Persuasive Speech

[K.Smithy]

Hi all!

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on what I have so far for my persuasive speech for English? My draft is due tomorrow but I thought I may as well get some additional feedback
The task is kind of weird, we have to pretend we work for 'The Feed' (if you haven't seen 'The Feed', it is news delivered differently - yes, I realise that is the slogan for 'The Project' . It is targeted towards a younger audience and often times includes humour.) and we are presenting a news report. I've never written in a news reporty style before but hey, there's a first time for everything (I've also been told that I don't need to do the whole "Hello, and welcome to this weeks segment of The Feed" thing, so that's why that isn't included). I wrote this in one day so idk how good it is.

Also, my teacher told me to make sure my language is appropriate for my audience. I've also been told to make sure I'm not using too many statistics and only using what is relevant. I tried to do this to the best of my ability.

Thanks,
Katelyn

EDIT: lol, forgot to add that this will be accompanied by a PPT so some of it (specifically the second paragraph) isn't gonna make sense at all without the context provided in the PPT slides. I have screen shotted some headlines like "Australians ranked in the top 5 sexiest nationalities" (this is where I link the "the people are shmexy (ooh la la)" bit, and also links to the America only being ranked 45th bit)

[Bri MT]

- Some of your arguments don't work well together. e.g. you argue that investing in anthropogenic climate change research will help the economy but also that the economy isn't that important anyway (at quite different points too)
- Your default writing style seem to be more formal and technical than the target audience for this piece e.g. how many people in your audience will know what you mean by internal displacement?
- I'd be interested to know your source for rising temperatures making the oceans more acidic. It's well established that inc in CO2 contributes to ocean acidification so AGW and ocean acidification definitely are linked but I'm not sure they are linked in the way you say. Also, what do you mean by making the oceans less dynamic?
- You use a lot of stats & it might be useful to narrow that down to focusing on a few key ones which you can put in context. People aren't good with knowing what numbers mean, but if you can give them some way of understand your figures it probably better to spend time on that rather than introducing more
- You also use a lot of expert opinion and sometimes this is a bit clunky. e.g." Findings published in the Institute of Physics’ 2016 May issue of Environmental Research Letters" is a lot of words to introduce a statement.
- Your passion comes through well
- I like that this reads as a speech rather than an essay
- Keep fighting the good fight

[K.Smithy]

- Some of your arguments don't work well together. e.g. you argue that investing in anthropogenic climate change research will help the economy but also that the economy isn't that important anyway (at quite different points too)

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. I'll make sure to work on that.

- Your default writing style seem to be more formal and technical than the target audience for this piece e.g. how many people in your audience will know what you mean by internal displacement?

My writing style is my biggest downfall for every English task, its a real struggle. Also, I have just added in the definition of internal displacement, so hopefully that one is cleared up. I'm gonna go through my speech tonight and look for any more words that may need a little bit of explanation or to be changed. 

- I'd be interested to know your source for rising temperatures making the oceans more acidic. It's well established that inc in CO2 contributes to ocean acidification so AGW and ocean acidification definitely are linked but I'm not sure they are linked in the way you say. Also, what do you mean by making the oceans less dynamic?

Yeah, I definitely could have clarified that a bit. I knew that increases in CO2 can cause the ocean to become more acidic, and also causes a rise in global temperatures, so saying a rise in temperatures causes ocean acidification is a bit of a stretch. I'll definitely have to clarify that it isn't the temperature increase itself that causes it. 

And by less dynamic, I am referring to the definition of dynamic as "a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process: evaluation is part of the basic dynamic of the project". It doesn't make sense in this context, so I'll probably change it to productive or something

- You use a lot of stats & it might be useful to narrow that down to focusing on a few key ones which you can put in context. People aren't good with knowing what numbers mean, but if you can give them some way of understand your figures it probably better to spend time on that rather than introducing more

Yeah, my teacher was warning me against using too many stats. I'll have a think about it tonight and see which ones I think are most relevant.

- You also use a lot of expert opinion and sometimes this is a bit clunky. e.g." Findings published in the Institute of Physics’ 2016 May issue of Environmental Research Letters" is a lot of words to introduce a statement.

I was thinking the exact same thing when I was referring to that resource. I managed to shorten it, problem fixed

Thank you for the feedback!