Urgent correction!!sac tomorrow

[jaja]

hey.. can sum1 whose good at english give me sum areas of improvement, as i got a sac on this tomorrow... i only wrote the intro and 1 body paragraph expecting a bit of anaysis of area of improvements....
kite runner...

"Despite his courage in rescuing Sohrab, Amir is essentially a self centred character who never fully redeems himself." discuss

livng like a "ghost" in his own household, Amir centralises his youth on attaining his father's love and affection. Due to his desperate desire to be noticed by his father, he allows Hassan to "sacrifice" himself, idly watching him getting rapped by their neimesis Aseef.   developing into  a man, his selfish character grows with him, more concerned about himself, as shown when his fatehr is diagnosed with cancer exclaiming what he "was supposed to do" if he had died. However, it is Amir's path to redemption, that not only shows his dedication to rid his guilt, but also shows how he develops into a more selfless indiviudal by not only looking after Sohrab but also invovling himself in community projects later on. Although we can say he redeemed himself because of his self interest of him to be able to "breathe again", this can be accepted as true redemption because true redemption is when "guilt leads to good" , as was the case with Amir.
Despite being more overally concerned for himself as a child, he grows and matures  to a man who not only redeems himself, but through this becomes a selfless individual

Throughout his childhood, Amir demonstrates his selfish nature. Torn between his intense desire to win Baba's love and the protection of his true friend, he choosed to idly watch the rape of Hassan realising that his interference could physically harm himself, but could also ruin the chance of him attaining the winning kite which was the key to Baba's heart. The kite tournament in which Amir suffers and bleeds, desparately trying to cut the other kites to be the last kite in the sky symbolises Amir's selfish character as shown by Hassan's suffering and that he was the kite he has to "cut" to win baba's approval.

[shinny]

Does correction include the countless number of typos, spelling mistakes, lack of capitalisations etc? If so, this'll take a while...

[EvangelionZeta]

Colour Coding:
Red - Spelling Error
Yellow - Grammatical Error
Pink - Syntax Problem
Green - Etc.
Purple - Correction

livng like a "ghost" in his own household, Amir centralises his youth on Amir's youth revolves around attaining his father's love and affection. Don't think this is a particularly strong opening.  You don't really address the question and make a broadish statement instead that isn't immediately relevant to the topic.  Would also be good if you included the title and author somewhere to show you know what you're talking about for marks' sake... Due toA bit clunky, use "As a result of" or something his desperate desire to be noticed by his father, he I think "Amir" is better here allows Hassan to "sacrifice" himself, idly watching him getting rapped by their neimesis Aseef. This is the intro - you should be outlining your points instead of actually going into them.  Your first paragraph seems to be on Amir's selfishness, so try and write a statement about that, instead of essentially summarising the plot.   developing into  a man, his selfish character grows with him, more concerned about himself, This is really badly phrased.  Try and fix it up.as shown when his fatehr is diagnosed with cancer exclaiming what he "was supposed to do" if he had died Badly phrased again, but going into such specific detail in the opening is again unnecessary.  Try and talk more about the idea itself, without listing the examples.  You also need to talk more about how this example relates to his suposed growing selfishness.  . However, it is Amir's path to redemption, that not only You use this twice in the same sentence... shows his dedication to rid his guilt, but also shows how he develops into a more selfless indiviudal by not only looking after Sohrab but also invovling himself in community projects later on This preferable, since it's not a specific incident.. Although we Don't use this.  Something like "Although it can be said" might work. can say he redeemed Essays are in present tense.  Don't use past tense. himself because of his self interest of him to be able to "breathe again", this can be accepted as true redemption because true redemption is when "guilt leads to good" , as was the case with Amir. It shouldn't have taken this long for the marker to understand what you're arguing.  Not only that, but your arguments seem to lean towards the idea that Amir is still a largely selfish individual by the end of the text...  You need more paragraphs or points to support your view.
Despite being more overally concerned for himself as a child, he grows and matures  to a man who not only redeems himself, but through this becomes a selfless individual "Despite his primarily selfish concerns as a child, Amir's maturation across the course of Kite Runner ultimately leads towards his redemption, rendering him an altruistic individual come the novel's denouement."  Still not exactly the best sentence, but for now, this is what you want to develop your writing towards.

Throughout his childhood, Amir demonstrates his selfish nature. GOOD.  This immediately tells the marker what the paragraph is about.  Now just make it a more sophisticated sentence. Torn between his intense desire to win Baba's love and the protection of his true friend, he choosed Present tense.  Chooses. to idly watch the rape of Hassan realising that his interference could physically harm himself, but could also Read this aloud to yourself.  I'll leave it to you to try and fix this up. ruin the chance of him attaining the winning kite which was the key to Baba's heart. The kite tournament in which Amir suffers and bleeds, desparately trying to cut the other kites to be the last kite in the sky symbolises Amir's selfish character as shown by Hassan's suffering and that he was the kite he has to "cut" to win baba's approval.This whole sentence doesn't really make sense to me...

Sorry if the marking sounds harsh, but I tried to pick on as much as possible for your constructive benefit.  The biggest problem at the moment is the structure, as it's quite hard to follow what you're writing about at times.  Try and find a good guide for essay structuring and practice writing an introduction, a body paragraph and a conclusion.  Mass technical errors is also a bit of a problem, but I don't think you have time to fix it up immediately.

More content within the body paragraphs would also be better.  Make sure you don't "waste" evidence on the introduction, as that should be a broader outlook on your themes - you don't want to signpost too specifically too early. 

Don't be discouraged!  Try as hard as you can to get better before the SAC, and if all else fails, just remember that you have until the end of the year to improve. 

[jaja]

hmm as i feard...i need to improve big time..crap!.but thx alot for correcting it,, i realli appreciate it,,, it's better than my teachers comment "need more expression"

[jaja]

okai.... .. i corrected it.. more critisim is greatly appreciated.... this is only the introduction

The Kite runner follows the journey from Kabul to California through the eyes of the protagonist, Amir. As a child and an adult, Amir's actions were motivated by self interest, concerned only for himself and was not considerate of others. This can be demonstrated through his desire to win "baba's love" at any cost, even if it meant sacrificing hassan. Also Amir's attitude towards Hassan and how he dealt wtih his guilt signifies his selfish character. Going to California, Amir selfish character intensifes as he is now concerned about his own welfar, where in Kabul he was simply dedicated to winning baba's love. continually, it is his life in America in which he reluctantly refused to save Sohrab. Even though motivated by his will to rid his guilt, it is through Amir's journey of redemption, that he is able to learn how to be a selfless individual, hence trully able to redeem himself.

[EvangelionZeta]

>_<  I'd give another in-depth critique, but sadly it's late and I don't have time.  =/

Structurally, it still needs a bit of work.  I'm not sure if you found a TEEL-style (the standard, and a very practical style) essay template or not, but since you don't seem to be quite following it yet...

(this is a slightly simplified version of the format btw.  Also, the sentence numbers are a rough guideline.)

Intro:
Sentence 1-2: Your "thesis", or argument.  What you're saying.
Another 1-3 sentences: A brief summary of your points, one for each sentence.
Last sentence: A reiteration of your argument, basically.

Body Paragraphs:
Sentence 1: Topic sentence.  What the paragraph will be about.
Middle Sentences: Elaboration on the topic sentence, backed up by examples. 
Final Sentence: Link the paragraph to the topic; how is what you have just written relevant?

Conclusion:
Sentence 1: Reiteration of your argument.
Sentence 2-4: Re-summary of your points.
Final sentence: Conslusive statement that is your argument in disguise.

For further help, look at http://vcenotes.com/forum/index.php/topic,1392.0.html  Read the "Text Response" part.

Sample paragraphs from essays with the "sections" highlighted:

Intro:
Forman’s film One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest depicts the annihilation of totalitarian control over the patients’ lives through the catalyst of one Randall Patrick McMurphy’s arrival. Initially, the patients are enslaved within an existence of monotony as a result of Nurse Ratched’s absolute domination and the mental institution’s almost mechanical workings.  Upon McMurphy’s arrival, however, these demonic systems are undermined, and it becomes clear that there is hope for them yet as they are shown having a renewed understanding of the outer world’s existence and free will as a result of his actions.  Even in death, McMurphy’s influence is still evident, as his ongoing existence within Chief Bromden allows for the total dissipation of the institution’s tyrannical bondage. Thus, Randall Patrick McMurphy is effectively the driving force of libertarianism for the patients, and the most significant impact he leaves upon them is a sense of freedom and independence.

Body paragraph:
Nevertheless, despite the implications of Arcadia, there is never any conclusive sense that a coexistence of Romanticism and Classicism will be forever harmonious. Though there is a union of such in the final waltz, it is, as Elridge describes it, “according to the logic of a dream”, and the audience is never sure if it is “an escape from actuality into form or a registering of human need and possibility”.  Indeed, the very way the scene is constructed supports this notion, as Stoppard chooses to portray the different time-periods contemporaneously, creating an almost surrealistic atmosphere within the theatre.  It is also telling that the 1800s lovers, Thomasina and Septimus, are led to suffer as a result of their inhabiting of “Arcadia”; Thomasina is led to die, burned down in a fire symbolising the overwhelming heat of knowledge, whilst Septimus is driven mad by the scope of Thomasina’s theories, and is thus “banished” to the “hermit’s hut”. The audience is ultimately disallowed a complete understanding of how Romanticism and Classicism will combine, although such a suggestion is still present.

Conclusion (from the same essay as the Intro, to show how the two are very similar):
Randall Patrick McMurphy serves as a symbol of freedom for the patients, and the very idea of liberation itself is what he leaves them with.  The monotony of the institution at the film’s commencement establishes its terrible power, but McMurphy’s arrival reverses control from Nurse Ratched to the individual, the patients themselves.  Finally, Chief Bromden dislocates any grasp the institution still holds over the patients’ lives. By the conclusion of the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, McMurphy has left his mark on the patients in the form of the revitalisation of their humanity, and their triumphant rebellion against the cold and malicious machinations of the mental institution is the final and most powerful testament to his impact. 

[Toothpaste]

I'll take over.

okai.... .. i corrected it.. more critisim is greatly appreciated.... this is only the introduction

The Kite runner follows the journey from Kabul to California through the eyes of the protagonist, Amir. As a child and an adult, Amir's actions were motivated by self interest, concerned only for himself and was not considerate of others. This can be demonstrated through his desire to win "baba's love" at any cost, even if it meant sacrificing hassan. Also Amir's attitude towards Hassan and how he dealt wtih his guilt signifies his selfish character. Going to California, Amir selfish character intensifes as he is now concerned about his own welfar, where in Kabul he was simply dedicated to winning baba's love. continually, it is his life in America in which he reluctantly refused to save Sohrab. Even though motivated by his will to rid his guilt, it is through Amir's journey of redemption, that he is able to learn how to be a selfless individual, hence trully able to redeem himself.

RED - comments

"The Kite Runner" Put quotations for names of books please., by Khaled Hosseini, follows the journey from Kabul to California through the eyes of the protagonist Good. Some metalanguage. Tick. Only thing is that it's better to GET TO THE POINT., Amir. As a child and an adult, Amir's actions were motivated by self interest, concerned only for himself and was not considerate inconsiderate towards others.  There's a rule about negatives in some sentences. I can't remember what it was. All I remember was that it's THIS and it doesn't sounds good.   This can be demonstrated It's better to say what THE AUTHOR does to do this. If you know what I mean. Hosseini demonstrates Amir's selfishness through his desire to win "Baba's love" at any cost, even if it meant sacrificing Hassan. Also, Work on punctuations. (this is less important but use more linking words rather than "also" to show a bit of sophistication ... i.e. Furthermore, in addition (there's a list you can read off somewhere)) Amir's attitude What kind of attitude?? Describe it. What about this: hostile attitude. towards Hassan and how he dealt wtih with his guilt signifies exemplifies "signifies" is alright though. his selfish character. Going to California, Amir selfish character intensifes Amir's exhibition of a selfish characteristic intensified when he is in California as he is now concerned about his own welfare, wheras in Kabul he was simply dedicated to winning Baba's love. er. Paradox much? I thought you were saying he's selfish because of trying to win Baba's affection? Honestly and critically speaking, this sentence doesn't make sense. (Illogical in terms of what you're saying) Continually Additionally, it is his life in America in which he reluctantly refused to save Sohrab So what does this say ... ? Use this point in the body. Please re-word the sentence too.. Even though motivated by his will to rid his guilt, it is through Amir's journey of redemption, Wrong comma use. Did you know that this sentence uses too many commas? Try to re-word sentences so that you don't abuse them. that he is able to learn how to become a selfless individual, hence trully is truely able to redeem himself "be good again". C'mon, this is an obvious quotation for this topic!

• You also have tenses mixed up sometimes. Stick with one.
• Consider using Microsoft Word or a similar software to spell check/punctuation check/grammar check.
• Read the marking criteria to see what you need to include.

I would jump into the topic at the start - make your contention clear then. This one lacks clarity and direction (lead up on what points are to come).

For Kite Runner it's also to have a list of words/phrases to do with "redemption" .. i.e. Atonement, emancipate himself from past wrongdoings, .. you get my drift.

Metalanguage (Or what VCE English sees metalanguage as: "language to describe language") needs to be employed as you get better at the more nit picky stuff. Ask your teacher to clarify this if you dont get it.

SIDE FACT TIME.
Did you know a teacher can get pissed off reading an essay with minor spelling mistakes if they occur frequently? This may result in A LOWER MARK.

[shinny]

SIDE FACT TIME.
Did you know a teacher can get pissed off reading an essay with minor spelling mistakes if they occur frequently? This may result in A LOWER MARK.

This is why I didn't even bother correcting this since an essay littered with minor mistakes like that are actually VERY distracting to correct since every sentence will have multiple things to pick up on. I'm just wondering, are you aware of these mistakes and are either just too lazy to correct them, not proofreading, or actually not understanding/aware why these are mistakes? Before you intend to go much further in English, I think you're better off learning actually how to write fluently before even trying to consider structure and content, as neither of these will work unless what you're saying actually makes sense. You will lose MAJOR marks for simple things yet important things, and it's quite hard to mark this if I'm not sure whether I should be correcting obvious things such as capitalisations at the start of sentences and such.

[jaja]

Shinny, if your not going to help 'jaja' then theres no point in criticising her!

[TonyHem]

He's giving you a good piece of advice. People post for the harder aspects of your essay, not the primary school issues. At least read over and fix your punctuation and grammatical errors before you want people to evaluate and offer advice on the other problems.

[shinny]

Shinny, if your not going to help 'jaja' then theres no point in criticising her!

I'm not just out here to bag you - I've got better things to do in my time. I'm trying to find WHY you're making these mistakes and this is something you should find out too so I can find out whether if it really is an issue or not that I should be helping you address. Like I said, stuff like this is going to be very costly and unless you admit that this is an issue and that I'm not merely just 'criticising' you for the fun of it, then it's going to be hard to fix. However, if you don't want my help, then I'm cool with that.

[Toothpaste]

Shinny, if you're not going to help 'jaja' then theres no point in criticising her!

I think he's helping quite a lot by telling you/(another person) that. If you really wanted constructive feedback then take all the criticism thrown at you without being offended. People can be brutally honest, and yes it hurts to know about flaws, but that's the only way you'll improve. So it's best to accept the errors that people point out and actively do something about it. By exerting the fact that you don't want that kind of feedback might result in others being reluctant to help you out in the future too, just a heads up.

[jaja]

okai, i get what your saying, but the grammar errors are simply typo's or lazziness, as i thought you guys would get....All i wanted was yous to correct my essays in regards to structure and content

[shinny]

Well yeh, that's what I was checking for since like I said, wasn't too sure whether to correct it or not, and which were actual mistakes and which are just laziness. So not taking that stuff into account, in terms of structure/content, for an intro it's got too much story telling and evidence. You shouldn't have any evidence since you'll want to be saving these for later (because you shouldn't be repeating evidence in an essay), and preferably, the least story telling possible. Get to the point and outline your main contention in terms of the essay topic, and then briefly outline your main arguments supporting it. You shouldn't need to be outlining any specific events yet, but actually stating what these specific events mean in terms of the topic, and then providing the evidence later in your body paragraphs. I'll give an example of what I mean from an intro I did;

‘Hard Times shows that the rich and poor live in different worlds’. Discuss.

“T’is a’ a muddle”. Stephen Blackpool’s proclamation in Charles Dickens’ novel Hard Times clearly demonstrates the calamity inherent in the lives of the poor working class. Throughout the novel, in illustrating the imperative need for social reform during the Industrial Revolution, Dickens juxtaposes the abhorred world of the poor – that is, their living conditions and environment – against the lives of luxury to which the wealthy upper class avail themselves to. However, Dickens also presents the notion that the rich and poor inhabit the same physical environment, and it is as such that the wealthy should address the issue of rampant industrialisation before they too are affected by its pernicious effects.

Excluding the quote, it's only three sentences a mere three sentences simply because I've gotten straight onto the point and stayed on topic the entire thing. Whilst this is a bit harder for a character-based topic as opposed to a theme-based one, it's still possible to keep it quite succinct.

[jaja]

this is kinda confusing, because i used the 2006 assesemnt report essay to structure my paragraph..it was on kite runner.... so are u saying that person is wrong too??..