Jokes thread

[MagicGecko]

If we're doing pranks now:

This!

[Special At Specialist]

I want to show you all some of Joan Cornella's cartoons, but they have a bit of a shock factor to them and I'm not sure if they would be considered appropriate for AN. They do have a message though, you just have to look long enough to figure it out.

[Fyrefly]

That TV must be amazing.

If we're doing pranks now:

The guy who speaks in the background at about 2:00 sounds like Squidward.

[MagicGecko]

The guy who speaks in the background at about 2:00 sounds like Squidward.

HAHAHA so true!

[ninwa]

http://www.mambaonline.com/2013/09/11/student-scientifically-proves-gay-marriage-is-wrong/

[golden]

This guy is a genius. PhD in molecular biology by day, comedian by night.

[Kuroyuki]

I like this joke
Howard is the senior senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day another member of the home named Annebel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Howard and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Howard "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Annebel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annebel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Annebel instantly becomes irrate and shouts "Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Howard just smiles and says "parkinsons".
I was also tempted to replace the names with more familiar ones...

[sasa]

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, its the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

You just made my day!!!!

[Robert243]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[golden]

Keep this thread going!

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

[brenden]

Keep this thread going!

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha this is actually fantastic.

Fun fact: Lewis Carroll was a logician.

[chasej]

http://www.mambaonline.com/2013/09/11/student-scientifically-proves-gay-marriage-is-wrong/

That guy used no more science than what I learnt in 8th grade. Plus I don't see the link between magnets and people. Same with fowls and people.

[tonychet2]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag.

[Robert243]

hahaha i've heard that one before , but still its get funny no matter how mny times you hear it

[ninwa]