Oral:is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide?

[smile+energy]

Hi, can anyone please have a look at my speech and give some feedback? I will appreciate your help.

Hi, everyone.During the third week of Nov, 2013, there was a coronial inquest into the suicides of three high school students in Geelong. The issues raised by these deaths included the psychological resilience of teenagers and the role of the mainstream media in reporting suicide. Have you ever thought about suicide? You probably haven’t. But let’s face it, suicide is a leading cause of death among young people, second only to motor vehicle accidents. Then many people ask is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide. In my perspective, Australia isn’t. There are more needs to be done by our governments and communities, and the media should by strictly regulated by regulations on how to report suicide. Young people are the future of Australia, all of us should work together to minimise the youth suicide.
 Given that the Australia government announced it was investing $491.7 million over five years to help prevent youth suicide in June 2013. However, the reality is that only one out of four young people with mental health problems receives professional health care. I am so upset to hear about that. If the funding of suicide prevention is sufficient, why some of these people cannot access to the help they need? In Sep 2013 it was reported that an Adelaide teenager who subsequently took her own live had been a waiting list to see a psychologist for over a year. In this case, we can see that the availability of psychologists is not enough compared to the number of people who has mental illness. Unfortunately, the truth behind that is money. Let’s imagine this: if our governments put more funding in preventing youth suicide, then we can have more mental health programs, mental health clinic across the country, especially in remote areas, and also we can run special suicide prevention programs in schools. The governments should do so, thus nearly everyone who has mental illness can access to help when he/she needs it. 
 Schools and family are parts of our communities, it is where young people spend most of their young lives with. As we all know, the psychological resilience of young people, especially teenagers is weak. Young people need to be loved and cared by their family members to develop strong psychological resilience. And their parents play important roles in the psychological development of young people. If the parents of a teenager observe and notice the strange changes of psychological development of their child, and the parents can talk to their child about what has happened and find an appropriate way to help their child, thus the tragedy of suicide could be prevented. It is what we called “supportive family network” helps. Let’s look at our school, yes we have student welfare and sick bay, but we don’t have special mental illness program. WE SHOULD HAVE ONE. The schools should help young people who have mental illness by running special programs targeting youth suicide. The workers in the programs should be able to identify potential mental illness among their students and help these kids to build better resilience. So yeah…there are more needs to be done by our communities.
The media is the big player in reporting suicide. The current laws that guide the media in reporting suicide is not strict enough. The rules should guide the media how to find a balance between reports a suicide and not promote more suicidal behaviour. Dr Michael Carr-Gregg believes that the impact is substantial, waring that inappropriate media coverage can ‘romanticise, glamorise, sanitise and normalise’ suicide. The current guidelines requires that the reporting must satisfy at least one of the criteria (in my Powerpoint). Yeah, that’s only guides for before reporting suicide, and what about after that? If there is more suicidal behaviour, who will take the responsibility? The answer is unknown. I personally think there should have guidelines about how to report a suicide, to reduce the “copycat” suicidal behaviour; and also there should have some authorities to actually watch what and how a suicide has been reported by the media. Thus, if there is an irresponsible report, authorities can find the right person to take the responsibility. Good and strict guidelines can regulate the media in reporting suicide.
In all, governments should put more funding in preventing youth suicide; our communities including family, schools can provide more help to minimise youth suicide; the media should be strictly regulated on how to report suicidal behaviour. Is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide? My answer is no, as there are more our governments, communities can do, and the media should be regulated well enough on reporting suicides. Thus, all of us work together to minimise youth suicide in Australia. Thanks for listening.

[vox nihili]

Hi, can anyone please have a look at my speech and give some feedback? I will appreciate your help.

Hi, everyone.During the third week of Nov, 2013, there was a coronial inquest into the suicides of three high school students in Geelong. The issues raised by these deaths included the psychological resilience of teenagers and the role of the mainstream media in reporting suicide. Have you ever thought about suicide? You probably haven’t. But let’s face it, suicide is a leading cause of death among young people, second only to motor vehicle accidents. Then many people ask is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide. In my perspective, Australia isn’t. There are more needs to be done by our governments and communities, and the media should by strictly regulated by regulations on how to report suicide. Young people are the future of Australia, all of us should work together to minimise the youth suicide.
 Given that the Australia government announced it was investing $491.7 million over five years to help prevent youth suicide in June 2013. However, the reality is that only one out of four young people with mental health problems receives professional health care. I am so upset to hear about that. If the funding of suicide prevention is sufficient, why some of these people cannot access to the help they need? In Sep 2013 it was reported that an Adelaide teenager who subsequently took her own live had been a waiting list to see a psychologist for over a year. In this case, we can see that the availability of psychologists is not enough compared to the number of people who has mental illness. Unfortunately, the truth behind that is money. Let’s imagine this: if our governments put more funding in preventing youth suicide, then we can have more mental health programs, mental health clinic across the country, especially in remote areas, and also we can run special suicide prevention programs in schools. The governments should do so, thus nearly everyone who has mental illness can access to help when he/she needs it. 
 Schools and family are parts of our communities, it is where young people spend most of their young lives with. As we all know, the psychological resilience of young people, especially teenagers is weak. Young people need to be loved and cared by their family members to develop strong psychological resilience. And their parents play important roles in the psychological development of young people. If the parents of a teenager observe and notice the strange changes of psychological development of their child, and the parents can talk to their child about what has happened and find an appropriate way to help their child, thus the tragedy of suicide could be prevented. It is what we called “supportive family network” helps. Let’s look at our school, yes we have student welfare and sick bay, but we don’t have special mental illness program. WE SHOULD HAVE ONE. The schools should help young people who have mental illness by running special programs targeting youth suicide. The workers in the programs should be able to identify potential mental illness among their students and help these kids to build better resilience. So yeah…there are more needs to be done by our communities.
The media is the big player in reporting suicide. The current laws that guide the media in reporting suicide is not strict enough. The rules should guide the media how to find a balance between reports a suicide and not promote more suicidal behaviour. Dr Michael Carr-Gregg believes that the impact is substantial, waring that inappropriate media coverage can ‘romanticise, glamorise, sanitise and normalise’ suicide. The current guidelines requires that the reporting must satisfy at least one of the criteria (in my Powerpoint). Yeah, that’s only guides for before reporting suicide, and what about after that? If there is more suicidal behaviour, who will take the responsibility? The answer is unknown. I personally think there should have guidelines about how to report a suicide, to reduce the “copycat” suicidal behaviour; and also there should have some authorities to actually watch what and how a suicide has been reported by the media. Thus, if there is an irresponsible report, authorities can find the right person to take the responsibility. Good and strict guidelines can regulate the media in reporting suicide.
In all, governments should put more funding in preventing youth suicide; our communities including family, schools can provide more help to minimise youth suicide; the media should be strictly regulated on how to report suicidal behaviour. Is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide? My answer is no, as there are more our governments, communities can do, and the media should be regulated well enough on reporting suicides. Thus, all of us work together to minimise youth suicide in Australia. Thanks for listening.

I like where it's going so far, you've got some good stats and some interesting points to make.

The speech itself is a little bit lost (all first drafts are, don't fret!). You haven't really developed a clear and consistent point throughout the speech, so I'd definitely encourage you to focus your argument a bit more. Ok, so that's all jibberish, what do I mean by that?

It's all right to say that the government isn't doing enough, but you should also make some attempt to resolve the issue. What is it that the government should be doing, and why is that the right course? You mention funding, but don't really speak about where that should go or what can be achieved with it. This is a completely normal issue in a first draft. You've got all this rage and all of these ideas in your head, so they all come out in the same speech. It takes a little bit of work to refine them down, something you need to do.

I also don't understand why you've started with the 2009 suicides, and then kind of left it hanging. It's not a bad story to start with, but all you've highlighted is that it got the media talking about suicide. If you're going to mention it, make mention of the emotional side of it. An introduction is to get people hooked.

[smile+energy]

Thanks for your insightful feedback. I will continually work on that. Thanks again

[literally lauren]

Hi, everyone. if you're talking about an issue as serious as this, maybe best not to start off with such a flippant 'hi there,' just jump straight into it. During the third week of Nov, 2013, there was a coronial inquest into the suicides of three high school students in Geelong. The issues raised by these deaths included the psychological resilience of teenagers and the role of the mainstream media in reporting suicide. Have you ever thought about suicide? You probably haven’t. But let’s face it, suicide is a leading cause of death among young people, second only to motor vehicle accidents. Then the question many people ask is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide. In my perspective, Australia isn’t. There are More needs to be done by our governments and communities, and the media should by strictly regulated by adhere to strict regulations on how to report suicide. Young people are the future of Australia, all of us should work together to minimise the youth suicide. Could do more with emotional appeals here, instead of reiterating 'more needs to be done'
 Given that the Australia government announced it was investing $491.7 million over five years to help prevent youth suicide in June 2013. However, the reality is that only one out of four young people with mental health problems receives professional health care. I am so upset to hear about that. It's good that you're engaging with your issue, but stating your emotions like this isn't at all persuasive, try to make the audience feel upset If the funding of suicide prevention is sufficient, why are some of these people cannotunable to access to the help they need? In Sep 2013 it was reported that an Adelaide teenager who subsequently took her own live had been a waiting list to see a psychologist for over a year. In this case, we can see that the availability of psychologists is not enough compared to the number of people who has mental illness. kind of clunky phrasing Unfortunately, the truth behind that is money.<--ditto here Let’s imagine this: if our governments put more funding in preventing youth suicide, then we can have more mental health programs, mental health clinic across the country, especially in remote areas, and also we can run special suicide prevention programs in schools. The governments should do so, thus so that nearly everyone who has mental illness can access to help when he/she needs it.  Yes but why should they? You're simply presenting the facts and then telling us what should be happening, try to guide your audience to these conclusions rather than just tack them on the end of paragraphs
 Schools and family are parts of our communities, it is where young people spend most of their young lives with. As we all know, the psychological resilience of young people, especially teenagers is weak. not necessarily -.- Young people need to be loved and cared by their family members to develop strong psychological resilience. And their parents play important roles in the psychological development of young people. If the parents of a teenager observe and notice the strange changes of psychological development of their child, and the parents can talk to their child about what has happened and find an appropriate way to help their child, thus the tragedy of suicide could be prevented. It is what we called “supportive family network” helps. Let’s look at our school, yes we have student welfare and sick bay, but we don’t have special mental illness program. maybe this is the case with your school, but I'd imagine there's at least one counselor/coordinator/homeroom teacher who people can turn to for help, this might not be a strong choice of argument WE SHOULD HAVE ONE. The schools should help young people who have mental illness by running special programs targeting youth suicide. How? Why? I know suicide is a sad thing, but none of that is being communicated here. The workers in the programs should be able to identify potential mental illness among their students and help these kids to build better resilience. So yeah…there are more needs to be done by our communities.
The media is the big player in reporting suicide. The current laws that guide the media in reporting suicide isare not strict enough. The rules should guide the media how to find a balance between reportsreporting a suicide and not promoting more suicidal behaviour. Dr Michael Carr-Gregg believes that the impact is substantial, warning that inappropriate media coverage can ‘romanticise, glamorise, sanitise and normalise’ suicide. The current guidelines requires that the reporting must satisfy at least one of the criteria (in my Powerpoint). Yeah, that’s only guides for before reporting suicide, and what about after that? If there is more suicidal behaviour, who will take the responsibility? The answer is unknown. I personally think there should have guidelines about how to report a suicide, to reduce the “copycat” suicidal behaviour; and also there should have some authorities to actually watch what and how a suicide has been reported by the media. Thus, if there is an irresponsible report, authorities can find the right person to take the responsibility. Good and strict guidelines can regulate the media in reporting suicide.
In all, governments should put more funding in preventing youth suicide; our communities including family, schools can provide more help to minimise youth suicide; the media should be strictly regulated on how to report suicidal behaviour. Is Australia doing enough to prevent youth suicide? My answer is no, as there are more our governments, communities can do, and the media should be regulated well enough on reporting suicides. Thus, all of us work together to minimise youth suicide in Australia. Thanks for listening. ending could be a lot stronger than just a simple rehashing of arguments. It's good that you've signposted your major discussion points in the intro, but try to do more in the conclusion. End with impact, maybe find a powerful quote/anecdote, link it back to the story of the Geelong teens you mentioned in the intro, or just rephrase this into a stronger, more emotional appeal.

I'd say your main issue is that you're 'telling' instead of 'showing'. It's far more persuasive for an audience to feel how distressing and tragic suicide can be, than it is for them to hear someone tell them it's distressing and tragic. For a topic like this, you need to make far greater use of the audience's feelings. Your distribution of facts and anecdotes are good (though I agree with T-Rav, you leave a lot hanging) but for the most part your argument is little more than dictating what the government/media should do.
Also there are quite a few grammatical/ syntax errors, I've fixed most, but a quick edit is probably a good idea. Reread each sentence on its own to see if it makes sense, or if in doubt, rephrase it so you're comfortable. It's better to be speaking in a way that flows naturally to you than to read verbatim from cue cards anyway
Best of luck

[smile+energy]

Thanks Lauren. That's very helpful. I will work on that too. Thanks

[vox nihili]

And this is why Lauren ended up with a 50!




I should also probably point out that I'm biased on this matter as I actually went to the school you referred to.

[smile+energy]

YES, Lauren is ace.
My teacher said people in remote areas cannot easily access to mental treatment, I will change my point to that rather than say all Australia.

[vox nihili]

YES, Lauren is ace.
My teacher said people in remote areas cannot easily access to mental treatment, I will change my point to that rather than say all Australia.

Be careful about that point though, because Geelong isn't really a remote area. That and (whilst it won't affect your speech because nobody will be that knowledgeable about the topic) our school was actually renowned in the region (and used as a model for other schools) for its mental health programme.

[literally lauren]

^What the english teacher doesn't know won't hurt them

Don't compromise the chance to persuade for the sake of expository detail though. Maybe you could simply state that the quality of mental health treatment is insufficient, rather than discussing accessibility. BeyondBlue and other such organisations are freely available to anyone with an internet connection or a phone line. Rather than blaming the availability in remote areas, focus instead on the isolation that suicidal people feel, and how their own 'remoteness' may prevent them from ever seeking help --> which is (debatably) the fault of a media that glorifies/romanticises the act of suicide but condemns the victims.
But... If your teacher said there's issues with accessibility then go with that. Best to pander to assessors if ever in doubt

[smile+energy]

Be careful about that point though, because Geelong isn't really a remote area. That and (whilst it won't affect your speech because nobody will be that knowledgeable about the topic) our school was actually renowned in the region (and used as a model for other schools) for its mental health programme.

Thanks for the reminder

[smile+energy]

^What the english teacher doesn't know won't hurt them

Don't compromise the chance to persuade for the sake of expository detail though. Maybe you could simply state that the quality of mental health treatment is insufficient, rather than discussing accessibility. BeyondBlue and other such organisations are freely available to anyone with an internet connection or a phone line. Rather than blaming the availability in remote areas, focus instead on the isolation that suicidal people feel, and how their own 'remoteness' may prevent them from ever seeking help --> which is (debatably) the fault of a media that glorifies/romanticises the act of suicide but condemns the victims.
But... If your teacher said there's issues with accessibility then go with that. Best to pander to assessors if ever in doubt

THANKS, Lauren. I will stick to your idea, it's more reasonable.

My speech worth 35 marks, I am worried about it...I might not do well