URGENT! FREAKING OUT FOR TASK DUE THURSDAY!

[d0r4]

Someone please help me with this! I look at it and it's fine but I feel like there's something really wrong with it that I'm not seeing!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! In the interests of giving you some feedback so you've got something to work on tomorrow, a 2 minute blitz read:

- More variety in sentence length! All your sentences are long, add some short ones for tension. Use commas to space things correctly for the reader - Read it aloud, a comma at every pause, and a full stop at every breath!

- Make sure that if you are using dialogue, it sounds realistic. Again, read aloud - Is that actually how it would be said? It is very difficult to make an entire paragraph of dialogue not sound mechanical.

- Watch for over description - Only use imagery when you are describing something worth describing.

- The story itself seems a little awkward, given that we have a setup for taking a journey, but we then cut to a journal entry to finish. I don't think it quite meshes nicely? You could go entirely to a journal, or cut the journal entry down, perhaps even having a few smaller ones at key points. But cutting to it for the second half feels strange to me.

- The concept is too obvious at the end, a sentence like this: And that at the end of the day, it was nothing to be nervous about, but a journey that I knew would transform me entirely. It's too obvious, try and be more subtle with the concepts you are trying to convey! They should come through without having to just say them!

- While the romantic aspect of the story is a little cliche, the cultural bit is cool - The romance is symbolic for a disconnect from one culture and an affinity with another. I think you could play that up more if you can, focus on the cultural transformation. A romance story that isn't really about the romance

(Skimming over this, I sound a bit like a jerk because I'm being so upfront, but I'm just marking quickly! Genuinely hope it helps, best of luck with the task )

[d0r4]

Thank you!!