Language Analysis Essay - Feedback appreciated (due monday)

[Einstein]

Hey Guys, this is my LA piece, any help/correction/feedback would be greatly appreciated

Currently in Year 11, and haven't written a LA since my year 10 exam, so I'm a tad rusty.

..............

Article -> http://www.bendigoadvertiser.com.au/story/701920/jumps-racing-must-be-saved/ (its missing the image here, but in short its just 2 horses jumping over the hurdle)

The recent issue of whether to abolish jumps racing has come to the forefront of the medias attention. Colin Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” published in the Bendigo advertiser on 16/05/2013 contends that jumps racing should continue in Australia. Carry, in a passionate and at times a frustrated and attacking tone shares his view to an audience of Australian adults and Racing Victoria.

Carry opens his letter to the editor by stating that abolishing the ‘colourful sport’ will result in the “tens of thousands of those currently employed in the industry end up out of work’.  Carry appeals to the reader’s sense of job security as he mentions that many will be out of work if the plans to abolish jumps racing continue. This creates a sense of fear in the readers mind as it makes the reader contemplate with the hardships, which correlate to being unemployed. Furthermore, Carry moves to an attacking tone, exemplifying Racing victoria as gutless for not preparing to give the proposed changes a fair go. The use of the word ‘gutless’ carry’s a negative connotation, which adversely resembles Racing victoria as inhumane. Moreover, Carry concludes his argument by stating that the current economical downturn will proliferate and plague Australia for many years. By using the word ‘plague’, Carry relates the foreseen economical downturn as a disease, which elicits a sense of distress in the readers mind as they are forced to contemplate with the problem, which will occur with the proposed changes by racing victoria.

The image of two horses ‘elegantly’ jumping over a hurdle further accompanies his contention. By illustrating the horses safely competing against each other, the image presents to the reader that jumps racing is not that dangerous after all.

Carry then shifts to a passionate and more humble tone as he uses expert opinion to accompany his contention that jumps racing must be saved. Carry employs an appeal to tradition as he states that the greats of the sport such as Adam Lindsay Gordon and A.B. “Banjo” Paterson “must be turning in their graves at the possible loss of our nations history and culture that is embedded in this sport”. The use of appeal to country’s tradition further highlights in the readers mind that abolishing this country’s renowned sport is un-Australian.

Carry concludes his letter to the editor is a sympathetic yet attacking tone, stating that he like all Aussies’ feel for any Animal that gets hurt. While being sympathetic for animals, Carry attacks the minority groups by resembling them as bleeding hearts and do-gooders. This accentuates the problem that these minority groups  ‘think’ are doing right. Furthermore Carry uses a rhetorical question stating “Do those opposing this fine sport want a huge increase in the amount of horse meat in pet food that will result if it is abolished?” The use of an open-ended rhetorical question makes the reader ponder what really is abolishing the sport going to do for the good of us everyday Aussies’.

Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” uses a passionate and at times a frustrated and attacking tone to make the reader notice that abolishing this ‘fine sport’ will result in economical problems. Through the use of rhetorical questions, hidden connotations and appeals to our country tradition, Carry makes the reader think deeply about the issue at hand. Carry uses illustrations and expert opinion to accompanies his contention that the sport is no harm then good.

[Einstein]

Somebody please help !!!

[brightsky]

The recent issue of whether to abolish jumps racing has come to the forefront of the medias attention. Colin Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” published in the Bendigo advertiser on 16/05/2013 contends that jumps racing should continue in Australia. Carry, in a passionate and at times a frustrated and attackingConsider pugnacious, belligerent, bellicose as alternative adjectives tone shares his view to an audience of Australian adults and Racing Victoria.

Carry opens his letter to the editor by stating that abolishing the ‘colourful sport’ will result in the “tens of thousands of those currently employed in the industry end up out of work’.  Carry appeals to the reader’s sense of job security as he mentions that many will be out of work if the plans to abolish jumps racing continue. This createsinstils might be a little better a sense of fear in the readers mind as it makes the reader contemplate with the preposition is unnecessarythe hardships, which correlate to being unemployed. this last sentence is a little awkward.Furthermore, Carry moves to an attacking tone, again, awkward phraseologyexemplifying wrong use of the verb exemplifyRacing victoria as gutless for not preparing to give the proposed changes a fair go. The use of the wordbe more specific. Adjective not word. ‘gutless’ carry’s a negative connotation, which adversely resembles awkward use of verbRacing victoria as inhumane. Moreover, Carry concludes his argument by stating that the current economical downturn will proliferate and plague Australia for many years. By using the wordnoun ‘plague’, Carry relates the foreseen economical downturn as a disease, which elicits a sense of distress in the readers mind as they are forced to contemplate with the problem, not sure what this meanswhich will occur with the proposed changes by racing victoria.

The image of two horses ‘elegantly’ jumping over a hurdle further the conjunction is unnecessaryaccompanies his contention. By illustrating the horses safely competing against each other, the image presents to the reader that jumps racing is not that dangerous after all.

Carry then shifts to a passionate and more humble tone as he uses expert opinion to accompany his contention that jumps racing must be saved. Carry employs an appeal to tradition as he states that the greats of the sport such as Adam Lindsay Gordon and A.B. “Banjo” Paterson “must be turning in their graves at the possible loss of our nations history and culture that is embedded in this sport”. The use of appeal to country’s tradition further highlights in the readers mind that abolishing this country’s renowned sport is un-Australian. so what? What effect does this have on the reader?

Carry concludes his letter to the editor is a sympathetic yet attacking tone, cut the repetition. You don't want your analysis to sound monotonous.stating that he like all Aussies’ feel for any Animal that gets hurt. While being sympathetic for animals, Carry attacks the minority groups by resembling them as bleeding hearts and do-gooders. This accentuates the problem that these minority groups  ‘think’ are doing right. Furthermore Carry uses a rhetorical question stating “Do those opposing this fine sport want a huge increase in the amount of horse meat in pet food that will result if it is abolished?” The use of an open-ended rhetorical question makes the reader ponder what really is abolishing the sport going to do for the good of us everyday Aussies’.

Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” uses a passionate and at times a frustrated and attacking tone oh noto make the reader notice that abolishing this ‘fine sport’ will result in economical problems. Through the use of rhetorical questions, hidden connotations and appeals to our country tradition, Carry makes the reader think deeply about the issue at hand. Carry uses illustrations and expert opinion to accompanies his contention that the sport is no harm then good.

Don't use the verb 'state'. It is pedestrian. Think of more colourful alternatives. Don't repeat yourself. It betrays a slight want of imagination. The analysis is solid, although you could have elaborated more on how language is used to influence the psychology of the reader. The effect of a literary technique is usually more complicated than 'alerts the reader to X fact'. There were a few awkward phrases in the essay but for the most part the expression was clear and not overly convoluted. The essay probably stands at around 6-7 at the moment, but it shouldn't be too hard to bump it up to an 8.

[literally lauren]

The recent issue of whether to abolish jumps racing has come to the forefront of the media's attention. Colin Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” published in the Bendigo advertiser on 16/05/2013 I know we're taught to do this in years 7-10, but in VCE this info really isn't needed, though some teachers still request it. I'd leave it in this time, but try to develop intros without this filler contends that jumps racing should continue in Australia. Carry, in a passionate and at times a frustrated and attacking tone shares his view to an audience of Australian adults and Racing Victoria. can be beneficial to deal with the other side of the debate, or at least acknowledge it here. good practice for the multiple articles/ contentions you'll have to deal with later

Carry opens his letter to the editor by stating that abolishing the ‘colourful sport’ will result in the “tens of thousands of those currently employed in the industry to end up out of work."  Carry This appeals to the reader’s sense of job security as he mentions that many will be out of work if the plans to abolish jumps racing continue. The quote above already tells us this, try to comment on how this is achieved through language eg. 'creating a sense of potential loss and waste in the "tens of thousands." This creates a sense of fear in the readers mind as it makes the reader contemplate with contemplate=think about, 'with' is not needed the hardships, which correlate to 'correlate=equal to' instead use: 'associated with' being unemployed. Furthermore, Carry moves to an attacking tone, aim for a smoother transition, commenting on tone through adverbs instead, eg. 'Carry then vilifies...exemplifying wrong word Racing Victoria as gutless for not preparing to give the proposed changes a fair go. The use of the word ‘gutless’ carry’s carries a negative connotation, which adversely resembles portrays? positions? not sure what you're going for here Racing victoria as inhumane. Moreover, only use 'moreover'/'furthermore' if you're linking to a similar point, it's not necessary here Carry concludes his argument by stating that the current economical downturn caused by the proposed change (?)will proliferate and plague Australia for many years. By using the word ‘plague’, Carry relates hyperbolically conveys the foreseen economical downturn as a disease very good, but could do more here at a word level: plague=deadly=contagious, which elicits a sense of distress in the readers mind as they are forced to contemplate with the problem, which will occur with the proposed changes by racing victoria. try to focus on what this makes us feel about the changes. 'Equating the changes to a 'plague' makes readers view Racing Victoria as...'

The image of two horses ‘elegantly’ jumping over a hurdle further accompanies his compliments the author's contention. By illustrating the horses safely competing against each other, the image presents to the reader that jumps racing is not that dangerous after all. 'Therefore, readers associate the sport with...and see Racing Victoria as... (?)

Carry then shifts to a passionate and more humble tone as he *uses* expert opinion to accompany his contention contend that that jumps racing must be saved. what expert? this needs development and linking Carry employs an appeal to tradition as he states that the greats of the sport such asmany great Australians (they're better known for poetry than they're sports) Adam Lindsay Gordon and A.B. Banjo Paterson “must be turning in their graves at the possible loss of our nations history and culture that is embedded in this sport”. The use of appeal to country’s tradition you've stated the technique already, try to find a way around this repetition further highlights in the readers mind that abolishing this country’s renowned sport is un-Australian. effects??

Carry concludes his letter to the editor in a sympathetic yet attackingthere are better words for this tone, stating that he like all Aussies feel for any animal that gets hurt. While being sympathetic for animals, Carry also attacks the minority groups by resemblingdescribing them as bleeding hearts and do-goodershow is this an attack?. This accentuates the problem that these minority groups  ‘think’ they are doing right. so how do readers feel about these minorities? Furthermore Carry *uses* a rhetorical question stating “Do those opposing this fine sport want a huge increase in the amount of horse meat in pet food that will result if it is abolished?” The use of an open-ended rhetorical question makes the reader ponder what really is abolishing the sport going to do for the good of us everyday Aussies’. needs more, eg. 'Hence, they are more inclined to side with the author in condemning these proposed changes.'

Carry’s letter to the editor “Jumps racing must be saved” *uses* a passionate and at times a frustrated and attacking been said 3 times already tone to make the reader notice that abolishing this ‘fine sport’ will result in economical problems. Through the use of rhetorical questions, hidden connotations and appeals to our country tradition, avoid simply listing techniques in conclusions Carry makes the reader think deeply about the issue at hand. a tad redundant, what is he making us think? about whom? Carry *uses* illustrations and expert opinion to accompanies his contention that the sport is no harm then good.

Hi Einstein
**As a general tip try not to write 'The author USES rhetorical questions/other techniques' It's clunky and can get quickly get repetitive. A more sophisticated way would be to say 'The author rhetorically questions whether...' or 'The author's hyperbolic assertion that...'
There's some good analysis here, but a lot of it is repeated ad nauseum. Your article is a little on the short side but you should still be able to construct an essay without running out of material so quickly. It's good that you're commenting on tonal shifts, but that too sounds monotonous the second time, let alone the third. If you aren't going to make a point about what these shifts accomplish just leave it.
There are some major syntactic issues holding you back, don't use the ten-dollar words for the sake of it, especially if you're not totally clear on their meaning. Vocabulary expansion is always good, but you're better off sticking with what you know than making your essay convoluted with incorrect phrasings.
Try to spend more time discussing the impact on the readership and less time simply highlighting techniques. You also tend to quote to summarise, when you should be breaking down the quotes and determining their connotations and effects.
I'd say it's about a 6-7 too, depending on your cohort/teacher, but fixing up locution and improving the analysis should help your mark immensely.
Hope this helps