Context- Family and society

[unfamila]

I am a terrible english student and I would like someone to kindly have a look at my essay. It would be extremely helpful because all of you seem like a genius to me, and my teacher dosen't give any feedback just a grade, usually a c.
So be as harsh as you want to be because my teacher isn't

Family, society and the individual.
‘Strength builds families’
DOES FAMILY DETERMINE WHO WE ARE?

Our emotions and our feelings are the most important things in our lives and we share these with the people closest to us, our family. Our family is who we should trust, feel comfortable with and rely on.  Our families teach us how to behave, how to act and how to behave in society.  They ultimately determine who we are and who we want to be. As we see our elders act upon general life, we as adolescents tend to watch and learn how to behave in our homes and general society. We learn how to behave and how to live, we learn off our parents but it comes to a time where the individual must make their own decision on how to live their life. This leads me to the point of people’s excuses on the way they act, “I got into drugs because I had a bad childhood.” “I hit my wife because I saw my father do it.” These examples show people who have reached their nadir and they have used the same excuse for years. They tend to not have the strength to get over their childhood and live on.

A good family relationship is built around love, trust and respect, and a good family is seen in society as someone we want to be and we respect them. A good family get along, they avoid conflicts and manage them when they occur appropriately. But this doesn’t just happen it is strength that builds this relationship.  The strength to deter irascible behaviour and move on and live the best life’s we can. However this perfect family is rare that that’s why families need to build strength to be the best we can to get over our problems and be respected by others. So the strength within determines who we are and what we do with our lives.

In the movie life as house we see Sam being resentful to his father, mother and his family. Although Sam seemed to be brought up well the breakup of his parents has made him depressed. He has reached his nadir, his lowest point in his life. But it is the strength of the family and the teamwork that helps him redeem his grief and live life to the fullest. They worked hard and helped him realise how precious life is, they helped him get back to his zenith.  They changed him from being sardonic in all his replies to being helpful and respectful.  His family helped change his life around and determine who he is today. The strength by his family helped turn his life around and build a better person, build a better family.

However some people are not so lucky they are brought up in dark places of violence, danger and irascible behaviour. This is where family doesn’t ultimately determine who we are it is the individual that can strive to be a better person.  Violence and anger in families are seen in society as major flaws and something to be afraid of.  They are seen as bad people in society, someone to be aware of, and someone to not be involved with. But the individual can determine their own destination and tern their life around. This change also needs strength, to get away from the violence, the danger and the bullying. To get away from these flaws the strength needs to be perused for the individual so this will not burden upon them for ever.  So the strength of the individual can determine who they are also so they don’t turn out who they don’t want to be, and seen in society  as someone they hate.

However people do become like the ones they hate as they do not have the strength to individually determine who they want to be. Many people use excuses as a reason for their uncivilised behaviour. “I had a bad childhood” is the main quote and excuse many use for their flaws. Apparently their bad child hood got them into drugs, but it is the individuals decision that did. It their own fault they go into this situation as they didn’t have the strength to change, and not be like the ones they hate. Another general excuse for irascible behaviour is “ I saw my father do it.” (Not being racist) but this excuse is used in aboriginal communities. They say it’s because of what they saw when they were younger. But they knew it was wrong and they didn’t have the strength to change it, they didn’t have the strength to build a proper domestic family, it is their own fault. Once again the point is emphasized that strength builds the family.

So overall it is up to the parents to love and respect the children, but if this is not the case the children need to find the strength to determine who they are and who they want to be.

[brenden]

I'll mark and annotate as I go... Disclaimer; I'm not one of the geniuses you speak of and I've never written my own expository piece so if someone else gives you feedback, take their word over mine.

I am a terrible english student and I would like someone to kindly have a look at my essay. It would be extremely helpful because all of you seem like a genius to me, and my teacher dosen't give any feedback just a grade, usually a c.
So be as harsh as you want to be because my teacher isn't

Family, society and the individual.
‘Strength builds families’
DOES FAMILY DETERMINE WHO WE ARE?

Our emotions and our feelings are the most important things in our lives and we share these with the people closest to us, our family. Our family is who we should trust, feel comfortable with and rely on.  Our families teach us how to behave, how to act and how to behave in society.  They ultimately determine who we are and who we want to be. As we see our elders act upon general life, we as adolescents tend to watch and learn how to behave in our homes and general society. We learn how to behave and how to live, we learn off our parents but it comes to a time where the individual must make their own decision on how to live their life. This leads me to the point of people’s excuses on the way they act, “I got into drugs because I had a bad childhood.” “I hit my wife because I saw my father do it.” These examples show people who have reached their nadir and they have used the same excuse for years. They tend to not have the strength to get over their childhood and live on.
Try not to refer to yourself with "I", "me" etc in your essay. I haven't highlighted 'our' because I'm unsure if referring to humanity through 'our' is acceptable in expository. (Someone, clarify?)
On the other bolded things, if you need to use an example to iterate your point, try to work it into the sentence in a way similar to: "People often use their family as a determinant of who they are, and as an excuse for their own bad behaviour, saying "I hit my wife because I saw my father do it." However, I would personally leave examples such as these out of an introduction on a general principle.
-Also, the first four sentences of the essay are very abrupt, and whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with short sentences, it damages the flow of your essay when done in such succession. I'd improve 'flow' by reading great essays, continually getting feedback, and reading any material in general (newspapers, novels).
-I'm also left unsure of what exactly you're going to talk about in your essay. So far, I know you will be talking about observing family behaviour and not much else.

A good Someone's definition of 'good' will change depending on who you ask. Try 'positive'family relationship is built around love, trust and respect, and a good family is seen in society as someone we want to be and we respect them. Off sounding sentence. Perhaps "a positive family is one viewed idealistically and widely respected in society A good family get along, they avoid conflicts and manage them when they occur appropriately. But this doesn’t just happenx it is strength that builds this relationship.Grammar. Sentence needs a comma where 'x' is. The strength to deter irascible behaviour and move on and live the best life’s we can.This sentence is fractured. Say it out loud to yourself and see if it makes sense as a stand alone sentence. WHAT about the strength that deters irascible behaviour? However this perfect family is rare that that’s why families need to build strength to be the best we can to get over our problems and be respected by others. So the strength within determines who we are and what we do with our lives.This is the most you've addressed the prompt and it's your last sentence. In this paragraph you have told us what a good family does, but you haven't explored how family determines who we are which is the entire point of such an essay.

In the movie Life as House Any title, in anything,  ever, should be put in capital letters.we see Sam being resentful to his father, mother and his family. Although Sam seemed to be brought up well the breakup of his parents has made him depressed. He has reached his nadir, his lowest point in his life. But it is the strength of the family and the teamwork that helps him redeem his grief and live life to the fullest. They worked hard and helped him realise how precious life is, they helped him get back to his zenith.  They changed him from being sardonic in all his replies to being helpful and respectful.  His family helped change his life around and determine who he is today. The strength by his family helped turn his life around and build a better person, build a better family.This paragraph lacks depth. Try using the "Who, what, when, where, why, how" concept for now. How did they help? Why did they? In what ways did this shape Sam? Also, back it up with evidence.

However some people are not so lucky; they are brought up in dark places of violence, danger and irascible behaviourUse irascibility instead.. This is where family doesn’t ultimately determine who we are it is the individual that can strive to be a better person.  Violence and anger in families are seen in society as major flaws and something to be afraid of.  They are seen as bad people in society, someone to be aware of, and someone to not be involved with. But the individual can determine their own destination and tern their life around. This change also needs strength, to get away from the violence, the danger and the bullying. To get away from these flaws the strength needs to be perused for the individual so this will not burden upon them for ever.  So the strength of the individual can determine who they are also so they don’t turn out who they don’t want to be, and seen in society  as someone they hate.An improvement to the last paragraph, relates more to the prompt, but the above criticisms still apply

However people do become like the ones they hate as they do not have the strength to individually determine who they want to be. Many people use excuses as a reason for their uncivilised behaviour. “I had a bad childhood” is the main quote and excuse many use for their flaws. Apparently their bad child hood got them into drugs, but it is the individual's decision that did. It their own fault they go into this situation as they didn’t have the strength to change, and not be like the ones they hate. Another general excuse for irascible behaviourtry varying this term is “ I saw my father do it.” (Not being racist) but this excuse is used in aboriginal communities.Well, don't use brackets in your essay. And don't make unsubstantiated racial statements. I feel like tearing this to shreds but I'll keep it purely academic; imagine if you got an Aboriginal assessor? UH-OHz. The only way I would ever see this as fine to write is if Sam was aboriginal and said something similar, or it related to the text in some way. They say it’s because of what they saw when they were younger. But they knew it was wrong and they didn’t have the strength to change it, they didn’t have the strength to build a proper domestic family, it is their own fault. Once again the point is emphasized that strength builds the family.This paragraph is very unclear. I don't know what you are exploring or trying to convey. Strength builds the family? That confused me because it was the first mention of strength building family in the paragraph

So overall it is up to the parents to love and respect the children, but if this is not the case the children need to find the strength to determine who they are and who they want to be.
Very very short conclusion. Aim for perhaps 70 words as an absolute minimum. In general, the essay is very short, and as a result lacks depth. I like my "who, what, when..." etc suggestion. Go with that to improve depth for now. Mostly the HOW and WHY, because that's the crux of your exploration. In your textual paragraph, you could have used evidence. Grammar,flow,style, vocabulary could do with improvement - see numerous English threads on AN to improve these.

[brenden]

Feel free to ask questions or clarify anything I've said =]

[unfamila]

cheers mate as you see i suck at english... Thaniks for the help mate, do you think this would get a pass?

[brenden]

cheers mate as you see i suck at english... Thaniks for the help mate, do you think this would get a pass?

What would you consider a pass?
Going for a 35, I'd start to read a lot and look up ALL words you don't know NOW, because you are trying to beat the majority of the state with that score.

[unfamila]

I think it might scrape a pass.
yeah I think a 35 is a bit out of my depth...... however it is a aim i'd like to achieve.

[brenden]

If you start improving now you can do it.

[unfamila]

this is the first context piece i have ever written!
So should I explain the movie in more depth and describe camera shots and structure of the film, or attempt to stick to the propmt.

[charmanderp]

Brenden, referring to yourself in the first person is perfectly acceptable in expository essays for context. Your essay could take any form, right? It's about you creating a kind of 'literary product' which demonstrates your interpretation of the prompt, and the stylistic features with which you craft this are entirely malleable.

[brenden]

this is the first context piece i have ever written!
So should I explain the movie in more depth and describe camera shots and structure of the film, or attempt to stick to the propmt.

Oh, fair effort then. I'll leave the question to someone else - I write stories, never actually written a context essay.

Thanks Charmanderp! My mistake. I'll edit that out when I'm on the comp. Apologies!

[charmanderp]

Don't apologise, I'm just glad that I could clear that up (: All of my essays are written very much in the first person, and I find that it gives it a really strong authorial voice, personally. Remember, you can do just about anything in terms of stylistic features with context - you're 'creating and presenting', it's not like you have to stick to the typical conventions of essay writing where formality is indeed preferred and hence you'd have to be removed from the writing voice.