Identity&Belonging-GUAIA

[unfamila]

Really trying to improve in english so any suggestion/proposal would be greatly appreciated. I also tried to do this in a time restraint and it's pritty rushed. Im not real confident in my writting usually a B or so, and my first sac is on this so help us out!!!!!!

I think its out of 30 so you can mark it if you would like.
Prompt from 2010 exam
I used some ideas off AN and google


‘Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong.’
The intricacies of belonging to a group in a sustained manner are a difficulty that everyone faces, but when a sense of difference is noted, the complexity and challenges a person’s identity face greatly increases. Their different beliefs and actions are seen and they feel as they’re being repressed so they often change their Identity to fit in. The individual with the disparity often does this because the need and want to belong is an intrinsic motivation felt by all of us, to be accepted and having a feeling of self-worth is essential in a healthy lifestyle. Belonging helps define who we are and changes us for the better, often when an individual fails to belong they become isolated and this is deleterious to their identity. Moreover Incompetent social skills and a lack of confidence also can deter one from belonging to a group, when they’re repressed from fitting in, a feeling of isolation and uselessness are perused in the individuals mind. 

As it’s natural to motivate yourself to fit in, we often change our identity to do so. We change the way we act around others to fit in and belong without being seen as different. In growing up Asian in Australia Sunil feels as he can’t fit in as there is a disparity between his cultural and ethnical beliefs. So Sunil changes his name to Neil to attempt to fit in and be accepted. In his mind the name change gives him a sense of being similar and that it will change people’s opinions.  Also in growing up Asian in Australia people often tend to change their life style in Australia and change their culture events in doing so. They change how they act what they eat and what sports they play, this all relates to the cognitive theory which states that -“people do not learn new behaviours solely by trying them and either succeeding or failing, but rather, the survival of humanity is dependent upon the replication of the actions of others.”

A challenge of belonging to a group is to keep your true identity, while fitting in at the same time. Changing your identity can be deleterious to you by how you’re seen by people that are close to you and it won’t be natural as you know you’re not being yourself. So often when a disparity is noted between people, they try and find someone similar to be around who has also been repressed from belonging.. In growing up Asian in Australia “we-li” and “ME” Are being bullied by a white Australian in their class, and are being abused with racial remarks. So “we-li” And “ME” Create a friendship as they are both different from general society they feel as they belong with each other and this gives them a feeling of self-worth. This example goes as far as the suburbs in Melbourne where colonies of Asian immigrants join and often stick together in a group. They do this due to being brought up with the same culture and being brought up with similar behaviours and hence belonging will be more intrinsic.

Failure to belong can lead to isolation and change ones identity from a cheerful person to a depressed and socially incompetent individual. That can happen due to rejection from ones dismissive ignorant Decision that repress’ ones opportunity to belong. This will also likely suppress them from attempting to belong and put them in social cohesion and change their identity, and have possible dire affects. Failure to belong may result in a feeling of loneliness for their entire life, as they will not have the courage to attempt to fit in again. Their evocative calamitous experiences and images will appear in their mind when attempting to belong, and they will remember being repressed and dismissed and hence not make another attempt. ”A psychological sense of belonging is a greater predictor of major depression than other factors commonly associated with depression, such as social support, conflict and loneliness”, according to a new University of Michigan, School of Nursing study. That is due to the individual having a feeling of uselessness and feeling like they have no impact on the world and general society. In Life As A House we see Sam being resentful towards his mother and family, and he has a feeling that he is unneeded. This feeling leads him to self-harm and innate behaviours that are not usually portrayed. He turns into a “gothic or emo” and uses make-up to hide his true identity from society. However when he spends the summer with his father John, he makes him feel as he’s worth something and gives Sam the support to change his identity back to the real Sam. He returns to school and socialises and makes new friends and acts normally without make-up and piercings.  So after being isolated and not belonging you can return to a group if you take the support from people willing to give it to you.

A feeling of involvement and acceptance is needed for a healthy and positive lifestyle. Psychologist Abraham Maslow sees belonging and love as one of the five essential human requirements we must obtain before we build self-esteem respect and self-actualisation- that is morality, creativity and acceptance of facts.  His hierarchy of needs explains that after survival needs- that is breathing food and water and safety needs- security of body, employment and property. Love and belonging is then needed by friends and family to develop self-esteem and respect from others and to believe we are useful in society and worth something to society. And we have this needs we can then determine who we are in society as an individual.

 Being different to others around you can make it harder to belong; however it can still be done. Often they will find someone similar to accompany them or change their identity to fit in. But learning off others and learning new styles of living can give a great insight to the new life style and cultures one lives through. The natural motivation to belong will still be present to determine the individual to fit in as it’s essential for a healthy lifestyle. However if the individual loses the motivation to fit in dire affects can take place, as suicide and depression is closely linked to isolation. So the intricacies of belonging when being different can be overcome through the intrinsic motivation and determination.   

[brenden]

NB: I've written one expository piece after six years of high-school - I'm very unfamiliar with the format and just giving this my best shot, really. Please correct me if I'm wrong (anyone).

‘Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong.’
The intricacies of belonging to a group in a sustained manner are is a difficulty that everyone faces, but when a sense of difference is noted, the complexity and challenges a person’s identity face greatly increases. The complexity of identity seems sort of unfinished. 'complexity' isn't something you generally face as a challenge in itself IMOTheir different beliefs and actions are seen and they feel as they’re being repressed so they often change their Identity to fit in.Who? That sentence also didn't seem very expository. It seemed more "this happens so this happens and thus this happens kbai" The individual with the disparity often does this because the need and want to belong is an intrinsic motivation felt by all of us,i'd replace the comma with semi-colon to be accepted and having a feeling of self-worth is essential in a healthy lifestyle.You answered my question with "the individual with the disparity" Belonging helps define who we are and changes us for the better, often when an individual fails to belong they become isolated and this is deleterious to their identity. In the previous sentence I think the thoughts were too different for a comma. I can see this becoming a habit...Moreover Incompetent social skills and a lack of confidence also can deter one from belonging to a group, when they’re repressed from fitting in, a feeling of isolation and uselessness are perused in the individuals mind.  Not sure on the phrase "incompetent social skills" - I think another synonym for below average would be better. This is a good idea for your essay though. Also "deter one from belonging" is a bit iffy, sort of implies that the person doesn't want to belong instead of- they can't belong because of their social skills. Also the connotations of 'peruse' just don't mix with the sentence. I think of someone in a hammock with a glass of wine, content with life just "perusing" their feelings of isolation. Instead I think "can pervade" or "invade" someone's mind would be more suitable.

As it’s natural to motivate yourself to fit in, we often change our identity to do so. We change the way we act around others to fit in and belong without being seen as different. In growing up Asian in Australia Sunil feels as he can’t fit in as there is a disparity between his cultural and ethnical beliefs. Sounds pretty weird. I'd say his culture was Indian and so is his ethnicity. So Sunil changes his name to Neil to attempt to fit in and be accepted. Pretty damaging throwaway sentence IMO. "so yeah, this happens" In his mind the name change gives him a sense of being similar and that it will change people’s opinions.  Also in growing up Asian in Australia people often tend to change their life style in Australia and change their culture events in doing so. They change how they act COMMAwhat they eat and what sports they play, this all relates to the cognitive theory which states that -“people do not learn new behaviours solely by trying them and either succeeding or failing, but rather, the survival of humanity is dependent upon the replication of the actions of others.” I don't like 'states' and 'theory' in that sentence. A theory would propose. The thought between "this all relates" and what precedes it is also too different for a comma. Also seems throwaway. Like "xyzxyz relates to lkm! thxbai" when it should be "xyzxyz relates to lkm in that bfh fjgh fhdj ngjdk ghfjn". Use who/what/when/where/why/how... Cool para. Could be more beautiful in terms of the language. The flow is also very "bang bang bang" when it should feel like a soft breeze blowing you the scent of the ocean as you lay on the sand in peace (so long as there are no little kids at the beach)

A challenge of belonging to a group is to keep your true identity, while fitting in at the same time.Thanks for letting me know. This is the sort of "bang"in the flow that I'm talking about. Changing your identity can be deleterious to you by how you’re seen by people needed rereadingthat are close to you and it won’t be natural as you know you’re not being yourself. seems ramblySo often when a disparity is noted between people, they try and find someone similar to be around who has also been repressed from belonging seems like repressed is one of your favourite words, no? People can be isolated, ostracised, excluded, suppressed etc. Repressed from belonging is also an awkward phrase... In growing up Asian in Australia “we-li” and “ME” Are being bullied by a white Australian in their class, and are being abused with racial remarks. So “we-li” And “ME” can't remember fully but if we-li is a person it should be We-Li (or We-li?.. not sure how those names work lol) Create a friendship as they are both different from general society they feel as they belong with each other and this gives them a feeling of self-worth. bangThis example goes as far as the suburbs in Melbourne where colonies of Asian immigrants join and often stick together in a group. bangThey do this due to being brought up with the same culture and being brought up with similar behaviours andbang hence belonging will be more intrinsic. I think there should be more philosophical and mind-blowing discussion prior to the example. I think it should read "omg wow yeah this guy has a point this is pretty cool stuff OMG WOW THAT USE OF EXAMPLE IS TOTALLY ON THE MONEY I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT THAT WAY" but at the moment it looks like you've picked your example and then you're writing some stuff that relates to the example so you can use the example and fill up your word count

Failure to belong can lead to isolation and change ones identity from a cheerful person to a depressed and socially incompetent individual. That can happen due to rejection from ones dismissive ignorant Decision that repress’ should be 'es' instead of the apostrophe that actually denotes posessionone's opportunity to belong. This will also likely suppress them from attempting to belong and put them in social cohesion and change their identity, and have possible dire affects. Failure to belong may result in a feeling of loneliness for their entire life, as they will not have the courage to attempt to fit in again. Their evocative calamitous experiences and images will appear in their mind when attempting to belong, and they will remember being repressed and dismissed and hence not make another attempt. ”A psychological sense of belonging is a greater predictor of major depression than other factors commonly associated with depression, such as social support, conflict and loneliness”, according to a new University of Michigan, School of Nursing study. That is due to the individual having a feeling of uselessness and feeling like they have no impact on the world and general society. In Life As A House we see Sam being resentful towards his mother and family, and he has a feeling that he is unneeded. This feeling leads him to self-harm and innate behaviours that are not usually portrayed. He turns into a “gothic or emo” and uses make-up to hide his true identity from society. However when he spends the summer with his father John, he makes him feel as he’s worth something and gives Sam the support to change his identity back to the real Sam. He returns to school and socialises and makes new friends and acts normally without make-up and piercings.  So after being isolated and not belonging you can return to a group if you take the support from people willing to give it to you. Weak last sentence. This paragraph is less bang bang than the others but it's still a little bit bang bang. I enjoyed reading it more than the other paragraphs.

A feeling of involvement and acceptance is needed for a healthy and positive lifestyle. Psychologist Abraham Maslow sees belonging and love as one of the five essential human requirements we must obtain before we build self-esteem respect and self-actualisation- that is morality, creativity and acceptance of facts.  His hierarchy of needs explains that after survival needs- that is breathing food and water and safety needs- security of body, employment and property. Love and belonging is then needed by friends and family to develop self-esteem and respect from others and to believe we are useful in society and worth something to society. And we have this needs we can then determine who we are in society as an individual.
I wouldn't know but I read a thread a while ago that said the Maslow example is hugely overused. I also didn't see the value of this paragraph. It just sort of was
 Being different to others around you can make it harder to belong; however it can still be done. Often they will find someone similar to accompany them or change their identity to fit in. avoid conjunctions after fullstops as a general ruleBut learning off others and learning new styles of living can give a great insight to the new life style and cultures one lives through. The natural motivation to belong will still be present to determine the individual to fit in as it’s essential for a healthy lifestyle. However if the individual loses the motivation to fit in dire affects can take place, as suicide and depression is areclosely linked to isolation. So the intricacies of belonging when being different can be overcome through the intrinsic motivation and determination. This was more fun to read than the other paragraphs.

Cool stuff. Could be more beautiful, could flow better. I think there are some little mistakes in the use of the language that might be because of the time constraint (one hour or two hours?). I think reading a little bit eg novels and the Age would help - you- especially so that you're more confident in your use of the language. There are some really strange things in there that make you go "what" but at the same time the whole thing is riddled with potential. Just so you know, at this point last year I was writing worse than this. Also, stop finishing paragraphs with "So..." - it damages what you've already said by being sounding weak. Therefore, subsequently, thus, as a result etc...

Don't really have a point of comparison so will avoid a numerical mark. Could also be more insightful or complex/deep as those will get you the big marks in the exam.

[unfamila]

"but at the moment it looks like you've picked your example and then you're writing some stuff that relates to the example so you can use the example and fill up your word count"

Your on the money with that quote.
I tend to do this. And thanks for all your help, it was timed at 90 minutes.And my expression and flow has always killed my marks but i dont really know how to improve itDo you think a 35 is possible.

thanks

[Stick]

Really trying to improve in english so any suggestion/proposal would be greatly appreciated. I also tried to do this in a time restraint and it's pritty rushed. Im not real confident in my writting usually a B or so, and my first sac is on this so help us out!!!!!!

I think its out of 30 so you can mark it if you would like.
Prompt from 2010 exam
I used some ideas off AN and google

I'll give it a go. I haven't really done this before so please forgive me, but I think this will be beneficial for both of us.

‘Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong.’
The intricacies of belonging to a group in a sustained manner are a difficulty that everyone faces, but when a sense of difference is noted, the complexity and challenges a person’s identity face greatly increases. Their different beliefs and actions are seen and they feel as they’re being repressed so they often change their Identity to fit in. The individual with the disparity often does this because the need and want to belong is an intrinsic motivation felt by all of us, to be accepted and having a feeling of self-worth is essential in a healthy lifestyle. Belonging helps define who we are and changes us for the better, often when an individual fails to belong they become isolated and this is deleterious to their identity. Moreover Incompetent social skills and a lack of confidence also can deter one from belonging to a group, when they’re repressed from fitting in, a feeling of isolation and uselessness are perused in the individuals mind.

It's not a bad introduction, but it can definitely be improved. I understand your ideas as I studied Identity and Belonging in Year 11 myself, but you should probably work a little bit on your expression. Your ideas certainly not bad ones (perhaps they're a little simplistic), but at times it feels as if some of your sentences are generalisations and may not apply to all scenarios - you don't want to invalidate your ideas, especially this early on. Also, please take note of some grammar errors in this paragraph. You seem to have an appropriate level of vocabulary here, so good stuff on that aspect.

As it’s natural to motivate yourself to fit in, we often change our identity to do so. We change the way we act around others to fit in and belong without being seen as different. In growing up Asian in Australia Sunil feels as he can’t fit in as there is a disparity between his cultural and ethnical beliefs. So Sunil changes his name to Neil to attempt to fit in and be accepted. In his mind the name change gives him a sense of being similar and that it will change people’s opinions.  Also in growing up Asian in Australia people often tend to change their life style in Australia and change their culture events in doing so. They change how they act what they eat and what sports they play, this all relates to the cognitive theory which states that -“people do not learn new behaviours solely by trying them and either succeeding or failing, but rather, the survival of humanity is dependent upon the replication of the actions of others.”

Again, the idea is acceptable, but it is still a little simple and comes across as a bit of a generalisation. This can be addressed if you properly explain what you mean in greater detail. Expression and grammar in particular need to be worked on in this paragraph and try not to repeat the same vocabulary. You have the freedom to explain your thoughts in more general terms, without having to link without an outside source and a text reference. I would encourage you to expand your explanations relating to your sources as well. I really like your external reference and if you could elaborate on this a little bit more I think you could improve this paragraph a lot.

A challenge of belonging to a group is to keep your true identity, while fitting in at the same time. Changing your identity can be deleterious to you by how you’re seen by people that are close to you and it won’t be natural as you know you’re not being yourself. So often when a disparity is noted between people, they try and find someone similar to be around who has also been repressed from belonging.. In growing up Asian in Australia “we-li” and “ME” Are being bullied by a white Australian in their class, and are being abused with racial remarks. So “we-li” And “ME” Create a friendship as they are both different from general society they feel as they belong with each other and this gives them a feeling of self-worth. This example goes as far as the suburbs in Melbourne where colonies of Asian immigrants join and often stick together in a group. They do this due to being brought up with the same culture and being brought up with similar behaviours and hence belonging will be more intrinsic.

The same problems seem to keep popping up. Try avoiding using the same sorts of words repetitively and work on your expression and grammar. Again, the idea could be more sophisticated, but you should try to elaborate on your thoughts so that the bulk of your paragraph isn't just specific examples with a short explanation. Also, please avoid retelling the story - this is unacceptable in both context and text response essays. Instead, extrapolate and dissect the events of the story and expose your ideas to us.

Failure to belong can lead to isolation and change ones identity from a cheerful person to a depressed and socially incompetent individual. That can happen due to rejection from ones dismissive ignorant Decision that repress’ ones opportunity to belong. This will also likely suppress them from attempting to belong and put them in social cohesion and change their identity, and have possible dire affects. Failure to belong may result in a feeling of loneliness for their entire life, as they will not have the courage to attempt to fit in again. Their evocative calamitous experiences and images will appear in their mind when attempting to belong, and they will remember being repressed and dismissed and hence not make another attempt. ”A psychological sense of belonging is a greater predictor of major depression than other factors commonly associated with depression, such as social support, conflict and loneliness”, according to a new University of Michigan, School of Nursing study. That is due to the individual having a feeling of uselessness and feeling like they have no impact on the world and general society. In Life As A House we see Sam being resentful towards his mother and family, and he has a feeling that he is unneeded. This feeling leads him to self-harm and innate behaviours that are not usually portrayed. He turns into a “gothic or emo” and uses make-up to hide his true identity from society. However when he spends the summer with his father John, he makes him feel as he’s worth something and gives Sam the support to change his identity back to the real Sam. He returns to school and socialises and makes new friends and acts normally without make-up and piercings.  So after being isolated and not belonging you can return to a group if you take the support from people willing to give it to you.

This paragraph is much better because you've explained your thoughts appropriately. Try to avoid story-telling once again and please take note of your grammar. The general expression could also be cleaned up a little, but this is a major improvement on the above paragraphs. Try to follow this sort of structure throughout your context essay as it's proven to be rather effective.

A feeling of involvement and acceptance is needed for a healthy and positive lifestyle. Psychologist Abraham Maslow sees belonging and love as one of the five essential human requirements we must obtain before we build self-esteem respect and self-actualisation- that is morality, creativity and acceptance of facts.  His hierarchy of needs explains that after survival needs- that is breathing food and water and safety needs- security of body, employment and property. Love and belonging is then needed by friends and family to develop self-esteem and respect from others and to believe we are useful in society and worth something to society. And we have this needs we can then determine who we are in society as an individual.

We've relapsed back into the old style once again. The same things I've mentioned above also apply here. Also, you haven't included a textual reference - this isn't absolutely necessary, but it is common for expository context responses. If you're struggling with ideas, it might help add another dimension to your discussion.

Being different to others around you can make it harder to belong; however it can still be done. Often they will find someone similar to accompany them or change their identity to fit in. But learning off others and learning new styles of living can give a great insight to the new life style and cultures one lives through. The natural motivation to belong will still be present to determine the individual to fit in as it’s essential for a healthy lifestyle. However if the individual loses the motivation to fit in dire affects can take place, as suicide and depression is closely linked to isolation. So the intricacies of belonging when being different can be overcome through the intrinsic motivation and determination.

This doesn't seem like a very appropriate conclusion because it doesn't really sum up your ideas. I'm glad you've decided to discuss the opposing side to the prompt as it shows your awareness for the topic and adds more complexity to your essay. If you apply the same suggestions I've provided above, this would be an acceptable body paragraph.


All in all, this piece definitely has some room for improvement. That being said, there are certainly some promising signs here and if you work diligently for the next 12 months your skills will skyrocket. Your vocabulary is quite good and you have the capability to write a much better response given the quality of your fourth paragraph.

I hope you've found this helpful. There are definitely better English helpers on this site, but I hope my proposals are beneficial.

[brenden]

"but at the moment it looks like you've picked your example and then you're writing some stuff that relates to the example so you can use the example and fill up your word count"

Your on the money with that quote.
I tend to do this. And thanks for all your help, it was timed at 90 minutes.And my expression and flow has always killed my marks but i dont really know how to improve itDo you think a 35 is possible.

thanks

On the former, try seeing the paragarphs as a discussion rather than something you have to write to meet a criteria. Just think cool stuff and write it down in a cool way.
All good man . Not bad for 90 minutes. It is one of the hardest things to improve. Firstly, read your own essays out loud. I don't care how foolish or insane you feel talking to yourself, read them. Also, read the newspaper everyday! I know through my school you could subscribe to the Age Monday-Friday for like $40 dollars or something insane. See if it's the same at yours. Or read them online. Just read as much as you can. Or read books you're interested in. If you're a Science guy and don't like reading other people's imaginations, read a book about atoms or whatever those people do. Just read as much as you can; as you see the way other people use language skillfully, you will start to be skillful in your use of language.
Possible? Haha, more than 40 is possible. Don't let other people tell you what is and isn't possible. If you listen to what people say and do the big things AND the little things and strive to improve, you will undoubtedly improve a lot. It's easy to stay comfortable and skip over the little things like reading everyday or reading your own essay out loud. But if you leave no stone unturned you can dominate. At the end of the day... someone has to get a high score... why not you?

[FlorianK]

Really trying to improve in my eEnglish so any suggestions/proposals would be greatly appreciated. I also tried to do this in a time restraint and it's prietty rushed. I'm not really confident in my writting usually a B or so, and my first sac is on this so help us out!!!!!!

I think its out of 30 so you can mark it if you would like.
Prompt from 2010 exam
I used some ideas off AN and google


‘Having a sense of being different makes it difficult to belong.’

man, I hated that topic, I'm feeling sorry for you, the VCAA 2011 one is sooo much better haha

The intricacies of belonging to a group [not sure about the use of intricacies] in a sustained manner are a difficulty that everyone faces, but when a sense of difference is noted, the complexity and challenges a person’s identity face greatly increases.[good start, but it is incredibly hard to read, start with a powerful and easy-to-read sentence or maybe with a philosophical quote] Their different beliefs and actions are seen and they feel as they’re being repressed so they often change their Identity to fit in. The individual with theis disparity often does this because the need and want to belong is an intrinsic motivation felt by all of us,. tTo be accepted gain a sense of social integration and having a feeling of self-worth is essential in a healthy lifestyle. Additionally, belonging helps define who we are and changes us for the better[definetly not always], often when an individual fails to belong they become isolated and this is deleterious to their identity. Moreover Iincompetent non-existing? social skills and a lack of confidence also can can also deter one us [you used inclusive language before, so don't change to exclusivefrom belonging to a group, when they’re repressed from fitting in, a feeling of isolation and uselessness are perused in the individuals mind. You need to end with a statement of contention, evaluating the strength of each point
For the start an alright introduction, but there is a lot of room for improvement, good that you start early. What is definetly lacking is the flow, it is really hard to read in my opinion, but you should try to develop an engaging writing style. Also you need to work on your terminoligy!!! 'To fit in' and 'To be accepted' is not belonging!!! Synonyms for belonging are stuff like 'sense of social integration', 'sense of affiliation' etc.
Word count was 162, most good introduction are around 200-250, but well word-count as a measure of quality is really superficial

As it’s natural to motivate yourself to fit in and henceforth gain a sense of affiliation, we often change our identity to do so. We change the way we act around others to fit in and belong without being seen as different. In growing up Asian in Australia Sunil This should change from now, don't do this ever again!!! Good that you started early and good that you used this forum. At first you need a really good sentence starter and most importantly the story in which Sunil is in!!! Since it is the  first time you mention the book you should also state the author. In the anthology of short stories Growing Up Asian in Australia, edited by Alice Pung, this notion is exemplified in "Sticks and Stones and Such Like" [hope thats the story], as Sunil feels like he can’t fit in as there is a disparity between his cultural and ethnical beliefs. So Sunil changes his name to Neil to in attempt to fit in and be acceptedHe wants more than to fit in, he wants to belong. In his mind the name change gives him a sense of being similar[clumsy expression and that it will change people’s opinions[about what?].  Also in growing up Asian in Australia people often tend to change their life style in Australia and change their culture events in doing so[Don't use this sentence]. They change how they act what they eat and what sports they play, this all relates to the cognitive theory which states that -“people do not learn new behaviours solely by trying them and either succeeding or failing, but rather, the survival of humanity is dependent upon the replication of the actions of others.” [Quite weak paragraph with a strong lack of depth and structure. Especially, because you are at start of essay-writing, try to have a very formulaic approach. The AN-study-guide or a tutor can help you with that.

[Linking Word]. In addition, a challenge of belonging to a group is to keep your true identity, while fitting in at the same time[is that a challenge of belonging?]. Changing your identity can be deleterious[don't use those words twice, because using 'big-words' more than once makes you sounds repetetive to you by how you’re seen by people that are close to you and it won’t be natural as you know you’re not being yourself[reword for clarity]. So often when a disparity[you are using this word way to often] is noted between people, they try and find someone similar to be around who has also been repressed from belonging.. In growing up Asian in Australia “we-li” and “ME” [as stated in paragraph 1]Are being bullied by a white Australian in their class, and are being abused with racial remarks. So “we-li” And “ME” Create a friendship as they are both different from general society and they feel as they belong with to each other and this gives them a feeling of self-worth[week use of the english language]. This example goes as far as the suburbs in Melbourne where colonies of Asian immigrants join and often stick together in a group. They do this due to being brought up with the same culture and being brought up with similar behaviours and hence belonging will be more intrinsic.[Link sentence is missing and as before depth and structure]

Failure to belong can lead to isolation and change ones identity from a cheerful person to a depressed and socially incompetent individual. That can happen due to rejection from ones dismissive ignorant Decision that repress’ ones opportunity to belong[I really don't get what you want to say]. This will also likely suppress them from attempting to belong and put them in social cohesion and change their identity, and have possible dire affects. Failure to belong may result in a feeling of loneliness for their entire life, as they will not have the courage to attempt to fit in again. Their evocative calamitous experiences and images will appear in their mind when attempting to belong, and they will remember being repressed and dismissed and hence not make another attempt[maybe a bit exagerated?]. ”A psychological sense of belonging is a greater predictor of major depression than other factors commonly associated with depression, such as social support, conflict and loneliness”, according to a new University of Michigan, School of Nursing study[Write this in a way, that you show it's a piece of evidence]. That is due to the individual having a feeling of uselessness and feeling like they have no impact on the world and general society. In Life As A House we see Sam being resentful towards his mother and family, and he has a feeling that he is unneeded. This feeling leads him to self-harm and innate behaviours that are not usually portrayed. He turns into a “gothic or emo” and uses make-up to hide his true identity from society. However when he spends the summer with his father John, he makes him feel as he’s worth something and gives Sam the support to change his identity back to the real Sam. He returns to school and socialises and makes new friends and acts normally without make-up and piercings.  So after being isolated and not belonging you can return to a group if you take the support from people willing to give it to you. [Same as Paragraph 2]

A feeling of involvement and acceptance is needed for a healthy and positive lifestyle. Psychologist Abraham Maslow sees belonging and love as one of the five essential human requirements we must obtain before we build self-esteem respect and self-actualisation- that is morality, creativity and acceptance of facts.  His hierarchy of needs explains that after survival needs- that is breathing food and water and safety needs- security of body, employment and property. Love and belonging is then needed by friends and family to develop self-esteem and respect from others and to believe we are useful in society and worth something to society. And we have this needs we can then determine who we are in society as an individual. [Maslow is way over-used and it is not really actual evidence, find real-life examples or movies etc.]

Being different to others around you can make it harder to belong; however it can still be done. Often they will find someone similar to accompany them or change their identity to fit in.Well then they are not different anymore right?] But learning off others and learning new styles of living can give a great insight to the new life style and cultures one lives through. The natural motivation to belong will still be present to determinemotivate? the individual to fit in as it’s essential for a healthy lifestyle. However if the individual loses the motivation to fit in dire affects can take place, as suicide and depression is closely linked to isolation. So the intricacies[not sure if thats the correct word to use of belonging when being different can be overcome through the intrinsic motivation and determination.


Ok, good that you posted your essay cause there is alot of work to do, but don't worry I was way worse at this stage in time and was still writing 3s/4s in like April, but ended up writing 8s/9s at the end.
I encourage you to buy the AN-Study-Guided due to the great lack of structure in your essay.
Read some excellent essays, like those in the worked example thread.
Also, look up some synonyms for the words 'identity' and 'belonging'.

Ok, marking:

Use of ideas, arguments and language is generally appropriate to the chosen form, audience, purpose and context.
Medium understanding of basic ideas and/or arguments relevant to the chosen Context and presented in selected text;little evidence of an ability to draw on these in the creation of your text.
Simple, non-fluent expression of ideas in writing.

I'd give it a 4/10.
Keep posting your essays.

Have a read to this essay of mine:
Re: English Work Examples Directory
Hope it clears up some of the comments I wrote.

[brenden]

FlorianK's corrections do improve the essay quite a lot . I should probably start leaving corrections as well as feedback. +1 FK.

[unfamila]

Thanks florianK, stick and olympianLedgend  for all your marking and comments.My AN study guide turned up today, and it's awesome. I'll write another essay before I go back to school and post it on here and take your ideas onboard. Them english worked example essays are mind blowing. I understand the flow aspect now, as their essay are really easy to read and mine just stops and starts and then goes straight into a new idea.

Thanks for all your help and dedication to this site

[brenden]

Thanks florianK, stick and olympianLedgend  for all your marking and comments.My AN study guide turned up today, and it's awesome. I'll write another essay before I go back to school and post it on here and take your ideas onboard. Them english worked example essays are mind blowing. I understand the flow aspect now, as their essay are really easy to read and mine just stops and starts and then goes straight into a new idea.

Thanks for all your help and dedication to this site

Cool, I look forward to the next essay . Drop a line in my pm linking me to the thread just in case I miss it.

[Stick]

Thanks florianK, stick and olympianLedgend  for all your marking and comments.My AN study guide turned up today, and it's awesome. I'll write another essay before I go back to school and post it on here and take your ideas onboard. Them english worked example essays are mind blowing. I understand the flow aspect now, as their essay are really easy to read and mine just stops and starts and then goes straight into a new idea.

Thanks for all your help and dedication to this site

You're welcome! I really enjoyed critiquing your response - I think I'll do it more often now.