Compilation of Language Analysis Feedback

[brenden]

okay i am doing this on my phone betwen a lecture and a tute so excuse any retardation because im rushed as hahaha. I also have not read the articles for obvious reasons. I would normally write "good" after something but i wont bother for this. Ill just oay attention to things that could be much better. Eg. I think the opening line is good but i will not say ao in the essay etc

I've attached the two articles

Following the ongoing graffiti by vandals in local communities, debate has arisen over whether the councils should take more action against the vandals that ‘desecrate’ local properties. An anonymous editorial titled, ‘The good, the bad and the ugly’ in the Daily Tribute, contends, NO COMMA HERE in a strongly disappointed tone of voice DO NOT SAY OF VOICE  NO COMMA THERE EITHER, that councils should  be more helpful to the victims of graffiti and that these councils should not be encouraging graffiti as an art. Accompanying the editorial is a visual portraying the vulgarity of graffiti vandalism. However, in reply to this editorial, Michaela Whitehouse writes a letter to the editor in which she critically contends that it is the council’s responsibility to improve the behaviour of graffiti vandals by embracing the aspect of ‘culturally accepted art’, also dismissing the allegation that her local council is not making an effort to help out the victims of ‘puerile vandalism’. The editorial is aimed at local residents, who are also furious at the vandals and local council, whereas the letter to the editor defends the actions of the council to its local residents. SOLID INTRO MAN

In the, DOUBLE THE???‘The good, the bad, and the ugly’, the ‘good’ describes the respectable citizens who are being unfairly affected by graffiti, such as the Bergers. PERIOD IS TOO STRONG USE COMMA PRIOR TO WHEREAS, AS A GENERAL RULE Whereas the ‘bad’ and ‘ugly’ refer the thugs and the graffiti they produce, respectively. The reader is indirectly caused to associate themselves with the ‘good’ portion of society, and distant themselves ‘bad’, representing the vandals. WHY IS THIS DONE/WHAT FURTHER POTENTIAL INFLUENCE ON AUDIENCE?
The writer aims to gain the sympathy of the readers through emotive imagery. By presenting an anecdote concerning ‘Patrick and his heavily pregnant wife’ restoring the condition of their café wall, the writer provokes emotions of disgust,  NO COMMA HERE. BE CAREFUL OF SUPERFLUOUS COMMAS, LOOKS LIKE WILL BE A TREND IN YOUR ESSAY. directed towards vandals. The use of the word, INSTEAD START THE SENTENCE WITH "HEAVILY" DESCRIBES... -TO MAKE IT MORE PUNCHY ‘heavily’, describing the condition of the ‘pregnant wife’ causes the audience to further empathise with the couple’s situation and to deem the doings of the vandals as reckless and stupid. The condition of the wall is described as being an ‘eyesore’ and a ‘disgrace’ to locals, as the writer seeks to present the work of vandals in a vulgar manner. Such words evoke feelings of utter disgust, NO COMMA HERE AGAIN. I WILL STOP POINTING PUT BAD COMMAS BECAUSE IT IS EATING TIME. PROOD READ AND TEY TO IDENTIFY COMMAS THAT SHOULDNT TBE THER. regarding the graffiti, from the reader. The author goes on to negatively connote the work of vandals as ‘tasteless’ and ‘foul-mouthed’, also including an anecdote regarding a young mother ‘taking a longer route’ to her daughter’s school, as she would not have the ‘fortitude’ to answer if her daughter is to ask her about the ‘sexual diagrams’. This is done to further antagonize THIS LAST PART NEEDA FIXING. QUOTE TOO LING. LAST SENTENCE LEAVES MORE TO BE DESIRED THAN THE MATTER OF FAVT STATEMET

Next, the editorial shifts its blame towards the inability of the East Park council to help out its residents. NEXT PROMOTES COMMENTARY INSTEAD OF ANALYSIS. HELP OUT IS TOO INFORMAL Another anecdote concerns the Bergers’ ‘tireless’ plea for help, to the local council. Words such as ‘tireless’ and ‘diligent’, used to describe the Bergers’ daily struggle to keep up with their finances, make the reader realise that the Bergers are earnest and hard-working. This also forces the reader to question why the council has been ‘dragg[ing] its heels for months’ and have not yet helped the Bergers out, appealing to their sense of compassion and making the council seem as if it is of no use to its residents. GOOD ATUFF. COULD ALSO MENTION APPEALS TO AUDIENCES SENSE OF IDENTITY IN THEY SEE THEMSELVES IN BERGERA AND PERSONALISES ARGUMENT ETC. ALSO RELATE YOU ANALYSIS BACK TO THE CONTENTION/AIM OF AUTHOR

The editorial concludes by highlighting the ignorant attitude of ‘individuals…defacing other people’s’ ‘hard-earned bricks and mortar’. The author seeks to victimise the citizens affected by vandalism and includes a hyperbole, ‘hard-earned bricks…’, to exaggerate the worth of the properties defaced by graffiti, implying that every single brick and mortar matters. Consequently, the reader is positioned to feel utterly disgusted at the selfish nature of vandals, making it hard for them to believe that the council is condoning ‘cultural vandalism’ and giving these vandals a chance.
Accompanied with the editorial is a visual portraying bland and inelegant graffiti, which obscures the artistic aspect of vandalism, as the image is only focussed at a small portion of the graffiti. The reader is forced to question whether graffitists actually care about the public’s interpretation of their work, again reinforcing the author’s contention in their minds, that the council shouldn’t be supporting this as a form of art.

Whitehouse’s reply to the editorial, in her letter to the editor, is scathing at times, it is written in a rational tone of voice. INVALID SENTECE. THE LAST PART IS TOO DIFFERENT FOR COMMA

Whitehouse commences by downplaying the opinions presented in the editorial, as being ‘dismissive’, already giving her a sense of mindfulness. Also, the ‘summation’ of the Bergers situation presented in the editorial is implied to be incorrect by the writer, which in turn causes the reader to disregard the original assessment of the issue of vandalism, in the editorial.
The writer fires a series of rhetorical questions, asking the reader to ‘imagine the blow-out’ of the council’s budget if they were to help property owners. The editorial portrays the Bergers to be in poor condition, whereas Whitehouse shows them to be in an ‘enviable’ one, as they are better off than ‘hundreds of lease holders’. Whitehouse further refutes the claim that the council ‘dragged its heels’ when the Bergers received ‘written correspondence’ in a few weeks’ time. In doing so, Whitehouse intends to portray the claims in the editorial, to be as misleading as possible. In turn, this makes the readers realise the extent of the exaggeration of claims, presented in the editorial. Finally, she clears up the council’s intentions behind condoning vandalism in a measured mannered, stating that the council has a responsibility to ‘cater’ for the ‘disaffected younger generation’, the word ‘disaffected’ connotes a sense of innocence to the youth, and reader is able to realise why the youth might feel the need to partake in vandalism.

The letter to the editorial finishes scathingly, criticising the attitude of the writer of the editorial as ‘narrow-minded’, claiming that ‘most of us don’t like to see supposedly ‘responsible’ publications like [the editorial]’ encouraging ‘anti-establishment behaviour’. The use of inclusive language makes the reader think as if the issue of graffiti is personally affecting their local community. Again, the audience is positioned to view Whitehouse to be mindful unlike the writer of the editorial, therefore making the council’s actions seem well thought out.

The editorial, through the frequent use of emotive language and anecdotal evidence, is presented in a strongly disappointed tone of voice. Whereas, Whitehouse’s letter to the editor takes on a more measured and reasoned approach, gently refuting the flawed claims from the editorial. As a result of Whitehouse’s direct explanations of the actions taken by the East Park council to combat the issue of vandalism, this issue is only slightly likely to continue to provoke further discussion.

YOU SHOULD FEEL CONFIDENT FOR YOUR SAC . WRITE CONFIDETLY! ENSURE YOU ANALYSE THE EFFECTS ON READER IN RELATION TO THE OVERARCHING ARGUMENT AND DON'T SKIMP ON THE EFFECT (THIS HAPPENED IN TE ANAKYSIS OF THE WHITEHOUSE PERSON)

[sin0001]

Thanks Brenden, can always rely on you to mark my essays

[Holmes]

A few articles from 2009, this is a language analysis I did, it was a practice sac a few years ago. I would really appreciate if I got some valuable advice out of this, so thanks a lot for taking out the time to do this. Just some extra information; my sac for Language analysis is approaching in about a week, so at this point I'm trying to aim for a high standard in my writing. I went a bit over the time limit when I was writing this.
Editorial: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/a-date-to-remember/story-e6frg72o-1111118672347
Opinion Piece: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/dodson-stirs-vital-debate/story-e6frf7jo-1111118670879
Cartoon: http://www.simandan.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/visual-texts-new-literacies.jpg

Following the commemorative speech by Mick Dodson as a recipient of the Australian of the Year award, various newspapers have responded to the debate he has raised pertaining to the changing of the date for Australia Day. In her opinion piece, Dodson stirs vital debate, Susie O’Brien contends in a reasonable and supportive manner that although the changing of dates for Australia Day won’t achieve much for the welfare of Indigenous communities, Dodson was right in raising “vital debate” and greater awareness of the disadvantages suffered by Aboriginal people in Australia. The Australian’s editorial is diametrically opposed to its attitude towards Dodson and condemns him for raising ‘national “conversation”’ in recognition of what is described as ‘“invasion day”’, suggesting that he “would have done better to rise above” acts such as “mischaracterising vastly important events” such as Australia day, ultimately rebuking Dodson for suggesting the change of date. The supplementary cartoon by Mark Knight, appearing in the Herald Sun, questions the illustriousness of Australia Day and undermines both the importance of the award and Kevin Rudd’s efforts to bestow the “highest honour” to an oblivious Mick Dodson. 

O’Brien asserts that Australia Day has “come to mean positive things to most people” and the date should therefore not be changed. Her claim that the day is “a chance for us to enjoy…our country’s freedom and natural beauty” attempts to engender a unified notion of nationalistic identity in readers, and similarly appeals to the pride that readers may hold for the simplistic liberties from which Australians derive a sense of fulfilment. Furthermore, by highlighting the consequences of changing Australia Day’s date as “a move that is too divisive, and too negative” and one that “will enrage many non-Aboriginal Australians”, O’Brien insinuates an imperilment to the sense of unity that has been established, and thus positions the reader to contemplate the ramifications to our national identity that such a move may bring about. However, O’Brien defends Dodson’s position to “stir” “vital debate” and supports his “right to make the suggestion about the date if it leads to wider discussion”. By showing her consideration and support for Dodson’s rights, O’Brien establishes herself as a well-balanced and sympathetic writer, and thus attempts to propagate her credibility in the reader’s eyes. O’Brien further appeals to a national identity by boldly claiming that “there’s no point denying that there are two Australia’s - one for blacks and one for whites”, attempting to shock the reader out of complacency and to help focus the issue to disadvantaged Aboriginals. Her bombardment of statistics, many of which attempt to produce shock at the plight of Aboriginals through the use harsh factual statements such as “more likely to die at birth, suffer serious illness…live in poverty and die young” ultimately support her contention that although changing the date of Australia Day will not help to further the cause of disadvantaged Aboriginals, a healthy “thrust of… intervention” by the community will certainly improve and help negate their “debilitating cycles of poverty and self-destruction”.

The editorial by The Australian condemns and denigrates Dodson for raising “national ‘conversation’” and suggests that Dodson “would have done better to rise above” “shallow attempts to blame present problems on a long-ago event”. The usage of sarcasm by claiming that “Professor Dodson, worthy recipient of the honour that he is”, attempts to position the reader into adopting the view that Dodson is an undeserving recipient of this prize, and this strongly contrasts with O’Brien’s statement that “Dodson is right to remind us that in reality there are two Australias – and the majority of Aboriginal people don’t have much to celebrate.” However, similarly to the opinion piece, The Australian also claims that there is a “danger in singling out… a date of national pride… (because) it can become divisive (and) offensive”. This seeks to establish a fair point of view, and attempts to position the editorial in a more considerate light for the reader.  To further propagate a well-balanced point of view, the editorial admits that “there is a need to free our indigenous citizens who find themselves trapped… with completely unacceptable low life expectancy and poor health”. This acknowledges the disadvantage of Aboriginals, but it asserts that the “solutions for these needs will not be found in shallow attempts” such as those that Dodson is participating in to change the date for Australia Day. Dodson’s views are positioned as baseless and ill-meaning, and thus an attempt is made to convince the reader of Dodson’s ill-conceived thoughts, as well as the necessity to maintain Australia Day’s date as it is.

In the supplementary visual appearing in the Herald Sun, Mark Knight ridicules both Kevin Rudd and Mick Dodson. It suggests an incompatibility between Kevin Rudd and Mick Dodson, both in their dress code and their intentions. Kevin Rudd is wearing a suit and tie, and is handing out to Dodson the “Aussie of the Year” trophy, which he names the “highest honour” of Australian culture. Dodson is in complete polarity to this, for he is wearing a casual t-shirt which reads “Australia Day Sucks”, thus highlighting the antithesis between the attitudes towards the entire ceremony by both Dodson and Kevin Rudd. This is an attempt to portray the discrepancies between what O’Brien described as the “two Australias”, and the reader is positioned to question the importance of the award. The reader is invited to speculate upon whether an award really construes a person as Australia, and the topper of the trophy as a flippantly remarks upon “Aussie” culture and positions the reader to think about the meaning of Australia Day for everyone involved.

The opinion piece by O’Brien, ‘Dodson stirs vital debate’, creates a clever association with the word “stirs” and “boils” to suggest that it is important to bring the issue of Indigenous disadvantage to the forefront of the community. The editorial from The Australian condemns Dodson for “mischaracterising vastly important events” but similarly contends that changing the date for Australia Day will achieve nothing for the country but a “divisive” and “offensive” reaction from Australian citizens. The visual ridicules to a certain extent Dodson and Kevin Rudd, but also the award, and questions what Australia Day really means, from vastly different viewpoints, for both non-Aboriginals and Indigenous communities.


Thanks so much for reading this all the way through. I know that I'll really benefit from the advice.

[brenden]

>Am marking this shoddily without reading the article, here's hoping you're good with the contention. Lol. (soz am tired)

A few articles from 2009, this is a language analysis I did, it was a practice sac a few years ago. I would really appreciate if I got some valuable advice out of this, so thanks a lot for taking out the time to do this. Just some extra information; my sac for Language analysis is approaching in about a week, so at this point I'm trying to aim for a high standard in my writing. I went a bit over the time limit when I was writing this.
Editorial: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/a-date-to-remember/story-e6frg72o-1111118672347
Opinion Piece: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/dodson-stirs-vital-debate/story-e6frf7jo-1111118670879
Cartoon: http://www.simandan.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/visual-texts-new-literacies.jpg

Following the commemorative speech by Mick Dodson as a recipient of the Australian of the Year award, various newspapers have responded to the debate he has raised pertaining to the changing of the date for Australia Day. Great In her opinion piece, Dodson stirs vital debate, Susie O’Brien contends in a reasonable and supportive manner that although the changing of dates for Australia Day won’t achieve much for the welfare of Indigenous communities, Dodson was right in raising “vital debate” and greater awareness of the disadvantages suffered by Aboriginal people in Australia. Woah. Too much difference in clauses for commas. "Dodson stirs vital debate, Susie O'Brien" - you lose the reader right there. Split it up. The Australian’s editorial is diametrically opposed to its attitude towards Dodson and condemns him for raising ‘national “conversation”’ in recognition of what is described as ‘“invasion day”’, suggesting that he “would have done better to rise above” acts such as “mischaracterising vastly important events” such as Australia day Way too much quoting. Phrase the contention in your own words. There is no need for many quotes in the intro like this. , ultimately rebuking Dodson for suggesting the change of date. The supplementary cartoon by Mark Knight, appearing in the Herald Sun, questions the illustriousness of Australia Day and undermines both the importance of the award and Kevin Rudd’s efforts to bestow the “highest honour” to an oblivious Mick Dodson.   Great last sentence.

O’Brien asserts that Australia Day has “come to mean positive things to most people” and the date should therefore not be changed. Her claim that the day is “a chance for us to enjoy…our country’s freedom and natural beauty” attempts to engender a unified notion of nationalistic identity in readers, and similarly appeals to the pride that readers may hold for the simplistic liberties from which Australians derive a sense of fulfilment. Furthermore, by highlighting the consequences of changing Australia Day’s date as “a move that is too divisive, and too negative” and one that “will enrage many non-Aboriginal Australians”, O’Brien insinuates an imperilment to the sense of unity that has been established, and thus positions the reader to contemplate the ramifications to our national identity that such a move may bring about. However, O’Brien defends Dodson’s position to “stir” “vital debate” and supports his “right to make the suggestion about the date if it leads to wider discussion”. By showing her consideration and support for Dodson’s rights, O’Brien establishes herself as a well-balanced and sympathetic writer, and thus attempts to propagate her credibility in the reader’s eyes. O’Brien further appeals to a national identity by boldly claiming that “there’s no point denying that there are two Australia’s - one for blacks and one for whites”, attempting to shock the reader out of complacency and to help focus the issue to disadvantaged Aboriginals. Her bombardment of statistics, many of which attempt to produce shock at the plight of Aboriginals through the use harsh factual statements such as “more likely to die at birth, suffer serious illness…live in poverty and die young” ultimately support her contention that although changing the date of Australia Day will not help to further the cause of disadvantaged Aboriginals, a healthy “thrust of… intervention” by the community will certainly improve and help negate their “debilitating cycles of poverty and self-destruction”. Good good. I'd like to see more analysis of connotations. What you are analysing is great. But analyse the emotive effect of "die young" or "self-destruction" rather than utlise it as part of statistics and say they're shocking or harsh. Describe the sound of the audience's heart strings being pulled.

The editorial by The Australian condemns and denigrates Dodson for raising “national ‘conversation’” and suggests that Dodson “would have done better to rise above” “shallow attempts to blame present problems on a long-ago event”. You don't need to justify your description of the article. You just need to quote the evidence you're going to analyse. Right now it looks like you're being a really lazy writer, which I'm sure you are not from the looks of things outside of quotation marks. The usage of sarcasm by claiming that “Professor Dodson, worthy recipient of the honour that he is”, attempts to position the reader into adopting the view that Dodson is an undeserving recipient of this prize, and I think you should cut the comma and the 'and' and use a semi-colon instead. this strongly contrasts with O’Brien’s statement that “Dodson is right to remind us that in reality there are two Australias – and the majority of Aboriginal people don’t have much to celebrate.” However, similarly to the opinion piece, The Australian also claims that there is a “danger in singling out… a date of national pride… (because) it can become divisive (and) offensive”. I reckon it's been close to 125 words and you haven't analysed anything properly yet imo. First para was much better in this regard. You're just letting me read the article without clicking the hyperlinkThis seeks to establish a fair point of view, and attempts to position the editorial in a more considerate light for the reader.  To further propagate a well-balanced point of view, the editorial admits that “there is a need to free our indigenous citizens who find themselves trapped… with completely unacceptable low life expectancy and poor health”. This acknowledges the disadvantage of Aboriginals, but it asserts that the “solutions for these needs will not be found in shallow attempts” such as those that Dodson is participating in to change the date for Australia Day. Dodson’s views are positioned as baseless and ill-meaning, and thus an attempt is made to convince the reader of Dodson’s ill-conceived thoughts, as well as the necessity to maintain Australia Day’s date as it is. Okay. Your criteria for a high mark is something like "Demonstrates a perceptive understanding of how language is used to persuade a target audience" or some bullshit like that.
In this paragraph you told me that language:
-tries to make a viewpoint look balanced. Did not analyse why
-tries to discredit opposition audience.

I think you can do better than that.

In the supplementary visual repetition here is not great. "You could say complementary or accompanying appearing in the Herald Sun, Mark Knight ridicules both Kevin Rudd and Mick Dodson. It suggests an incompatibility between Kevin Rudd and Mick Dodson, both in their dress code and their intentions. Kevin Rudd is wearing a suit and tie, and is handing out to Dodson the “Aussie of the Year” trophy, which he names the “highest honour” of Australian culture. Dodson is in complete polarity to this, for he is wearing a casual t-shirt which reads “Australia Day Sucks”, thus highlighting the antithesis between the attitudes towards the entire ceremony by both Dodson and Kevin Rudd.good but why? why why why? This is an attempt to portray the discrepancies between what O’Brien described as the “two Australias”, and the reader is positioned to question the importance of the award. The reader is invited to speculate upon whether an award really construes a person as Australia, and the topper of the trophy as a flippantly remarks upon “Aussie” culture and positions the reader to think about the meaning of Australia Day for everyone involved. We need to go deeper hope you get the quote

The opinion piece by O’Brien, ‘Dodson stirs vital debate’, creates a clever my teacher always told me off for saying clever because it was too subjective. I still really like it. Never wrote it though. association with the word “stirs” and “boils” to suggest that it is important to bring the issue of Indigenous disadvantage to the forefront of the community. yeah but what's the association? what's the imagery? some pot that's been getting too hot about to boil over? what? why? The editorial from The Australian condemns Dodson for “mischaracterising vastly important events” but similarly contends that changing the date for Australia Day will achieve nothing for the country but a “divisive” and “offensive” reaction from Australian citizens. The visual ridicules to a certain extent Dodson and Kevin Rudd, but also the award, and questions what Australia Day really means, from vastly different viewpoints, for both non-Aboriginals and Indigenous communities.


Thanks so much for reading this all the way through. I know that I'll really benefit from the advice.

Lovely writing. First paragraph was great. From then on your need to go deeper

[Holmes]

Thankyou very much for the rigorous marking of my analysis, it helped to reveal many of the issues I need to work on. Specifically, I'll be more careful with my commas so that the sentences aren't too dense with convoluted clauses, and thanks for that semicolon tip. I realised that even if something like "die young" or "self-destruction" is part of statistics, it can easily yield emotive language, and I will certainly describe 

the sound of the audience's heart strings being pulled

I didn't analyse the editorial too well, so I'll go back to that and read it closely. Thanks for the tip on using the word 'clever', you're right, it is pretty subjective.
Lastly, I have one query. You said: "why, why, why" but is the one-sentence analysis after that not sufficient;

Dodson is in complete polarity to this, for he is wearing a casual t-shirt which reads “Australia Day Sucks”, thus highlighting the antithesis between the attitudes towards the entire ceremony by both Dodson and Kevin Rudd.good but why? why why why?This is an attempt to portray the discrepancies between what O’Brien described as the “two Australias”, and the reader is positioned to question the importance of the award.

[brenden]

You're welcome
Sorry that is fine. I was pretty tired so I probably asked why and didn't realise when you answered it on the next line lol. My bad!

[papertowns]

Hi I cannot thank you guys enough for trying to help us all out with giving us feedback. This will be the first piece I've posted and I read your other thread about people saying "I'm shit at English" and I kid you not, I really believe I do, I just don't have the confidence and you will tell from my language analysis haha.. I know I can improve though! So I will hopefully practise a lot during the year and I think I'll need your help in giving feedback




March 9th was International Women’s Day, the day to acknowledge the economic, political and social achievements of women. Melinda Tankard Reist spoke out recently specifically targeting those who are ignorant to the topic with an opinion piece published in the Herald Sun entitled ‘Be proud but don’t ignore the violence’. In a highly disappointed and annoyed tone, although hopeful towards the end, the author contends that though this year celebrates the 101st anniversary of the global event, harms and injuries to women and girls have continued and they should not be ignored.

In the first paragraph, Reist expresses her personal feelings towards the celebration, saying ‘but I struggled to get into party mood.’ She is potentially evoking guilt into anyone who overlooked the violence received by women. She goes on to explain why she feels this way and the readers are engaged as they are forced to think when she asks ‘has anything really changed?’ By the use of rhetorical questions, readers are encouraged to consider the issue and accept the author’s implied answer that nothing really has changed.

An anecdote is used in the fourth paragraph, the author explains what she saw when she visited a shelter for women and girls in Hyderabad in India. By using an anecdote, readers will find it easier to relate or be easily influenced with the author’s point of view because it becomes a real life situation and real experience that readers can believe in. Reist also describes the scene she witnessed clearly but concisely putting images in the readers’ minds and letting them have an insight of what she saw. Emotions like sadness and sympathy are evoked again when readers think about the ‘abandoned baby girls’, ‘abandoned pregnant girls and women’ and the ‘discarded widows’.

The next paragraph talks about the tragedy faced by a 15-year-old girl in the Maldives. She was sentenced to 100 lashes because she had pre-marital sex. Reist then writes, ‘Actually she was raped by her stepfather, who killed the resulting baby.’ By revealing the real reason later on in the paragraph, Reist is able to clearly emphasise the injustice towards the girl. Emotions such as anger and hatred are evoked which makes it easier for the Reist to have the readers on her side.

Evidence is used in the seventh paragraph and by having statistics and real figures as part of Reist’s piece, it can add weight to support her argument. She starts with saying ‘The conviction rates in India in 2011 was just 26.4 per cent.’ This is a very low percentage rate and is added to surprise readers. It is followed by a rhetorical question: ‘That seems bad, doesn’t it?’ while most readers will easily agree, Reist shocks the readers again by adding ‘Compare it with 5.7 per cent of convictions in England and Wales.’ Readers are being exposed to the truth of just how bad the situation is.

Reist brings up an example from the Oscars when host Seth MacFarlane sang a song about all the women in the audience whose breasts he had seen on screen. She uses the word breasts as opposed to boobs like MacFarlane has in his song titled We saw your boobs to imply that they are separated in terms of maturity. While some people who have seen the segment think it was funny and entertaining, Reist says disappointedly that once again, ‘the mistreatment of women is routinely used in entertainment’. Those who have seen it and laughed and did not think about that will now look back and agree with Reist, some even feeling guilty. Reist then uses a sarcastic tone to make MacFarlane look ridiculous by saying ‘MacFarlane seemed to miss the rapes and bashings, but at least he got to see naked breasts.’

Reist ends the piece with hope, the change of tone clear when she says ‘But there are signs of hope’. This change of tone helps to bring everyone together to find a solution to the issue. She names a few examples where women around the world have spoken out after an assault or mistreatment, readers are getting the message that we should not ‘shy away from the difficult ugly truths, or be overwhelmed and depressed’ but instead we should ‘name and shame them, harness our anger and be part of the solution.’ The last paragraph unites everyone as Reist uses inclusive language and readers are positioned to feel a part of it all to help find a solution.

In conclusion, Melinda Reist’s use of anecdotes, rhetorical questions, evidence nd inclusive language have helped to emphasise the existent violence and mistreatment towards women in the world today. Emotions are evoked from this article and readers are positioned to agree with the author that although we should be proud of the achievements by women, we cannot ignore the violence towards them that still happen today. Readers are now likely to consider and take this issue seriously.

[sin0001]

Here's the article: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/opinion/tunnel-could-take-its-toll/story-e6frfhqo-1226600977408

Analysis:
Recently an upgrade plan of the Eastlink tollway has been heavily debated due to its demanding cost of $5 billion. This has resulted in some people, such as the Eastlink tollway chief Dennis Cliche, suggesting an alternative of investing towards the East-West tunnel, in order to clear traffic. Sharing a similar point of view is the writer of opinion piece, titled 'Tunnel could take its toll' (Herald Sun, 20th March), who contends in a reasoned tone that the East-West tunnel can be relied upon to 'stop the city from choking' and tolling the Eastern Freeway 'would help to recover costs' in upgrading the East-West tunnel.

The writer begins by mentioning Dennis Cliche's proposal and hence adding weight to the alternative solution that is presented. The author includes a rhetorical question, 'how to pay for what everyone agrees is a $5 billion project when the figures fail to stack up?, causing the audience of concerned toll-users to feel as though the Eastlink proposal is financially impractical and to question whether it will even work. The writer states that 'it is attracting that private investment that Mr. Cliche sees as the problem', seeking to further highlight the doomed failure of the Eastlink proposal. Next, the author presents an expert opinion of Eastlink tollway chief, Dennis Cliche, stating that 'he suggests' 'putting the money towards the East-West tunnel', in a bid to strengthen the contention of the piece. Subsequently, the reader is more likely to accept the writer's alternative solution, that improving th East-West tunnel will serve to benefit the large 'traffic volumes' across the roads and tunnels in Melbourne's CBD.



As you can see, stopped halfway of the analysis because I couldn't really understand the overall contention of the rest of the piece or what was the writer tryna say :/
Would appreciate it someone can point me in the right direction and check what I've written so far!

[EspoirTron]

Article: ‘Be afraid, very afraid’
Publication date: Friday, the 22nd of March, 2013.
Source: The Age newspaper

With the Internet becoming a larger domain constantly its capabilities have increased astronomically. With this rise: an onslaught of hackings is becoming more prevalent in the cyber-community; and, debate has been sparked over the security issues faced and the very nature of the protection we use to safeguard our private information. One commentator, Memphis Barker, expresses his fears in his feature article for the The Age: ‘Be afraid, very afraid’ (March 22nd, 2013). He uses this opportunity to address fellow Internet users, specifically, those who are ignorant to correct safety precautions on the Internet. His initial admonishing and assertive tone is coupled with a more humorous and satirical tone-when alternatives too Internet passwords are discussed.

Barker makes his fears of Internet security breaches clear through the headline of the piece ‘Be afraid, very afraid’: this loaded language is a classic example of tabloid fear mongering. Insinuating to the audience that they should ‘be afraid’ provokes a sense of fear in reader; furthermore, this causes them to feel a sense of helplessness as all they can do is be ‘very afraid’. Simultaneously, the sub-heading ‘think your internet password is safe?’ uses rhetorical questioning to position fellow Internet users to question themselves; additionally, this provokes a sense of guilt in readers-as they may feel it is their responsibility to ensure their safety within the spectrum of the Internet. 

Immediately following this, Barker, attempts to engage readers through an anecdote. He insists that it was ‘not long ago’ when he used ‘a tin-pot password’ which was ‘eight characters long-without number or symbols’. Baker, seeks to instil the sense of plausibility to his argument through this anecdote, elucidating that even he suffered ‘paranoia’ following the hackings that occurred; this is implemented to position readers to realize that no one is safe. The text sharply refocuses the attention of readers when Barker insists that a ‘radical overhaul’ of ‘online security’ is required. This positions readers to feel that they need to change their Internet security protocols and regime to protect their ‘valuable data’ and defecate any ’14 year old script kiddies’ or ‘state sponsored agents’.  Consistent with this Barker attempts to elicit fear in the readers when he indicates ‘Bill Gates was among the first’ to join ‘a chorus of hundreds’ who have been ‘hacked’. This entices fear in readers as it implies a sense of anarchy from hackers, as these people are heartless and the user has turned on the creator. Subsequently, this provocation of fear in readers is implemented to cause a radical sense of change- implying, that they must go and change their password so that they do not join the ‘chorus of hundreds’ including ‘governments to Google itself’.

Following this, Barker, implements inclusive language to indicate to readers that everyone is faced with this current conundrum, of hackings. This is exemplified when Barker states that there may be new hope in security as ‘the password could be soon usurped’ and consequently ‘the threat lifted off our gullible shoulders’. This inclusive language seeks to coerce readers as it implies that we are all victims of the insidious nature of hackers. Furthermore, it indicates that we are oblivious to our surroundings as we are ‘gullible’ and we are making it too easy for the hackers: this causes readers to feel a sense of disgust as they are simply allowing this transgression without any form of reprehension. In an attempt to bolster his argument Barker uses a credible source: Matthew Gough, an ‘ethical hacker’. Gough, states that the new forms will not be welcomed in an highly satirical and humorous tone stating that: ‘fashion and tech don’t always go together’, ‘a Google ring might feel like an uncomfortably concrete pledge’ and ‘til death do us part’. This text gives prominence to the fact that passwords are a simpler security measure than the ‘completely unique’ techniques. This can draw out a sense of obligation in readers- causing them to believe it is their choice to fabricate a safe password. This notion coupled with the photograph of the computer and keys accentuates the fact that inadequate security measures allows hackers to simply infiltrate the readers privacy; and, the list of passwords that contribute to the composition of the piece seek to exemplify to readers that common passwords are far from ‘safe’. This mockery, seeks to cause readers to understand that they must construct a password in a much more adroit manner, further causing their passwords to become inconspicuous and deterring hackers from attempting to penetrate their privacy.

Consequentially Barker insists in a highly assertive tone; that increasing the strength of our password will cause hacking to become ‘far less appealing’ and cause us to stop worrying about ‘who might be snooping’. As a result this provokes readers to take action and behold the responsibility of ensuring their Internet safety-through passwords with a combination of ‘letters’, ‘symbols’, and ‘characters’ .  In keeping with this, Barker, insists we are the ‘web’s innocent masses’ and that the ‘web is a darker place than most of us realise’. Furthermore, this is coupled with the cropped photograph; the composition of the photograph accentuates the fact that the reader’s personal data is similar to their heart and it is cocooned in a web of protective layering: however, this cocoon is being rapidly segregated as hackers gain access to our very under structure. This provokes a sense of fear in readers and revulsion as their very ‘rights’ are being violated by senseless thugs. Moreover, it causes readers to feel that radical interventions must be implemented to intervene with this anarchy by hackers; and to protect the ‘innocent masses’ from this ‘struggle’ and ‘limbo’.

Memphis Barker, the writer of ‘Be afraid, very afraid’ expresses the importance of a radical change in Internet security measures from readers in his feature article.  He supports this contention through a personal approach: through highlighting his own personal experience with hackers and through credible sources. The article was accompanied with two images which in a ploy were designed to evoke a sense of change in Internet security measures, from the readers; the crux of the argument is sure to continue to spark further debate on the topic of Internet security protocols and measures.



 
I thought I may add one

[9_7]

First Language Analysis in half a year.. I only wrote one intro, one body para and one conclusion!! I'll need all the feedback

Article: "Another bloody business: Live exports, dead sheep" published by "The Punch". I couldn't get the link off google, it would send me off to another page.......

Following the recent animal exportation of Australian sheep to Pakistan and Bahrain, this issue has sparked controversial debate about the unacceptable risks involved in live animal exports. The on line opinion article, "Another bloody business: Live exports, dead sheep" published by "The Punch" and written by Lyn White on the 7th of November 2012, expresses her opinion that live animal exports should not be continued due to the suffocation of animals. She uses an outraged and compassionate tone appealing to the general public, readers of the paper and fellow animal lovers.

The writer in an attempt to convince the audience, makes use of emotive language throughout the entire article. Her choice of words such as "dead sheep", "bloody business" and "suffering" appeals to ones sense of feeling and positions the reader to also feel emotionally upset and angered because of the cruelty and suffocation the Australian sheep went through. She also attempts to capture the audiences attention by her use of statistics. By having an authority figure, Sarah Ferguson indicate that "21,000 Australian sheep found themselves as pawns", this appeals to ones sense of feelings and positions the reader to also feel a sense of sympathy towards the Australian sheep because such a large number of the "indefensible" sheep have been slaughtered for no reason.

The articles strength lies in the repeated emotive imagery that continually reaffirms the writers contention. Whites use of inclusive language and statistics strengthen the article and the referencing to authoritative figures like Sarah Ferguson lends credibility to her arguments and her emotional tone encourages the audience to fully endorse her view points.
(the other techniques i mentioned were for my other paragraphs!!)

Cheers.

[brenden]

Just a note... I'm halfway through the first para of my first essay, and I feel like I'm on a roll tonight, so please don't be offended if I seem like I'm insulting your writing - this is 100% not my intention, I promise, I'm just going to be harsh because that is the way you improve. You can't afford to be sensitive about  your writing. You shouldn't expect it to be amazing right now. The idea of this thread is to make it amazing.


Re: [English] [Language Analysis] [Feedback]

My problem with your introduction is the structure/content. The writing is fine for the way you've structured it, but I would encourage you to consider structuring this in a different way.  (Credit goes to my English teacher for this structure. It isn't mine so much anymore but this is good)
-   Context of article. Why has this article been written? What current issue is it addressing? (This will be provided in the background information – you should always include this)
-   ‘The basics’ can be expressed in one sentence. Should include article type and title (publication details in brackets)
-   Author and position (if given)
-   Main contention (don’t generalise – give some insight into its complexity)
-   Audience (has language been used to target this particular audience?)
-   Tone and style
-   Overview of major emotive appeals or persuasive techniques (Note: do not try to list them all! Look for one or two major appeals that are dominant and consistent throughout the article)
--> Also note the image. (My teacher didn't include this in his intro, silly duffer)
...I also think you should mention/have missed (dunno if you've mentione it later, but it should be in the intro) how the webpage essentially sets up a massive fear scenario and then assuages the fears with the feel-good tone. The whole idea of this piece is to make the audience feel vulnerable and then take away the vulnerabilities via offering the gap year as a solution. You could mention this as part of the overall style and tone also incorporates into this. Also gives a deeper insight to the contention. You could also open the essay with a line similar to "One tradition for Australian school leavers is to take a year off from formal education between graduation high school and commencing university." And then follow on the rest from this. I just think it's a nice touch, like good foreplay.
On its webpage, the company ‘AllAbroad’ advertises their ‘ultimate gap year program’ for ‘young Australians’ to an audience of primarily Year Twelve Students. In a strongly enthusiastic and warmly encouraging manner, AllAbroad contends that, ultimately, undertaking their gap year program and deferring tertiary education is the wisest and most rewarding decision they can make. The company journeys the reader through a series of arguments, interwoven with linguistically and visually persuasive techniques they have strategically selected to maximise the effect of their underlying argument on the audience of students.

Initially attracting the attention of the audience is a large speech bubble containing an endorsement made by a former participant of the program. Before any details of the program are given, the audience is immediately told of the ‘amazing experience’ that is the gap year program. Some expression things that could be sorted here. "Preceding any formal introduction to the program, the audience is immediately exposed to the "amazing experience" that is the gap year program". See? Try to be as formal/sophisticated as you can. The strongly emotive language i'd avoid this term. Use 'strong negative connotations' or 'loaded language' or just don't identify. Emotive language is pretty much the most basic we can get, and of course we discuss the fuck out of it, but saying 'emotive language' can look juvenile describing the program that ‘words can’t describe’ challenges the negative connotations surrounding the contentious option of taking a gap year, likely to be rampant in the students’ minds on initial reading Is this your own perception? I don't think there is negative connotations surrounding a gap year. If you introduce new information, make sure it is 100% legit. If this was my analysis, I would have picked out "self-confidence" and said this is aimed at an increasingly nervous generation/directly relevant to the target audience and targets perhaps jealously, excitement through the possibility of gaining self confidence. . Positivity thus begins to replace this negativity Don't like this as a sentence. The variance can be good for flow but I think this detracts from your essay, it's not doing much, it's sort of psuedo-sophistication.. Descriptions of the program featuring ‘magical jungles’ and ‘camping under the stars’ make the ‘ultimate gap year experience’ come to appear as unimaginably spectacular Great choice of language to analyse. . Language employed here projects onto the reader feelings of immense positivity, prompting them develop already an interest in participating in the program before further information has even been supplied This is the second time you've noted this. Drop the idea of "before information has been supplied" now. You could go further and Hayley's story glorify's the experience, portraying itto be almost too good to be true whilst affirming the honesty -> also note the dream-like quality in the quotes you've supplied and note how this could make the reader crave such an experience for themselves. Be a bit more specific than "immense positivity". The emotional and imaginative effect of the anecdote’s word choice is furthered as Hayley begins speaking directly to the readers themselves. Advising the ‘guys’ I think the way you've quoted her implies she is targeting males specifically. I don't believe this to be so. She uses 'guys' as an inclusion tool - the familiar language shows the audience that they are synonymous with Harley.  to ‘put all of those uni plans on hold’, the word choice here makes for incorrect grammarwhat she ‘promises’ to be the ‘smartest decision you ever make’, without a word like 'thus' or something, this sentence is gramatically incorrect, because the last clause is too different for just a commathe wondrous image created by her illustrative recount appears more realistic to the reader as they are personally addressed, the person behind the anecdote appearing more real than a regular advertisement Be specific in your analysis of the language. promise. That word- intention to build trust? How could trust be important here for the target audience specifically? . Before further details are known about the company or the program, already the audience is likely to have developed strong open-mindedness towards the idea upon first reading of the page’s content Bit dodge expression here, re read it out loud and see if you agree. . With this feeling firmly established, the audience proceeds from this ‘success story’ to providing more information of the gap year program, their open-mindedness to the contentious option of a gap year increasing the possibility of persuasion.
Right here is missing the image discussion. Look where the image is situated in relation to the language. Normally, I'd say, do whatever you please, put the image wherever, but I really do think it is imperative in this case to discuss the image in relation to the testimonial. Look at her face. The smile. The colour of her skin. The colour of the skin of the kids next to her. Pretty white female smiling with black children. What does this imply about safety, and how does in reinforce the language? I'd finish this paragraph talking about the image. That would be a stronger finish.
Throughout the online advertisement, the producer of the text has chosen language designed to engage and persuade the target audience of Year Twelve students.You've just reaffirmed that you know who the audience is, here. Otherwise it's a nothing-sentence; of course the producer has done those things. You aren't being specific here, so the sentence lacks substance. The first paragraph begins with a heartfelt ‘congratulations’, warmly commending the reader for having ‘taken the first step towards achieving the dream of a lifetime’. The simple action that was ‘visiting the AllAbroad website’ done by the reader has earned them such exaggerated praise and flattery, igniting in the reader feelings of success and self-congratulation.FANTASTIC WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOO. To a Year Twelve student possibly feeling apprehension and self-doubt towards results and the immediate future, it has an emotionally positive effect on them, solidifying the previous positivity generated by Hayley’s ‘success story’. Great. If this was my analysis, I may also note the potential negative effects the word 'congratulations' can have on the potentially cynical/sarcastic audience, for they might think the writer is a dickhead for congratulating them for doing jack shit.b][/b] The creator continues to describe the gap year in a way to appeal to the Year Twelve student. The ‘dream of a lifetime’ is said to allow the audience to ‘help others whilst also helping yourself’, appealing to a common idealistic youth yearning to do good.Great Following this is an explicit address to the young adult audience, instructing them to ‘read on’ to ‘discover the reason so many young people just like yourself’ have participated in the program. After thisBe really careful your analysis doesn't turn into a running-commentary (like a football commentator would call a football game) instead of an analysis. relatively casual address, AllAbroad presents to the student three audience-specific argumentsThat sentence doesn't do much for your essay. You could actually just take it out. . The company first appeals to the fear of employment insecurity in the soon-to-be-adults. Reminding readers of the ‘employment difficulties’ they may face in a ‘technical recession’ where ‘employment of teenagers falls’, the company endorses its program for its ‘all important life experience’. Backed up with statistical evidence of youth unemployment having ‘risen from 15.89% to 16.5% over the past year’, the argument challenges the commonly argued notion that gap years in fact work against employabilityI'd like you to focus more on the fear-mongering intentions here of the company. You've almost got there, but really talk about and analyse the potential fear of the audience. This will make for even better analysis when you talk about the juxtaposition of the fear and the solution and how this creates an association in the audience's mind etc. . The prospect of future financial and employment woes, with the audience subjected to sudden fear, is presented alongside the program as a remedy, appearing not just rewarding as previously painted, but in fact ‘the best experience available’ to prevent such a negative prospect. This is made all the more legitimate by the revelation that Hayley of the aforementioned success story is experiencing career success ‘all thanks to the gap year’.I would like you to be more critical of the author in this scenario. They're trying to be sensationalist and create and "OMG WE ARE FUCKED FOR EMPLOYMENT" vibe.. but look at their stats??! .7% increase?!?! Seems small as to me. You could discuss how this has the potential to damage their argument and even compound the damage 'congratulations' could have had, and make them see not genuine. The webpage then follows this argument with a second. Interesting that you've chosen to merge this. Personally, I devoted a paragraph to the intiail image/bubble, a paragraph to 'congratualtions' and the first box. then a para to the second box. then a para to the third box. then another para for the next image. Seems a logical structure to me, but we'll see how you tackle it AllAbroad again addresses the Year Twelve student of course they do?, speaking of the option of ‘slaving away at university immediately after the stresses of VCE’, in reference to the pressure they are likely to already be feeling or reflecting on. Appealing to the standard emotions of Year Twelve students, the gap year comes to be viewed as not only rewarding and occupationally advantageous, but also a purely enjoyable option, the alternative made out to be a repeat of their stressful VCE experience. AllAbroad capitalizes on the typical emotions of the intended audience in its painting of the picture of the ‘ultimate gap year experience’ to ultimately convince them to partake in the program.Some good analysis in this paragraph. Nice concluding line. You waste words sometimes, which is a habit you should get out of. You have a habit of doing 'bridging' sentences that comes from a lack of confidence with grammar, I think, but these bridging sentences really aren't doing anything for you.

The language choice what choice?of the webpage creator is distinct, and, in conjunction with the page’s structure and included images, heightens the effect of the page’s address to the intended audience. The page begins and continues with hyperbolic descriptions of the program. The gap year as the ‘most exhilarating and edifying experience’ of ‘real social networking’ and ‘invaluable and rewarding acts of charity’ appears as  something of a fairy tale. Paired with the aforementioned audience-shaped techniques employed, AllAbroad does in fact paint a picture of the program as the ‘dream of a lifetime’ with its language choices throughout the piece. As the webpage comes to a conclusion, the final paragraph instructs the reader to ‘don’t imagine – do it!’ and follows the intricately painted image of the gap year with very real and practical steps to make such a dream come true. Requiring just ‘100 points of identification and a sense of adventure’, it is said that all is needed to ‘sign up for the ultimate AllAbroad gap year experience’ is to ‘click here’. The hyperbolically described dream of a lifetime is followed immediately by a clickable pathway towards its achievement. Positioned on the right of a picture of two women in Sri Lanka, the seemingly ideal of the gap year experience becomes to the reader a realistic option. In this way, the positivity initially established towards the program is translated into feelings of excitement, the audience left with heightened emotions in considering signing up with the company’s program, suddenly realistic.This seems super rushed, to be blunt. So much potential, though. 'click here' - talk about how this appeals to the lazy nature of the audience. I just think you're skipping out on a lot of good analysis to be had here. I think the above structure I mentioend would be more suited to a high scoring response. If you wrote this to time at this time of the year, I can understand the rushedness. I think I wrote mine to time with the above structure employed, but that was after rigourous practice.  Also seems like you've skimped the image. You could trlak about how this compounds the first image, or compounds upon the language (specifically the charity part and the enjoyment parts lol)

AllAbroad has enthusiastically employed various methods of persuading the intended audience. The company’s use of convincingly manipulative languagethe idea of ULP is to note manipulative language. Ofc the language will be manipulative. But how/why? be specific. and a strategic visual structure capitalizes on the readers of Year Twelve students, likely to have convinced those having previous contemplated taking a gap year, and likely to have deeply challenged those with previous negativity towards the idea of taking one.

Great effort . Ditch the bridging sentences. Improve your expression and flow - i think you in particular should experiment with grammar/sentence structure variation. I'd like a heavier focus on the negative feel -> positive feel contrast that is created and the effect t his could have (almost like the audience is grateful the gap year exists to solve all these problems... that conveniently didn't exist before allAbroad mentioned them!!) Well done


Re: [English] [Language Analysis] [Feedback]
AWESOME . You can get anywhere you want to get with practice. Here goes
March 9th was International Women’s Day, the day to acknowledge the economic, political and social achievements of women. Melinda Tankard Reist spoke out recently specifically targeting those who are ignorant to the topic with an opinion piece published in the Herald Sun entitled ‘Be proud but don’t ignore the violence’. In a highly disappointed and annoyed tone, although hopeful towards the end, the author contends that though this year celebrates the 101st anniversary of the global event, harms and injuries to women and girls have continued and they should not be ignored. Your language is decent so far - but I would refer to what's above this post and the introduction structure . Same comments apply.

In the first paragraph,Avoid things like this. Reist expresses her personal feelings towards the celebration, saying ‘but I struggled to get into party mood.’ She is potentially evoking guilt into anyone who overlooked the violence received by women. She goes on to explain why she feels this way and the readers are engaged as they are forced to think when she asks ‘has anything really changed?’ By the use of rhetorical questions, readers are encouraged to consider the issue and accept the author’s implied answer that nothing really has changed. Not bad enough analysis, but I don't this this analysis is strong enough to stand alone. I would consider moulding this into a larger paragraph. (Just looked at your essay in another window that isn't my reply -- seems like you have a lot of short paragraphs. I would recommend haveing three or four longer paragraphs to allow you more depth. I feel like 'shallow' will be a reoccurring comment due to the structure of your essay.

An anecdote is used in the fourth paragraph, the author explains what she saw when she visited a shelter for women and girls in Hyderabad in India. By using an anecdote, readers will find it easier to relate or be easily influenced with the author’s point of view because it becomes a real life situation and real experience that readers can believe in. Reist also describes the scene she witnessed clearly but concisely putting images in the readers’ minds and letting them have an insight of what she saw. Emotions like sadness and sympathy are evoked again when readers think about the ‘abandoned baby girls’, ‘abandoned pregnant girls and women’ and the ‘discarded widows’. Okay, nice overall language use. You have a good sense of the English language . I think your biggest challenge will be seeing deep analysis. At the moment you're analysing specific techniques, which can quickly limit you from the top range marks. You should be focusing on specific language and things like tone variation, connotations, overall 'vibes' creating by language working in conjunction in order to get the highest marks. So, your language is nice, but your analysis basic. Improve the latter . Try reading some high scoring essays for quick improvement, otherwise get someone who's really really good and willing to help you to take you through an article and highlight it with you and talk about the potential effects of the language. When you do this with someone else, the idea is that you'll start to think like them and become more perceptive in your analysis

The next paragraph talks about Same as the last essay i marked - be careful not to turn into a commentator for the article instead of someone analysing it. the tragedy faced by a 15-year-old girl in the Maldives. She was sentenced to 100 lashes because she had pre-marital sex Now talk about how this graphic language should shock or even disgust the reader!. Reist then writes, ‘Actually she was raped by her stepfather, who killed the resulting baby.’ By revealing the real reason later on in the paragraph, Reist is able to clearly emphasise the injustice towards the girl. Emotions such as anger and hatred are evoked which makes it easier for the Reist to have the readers on her side. Wow, that's chilling. You could even talk about the 'chilling effect' that language has. I can see the structure in your paragraphs now - I guess this is the easiest way for you to put what is in your head onto the paper? Definitely read some good essays on this forum and pick up the way they start their sentences and stuff, and just generally try to mimic their sense of language. Instead of just stating "emotions such as..." you could say "This has the potential to..." or "This works in conjunction with the author's overarching aim of x, as the language evokes xyz"

Evidence is used in the seventh paragraph This is specific enough that you seem like a creepy stalker guy being really pedantic about someone's whereabouts hahaha. (nah dw I'm just playing to make things more interesting for us both )... You don't need to signpost like this. and by having statistics and real figures as part of Reist’s piece, it can add weight to support her argument. She starts with saying ‘The conviction rates in India in 2011 was just 26.4 per cent.’ This is a very low percentage rate and is added to surprise readers. It is followed by a rhetorical question: ‘That seems bad, doesn’t it?’ while most readers will easily agree, Reist shocks the readers again by adding ‘Compare it with 5.7 per cent of convictions in England and Wales.’ Readers are being exposed to the truth of just how bad the situation is. Your language is good, but you write very methodically... Would you perchance have a strong preference for Math over English? What subjects are you doing? (I often explain essays in terms of people's fav. subject. Had an IT kid the other day, and I explained essays like website design... I think it's a good way of learning, especially when some people ask "What's the point of doing it x way when I can do it the way I'm doing it?"... I'll try to write some basic sentences that are sort of "plug in words here" to help you on your way - you need to get out of this methodical way of writing. Your writing is really nice - let it show in your style! I was right before, currently your analysis is shallow. See above advice.

Reist brings up an example from the Oscars when host Seth MacFarlane sang a song about all the women in the audience whose breasts he had seen on screen. She uses the word breasts as opposed to boobs like MacFarlane has in his song titled We saw your boobs to imply that they are separated in terms of maturity. While some people who have seen the segment think it was funny and entertaining, Reist says disappointedly that once again, ‘the mistreatment of women is routinely used in entertainment’. Those who have seen it and laughed and did not think about that will now look back and agree with Reist, some even feeling guilty. Reist then uses a sarcastic tone to make MacFarlane look ridiculous by saying ‘MacFarlane seemed to miss the rapes and bashings, but at least he got to see naked breasts.’ Variation in your sentences here makes this paragraph stand out as better . Still shallow however - I think getting someone to take you through this verbally is the best bet.

Reist ends the piece with hope, the change of tone clear when she says ‘But there are signs of hope’. This change of tone helps to bring everyone together to find a solution to the issue. She names a few examples where women around the world have spoken out after an assault or mistreatment, readers are getting the message that we should not ‘shy away from the difficult ugly truths, or be overwhelmed and depressed’ but instead we should ‘name and shame them, harness our anger and be part of the solution.’ The last paragraph unites everyone as Reist uses inclusive language and readers are positioned to feel a part of it all to help find a solution. Good stuff =]

In conclusion, Avoid saying in conclusion later, but keep it if it helps you write your essay at the moment. I've often found that people can literally take out 'in conclusion' and their conclusion is even better. This is true in your case, you don't need those two words. Melinda Reist’s use of anecdotes, rhetorical questions, evidence nd inclusive language have helped to emphasise the existent violence and mistreatment towards women in the world today. Emotions are evoked from this article and readers are positioned to agree with the author that although we should be proud of the achievements by women, we cannot ignore the violence towards them that still happen today. Readers are now likely to consider and take this issue seriously.Nice conclusion

Here's a breakdown of your paragraphs.
[Where the evidence is situated]. [What the evidence is]. [Emotions such as: xyz are felt]

So I think we need to group our paragraphs to hopefully let us add more depth. The current structure promotes shallow analysis.

Some sentences to help you out in upping the sophistication

"[The author] utilises [emotive technique eg. inclusive language] to instill a sense of [emotion eg anger] in the reader. Such a sense of [emotion] is intended to make [audience. or literally write 'the audience'] feel as if [depth of feeling here, I'll show you in example-usually specific to the issue in detail], subsequently positioning them to agree with the notion that [contention/aim]."

So I'll do a bit of analysis here to put this into action

Brenden utilises smiley faces throughout his feedback to instill a sense of optimism in the reader. Such a sense of optimisim is intended to make students on the English work submission and marking board feel as if improvement is a positive thing, subsequently positioning them to work harder in future essays.

We could also use:
"[Sentence outlining author evidence]. Subsequently, [author] positions [the audience/"the audience"] to feel a sense of [emotion], intending to make the reader feel as if [specific emotion]. This could have the effect of making the reader more readily agree with the notion [insert contention/aim]

You'll notice that I'm really just saying the same thing but swapping some things around . The concept I'm using is "P.E.E" (have a giggle!)
-Persuasive technique
-Evidence/Effect
-Evidence/Effect (the Es can be in any order).

You can plug in the persuasive technique like you did in your essay - anecdote, etc - but later on the 'P' part of this structure becomes more of the stuff I discuss above, 'vibes', tonal shifts etc.
Just to hammer home - effect effect effect!!! Discussion of emotive impact will impact your marks!!! Do not be afraid to just compound upon the potential emotive effect. You'll notice i have [emotion] then [specific emotion] then [contention]!




Re: [English] [Language Analysis] [Feedback]
Sure, let's see what you've got

Recently an upgrade plan of the Eastlink tollway has been heavily debated due to its demanding cost of $5 billiongood =]. This has resulted in some people, such as the Eastlink tollway chief Dennis Cliche, suggesting an alternative of investing towards the East-West tunnel, in order to clear traffic. Sharing a similar point of view is the writer of opinion piece, titled 'Tunnel could take its toll' (Herald Sun, 20th March), who contends in a reasoned tone that the East-West tunnel can be relied upon to 'stop the city from choking' and tolling the Eastern Freeway 'would help to recover costs' in upgrading the East-West tunnel.Not bad . Could benefit from above structural advice also (from my perspective, everyone's taught different stuff, it's natural to be bias towards my own!! but I understand how my own is geared toward the criteria, so make sure you ensure everything you do is geared at the criteria)

The writer begins by mentioning Dennis Cliche's proposal and hence adding weight to the alternative solution that is presented. The author includes a rhetorical question, 'how to pay for what everyone agrees is a $5 billion project when the figures fail to stack up?, causing the audience of concerned toll-users to feel as though the Eastlink proposal is financially impractical and to question whether it will even work. The writer states that 'it is attracting that private investment that Mr. Cliche sees as the problem', seeking to further highlight the doomed failure of the Eastlink proposal. Next, the author presents an expert opinion of Eastlink tollway chief, Dennis Cliche, stating that 'he suggests' 'putting the money towards the East-West tunnel', in a bid to strengthen the contention of the piece. Subsequently, the reader is more likely to accept the writer's alternative solution, that improving th East-West tunnel will serve to benefit the large 'traffic volumes' across the roads and tunnels in Melbourne's CBD.Alright, cool. Nice writing so far . Could have more sophisticated analysis but obviously you're struggling so that's a bit difficult haha - I'll go check out the article now and report back!

Brb 3am gotta get som Mi goreng, fuck.
Man, I dead set ate that Mi Goren in like fucking two minutes flat. Ok. Back to marking. Sorry guys, I sort of need to talk to myself to keep myself entertained. OKAY. TOLLWAY!

I couldn't really understand the overall contention of the rest of the piece or what was the writer tryna say :/

Alright, so, this really is a tricky piece and there isn't much obvious analysis. And it's sort of bland :/. I'd rather write a fake article to give to my students, but, whatever.

But how to pay for what everyone agrees is a $5 billion project when the figures fail to stack up?
...
What is needed is not a decision now, but a public discussion. Are people willing to pay the extra tolls?

Tolling the traffic may be the only road forward.

So the author pretty much establishes that we need this fucker built. The problem is, how are we going to do this?! (that's the problem once he's established it/ recognised it). This article is really subtle. So, look for the definite language. Is definite language discussing fact, or something that is debatable? "But it cannot carry the Melbourne of even the next few years without even worse traffic snarls and gridlock." --> So, let's categorise this as 'fact', seeing as the author is pretty generous when they say  "tolling traffic MAY be the only road forward" (omg at the pun lol) --> so if they're being factual about this tollway, it seems pretty unbias, so it's like they're establishing a base. When the author establishes a base like this, we can expect their contention to either be at the start or at the very end, with the 'establishing' aiming to make hte contention look like the only logical solution quite subtly. This article is quite literally saying that we should discuss tolling the traffic as a viable option to getting the thingy built. Small article, small contention. The contention doesn't necessarily need to be a big huge 'omg' sort of issue. Just the overall view the author holds. Here, the author's contention is contained in my above quote box.

Re: [English] [Language Analysis] [Feedback]
Alright, let's see what you've got, Kezza. P.S, haven't read the article.

With the Internet constantly goes here becoming a larger domaincomma after domain, it's domain/capabilities -> two diff clauses. constantly its capabilities have increased astronomically. With this rise:This colon is way too strong. Comma is more appropriate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colon_(punctuation) an onslaught of hackings is becoming more prevalent in the cyber-community; and, debate has been sparked over the security issues faced and the very nature of the protection we use to safeguard our private information.Great One commentator, Memphis Barker, expresses his fears in his feature article for the The Age: ‘Be afraid, very afraid’ (March 22nd, 2013). He uses this opportunity to address fellow Internet users, specifically, those who are ignorant to correct safety precautions on the Internet. His initial admonishing and assertive tone is coupled with a more humorous and satirical tone-when alternatives too Internet passwords are discussed. Excellent. Was there an image? If so, mention here. Contention? mention in intro. Could also be worth comparing the style you've been taught with the above style I was taught.

Barker makes his fears of Internet security breaches clear through the headline of the piece ‘Be afraid, very afraid’: this loaded language is a classic example of tabloid fear mongering. Insinuating to the audience that they should ‘be afraid’ provokes a sense of fear in [the]?reader; furthermore, this causescould cause them to feel a sense of helplessness as all they can do is be ‘very afraid’. Simultaneously, the sub-heading ‘think your internet password is safe?’ uses rhetorical questioning to position fellow Internet users to question themselves; 'captain obvious' sentence.additionally, this provokes a sense of guilt in readers- use a space before and after a dash. comma also more appropriate here.as they may feel it is their responsibility to ensure their safety within the spectrum of the Internet.  Okay, good bit of title analysis. Rhetorical question is a basic one. Hoping to see more depth of analysis from here and more sophisticated analysis. Language is excellent except for punctuation errors

Immediately following thiscareful you don't turn into a commentator. read above essays., Barker, attempts to engage readers through an anecdote. He insists that it was ‘not long ago’ when he used ‘a tin-pot password’ which was ‘eight characters long-without number or symbols’. Baker, seeks to instil the sense of plausibility to his argument through this anecdote, elucidating that even he suffered ‘paranoia’ following the hackings that occurred; this is implemented to position readers to realize that no one is safe.Great. He also could have included the anecdote to make himself more relatable/trustworthy in the eyes of the reader's and thus make the more empathetic. The text sharply refocuses the attention of readers when Barker insists that a ‘radical overhaul’ of ‘online security’ is required. This positions readers to feel that they need to change their Internet security protocols and regime to protect their ‘valuable data’ and defecate You keep saying this word. I do not think it means what you think it means. (Movie ref; The Princess Bride. Top movie). Seriously though this word, get rid of it (google literal definition?) any ’14 year old script kiddies’ or ‘state sponsored agents’.  Consistent with this Barker attempts to elicit fear in the readers when he indicates ‘Bill Gates was among the first’ to join ‘a chorus of hundreds’ who have been ‘hacked’. This entices fear in readers as it implies a sense of anarchy from hackers, as these people are heartless and the user has turned on the creator.Also creates the idea that no one is safe; if the Great and Famous Bill Gates has been hacked, what can a lowly bloke like me do for protection?!?!?! Subsequently, this provocation of fear in readers is implemented to cause a radical sense of change- implying,a comma should come before implying, not after it, because implying is not a separate clause to what comes after it, as implying is directly related to what comes after it. The dash should also be a comma that they must go and change their password so that they do not join the ‘chorus of hundreds’ including ‘governments to Google itself’.
Fantastic expression, more depth/sophistication of analysis required (though, I think this is one of your first LAs?)
Following this, Barker,read this out loud. "Following this pause barker pause implements". Redundant comma implements inclusive language to indicate to readers that everyone is faced with this current conundrum, redundant comma again of hackings. This is exemplified when Barker states that there may be new hope in security as ‘the password could be soon usurped’ and consequently ‘the threat lifted off our gullible shoulders’. This inclusive language seeks to coerce readers as it implies that we are all victims of the insidious nature of hackers. Furthermore, it indicates that we are oblivious to our surroundings as we are ‘gullible’ and we are making it too easy for the hackers: this causes readers to feel a sense of disgust as they are simply allowing this transgression without any form of reprehension. In an attempt to bolster his argument Barker uses a credible source: Matthew Gough, an ‘ethical hacker’. Gough, states that the new forms will not be welcomed in an highly satirical and humorous tone stating that: ‘fashion and tech don’t always go together’, ‘a Google ring might feel like an uncomfortably concrete pledge’ and ‘til death do us part’.  excellent use of colonThis text gives prominence to the fact that passwords are a simpler security measure than the ‘completely unique’ techniques. This can draw out a sense of obligation in readers- causing them to believe it is their choice to fabricate a safe password. This notion coupled with the photograph of the computer and keys accentuates the fact that inadequate security measures allows hackers to simply infiltrate the readers privacy; and, the list of passwords that contribute to the composition of the piece seek to exemplify to readers that common passwords are far from ‘safe’. This mockery, seeks to cause readers to understand that they must construct a password in a much more adroit manner, further causing their passwords to become inconspicuous and deterring hackers from attempting to penetrate their privacy. Wonderful writing, same as last para though - your analysing individual techniques. For a 50, you want to drop technique analysis and start analysing specific uses of language. It's okay to identify techniques for now though - i spent a bit doing it! You'd benefit more from brainstorming articles and deeply thinking about the language used and asking many questions of yourself regarding the article at the moment than you would writing essays. Your essays are great, your perception of the language needs work.

Consequentially Barker insists in a highly assertive tone; that increasing the strength of our password will cause hacking to become ‘far less appealing’ and cause us to stop worrying about ‘who might be snooping’. Consequentially Barker insists that increasing the strength of our password will cause hacking to become 'far less appealing' in a highly assertive tone, causing us to cease worrying about 'who might be snooping'. As a result this provokes readers Check the grammar <--to take action and behold the responsibility of ensuring their Internet safety-through passwords with a combination of ‘letters’, ‘symbols’, and ‘characters’ .  In keeping with this, Barker, insists we are the ‘web’s innocent masses’ and that the ‘web is a darker place than most of us realise’. Furthermore, this is coupled with the cropped photograph; the composition of the photograph accentuates the fact that the reader’s personal data is similar to their heart and it is cocooned in a web of protective layering: however, this cocoon is being rapidly segregated as hackers gain access to our very under structure. This provokes a sense of fear in readers and revulsion as their very ‘rights’ are being violated by senseless thugs. Moreover, it causes readers to feel that radical interventions must be implemented to intervene with this anarchy by hackers; and to protect the ‘innocent masses’ from this ‘struggle’ and ‘limbo’. This is much better analysis. Great paragraph. Analyse the language as deeply as you analyse the image! You also should have mentioned this image as the last line of your intro

Memphis Barker, the writer of ‘Be afraid, very afraid’ In 'Be afraid, very afraid', Memphis Barker expresses..expresses the importance of a radical change in Internet security measures from readers inof, not in (it works better) his feature article.  He supports this contention through a personal approachcomma: through highlighting his own personal experience with hackers and through credible sources. The article was accompanied with two images which in a ploy were designed to evoke a sense of change in Internet security measures, from the readers; the crux of the argument is sure to continue to spark further debate on the topic of Internet security protocols and measures.

Awesome. Great expression and flow. Be wary you don't overuse the stronger punctuation marks, and ensure you use punctuation in the correct places. Incorrect punctuation is pretty much the only thing detracting from your flow at the moment. Analysis is [mostly] currently shallow, focused on specific techniques. You should be looking to shift from this to a more holistic approach and discussion of more sophisticated things as aforementioned in the other essays.


Re: [English] [Language Analysis] [Feedback]

Following the recent animal exportation of Australian sheep to Pakistan and Bahrain, this issue has sparked controversial debate about the unacceptable risks involved in live animal exports. The on line opinion article, "Another bloody business: Live exports, dead sheep" published by "The Punch" and written by Lyn White on the 7th of November 2012, In the inline opinion article "Another bloody business: Live exports, dead sheep" (The Punch, 7/11/02), Lyn White asserts the notion that.... Pay attention to the brackets and the way my language is more concise/punchy than yoursexpresses her opinion that live animal exports should not be continued due to the suffocation of animals. She uses an outraged and compassionate tone appealing to the general public, readers of the paper and fellow animal lovers.Image? Also compare with ym above structure

The writer in an attempt to convince the audience, grammar! --> "In an attempt to convince the audience that [xyz], the writer [xyz] makes use of emotive language throughout the entire article. seems informal.Her choice of words such as "dead sheep", "bloody business" and "suffering" appeals to ones sense of feeling and positions the reader to also feel emotionally upset and angered because of the cruelty and suffocation the Australian sheep went through Also evokes some pretty gruesome imagery - what effect could this have on the reader?. She also attempts to capture the audiences attention by her use of statistics. By having an authority figure, Sarah Ferguson indicate that "21,000 Australian sheep found themselves as pawns", this appeals to ones sense of feelings sense of feelings? that's a new one and positions the reader to also feel a sense of sympathy towards the Australian sheep because such a large number of the "indefensible" sheep have been slaughtered for no reason.

The articles strength lies in the repeated emotive imagery that continually reaffirms the writers contention. Whites use of inclusive language and statistics strengthen the article and the referencing to authoritative figures like Sarah Ferguson lends credibility to her arguments and her emotional tone encourages the audience to fully endorse her view points.
(the other techniques i mentioned were for my other paragraphs!!)

Well that was over quickly! I want more!! What you've got so far is decent! Could analyse more deeply, but it's hard to give you proper feedback without a full essay . Perhaps your situation isn't as dire as you thought it was?

[meganrobyn]

Brenden, you are a legend in your own freaking lunchbox. And I love your analysis structure; yes, perhaps helps that it's so similar to mine!

[brenden]

Brenden, you are a legend in your own freaking lunchbox. And I love your analysis structure; yes, perhaps helps that it's so similar to mine!

Thank you so much! (yay validation!)

[meganrobyn]

Thank you so much! (yay validation!)

Yes, the amount of work you put into helping others speaks volumes of your generosity - and the feedback is very high-quality, too. Oh, and the Princess Bride reference. Nice.

[brenden]

the Princess Bride reference. Nice.

Life can't get better.


Thank you very much for saying so , I appreciate it.