English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

JAMON THANKYOU AND YES OMG ESSAY C U R THE BEST

ive gone through and majorly refined (or at least tried to) alot of the points you made, of course its not that great and i only picked up on some of the points you made later on. but is this better - i still need to add a conclusion and linking sentences? and is this an accurate guide on how to fix/generally write a critical essay:

Sorry I didn't get time to give proper feedback for your refined essay beau, but it looks good! And your understanding of writing the essay seems rock solid to me, good work - I bet you'll smash the task tomorrow

[chloeannbarwick]

Hey Chloe! I know it's late, and you haven't quite met feedback requirements for this essay (you need 60 posts), but some super quick feedback because I know your task is tomorrow:

- Avoid use of personal pronouns (EG - don't say "my understanding")
- Ensure all of the quotes you provide have a technique linked to them - A textual reference without a quote is nowhere near as powerful/effective as it could be!
- Avoid retelling the plot and describing character emotions - Focus on analysis. You shouldn't be using character names excessively, that's a giveaway the approach isn't quite right.
- Love your concepts, I think those will do well and answer the question nicely

Sorry we couldn't give you more, just unlucky you caught us on a busy weekend - Good luck!

Thanks for the quick feedback Jamon! And sorry I hadn't reached the right amount of points! I have so much trouble keeping up with where I need to be! But once again, thanks!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks for the quick feedback Jamon! And sorry I hadn't reached the right amount of points! I have so much trouble keeping up with where I need to be! But once again, thanks!

That's okay, you know now, and always feel free to ask! hope the task went well

[Wales]

That's okay, you know now, and always feel free to ask! hope the task went well

A bit off topic but is there some way we're able to check how many essays we're allowed? It seems like a massive pain to keep track and change somebody EACH time an essay is marked. I recall you said you had a database?

Just curious

[jamonwindeyer]

A bit off topic but is there some way we're able to check how many essays we're allowed? It seems like a massive pain to keep track and change somebody EACH time an essay is marked. I recall you said you had a database?

Just curious

So the markers have a spreadsheet that we update, we track how many posts you have versus how many you need. Over the holidays I plan to automate it into a little program that fetches your posts automatically, but I said that last holidays too

You currently need 75 posts for your next one Wales

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello, this is my Mod B response to the question

Hey ProfLayton2000!! Sorry for the delay, but I've attached your response with comments in bold!! Just click the spoiler below

Spoiler

Hamlet is too much the student of justice to be an effective instrument of justice. Is this the impression you gain from the play? Examine the above statement by making close reference to Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

In critically studying William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (1603), it is not only Hamlet’s position as a student of justice which prevents him from being an effective instrument of it, the play constructs much deeper and more complex reasons behind Hamlet’s inaction. I'd prefer you to start with a broader statement about these complex reasons, and then progress into how this relates to Hamlet being an instrument of justice. Hamlet’s deep connection with the Renaissance humanist psyche gives him opportunities to contemplate actions before acting. The frustration developed in an endless dichotomy of verisimilitude and reality further prevents from serving justice. Little expression issue there? It is only once these reasons are dispelled Hamlet chooses take revenge and enact justice. Regardless of temporal context, Shakespeare preserves the textual integrity of Hamlet through his representation of these themes in Hamlet. This introduction is just a tad too focused on the character of Hamlet, rather than how Shakespeare manipulates the character. It is a subtle difference, but it is vital, because this feels just a little bit like retell right now.

Hamlet’s inaction of justice is explained by his Renaissance Humanist psyche, leading him to engage in thought against acting upon instinct, leading to a justified delay of justice. Again, slightly too "This is a description of the character." The idea is great, but it's not quite presented in the mot sophisticated way. Shakespeare’s choice in characterisation of Hamlet parallels the changing ideology in the transitional period from an Elizabeth to Jacobean era, as well as the overhaul in societal beliefs. Great contextual link - What beliefs were overhauled specifically? Hamlet’s engagement with his humanist values is seen in his evaluation of man through rhetorical questions, “What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in capabilities”, a reflection upon himself but also the value of human life”. His engagement with the Renaissance ways of thinking are presented by his choice of expressing emotions; in long soliloquys such as the well-known “To be or not to be” or “Alas poor Yorick” speeches. Careful - ALL techniques must be attributed to Shakespeare. Hamlet is nothing more than a puppet achieving what Shakespeare wants him to achieve. These values lead him to choose contemplation over action, the most notable example of this intrinsic behaviour is at Claudius’ most vulnerable moment, questioning if “Now might I do it pat, now he is a-praying…when he is fit and seasoned for his passage?...No.” Retelling the plot here. His self-reflection at a critical turning point in the play highlights Hamlet’s strong Renaissance methods of acting, considering the consequences of an action before acting. His scholarly nature is not only shown in his background as a university student, but also in his straining efforts to gain proof of the murder. The “The Mousetrap” play, as noted by Dir. David Berthold, “(the metatheatricality) is at the defining feature of the play”. Nice use of critic. Shakespeare’s decision to include this into Hamlet, as observed when comparing the play to the source material “Amleth”, was one with purpose, with the intention of showing Hamlet’s will to consolidate his theory with proof before taking drastic action and reinforces his Renaissance values. It is these values which a largely to reason for Hamlet’s delay of enforcing justice throughout the play. Fantastic concepts in this paragraph, but the analytical style isn't quite right and means this comes across more like a retell than a breakdown of Shakespeare's intentions in terms of justice.

Hamlet’s obsession in discerning appearances and reality creates an internal angst, further preventing the course of justice. The persistence of facades in the play reflect the normality of espionage in the Elizabethan court; spies ruthless in observing society for possible assassination plans on the Queen by the supporters of Queen Mary of Scots. Great contextual link, how would this be viewed by the audience of the time? His frustration with facades is known to the audience before the Ghost’s revelation, critiquing Gertrude for her use of the word “seems”; “Seems madam? Nay it is, I know not seems.” Retell. His fixation on the word reflects his hatred for facades, further indicated by his dark costuming and therefore lack of an appearance. What does this show the audience? Remember to always reflect broadly, we don't care a HEAP about the characters and what we learn about them, we care about themes more generally (this is especially true for characters besides Hamlet). This however is in no comparison to his strong catharsis upon learning of the murder, labelling Claudius a “villain, villain, smiling damned villain…that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”. His anger at false-appearances stems from an inability to even understand how they can come about, in a later soliloquy questioning how “Is it not monstrous that this player here but in a fiction…could force his soul to his own conceit”, conclusively showing not only Hamlet’s anger at the existence of false-seeming appearances, but proving his inability to comprehend their existence; it is this which leads to his frustration in discerning appearance against reality. VERY long sentence, be sure your ideas are divided into manageable chunks for the reader.  Hamlet cannot even begin to accept untruths in trivial matters, correcting Osric’s statement that “it is very hot”, replying “No believe me, ‘tis very cold”. Retell. This endless pursuit in attempting to distinguish the seeming-true from the truth, let alone the inability to comprehend the concept, creates a vexation within Hamlet and further delays any course of justice, and as Prof. Ronan McDonald explains, he is “trying out that unreliability of seems”. Again, I believe you have fantastic ideas, but you aren't quite exploring them in the most sophisticated way. You need to be looking at Shakespeare's choices, techniques used and their effect on the audience, not so much just exploring Hamlet's actions as a reflection on the character.

It is only once Hamlet quells his morale and frustration with false realities that he is able to take revenge and enact justice, albeit a delayed reaction. Retell. This is in contrast to Laertes, who acts rashly upon emotions to seek vengeance. Retell. Shakespeare’s examination of revenge is reminiscent of the Medieval Code of Revenge, as the dilution of such beliefs in the Renaissance period favoured thinking as opposed to the rash actions associated with revenge. This notion is presented through the juxtaposition in the vengeances of Laertes and Hamlet. Laertes, upon learning of his father’s death, releases a violent catharsis at Claudius, telling “To hell allegiance…Let come what comes, only I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father”. Retell - See how you are just retelling what happened in the play here? This is stark contrast to Hamlet’s actions upon learning of the murder, choosing to contemplate actions before acting as he does throughout the play. For Hamlet it is only once Laertes, at the climax of the play in both their final moments, tells him that “Thy mother’s poisoned…the king, the king’s to blame”, Hamlet is able to dispel his Renaissance humanist values and his frustration with verisimilitudes that he able to enact justice, fatally wounding Claudius twice. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded.

In conclusion, Shakespeare does not reason Hamlet’s ineffectiveness of justice due to a strong bond to justice, but proposes that Hamlet’s delayed action arises from a deep belief in Renaissance and Humanist values, as well as a frustration in being unable to discern appearance from reality. Ergo, it is only once Hamlet can quench these values he is able to enact revenge and thus bring justice upon Denmark. This line of reasoning remains understandable and relevant even now due to Shakespeare’s ability present these themes in relation to a human experience, strengthening the textual integrity of Hamlet.

I think my comments throughout pretty much cover my feedback - You have fantastic ideas, but the approach is a little wrong! You are in a pattern of retell - Here is what Hamlet did, and this is what it shows us about Hamlet. This works, but it isn't the sophisticated approach and often just goes back to telling me about what happened in Hamlet. It isn't analytical. Instead, try to examine Shakespeare's use of technique, how this represents Hamlet to the audience, and the effect this has on us. The question is a character focused question, but you still need to approach it analytically

Let me know if any of the comments are unclear! Happy to give a bit more explanation

[pikachu975]

Hi! Wrote this draft for mod C and I'm just looking for feedback on the essay, thanks! Haven't done conclusion

Spoiler

“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”

Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures.

The abolishment of any emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives.

Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system.  Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society.

Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing.

However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.

[beau77bro]

 

Sorry I didn't get time to give proper feedback for your refined essay beau, but it looks good! And your understanding of writing the essay seems rock solid to me, good work - I bet you'll smash the task tomorrow

not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao 

[Wales]

not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao 

Take it as a lesson and prepare better for it all next time Smash the trials!

[jamonwindeyer]

not quite ahhahaha it was the one question i didnt pick, and yea nah. tried to answer it weird;y but semi-insightfully, but it said through characters and i didnt explicitly talk about that i just talked about human qualities and enduing value and that lmao 

Bugger! Oh well, can't have em all - Wales is right, take it in your stride and just focus on smashing your Trial exams

[elysepopplewell]

thankyou soo much elyse, ive gone through and corrected a tonne of points you made, i think im gonna have to work on making that mint introduction of arguments, as well as integrating that long quote. i do agree now looking back it i was arguing a completely different point than i was saying so thankyou soo much. are my changes alright? wanna make sure ive adequately taken on your great advice.



also and this is quite problematic - i am notoriously bad at writing - not in terms of legibilty but simple flow and grammar and making sense - as evident by the lack of directed argument which you so kindly pointed out (THANKYOU sooo much genuinely) and i was wondering if you thought i would do ok by transferring this scaffold straight into an essay. if not (which is probably) what are things which i should aim to fix/change to ensure a solid essay?

THANKYOU SOO MUCH

Hey Beau, I'm really sorry - over the weekend I had no internet access. I'm glad Jamon could help with your other task, but I'll come back to this one because you haven't got feedback on the updated version yet! So, throwing it back to the original essay you've adjusted, here's some feedback

Spoiler

A.   In you view how does rossetti’s portrayal of the complex nature of gender relationships contribute to the enduring value of her poetry? – reference at least two poems


The enduring value of Rossetti’s poetry is largely derived from her assessment of inherent human qualities that can be problematic and affect human Personally, I don't like the way it sounds to have two uses of "human" in the same sentence. relationships. She emphasises the inequality of gender relationships based on social biases and prejudices that existed during the Victorian era. Through her thedepiction of these gender relationships Rossetti explores, Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality that remains an integral part in the issues of gender inequality; how so often in society the superficial value of women overshadows their true worth – both by societal standards as well as as individuals; and the emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love. Very long sentence - needs to be split up to be appreciated in each way By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti Rosetti* produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. Great ideas! You've got them really distinctly organised which is nice.

Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away with and the , as well as the moral equality she endorses.
Р  Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ remove the full stop in the quote and make the start of echoes all in lower case Echoes this implied equality.
Р  However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one) Needs work this bit - but based on your brackets I think you know.
Р  Contrasted by laura Laura* who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Р  This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice. Find a technique here - the rhetorical question seems like a good one to me.
Р  There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE IS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. These ideas explored by rossetti retain value in society because the discuss a perennial issue in gender inequality, as well as addressing hypocrisy which remains a timeless issue, inherent to the human condition. Nice! Love this ending.

Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the differences between shallow, primal, desires favouring sexuality I think this one is a bit much, there's just a lot of words in the one spot and I don't think that compounding them adds to much. and the true value of women.
She explores this as how men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions. Nice! Very clear.

-   OBJECTIFICATION – SAY IT  (note to self)
Р  This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ with the negative connotations that women are only valued for their sexuality.
Р  Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s Laura's* ‘golden curl’ the importance of which is emphasised when she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Find a technique here.
Р  In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Р  An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s Rossetti's* poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Р  There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. yess This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. I think this paragraph has a lot more direction now than it used to!

Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down (almost a pun) the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is neglected and misused in society.
Р  In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ I think the true antithetical statement is the last part, that is the most important or telling statement out of the entire quote. I think you could ignore the rest and just leave that. to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs.
Р  Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Р  The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.

Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant. Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues. Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.

This is even better than last time, like I said, I'm so surprised the scaffold approach has worked so well for you. To answer your question, Yes, I do think it's really important that you move this into an essay form and out of the scaffold in preparation for an exam. At the moment, everything flows because the ideas link, but it doesn't flow because the sentences don't flow. So you'd need to remove the scaffolding and read the work out loud to see how it flows. If you have more trouble, because you've identified the writing isn't your strong point, I can be more critical of the wording. But at the moment, I can't really comment on the way you segway between sentences simply because the scaffold prevents there being a need for that. So, I will definitely have a look at it if you'd like when it comes in essay form. Also, be careful to capitalise proper nouns - there's a few times where you haven't

Just to be clear - would you like your Module C essay marked again or would you not like to use your post count for that? Jamon gave feedback once but if you wanted feedback on the repost, just let me know! I don't want to mark if for you if you've already updated it so my feedback becomes irrelevant, then I would've wasted your post count. So let me know what you'd like

[elysepopplewell]

Hi! Wrote this draft for mod C and I'm just looking for feedback on the essay, thanks! Haven't done conclusion

Heya! Here's some feedback in the spoiler below for you, in bold font

Spoiler

“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”

Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures. Really interesting approach by talking about the individual as the composer - I'm excited to read more!

The abolishment of any (tautologous) emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This is emphasised in the repetition of both the number and the word "identical" This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives. Nice! Well rounded. Usually it feels like the paragraph is left hanging if there isn't a concluding sentence, but your analytical sentence has a concluding nature and it works really well.

Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone not sure what you mean by this? "colour scheme and tone" - tone of voice? tone of attitude? as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system.  Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Find a technique in this last part - even a metaphor might work - or iconography, or connotations...depending on how you want to spin it. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society. I think this paragraph fails to the attack the original essay question in the same brave way that the introduction has. It just doesn't attack the idea of political being an expression of the individual - but instead, political may strip the individual. If you want to make this point, that works as well, but it isn't clear this is your angle.

Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Your wording doesn't attack the question you've been given, although I know you are addressing it. I would adjust the wording of this statement here to include the word individual, or individuality, or whatever the variation may be, to show how it relates directly.
  Even to say, "between secular and religious perspectives maintain by individuals." Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing. Unless your teacher has said otherwise - it isn't necessary to identify the chapter of the book where the quote comes from

However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.

In terms of dealing with the question - I think you're doing it in a unique way which is great, it's working for you. But then when it comes to addressing the "representation" aspect of Module C: we can improve. No panic though - it's just a matter of weaving it into what you already have, as opposed to actually needing to re-write huge chunks. In Module C, representation needs to be at the forefront of your discussions. So, every decision an author has made, is about representing some kind of experience, emotion, idea, relationship, or so on. So for your essay, we need to look at the relationship between politics and individuals and how it is being represented. For the most part, you need to connect a technique with each example from the text, and THAT is the way the author has chosen to represent something. So, the zippers on the mouths are a representation of....the replacement of God with Ford is a representation of... Obviously you need to be a bit creative and can't just repeat "this represents" each time - but it does need to come to the surface in your essay more in order to reach the full marks this module offers

[1937jk]

Hey!! Not sure if this is still helpful, but I had a read of both your Thesis paragraphs! A few comments:

- I still think what you are trying to communicate in the opening sentence is a little unclear, but, I think your amplification is definitely stronger in the second version.
- The sentence where you talk about "the house metaphorically" is getting into the techniques used by Winton to communicate the idea - This is best saved for the body paragraphs.
- I think reconciliation needs to appear way earlier than right near the end there, to indicate a direct answer to the question. You bring it in when discussing the characters early on, but I think a broader statement on reconciliation would be beneficial.

Overall, I think the Thesis is still just a little bit vague - Definitely an improvement in your second version though!!

Thank you!!! I'll definitely take on your feedback, I appreciate the help so much!

[beau77bro]

Hey Beau, I'm really sorry - over the weekend I had no internet access. I'm glad Jamon could help with your other task, but I'll come back to this one because you haven't got feedback on the updated version yet! So, throwing it back to the original essay you've adjusted, here's some feedback

Spoiler

A.   In you view how does rossetti’s portrayal of the complex nature of gender relationships contribute to the enduring value of her poetry? – reference at least two poems


The enduring value of Rossetti’s poetry is largely derived from her assessment of inherent human qualities that can be problematic and affect human Personally, I don't like the way it sounds to have two uses of "human" in the same sentence. relationships. She emphasises the inequality of gender relationships based on social biases and prejudices that existed during the Victorian era. Through her thedepiction of these gender relationships Rossetti explores, Hypocrisy as an inherent human quality that remains an integral part in the issues of gender inequality; how so often in society the superficial value of women overshadows their true worth – both by societal standards as well as as individuals; and the emotional issues that correlate with the complex nature of love. Very long sentence - needs to be split up to be appreciated in each way By exploring timeless issues related to the human experience, rossetti Rosetti* produced texts that will remain relevant for years to come. Great ideas! You've got them really distinctly organised which is nice.

Throughout the texts rossetti raises the issue of how hypocritical standards in society contribute to the issues and injustices women face.
This is addressed primarily as the strict punishment women endure compared to the sins men get away with and the , as well as the moral equality she endorses.
Р  Throughout goblin market, the biblical allegory is represented in a purely female world to imply that the religious values held so highly should be applied equally to men and women. Lizzie’s jesus-esk sacrifice and message, ‘eat me, drink me, love me; laura, make much of me; for your sake I have braved the glen, and had to do with goblin merchant men.’ remove the full stop in the quote and make the start of echoes all in lower case Echoes this implied equality.
Р  However in practice the many-faced, demonic goblins who ‘scratch’d… kick’d and knock’d’ lizzie, in what was by all assumptions a sexual assault appear to be subject to no form of justice. (better quote – rape one) Needs work this bit - but based on your brackets I think you know.
Р  Contrasted by laura Laura* who is seen to suffer for her sins, ‘dwindling… knocking on death’s door’ with her ‘hair grow[ing] grey and thing,’ reflecting the way women were outcast by society based on their actions.
Р  This same sentiment is echoed in light love by the lone woman’s last lines ‘does god forget?’ emphasising the lack of societal justice for men’s infidelity and the inevitable divine justice. Find a technique here - the rhetorical question seems like a good one to me.
Р  There is also an innate IRONY IN THAT SHE IS LOYAL AND ‘NE’ER [HAD] ANOTHER LOVE’ YET SHE IS PUNISHED, WHILE THE CHEATING MAN GETS TO TAKE ANOTHER BRIDE, illustrating that she is punished purely based on societal prejudices rather than objective consideration of the situation.
The beliefs which society held at the time would condemn these actions, independent of gender or role, yet the reigning hypocrisy prevents true, equal, justice being carried out. These ideas explored by rossetti retain value in society because the discuss a perennial issue in gender inequality, as well as addressing hypocrisy which remains a timeless issue, inherent to the human condition. Nice! Love this ending.

Rossetti contrasts the emotional position of men and women, exploring the differences between shallow, primal, desires favouring sexuality I think this one is a bit much, there's just a lot of words in the one spot and I don't think that compounding them adds to much. and the true value of women.
She explores this as how men unfairly value women for purely physical and sexual qualities, rather than their defined societal roles as virtuous figures of the home and in the process ignore their true emotions. Nice! Very clear.

-   OBJECTIFICATION – SAY IT  (note to self)
Р  This is exemplified by the fact only ‘maids heard the goblin cry’ with the negative connotations that women are only valued for their sexuality.
Р  Shown similarly in the way the perceived currency for the fruit is the girls’ virginal purity, represented by laura’s Laura's* ‘golden curl’ the importance of which is emphasised when she sheds a ‘tear more rare than a pearl’. Find a technique here.
Р  In light love the man is seen to unashamedly pursue sexuality, despite his former love interest being described as loyal, having ‘ne’er another love’, and likened to the other woman, with the exception of implied ‘ripe-blooming’ virginity.
Р  An extended metaphor for females value is depicted by the way women who have lost their purity in rossetti’s Rossetti's* poems are compared to being dead, ‘knocking on deaths door… growing grey’ and ‘is death so sadder much than this’ to imply without their sexual purity, they are no longer valued by men.
Р  There is an inherent irony, that women are punished for being impure, when the apparent thing men desire the most is to make them impure. yess This irony is addressed in an artist studio by the contrast of the man’s ‘dreams’ of woman as a ‘queen’ and an ‘angel’ versus the vampiric imagery of the man ‘feed[ing] on her face’ implying that he only dreams of her as his victim.
Rossetti’s deep exploration of intrinsic human emotions, supersedes the applied contexts in which she explores it to provide a timeless insight into the human condition. I think this paragraph has a lot more direction now than it used to!

Furthermore, Rossetti addresses the intricate emotional issues that women face in domestic relationships.
She breaks down (almost a pun) the emotional conflicts that stem from the complex nature of love and it’s place and perception in society, questioning why love is neglected and misused in society.
Р  In after death Rossetti is seen to contrast celebrated standards of emotion in the antithetical statements ‘he did not touch the shroud, or raise the fold that hid my face, or take my hand in his… he did not love me living,’ I think the true antithetical statement is the last part, that is the most important or telling statement out of the entire quote. I think you could ignore the rest and just leave that. to represent how emotions should be shown in a relationship. She emphasises this by continuously reversing roles, showing the man as weeping in ‘in a deep silence’ and the heavy irony in the final lines ‘very sweet it is to know he is warm though I am cold,’ to criticise the way men do not share their true feelings and emotions by placing them in a, regrettable, position in which they have missed the opportunity for love that mirrors the way women aren’t given the opportunity to share theirs.
Р  Epitomised by the title, ‘light love’ reflecting the way in which men take love insincerely, leading on and taking advantage of other women, only to move on to ‘riper’ women and ‘trample [them] too’.
Р  The thematic issue of LEL, along with many of her other poems, is addressed by the repeated epigraph ‘whose heart was breaking for a little love’. This theme is further explored through the various contrasts between ‘winter’ and spring, and recurring ‘hiding’ images to represent the expectations of love and internal, lack of love.
The meaningful look into emotional complexities relating to love through intricate societal, emotional and moral relationships, helps rossetti explore deeper issues relating to the human experience.

Rossetti’s depiction of inherently human issues and their relevance to gender relationships, has facilitated the development of her greater textual meaning and integrity – producing texts that will undoubtedly remain relevant. Her insightful representation; of the hypocritical nature of relationship standards, of key emotional states in relationships, as well as the complexities of love which women face have contributed to her developed perception of key human issues. Thus it is clear that rossetti’s exploration of the human experience through complex gender relationships has contributed to her poetry’s enduring value.

This is even better than last time, like I said, I'm so surprised the scaffold approach has worked so well for you. To answer your question, Yes, I do think it's really important that you move this into an essay form and out of the scaffold in preparation for an exam. At the moment, everything flows because the ideas link, but it doesn't flow because the sentences don't flow. So you'd need to remove the scaffolding and read the work out loud to see how it flows. If you have more trouble, because you've identified the writing isn't your strong point, I can be more critical of the wording. But at the moment, I can't really comment on the way you segway between sentences simply because the scaffold prevents there being a need for that. So, I will definitely have a look at it if you'd like when it comes in essay form. Also, be careful to capitalise proper nouns - there's a few times where you haven't

Just to be clear - would you like your Module C essay marked again or would you not like to use your post count for that? Jamon gave feedback once but if you wanted feedback on the repost, just let me know! I don't want to mark if for you if you've already updated it so my feedback becomes irrelevant, then I would've wasted your post count. So let me know what you'd like

omg yes elyse i would love you to mark my essay C - it's mod B too and i think its the best one ive done. thanks soo much for all the help, and what is my post count btw?

[pikachu975]

Heya! Here's some feedback in the spoiler below for you, in bold font

Spoiler

“The political is inevitably an expression of the individual.”

Explore the tensions between the political and the personal as represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The political motivations represented by composers within a text embody their own expression, values, and contextual influences. Such is emphasised through Aldous Huxley’s 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, as he forebodes the consequences of the avarice of political leaders and their totalitarian control over an obsequious society. In comparison, Takuya Okada’s animated short film, CHILDREN, depicts the dehumanisation of students due to the enforced uniformity and stability due to the education system’s academic expectations. Ultimately, both composers represent the tension between personal and political through a meticulous construction of dystopias with dehumanised individuals due to control enforced by different political structures. Really interesting approach by talking about the individual as the composer - I'm excited to read more!

The abolishment of any (tautologous) emotion and individuality in a society through abuse of biological technology ultimately leads to the dehumanisation of individuals. This is foregrounded by Huxley’s dystopic representation of a society influenced by industrialisation in the 1900s, resulting in the abuse of genetic engineering to remove individuality and hence a removal of one’s humanity. The scientific jargon associated with the “Bokanovsky process” and “Podsnap’s technique” reveals the reliance on scientific knowledge in producing “millions of identical twins” (Ch 1). Furthermore, the process being used to produce “Ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines” (Ch 1) exemplifies the loss of humanity of society due to the uniformity and control exerted by the world controllers. This is emphasised in the repetition of both the number and the word "identical" This illustrates the tension between Huxley’s negative perspective of genetic engineering against the world controllers’ use of it for “Community, Identity, Stability” (Ch 1). In addition, Huxley predicted “the inevitable acceleration of American world domination” in response to industrialisation in the 1920s. This tension between America’s political agenda of rapid industrialisation and Huxley’s foreboding of the consequences of this, are represented by the uniformity in the dystopian World State and its subsequent removal of human experiences and emotion from an individual. The dehumanisation of an individual is reinforced by animalistic imagery, “those human maggots swarming round Linda’s bed of death” (Ch 16), allowing Huxley to belittle society’s status as humans to ‘maggots’ as they lack emotion as a result of conditioning of values and perspectives. Nice! Well rounded. Usually it feels like the paragraph is left hanging if there isn't a concluding sentence, but your analytical sentence has a concluding nature and it works really well.

Comparatively, Takuya Okada’s monotonous short film, CHILDREN, portrays the uniformity and lack of emotion reinforced by the education system and its harsh effects in stripping away human experiences of individuals. The animated short uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and tone not sure what you mean by this? "colour scheme and tone" - tone of voice? tone of attitude? as well as monotonous, sorrowful music. This, combined with the identical look of the students distinguished by numbers, represents the uniformity enforced on society due to the education system and thus, Okada criticises and debases the 21st century education system.  Okada highlights the uniformity imposed on students through the zippers locking students’ mouths and the unnatural clapping of the teachers, exemplifies the suppression of emotion from both teachers and students. Find a technique in this last part - even a metaphor might work - or iconography, or connotations...depending on how you want to spin it. Near the end of the short film, the dog and boy 4483 are hit by a train when running towards each other, whereby the train acts as a metaphor for society stopping the student’s attempt to express his emotion and gain his humanity back. The student appears dead initially until he laughs, which reveals the lack of human experiences of the student due to the uncertainty of how to act as well as being the first expression of emotion in the animation. Thus, an exploration of the tension between Okada’s representation of the modern education system and the reality of the system foregrounds that the uniformity instilled leads to a dehumanisation of students in society. I think this paragraph fails to the attack the original essay question in the same brave way that the introduction has. It just doesn't attack the idea of political being an expression of the individual - but instead, political may strip the individual. If you want to make this point, that works as well, but it isn't clear this is your angle.

Composers present the use of power in removing religious influence by replacing it with scientific knowledge and industrialisation, illuminating the tension between secular and religious perspectives. Your wording doesn't attack the question you've been given, although I know you are addressing it. I would adjust the wording of this statement here to include the word individual, or individuality, or whatever the variation may be, to show how it relates directly.
  Even to say, "between secular and religious perspectives maintain by individuals." Such is true as Huxley parodies the Christian religion through the replacement with the deity as Ford, illustrating the importance of the assembly line and manufacturing. The allusion of “Oh, Ford” (Ch 2) instead of God and the date being “A.F. 632” (Ch 1) rather than A.D, eliminates religious conflict and enforces stability through the addition of a man who existed rather than the mystery of a belief system. Furthermore, during the solidarity service, they “made the sign of the T” and satirically replaced the body and blood with “soma tablets” and a “cup of strawberry ice-cream soma” (Ch 5), illustrating the conflicting secular and religious perspectives in Brave New World and the importance of soma in society. In addition, the idea of Christian marriage - “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6) is subverted by Mustapha Mond, “what man has joined, nature is powerless to put asunder” (Ch 2). This, intertwined with Huxley’s other parodical subversions, reinforce the diminishing of religion in order to enforce stability and suggest the importance of manufacturing. Unless your teacher has said otherwise - it isn't necessary to identify the chapter of the book where the quote comes from

However, Okada presents a caricature of the modern era, and the hope of individuals to break free from uniformity instilled by the schools through the vehicle of the dog. The establishing shot with monochromatic colour and identical buildings portrays the forced constancy in a society controlled by education standards. The lack of colour in the far shot also reveals a loss of individuality as all the colours are the same tone. In addition, the sight of a dog by the student ‘4483’ acts as a vehicle of hope for individuals to escape a political system as the solid black colours contrasted with the distorted colour of individuals and society reveals that individuality is possible. This notion of hope is furthered by the breaking of the zipper and non-diegetic sound of glass breaking, illustrating the initial freedom gained by 4483 while the shattering of glass represents the collapse of the education system. Near the end, the dog and 4483 run towards each other but after being hit, the dog runs away. The attempt to form a relationship symbolises the student’s chasing of his hope to gain individuality while the dog running away illuminates the continuation of his ideals and the hope 4483 propagated through all of the students that uniformity can be escaped from. Thus, the dog is used as a vehicle for Okada to perpetuate hope that is present despite the loss of individuality instilled in students due to the education system.

In terms of dealing with the question - I think you're doing it in a unique way which is great, it's working for you. But then when it comes to addressing the "representation" aspect of Module C: we can improve. No panic though - it's just a matter of weaving it into what you already have, as opposed to actually needing to re-write huge chunks. In Module C, representation needs to be at the forefront of your discussions. So, every decision an author has made, is about representing some kind of experience, emotion, idea, relationship, or so on. So for your essay, we need to look at the relationship between politics and individuals and how it is being represented. For the most part, you need to connect a technique with each example from the text, and THAT is the way the author has chosen to represent something. So, the zippers on the mouths are a representation of....the replacement of God with Ford is a representation of... Obviously you need to be a bit creative and can't just repeat "this represents" each time - but it does need to come to the surface in your essay more in order to reach the full marks this module offers

Thanks for the feedback! So basically for mod C you need to make it obvious that they represent/symbolise/illustrate concepts?