Chinese Essay - critique appreciated!

[|ll|lll|]

Maybe insert one or two really short simple anecdotes?
That is, if it's allowed...

[brightsky]

But I don't think anecdotes are allowed in informative pieces...

[iffets12345]

you guys are pro, I don't undestand half of it. Seemed SLAish to me!

[monokekie]

hey brightsky,didn't see this thread b4 sry bout commenting so late hope it can still help u.......@#$@

maybe you could add a few 关联词 before the paragraphs i m not sure if u have realised that the first 3 paragraphs actually started with the same 4 characters...lol..还有，你时常会忘记写"了"，这样会有损语言的连贯性啦！

Also, I think your structure is pretty awesome =] IMO your writing is improving really fast...... good work! hope my Chinese isn't deteoriating at the same speed, haha