[English] [Language Analysis]

[Blondie21]

So this is my first language analysis of the year and i've pretty much forgotten what to do haha I haven't completed it - this is the introduction and first paragraph! Any help would be appreciated.

This is the article but it doesn't contain the images that we were given.

The first image (appears in the top middle(?) of the article) of the article looks something like this

and the second one (which is also in the middle but lower than the first photo) looks similar to this



When Tomas Kelly died after being king hit in Sydney, the debate over the need to implement changes to our drinking culture was reignited. The article “Stop alcohol fuelled violence – it’s killing our youth” by Dr. Jennifer Pilgrim (The Canberra Times, December 3rd 2012), contends in a predominantly reasonable tone that the country must recognise the consequences of Australia’s drinking problem and that the attitude towards alcohol must be altered to prevent further harm inflicted on innocent citizens. The article is also poignantly complemented with a photograph of a man who had been brutally bashed which is juxtaposed by an image of a woman who is sculling her alcohol. The article is targeted towards the general Australian public, particularly those who have been oblivious to the impact of alcohol. Dr. Pilgrim hopes her article will be an incentive for her audience to recognise the harm of alcohol and therefore fight for a change.

The author begins with a real life case study to emphasise the calamity of the consequences of Australia’s current views on alcohol. This immediately allows the readers to feel indignant towards the issue and be more likely to agree with the author’s contention. Dr. Pilgrim continues by stating that the perpetrator of this “tragic” crime was “only” given a “non-parole period of four years.” Such an approach is likely to cause the audience to feel irate due to the meagre penalty given for such a horrific crime. The readers’ emotional connection to the issue would allow Dr. Pilgrim to utilise their vulnerability by pleading the importance of a change in our current opinions on alcohol. In addition, the audience is told that there were “ninety deaths” though this figure is merely an “underestimation” in an attempt to evoke an appeal to the readers’ fear. By highlighting that this is an ongoing problem, the author hopes that the audience may consider that they could potentially be a victim of alcohol fuelled violence as this has become a common problem. The reader would be more inclined to agree with the author’s contention and argue that there must be a change in Australia’s current perceptions on alcohol. Thus, Dr. Pilgrim hopes that her audience is aware of the ramifications the current system is having and with this knowledge, will agree that Australians needs to alter the beliefs centred around alcohol. 

[drake]

probably fix the contextualisation sentence at the beginning. something like "following the tragic death of tomas kelly who has become yet another victim of alcohol-fuelled violence, intense debate has reignited as to whether changes should be implemented to Australia's drinking culture".

my teacher always suggested placing the tone at the start of the first paragraph and to evidence the tone with a quote... however may be different for other schools! the same goes with target audience, i referenced that at the start of the first paragraph.

perhaps don't say "poignantly complemented" - it sounds weird. something like, "accompanying the article is a photograph depicting..."

the last sentence of the introduction probably should be taken out. the last sentence of the intro needs to take into consideration the broader implications of the issue - e.g. the safety of mankind, the hedonism of adolescents etc.

while you make analyse sequentially, DO NOT show it! so don't say "the author begins with...". the examiner already knows what the author begins with, you don't need to state it! find a linguistic technique within the article and then find the author's aim. "this immediately allows the readers to feel indignant..." - WHY? need more on the effect for readers. don't use words like "stating" - this suggests you are analysing CONTENT when you should be analysing LANGUAGE. the part where you say "continues by stating" is once again sequential and shows that you are pretty much just restating the article in different terms... this is not your aim in language analysis! "In addition, the audience is told that there were “ninety deaths” though this figure is merely an “underestimation” in an attempt to evoke an appeal to the readers’ fear." - NEVER say "the audience is told". perhaps you could say something like: "the statistical allusion to "ninety deaths" placed in close proximity to the negative connotations contained in "underestimation" implores readers to harbour a sense of disbelief and sympathy for..." you shouldn't use "the author hopes" - this is not a good expression. use something like, "the author attempts". the last few sentences of the paragraph probably need to logically flow better. every technique is aiming to make the reader "more inclined to agree with the author's contention", so you probably shouldn't say that. you could say something like "as a result, readers may view Dr Pilgram's contention with greater conviction since..."

overall, not bad but not great. firstly, you haven't found any techniques? e.g. rhetorical questions, pejoratives, repetition, hyperbole etc. you first need to find these in the article, and then analyse the author's aim and the effect on the readers! you have potential though, so keep working hard! the only way to get better is by getting your work marked and critiqued, and then starting again all the best! PM if you have any more questions

[HossRyams]

my teacher always suggested placing the tone at the start of the first paragraph and to evidence the tone with a quote... however may be different for other schools!

Echoing this. I was taught the same (my teacher was previously the chief assessor for English) and I always did it for my language analyses.

[Blondie21]

I would love some feedback on this paragraph (I wont post my entire essay anymore.. I don't want to take up much of your time!). It is the second paragraph for
this article.

Some parts may be familiar.. i've stolen a few lines from some of the essays on here ;-)

Building on the new legislations implemented by the government, the editor sarcastically yet defiantly attacks the Queensland Premier Campbell Newman’s reasoning for hesitating to agree with restricting pub and club opening hours. By attacking his “courage” and questioning whether or not he is “man enough,” the editor reduces Newman’s credibility so that the readers are inspired to feel as though he is not only doomed to failure, but furthermore, incompetent. Moreover, the author implicitly and colloquially suggests that Premier Newman has “mates” such as “greedy businessmen” to further degrade his credibility though also engenders the reader’s contempt, and more pertinently exasperation with the government by depicting the country’s negligent prioritisation on alcohol-fuelled violence; and encourages them to share in the author’s disdain towards the carelessness of Premier Newman. However, the author juxtaposes the Premier’s “courage[less]” beliefs with those on the “frontline of dealing with the tragic aftermath,” inciting the reader to view Newman’s approach as inferior to an attempt created by those who have endured the ramifications of alcohol-fuelled violence. The editors evoke the idea that “the only” solution to changing Australia’s drinking culture are reduced trading hours and hence the audience are inclined to promote the same beliefs due to the clear and logical reasoning. Through this, the editor acknowledges that changing Australia’s drinking mindset will be “no easy task” due to the many disagreements regarding alcohol-fuelled violence.