English Advanced: NEW Common Module Creative

[r1ckworthy]

Hello all,

You might have seen my old creative marked here. I would like someone to mark my new creative, which still retains the idea behind the old one but is vastly new. It is so different, that I would like someone to check if it is any good. Please mark it harshly, as I hope I have polished and made it 10 times better.

[meerae]

Hello all,

You might have seen my old creative marked here. I would like someone to mark my new creative, which still retains the idea behind the old one but is vastly new. It is so different, that I would like someone to check if it is any good. Please mark it harshly, as I hope I have polished and made it 10 times better.

Hi r1ckworthy!
Had a read through, it is nicely written. However, I found a ton of spelling and grammar errors that annoyed me, so I fixed those myself, I added some comments in bold but there wasn't much to add. Also, I felt you relied on dialogue heavily rather than imagery to properly create the setting of the story, it felt as though you were telling through the characters rather than showing us through their actions, do you get what I mean?

Attached is your story, I've highlighted a couple of phrases and its colour coded;
yellow: phrasing - easy fix, just read the story out loud and fix it as you read through
green: used a descriptive word that didn't fit the situation
blue: described a metaphor rather than showing it -  you did this but you could've left the ashes/fireplace stuff and mentioned it again at the end of the story and described the ocean stuff more subtlety
pink: cliches/almost cliches
red: what felt like unnecessary dialogue

Hope this helped!
meerae

[r1ckworthy]

Hi r1ckworthy!
Had a read through, it is nicely written. However, I found a ton of spelling and grammar errors that annoyed me, so I fixed those myself, I added some comments in bold but there wasn't much to add. Also, I felt you relied on dialogue heavily rather than imagery to properly create the setting of the story, it felt as though you were telling through the characters rather than showing us through their actions, do you get what I mean?

Attached is your story, I've highlighted a couple of phrases and its colour coded;
yellow: phrasing - easy fix, just read the story out loud and fix it as you read through
green: used a descriptive word that didn't fit the situation
blue: described a metaphor rather than showing it -  you did this but you could've left the ashes/fireplace stuff and mentioned it again at the end of the story and described the ocean stuff more subtlety
pink: cliches/almost cliches
red: what felt like unnecessary dialogue

Hope this helped!
meerae

Thank you for your help!!! It's weird, because at first I wrote it with no dialogue, then now with a lot of dialogue. I guess what this narrative really needs is a balance between dialogue and imagery. I felt there was something lacking in my narrative, but I guess I was really telling the story rather than showing. I am rewriting it now, and I feel it is much more effective. Once again, thank you so much!!

[meerae]

Thank you for your help!!! It's weird, because at first I wrote it with no dialogue, then now with a lot of dialogue. I guess what this narrative really needs is a balance between dialogue and imagery. I felt there was something lacking in my narrative, but I guess I was really telling the story rather than showing. I am rewriting it now, and I feel it is much more effective. Once again, thank you so much!!

No worries!! I feel everyone has trouble with finding that balance (my first y11 assessment had one piece of dialogue in the whole story) but with practice it eventually begins to feel normal and you find it easy! Good luck writing!

meerae