context: identity and belonging intro only. quick feedback please.

[zoeee]

'Nothing is worth belonging to at the expense of our identity'

In modern society, we are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages, contradicting demands and confounding principles. They constantly tell us to belong but dont lose the ability to think for yoursef. Be individual but dont be overly eccentric. We each have an identity however, which defines who we are. It is a self representation of our individual interests, relationships, morals and social activity and while it is commonly said within society it is far braver to be the one to stand while everyone is sitting, many can not adhere to this mentality. Every one of us yearns to belong  because of an innate desire from within no matter what the group. Thomas Merton once said that 'happiness is not a matter of intensity but a of balance, order, rhythm and harmony'. Thus, it is fair to say that happiness, both with one's self and world comes with a balance between indviduality and belonging.

[Destiny]

Dont -> Don't
Comma after 'but'.

It's a good start, but I really wouldn't use 'they'... it's a pretty broad generalisation.

[hala_madrid]

If you are writing a persuasive/expository piece, then technically you should be adopting a formal register (although many VCE english students don't). If you use a formal register then your piece is likely to appear more cogent. Basically what this means is for the most part, you shouldn't really be saying 'we' or 'us'. Instead say 'an individual' or 'one' if you can. E.g. 'in modern society, individuals are constantly bombarded...'

[BigFunt]

au contraire mon frere,

expository is perfect because you don't need a formal register. I was told by my teacher that they hate when students refer to "humans" or use the term "one" They like people to personalize the issue and use "we" and "us"


but yeah expository doesn't have to be formal, infact using "one" and "humans" is a putoff for readers.

[hala_madrid]

au contraire mon frere,

expository is perfect because you don't need a formal register. I was told by my teacher that they hate when students refer to "humans" or use the term "one" They like people to personalize the issue and use "we" and "us"


but yeah expository doesn't have to be formal, infact using "one" and "humans" is a putoff for readers.

Ok well fair enough, you dont HAVE to use a formal register. But i definitely dont agree in the slightest that using 'one' or 'individuals' etc. is a put off (obviously unless used excessively). Maybe it's just your teachers viewpoint, because i've been taught to write formally and have gotten high marks on trial exams marked by vce assessors. If what you say is a view shared by all vce examiners, it's kind of like saying 'we're going to mark down all students who write in a professional and cohesive style because we don't like it.'