Can someone mark my context essay? (Identity and belonging)

[trinon]

Hey can someone take a read and tell me what you think? It's context, written with Catcher in the Rye in mind, for Identity and Belonging.

Prompt: Belonging to a group makes us deny who we really are.

Things at my school are different. On the outside you see someone that’s nice, good hearted and a pleasure to be around but what you don’t see is what goes on behind the doors. They’re nasty, the popular kids that is, and what’s worse is I’m one of them and I hate it.
Ten minutes. That’s how long it takes the ring leader Big Z to break someone; anyone.

Minute one. Big Z acts all cool. Acts like they’re friend. It’s horrible. Boils my blood because you know it’s going to get ten times worse.
Minute two. He gets real close to them. Right up against them. Starts hassling the person. Nudging them and shit. Nothing to harmful. Just enough to let them know he’s there, that he’s a real threat.

Here’s where I come in. Minute four. Goddamned minute four. Right to the second, every time. I hate it. He steps back for a second. It’s as if he’s given up. Then a sparkle comes into his eye and I know it’s my time to shine. In a real casual voice he’ll say “Have you met my friend Jay? No? Well let me introduce you to him. Jay! Jay!” He calls me over. “Jay. I’d like to introduce you to my friend here.” Next he will take this big long sigh. Like clockwork, and I hate it. I hate every goddamned second of it. “You see Jay, I have this problem. My friend here, see. My friend, this buddy of mine, he’s ‘forgotten’ to bring his lunch money today. ‘Forgotten’! Could you imagine that. Well the thing is Jay, the thing is that I don’t believe him. I’m sure he’s a real swell guy and all, but I just don’t believe him. My gut says otherwise.” He says it all in a matter-of-fact tone. “So could you help me out here Jay? Could ya?” I keep this stone face on, looking all tough. Then I sort of grunt.

That’s the cue. Big Z moves away and I step forward. The whole damn thing is rehearsed. I hate it. I really dread it. By this time it’s minute seven.

I get real close to the guy in question, so close I can see the little beads of sweat rolling down his face. It reeks. I can smell the fear coming out of the guy in bucket loads. It sickens me. Makes me want to throw up; to rip off my clothing and set myself on fire. I’d do just anything to get away from that putrid smell. But I can’t.

Minute nine. I’m staring deep into the guy’s eyes. I’m terrified and no one can see it. I’m almost shitting my pants. This is the turning point. I can see in the guy’s eyes. He’s lost the will to live. For that brief moment he’s lost it. Then the crying starts. The same thing each time. I hate it.
“Alright! I was hungry today. I’m sorry, I was hungry. Just let me go. Don’t let him hurt me. PLEASE BIG Z! Please!”

Minute nine, forty five seconds. Big Z gives me the OK look and I put the guy down and back away. It’s over, I don’t have to hurt him. Relief overcomes me.

“See? That wasn’t hard, was it?” Big Z says in a real casual tone., Then he lowers his tone, becomes real menacing. The first time in the whole ten minutes. Even I get scared. “Now..don’t..do..it..again.”

The guy looks in horror and runs. He runs for his life, and it chills me to the bone. I hate it. I hate Big Z. I hate the fear. And I hate what I do.

All feedback is welcome.. try not to be modest. Blunt is good.

[tash]

i think this is a really great piece. the only thing i would say is to add in more words that are used in Catcher In The Rye eg; phony, suave, goddamn.
other than that i think its a really good creative piece.