Every so often, opportunities of a lifetime pass right by you and it’s your choice whether you seize them or not. As a fourteen year old girl, I made the decision to go on a Rotary Youth Exchange. People told me that I was crazy, “you can’t survive a WHOLE year alone.” That was the general consensus of my family, friends and school. I was adamant that I was going to go and nobody was going to change my mind.
Preparing to leave was exciting! I collected an assortment of Kangaroo badges ready to be passed on the fellow exchange students from different countries. Badges from our home countries are a prized currency amongst exchange students. I shopped for new clothes and had my packing list ready many weeks before I was ready to leave. My friends were in denial that I was leaving, because at the time, a year seemed as though it was forever.
I was caught in limbo; I still had to participate in my life in Australia. The only subject on my mind was Brazil and how I excited I was to be going. As my friends around me chose their subjects for the following year, and which textbooks to buy, I felt markedly left out. I was ready to be in Brazil, living an entirely new life.
Within a week of being in a new country which I just wanted to explore, I was sent to a Brazilian high school. The first day was terrifying. Everything and everyone was unfamiliar to me, and I could not communicate and make friends. So I sat alone. During the break, I took great pleasure in watching the little monkeys in my school yard swing gracefully amongst the acai fruit trees.
Throughout the day, students approached me and tried to talk to the ‘new girl.’ It was difficult, as I could not speak Portuguese and they could not, or would not speak English. I’m sure to onlookers; it would’ve been an extremely strange sight to see. Two people having a conversation in Portuglish using extreme body movements to get our points across.
And then came the six week point of my exchange, I had been warned about it. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect and combination of the flu and homesickness to wipe out my psyche so extensively. For three days, I was bedridden, sleeping almost eighteen hours a day and for the remaining six, throwing up and crying. I had never been so sick in my life, and I longed to be at home, in my own bed, with my mum’s chicken soup.
Weeks later, my school’s soccer competition finally started. I was at my peak fitness level. I’d been training twice a day, five days a week. I was so excited to be playing again. I went to school in my soccer gear – indoor soccer boots, knee high socks and my very own personalised jersey. The first game went well, I scored three goals. I felt euphoric, as the whole school backed me.
I was invited to go on the year twelve camp and after being convinced, I decided to go. I only knew one girl going, but I took the opportunity to meet new people. It was the best choice I made during the year! I was sleeping for six hours and night, and speaking Portuguese for sixteen hours a day. Needless to say, my ability to communicate in Portuguese improved dramatically as my new friends decided to support me, by ignoring anything I said in English.
Time flew by, and I was now preparing to go back to Australia. I didn’t want to leave Brazil, and the amazing friends I had made. I was ending the best year of my life and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that I would see all my Brazilian friends because in reality, I’ll never see the majority of them again. I had no idea how to say goodbye to people who played such a pivotal role in making me the person I am today. Before I left, I had my friends write messages to me in a black journal and take at least one photo together. We spent my last few days, laughing and smiling knowing they were some of the last.
My three best friends came to the airport with me to say goodbye. At that stage, I was in denial. I wasn’t ready to leave. I refused to cry in front of my friends, even as the tears streamed down their faces. My final words to them were “I’ll be back, don’t worry.” I soon as my friends were out of sight, I burst out crying. The tears were pouring down my face, and I sniffed loudly as my chest hurt with a pain I’d only known once before in my life. At that point, I feared I would never know happiness again.
Arriving back in Australia was hard. Everyone and everything was same, and I was the one who was different. I felt like a freak.
Now I’m left with the feeling of ‘saudade.’ Saudade has no English equivalent and refers to a feeling of deep melancholy, longing and desire for what was. I don’t foresee this feeling ever going away.
Sheridan Hollo
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