Please read

[vcaa]

can someone please help check...ty

[natty]

I can't actually critique the work, as I have no idea about the text, but it's probably too short, only ~400 words. You should be aiming for around 700-800 as a rough minimum for Yr 12 english.

[herzy]

honestly i only just glanced at it, but +1 to natty.
much meatier paragraphs are needed, because it is impossible to go into an idea in depth in a few sentences (as each of your paragraphs is)
also you started two paragraphs with 'when'. never start a paragraph with when. ever. especially two. in a row.

the reason for this is that 'when' implies you're recounting the story too heavily, which is definitely not something you want to be doing. focus on ideas and themes, not plot.