Without others there is no me. Identity and Belonging (ESL)

[BigAl]

Feedbacks are highly appreciated. Written in an hour.

Without others there is no me

Once we survey our lives, we immediately notice that the whole of our actions and desires are bound by the existence of other people. We commonly depend on others in order to gain a sense of belonging. It is this feeling that constantly reminds us of who we are throughout our course of life. Among other people, family and friends play an enormous role in establishing the structure of our identity. These are the first particular groups to which we belong. Therefore, they leave a permanent trace on us throughout our lives. Without them, it would be very hard to acknowledge and reason the surroundings. Elder generation is a role model for us by whom we learn who we are and not. Not only do we attain a strong sense of acceptance through those people, but also through important places and career ambitions. Our groups of peers and colleagues profoundly affect the direction of the development of our sense of acceptance.


A sense of acceptance is essential in order to fully belong. According to Abraham Maslow’s renowned theory in psychology, belonging is one of the vital requirements of mankind after primary needs are met . Surely, a strong sense of acceptance is attained through an intensive environment filled with kindness and care as well as traditional elements of our parents. These elements are so intense such that it is so likely that the next generations will be alike to the one before. On the other hand, in the absence of compliment desires, individuals preferably seek alternative way to make themselves satisfied with what they believe is appropriate for their identities.  There is no doubt that these individuals were raised under an environment of flexibility but rather under that of tough obligations and high expectations. Thus the interference of parental expectations and individuals’ own dreams and external factors such as the effect of popular culture and media drive a wedge between these and their parents. 


While we do not choose our families, we can still acquire a sense of belonging through interactions with other people including our peers and colleagues. Intimate connections to other people may reveal so many elements about us. Often we develop friendships with those alike to us in outlook, thus confirming the understanding where we belong. The career we choose can also approve our understanding of identity. It can carry us to a new network with like-minded people. All of above, family business provides us connectivity to our family. It may have sheltered countless amount of memories through which we were defined. On the other hand, the ideas and groups we reject can define a sense of who we are just as the ideas and groups we accept to identify ourselves with.


Individuals have to compromise who they are and what they believe in order to fully belong. Being an outsider is lonely and painful situation for many of us, especially when opposed by other’s refusal. The individuals may believe that the integrity and values which make up their essential self would be harmed by continuity to accept the social norms. This comes about because of a refusal to compromise. For others, it may be that they feel stifled by the narrow and unchanging confines of the society they were once part of. Choosing not to belong is sometimes so difficult. At the times through life, we may be asked to acquiesce in ways of thinking with the ideas we think to be fundamentally important. Standing apart from a group you were once part of sometimes a necessary step to discovering where it is you fully belonging. This sacrifice may increase confidence and self-esteem without the need of depending on others.


In essence, we gain a sense of self through other people. Families and friends provide us protection, acceptance and opportunities. However, not all families have such opportunities and nurture for personal growth. Eventually, individuals prefer some alternatives in order to truly discover who they are. The definition of individuality comes across conflict with the values of the society. While some may stay true to themselves by not betraying their families, some determinant ones end up with choosing their own paths.

[FlorianK]

Feedbacks are highly appreciated. Written in an hour.

Without others there is no me

Once we survey our lives, we immediately notice that the whole of our actions and desires are bound by the existence of other people.[Not clear what you are trying to say We commonly normally? depend on others in order to gain a sense of belongingDon't overuse belonging - social integration mabye?. It is this feeling[weak expression] that constantly reminds us of who we are throughout our course of life[the course of our life]. Among other people, family and friends play an enormous role in establishing the structure of our i.entity. These are the first particular groups to which we belong. Therefore, they leave a permanent trace on us throughout our lives. Without them, it would be very hard to acknowledge and reason the surroundings[not sure what this is supposed to mean]. Elder generation is a role model for us by whom we learn who we are and not. [Again weak expression; Older generations serve as a role model for us ...Not only do we attain a strong sense of acceptance through those people, but also through important places and career ambitions. Our groups of peers and colleagues profoundly affect the direction of the development of our sense of acceptance.
Not very strong introduction. You need to work on your language, I can clearly read that you're an ESL-student. I should not be able to do so. I'll spend 5 minutes on writing a better intro for you and put it at the end of this post


A sense of acceptance is essential in order to fully belong. According to Abraham Maslow’s[overused evidence] renowned theory in psychology"Hierachy of Needs", belonging is one of the vital requirements of mankind after primary needs are met[maybe something like: after the requirements of survival are fulfilled, such as food, security and shelter, we must then attain a sense of acceptance from either friends, peers or colleagues in order to develop self-esteem and judge our worth as an individual . Surely, a strong sense of acceptance is attained through an intensive environment filled with kindness and care as well as traditional elements of our parents. These elements are so intense[??] such that it is so likely that the next generations will be alike to the one before[Why?]. On the other hand, in the absence of compliment desires, individuals preferably seek alternative way to make themselves satisfied with what they believe is appropriate for their identities.  There is no doubt that these individuals were raised under an environment of flexibility but rather under that of tough obligations and high expectations[Why??, . Thus the interference of parental expectations and individuals’ own dreams and external factors [isn't that like everything??] such as the effect of popular culture and media drive a wedge between these and their parents.
Where is your evidence??? 


While we do not choose our families, we can still acquire a sense of belonging[again use a synonym and secondly your topic sentence doesn't adress the prompt through interactions with other people including our peers and colleagues. Intimate connections to other people may reveal so many elements[what elements? give examples about us. Often we develop friendships with those alike to us in outlook, thus confirming the understanding where we belong. The career we choose can also approve our understanding of [our]identity. It can carry us to a new network with like-minded people. All of above, family business provides [with] us connectivity to our family. It may have sheltered countless amount of memories through which we were defined. On the other hand, the ideas and groups we reject can define a sense of who we are just as the ideas and groups we accept to identify ourselves with.
[Link sentence is different to what you are talking about in the paragraph.
Again where is your evidence?


Individuals have to compromise who they are and what they believe in order to fully belong[The prompt is not talking about this]. Being an outsider is [a] lonely and painful situation for many of us, especially when opposed by other’s refusal. The individuals may believe that the integrity and values which make up their essential self would be harmed by continuity to accept the social norms. This comes about because of a refusal to compromise[not sure what this is supposed to mean?]. For others, it may be that they feel stifled by the narrow and unchanging confines of the society they were once part of. Choosing not to belong is sometimes so difficult. At the times through life, we may be asked to acquiesce in ways of thinking with the ideas we think to be fundamentally important. Standing apart from a group you were once part of sometimes a necessary step to discovering where it is you fully belonging. This sacrifice may increase confidence and self-esteem without the need of depending on others. [How can having to make a sacrifice increase confidence?
This paragraph doesn't adress the prompt!
NO examples?


In essence, we gain a sense of self through other people[This is just poorly restating the prompt]. Families and friends provide us [with] protection, acceptance and opportunities. However, not all families have such opportunities and nurture[wrong word] for personal growth. Eventually, individuals prefer some alternatives in order to truly discover who they are. The definition of individuality comes across conflict with the values of the society. While some may stay true to themselves by not betraying their families, some determinant ones end up with choosing their own paths.

Use of ideas, arguments and language is generally appropriate to the chosen form, audience, purpose and context. Limited/No understanding of basic ideas and/or arguments relevant to the chosen Context and presented in selected text;little/no evidence of an ability to draw on these in the creation of you text. Simple expression of ideas in writing. Little use of metalanguage and minimal discussion of authorial choices.

You need to work on your language, you phrasing makes it hard to read your sentences. Since you are writing expository you have to give evidence, the easiest way would be evidence from you studied text, I reckon that is GrowingUpAsian for you. You need to adress the prompt!!! Though you need to talk about Identity and Belonging through out you essay, the prompt is not adressed by a topic sentence like  "While we do not choose our families, we can still acquire a sense of belonging through interactions with other people including our peers and colleagues.". "Without connections to others there is no me", means basically that the groups we belong to provide us with our identity.
2.5/10
^^That's english-marking so for ESL the mark would probably be a bit higher.

Just wrote a 5-min intro for you for the prompt hope it helps.


The quality of our connections to others and to ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives”.  Anthony Robbin’s statement epitomizes that both our sense of self and our sense of social integration interconnect and co-exist.  From our cultural heritage to our experience as human beings there is a plethora of situations in which we can realize how the groups we belong to provide us with our identity. However, while Robbins depicts the importance of relationships with others, perhaps it is also possible to truly find ourselves despite being alienated from society.

[Wazzup]

Make sure you use evidence, such as skin, growing up asian in australia etc, what you studied at school!

I'd give this essay a 4/10, but make sure you use evidence and examples to illustrate and show your understanding!!

Keep working hard!

[Tonychet2]

Feedbacks are highly appreciated. Written in an hour.

Without others there is no me

Once we survey our lives, we immediately notice that the whole of our actions and desires are bound by the existence of other people.[Not clear what you are trying to say We commonly normally? depend on others in order to gain a sense of belongingDon't overuse belonging - social integration mabye?. It is this feeling[weak expression] that constantly reminds us of who we are throughout our course of life[the course of our life]. Among other people, family and friends play an enormous role in establishing the structure of our i.entity. These are the first particular groups to which we belong. Therefore, they leave a permanent trace on us throughout our lives. Without them, it would be very hard to acknowledge and reason the surroundings[not sure what this is supposed to mean]. Elder generation is a role model for us by whom we learn who we are and not. [Again weak expression; Older generations serve as a role model for us ...Not only do we attain a strong sense of acceptance through those people, but also through important places and career ambitions. Our groups of peers and colleagues profoundly affect the direction of the development of our sense of acceptance.
Not very strong introduction. You need to work on your language, I can clearly read that you're an ESL-student. I should not be able to do so. I'll spend 5 minutes on writing a better intro for you and put it at the end of this post


A sense of acceptance is essential in order to fully belong. According to Abraham Maslow’s[overused evidence] renowned theory in psychology"Hierachy of Needs", belonging is one of the vital requirements of mankind after primary needs are met[maybe something like: after the requirements of survival are fulfilled, such as food, security and shelter, we must then attain a sense of acceptance from either friends, peers or colleagues in order to develop self-esteem and judge our worth as an individual . Surely, a strong sense of acceptance is attained through an intensive environment filled with kindness and care as well as traditional elements of our parents. These elements are so intense[??] such that it is so likely that the next generations will be alike to the one before[Why?]. On the other hand, in the absence of compliment desires, individuals preferably seek alternative way to make themselves satisfied with what they believe is appropriate for their identities.  There is no doubt that these individuals were raised under an environment of flexibility but rather under that of tough obligations and high expectations[Why??, . Thus the interference of parental expectations and individuals’ own dreams and external factors [isn't that like everything??] such as the effect of popular culture and media drive a wedge between these and their parents.
Where is your evidence??? 


While we do not choose our families, we can still acquire a sense of belonging[again use a synonym and secondly your topic sentence doesn't adress the prompt through interactions with other people including our peers and colleagues. Intimate connections to other people may reveal so many elements[what elements? give examples about us. Often we develop friendships with those alike to us in outlook, thus confirming the understanding where we belong. The career we choose can also approve our understanding of [our]identity. It can carry us to a new network with like-minded people. All of above, family business provides [with] us connectivity to our family. It may have sheltered countless amount of memories through which we were defined. On the other hand, the ideas and groups we reject can define a sense of who we are just as the ideas and groups we accept to identify ourselves with.
[Link sentence is different to what you are talking about in the paragraph.
Again where is your evidence?


Individuals have to compromise who they are and what they believe in order to fully belong[The prompt is not talking about this]. Being an outsider is [a] lonely and painful situation for many of us, especially when opposed by other’s refusal. The individuals may believe that the integrity and values which make up their essential self would be harmed by continuity to accept the social norms. This comes about because of a refusal to compromise[not sure what this is supposed to mean?]. For others, it may be that they feel stifled by the narrow and unchanging confines of the society they were once part of. Choosing not to belong is sometimes so difficult. At the times through life, we may be asked to acquiesce in ways of thinking with the ideas we think to be fundamentally important. Standing apart from a group you were once part of sometimes a necessary step to discovering where it is you fully belonging. This sacrifice may increase confidence and self-esteem without the need of depending on others. [How can having to make a sacrifice increase confidence?
This paragraph doesn't adress the prompt!
NO examples?


In essence, we gain a sense of self through other people[This is just poorly restating the prompt]. Families and friends provide us [with] protection, acceptance and opportunities. However, not all families have such opportunities and nurture[wrong word] for personal growth. Eventually, individuals prefer some alternatives in order to truly discover who they are. The definition of individuality comes across conflict with the values of the society. While some may stay true to themselves by not betraying their families, some determinant ones end up with choosing their own paths.

Use of ideas, arguments and language is generally appropriate to the chosen form, audience, purpose and context. Limited/No understanding of basic ideas and/or arguments relevant to the chosen Context and presented in selected text;little/no evidence of an ability to draw on these in the creation of you text. Simple expression of ideas in writing. Little use of metalanguage and minimal discussion of authorial choices.

You need to work on your language, you phrasing makes it hard to read your sentences. Since you are writing expository you have to give evidence, the easiest way would be evidence from you studied text, I reckon that is GrowingUpAsian for you. You need to adress the prompt!!! Though you need to talk about Identity and Belonging through out you essay, the prompt is not adressed by a topic sentence like  "While we do not choose our families, we can still acquire a sense of belonging through interactions with other people including our peers and colleagues.". "Without connections to others there is no me", means basically that the groups we belong to provide us with our identity.
2.5/10
^^That's english-marking so for ESL the mark would probably be a bit higher.

Just wrote a 5-min intro for you for the prompt hope it helps.


The quality of our connections to others and to ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives”.  Anthony Robbin’s statement epitomizes that both our sense of self and our sense of social integration interconnect and co-exist.  From our cultural heritage to our experience as human beings there is a plethora of situations in which we can realize how the groups we belong to provide us with our identity. However, while Robbins depicts the importance of relationships with others, perhaps it is also possible to truly find ourselves despite being alienated from society.

florian you are a genius lol ur english skills are better than mine and ur ESL and ur up to 11:45 each night helping people out on this forum, im mirin hard should expect no less than an atar of 99 for u ! loving the dedication man

[BigAl]

thanks for feedbacks...I actually love writing in imaginative. This essay was just an alternative  way and what I see from it is that I have no ability in discussing ideas precisely. I'm not even a good writer in my first language...so I will definitely go with a short story in the exam.

[FlorianK]

thanks for feedbacks...I actually love writing in imaginative. This essay was just an alternative  way and what I see from it is that I have no ability in discussing ideas precisely. I'm not even a good writer in my first language...so I will definitely go with a short story in the exam.

Imaginative is normally even less likely to adress the prompt - imaginative for esl-students is I'd say quite hard, maybe if you've been in the country for like 6 years not like me a sixth of that.

[nisha]

thanks for feedbacks...I actually love writing in imaginative. This essay was just an alternative  way and what I see from it is that I have no ability in discussing ideas precisely. I'm not even a good writer in my first language...so I will definitely go with a short story in the exam.

Imaginative is normally even less likely to adress the prompt - imaginative for esl-students is I'd say quite hard, maybe if you've been in the country for like 6 years not like me a sixth of that.

Careful there. Imaginative CAN address any prompt. You have to just have a flexible idea that works for all the possible implications of the prompt. I don't do ESL, but all I write for English context is imaginative, and i'm doing quite well. If you want to do imaginative, go for it.

[BigAl]

wouldn't a story similar to chinese lessons or relative advantages of learning language address many prompts? After all, you can put a lot of elements in there. that's what I think

[BigAl]

omg I just realised when I was copying and pasting the essay I mixed up the sentences..and most of the sentences above dont make sense...I get this essay marked by my teacher as well. thanks again