Let's test your marking skills...

[Stick]

I am posting up a Year 10 English SAC from this year, which has already been marked and assessed. I would just like to see the difference between the teachers' mark (at my school, all English SACs are cross-marked twice =_=) and the student marks from the bright AN community.

[English] - Text Response: To Kill a Mockingbird

"It was the first time I ever walked away from a fight." To what extent do the children follow Atticus' values?

In Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus' core values are vastly different from those of the rest of Maycomb. Yet the three main children in the story - Jean Louise Finch, Jeremy Atticus Finch and Charles Baker Harris - continue to take on Atticus' beliefs. Each character, however, take out one major value from Atticus' three main teachings of justice, courage and racial equality and become advocates in a society stooped in prejudice.

It can be said that Scout Finch follows Atticus' values to the greatest extent, despite having trouble understanding at an early age. She eventually learns to understand the meaning of real courage and starts to walk away from fights. However, the biggest lesson Scout learns from her father is his beliefs on equality. One day after the court trial, Scout reflected with her brother about a comment made by Ms Gates, saying "How can you hate Hitler so bad an' then turn around and be ugly about folks right at home," (p272). She demonstrated genuine understanding and concern for equality despite Jem's doubts. Scout transforms herself into a fair and just young woman, influencing Jem to re-assess the meaning of real courage.

Jem Finch also follows Atticus' values to a great extent. He is more firm than Scout in regards to his beliefs due to his maturity and desire to be exactly like his father. His courage is tested and solidified when he is asked to read to Mrs Dubose prior to her death, but arguably his biggest lesson learnt is about justice. Throughout the court trial, Jem develops a strong interest in Tom Robinson receiving a fair trial and is deeply affected as the jury let prejudice take priority over justice. During the trial, Scout noted that "his shoulders jerked as if each 'guilty' was a separate stab between them," (p233). Jem's longing for justice also has a large effect on his closest friend Dill.

While Dill is not one of Atticus' own children, he is strongly influenced by the teachings Atticus has passed onto Scout and Jem. At first, Dill is confused about the meaning of real courage and takes minimal interest in equality, but over time, the biggest lesson he learns from Atticus is his beliefs on racial intolerance. During Tom Robinson's court trial, Dill becomes emotional and needs to leave the court room. Upon being asked about why he was crying, he said "Cry about the hell white people give coloured folks, without even stopping to think that they're people too," (p222). Like Scout, Dill longs for all people to be treated equally. His strong ambitions for a fair society are a testament to Atticus' humble values.

Each character in the novel starts to follow Atticus' teachings at various stages, and different people are more affected by some values than others. Atticus' advocacy and leadership is outstanding and affects everyone in the town of Maycomb - for good or bad. And his children are a fine example of that.

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Criteria

Critical response to an imaginative text: /5
Ability to use an analytical structure: /5
Appropriate use of textual evidence to support argument: /5
Shows evidence of planning, editing and proofreading: /5
Correct and effective use of the mechanics of English: /5
Total: /25 (__%)

Teacher comment:

Please fill in this criteria sheet. Not only am I gauging the difference between my teachers' marks and your marks, but I am also looking to take up general English advice. So please feel free to leave any extra comments.

[Phy124]

but I am also looking to take up general English advice. So please feel free to leave any extra comments.

Although, I wouldn't be able to give you specific marks on each set criteria, I will advise you to lengthen your paragraphs and piece as a whole. It seems to be only ~500 words. In year 10 this may be acceptable, but as you head into the later period of VCE you will find it very hard to be able to go into great depth and explore what the assessors are looking for in 500 words. Most of the better pieces written by others will be in excess of 800 words (not always necessary, but definitely aim for 600-700+), so it's better to start attempting to go into greater depth and explore ideas to a further extent, earlier rather than later.

[Stick]

Thank you so much for your advice.

Unfortunately, this piece is not what I wanted it to be. :/ It was part of our exam, where we had to write two essays in 90 minutes (45 minutes per essay) and I was a bit rushed for time because this was the second one. If I'm correct, in VCE there are three hours to write three essays. Hopefully I'd be able to write a bit more using those extra 15 minutes.

Reading this back, my language seems off. Any comments for this?

[samad]

Jem Finch also follows Atticus' values to a great extent

A strong essay needs strong topic sentences- sentences that give the rest of the paragraph direction. elaborate on the topic sentence to include a smoother link between your previous point in the next, and to provide some explanation for why this is the case.

You should also consider dissecting the issue further. look at alternative viewpoints. are there characters that behave contrary to the values that Atticus upholds? Are their other influential adults that direct children onto paths that differ from the one Atticus advocates? (I am not sure of specifics since I am rusty on the plot, but there are likely to be examples of this.) Look at these as points from which your stance can be contested.  you should explore them and rebut them. e.g "whilst......., Atticus' disciplining of Jem directs his behaviors to a greater extent, which is particularly evident in...."

Lastly, length is important. At the VCE level, the best essays are in excess of 1000 words. writing more comes with practice- you need to build the speed at which you formulate sentences and write. however, the more thinking you do outside the exam the more depth your ideas will have. ask yourself why the author uses the language they do, why they characterise people in particular ways, why do they create events that occur and formulate your own detailed opinions on these as you make notes on the text. Knowing this will allow you to write more in the given time. also, your essays will naturally become longer if you aim for greater complexity in your sentences. have multiple clauses that build on or offer contrasting views on a point rather than a single clause.

Reading this back, my language seems off

you can improve your expression by reading the essay out loud to see what parts don't sound quite right. when you write, dictate the sentences to yourself and consider how they would sound if you read them out loud- this will allow you to iron out expression flaws.

[Stick]

Jem Finch also follows Atticus' values to a great extent

A strong essay needs strong topic sentences- sentences that give the rest of the paragraph direction. elaborate on the topic sentence to include a smoother link between your previous point in the next, and to provide some explanation for why this is the case.

You should also consider dissecting the issue further. look at alternative viewpoints. are there characters that behave contrary to the values that Atticus upholds? Are their other influential adults that direct children onto paths that differ from the one Atticus advocates? (I am not sure of specifics since I am rusty on the plot, but there are likely to be examples of this.) Look at these as points from which your stance can be contested.  you should explore them and rebut them. e.g "whilst......., Atticus' disciplining of Jem directs his behaviors to a greater extent, which is particularly evident in...."

Lastly, length is important. At the VCE level, the best essays are in excess of 1000 words. writing more comes with practice- you need to build the speed at which you formulate sentences and write. however, the more thinking you do outside the exam the more depth your ideas will have. ask yourself why the author uses the language they do, why they characterise people in particular ways, why do they create events that occur and formulate your own detailed opinions on these as you make notes on the text. Knowing this will allow you to write more in the given time. also, your essays will naturally become longer if you aim for greater complexity in your sentences. have multiple clauses that build on or offer contrasting views on a point rather than a single clause.

Reading this back, my language seems off

you can improve your expression by reading the essay out loud to see what parts don't sound quite right. when you write, dictate the sentences to yourself and consider how they would sound if you read them out loud- this will allow you to iron out expression flaws.

I feel so privileged to just have had my writing critiqued by a 99.95 student. Thank you so much for your input. (I was tempted to squeal when I saw you posted here )

So basically I need to be writing at a far deeper level in order to gain length, but also to discuss the topic with more complexity.