Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

June 16, 2024, 01:41:45 pm

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 611591 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1230 on: August 28, 2017, 10:29:54 pm »
HI whoever is marking mine :)

This is just the intro and 1st paragraph to my speech that is based off "module b critical study" type of thing :)
the question or "statement" we must answer is "The significance of a text lies in its enduring power to move readers in different ways".
We were told to include all of these additional features in our poem :)
Textual Integrity
Critical Theory
Context
Perspective
Personal aspect (pronoun etc...)

I'm having trouble with making this sound more like a speech...It sounds a little too much like an essay at the moment

Hey Claudia! I've attached your speech with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
It is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Nice start! I'd like you to elaborate more - What makes them notable? This would be a good chance to bring in some other aspects of that criteria/list you were given. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art. I'd like you to be more specific with exactly what messages Harwood wants to convey on human emotion. Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language. Watch your sentence length in this introduction, and further, watch word choice - Speeches should be a little bit colloquial, aim for simpler expression in shorter chunks!

The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Interesting concept! I like it, though perhaps explore why this is something worth discussing, how does this move readers? Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Nice contextual reference and personal statement here - Suits the task well. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Fantastic audience reference here, really brilliant stuff. I'd love for you to explain exactly what this is accentuating, what message/idea is it supporting? The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. Forgive my unfamiliarity with the text - Is this a critic? If so, you'll want to set it up a little more clearly and make it stand out. It is easily lost in there. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. Careful, are we still really discussing the same topic we started with? Make sure you are staying on track as much as possible! We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what). I wouldn't add much to that sentence - Again, picture yourself up there saying this to your class. Don't overlead them, you need to speak TO] your audience. I'd simplify it - "Harwood's use of enjambement continues the personas stream of consciousness to..." - Does the same thing no? :) This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Good. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Don't retell the poem! Careful, the quality of your analysis is slipping towards the end here. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies. Ensure you have a proper conclusion to each section/paragraph of your speech!

I think this is an excellent start, conceptually really great and excellent analysis! Really, just work on saying things simpler and more quickly - The expression you are using right now is quite verbose, remember you are speaking to Year 12's and your teacher! You can keep it simple, it's more speech-y that way ;D

A guide from Elyse, I think it will help! ;D

Claudiaa

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 66
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1231 on: August 29, 2017, 07:36:03 pm »
Hey Claudia! I've attached your speech with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
It is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Nice start! I'd like you to elaborate more - What makes them notable? This would be a good chance to bring in some other aspects of that criteria/list you were given. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art. I'd like you to be more specific with exactly what messages Harwood wants to convey on human emotion. Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language. Watch your sentence length in this introduction, and further, watch word choice - Speeches should be a little bit colloquial, aim for simpler expression in shorter chunks!

The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Interesting concept! I like it, though perhaps explore why this is something worth discussing, how does this move readers? Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Nice contextual reference and personal statement here - Suits the task well. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Fantastic audience reference here, really brilliant stuff. I'd love for you to explain exactly what this is accentuating, what message/idea is it supporting? The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. Forgive my unfamiliarity with the text - Is this a critic? If so, you'll want to set it up a little more clearly and make it stand out. It is easily lost in there. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. Careful, are we still really discussing the same topic we started with? Make sure you are staying on track as much as possible! We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what). I wouldn't add much to that sentence - Again, picture yourself up there saying this to your class. Don't overlead them, you need to speak TO] your audience. I'd simplify it - "Harwood's use of enjambement continues the personas stream of consciousness to..." - Does the same thing no? :) This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Good. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Don't retell the poem! Careful, the quality of your analysis is slipping towards the end here. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies. Ensure you have a proper conclusion to each section/paragraph of your speech!

I think this is an excellent start, conceptually really great and excellent analysis! Really, just work on saying things simpler and more quickly - The expression you are using right now is quite verbose, remember you are speaking to Year 12's and your teacher! You can keep it simple, it's more speech-y that way ;D

A guide from Elyse, I think it will help! ;D

Thank You very much Jamon! I will take this into consideration, I do agree that taking a more simple approach will make it more speech-like so I will definitely focus on that. Thanks for the feedback once again :) I appreciate it

HSC 2018: English Advanced | Math Ext 1 | Studies of Religion I | Economics | Legal | Modern History

Lumenoria

  • MOTM: JUN 18
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 450
English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1232 on: September 04, 2017, 12:44:15 am »
Hey, this is my essay for Mod B. I haven't finished this, but if you could give me some guidance preferably by Tuesday evening, that would mean a lot!

'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?


It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value.

Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality.

Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity.

By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals.

While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.
« Last Edit: September 06, 2017, 08:44:50 am by Lumenoria »
HSC 2018 (ATAR 96.35) - English Advanced (96) | Mathematics General (87) | Legal Studies (94) | Economics (89) | Industrial Technology (94)

georgiia

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 191
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1233 on: September 08, 2017, 10:25:32 pm »
Could I please have feedback for this Mod B T.S. Eliot Essay?

THANK YOU!!  :)

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1234 on: September 09, 2017, 12:54:21 am »
Hey, this is my essay for Mod B. I haven't finished this, but if you could give me some guidance preferably by Tuesday evening, that would mean a lot!

Hey! Sure thing Lumenoria, here's your essay with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?


It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Nice introductory sentence! Flow nicely, raises some good ideas and clearly a Module B sentence. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Make sure you aren't being OVERLY verbose - Picking the long and big words isn't always as effective as stating something more simply. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value. Overall an extremely effective introduction, if not a tad too long (if you can handle it in the room, great!) Also be sure that you are really clearly and obviously answering the question - For you I think this will come from simplifying things a little and just trying to make your point in a way that is ever so slightly more simple. Even just including the phrase - Common human experiences doesn't appear anywhere in the response, which is weird because it is the question ;D

Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. Good introduction! Again though, I'd like you to include the key phrase of "common human experience" or something similar to it, to make it clear to the marker that you are responding to it. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Be careful - Although you are using quotes and techniques you aren't really analysing conceptually, you are exploring what we learn about the characters. This doesn't quite explore how the ideas you discussed earlier are communicate to the audience. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. The thing that makes it clear you are text focused is that you are suggesting "Paul's" newfound understanding, you are basing everything around the characters and events. You need to abstract from that and just say, "Hey, this is what the composer wants to do and this is how we do it. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. This is better, you are taking a character and using them to drive a broader idea. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. Try not to attribute perspectives to characters - When you are discussing perspectives and the techniques that shake them, it NEEDS to be the composer. Your composer should be mentioned far more than any character. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. Retell, this is just telling me something about the story. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality. A really interesting concept, but I think it needs to be linked to the question a bit more, and your analysis is slightly too text focused!

Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Another well stated concept. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Getting on the longer end of sentences here - Watch length. Short and punchy can be really effective. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” Retell, you are telling me about the characters and popping a technique at the end but not really telling me what is being communicated by the composer? This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. Try not to focus so much on the characters - Relying less on the characters will let you streamline your arguments to a simpler combo of "Technique, explain what it does, audience impact," and therefore get more done. The character experiences are irrelevant! This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. Retell - You are picking apart the characters! However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. Retell, you are listing the events of the story in order with some additional details. This isn't going to get you marks! The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. What does this show the responders? What do we learn? Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. Ensure all techniques have quotes! It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity. Try to make concluding sentences conceptually broad and non text specific, that way the idea can exist beyond the text itself, which is a better style to adopt!

By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. What does this show us about human experience more generally. Try and make those broader links regularly. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". Retell. This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Good, this is a better bit of analysis because it is focusing more on what the audience learns about themselves and something they relate to, not necessarily to a fictional character. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. What does this show about overcoming adversity more broadly? When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals. The conclusion featuring the characters but not the composer is the big piece of evidence that we are too text focused.

While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.


Conceptually this is a fantastic essay with excellent arguments and analysis in many places. However, the approach is a little too text focused - You are really focusing on characters, where you should try and abstract a little and talk instead about what the composer is doing to communicate with their responder. The composer definitely needs more mentions, especially in a Module B essay ;D

You should also work on simplifying expression a tad! Using the phrases from the question in your own responses to make it clear you are responding properly, shortening sentences to enhance clarity. Even with such brilliantly complex and well considered ideas, sometimes simplicity is bliss ;)

Overall, excellent work! Hopefully my comments can be helpful ;D

Lumenoria

  • MOTM: JUN 18
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 450
English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1235 on: September 09, 2017, 10:19:38 am »
Hey! Sure thing Lumenoria, here's your essay with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
'Quality literature presents the reader with a unique perspective on common human experiences.'
To what extent does the central character's unique perspective provide an insight into the thematic concerns of Maestro?


It is the extraordinary power of quality literature to transcend contextual boundaries through its uniquely rendered perspectives that attributes to a text's enduring appeal. Nice introductory sentence! Flow nicely, raises some good ideas and clearly a Module B sentence. Resonating with a nuanced masculine perspective regarding the personal frustration and tribulations that are archetypal to the development of an individual’s maturity, Peter Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the central character’s experiences at the precipice of an Australian childhood and adulthood during the late 1960s. Make sure you aren't being OVERLY verbose - Picking the long and big words isn't always as effective as stating something more simply. Critiquing the artistic temperament in relation to the pressures of materialism and technical perfection as an inconsequential source of growth, this bildungsroman promulgates introspection as the most valuable form of education through extolling its ability to enhance an individual’s morality. Influenced by a repressed sense of anxiety and distrust that characterised the post-World War II period, Goldsworthy presents the corrosive impact of trauma as a paradigm yet to be understood by contemporary society, presaging a deeper understanding within responders of the acute disillusionment and escapism that ensues in the wake of life’s adversities. Through ideological disparities, this lack of mutual understanding is illuminated within the dysfunctionality of relationships, in which Goldsworthy utilises as a medium to explore the dichotomies inherent in not only artistry, but reality. By offering unorthodox insights into quintessential experiences of the human condition, Goldsworthy’s exploration of such thematic concerns invites responders to grow with the central character, allowing it to retain its enduring value. Overall an extremely effective introduction, if not a tad too long (if you can handle it in the room, great!) Also be sure that you are really clearly and obviously answering the question - For you I think this will come from simplifying things a little and just trying to make your point in a way that is ever so slightly more simple. Even just including the phrase - Common human experiences doesn't appear anywhere in the response, which is weird because it is the question ;D

Goldsworthy’s ‘Maestro’ examines the complexities associated with the corrosive impact of trauma through emphasis on the disparities between its perception and reality, challenging responders with a confronting but authentic portrayal of this internal conflict. Good introduction! Again though, I'd like you to include the key phrase of "common human experience" or something similar to it, to make it clear to the marker that you are responding to it. After Keller’s misplaced faith in the Nazi regime ultimately resulted in the annihilation of his family, Paul’s complex and merciless relationship with Keller elevates the irrevocable damage that manifests in not only his physicality, but also his cynicism in humanity. Initially, Paul quickly condemns Keller with crude dismissals in the metaphorical reference "boozer with cheap ruined leather", failing to interpret his physicality in a mature and compassionate way – rather adopting a condescending tone in expressing concern for only himself. Be careful - Although you are using quotes and techniques you aren't really analysing conceptually, you are exploring what we learn about the characters. This doesn't quite explore how the ideas you discussed earlier are communicate to the audience. Though vicarious perceptions are not tantamount to first hand experiences of trauma, the diction of "tortured" in Paul’s later description of Keller as a "tortured, booze ruined face", suggests Paul's newfound understanding and respect for him after becoming cognisant of the gravity of his experiences, finally conceding that Keller possesses some aspect of humanity, as opposed to being just “cheap”. The thing that makes it clear you are text focused is that you are suggesting "Paul's" newfound understanding, you are basing everything around the characters and events. You need to abstract from that and just say, "Hey, this is what the composer wants to do and this is how we do it. This incongruity between Keller’s forged and authentic identity highlights the ease of trauma to be concealed with a mere façade, in spite of its internal severity on the individual. This is better, you are taking a character and using them to drive a broader idea. Furthermore, the satirical metaphor in Paul’s impression of the photographs garnered in Keller’s “textbooks” as a “bleak human landscape located somewhere between Tragedy and Dumb Stupidity” elucidates Keller’s perception of such frivolities as an extrapolation of all human society, illuminating that his acute displacement of preconceived notions is in fact a manifestation of trauma. Try not to attribute perspectives to characters - When you are discussing perspectives and the techniques that shake them, it NEEDS to be the composer. Your composer should be mentioned far more than any character. It is not until Keller approaches his death that ensues Paul’s introspective realisations of his appreciation for Keller’s detriments and presence in their entirety. Retell, this is just telling me something about the story. This is pertinent in the asyndeton and cumulation in detail as Paul describes his physical deterioration, "the incandescent redness had gone, the broken vessels seemed bleached, all colour had drained" in which he emphasises the profound loss he is about to endure, illuminating the extent to which he valued Keller's insight and experiences, albeit traumatic. In provoking introspective discoveries and crucial growth, it is through Paul's sentiments in relation to the corrosive impact of Keller’s trauma that allows responders to seek an authentic understanding of its perception and reality. A really interesting concept, but I think it needs to be linked to the question a bit more, and your analysis is slightly too text focused!

Goldsworthy’s depiction of relational dissonance is testament to the reverberation of the internal conflict that is prominent throughout an individual’s life in the wake of trauma. Another well stated concept. Utilising Paul as a lens, responders can sense that Keller’s inability to exhibit any semblance of functional love clearly emanates from the horrors engulfing his past, as portrayed in his dwelling on, “better a small hurt now then a wasted life” – the juxtaposition between the miniscule “hurt” and the grandiose nature of a “wasted life” emphasising the significant extent of his belief in this concept. Getting on the longer end of sentences here - Watch length. Short and punchy can be really effective. Keller’s perpetuation of this idea towards Paul largely attributes to the dysfunctionality of their relationship, which Paul epitomises in his metaphorical reference to Keller “revealing perfections to me, but at the same time snatching it away.” Retell, you are telling me about the characters and popping a technique at the end but not really telling me what is being communicated by the composer? This positions the responder with the vision that though Paul clearly will never develop the level of mastery necessary to succeed internationally as a pianist, Keller’s fatalistic attitude only exacerbates this inadequate potential, contradicting the conventional model of relationships. Try not to focus so much on the characters - Relying less on the characters will let you streamline your arguments to a simpler combo of "Technique, explain what it does, audience impact," and therefore get more done. The character experiences are irrelevant! This is further reflected in Paul’s dissatisfaction with Keller’s admonitions, described in the way in which he “crumpled the letter into a tight ball and tossed it into the bin”, highlighting Paul’s immature frustration about Keller’s unequivocally cynical stances on his musical abilities. Retell - You are picking apart the characters! However, the following morning, Paul’s introspective perusals are illustrated in the self-contemplative language as he “unpeeled the ball of paper carefully, like a mandarin, then read through to the end”, facilitating his bitter recognition of the fact that Keller’s comments were indeed correct. Retell, you are listing the events of the story in order with some additional details. This isn't going to get you marks! The diction of “carefully” and simile of “mandarin” symbolises their relationship to responders as one characterised by tough love, requiring circumspection and patience to achieve relational effectiveness in its entirety. What does this show the responders? What do we learn? Evidently, with Paul’s increasing erosion of complacency comes the feeling that he is “finally beginning to gain some sort of understanding of the man”, suggesting that his gradual identification of his moral shortcomings is parallel to the progression of their unconventional relationship. Ensure all techniques have quotes! It is Paul’s unique experience with Keller that allows the responder to develop a complex understanding of the capacity of relationship dissonance to exert moral growth and maturity. Try to make concluding sentences conceptually broad and non text specific, that way the idea can exist beyond the text itself, which is a better style to adopt!

By reaffirming conventional morality through providing a guilt-ridden transgression of it, Keller’s prevalent resort to alcoholism examines the necessity for escapism when individuals are confronted by extreme circumstances opposing the ideals of the human condition. Adopting an escapist mentality, Keller’s behaviour seen through Paul’s shifting perspective compel responders to perceive him through the entanglements of trauma rather than the simplicities of basic human response. What does this show us about human experience more generally. Try and make those broader links regularly. During Paul's migration to Darwin, he becomes overwhelmed by the deficiency of order within the Swan Hotel; it clearly juxtaposes that of Adelaide, hence the implication of physical excessiveness in the diction of "overgrown", "crumbling" and "spilling". Retell. This implication elicits a sense of claustrophobia, emphasising Paul's seclusion and unfamiliarity within such an environment – the negative connotation suggesting his contempt for its corruption. While the dominance of unrestrained alcoholism is a depiction of Darwin's socially unhealthy culture, the chaos inherent in the metaphorical reference of "noise spilling out of the front bar onto the garden" portrays the city as the epitome of youth and recklessness to responders. Good, this is a better bit of analysis because it is focusing more on what the audience learns about themselves and something they relate to, not necessarily to a fictional character. Thus, the fact that Keller–an elite symbol of musical excellence and wisdom–resides in such an oppressive environment emphasises the extremities he has extended himself to in order to maintain his sanity, illuminating to responders the way in which he utilises alcoholism as a means of escape. What does this show about overcoming adversity more broadly? When the cyclone hits Darwin, the symbolic imagery evoked through the use of anaphora and polysyndeton in his description of Keller’s survival “by sheltering beneath the supine, beneath his grand piano, his beloved Bosendorfer, wet and shivering and lacerated” represents the extent to which he relies on the piano as a source of sanctity to escape the reality of his emotions. Where once Keller was betrayed by his music-driven lifestyle, it also provides a means that, figuratively and literally, saved his life. Evidently, Paul’s unique observations of Keller’s predominant reliance on these entities as a means to diminish his guilt-driven conscience allows responders to consider the extent of the psychological ramifications that trauma imposes on individuals. The conclusion featuring the characters but not the composer is the big piece of evidence that we are too text focused.

While Paul equivocates between introspection and egotistical disregard, his vicarious exposure to unorthodox experiences of the human condition–the corrosive impacts of trauma, its ability to erode the functionality of relationships and the need for escapism–progressively become definitive parallels to his development into maturity. This uniquely rendered perspective compels responders to not only engage in this process of maturation, but also allows them to understand the underlying sense of distrust and anxieties that characterised the post-World War II period, thus rendering ‘Maestro’ as a text of enduring significance.


Conceptually this is a fantastic essay with excellent arguments and analysis in many places. However, the approach is a little too text focused - You are really focusing on characters, where you should try and abstract a little and talk instead about what the composer is doing to communicate with their responder. The composer definitely needs more mentions, especially in a Module B essay ;D

You should also work on simplifying expression a tad! Using the phrases from the question in your own responses to make it clear you are responding properly, shortening sentences to enhance clarity. Even with such brilliantly complex and well considered ideas, sometimes simplicity is bliss ;)

Overall, excellent work! Hopefully my comments can be helpful ;D

Omg thankyou so much, this is actually incredibly helpful, especially because my teacher hasn't returned my draft yet. The school's cutting people who receive under 85% in this essay out of Advanced for Year 12 and I really don't want to be dropped to Standard, so this really means a lot! :)

Also, I know it's not ideal to 'retell', but my teacher said it's important to place some context/background around the quotes so that it's not just in there randomly? She said it's better to link to the character and THEN the concept rather than just skipping immediately to the concept, so how would you suggest going about that without being too character/text focused?
« Last Edit: September 09, 2017, 10:45:55 am by Lumenoria »
HSC 2018 (ATAR 96.35) - English Advanced (96) | Mathematics General (87) | Legal Studies (94) | Economics (89) | Industrial Technology (94)

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1236 on: September 09, 2017, 02:01:08 pm »
Omg thankyou so much, this is actually incredibly helpful, especially because my teacher hasn't returned my draft yet. The school's cutting people who receive under 85% in this essay out of Advanced for Year 12 and I really don't want to be dropped to Standard, so this really means a lot! :)

Ohhh so this is Module B for Year 11? I gotcha - Make sure you don't let them drop you if you get anything even remotely close to 85%. You have a right to do the course you want to do provided you can keep up - I hate schools that mandate getting a Band 6 level mark in Year 11 to do the Year 12 course. Results driven nonsense :P

Quote
Also, I know it's not ideal to 'retell', but my teacher said it's important to place some context/background around the quotes so that it's not just in there randomly? She said it's better to link to the character and THEN the concept rather than just skipping immediately to the concept, so how would you suggest going about that without being too character/text focused?

Definitely important to contextualise - And you do have a character based question, so I totally get it. I suppose the big giveaway you are too text focused is that the composer isn't mentioned throughout. We are analysing a text for the perspective presented by the composer, so there needs to be a recognition of, "Okay, here's the character, they've been framed this way by the composer to present their perspective." Characters are just puppets that represent and communicate the ideas of the composer.

If you constantly think of characters as puppets it starts to make sense. Because although you talk about the puppet, you are really talking about how the ventriloquist manipulates the puppet, that is always behind everything. And it is the same here ;D

Lumenoria

  • MOTM: JUN 18
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 450
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1237 on: September 09, 2017, 03:35:46 pm »

Ohhh so this is Module B for Year 11? I gotcha - Make sure you don't let them drop you if you get anything even remotely close to 85%. You have a right to do the course you want to do provided you can keep up - I hate schools that mandate getting a Band 6 level mark in Year 11 to do the Year 12 course. Results driven nonsense :P

Definitely important to contextualise - And you do have a character based question, so I totally get it. I suppose the big giveaway you are too text focused is that the composer isn't mentioned throughout. We are analysing a text for the perspective presented by the composer, so there needs to be a recognition of, "Okay, here's the character, they've been framed this way by the composer to present their perspective." Characters are just puppets that represent and communicate the ideas of the composer.

If you constantly think of characters as puppets it starts to make sense. Because although you talk about the puppet, you are really talking about how the ventriloquist manipulates the puppet, that is always behind everything. And it is the same here ;D

Hahahhaha I know hey. Basically, only the top 40 out of the current 70 will be allowed to proceed to Advanced next year—the head said that if you get below 85 and you're still in the top 40 (which will probably be me), you have to 'appeal' to her about your ability to stay in Advanced hahahahaha, it's actually ridiculous. I will actually be really annoyed if I have to drop because I also do English Ext, so I'd have to drop that too :( Though I'm ranking within the top 3 in that, so hopefully that will help increase my chances of staying heheh.

Ahhh I see, that helps a lot. Thanks! :)
HSC 2018 (ATAR 96.35) - English Advanced (96) | Mathematics General (87) | Legal Studies (94) | Economics (89) | Industrial Technology (94)

katnisschung

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 199
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1238 on: September 10, 2017, 02:50:56 pm »
can somebody please clarify Eliot's intentions of using stream of consciousness, my teacher pointed out that my analysis was incorrect....she wanted me to go deeper into the fact that the technique is a representation of Prufrock's disorientated state, who an archetype of modern man represents the disorientated state of society as a whole etc... any tips on this plus other stuff in the essay would be much appreciated. Also I'm aware that I didn't include concluding sentences in a few paragraphs because I got lazy. Also she was not happy with my thesis saying it was too specific?? IT WAS LITERALLY THE MOST BROAD THESIS THAT COULD ENCOMPASS ANYTHING ??? also need help cutting out around 200 words plus inserting personal opinions... apparently i need to do this explicitly... i thought the analysis of the poetry itself was my interpretation of it.. yeah i received 15/20 and I need to push this into the a range. THANKS!
get me out of here

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1239 on: September 11, 2017, 11:47:19 pm »
Could I please have feedback for this Mod B T.S. Eliot Essay?

THANK YOU!!  :)

Sure thing!

Spoiler
How does Eliot use fragmentation to portray alienation in his poetry?
In your response, make detailed reference to The Hollow Men and at least ONE other poem set for study.


T.S. Eliot’s poetry scrutinises the perpetual tension between tradition and modernity in order to highlight the complete ineptitude of man to find meaning in contemporary civilisation. Interesting concept! I like it, though you could expand on it a bit more, explain it a tad more. In ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) T.S Eliot explores the changing value of religion, humanity’s emotional and moral decay, and the futility of life. Eliot powerfully utilises fragmentation both in subject and in form to portray a dehumanised society pervaded by a sense of alienation. Excellent link to the question here. My response to Eliot’s poetry holds that in exploring the theme of increasingly isolated relationships and disconnect amidst humanity, Eliot not only confronts philosophical and existential questions which permeate contextual barriers, but his effective use of fragmentation enables his poetry to resonate with the modern listener such as myself. Use of first person in Module B is contentious - I'm personally against it. You can get your view across without use of personal pronouns. However, fantastic introduction!!

The value of religious tradition was challenged and reassessed throughout the modernist movement. Eliot expresses his concern that modernity is to blame for society loss of Judeo-Christian values. Good concept, good link to the text and context - A stronger link to the question is perhaps all I'd suggest here. Eliot inserts fragments of the Lord’s Prayer into the fourth and final section of ‘The Hollow Men’. Why? What does it achieve? “For Thine Is the Kingdom” is used as a refrain to suggest the failed attempt of individuals to find order and meaning within the fractured postwar culture. What technique is this specifically? The incomplete excerpts also suggest that modern society has only broken fragments of Judeo-Christian traditions and values. Good concept, but there's no techniques (meaning no analysis) to back it up. In ‘Journey of the Magi’ Eliot describes “an alien people clutching their Gods”. This imagery suggests that the ‘Gods’ are physical items which can be held on to. Try to put your quotes in the same sentence as the technique - It will improve your flow! Eliot believes that the modern world is so far removed from religion traditions that the sacred ritual of worship has been cleansed down to the holding of an object. The people in Eliot’s society have been described as ‘alien’. Techniques? How is this relevant to your key idea of fragmentation? With his conservative Christian values, Eliot is isolated from this society thereby perceiving its inhabitants as ‘alien’. With powerful biblical imagery, “three trees on the low sky”, Eliot alludes to the three calvary crosses. Better use of techniques, but what is the significance of this allusion? This anachronistic image is ambiguous in its symbolism. Is Eliot referencing the crucifixion of christ for the salvation of humanity? Or is he referring to the journey of the three wise men to witness the birth of christ? Careful - This is an essay. Not the place for rhetorical questions, keep the tone academic. My response to Eliot’s ambiguity is that he succeeds in composing poetry which resonates amongst modern audiences, as both interpretations entail universal images with transcend the context of the time. A conceptually strong paragraph but the analysis can't quite keep up - Needs more techniques and more explanation of their impact on the audience!

Eliot’s poetry is deeply characterised by a sustained concern for the emotional decay of humanity. Slight wording issue at the start there, "deep characterisation" doesn't quite click. He believed the tensions brought out by the rise of modernity were the cause of this decay. ‘The Hollow Men’ explores this concern through fragmented images of barren physical landscapes. The simile “whispers…quiet and meaningless / As wind in dry grass” uses visual and auditory imagery to suggest that the voices, like the grass, are “dried”. Try to link the techniques to a grander concept, not just to a minor detail about the text. That which is dry lacks nourishment and moisture and is consequently seen as barren or dead. Try not to give explanations like these their own sentence, it interrupts the flow of analysing Eliot's work. Thus, Eliot suggests that the hollow men live a meaningless life and that their voices, in being dry, scarcely speak for themselves. By comparing the voices of 20th century society to a desolate grassland, Eliot represents a society of emotionally apathetic hollow men who are unable to compose sentences with substance and participate in authentic human communication. How is this comparison achieved? Eliot plays on sound by employing a fragmented use of the word ‘eye’. “The eyes are not here” suggests decaying humanities’ inability to see or perceive, thereby resulting in emotional isolation. Technique? “There are no eyes here” ambiguously reads as ‘I’s’ which suggests that in a society caught in the tensions of modernity, there is no concept of the individual. Technique? People only exist in the collective. Thus Eliot conveys the decay of a humanity which alienates the concept of ‘individual’. Another conceptually strong paragraph, but the techniques aren't there to support it.

The emotional decay of humanity is not only explored through subject in Eliot’s poetry, he extends his portrayal of the alienating experience of Man by means of fragmented structure. What is the effect of the fragmented structure on the audience? The opening stanzas, long and digress, represent Prufrock’s indecisive, dithering personality. Don't analyse characters - They are puppets, they need to be linked to grander ideas of alienation! The motivic allusion to Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet’ suggesting Prufrock’s indecision first appears with the “overwhelming question…” introduced in the first stanza. Beyond telling us something new about Prufrock, what does this allusion achieve? The ellipsis provides a lingering pause and a moment of suspended hesitation for the reader before the question ceases to be revealed. To what effect? What's our response? The poem’s free verse is fragmented by an insertion of iambic pentameter in the line “No! I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Why? In the inter-textual reference to Hamlet’s line - “To be or not to be, that is the question”, Eliot, rather than having an unstressed feminine ending in “question”, ends with a stressed syllable - “be”. Prufrock again avoids the ‘question’. We are retelling the story and the actions of a character - Your marker knows all of thsis already! His avoidance reflects not only Prufrock’s own indecision and  lack of certainty, but by extension the entirety of modern humanity. In fragmenting his poem with intertextual references, Eliot highlights Prufrock’s decaying humanity to the extent of his inability to claim originality over his own thoughts. The decay of humanity in leading to a pervasive sense of alienation and lack of purpose is an idea which permeates through contextual barriers, holding truth still today in 21st century society.

Eliot blamed modernity for the alienation of individuals within society. ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ demonstrates fragmentation in both mode and matter to explore the loss of social and emotional authenticity. Good summary of concepts.Eliot's poetry resonates with my own experience of living in the twenty first century where digital communication hinders the sincerity of conversations. We have become out of touch with our emotions and our sense of identity to the point where we live our lives in a constant state of sedation. This can be compared to Prufrock’s etherised patient and the straw-stuffed heads. The relatable aspect of isolation ensures the continuing value of Eliot's poetry into the twenty-first century. I like the recognition of the modern context, but again, I wouldn't do it in first person.

A conceptually strong essay Georgia, fantastic ideas in here! It's just the analysis that needs work - Make sure you've always got all of these things for every quote:

Technique used by the composer
Effect this technique is intended to have
Audience Response to this technique

All appeared in your essay, but it's about doing all of them, all the time! ;D I hope my comments are useful :)

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1240 on: September 13, 2017, 12:58:36 pm »
can somebody please clarify Eliot's intentions of using stream of consciousness, my teacher pointed out that my analysis was incorrect....she wanted me to go deeper into the fact that the technique is a representation of Prufrock's disorientated state, who an archetype of modern man represents the disorientated state of society as a whole etc... any tips on this plus other stuff in the essay would be much appreciated. Also I'm aware that I didn't include concluding sentences in a few paragraphs because I got lazy. Also she was not happy with my thesis saying it was too specific?? IT WAS LITERALLY THE MOST BROAD THESIS THAT COULD ENCOMPASS ANYTHING ??? also need help cutting out around 200 words plus inserting personal opinions... apparently i need to do this explicitly... i thought the analysis of the poetry itself was my interpretation of it.. yeah i received 15/20 and I need to push this into the a range. THANKS!
Spoiler
The ideas & techniques of the poetry of TS Eliot reflect the perspective of the Modernists.
Examine this statement for at least 2 poems
Include your personal reflections on the poems.

Eliot’s poetry is modernist as it is a reaction against the modern era. Not sure about this opening sentence, although it is essentially a definition of what makes a text a modernist piece which isn't irrelevant, you're not identifying yourself as anything spectacular at this point just because it's not grabbing of the marker. I think this is what your teacher means - it's broad as you say, because it doesn't really talk about something really unique, but it's specific like your teacher says, because it's essentially a definition. The need to realistically portray the disillusioned state of man and society as resulting from the breakdown of traditional structures is a central belief of the modernists. Eliot elucidates this through employing radical techniques to convey the attitudes of this modernist era: life as futile and a loss of hope for the betterment of the world. These ideas are evident in his poems, Just me being picky, but I think we can take a step beyond "evident" to, "particularly evident" or "notably poignant" or something along these lines - the ideas don't just exist here, this is where they will be BEST shown. “The lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock”, and “Rhapsody on a Windy Night”. Eliot attributes these pessimistic attitudes to the detachment between people, their world and sense of self due to conformity modern society demands. I've grown to like the introduction more than I did at the beginning. It's a different style to what we typically see in Module B poems because people are more likely inclined to take a lower modality in order to meet the demands of the "personal reflections" but I think you've done it well overall.
Eliot portrays modern man's futility of life for modern man Two "modern man" here and I'm a little confused? Might just need to rephrase this to get the most bang for your buck :) as caused by a confusion of his purpose, due to the lack of a clear identity. This has led to the pursuit of a superficial identity as a means to find direction in their lives. In line with modernist thought, this pursuit is conveyed as merely a means of distraction from man’s disillusioned state, attributed to the breakdown of faith in government and religion, entities which once shaped values and beliefs. Eliot employs the modernist technique, stream of consciousnesscomma again which captures Prufrock’s disorientated mental state; an archetypal depiction of modern man. Repetition of the rhetorical question, “how should I presume?” is indicative of man’s failure to find his purpose in an uncertain world, the lack of answers indicating his inability to take action. Howarth supports Eliot’s use of such technique, as it does not “just report feeling” but “extend feeling and creat[es] a shape to convey it.” In Prufrock, Eliot constructs a persona, thus effectively exemplifying his personal struggles in realising his purposelessness rather than filtered through the narration of an observer. Use of the first person “I”, adds greater validity to the sentiments portrayed. Further, the exclamatory, “It is impossible to say just what I mean!” elucidates the irony of man’s pursuit of a superficial identity, as a means to finding purpose,  as he is prevented from forming his own meaning. Eliot crafts a defeated tone in “that is not what I meant at all,” to indicate man has lost sight of his objective in finding purpose through forming a clear identity. Thus Eliot elucidates the Modernist perspective of the disillusionment of man due to the loss of faith in traditional beliefs through stream of consciousness. He attributes this to be the cause of man’s lack of purpose. This paragraph is very on topic - it addresses the question quite well. I will say, about this question, is that in some ways it's very kind. You essentially need to prove in your essay that the text is in fact from the period and genre it is actually from, and how it's construction confirms this. So it is very kind, but the trap that a lot of students will fall into with this kind of question is not bringing original and pertinent angles, and instead just agreeing and moving on. But you've brought in the notion of identity and confusion which is great, because even though the question is broad, you're tying it back down to reality. I think it's great. You've very judiciously chosen examples from the text for this paragraph. I have no doubt your grasp on the texts is strong.
Through Rhapsody, Eliot constructs the notion of the futility of life for modern man as he is stripped of his individuality; demeaned merely to economic means as seen through man’s mechanical routine. As a way of extending this essay - I wonder if you could link the previous points about confusionn of identity, to the experience of being stripped of identity? It might be a nice link between the paragraphs. Eliot attributes this to the effect of industrialisation, devaluing the worth of humanity and forming an irreparable, dysfunctional society, reflecting the modernist perspective for the need of greater psychological realism. The oppressive nature of modern man’s routine, dictated by habits and an absence of thought before action is established by Eliot through aural imagery.  An ominous, unstoppable rhythm is established through “beats like a fatalistic drum”, forcing the responder to follow it mechanically to draw parallels to modern man’s routine. Such ideas are furthered by the metaphorical, “broken spring”, portraysing* humanity as simply a cog within a greater machine. Its “read[iness] to snap”, is symbolic of the communal worthlessness. Eliot also conveys that humanity will remain in an inescapable realm of self-worthlessness, as actions continue to be mechanical into the future. A “child’s hand” is crafted by Eliot to be symbolic of machinery, highlighted through the use of the adjective “automatic”. This presents a Modernist subversion of traditional Romantic symbolism of children as pure;, rather they are forsaken which ultimately presents the view of future generations who remain directionless and without the support of belief systems . Throughout Rhapsody, Eliot draws support to Freud’s proposal that humans are not so rational, rather their conduct and control is at the mercy of “forces lying buried deep within the unconscious”.  Thus Eliot identifies industrialisation as the cause of modern man’s mechanical routine that suppresses emotions, in turn degrading humanity as a whole. Again, another judiciously supported paragraph. What does stand out for me is that the question asks for your personal reflection. typically Module B questions are calling on your personal response, but this is reflection. Maybe it's only small in the wording but the criteria would be really good to evaluate here to see how much of this personal reflection you should be bringing in. Typically students do quite well at expressing their personal response simply by taking an angle and supporting it, in Module B, but this wording is different to what we usually see. Is this a practice response to a criteria you have access to? Because it might be worthwhile taking a look at how that all fits in.
Through Prufrock Eliot presents the responder with the disconcerting prospect of the total loss of hope for the betterment of the modern world. The composer attributes this to the modernist belief of industrialisation as the cause of disillusionment, as humanity struggles with a dilemma of their own construction.  Prufrock is symbolic of the fragmented “soul” lacking a capacity to hope. Eliot enables an insight into modern man’s disparaging mindset through the lens of Prufrock by use of internal monologue, constructing vivid visual imagery through Prufrock’s perspective. Marine imagery established in “till human voices wake us & we drown,” conveys the vastness of the world and belittles the individual, whilst the inclusive “we” attributes humanity as perpetuating this meaninglessness. Such ideas are extended through the objective correlative of the “yellow fog”; evoking imagery of the seedy industrialised city that has entrapped man in this state. The extent of its pervading presence is conveyed through personification, “lick[ing] its’ tongue into the corners of the evening”. This evoked a sordid image of a city devoid of hope elucidating the discomfort humanity faces is This doesn't quite make sense, this sentence. Try read it out loud. When we get to the "is" it doesn't make grammatical sense anymore, because the "is" has to come after a noun that is constructed by modern man, and we aren't sure if that is the discomfort, the image, or the city. constructed by modern man himself and is thus inescapable. Eliot elucidates such a vision of the world, as perceived by modern man, to show he himself is responsible for the total loss of hope for betterment in a world humanity has constructed. The repetitive rhetorical questioning of “would it have been worth it,” indicates that this mindset has left modern man to constantly doubt the value of anything. Thus Eliot portrays this meaninglessness to be perpetuated by man himself due to his disillusioned state, caused by the industrialist environment that leaves no room for the individual.
Rhapsody communicates the modernist perception is of a pessimistic society in decay. Eliot attributes a sense of decay to the lack of hope individuals have for the possibility of positive change, as they have lost their meaning in the world. Through a cinematic like technique, vivid visual images of the past are produced, symbolic of the state of man’s memory.  These disturbing images of the past draw upon Bergson’s idea that the “soul” was “formed by a memory of images”, with the implication that humanity is as broken and irreparable as their memories, and will continue to be so in the future Eliot crafts “memory”, to “throw up”, “a twisted branch” where the motif of “twisted objects” demonstrates the distorted world of the past resurfacing; a reminder to the individual that the present remains unchanged and the world is stagnant.  Within Rhapsody, the “geraniums” symbolise the persona’s memory, characterised as “sunless and dry” to evoke imagery of a desolate world where there is an incapacity for growth and change. Furthermore, kinaesthesia established through a “madman” who “shakes a dead geranium”, evokes sensory imagery of the possibility of life emerging from a world full of individuals who are lifeless as a thought drawn from insanity. Thus, any possibility for the betterment of the world is undercut with the notion of lifeless people broken by a past which continually resurfaces to adversely disturb their perception of the future. This has echoes of Woringer’s perspective of the modern world, in which the “individual remains colonised by the experiences gathered by the world outside.” Nice inclusion! Eliot's use of the adjective describing it to be full of “despondency and despair,” eliminates any possibility of hope for change. Thus through a series of images, Eliot constructs a picture of a society beyond repair, in which individuals remain without significance, diminishing hope for change.
Thus through exploring the concerns of the futility of life and loss of hope for betterment, Eliot ascribes them to emerge as a result of the breakdown of traditional values and beliefs. The need for this realisation by society is believed as imperative by Modernists. It was thought to be best achieved through the employment of radical techniques to cause the responder to reconsider their perspectives of the modern era.

Some of the greatest things about your essay:
-The way you're embedding aspects of the text super seamlessly in the analysis. Excellent work! Love that.
-Judiciously choosing aspects of the work to focus on, and aspects to link. Really a strong point in your work I think!
-The way you've breathed direction into a very broad question.

Some things I suggest we work on:
-There is a tendency to refer to "man himself" which I understand is the terminology often used when discussing modernist work, but it features very prominently in your essay and I think we could use this is a focal point to extend the essay. By this I mean, we could look at the "personal reflection" here a bit more and engage scholars in a cohesive way. The "man himself" term is about internalising man as the central aspect of discourse in modernism. You'll notice that "man himself" has a different connotation to "man" - it places greater significance on the "man". Notice the gendered language here as well - consistently discussing man, as opposed to human, person, or woman. You have a few options here, you could take on a feminist reading of the texts and discuss the place of "man" as not being an embodiment of society, but of a patriarchal society. You could take on the fact of what it is to be oneself, (cue Descartes). Because this is a central feature of your language in the essay: "man himself." I hope this makes sense to you because I'm actually having a hard time explaining what I mean to you. The focus on "man himself" is not accidental - it's about man having a centralised control over the societal discourse surrounding. Take an angle about this as your personal reflection - was man wrong to centralise himself in the discourse, because he is actually a product of society, not society a product of him? I don't recommend that every essay take this kind of approach, but yours appears to go in that direction and it's cohesive with your teacher's feedback that this is how you explore this. What do you think? :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

georgiia

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 191
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1241 on: September 13, 2017, 01:13:48 pm »
Sure thing!

Spoiler
How does Eliot use fragmentation to portray alienation in his poetry?
In your response, make detailed reference to The Hollow Men and at least ONE other poem set for study.


T.S. Eliot’s poetry scrutinises the perpetual tension between tradition and modernity in order to highlight the complete ineptitude of man to find meaning in contemporary civilisation. Interesting concept! I like it, though you could expand on it a bit more, explain it a tad more. In ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (1915) and ‘The Hollow Men’ (1925) T.S Eliot explores the changing value of religion, humanity’s emotional and moral decay, and the futility of life. Eliot powerfully utilises fragmentation both in subject and in form to portray a dehumanised society pervaded by a sense of alienation. Excellent link to the question here. My response to Eliot’s poetry holds that in exploring the theme of increasingly isolated relationships and disconnect amidst humanity, Eliot not only confronts philosophical and existential questions which permeate contextual barriers, but his effective use of fragmentation enables his poetry to resonate with the modern listener such as myself. Use of first person in Module B is contentious - I'm personally against it. You can get your view across without use of personal pronouns. However, fantastic introduction!!

The value of religious tradition was challenged and reassessed throughout the modernist movement. Eliot expresses his concern that modernity is to blame for society loss of Judeo-Christian values. Good concept, good link to the text and context - A stronger link to the question is perhaps all I'd suggest here. Eliot inserts fragments of the Lord’s Prayer into the fourth and final section of ‘The Hollow Men’. Why? What does it achieve? “For Thine Is the Kingdom” is used as a refrain to suggest the failed attempt of individuals to find order and meaning within the fractured postwar culture. What technique is this specifically? The incomplete excerpts also suggest that modern society has only broken fragments of Judeo-Christian traditions and values. Good concept, but there's no techniques (meaning no analysis) to back it up. In ‘Journey of the Magi’ Eliot describes “an alien people clutching their Gods”. This imagery suggests that the ‘Gods’ are physical items which can be held on to. Try to put your quotes in the same sentence as the technique - It will improve your flow! Eliot believes that the modern world is so far removed from religion traditions that the sacred ritual of worship has been cleansed down to the holding of an object. The people in Eliot’s society have been described as ‘alien’. Techniques? How is this relevant to your key idea of fragmentation? With his conservative Christian values, Eliot is isolated from this society thereby perceiving its inhabitants as ‘alien’. With powerful biblical imagery, “three trees on the low sky”, Eliot alludes to the three calvary crosses. Better use of techniques, but what is the significance of this allusion? This anachronistic image is ambiguous in its symbolism. Is Eliot referencing the crucifixion of christ for the salvation of humanity? Or is he referring to the journey of the three wise men to witness the birth of christ? Careful - This is an essay. Not the place for rhetorical questions, keep the tone academic. My response to Eliot’s ambiguity is that he succeeds in composing poetry which resonates amongst modern audiences, as both interpretations entail universal images with transcend the context of the time. A conceptually strong paragraph but the analysis can't quite keep up - Needs more techniques and more explanation of their impact on the audience!

Eliot’s poetry is deeply characterised by a sustained concern for the emotional decay of humanity. Slight wording issue at the start there, "deep characterisation" doesn't quite click. He believed the tensions brought out by the rise of modernity were the cause of this decay. ‘The Hollow Men’ explores this concern through fragmented images of barren physical landscapes. The simile “whispers…quiet and meaningless / As wind in dry grass” uses visual and auditory imagery to suggest that the voices, like the grass, are “dried”. Try to link the techniques to a grander concept, not just to a minor detail about the text. That which is dry lacks nourishment and moisture and is consequently seen as barren or dead. Try not to give explanations like these their own sentence, it interrupts the flow of analysing Eliot's work. Thus, Eliot suggests that the hollow men live a meaningless life and that their voices, in being dry, scarcely speak for themselves. By comparing the voices of 20th century society to a desolate grassland, Eliot represents a society of emotionally apathetic hollow men who are unable to compose sentences with substance and participate in authentic human communication. How is this comparison achieved? Eliot plays on sound by employing a fragmented use of the word ‘eye’. “The eyes are not here” suggests decaying humanities’ inability to see or perceive, thereby resulting in emotional isolation. Technique? “There are no eyes here” ambiguously reads as ‘I’s’ which suggests that in a society caught in the tensions of modernity, there is no concept of the individual. Technique? People only exist in the collective. Thus Eliot conveys the decay of a humanity which alienates the concept of ‘individual’. Another conceptually strong paragraph, but the techniques aren't there to support it.

The emotional decay of humanity is not only explored through subject in Eliot’s poetry, he extends his portrayal of the alienating experience of Man by means of fragmented structure. What is the effect of the fragmented structure on the audience? The opening stanzas, long and digress, represent Prufrock’s indecisive, dithering personality. Don't analyse characters - They are puppets, they need to be linked to grander ideas of alienation! The motivic allusion to Shakespeare's ‘Hamlet’ suggesting Prufrock’s indecision first appears with the “overwhelming question…” introduced in the first stanza. Beyond telling us something new about Prufrock, what does this allusion achieve? The ellipsis provides a lingering pause and a moment of suspended hesitation for the reader before the question ceases to be revealed. To what effect? What's our response? The poem’s free verse is fragmented by an insertion of iambic pentameter in the line “No! I am not prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. Why? In the inter-textual reference to Hamlet’s line - “To be or not to be, that is the question”, Eliot, rather than having an unstressed feminine ending in “question”, ends with a stressed syllable - “be”. Prufrock again avoids the ‘question’. We are retelling the story and the actions of a character - Your marker knows all of thsis already! His avoidance reflects not only Prufrock’s own indecision and  lack of certainty, but by extension the entirety of modern humanity. In fragmenting his poem with intertextual references, Eliot highlights Prufrock’s decaying humanity to the extent of his inability to claim originality over his own thoughts. The decay of humanity in leading to a pervasive sense of alienation and lack of purpose is an idea which permeates through contextual barriers, holding truth still today in 21st century society.

Eliot blamed modernity for the alienation of individuals within society. ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ and ‘The Hollow Men’ demonstrates fragmentation in both mode and matter to explore the loss of social and emotional authenticity. Good summary of concepts.Eliot's poetry resonates with my own experience of living in the twenty first century where digital communication hinders the sincerity of conversations. We have become out of touch with our emotions and our sense of identity to the point where we live our lives in a constant state of sedation. This can be compared to Prufrock’s etherised patient and the straw-stuffed heads. The relatable aspect of isolation ensures the continuing value of Eliot's poetry into the twenty-first century. I like the recognition of the modern context, but again, I wouldn't do it in first person.

A conceptually strong essay Georgia, fantastic ideas in here! It's just the analysis that needs work - Make sure you've always got all of these things for every quote:

Technique used by the composer
Effect this technique is intended to have
Audience Response to this technique

All appeared in your essay, but it's about doing all of them, all the time! ;D I hope my comments are useful :)

Thank you so much for this feedback! Do you think its far off from an A-range response? I don't usually do first person, but in our Mod A trial essay it asked for 'your response to...." and my teacher who marked that module said that the strongest answers engaged with it personally through "i..."

Thanks:)

chloeannbarwick

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 67
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1242 on: September 13, 2017, 02:45:36 pm »
Hi! I was wanting to get this essay marked for the people and landscapes module. It's pretty rough however I've never been very good at editing my own work so please let me know how I can improve. And don't be afraid to completely tear it apart!

ps I'm not really sure how many points I'm up to with the essay marking system so please just let me know how many more I need if I do. Thank youuu

QUESTION - A new landscape has the ability to shift our understanding of ourselves and the wider world.

Colm Toibin’s bildungsroman ‘Brooklyn’ and Sophie Calle’s investigatory text ‘Suite Venetienne’ explore the interactions between protagonists and a number of new landscapes presented within their lives through the effective use of specific literary devices and intentions which in turn, contribute to both a protagonists and readers deepened understanding of themselves and the world, along with the changes which can occur on account of such interactions. Toibin writes his text with a great deal of both ambiguity and irony which takes considerable clarity and sophistication from readers to comprehend the shifting landscape within the Unites States of America on account of excessive immigration and the capability of this shifting landscape to impact both the protagonist and readers understanding of themselves and the wider world. Calle on the other hand, utilities similar literary devices and intentions through a number of creative forms including the combination of both text and film photography, exploring the concept of voyeurism and portraying the way’s in which a specific landscape can impact and individual’s personality.

The representation of ‘home’ within Toibin’s text reflects the “two people” of Eilis’ journey as her sense of identity in Brooklyn is depicted as never being solidified due to her feelings of nostalgia upon her time within Brooklyn being interrupted by her return to Ireland. Within Brooklyn, Eilis undergoes a number of changes with the ability to redevelop her understanding of both herself and her world. Through creating a number of parallels between Brooklyn and Ireland, Toibin allow’s readers and Eilis to discover the “two people” of her journey, the person she once was at her home in Ireland, and the person she has now become on account of her new landscape. Within Ireland, Eilis is at the mercy of her Mother, an overbearing lady who often makes her feel “like a child when the doctor would come to the house.” Toibins use of simile reveal’s how in turn, Eilis begins to depend upon her older sister Rose, hindering her growth and causing her to remain both small and powerless. Her inner turmoil however, is reversed upon her arrival within America where the new landscape allows her to play upon her new-found independence and freedom as indicated in the line “she noticed a woman studying her and realised with amusement… that she must look glamorous in these streets,” Through which Toibin’s use of ellipsis exhibit’s Eilis’ deepened understanding of herself brought forth by her deepened understanding of both her new and old landscapes, reflecting the two very different people of her journey.

Similar to that of Toibin, Calle presents the ‘two people’ of her investigatory journey through reflecting the parallel development of her two selves. Before the execution of her work, Calle states her intentions as to “push the bounds of propriety, to go where one wouldn’t ordinarily go.” Calle’s determined tone, followed by her intentions to assault privacy and autonomy highlight the enthusiasm of her previous self and her mind-set within her previous landscape. This enthusiasm, further exhibited as she states “At the end of January 1980, on the streets of Paris, I followed a man whom I lost sight of a few minutes later in the crowd. That very evening, quite by chance, he was introduced to me at an opening. During the course of our conversation, he told me he was planning an imminent trip to Venice. I decided to follow him.” By characterizing herself as inquisitive and enthusiastic, Calle constructs a version of her self which serves to contrast from the person she later becomes, prior to the conduction of her work. With Henri B as both the center and enigma of her investigatory piece, and within Venice, her new and foreign landscape, Calle begins to loose her previous enthusiasm, becoming a changed person. Calle depicts the way in which her new landscape had caused her to let her guard down within the quote “Your eyes, I recognise your eyes. That’s what you should have hidden.” The idea is that Calle is complicit in her own exposure, she is the subject as much as those she records. Through exposing the lives of others, Calle is essentially exposing herself and the development of her new self on account of her experiences within a new landscape.

Eilis’ dependence upon her older sister Rose is depicted within Brooklyn as Toibin begins to explore the influential role of the older sister. Essentially, Rose serves to initiate Eilis’ emigration from Ireland, allowing her to assimilate herself within a new landscape with a number of life-changing opportunities. In conjunction with this, the large sacrifice which Rose makes, choosing to remain in Enniscorty in order to support Mrs Lacey influences Eilis in a way which allows her to develop a deeper understanding of not only herself, but also the world. Upon Roses death and her return to her previous landscape, Enniscorty, Eilis experiences an identity crisis of sorts, her emotions becoming compounded by her Mother who dresses Eilis in Roses clothes and maker her feel like “she was Roses ghost, being fed and spoken to in the same way at the same time by her Mother.” Ultimately, Eilis’ epiphany is that the best tribute to Rose is to not steal her identity, but rather to form her own. It is in this way that Rose plays the rather influential role of the older sister within Eilis’ life, allowing her to develop her understanding of both the world and herself through the formation of her own unique identity.

The personal connection forged between a Father and Daughter is essentially a mental landscape with the ability to shift ones understanding of both themselves and the wider world. The original motivation behind Calles ‘Suite Venetienne’ is the role of her Father, an art collector. According to Calle, the motive was that “I wanted to seduce my Father,” however the word seduce is used as a double entendre and is implied in a way which does not suggest sexuality, but rather a personal connection between both Father and Daughter in which Calle aimed to forge through the creation of fine art. This connection may be perceived as a mental rather than physical landscape, however it is this landscape which is depicted by Calle to have inspired her to continue in the creation of her work ‘Suite Venetienne.’ This new mental landscape is depicted to have caused a shift in her understanding, particularly of herself as she further shapes her identity as an artist and develops a fascination with allowing her life to be dictated by the whims of others, including those of her Father. It is through the shaping of her identity as an artist, as employed by both the influence and role of her father within her life and her experiences within a new mental landscape that Calle is able to develop her understanding of both herself and her world.

Hence, Colm Toibin and Sophie Calle strikingly depict the way’s in which a new landscape has the ability to shift ones understanding of both themselves and the wider world through the utilisation of a number of effective and specific literary devices and intentions to successfully portray the ways in which a specific landscape can impact an individual’s personality.
Get it done now, and you'll have less to do later

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1243 on: September 13, 2017, 04:13:44 pm »
ps I'm not really sure how many points I'm up to with the essay marking system so please just let me know how many more I need if I do. Thank youuu

Hey Chloe! You'll need 85 posts to qualify for feedback (our quota has increased to 25 per post) :)

chloeannbarwick

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 67
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1244 on: September 14, 2017, 08:10:19 am »
Hey Chloe! You'll need 85 posts to qualify for feedback (our quota has increased to 25 per post) :)

Awesome, thank you very much! Better get posting then  ;D
Get it done now, and you'll have less to do later