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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 702392 times)

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Jimmy Barnes

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #315 on: June 30, 2016, 03:54:05 pm »
This is a basic module C essay I have made that I plan on making adaptable for the HSC and I was wondering if you would be able to give me any pointers or advice that would help.
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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #316 on: July 01, 2016, 03:34:45 pm »
This is a basic module C essay I have made that I plan on making adaptable for the HSC and I was wondering if you would be able to give me any pointers or advice that would help.

Hey there! I'll take a look right now :)

Original:
Spoiler
According to the 17th century playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s metonymic adage, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’. This assertion reverberates throughout history as various composers exemplify this notion, using their literary prowess to represent political motivations and the subsequent affects these motivations have on people and society. These political perspectives portrayed and criticised by the composer are often at odds with their moral, ethical and logical values, as typified in W.H. Auden’s poems, The Shield Of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, which all (Create Thesis)

W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis).

Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).














Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis).

Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting the lose of emotional stability, Vonnegut’s creation of Billy serves as a literary manifestation of the innumerable combatants within war who have lost their emotional capacity, attacking the political powers at play that have sent these men to war. The use of ‘so it goes’ within the quote serves as an epigrammatical phrase that de-emphasises the death bestrewn throughout the novel, acting as a metaphorical and symbolic scar from war, a scar that removes any emotional connection to death, ‘His wife died … so it goes’. After witnessing his wife die, Billy remains indifferent entirely after acknowledging his nihilistic viewpoint, that that’s how it goes. It is from his war experiences that this callous nihilism fosters, war which Vonnegut detests and attempts to dissuade thousands of men from joining in despite the contextual political whims in 1960’s America, (Integrate Thesis).

Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features.

With comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
According to the 17th century playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s metonymic adage, ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’. This assertion reverberates throughout history as various composers exemplify this notion, using their literary prowess to represent political motivations and the subsequent affects these motivations have on people and society. These political perspectives portrayed and criticised by the composer are often at odds with their moral, ethical and logical values, as typified in W.H. Auden’s poems, The Shield Of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5, which all (Create Thesis) Using the adage is a really unique way to start your essay. I think it works really well. Being completely honest, I was skeptical. Often people start with quotes and they don't make it purposeful. But you've linked this very adequately. I can't wait to see what you do with a thesis! This is a potential idea, it doesn't necessarily have to be followed through. But you don't deal explicitly with "sword" in the adage. This definitely isn't a problem, but you could consider tying that in as well. Like, talking about how the authors wrote in times of physical turbulence, but opted for the pen over the sword. Just an idea :)

W.H. Auden’s poem derived from Homer’s The Iliad, The Shield of Achilles delves into Auden’s animosity towards totalitarian regimes and the way in which they relegate the individual through the juxtaposition of The Iliad’s myth against Auden’s modernity, thus (Integrate Thesis). Everything in this last sentence is great - except that when you integrate the thesis, it will become a very very long sentence. So be prepared to split it in an exam :) This pejorative representation of contextual regimes is inscribed on Achilles’ shield, picturing, ‘A million eyes, a million boots in line, Without expression, waiting for a sign’. Auden’s synecdochic dehumanisation of the people and soldiers construes them as a means to an end, stripping all individuality, further reinforced by their expressionless obsequiousness, their inability for independent thought, reminiscent of contextual regimes under Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin. Your sentences are proving jam packed! You've got great stuff here,  but it is super long. Consider splitting the sentences to make them more digestible. This concept of the loss of individuality under totalitarian regimes is made further poignant through the juxtaposition Auden’s modern reality against the Iliad’s more vibrant and classical imagery, ‘Hephaestus, hobbled away … Iron-hearted man-slaying Achilles, who would not live long’. Debasing the Iliad’s myth of Hephaestus creating Achilles’ intricate shield, Auden depicts Hephaestus hobbling away in anguish after foretelling Achilles’ death. Hephaestus serves as a literary manifestation of Auden, creating a reality where Achilles ‘would not live long’, compounding the inevitability and hopelessness of death under totalitarian regimes, which Auden was entirely averse towards, thus (Integrate Thesis). I think you need a bit more reference to the people and politics connection. You reference both, but don't connect the two. This very well could be because your thesis isn't integrated yet, and your thesis is likely to make a comment on the relationship between people and politics.

Auden’s critique of political perspectives and people that are antithetical to his own continue throughout his poetry, extending into his debasement upon the ballad form, O what is that sound, which (Integrate Thesis). Establishing the poem to address overarching political regimes through the sibilant use of ‘scarlet soldiers’ to represent the force of a monarchy, Auden compounds this assertion when he says, ‘No, I promised to love you, dear, But now I must be leaving’. Putting a modernist spin on the work, Auden undermines the archetypical foundation of ballad, a foundation built on glory and a climax where a hero overcomes a seemingly unstoppable force. However Auden’s adaptation serves to reflect reality, where the hero must flee to escape the ‘scarlet soldiers’ and leave their spouse to see that ‘Their feet are heavy on the floor and their eyes are burning’. This is a good spot to make a people and politics reference - the hero and the soldiers.Previously establishing that the remaining person is ‘kneeling’, Auden’s synecdochic symbolism when characterising their ‘eyes’ and ‘feet’ suggests that there is nothing a common person can do to resist the ‘scarlet soldiers’. Extrapolating from these hints bestrewn throughout the poem, Auden depicts the inability of commoners to live in peace, to prosper and to survive under regimes similar to those with ‘scarlet soldiers’, overarching, monarchic regimes, thus (Integrate Thesis).

Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 depicts the exploits of Billy Pilgrim throughout WWII as a medium for criticising the current politics of the Vietnamese war and the people spearheading it, (Integrate Thesis). This notion is first presented when Mary makes an ironic dichotomy, saying ‘You were just babies in the war … You’ll pretend you were men instead of babies … war will look just wonderful’. Characterising the fighting men as ‘babies’, Vonnegut instigates his critique upon the misguided machismo attitudes presented throughout literature and perpetuated by President Johnson’s hyper-masculine rhetoric that persuaded ‘men’ to serve in Vietnam. Good reference! Really strong!This man vs. baby binary created by Vonnegut to question the glory of war is reified when Vonnegut ironically characterises the fighting men as ‘Foolish virgins …right at the end of childhood’. Vonnegut’s metaphor foregrounds the ignorance and innocence of young men that are coerced to participate in war as they are only ‘foolish virgins’. Thus, Vonnegut’s composition aims to subvert the current glorification of war in literature and disrupt the cultural mythology, which, along with the contextual president Johnson, perpetuates and worships war as a medium for turning boys into men, when in fact it simply deprives men of their compassion, reason and personhood, thus (Integrate Thesis). When you talk about literature, I recall the adage at the beginning of the poem. Is it possible for you to bring forward,and reference the adage throughout the poem? Just another thought! Your work is really wonderful, so I'm looking for ways to really extend it further, but it comes don to your personal understanding and style!

Vonnegut’s critique of political motivations in the Vietnamese war pervades the novel, however however doesn't seem like the right connector. they develop from criticising the masculine nature of war. As Vonnegut experienced the war, he experienced first hand the havoc it creates on the human psyche, its ability to emotionally and psychologically cripple combatants, thus (Integrate Thesis). This concept is elucidated upon during Billy’s stream of consciousness, ‘Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say … so it goes’. Explicitly depicting the lose loss of emotional stability, Vonnegut’s creation of Billy serves as a literary manifestation of the innumerable combatants within war who have lost their emotional capacity, attacking the political powers at play that have sent these men to war. The use of ‘so it goes’ within the quote serves as an epigrammatical phrase that de-emphasises the death bestrewn throughout the novel, acting as a metaphorical and symbolic scar from war, a scar that removes any emotional connection to death, ‘His wife died … so it goes’. After witnessing his wife die, Billy remains indifferent entirely after acknowledging his nihilistic viewpoint, that that’s how it goes. It is from his war experiences that this callous nihilism fosters, war which Vonnegut detests and attempts to dissuade thousands of men from joining in despite the contextual political whims in 1960’s America, (Integrate Thesis). Great analysis! As usual!

Both W.H. Auden’s Shield of Achilles and O what is that sound along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 serve as poignant reminders of their composers’ realities, insulated and concealed in the guise of literature. It is through these works that the composers’ respective political motivations emerge, along with the impacts that they have on society, which ultimately portray (Integrate Thesis) through a variety of textual forms and features.  This needs to be longer. I suggest dealing with each of the two texts in a separate sentence :)

You've done a great job - this was super difficult to flaw! I've more suggested things to extend the essay, if you have the time or will to do so. You should be super proud of this.

Have you got a plan about how you will formulate your thesis? That is the next step :) Will it be on the spot in the exam? Or will you prepare several and adapt in the exam? Your thesis may be the difference between bands.

Consider weaving the adage subtly throughout further. It might jus give the essay a boost of integrity :)
Good luck! You've done an awesome job :)
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likeneverbefore

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #317 on: July 03, 2016, 03:32:52 pm »
Hi there :)

I was wondering whether you could have a look at my MOD A essay (Richard III and LFR). Please be as harsh as possible ;D!

Thank you so so much!!!
Jack

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #318 on: July 03, 2016, 05:27:04 pm »
Hi!!  :) Here's my module A essay; I really am struggling with this module, I can't seem to get it right  >:( The feedback given by my teacher was that it had too many "sweeping statements" and poor clarity of expression. I really hated the structure we were given (as soon as I stop integrating my essay falls apart) so I tried to fix the whole thing up again; basically starting from scratch.  :-[

Please be harsh on it, I want to (and really need to) get this essay done right  :D
Thanks  :) :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #319 on: July 03, 2016, 08:57:10 pm »
Hi there :)

I was wondering whether you could have a look at my MOD A essay (Richard III and LFR). Please be as harsh as possible ;D!

Thank you so so much!!!
Jack

Hey Jack!! Thanks for posting your essay, and welcome to the forums!!  ;D

Unfortunately we have a restriction for essay marking, you must have 5 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you would like marked. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible for active members of the ATAR Notes community. Since this is your first essay, you just need 5 posts, the next one will need another 5, etc etc  ;D

Full rules on essay marking are available at the link in my signature below  ;D

You only need another 4 posts! You can come say hi or ask a question in our HSC Discussion Thread, ask a question in one of our forums, anything you like! As soon as you hit 5 posts just message me or post again in this thread and either Elyse or myself will definitely give you some great feedback!  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #320 on: July 03, 2016, 10:33:01 pm »
Hi!!  :) Here's my module A essay; I really am struggling with this module, I can't seem to get it right  >:( The feedback given by my teacher was that it had too many "sweeping statements" and poor clarity of expression. I really hated the structure we were given (as soon as I stop integrating my essay falls apart) so I tried to fix the whole thing up again; basically starting from scratch.  :-[

Please be harsh on it, I want to (and really need to) get this essay done right  :D
Thanks  :) :)

Hey Brontem! Essay attached, I will be harsh   ;) however, I can't scrutinise it perfectly without seeing the question, so remember to consider my feedback in terms of what is being asked!  ;D

Spoiler
Societal values and contextual influences can either support or obstruct a leader’s endeavour to seize, gain and maintain power. I'd like to see another sentence to support this Thesis. How is this true? (you'd likely make some references to leaders needing to either abide by the social constructs of their context, or attempt to challenge them, something like that). This Thesis works well, but it could be better. The political ideologies within the process of the gaining and maintenance of power are explored in both Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince and Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Both Machiavelli and Shakespeare examine naïve political idealism juxtaposed to the darker side of human nature – that is, the need to gain power through deceit, manipulation and brutality. Fantastic. The essential difference in the texts, whilst exploring similar ideals, is how the values of each writer’s context are responded to. Slightly off expression there, try saying something like "how the composers responded to their respective contexts," or something. Machiavelli subverts the religious and political views of Renaissance Florence, completely rejecting the highly held principle of inherent morality. Shakespeare, through demonstrating both a Machiavellian and Elizabethan perspective on the approaches to power, examines the effectiveness of a leader's pursuit for power in respect to context. The contextual influence of each composer allows for differing perspectives on the pursuit of power to be heightened when considering the values of each society. On the whole, a great Thesis to start you off here! Well done.

A leader who moves beyond contextual confines will have a more effective approach to gaining power. This is a nice idea, but again, I'd like you to flesh this out a little more! Why is this true? Machiavelli crafted The Prince to advocate that political leaders have to operate outside the ethical and religious boundaries to be successful; however brutal or morally abhorrent the means. Remove the word "the" in that sentence, but good. Machiavelli endorses the notion of using pragmatic strategies to assist in the quest to seize and maintain power. Machiavelli subverts the highly held moral virtues of Renaissance Florence, and places increased value on brutal approaches to power. I think you can try and make these initial statements a little more succinct, try and blend it into less sentences. You should be into textual analysis by now. The moral dogma of the need for leaders to be virtuous and strive for inherent goodness is radically dismissed by Machiavelli; the declaratory statement “exploit the man and the beast in himself to the full” is in total contrast to the Renaissance values, where man should strive for inherent goodness. Good contextual link. Machiavelli’s values towards seizing power are totally divorced from common morality; “a leader will have to stop being good, when the occasion demands” emphasizes the significance that Machiavelli places on using brutality and pragmatism when requesting power. Technique? Machiavelli illustrates his brutal approach to gaining power through the fox and lion analogy, Machiavelli’s assertion of the use of pragmatism so that “the ends justify the means” exemplifies his total dismissal of morality and the value placed on using brutality to gain power. Be sure to conclude every paragraph with an appropriate summative sentence. EG - "Therefore, it is clear how Machiavelli...: A solid paragraph overall.

Machiavelli’s perspective on endorsing brutality in the pursuit of power is heightened by Shakespeare in Julius Caesar. Fantastic that you've linked the texts here, absolutely vital if you are choosing not to integrate. However, again I'm looking for a little more depth, exactly why does Shakespeare support the perspective, for example? Antony subverts the values of society, being pragmatic, cold and ruthless when it is needed - elements of Machiavelli’s ideal leader. Antony’s ruthlessness highlighted by his soliloquy; his theomorphic description of the crowd as “the dogs of war” highlights his highly perceptive nature, where he understands that the masses must be deceived if he wishes to gain their power. WARNING: You MUST attribute all techniques to Shakespeare. These last two sentences need to be reworked to focus on how Shakespeare has CRAFTED the character of Antony. As soon as you start discussing the character by themselves, you have slipped into retell. This is reminiscent of Machiavelli’s belief that the masses “consist chiefly of the vulgar… so ready to be conned”. Good textual link. Antony's brutality is exemplified in the execution of his nephew and 100 senators, a principle which Machiavelli held to much value; to "eliminate them or destroy them utterly" and justifying any destruction to gain power. Try not to use plot details as evidence, focus on TECHNIQUES! Antony enriches the Machiavellian perspective whilst fulfilling his own political agenda, using manipulation to shift the political stance. Antony’s funeral oratory is his ultimate conquer in his pursuit for power; the repetition of “honourable men” when referencing Brutus and Cassius’ role in the murder of Caesar undermines and disproves their legitimacy. Antony’s tonal shifts and rhetorical questions; “was this ambition?” allow for subliminal suggestion to the masses and cons them into believing Antony’s perspective. Again, shift the focus to Shakespeare. Further, I'm looking for what this shows the audience BEYOND the confines of this text. What does it show us about brutality in the pursuit of power? Antony gains control of the crowd, their manipulation emphasised in their monosyllabic cries “Burn! Fire! Kill!” supporting Machiavelli’s belief the crowd is “so gullible”. Shakespeare incorporates elements of physical theatre, such as weeping and positioning himself within the crowd to allow the crowd to mould to Antony’s personal bias. Antony is the ideal leader in the Machiavellian perspective, as he, much like Borgia, another one of Machiavelli’s model rulers, is “so good at hiding his intentions”. Antony’s brutal perspective, which aligns with that of Machiavellis, exemplifies how using deception and immoral tactics can assist in the conquest for power. This paragraph has some great techniques and analysis, but you need to take a step away from Antony and his effect on the crowd, and instead focus on how Shakespeare CREATED/FRAMED Antony in order to communicate the gullibility of audiences and the power of manipulation. Further, I don't think this analysis quite backs up your opening sentence in this paragraph, it is more a commentary on manipulation than brutality.

A leader who decides to act within societal confines and respects morality will have difficulty in the acquisition of power, as value placed on morality will result in an irresponsible use of authority. This has a little more depth than your other concepts, great! The Elizabethan values and beliefs, asserting the religious and political legitimacy of the Natural Order which held the Monarch’s role inviolate are represented by Shakespeare to convey the effectiveness on acting within moral boundaries. Fantastic start to the paragraph! Shakespeare, through Brutus, examines the approach to power that respects the Elizabethan values of the divinity of the monarch. Brutus is arrogantly preoccupied by honour and morality – his insistent tone in being “sacrificers, not butchers” blinds him from the realities of the brutality of power. Again, Shakespeare's use of insistent dialogue is what is at play here! It is in this sense that Brutus Machiavelli’s textbook political failure, a Machiavellian leader would not let Antony live, the Machiavellian directive principle to “pamper people or destroy them” would ensure that Antony would not disrupt Brutus’ quest for power. Shakespeare represents Brutus as an inadequate leader; by irresponsibly letting Antony conduct his funeral speech, Brutus exemplifies the Machiavellian understanding that “if a man can’t spot a problem in the making, he can’t be a wise leader”, and that a ruler must be perceptive in order to assess an opponent. This paragraph does not have the same level of evidence as your first two, it creates a fairly large imbalance.

The values held by society can influence how a leader can accomplish the acquisition and preservation of authority. The ruthlessness of a leader is defined by the parameters of their society; and although both Shakespeare and Machiavelli deal with the importance of technicalities during the seize of power, how successful each leader is, is dependent on how they respond to the status quo of their context. A nice and succinct conclusion, I think this works well, but I'd like to see greater reference to how each was influenced by their context (the focus of the module should always be re-affirmed in the conclusion.

I think this is a great start of an essay framework here!! Some really great ideas and excellent knowledge of text are demonstrated, your Thesis is really well framed and sets up the essay nicely. Good choice of textual references and effective techniques, fantastic work there.

My first question: Is there a reason you aren't integrating? If you prefer an integrated response, it works really well in this module especially. The reason I say this is I feel like your last paragraph is lacking the same depth as the others, and since it discusses Shakespeare's text primarily, it creates an imbalance. This is very hard to address in a non-integrated response without a fourth paragraph: Any reason you have chosen this structure?

I would say you still have some "sweeping statements" in areas, first area I'd highlight is your motherhood statements. For example:

Machiavelli’s perspective on endorsing brutality in the pursuit of power is heightened by Shakespeare in Julius Caesar.

This is your opening for paragraph 2, I'd consider this a sweeping statement. It doesn't give Shakespeare much time, just says basically that he copied. I'd like to see you delve into how and why it was supported by Shakespeare, what contextual influences did he draw upon? Just to give it a little more depth.

My second recommendation would be improving your textual analysis. A few things: Remember to always focus on techniques, never use plot details as evidence. Further, always reference the composer, not the character. If you start talking about, for example, Antony's use of rhetoric technique, you have gone too text focused and need to take a step back. Finally, you need to relate your examples to the comparative study a little bit more. Instead of just saying what the technique does WITHIN the text, say what it shows the audience about the nature of power, or brutality, etc.

Basically, with this module, you need to do the usual thing: Give a technique and show how it gives greater meaning about some concept to the audience. The demands of Module A also require you to explain how this meaning is enhanced by doing this with two texts at the same time. This adds an additional layer. This additional layer you've done quite well, the texts are linked nicely throughout! You just need to do the core bits of analysis a little better to back yourself up. Technique, what does the composer want to say about power and why (context), and how does the use of the technique teach something to the audience. Rinse, repeat  ;D


So you need to take this draft and:

  • Add some detail/"oomph" to your conceptual statements at the start of each paragraph
  • Improve the quality of your analysis, particularly in Paragraphs 2/3
  • Ensure you are continually focusing on the concept you are discussing, and not going off track. Be succinct and direct.
  • As you work, keep considering things like including more context, including more evidence, linking the texts more effectively, etc etc. Always room for improvement  ;)

I hope this was adequately harsh  ;) and I seriously hope it helps!! Feel free to yell at me for being unclear and I'll happily elaborate on my points (although I am mostly out of action for the next couple of nights, I should still be poking my head around)  ;D

brontem

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #321 on: July 03, 2016, 11:16:29 pm »
Thanks so much :) I'll take your advice on board for sure  :) I wasn't integrating before because we were given a structure to use (which went down terribly) and now I can't get my head around doing it any other way  :-\ I forgot to mention that this was just a generic essay that I want to get down pat and make it as adaptable as possible.  I'll fix it up, change it and bring it back, thanks again!!  ;D

Jimmy Barnes

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #322 on: July 04, 2016, 01:41:34 pm »


You've done a great job - this was super difficult to flaw! I've more suggested things to extend the essay, if you have the time or will to do so. You should be super proud of this.

Have you got a plan about how you will formulate your thesis? That is the next step :) Will it be on the spot in the exam? Or will you prepare several and adapt in the exam? Your thesis may be the difference between bands.

Consider weaving the adage subtly throughout further. It might jus give the essay a boost of integrity :)
Good luck! You've done an awesome job :)

Thanks a tonne and yes I plan on integrating the adage into the thesis that I make, i've made a few changes due to your feedback and I really appreciate it
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

likeneverbefore

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #323 on: July 04, 2016, 03:42:06 pm »
HI there its me again haha

Sorry i didnt see the 5 posts thing before! Haha i went and helped a few people in Chemistry so got my 5 posts YAY!

Thank you for taking your time to help me with my mod A essay. PLEASE BUTCHER IT! BE HARSH ;D ;D ;D




brontem

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #324 on: July 04, 2016, 05:08:01 pm »
Hey!! Back again  ;D I did another re-work of it based on the comments; I also tried my best to integrate it.
Please, pull it apart and be harsh again  :) I appreciate the help.
Thanks  :D :D

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #325 on: July 05, 2016, 08:21:45 pm »
HI there its me again haha

Sorry i didnt see the 5 posts thing before! Haha i went and helped a few people in Chemistry so got my 5 posts YAY!

Thank you for taking your time to help me with my mod A essay. PLEASE BUTCHER IT! BE HARSH ;D ;D ;D

Hey!! Back again  ;D I did another re-work of it based on the comments; I also tried my best to integrate it.
Please, pull it apart and be harsh again  :) I appreciate the help.
Thanks  :D :D

Hey to the both of you! I'll get to marking both of your essays tomorrow! Stay tuned :) Thanks for your patience!
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likeneverbefore

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #326 on: July 05, 2016, 08:57:32 pm »
Thank you so much!!! <3 I really appreciate it! :)

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #327 on: July 06, 2016, 08:07:19 pm »
Thank you so much!!! <3 I really appreciate it! :)

Back again! Sorry about that. I'm having a few days in Melbourne and the wifi at the Hotel works for three hours at a time, and then you renew it. And my sister was all sneaky and jumped on and got the next 3 hour time slot for our room! So I used my phone to jump on and message you both but it's too hard to go through an essay on my phone. Anywaaaaay, thanks for reading my autobiography ;) Back to your work!

I'll give it my best shot! You have a very broad question to work with here! It's excellent for a preparation essay, because it gives you a lot of scope to work with, so you really consolidate knowledge from far and wide.

Here is your essay in the spoiler below, with my own comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
While Richard III and Looking for Richard are products of different contexts, their intimate links enhance our understanding of the enduring complexity of human nature. Really glad that you chose to take on something like the complexity of human nature, rather than just agreeing to the question! However, I would either add another sentence to flesh this idea out more in the next sentence, or, keep the next sentence as is, but deal more explicitly with the "complexity of the human nature."Shakespeare’s play Richard III reflects the Elizabethan belief of a divinely ordained order and its strict Christian sense of morality by condemning Richard’s pursuit of kingship while highlighting the dangerous power of deception. Al Pacino’s 1996 docudrama Looking for Richard is more sympathetic to Richard’s actions, taking a more ambiguous postmodern approach to villainy yet mirrors the play’s didacticism by portraying the destructive consequences of deceit.  I think it could be made clearer that the docudrama was made with intentions of reshaping the original. Perhaps outline these intentions and motives. I'm not sure if I'm wording it correctly, but basically I think that connecting the two despite their different time periods as more than a coincidence is necessary.By studying both texts in parallel, we Perhaps you'd prefer to say "a modern audience" instead of we?recognise the continued relevance of Shakespeare’s play today and celebrate art’s enduring ability to illuminate the timeless issues at the heart of humanity.

Within a theocratic context, power is perceived as both bestowed and ultimately revoked by divine grace. If not in the first sentence, then in the second sentence, the complexity of human nature should be dealt with. Consider your essay like a cake and your thesis statement (the one about the complexity of human nature) is the flavour. But then each layer in the cake is different, like jam, sponge, cream. So even though each layer is different, you have to know it is from that same cake, which is where you link it back to the original thesis. Each paragraph starter can be seen as a chip off the block of the thesis statement. Shakespeare’s exaggerated portrayal of Richard’s diabolical “deformity” serves, not only to justify the reign of the Tudors (to suit the then-current Monarch...)but embodies his spiritual corruption and obsessive thirst for kingship. By this stage I want to see your original thesis again, the complexity of human nature. Just to give it a good link so that the marker knows you have direction. He characterises Richard as a Medieval Vice character, “determined to prove a villain”, the pun “determined” foreshadowing Richard’s defiance of God’s order that challenges the providential worldview. The dramatic irony of Richard’s aside “I do love thee... so send thy soul to heaven” conveys his abandonment of all moral values in his pursuit for power, evident in the murder of his own brother Clarence. His contempt for faith and piety is exemplified by his willingness to ironically adopt the guise of a man of religion, positioned between two priests I'd identify the scene number here. You definitely don't need to identify the scene every time you reference the text, but here is a time where the marker has to think "mm...where was that again?" because after reading hundreds of essays, they are being thrown all over the book. So identification of the scene won't hurt, or necessarily gain, but it's worth adding.. Yet when Buckingham calls the citizens to demand Richard seizes the throne, the citizens’ metaphorical “stony” silence symbolises the theocentric society’s loyal adherence to religious beliefs and ultimately condemns Richard’s power as only transitionary and fragile (A really good time to link power to the complexity of human nature!). Richmond’s closing benedictory couplet that “peace lives again…God say amen” asserts the workings of providence where Richard’s death symbolises the restoration of divine order. While Richard’s immoral rise to power induces hyperbolic “destruction, blood, and massacre”, it is ironically countered by his reduction to the bestial motif of a “hunted boar”. Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power. Great last sentence here, really to the point, and very true. Consider the context more, throughout the paragraph but also in this last sentence. Yes Shakespeare conveys that all humanity is subject to a greater divine power, but what makes him think this way and Pacino does not? What is it about the Monarch and the demographic he presented to that required him to talk about divinity in humanity? You talk about the secular society next, so just to give that a nice foundation, we have to build the context up here.

Within a secular contemporary society, Pacino affirms Shakespeare’s perspective on the corrupting lure of power as an unavoidable aspect of human nature. Great link! The humorously sincere tone of a British man describing Shakespeare as “a great export” reveals the capitalist values of Pacino’s society underpinned by power as a human construct. Pacino’s dream to make Shakespeare more accessible to the everyman despite vox pops “it sucks” parallels Richard’s Machiavellian desire to “prove a villain”, highlighting the continued relevance of Shakespeare’s art as human behaviour has not changed. The intertextual allusion to Pacino as a colloquial “Don” contextualises his grip on power for the modern audience where his riding crop serves as a modern symbol for power and his black attire is metaphoric of Richard’s dark Machiavellian character. While Pacino asserts that Richard “has let the pursuit of power totally corrupt him,” he does not condemn Richard for his immoral deeds, rather the participle “let” suggests his villainy stems from society’s devilish judgement of his deformity, thus reshaping Richard not as an evil usurper, but as a cunning politician. Pacino revels in Richard’s intelligence, energy and success, where the abrupt cut to his exultant exclamation “Ha!” when Richard succeeds in seducing Anne creates a feeling of triumph in combination with the non-diegetic music. Hence, Richard’s plans, although still appearing as evil are reshaped so the audience, like co-conspirators, is able to admire their ingenuity This sentence is a bit all over the place. I read it each time differently because the commas made me read it differently to how I planned and then it made the verb agreement awkward. Try rewrite this sentence to something like, "Richard's plans still appear evil as they did in Shakespeare's play, so that the audience is able to admire their ingenuity.". The cross-cutting between costumed scenes, rehearsals and recurrent close ups blur Pacino’s celebrity status and Richard’s villainy together, leading to greater ambiguity in Richard’s depiction. Hence, divine retribution is replaced by a respectful “silence” where Richard’s death evokes sympathy and transforms him into a tragic hero of his own constructed existence. Something that I'm noticing in this paragraph is full of tiny quotes. Short quotes are great for embedding, which your paragraph definitely benefits from because it reads so smoothly. However, I think it could benefit from a larger quote that provides more scope. The perfect place for this in my head is towards the start of the paragraph where the intentions of Pacino are outlined. He deals with this explicitly in the text, so you'll be able to find a quote if you choose to go that way :)


Duplicity and deceit must inevitably face divine retribution within a theocentric context marked by moral absolutism. Shakespeare’s consistent iambic pentameter structurally embodies the belief that conscience and moral beliefs defined by Christian doctrines are the essence of our humanity. Great stuff! Richard’s inner moral corruption is symbolised by his hunchback appearance as he is diabolically “deformed, unfinished”, conveying that God recognises evil and physically marks those who embody it. However, his kaleidoscope of archetypal roles from the loyal “Queen’s abject” to the “lover” and to the “Christian prince” represents his ability to metaphorically “clothe [his] villainy” beneath his duplicitous facade. The contextual belief that attractive guises mask the dangerous allure of evil is evident in Richard’s passionate declaration to Lady Anne by personifying her beauty, “that did haunt me in my sleep”, undermined by the dramatic irony of his earlier assertion that he “cannot prove a lover”. Ironically, Richard becomes a victim of his own deceit where his despairing soliloquy that “if I die no soul shall pity me” encapsulates Shakespeare’s moral didacticism that deceptive individuals must inevitably face divine sanction. Hence, Richard’s death symbolises the consequences of disregarding the moral framework that underpins the pious Elizabethan society. Connect the moral framework to the human nature and to the context again :)
In contrast, Pacino’s depiction of the nature and consequences of deception is devoid of the moral certainty of Shakespeare’s era. Pacino encapsulates the post-modern idea of existence as a metaphoric “insubstantial pageant”, suggesting life as an illusionary performance that cannot provide us with the truth and moral certainty we seek. Hence, Pacino revels in Richard’s ability to construct the truth, evident in the film’s docudrama form that blurs reality and illusion through cross cuts between rehearsals, discussions and staged performances. While Pacino’s varied costuming reflects the multiplicity of Richard’s guises, the chiaroscuro lighting of Pacino’s face that symbolises the duality between Richard’s facades and his innate deceitful nature, represents his moral ambivalence towards the destructive potential of deceit. The mis en scene that places Richard alone, helpless and seemingly innocent, encapsulates contemporary society’s lack of trust in modern day politics condemning deceit as harder to expose underneath their metaphorical “canvases…complete with lies” in his morally ambiguous society. Yet, like Shakespeare, Pacino believes that deception is punished, where the close-up camera work allowing access into the internal conflict of Richard, “I am a villain. Yet I lie. I am not.” omits divine retribution and instead reveals Richard’s psychological fragmentation as the ultimate consequence. While Pacino celebrates our ability to don different masks, he exposes the destructive power of deception as rampant in both the Elizabethan and his contemporary society. I'll make a comment at the end about this :)
Changing social paradigms directly affects the way the texts are understood. Both texts exemplify the corrupting attraction of power, yet express different views on the nature of our existence. While Shakespeare teaches a strong moral lesson, Pacino intertwines a traditional play with post-modernism to effectively bridge the gap between a moral universe and an individualistic society. Pacino delights in Shakespeare’s plays, connecting us to the enduring exploration of the complexity of human behaviour.
You've got a good length conclusion here! It could benefit from tying in all your main arguments together. Tie in deceit in here somewhere :)


Great work!

It's hard to make consistent comments throughout this essay just because your actual paragraph content and structure is generally excellent, except for one thing:
The way you weave an argument through.

So, you're ahead of a lot of people because you understanding that you can't just agree with the question, and each paragraph needs a direction. You totally get that, which is great to see!

Things you need to deal with in each paragraph:
1. The essay question (context - highly requires linking the texts. This was done at the beginning of each Pacino paragraph, but it would be great to see more references in those paragraphs to "unlike Shakespeare..." or "As an adaptation of Shakespeare's..."
2. Your own thesis: Human nature and its complexity.
3. The direction of the paragraph (eg. Power).

The tricky bit is that you can't deal with them all in isolation and you also can't deal with them all at once without some very conscious thinking and a big effort. But, you're definitely on the right track. Currently, you're topping and tailing every paragraph. The feedback from the marking centre each year has said that students do this, but it needs to be taken further. So to pull you out of how most other students will do this, you need to link throughout the paragraphs as well. Like I said, this isn't an easy job, but because you've topped and tailed each paragraph already, it's just about colouring in the lines. If you go two sentences without linking to element 1, 2 or 3, then go back and weave it in there somewhere. And, make sure that 1, 2 and 3 are all dealt with at some point in the paragraph. It is a bit of a tedious thing to do, and I'm just giving you basic instructions with the hope that you'll be able to take it further when you find your own style for doing it. I know that your work is good. You have a great understanding of the texts. I'm just not convinced with your attack on the question just yet, which is totally fixable with a little work. I hope I don't sound like I've just ripped your essay to shreds! You are fortunately at a point where you can focus on the cohesiveness of your essay, rather than building up the essay. So you're in a great spot right now! Please let me know if any of this doesn't make sense, or if you'd like to clarify, or if you have any questions.

Good luck! :)
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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #328 on: July 06, 2016, 08:17:14 pm »
Thanks a tonne and yes I plan on integrating the adage into the thesis that I make, i've made a few changes due to your feedback and I really appreciate it

Super glad to help! Post back any time, with any questions! :) :)
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likeneverbefore

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #329 on: July 06, 2016, 08:28:57 pm »
I'll give it my best shot! You have a very broad question to work with here! It's excellent for a preparation essay, because it gives you a lot of scope to work with, so you really consolidate knowledge from far and wide.

HI ELYSE!

Hahaha thank you SO MUCH for marking my essay even though you're in melbourne ;D ;D I hope you have a great time there!

Your comments are so indepth its FANTASTIC! It gives me a direction to improve instead of me just staring at it all day ahhaha

Thank you again, saviour of our atars haha ;D

jack