English Argument Analysis Practice Essay

[Ajakara]

Hey Clarke,
Would love some feedback on the essay that I wrote! Please be harsh. Cheers (would prefer a mark out of 10 as VCAA does it).
I have attached below the Stimulus I used as well.

[OZLexico]

I think you've got a lot of description and summary and not enough analysis happening here.  I think the real problem is that you have found it hard to actually state Burden's arguments clearly.  You have some good explanation of likely reader reaction and you could make a bit more comment about Burden's use of comparison.  Your section about the 'Have Your Say' document is a bit too general - these writers are expressing different views in different tones and they give qualified support for Burden's views, satiric support for Burden and a declaration (opposing Burden's views) in favour of the 'health' benefits of bottled water.  You've made good connections between aspects of Job's cartoon and the statistics quoted by Burden.  You could also try to give your conclusion a bit more impact as you've made a sort of summary.  This is okay but you could use a couple of statements that provide an effective overview of the issue instead of just repeating some of the points you've already discussed.