrap up an otherwise great essay.

Overall, a stellar piece with a few small concerns that I have highlighted. Hope I have helped!