Hi guys, got my context SAC this wednesday so wanted to some feedback as to how my essay writing is like:
Topic: There is always more than one side to any conflict
Text: The Rugmaker of Mazar-e-Sharif
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Imagine you are on a boat, travelling as far away from you devastated home country, seeking a new home to start a fresh new life. Imagine you have spent your life’s savings to get away from the turmoil of conflict, to go to a land that is safe and secure. But all your effort of escaping is put to waste as you are placed behind bars like a prisoner, in a detention centre crowded with other individuals just like you, wanting to forget all the memories of their troubled past and look towards to the future ahead. The recent focus on the Christmas Island riots has ignited much fervent polemic in whether the refugees should be allowed into our country. Indeed we can understand that every refugee has their own side of the story to tell but it is up to the sympathetic Australians like us to listen to their plight and make a decision that will benefit both our nation and the refugee’s wellbeing.
Australia’s perception of so called ‘queue jumpers’ has been reinforced by the attack of asylum seekers in the media who only write the stories about the negativity surrounding the refugees. The media centre their stories around the news of ‘fanatics’ of the minority group of asylum seekers who made a poor choice when they violently protested against the environment of the detention centre. Such an attack is merely a strategy employed by the media to promote their stories and play on the bigotry of Australians; provoking the feelings of fear in the general public especially about multiculturalism and its effectiveness in society. However, what is not told by popular media, are the stories of optimism and those who are positively contributing to our country like Najaf Mazari, an Afghani rugmaker who escaped his home country to start a fresh new life, a man I have been fortunate enough to know. Because of this deplorable situation where the media think of their hip pocket and choose to “tele beat up” their stories, the Australian society will continue to view asylum seekers with a level of trepidation and vexation. And so, the absurd quotes like “if this is what they do to a detention centre, can you imagine what they will do to the rest of the country?’ will continue. It is up to us to challenge ourselves to confront this conflict with the ideology that we “waste no more time arguing about what a good person should be” rather we encourage our community to act with integrity and compassion so that they can understand that the refugees indeed have their own side of the story to tell and hence lead each other down a path of real unification and acceptance.
The Australian public do not understand the tough conditions that the refugees live in because they have not been told of the other side of the conflict for the refugees. The detention centre is a centre full of refugees searching for a new life, a centre filled with rising tensions; of not knowing what the future holds, except the chilling promise “there are only two places you can go: into the land of Australia or to the country you came here from”. The story of Najaf Mazari symbolises the story of many refugees. Fleeing from the war torn country of Afghanistan, he attempts to arrive on the shores of Australia, hoping to start a new life for his family. Inside the detention centre are many people or queue jumpers as you may perceive them to be, but each and everyone has their own side of the story to tell, a reason why they should be let into Australia. We are the fortunate ones who were born here. We are the ones who take our freedom and power for granted. In many respects we are needlessly selfish in our need to protect our shores and we are disrespectful to those who need its safety the most. This barrier makes the refugees more desperate, to a point where “anger and sorrow build up and build up and good sense begins to starve to death”. They are powerless. Their fate is in someone else’s hands, yet they fight for that small sense of self. The only thing in their control is their identity and how others see them in the detention centre and thus it is so very understandable why Najaf felt that “it’s difficult to be cheerful when (one) feel so powerless” Hence there is a contradiction, on one side you are powerless, yet you still must find some way to “place one foot before another and make yourself continue the journey.” Therefore without knowing the true extent of their struggle for survival, Australians will only know what the side of the story that the media tell them about the refugees and hence will not respect them for who they are.
With all of this in mind, ask yourself, are we being fair towards these helpless refugees? Are we listening to the story that the refugees have to tell? As part of the UNHCR, we, as Australians have a responsibility to protect and supply refugees with a quality of living. We have a responsibility to allow these desperate people to enjoy our shores. As stated in the UNHCR core values statement, Australia must “ensure that everyone can exercise the right to seek asylum and find safe refuge in another State”. This however, can never be implemented unless we can soften our hardened hearts and listen to the side of the story that the refugees want to tell, to realise our responsibilities as a considerate nation. Few issues divide our society as passionately as refugees. It is a hard subject because people of all backgrounds have been polarised by the fear-mongering media. However, we must put our differences aside. We are accountable to the UN, and we have an obligation to fulfil. We are also accountable to ourselves, to our identity as a sympathetic and compassionate country. As a privileged democracy, we can harness people power, and use it for the better.
This is not to say that we should just open our shores and let everyone in, rather, when people have made the gruelling decision to leave their life behind them in search for a better environment, we should at the very least treat them with respect and compassion. We should at least listen to their story, to their side of the conflict. We shouldn’t be leaving refugees in detention for long periods of time without due consideration for their wellbeing and making them feel powerless. The idea is really quite simple, we should be treating others in the same way we would like to be treated. We should be listening to them as we would like to be listened. We can put a stop to this tragedy.
Thank You
Hey man, do you go to glenny by any chance?
As for criticisms, I'll say the following:
1) I wish that this wasn't a speech. It just doesn't sound very much like a speech to me... Your opening three lines make me want it to be a short story, and the rest of it makes me want it to be an opinion piece.
2) don't be so blatant with your persuasive language. Everything that is there is good, but I feel like you're trying to over do it at times. The aim is to persuade the reader, but not to let them know that your'e persuading time.
3) I felt that it didn't directly address the prompt... It was close, but not direct enough for my liking (but if you do happen to go to glenny, then I've noticed that my teacher, at least, has been giving our class a fair bit of leniency when it comes to addressing the prompt)
4) apart from that it was quite a sound piece. Well done buddy.
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