English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you so much for your patience for reading and giving feedback for my essay
I would have never been able to have done this essay without your help
I really hope I've approached this task correctly. I'm going to show her later today *determination*

So happy for you! You'll do great things
Let me know how it goes!

[jamonwindeyer]

I have a paragraph from my friend if thats okay.. same question as my previous posts on brave new world

Hey hey, no problem at all! But tell them to hurry up and get an account, pretty soon everyone without an ATAR Notes account will be uncool 

Comments throughout in bold as usual 

Spoiler

Society is based on a distinctive hierarchical system, whereby those who possess power have both the incentive and the ability to fabricate and articulate their own machinations to benefit their own political, cultural, and social ideals. Awesome conceptual statement here to start, fabulous! Perhaps the most overarching theme present within Brave New World is that of the ideology of social stability, which can be attained though overwhelming control and ‘blissful ignorance’ of humans. Excellent link to text. One of the most prominent aspects of the novel is introduced and presented in Chapter 1 through the implementation of the caste system, in which all ‘civilised peoples’ are categorised into either alphas, betas, gammas, deltas or epsilons, based on their intellectual capacity. Castes are determined prior to fertilisation, after which the Gamma, Delta and Epsilon ova undergo Bokanovsky’s Process, where one fertilised egg essentially produces up to ninety-six identical twins. This section is retelling aspects of the story. This won't earn you marks. You must focus on how technique creates meaning! The irony of this process is evident in the insidious nature of the power of individuals and the ‘community’, in constructing and dictating the intellectual and social classes of the world in which they live. The methodic notion of bokanovskification in being one of the ‘major instruments of social stability’, emphasises the extremes to which the World State will go to, to preserve stability. The idealism of a world in which all facets are controlled, allows leaders (World Controllers) to mould society to accept the ‘truth’ of their actions, manipulating them to disregard the moral implications, indicative of the dehumanised state of citizens of the World State. I really love the concepts you are drawing out here, but it is much too plot focused. I haven't seen a technique yet! Remember, you are evaluating Huxley's representation of the themes within his novel, therefore, you are judging his use of technique. Early within the novel, readers are made aware of the World State’s Motto; Community, Identity, Stability.’ This ideology emphasises the need for conformity in social, political and personal matters, effectively revoking any means of individuality or identity through measures based on control in all aspects of ones life, thus creating a paradoxical and satirical effect. All you'd need here, for example, is the technique of either a 'motif' or 'repetition.'  Conditioning and prenatal treatment creates individuals without individuality, each one being programmed to behave exactly like the next. This allows for social stability, as well as economic productivity, providing the platform for an obedient society formed on the basis of ‘infantile behaviour.’ The audience becomes aware that in the pursuit of success in creating clones of humanity that will become obedient and submissive is made the central goal, as opposed to individualism. But HOW does Huxley achieve this? What literary techniques does he employ? Ultimately, society is determined by the government, in order to ensure people discover and ‘like their unescapable social destiny.’ This idea is further explored through the way in which the plot device of the student tour, alludes to the power the DHC has in society, highlighted by the idiom ‘straight out of the horses mouth’; that is from someone who holds authoritative power. Okay, now we are tying in techniques, better! As Huxley intended to impose a mixture of utopian and anti-utopian concepts, the text is ultimately established as that of a satirical nature, reflective of Huxley’s social criticism and as such, raises significant concerns based on his contextual surroundings in correlation with the society he lives in and projects the consequences on the future. Nice links to context, if you can blend this with some analysis of technique it would be very powerful. This use of hyperbolic expressions of life without morals reflect both angst and dismay on the way in which community only exists when individuals subscribe to the values of their respective social classes, adhering to the role and expectations assigned to them. In addition, this idea concerning the nature of family and natural conception, the World State has represented this notion to be considered ‘viviparous’ to citizens, highlighting how society has succeeded in replacing nature and making humans ‘robotic’. The powerful use of technology is shown in the comparative make-up between the production of humans in the hatchery and the production of consumer goods in an assembly line, corresponding with the domino effect of the industrial revolution in the time of Huxley. The conditioning that takes place within Brave New World influences the individual through their life. Since values can be taught, the values established by the World state are impressed upon the children, often taught as slogans, which become ‘the absolute truth’ , never being questioned. Again, very easy to include techniques here, you definitely don't need this immense level of retell. The audience sees the extent to which the World State has successfully bestowed their influence of political ideology upon the citizens through the characterisation of Lenina and Henry Foster, two characters who represent the epitome of what the World State intended to create. In their willingness to conform, readers are able to understand how, through the work of men in the Hatchery during infancy, stability is ultimately achieved. This is better! I'd like to see a textual example though, how are they characterised? PS - Is this meant to be a conclusive sentence? This is a really long paragraph. The corresponding ideas of men in power who control all through conformity to bring about stability is evident in ‘I met the Walrus.’ However, juxtaposing the compliance of citizens in the World State who lack the ability to question the values of the World State, John Lennon’s objective is evidently to break the chain of control those in power have over people who often partake in actions that only benefit their ‘point of view’. In conjunction with the visual continuum of the animation, John Lennon argues his ideals of ‘promoting peace, [and] do[ing] everything for peace’ based on ‘his own point of view’, using a convincing, determined tone to quickly disregard and oppose the view points of the government and their take on the ‘militant revolution.’ Lennon utilises allusion to other revolutions as a means to develop his viewpoint, referring to revolutions in ‘Russia, France, anywhere they’re at it’, illustrating how the outcome of violence never turns ‘out to be what it promised’. You are integrating techniques for your ORT MUCH more effectively than for your core text, this is great! Lennon discusses the way in the control of the government has the potential to ‘abuse’ people, because when they break things down, ‘they build it up again and the people bring it up, hang on to it and then they become the establishment.’ This directly relates to the caste system of Brave New World as each caste strengthens the establishment of the World State, because they are conditioned in this way to perform their job, as ‘everyone works for everyone else. Excellent link between the two texts, well done. Missing a conclusive sentence?

My very first comment would be that, if this is meant to be a single paragraph, it is far too long. Roughly 1000 words is longer than some of my entire essays during the HSC, it definitely needs to be separated into more succinct groupings of ideas. If this is actually meant to be two or three paragraphs, ignore me 

The sophistication of expression here is fabulous, and your conceptual drive is extremely powerful. The conceptual statement at the start is extremely impressive, and indeed, your discussion of the concepts in the text is fantastic as well. However, your analysis is what needs improvement. I only spotted a couple of techniques for BNW (not enough for the length of that piece of writing); but you actually did it well for your ORT!

Remember, the purpose of this module is to examine the link between an idea, and how a composer represents that idea through technique. The composer uses technique to communicate their "truth," their contextual views, by representing the ideas in their texts in specific ways. You must focus on how Huxley uses TECHNIQUE to craft a text which communicates ideas to his audience. I've read the text, and Huxley makes extensive use of imagery, symbolism, inter-textual allusion and several key motifs to manufacture a world space which is dehumanising to its inhabitants. In representing this didactic world (through technique), Huxley communicates the contextual fears of the early 20th century, a time period where genetic modification and technological advancement was just beginning to emerge as a reality. Your job is to judge HOW WELL Huxley uses technique to communicate these ideas.

Right now, you are essentially retelling plot details from the text, and explaining how your concept is evident in those examples. This is not enough. You must focus on representation and technique, constantly referring to Huxley's choices as a composer. Remember, go to TEA (TECHNIQUE-EXPLAIN-AUDIECE):

- Technique and Quote
- Explain what concept Huxley is exploring (with links to context
- Acknowledge the impact on the audience, what do we learn from this example about the concept?

This is really the only thing I can see for improvement. Ideas are fantastic. Expression is stellar. It is just the quality of your analysis that needs fixing up, and you'll have a great essay!!  great work mysterious friend!

[anotherworld2b]

Hi I'm back
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi! Would be greatly appreciated if you could look over my Mod A Essay.
Thanks!

Hey nay! No problem, I've attached your essay with feedback throughout written in bold!

Spoiler

The values we find in texts are as much the result of differences in textual form as they are the result of differing contexts.

As contexts change, the representation and relevance of values are also transformed. While certain aspects of textual form may affect the representation of or accentuate certain values, the values that are depicted are not a result of differences in textual form but of differing contexts. This opening works well, but I think you can go a little more in depth: Why is it that the exploration of values is reflective of context? This will allow you to link to audience. Shakespeare’s play, King Richard III (KRIII) thought to have been written in 1591, and Al Pacino’s indulgent, self-directed “docu-drama type thing”, Looking For Richard (LFR) (1996), demonstrate this notion by revealing the way beliefs in religion and determinism have affected values evolved through effective use of their textual form. Good introduction of texts, though 'evolved' may not be the best word choice there. Perhaps look at going into more detail about the concept of religion you will be exploring. Shakespeare uses the form of his time, the play, to reflect his context as one of extreme devoutness and order, much like the way Pacino uses the most popular medium of his time, film, to create a “Shakespeare about how we think and feel today” while depicting a time where secularism and the equality of individuals were prominent. This is shown through the representation of Richard in each text and the different social hierarchy each text portrays. A solid Thesis to start, I think that you could raise the sophistication a tad (a more unique argument, and tidying up expression), but it works well!

Shakespeare, through making Richard subvert contemporary values, explores determinism, arguing that evil is something innate and permanent. As the play was composed during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, Shakespeare wrote it in accordance with the Tudor myth, emphasising the Christian values of the time. Excellent inclusion of context, can you give an example of how this is evident/relevant in the text? Drawing upon sources such as Thomas Moore’s The History of King Richard III, Shakespeare paints Richard as a monstrous man, emphasising this through his physical - yet not entirely historically correct - deformities. Good, would this be a form of costuming? Trying to come up with the right technique for it. Richard is the perfect Machiavellian villain, abandoning any notion of morality to maximise his personal gain. While deceiving his nephew, Richard says, “(aside to the audience) Thus, like the formal Vice, Iniquity. I moralise two meanings in one word.” He uses the simile of the Vice, the personification of evil, the villain of Renaissance theatre, to express that evil is at his very core. What does this show the audience about the nature of determinism? Shakespeare thus uses the form of his time to involve the audience by having Richard speak directly to them, much like the typical Vice character. The continual insights into Richard’s mind that Shakespeare gives the audience shows Richard is always thinking about how to use others to reach his goals. These soliloquys emphasise Richard has no remorse, no conscience;  evil is his intrinsic condition. While the representation of Richard and determinism is affected by textual form, the actual values Shakespeare chooses to depict are due to context. While you are choosing to focus, you still need to have a bit more of technique to sustain your analysis. Right now, you only have 1/1 and a half. How do the techniques Shakespeare used reflect his contextual influences with respect to determinism? How does Shakespeare use technique to craft meaning around determinism that modern audiences can relate to, and thus connect to his context? These are the sorts of things to address to get yourself into the upper range of response.

Pacino takes a more sympathetic approach to Richard, offering the audience a different interpretation of Richard’s character. Different how? Be specific from the get go, even though you elaborate later you still need to give us something in the intro. While not forgiving him completely, Pacino argues Richard was not completely irredeemable due to the increasing acceptance of moral relativism and moral nihilism. Pacino, through clever use of form is able to give the illusion Pacino and Richard are becoming the same person –they are being played by the same actor - appealing to the sympathy of the audience. For example, at the end of the film, Richard’s death is dramatized, as it is accompanied by low requiem singing, which is extremely soft in comparison to the sound of the arrow piercing the King. Try and be a little more succinct in describing the use of techniques. For example, "Richard's death is dramatised by sound mixing, with the accentuated sound of the arrow striking Richard symbolic of ... etc." Richard is hit twice; still alive, struggling for breath, his death is elongated, but then he is finally murdered by Richmond. Unnecessary detail, this is just retelling the text! You are walking a fine line between a very good recount and actual analysis, be careful. The audience almost feels Pacino himself has been killed as he and the character of Richard have grown together throughout the play, further dramatising his death. Be a little more sophisticated here, "almost feels" is low modality language, be sure of your own points! In contrast to Shakespeare’s original, which simply states, “they fight. King Richard III is slain,” Pacino empathises with Richard, showing that each human life, regardless of how corrupt, is valuable. Good conceptual link. While in a Tudor context Richard should die with no honour or dignity, through effective use of form Pacino’s interpretation gives Richard more humanity and illustrates evil not as his defining characteristic but a flaw. I really like the concept you have tried to draw out here, and I love the links you are making between the texts and contexts. I still think you need more techniques to sustain your argument.

Shakespeare’s play also asserts the idea of the great chain of being and an unyielding social structure, a prominent belief of the time, through its structure and form. KRIII has the same four movements as a Senecan tragedy: the introduction (in which Richard explains his plans), the complication (Richard overcoming those who stand between him and the throne), climax (Richard’s coronation) and catastrophe (Richard’s death). Assume the reader knows your text, you do not need to add these details. In the third phase it seems Richard has overcome this hierarchical structure, but this makes Richmond’s ultimate victory even more profound. Retell. By reinforcing the view the Tudors are the rightful heirs of the throne, the form of a Senecan tragedy asserts that the divine right of kings exists. This notion is a providential idea (in accord with Queen Elizabeth’s beliefs), proclaiming that God’s will is evident in all occurrences and has application to social order. Under this belief, many of the audience would have agreed with the structure and form of the play, that Richard III was undeserving of the crown. Good links to context and concept, but again, lacking in textual analysis.

Pacino’s film, however, was created in a more secularised society where belief in God and a rigid social order was not as prominent. As a result of his context, there is a noticeable lack of religious references and an emphasis on democracy and the rights of the individual, opposed to the overbearing confines of social class in Shakespeare’s context. This is most evident when Pacino says, “A person has an opinion. It’s only an opinion. It’s never a question of whether it is right or wrong.” Pacino’s statement is further reinforced when the interviews and vox-pops that are typical of his documentary form are used. He does not state the name of the famous actors or scholars who are on air to bring these people down to the same level as the ‘toothless panhandler’ and random bystanders. Technique? Effect on audience? This is once again heavy with textual retell. Opinions of Shakespeare from the everyday American to the British scholar to the seasoned Shakespearean actor are equal, highlighting the democratic and egalitarian ideals of the time. Pacino is able to show this effectively through adequate use of his textual form.

Through an examination of the depiction of similar values in the texts, it is evident the notions conveyed in the original have been reshaped in its modern day derivation. While the composer decides on the textual form to reinforce and accentuate the values they wish to convey, it is context that ultimately dictates what values are portrayed. A comparison of KRIII and LFR shows how religious views and values have changed over time, as well as how the opinions and desires of individuals have come to have more significance. A nice punchy conclusion, this works very well.

What I'll start by saying is that your contextual links are excellent, really top notch. You've clearly given a lot of thought to how the ideas in the text are shaped by their context, and further, how these impact differently on different audiences. Massive congratulations on that, it's brilliant!

The thing is, your argument isn't quite re-enforced. The reason is simply a lack of textual analysis. Essentially, you are hitting three out of four points in the chain:

CONTEXT -> IDEA -> TECHNIQUE -> AUDIENCE

That is, you need to show how the context influences how the idea is represented using a technique, and thus, the effect this has on the audience. At the moment, you are just saying how the context influences the idea and how the audience perceives this. Your textual evidence is mostly retell, taking bits of the play and saying how your ideas pops up in that example. You have very few techniques to back yourself up.

To fix this, I recommend a shift in focus. Remove all sentences where you are just retelling bits of the play. Think, would you need to say this to someone who knew the play well, like your marker does? This will remove the retell, and from there, you need to fill it back up with analytical sentences. Analyse how techniques are used (appropriate to form), to craft meaning in the text, with this meaning ultimately dependent on the context. As I said, you are already doing MOST of this, you just need to replace retell with techniques. I give some pointers throughout the essay to help you know what I mean 

This is an excellent essay waiting to happen, great work nay103! Let me know if you need any clarification on any of these points, I know I said a lot  hope it helps!! 

[ccarolineb]

Hi there!
I just want to quickly let you know that I've never read either of these texts (Trust me, Brave New World is definitely on my list!) and in Module C I studied People and Landscapes, not People and Politics. With this in mind, hopefully I can give you some helpful tips!

I also want you to be aware that your essay is very long. In an exam, you probably wouldn't have the time to dedicate this many words to Module C. If this is an assignment with a high word limit, then no biggie!

Your essay is in the spoiler here, with my comments written in bold throughout

Spoiler

Question: “Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”

Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.

Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. Awesome! The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this quote This isn't a major thing by any means, but using the word "quote" in an essay isn't always the best option. My top suggestion to replace it in this instance is notion. This is totally up to you and definitely not a big deal, it is just a small word play thing ) becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. To make this introduction stronger, I recommend taking out the text summary (or, at least some of it, to make room for the coming suggestion) so that you can talk specifically about the "truths" that are warped and presented in the text. So, perhaps you want to talk about political, social, mental, or musical truths. If you specifically mention one or two that you will tease out later on, you are giving your marker a better idea of what to expect, more than just a snippet of a text summary would. Does this make sense at all? It's a way of elevating your introduction from "here is a quick summary of the text" to "here is a quick and succinct summary of my essay, stay tuned!"

Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants,  “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to.  This is a really strong paragraph! I really don't have any suggestions here just yet. Your sentences are packed with a lot of important detail! Except, I want to draw your attention to the fact that you've only said the word "truth/truthful" three times. Once at the beginning, and twice at the end. I think you'll benefit from tying in the middle section to the essay question, or at least by linking it to the idea of truth. i think this will improve the way that your argument reads.

A very similar idea is parodied Love this word!!in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. This is a really good flick between the texts! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.

Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. I'm consistently impressed by the strength of your topic sentences. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity.  This paragraph is really great - except that it implicitly deals with the question rather than explicitly. We use the word truth, a key word in the question, only once in this paragraph. I think your argument will remain strong at this point if you can go back through this paragraph and weave the question through explicitly. Your analysis is still there, but I think it appears weaker because of the lack of reference to the essay question.

The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient display of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Similar to the above comment, this paragraph seems slightly pointless because it doesn't deal with the question. To me, it isn't pointless because I see the cross-text referencing at play here. However, it is important that you give it purpose that is instantly recognised by linking it to the question.

John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the World State. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.

John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity, and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.

I haven't commented on the last few paragraphs because I have the same piece of advice for all. I can see what you mean when you feel that your argument fades away towards the event. I think the reason is that you are making less and less explicit dealings with the question. Your introduction is wonderful for the way that it deals with the question, but it doesn't persist later on throughout the essay, particularly in these last paragraphs. Who is experiencing? Who is perceiving things as true when they are actually untrue and controlled by experience and bias? Referencing the initial quotation more would strengthen the essay in a way that you have one single spine weaved through the essay, and the spine is that quotation. Don't get me wrong, I know you are dealing with the question, but it isn't in an explicit way, which is important for elevating the essay to sophistication.

Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. The conclusion here is quite brief. If you take some ideas from your introduction, you'll be able to lengthen this. Most importantly, if you take ideas from the quotation and essay question set from you, you have the opportunity to draw it all together here really explicitly.

I don't underestimate your knowledge of the texts for a second! You have a really good analytical grasp on it all! I'm really impressed. The reason that your essay seems as though it is dropping sophistication towards the end is because the essay question and set quotation isn't holding it all together. By going through and linking every single point to the question, you'll have a far stronger essay. Your introduction and conclusion are excellent places for you to really flesh out the essay question to ground your essay in a coherent idea. In your introduction, you have room to take away summary and introduce the essay's angle.

I hope this makes sense. There's no tiny little picky things to work on, instead it is just a structural thing. When the structure is strong, you'll find that the essay will be far stronger and it will appear to be more sophisticated!

Please post back if something I've said doesn't make sense! You should be really proud of your analysis

Thankyou so much for these pointers! I've worked on what you've suggested and I think with some slight changes I've added a slight layer of sophistication in both my justification and creating a structure. Would love anymore suggestions where needed

“Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth”

Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.


Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this speculation becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. The interplay between truth and representation is evident when exploring the ideas of political truth, social truth, and individual truth. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. i really did want to keep some sort of text introduction here because of my teachers suggestionsBoth these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between.

Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants,  “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to. 

A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots”. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’.

Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity. 

The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient illustration of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. Again, the relationship between representation and truth is actively conveyed through the use of a metaphorical concept symbolising the almost mechanical process of shaping an individual’s sense of truth around a fabricated representation. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity.

John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples within the World State, with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the all powerful political regime, that is, the World State. John and Lenina are living antitheses of each other, both living in separate worlds and with separate concepts of truth. To each of these individuals, the representation of the world they have grown up with has become their idea of the ‘absolute truth’. In saying this, the given quote by Simone de Beauvior is significantly present in situations where people are affected by the representations strengthened by external parties, and they use these ‘truths’ to shape the way they establish their own in regarding morals, ethics and lifestyles. Thus, another person’s ‘absolute truth’ has shaped their individual essence of truth. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””. In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds.

John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Lennon stresses that a person has the capacity to choose which side of themselves they show to the greater world. This follows similar propositions within Brave New World, in that the constant confrontations between the two worlds of Lenina and John are symbolic of the internal struggles of a single individual choosing which side of themselves they will surrender to and represent as their truthful and honest positions. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.

What can be understood is that representation is a tool used to shape one’s point of view to a certain degree of truth. Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. Huxley and the composers of I Met a Walrus craftily yet very markedly tied in theories of truth and its relationship with representation throughout their texts, acting as a spine which soundly holds together the integrity of their ideas.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi I'm back
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant

Hey again another world! Again, I'm going to leave this for Elyse to tackle so that she can follow up on her feedback, you should have some feedback very soon!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Thankyou so much for these pointers! I've worked on what you've suggested and I think with some slight changes I've added a slight layer of sophistication in both my justification and creating a structure. Would love anymore suggestions where needed

Hey again Caroline!! Thanks for re-posting!! Since you don't need to follow up on any specific feedback I've had a read and put some comments throughout; I might have missed stuff Elyse covered or added extra feedback, consider me an extra set of eyes 

Spoiler

“Representation of the world, like the world itself, is the work of men; they describe it from their own point of view, which they confuse for the absolute truth” Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to Brave New World and I Met the Walrus.

Representation of events, people, and situations are constructed and manipulated to convey ideas, and project these perspectives to an audience. The depiction of an idea depends on an author’s individual political, religious, and personal views, along with their experiences, ‘which they confuse for the absolute truth’. Thus, the plausibility of this speculation becomes clear in explaining how representation is unique to the individual and their own perspectives. The interplay between truth and representation is evident when exploring the ideas of political truth, social truth, and individual truth. Brave New World is a prose fiction novel written by Aldous Huxley. The nature of this novel alone suggests the validity of the above quote, in that it is a futuristic text which combines theories of psychological manipulation, reproductive technology and sleep conditioning to create an ideal society. This notion of an ‘ideal’ society is, in itself, a representation of how the world is from the point of view of the author; Aldous Huxley. I Met A Walrus is an interview accompanied by an animated film featuring a young Jerry Levitan and John Lennon. John Lennon is well known for his role as a co-founder of the Beatles, who often wrote songs advocating for world peace and and civil rights. Both these texts explore the ideas of representation and how the notion of ‘truth’ becomes lost in between. I like this introduction!! I think the textual introduction is fine, but your introduction works better now with the inclusion of the truths you will be exploring! It works well, but I'd still like to see some more detail. Like, there are lots of individual truths, social truths, etc, I think giving some more detail will give your essay a conceptual focus, which will raise the sophistication even further!

Huxley presents the truth behind the perfectly synchronised and harmonic institutions within the World State. What is this truth? You explore it later, but establish it immediately! And further, I'd like to see your concept separated from the text a little. Your essay is about REPRESENTATION, so, you should be able to establish the concept by itself first, and then say how Huxley represents it. Humans in Brave New World are vulnerable to the ability of the World State in disconnecting them from their individuality, family and morals. Through Huxley’s development of the artificial reproduction system, the realisation that the society in Brave New World are devoid to their own individuality, yet highly subjected to the beliefs of the World State becomes very evident; the citizens have very little to no control over the way they can live their lives. What technique would you say achieves this? Be sure to focus on analysis! The Director of Hatcheries and Conditioning (DHC) holds the belief that the natural environment need not exist for any aesthetic purposes, as this potentially poses a danger to the way the World State works, but exists to service its uses in human advancements. “A love of nature keeps no factories busy” infers the DHC’s very evident point of view, that the human population in Brave New World is merely a single cog in a larger wheel, with the sole purpose of conditioning them to consume and accept anything presented to them. Technique? Through their use of sleep conditioning, the World State are able to use infants as the vehicle in which they coerce the castes to adapt to their beliefs by the means of voice recordings and repetitive lessons, such as the lesson played to sleeping Beta infants,  “Oh no, I don’t want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They’re too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides they wear black, which is such a beastly colour. I’m so glad I’m a Beta”. However, the World’s State’s ill-judged belief that a synergy between the social castes will only be achieved through methods like hypnopaedia and psychological manipulation allows readers to deduce that the actual representations of the castes within these strategies are actually the own opinions or ‘absolute truths’ operating the World State, and not the truthful and respective places in society the classes belong to.  I think your argument is sustained decently well, much the same as Elyse, but the big issue I see with this paragraph is a major lack of techniques. Especially in an essay on representation, you MUST be addressing the techniques Huxley has utilised to represent his ideas. You essentially should be discussing how technique creates meaning, if that makes sense?

A very similar idea is parodied in the text I Met the Walrus when John Lennon is questioned about recent issues in the media regarding The Beatles, and responds with “Those kids, they sound like some are square. They just gotta get from under their parents’ wings”, and the interviewer replies “I know, they’re like robots." As an introductory sentence, this is very "retell" focused. You are just recounting the conversation. Instead, try and state the idea that Lennon's text will be representing. Jerry Levitan’s simile and comparison with robots leads the discussing how, because of parents and their means of representing the world to the younger generations, have left their children destitute of the liberty to find out for themselves and develop their own sense of ‘absolute truth’. The wording was a little bit off in that sentence, "discussing how" was slightly out of place? But good integration of technique and the question!  The audience are able to make connections between this scenario of high school students being easily biased and inheriting the perspectives of their parents, and the influence of the World State on the people in Brave New World. Cool! The responses given in this interview suggests the soundness of the quote above in intimating that much like the illustration of parents in the graphics accompanying the interview, the World State acts as the greater figure who describe scenarios as they see it and create a representation of a place or person based on their own point of view that they ‘confuse as the absolute truth’. Nice conclusion, but I think you can choose a better word than "soundness." This paragraph is more effective, but also quite short, have you considered meshing it with the paragraph above to create an integrated response?

Huxley’s work in Brave New World is an exploration of the social, economic and historical contexts of his time that shape the construction of the institutions and their representations. He delves beyond the surface of appearances, and creates meaning and depth to what really happens in a society where everything appears to be perfect and uniform. Brave New World is essentially a representation of an anti-utopian world manipulated by Huxley for the purpose of illustrating to his readers the fate of the world when populations are subconsciously conforming to trends of mass consumption and physical gratification. Remove "essentially" from that sentence, sound sure of yourself the whole time, high modality! His decision to utilise representation as both a disguise, and insight into the truth behind it creates a multidimensional understanding. Example? At the time of writing, Henry Ford had made consumerism history by introducing the concept of the assembly line. The constant reiteration of ‘ending, not mending’ in Brave New World was very deliberately included to mirror the historical context of the novel. Nice contextual link! But technique? In addition to this, the period now dubbed ‘the roaring twenties’ saw excessive wealth and extravagant parties, characterised by dancing flapper girls and artistic dynamism. Sexual pleasure and alcohol became the numbing reality of instant gratification and relaxed morals in this time. Try and be a little more succinct in your contextual discussions, keep the focus on representations! During their time together in the elevator in Chapter 3, Henry Foster notices Bernard’s glumness, and offers him a gramme of Soma. This interaction brings to light the heavy dependence on the drug Soma that the population of the World State has come to have, “One cubic centre metre cures ten gloomy sentiments”. More effective than this plot retell would be some more abstract reference, for example, "The importance of the drug "soma," for the citizens of Huxley's world state, is perhaps epitomised best by INSERT QUOTE. Plot retell is in general ineffective. The consistent references to ‘erotic play’ and sexual activity also demonstrates the ability of the World State to condition the population to accept and treat things that may have generally been considered as immoral and taboo, into more relaxed topics of conversation and a necessary part of life. Technique? The ability of the World State to take things like sexual activity and drug use, and represent them to be nothing more than a natural part of life, shows their political power in taking their own point of view and representing it differently to sway the perspectives of others. Soma and physical gratification in the novel constituted what was becoming completely normal in the society Huxley wrote of. He parodied the historical context of his time within Brave New World to show how life would be if man absently went along with everything that he was exposed to in his life by others around him, through the vision he portrays to be the futuristic reality of rigidly controlling government and heedless conformity.  I think your argument is now handled much better in this paragraph, but again, I'm not seeing enough technique here, and thus you aren't covering the representation aspect of this module.

The concept of the assembly line is also echoed in I Met the Walrus by the animated visual of characters being made on a production line stemming from the larger illustration of a parental figure. The characters are shaped into squares and slide off the conveyor belt to form larger, identical figures. The salient illustration of machinery constructing a person highlights how extensively an individual is susceptible to becoming influenced by the representations of people and events by other common figures around them. Again, the relationship between representation and truth is actively conveyed through the use of a metaphorical concept symbolising the almost mechanical process of shaping an individual’s sense of truth around a fabricated representation. This supports the previous argument that when politics is presented in a certain light, it reveals the ability it holds to deprive a human of their individuality and identity. Again, well done with sustaining your argument a little more effectively, but quite short! I think it would work better blended with the previous paragraph! Matter of preference though 

John the Savage in Brave New World clearly sees beyond the control of the World State and exposes within individuals, such as Lenina and Bernard, internal battles between their conditioning and their humanity. His suicide at the end of the novel reflects his level of frustration with the lack of awareness of the individuals around him of the firm grasp the World State has on them, such as Lenina, and this becomes very evident in his harsher tones towards the end of the novel, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it”. John the Savage’s opinions of the conditioned populations in Brave New World likens of the people of the World State to programmable machines who conform to the information ingrained in them as infants, and his existence is a physical juxtaposition of the representation of conditioned peoples within the World State, with the individuals living in the Reservation who have a greater choice and free will, exempt from the supremacy of the all powerful political regime, that is, the World State. Integration of techniques is better in this paragraph! John and Lenina are living antitheses of each other, both living in separate worlds and with separate concepts of truth. To each of these individuals, the representation of the world they have grown up with has become their idea of the ‘absolute truth’. In saying this, the given quote by Simone de Beauvior is significantly present in situations where people are affected by the representations strengthened by external parties, and they use these ‘truths’ to shape the way they establish their own in regarding morals, ethics and lifestyles. Thus, another person’s ‘absolute truth’ has shaped their individual essence of truth. When John refuses to engage with Lenina in sexual activity, she is taken aback and locks herself in the bathroom. Her inability to understand why a man who was seemingly interested in her would not ‘have her’, coupled with John’s reaction of being taken aback at her forwardness and his feelings of repulsiveness that she was willing to expose herself so hastily, shows the very significant contrasts between him and Lenina, both being from two different worlds and raised in different conditions, ““Did you eat something that didn’t agree with you? asked Bernard. The Savage nodded, “I ate civilisation.””This is BEGGING to be linked to a technique, it was one of my favourite lines in this novel    In both cases, the individuals at hand are confused at each other, for no other reason than the fact that world they have learnt to accept has now been proven to be subjective to their point of views, and their representations and understandings of their own worlds. The last section of this paragraph was slipping into retell a bit, but this paragraph is nice on the whole! Argument well sustained.

John Lennon was an individual who had significant correlations with the characteristics of John the Savage. While John the Savage was the catalyst in exposing the humanity within others, John Lennon believed there are two parts to every person, “We’re all Hitler inside, we’re all Christ inside, and its just trying to work on the good bit of you”. The animated illustration of Lennon’s speech assists audiences in creating an image of the internal battle between a person’s humanity and their natural instincts which they may have been influenced to act on. Lennon stresses that a person has the capacity to choose which side of themselves they show to the greater world. This follows similar propositions within Brave New World, in that the constant confrontations between the two worlds of Lenina and John are symbolic of the internal struggles of a single individual choosing which side of themselves they will surrender to and represent as their truthful and honest positions. Again, audiences are in a position to draw similarities between Lennon’s point of view and the Savage’s, in finding meaning and and uncovering truth from within.

What can be understood is that representation is a tool used to shape one’s point of view to a certain degree of truth. I'd take out that first phrase, just start with "Representation is a tool." Both texts explore concepts of representation and the notions of ‘truth’ and why this is subjective to each individual. The craft behind the composer’s intentions are enacted to reveal the strength in resisting the urge to passively accept a truth that may have been fabricated and forced onto, rather than explore for one’s self and create meaning. Huxley and the composers of I Met a Walrus craftily yet very markedly tied in theories of truth and its relationship with representation throughout their texts, acting as a spine which soundly holds together the integrity of their ideas.

From your last version that I had a peek at, you're sustaining your argument much more effectively this time. Very effective, you are addressing the question the whole time, so great job there!!

My big feedback will be techniques. You need more of them to sustain your analysis, especially in Module C. Try to shift yourself away from textual retell; there is no need to recount plot details, scenes or conversations. Instead, focus exclusively on how techniques used by Huxley allow him to communicate social, political and individual truths; this is the notion of representation. This is what you need to crack a high range response; Module C needs techniques even more than the others, and they ALL rely on them heavily, so that is saying something.

There are other little pieces of feedback throughout, but I like to give one big thing to work on, so techniques is your job from here. Feel free to let us know if you need a hand with it, textual analysis with effective use of technique can be very difficult to pull off! Great work though Caroline, you have some really sophisticated ideas here and address the question really really well, fantastic job! 

[lha]

Hi, this is my mod c essay on wag the dog (i dont need a related text). I have only done the intro and first body paragraph and was wondering if you could tell me what to fix and see if I answered the question so far (the question is at the top of the essay).
Thank you!

[elysepopplewell]

Hi I'm back
My teacher said my essay was fine. (I just needed to somehow engage the audience in a general manner)
But I'm not sure how... I've tried using a rhetorical question but I'm not sure if it is effective...
I am kind of confused on how to talk about what a modern audience can take from this essay. i've tried to include this aspect but
I'm not sure if it is what you meant

Hi! I'll totally admit it, I'm a bit confused myself about the expectation to engage the audience (the criteria makes it sound a bit like a speech) through the essay. But, we'll give it a go!

Spoiler

Mao’s Last dancer, by Li Cunxin, is an inspirational autobiography that delves into the harsh life experiences and lessons he learned living in Mao’s Communist China. However, the true value of these experiences and lessons can only be truly appreciated by a contemporary reader with context. Have you ever read something with your eyes closed and understood it? I like the use of rhetorical question!/b] A testament to this notion is in how my own understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. To further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams and his love towards family relations under the reign of Mao Zedong, I researched Cunxin’s context in Mao’s Communist China. My own personal context further influenced my interpretation of this autobiography and its relation to me. Not so much at this point, but throughout the essay, I'm anticipating seeing the rhetorical question referred to more. The metaphor of eyes being closed as not understanding the context is a good one. We just need to keep linking to it.
Understanding historical context has allowed me to better understand the significance of key events under the reign of Mao Zedong who was revered as a God by the population of China in what years?. It allows us to understand questions, " Why were particular events emphasised?" "What is the significance of these events?" Collective knowledge of context accentuates depth and meaning to events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ amidst the peak of the cultural Revolution in 1966. Perhaps relate to the audience here by saying something to engage the audience, perhaps by questioning them about how they might interpret it completely differently if they didn't know the context. This is loose, but something along these lines The importance of the allusion, "there was an unstoppable political heat wave sweeping through China. Emotions ran high and wild " is recognised most vividly when the context is considered. It was a period of chaos. In 1966 to 1969, Mao Zedong feared losing power and control and began the cultural revolution in an attempt at reasserting power over the Chinese government as ‘the  country teetered on the edge of civil war’. The imagery of counter-revolutionaries condemned and accused publicly as ‘capitalist filth’ harbouring ‘evil landlord-like attitudes’ enables us to visualise ‘young Red Guards’ as Mao’s personal army of loyal minions. The frightening repetition of ‘revolutionary slogans ‘Long live Chairman Mao! emphasised Mao’s desire for power and unravelled his hidden agenda as ‘‘Guns fired. The bodies fell down’. The Cultural Revolution was not just to eradicate counter-revolunaties. It was an evident political movement to reinstate his own power. It is undeniable that without knowledge of Communist China I would’ve never interpreted the true depth behind this event contextually. I'm not sure, but perhaps this is another chance for a rhetorical question. "Would you?"


Understanding Li Cunxin’s context has allowed me to better understand how powerful and inspirational attributes of determination and resilience can be used to realise one’s dreams. The significance of the metaphor, "I wanted to fly like the beautiful birds and dragonflies," can only appreciated eloquently when context is considered. Cunxin was just like millions of other peasant children, born to families that were struggling to stay alive. But he was given a privilege others yearned for influencing his motivation in his pursuit of excellence in ballet ‘This was how I could make not only make my parents but also the whole of China proud’. Be sure to use speech marks " and not apostrophes '. Cunxin practised wherever he could he ‘practised leaps covering every inch of whichever studio was vacant’ and‘ Strapped sandbags’ to his ankles. Cunxin even symbolically wrote ‘fly’ on his ballet shoes’ leaping high into the air.But his determination does not stop there. He practised ‘night after night, relentlessly. By the end of the term I had left shallow indentations in the studio floor where I had endlessly, repeatedly turned’. Contextual knowledge has enabled us to understand that his prominence on the international ballet stage was the fruit born from the blood, sweat and tears of his determination and self discipline. Mao's Last Dancer has greatly influenced me to now appreciate the value of opportunities and not to waste them. Contextual knowledge has accentuated my reading of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’; prompting us to aspire to be like Li Cunxin. In this sentence, you've gone from your reading, to our reading. "My" to "us" and it jars a little. Be consistent with who you are including in a sentence Also, you end the sentence with Cunxin and then start the next sentence with the same word. This is no literary tort, but it sounds a little funny. If possible, arrange the syntax on one to avoid this issue Cunxin emphasizes our understanding that we can all succeed in realising our dreams if we show these dormant attributes of determination, self discipline and resilience that are undeniably embedded within all of us.
My own personal context resonated deeply with the contextual knowledge of 'Mao's Last Dancer'. I too was born to a Chinese family; allowing me relate to Li Cunxin on a personal level. Li was born into a loving family and raised with the same values ' to have dignity, honesty and pride. Never to steal or do things that would harm others' I was raised with. His loving relation with his grandmother resonated with how loving my own grandmother is to my own family. Apart from being Chinese and sharing the same values, another way that I relate to Cunxin is through the knowledge that my own grandmother was born and raised in Mao's Communist China herself. My grandmother’s first hand hand recounts of  her experiences whilst living in Mao’s Communist China accentuated my appreciation and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ on a personal level, undeniably shaping how I read 'Mao's Last Dancer' and emphasised my appreciation of my family.

Context is imperative to understanding, it changes our perspectives and understanding to literature significantly.This is evident in how my understanding and interpretation of ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ was dramatically shaped by the knowledge of context. Cunxin's context and knowledge of Mao's Communist China allowed me further understand key events in ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’ and Cunxin’s determination in striving to realise his dreams under the reign of Mao Zedong. Without appreciating context, it is undeniable I would have regretfully lost my profound understanding and interpretation of this autobiography. Equipped with knowledge that context is a necessity, it is clear that we can all draw inspiration, motivation and passion from ‘Mao’s Dancer’ despite cultural differences and circumstances from around the world.

I think the trick here is to refer to that initial rhetorical question further on. Continually prompt the reader to aliken not knowing the context to reading blind. This is a really strong idea that you can thread through your text. Furthermore, extend yourself to not just your specific personal self, but instead to being a "contemporary reader." This is when you can collectively use "we" when talking in your opinion piece. The Chinese culture and values are a strong comparison in this text undoubtedly, but there's also a connection that this text can make to contemporary readers, even of Western culture, to the original storyline and context.

I'm sorry if I'm not being so helpful! I hope this really gives you an idea about where to go. The only thing I'm definitely sure of is that continuing the closed-eye notion will really tie your opinion piece together and engage the audience.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi, this is my mod c essay on wag the dog (i dont need a related text). I have only done the intro and first body paragraph and was wondering if you could tell me what to fix and see if I answered the question so far (the question is at the top of the essay).
Thank you!

Hello! It's a great idea to check in with the first part of your essay before going too much further! I'll take a look now
Also, I haven't seen this text before, and I studied People and Landscapes and not People and Politics. I just want to let you know, but I'll still of course give you my best feedback!

I'll write my comments in bold font in the spoiler here:

Spoiler

Mod C Essay: Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson
‘Representations of political events or situations often reveal an individual’s personal beliefs and values’. Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text.

The portrayal of critical political episodes, acknowledges the beliefs and values of individuals of society. Really good work with tying the question into the thesis here!Barry Levinson portrays politics as a worldwide alluring affair formulated by hierarchical power to present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society, in order to establish a set of beliefs and values thought to be sincere. This representation that people’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an individual’s desire to believe, stimulating their trust for a deceitful organisation and constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility, is expressed by Levinson in his film, Wag the Dog (1997). His representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 reveals his unique beliefs on the manipulative influence that the political genre has on people in society. You cover all the right information in this introduction I think. However, your sentences are really jampacked. I have a feeling that if you broke up some of the sentences, the ideas would be more easily digested. Each time you've used a comma, consider if you could instead use a full stop and then add a few words to the second half to make it a complete sentence on its own. I don't want to mess with your ideas, because they are really strong. And, your word choice is even stronger! You express this really well. It's now a matter of syntax
The corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is expressed by Levinson through his representation of a fictional political scandal, which was highly thought to be a relevant representation of the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Levinson articulates the fraud of political situations expressed to citizens through the satirical nature of his film. The satire used allows the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean, who is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene in which upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar playing is used to create anticipation amongst the viewers that an individual of important status in the film has been announced. Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further expresses his valuable positioning in the film and in the political party. Levinson uses this characterisation of Brean as the most influential person in politics, to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power, also expressing his arbitrary belief on the real head of politics. Moreover, the use of images and symbols created by the “spin doctors” as a result of their production, manipulate the people, being the American public. This tiny last bit here doesn't read well. perhaps, "manipulate the people in the American public." The comma doesn't quite read smoothly. I'm being picky, though Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the manipulation and corruption occurring and the symbolic tool in which Schumman is used by the political system, is indicative of his pessimistic stance on politics.
Wow! Your analysis is wonderful. You have a really clear structure of quote, technique, analysis and it really works in your favour. However, I'd just like to see a tiny bit more explicit referencing to the values that the question wants you to talk about. You definitely implicitly hit it, but specifically talking about the exact beliefs and values that the text requires you discuss is the next point of call to elevate this essay.

Amazing work! Hopefully you know how strong your writing is. It's really effective and punchy. Some great writers in the HSC hit things implicitly yet unquestionably, and some people hit the high marks through punchy and fully loaded words. So you definitely are the latter type, and so was I! In the introduction I think you need to break down the sentences a bit more so the ideas are digestable, and in the first paragraph I think you just need to make a more explicit reference to the exact beliefs and values that are mentioned in the essay question.

You'll do brilliantly! Please let me know if anything doesn't make sense, or if you have any questions You should be proud of this one!

[FallonXay]

Hi! I have written a practice essay for Module C: Representation and Text, Elective 1: Representing people and politics (using the prescribed text Wag the Dog and related material The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman) in preparation for upcoming exams. Any criticism/feedback would be greatly appreciated. Also, I am concerned about writing with cohesion, if you have any advice on this that’d be awesome! Thanks a ton! 

Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.

Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.

Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text  “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.

Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.

Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.

Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.

[Adriaclya]

Hi guys, this is my mod b speech. Please go hard? I think?
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss!

[foodmood16]

Hey, attached is my mod A essay/speech on Gatsby and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, I was wondering what I could do to improve it as I am not sure if its on the right track.
Thanks

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi guys, this is my mod b speech. Please go hard? I think?
The question is : evaluate how the 2 speakers chosen promote the importance of making a difference in our world
The other important stuff:
- evaluate construction + use of rhetorical features
- explain how the speeches resonate in today society
Thankss!

Hey Adriaclya!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. You are only 2 posts off the limit, so hang around the forums for a while and you'll be there in no time. Then just let us know in this thread when you've reached it and we'll go back and mark your essay!! Thanks in advance 

[elysepopplewell]

Hi! I have written a practice essay for Module C: Representation and Text, Elective 1: Representing people and politics (using the prescribed text Wag the Dog and related material The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman) in preparation for upcoming exams. Any criticism/feedback would be greatly appreciated. Also, I am concerned about writing with cohesion, if you have any advice on this that’d be awesome! Thanks a ton! 

Hi there! Sorry this took a few days. Happy to mark your work!

Here is your original essay without any of my own comments:

Spoiler

Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience.

Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world.

Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text  “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance.

Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue.

Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.

Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations.

Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font throughout:

Spoiler

Representation is a deliberate act on the part of the composer.
How have the composers of your core text and at least one related text represented ideas about people and politics?

love this essay question!
Deliberate representation, when explored as a notion that develops an acceptance of differing ‘truths’, explicitly reveals the shared or conflicting perspectives of composers. Your first sentence is really jampacked with good stuff. However, I read it a few times before I understood exactly what was being said. The part that sticks out the most as being the jarring part is the "when explored..." part. To me, this isn't because your words aren't clear, it is simply because it's a lot to digest in one sentence. I think breaking it up, possibly into two sentences, will work for you Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. Great! I'm really getting a sense for your sophisticated writing style. As a result of these personalities, society is coerced into subsisting the negative repercussions instigated by political motivations. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which is a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. It is through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, that the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representations of politics and their negative effects on people within their narratives to effectively communicate their ideologies to the audience. Seriously, wonderful work!!

Barry Levinson explores the perfidious behaviour entailed Entailed typically means "necessary or requirement." So I would say, "the task at hand entails a lot of time commitment." Entailed doesn't quite work here. Depending on what you are going for, you could say expected of, shown by, represented by, and similar words like that. by political figures through characterisation in his film Wag The Dog. Through his representation of the central character Brean, Levinson denotes the political world as accommodating towards amoral behaviour. From the introduction, Levinson establishes Brean as a character whom is a ruthless calculus through his innate willingness to do whatever necessary to complete the task assigned. This is explicitly demonstrated as Brean is idolised as ‘Mr Fix it’ coupled with the lack of lighting and fedora which shadows his face, an intrinsic feature of identity, denoting to the admiration of mystery and secrecy as intrinsic to the political world. Through uttering ‘I don’t care if it’s true’ when presented with the indecent situation whereby a dispute arises surrounding the President committing deeds of sexual acts towards an underaged, firefly girl, Levinson exposes the indifferent attitude possessed by political figures. Brean further expresses this attitude through his single-minded desire ‘just gotta distract them’ through asserting a casual tone which accentuates Brean’s dismissive attitude towards the truth and thus familiarity as indecent acts affiliated with politics, highlighting the commonality of profanity associated with political work. Furthermore, Brean’s inherent manipulative behaviour is pronounced during the CIA scene. Brean’s calm and calculated response ‘Then what good are [your satellites] if they show no war?’ in response to the accusations presented by the CIA agents result in a flustered reaction by the CIA agents, demonstrating his awareness of the insecurities of others and ambitious nature. This consequently reveals the cruciality of deception as a survival mechanic in the political world. Through this adverse presentation of Wag the Dog’s protagonist Brean, Levinson’s misandry towards politics is asserted through his emulation of the political world. Your response is definitely quite sophisticated. What is lacking is the coherence that would be present if your initial thesis in the introduction was super clear. The thesis is what I commented on earlier, commenting that it might not be totally digestable. When that is really clear, you can make a really conscious effort to include it in every paragraph consistently.

Similarly, Raymond Briggs scrutinises the world of politics to be amoral in his picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Throughout the narrative, the two primary figures of the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman are portrayed as indifferent through their dismissive mentality associated with impulsive actions. The salience of the Tin Pot Foreign general created through an excessively large depiction occupying an entire page coupled with his motivations stemming from desire of recognition as demonstrated in the passage ‘He wanted to do something Historical, so that his name would be printed in all the big History Books.’ Briggs portrays the General as superficial in his motivations engendered by lust for acknowledgement not only in ordinary ‘History Books’ but rather ‘big history books’ thus accentuating a shallow representation of political figures as pretentious. Likewise, the rationale fostered by the Old Iron Woman mimics that of the Tin Pot Foreign General as demonstrated through an ostentatious display of wealth. The indication in the text  “She poured out tons of treasure from her huge chest” highlights the cosmetic value through emphasis on ‘treasure’ and the superficial connotations of her ‘chest’, an external feature. Thus the corresponding characters the Tin Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman fosters Briggs contemptuous impression on the political world as accommodating of the negative attribute of cynicism and reveals the realities in which political agendas are materialistic to the degree of which they cater for merely appearance. Again, your language and analysis is sophisticated and flows well. The only thing missing is a direct tie to the thesis in the introduction. You should be really proud of this.

Although the evidently unfavourable representations of the political world allow the audience to digest the tyranny, it is through the exploration of their effects on society which allows the audience to see the deplorable realities enkindled by the political world. Levinson appeals to the innocence of society through their naivety as seen by their unwavering belief of accounts presented to them, including the fictional war created by Brean and his political team. As society is revealed to be fooled by the machinations of the political world, the negative effects can be seen through the capitalisation by businesses through merchandising. This is incrementally revealed through separate close up shots of apparel with slogans ‘Fuck A Albania’ and ‘Bring’ em home’. Additionally, the plot to reignite the fake Albanian war hoax through the introduction of a war hero known as Schumann was made feasible with media encouragement, a trade which seeks profit. Ultimately, it is suggested that the president is re-elected as a result of misinformation and the masterful scheme orchestrated by the political team to persuade society into adopting their desired viewpoints, thus questioning the morality of those affiliated with the political world through undeviating commitment through unethical procedures of manipulation, as entitled by their occupation at the expense of virtue. After two paragraphs of not much feedback, I decided to be extra critical of this paragraph. Your textual evidence isn't as strong as it could be. You talk about the text and it's plot in a very sophisticated way which is wonderful. However, I am left wishing that you made at least three textual references per paragraph so that the paragraph is really meaty. You've analysed the close up shots well. If you can do that twice more, then that's great. If possible, even get a textual reference (quote or otherwise) and find two techniques in it. This makes your analysis even stronger. For example, you could say that a quote uses personification to emphasis emotion, but the second person pronoun to engage the reader, strengthening the emotion further. (Just an example). So if you have the opportunity, you should definitely meat-up your paragraph just that tiny bit more. No one is questioning your understanding of the texts, that is just brilliant. It's a matter of now just absolutely NAILING it and making sure you leave no room for possibility of doubt.

Likewise, Raymond Briggs explores the exploits exploitations the political world through an exploration consequences of political endeavours on society. The colourful illustrations of smoke throughout the battle scene is utilised to cover the casualties of war represent the political world to be deceitful as they attempt to hide the horrors of war in a flamboyant display power. Furthermore, the vigour entitled by the repetition of jarring and blunt bolded letters ‘BANG’ in this scene additionally magnifies the motivation of political idols to be for personal gain in an attempt exhibit power. However, the impassioned conflict ensuing excitement through the employment of bright reds, oranges, yellows and purples is starkly contrasted with the subsequent scenes in which montone illustrations are presented with short sentences illustrating the severity of reality. As the narrative reveals that ‘Some men were drowned’ and ‘Some men were shot’ accompanied by black and white sketches, a solemn tone is established. Themes of fatality originating from ‘drowned’ and ‘shot’ highlights the catastrophic reverberations derived from political initiatives, these of which are masked as the Old Iron Woman rejects the injured ‘in case the sight of them spoiled the rejoicing’, emphasising the manipulative behaviour of political figures as adverse as the ‘families of the dead’ were left to ‘[tend] the graves’. Through exposing these ignorant actions, Levinson effectively comments on the decaying moral behaviours of political figures due to the inherent degenerate nature vital to enduring in the political world.

Thus the shared perspectives of the film Wag the Dog by Barry Levinson and the picture book The Tin-pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman explores the impact of political act on the lives of society. Through correlating the conniving nature of politics with the negative repercussions experienced by society, the two composers successfully convey their shared prejudices against political motivations and connote their disapproval through reflection on the ramifications caused by political operations. It is my advice that conclusions should always be a direct attack on the essay question and that they should not include the names of the texts if possible. The simple reason for this is: The text names start to sound like a list, and you want to leave the marker with a really good taste of your essay in this last instance. Dealing with each text in its own sentence ensures that your conclusion has good length and you are doing justice to each of your arguments.

So, I wrote most of my comments throughout the essay. But, to summarise:

-You deal with representation well. I think you are slightly less adequately dealing with representation as a deliberate act. Obviously every composer does something with a purpose. You've just got to bring that purpose to the surface (ha that rhymes) and show the marker that you're ready to tackle the question.

-The opening thesis needs a bit of work to make sure it is original, unique, and relevant. When that is made more digestable, you can sew it through the rest of the essay really well!

-In each paragraph, aim for three really solid pieces of textual evidence. Your understanding of the text is unquestionable to me, but you want to make sure that every person agrees that your work is so wonderful. Deep textual analysis will usually do that for you.

-Your vocabulary is great! You don't ever sound repetitive.

In all, this is a great essay and you should be very very proud. Coming up to trials, you have the opportunity now to go back and refine a bit more to make sure that you're optimising the sophistication of the essay!

Please let me know if you have any questions. Happy to answer back! Good luck