Prelim English Extension Feedback :)

[djaco75]

Hope everyone's having fun in quarantine 😁

Our first assessment for English extension (creative composition) is due soon, so I was just wondering if anyone is bored enough to read my work and give me some feedback, anything's very much appreciated. It's also supposed to be an 'experimental' piece, so some things aren't in alignment with typical narrative structure, etc. I've attached my composition and the stimulus/question given. Thank you!!!

Question
The question for our composition was from the 2019 HSC: Using one central idea from Text 1, imagine a moment when the past intrudes on a character's fabricated world.

Stimulus (Text 1)
In Winter, one of those characters, Lux, eloquently describes how she once
looked at her family tree, and saw herself at the very bottom of centuries of
existence. She suddenly felt history as a palpable burden. Once again, Smith
turns a figure of speech into an object.

I knew for the first time I was, I am, carrying on my head, like a washerwoman
or a waterwoman, not just one container or basket, but hundreds of baskets all
balanced on each other, full to their tops with bones, high as a skyscraper, and
they were so heavy on my head and shoulders that either I was going to have to
offload them or they were going to drive me down through the pavement into the
ground, like that machine that workmen use to break up tarmac. . . . Don’t
misunderstand me. I also knew they weren’t there, there