English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks so much for this!! My teacher never really has time/makes time/could be bothered to teach us how to actually structure a speech properly. I will certainly consider the feedback and post a revision on here. This is about half the speech so should I try and improve this part first or go on talking about the other stuff I have to talk about in my speech?

You are welcome!!  I think you should get the whole speech drafted first! That way you can work on it all together, personally I think that is easier.

A speech should be structured very similarly to an essay. It should definitely have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion, just like an essay. Where you have more room for variation is the body; you can have smaller ideas and more of them, ideas can flow naturally into one another in more creative ways, the body of the speech is variable. But you should still introduce it and conclude it in a similar way 

[ehatton2016]

THANK YOU JAMON!!!

That was probably the most comprehensive essay marking I have ever received back!!! SOOOO helpful and I really do appreciate it!!

You guys are awesome!!

[studybuddy7777]

Ok Jamon thanks for that I will ensure I get the remainder of my speech up for feedback in the next couple of days!!
**he says so confidently**

[jamonwindeyer]

Ok Jamon thanks for that I will ensure I get the remainder of my speech up for feedback in the next couple of days!!
**he says so confidently**

THANK YOU JAMON!!!
That was probably the most comprehensive essay marking I have ever received back!!! SOOOO helpful and I really do appreciate it!!
You guys are awesome!!

You are welcome guys!! Happy to help 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi,

This is my Mod A essay for Tirra Lirra by the River and Tennysons Poetry. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible. It is attached to this message. Also, I was just wondering if there was an AOS thread as well?

Thank you!

Hey Iha!! Your essay is below with your comments in bold, I know your Trials are on Monday so I'll try and keep this feedback focused on only the vital changes to maximise the effectiveness of your work 

Spoiler

Compare how Tennyson’s poetry and Tirra Lirra by the River explore truth and happiness.

Truth and happiness are complementary concepts which allow an author to explore related values through intertextual connections. Interesting! Not seen this before, how are they complementary? I'd like to see you elaborate on this a bit further. Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel (1978), Tirra Lirra by the River, are dissimilar in terms of context but share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness. In spite of the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century, the motive of relaying these societal assumptions that the authors have conveyed is highly similar and eminently influences the audience’s perceptions on these issues. Excellent comparison between the two, sets up the comparative study nicely.. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principal concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters and their ability to find truth, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve true happiness and find truth from their past. Solid introduction! I'd like to see you make the second half a little more succinct, and use the extra space to elaborate on your Thesis. On the whole though, this works really well 

Most prominently, Tennyson and Anderson explore what is true and false by drawing from the context of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women. Nice conceptual introduction here! You could try putting the concept in a sentence by itself, but this works well also!  In Tirra Lirra by the River, the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Any techniques that make this evident? The chronological proximity of these time frames enables the reader to identify the shift in gender roles, allowing the identification of their effect on the happiness of women. Technique? Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman, having an artistic temperament, her artistic personality creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her being “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts her time as she is the opposite of what a woman should have reflected in the 1940s. Nice, but again, what techniques are used to accentuate this characterisation? Anderson’s use of the self-monologue declares the truth about the societal standards, successfully enabling the reader’s realisation that it would have an unfavourable consequence on her happiness. Arbitrary gender roles shown through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasises the dominating role of men in the workplace during the WWII era. “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, creating a persuasive effect, further reinforcing the gender restrictions that she is under and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful facts that affected women’s lives in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth. Nice! Use of technique is picking up in this second half of the paragraph. Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. Excellent comparison of the capabilities of form here, very nicely done! The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each societal context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness. A solid paragraph!! I do feel like it is a bit long for the focus to be sustained, you may consider splitting in half at some point. Also be careful to keep the focus on techniques throughout the entire paragraph, and ensure you don't just say what the technique says about the plot/characters, say what it shows the responder about your concept (EG - the negative impact of gender roles).

Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. This is what I meant before; the separate concept works really well. Tirra Lirra by the River’s Nora successfully portrays the capabilities of selective memories in conquering sadness and self-realisation. Anderson refers to Nora’s memories through the metaphor of a “globe of memory”, indicating her abundance of memories and truth. Thus showing us WHAT about your concept? The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her the pain that she does not want to revisit. Great! What does the audience realise about the subjectivity of memories? Despite her preference to not remember her past, the fact that she does not mind “inspecting some of the dark patches…” signifies her desire to end her misery by seeking out the truth. The use of foreshadowing and ellipses constitutes a dramatic pause allowing the reader to anticipate what truth Nora knows about her past, causing her heartache. The high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. Diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, leading to happiness. These last few sentences are sophisticated retell; you are explaining how the techniques are applied to the text, but what does this mean for the audience interpretation? Anderson strongly assists the responder to comprehend the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness as a coping mechanism for her hardships. Consider this sentence; does it really add anything to your essay? Or is it just a description of plot? Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. In spite of the pain that the protagonist feels in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, contrasting with the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. What does this show the audience? This suggests that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving; adeptly promoting Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness. In “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, suggesting a protracted period of time spent on the “unlovely street”, a symbol of the distressingly truthful memories that he has confronted in order to lament the absence of his friend. The truthful and loving memories that he has been left with is represented through the emotive language in “such precious relics brought by thee”, implying that these memories he has selected will allow his happiness. I'm feeling like this paragraph is too text focused; try to take a step back, remember it is the composers techniques to communicate the composers ideas! Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend, thus proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in context of the Victorian era. Through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson. Another solid paragraph, though I feel this one has slipped too far into focusing on the text. Remember, all techniques and explanations should be around the concept; the text is just the example!! Not enough audience reference in this second half for me.

Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts and aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of the truthfully discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. I'd split that sentence in half, a bit of a mouthful I think! The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson. A solid conclusion on the whole! I think you could do a little more comparison in this last section, compare the sorts of things you've said about both to really hammer the question home.

This is a great Module A essay Iha!! The comparative nature of the essay is set up well in the introduction and sustained reasonably well throughout; I think you need to be drawing a few more links but you are definitely on the right track 

I think your intro and conclusion are effective, but your body paragraphs seem a tad long. The sheer length of the paragraphs has meant the conceptual focus of each does not exactly permeate through the entire paragraph, you may consider splitting the two into four somehow! Just for greater purpose of clarity 

In most sections, you reference techniques really effectively (it took you a bit in the first paragraph to get there though). I'd like to see you do more with those techniques in terms of the audience: What does the use of that technique show the audience about the concept? The concept is key here, and you must prove to the marker that each composer has used techniques to convey an idea(s), and how these ideas and their expression differ due to context. That is the idea of the Module 

All that said, my main recommendations for Monday would be a greater integration of audience response to your examples, perhaps a  different paragraph structure to make sure the concept sticks throughout the read (shorter), and besides that just general fixes. Oh! And some more comparison between the texts; it is the point of the question, you definitely want to hit that mark as effectively as possible, That's where I'd devote some time tomorrow/today for your Trials if I were you 

You definitely have a great piece here; you should go in super confident!! Great work 

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks so much! Yeah i can definitely see what you mean about making some of my expressions clearer! Will definitely do that!! Thank you again!

Hey again Justina!! So I had a few people read over this essay for second opinions, and the one sentiment that echoed was clarity of ideas. Ensure that every idea makes sense and is expressed clearly, you may want to relax with your expression a tad, make it a little more simple in order to clarify the concepts you are driving!! So really no different to the original feedback, but I wanted to confirm it 

[likeneverbefore]

HI THERE!

I was wondering whether you could have a look at my Mod C essay (Brave New World and Blade Runner)

I am having a lot of trouble with this module haha...esp. cutting it down. There seems to be so much i need to include!

Aaarghhh the assessments are coming

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time

Jack

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello i have attached my Mod A (Metropolis & 1984)  and my mod b (Hamlet)
Thanks Very much

Hey there! Thanks heaps for meeting the post requirements and for your patience, backlog from the lectures hit hard, we are normally much faster  I'm marking your Module A essay here, I'll pop your Hamlet essay in the list once you hit 10 posts!! 

Spoiler

Lang and Orwell represent different visions of state control. How have these visions been represented and how have they been shaped by the particular social, historical, political and cultural context of each of the composers?

An analysis of the socio-political perspectives presented within a composer’s texts enables readers to establish and distinguish contextual concerns of the erosion of the human spirit and morality. Awesome Thesis! Really like this, I'd like to see you delve into the erosion of human spirit and morality a little more, give me a bit more depth. Through the comparison of Fritz Lang’s German Expressionist film Metropolis (1927) and George Orwell’s political novel 1984 (1949), readers experience a greater understanding of composers’ warning on the issues of their milieu. Composed in the Post-World War I era, Lang criticises the notion of an unrestrained capitalist society exploiting the workers for economic gains and revolutionary technology. Nice contextual introduction, this works well. Conversely, Orwell’s novel, composed in the backdrop of World War II, warns against totalitarian regimes such as those of Stalin and Hitler, which spread fear and paranoia amongst the population as a medium to subjugate their fundamental humanity. Fantastic Thesis! I would like to see a comparative statement at the end, like a, "By comparing these texts, the audience realises ______." Also, consider listing the topics of your paragraphs in this paragraph, I'm looking for themes you'll be discussing.

Metropolis is a critique on society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, as capitalists utilise their state control to repress and exploit their workers. Nice Thesis! I'd normally say to separate the text and context, but this works well, I wouldn't change it. Lang demonstrates visions of state control through economic misery and the rise of hyperinflation plaguing the Weimar republic and the effects of this on the populace. The contrast of poverty with the upper classes, superimpositions of the 2 clocks; one 24 hour clock, and the other 10-hour clock demonstrates how the workers class has been denied the rhythm of daylight and night while the 24-hour clock demonstrated a normal clock which is symbolic for the upper class. While this is a good example, you could improve the expression: The use of TECHNIQUE is evident HERE which shows us BLAH. Keep it direct, you went into a little too much detail about the technique itself, which is unimportant. The Marxist understanding of society is apparent as it demonstrates through body language, the vision of dehumanisation as we see the workers walk in sync through the gates, all dressed the same and their faces unable to be seen. What about Marxism is shown here? Good link though. Lang’s accentuates the dehumanising impact of unrestricted mechanisation and hence cautions the social and political body which shows the hands are “cut off” from the utopian plans of the brain. Throughout the German Expressionist film, Lang demonstrates different visions of state control by showing us how the working class has been dehumanised, a concern shaped by his social, historical, political and cultural context. I think this paragraph needs a little more analysis, maybe one more technique, and more links to what the audience learns rather than what the text displays, to make it shine.

While Metropolis demonstrates the society’s technological advancements as an outlet for oppressive power, 1984 also criticises how state control can be shaped by social, historical, political and cultural contexts which followed and were inspired by Hitler and Stalin. Good link to start the paragraph; I'd be linking throughout your paragraphs as well to ensure the comparative part of the essay is achieved. 1984 Is a classic fusion of political fiction and dystopian science-fiction, illuminating and warning against the terrifyingly real and possible dangers of a totalitarian society. What elements suggest this? Orwell demonstrates state control in this novel through symbolism of power by referring to “Big brother” as the head and controller of everyone. Technique? The Post World War II period was characterised by the advent of nuclear warfare, the pervasive presence of political surveillance and the concept of total war, effectively placing individual lives in a constant state of jeopardy. Good contextual link, but try to make it link to your text somehow; how is this context evident in choices made by the composer? Through the use of negative connotations, Orwell illustrates how the political and societal dynamics in Oceania and Nazi Germany as shown in the explicit phrase “What was worse of all was that by means of such organizations as the spices they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages”. Try to find more effective techniques than "explicit phrase," they are there! The symbolic phrase “Winston kept his back turned to the telescreen.” Symbolizes how the parties constant monitoring of its subjects is an abuse of power and technology. What does the audience learn from this? Through Orwell's political novel, we see how the state control is a powerful thing and is moulded by culture, social, political and historical context. Solid paragraph, I'm looking for a few more techniques, and again, more audience impact.

Influenced by the large social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletariat in the early 20th century, Metropolis presents a dystopian society that rejects moral and ethical values underpinned by the growing capitalist influence. Very nice start. The use of close up shots of both maria and Freder staring at each other for the first time delivers a sense of empathy and love and established the human desire and emotion of the plot. The motif of “Hands” illustrates how Rotwang sacrificed his right hand in creating false Maria while also manhandles Pure Maria with his right hand which demonstrates corruptive power invested in Rotwang. Try to separate the concept you are pushing from the text, like, the technique should show a concept that doesn't need the text to explain. Separate yourself from the text itself and purely use the techniques, reference the example, and explain. EG - The hand motif evident in key scenes throughout the film demonstrates notions of corruptive power, which shows the audience..." Orwell’s use of low angle shots illustrated in the scene where false Maria dances erotically for the elite class symbolises the growing power in in False Maria’ while she manipulates the elite class. This demonstrates the corruptive power which leads to the destruction of the town.  Lang’s productions of Metropolis allows the audience to interpret his perspective of state control. Good paragraph, if only a little short, be sure to step away from the text when explaining your concepts! The text is literally there to point to as an example, it is separate to your concepts, try to maintain that distinction.

While Metropolis critiques the social divide between the bourgeoisie and proletarians, 1984 critiques how the party is able to repress individual thought through mechanisms. In Orwell's novel, Winston gets caught for not following The Party’s demand and thought crime which results in him to be touched then be re-educated. This is textual retell, you don't need to tell the marker what happened in the text! The phase “Doublethink goes on forever. With the truth always one step ahead of you.” This allows the audience to create an opinion on how the party tries to shape the individuals. Technique? While paradox in the phrase “Freedom is Slavery, War is peace, Ignorance is strength” contains an element of the truth and then contradicts itself demonstrating how the citizens cannot think how they want to but how the party believes. , thus, demonstrating the dehumanization and lack of freedom of human beings. Good. The symbolism of the party last phrase “He loved Big Brother” critiques how humans can be broken down and believe everything you tell him however it also carries a positive message demonstrating the effort and dedication and time that has been placing to break the guy in the first place. The second half of this analysis falls back into the text, see how the phrase "humans can be broken down..." is completely independent of the text, it is something that stands by itself. Through the power demonstrated by big brother, we see how people are made to believe that are false but the party manipulates them into believing it showing the state control enforced in this text.

Both Lang’s “Metropolis” and Orwell's “1984” are variation of utopian and dystopian science fiction which comes to the realisation that state control is dehumanizing as it is shaped by the leads thoughts and beliefs. Both these texts are influenced by historical and political context involving the strong WW1 and the effects of Hitler and Stalin. Try extrapolating this conclusion a little more, it should be a little longer (re-explain your Thesis, identify the themes you've discussed, etc. etc.)

This is a really great essay!! I love your contextual links, you make it really clear that the texts were composed within a context, which is super important in this module. Your Thesis? Phenomenal, super succinct, I'd like a tad more depth but the premise is wonderful. Ditto for your conceptual statements for each paragraph, your paragraphs get a clear direction and are concluded well, everything makes a nice little package. Super great 

A few suggestions, first of all, your techniques. Your techniques are pretty good, but they are a bit general (explicit phrase, etc.). Try and make sure that:

a) Every quote has an associated technique
b) Your techniques are varied. This is super important, because it shows that you've considered different things that the composer has done to create meaning.

More powerful techniques and more frequent reference to them would make your response more powerful.

Secondly, more comparison. This is the comparative study; try and add some references throughout the paragraphs to the other text to make the similarities and differences known to the reader. This is vital, especially when you have the texts in separate paragraphs.

Some other suggestions are commented (more reference to audience, less text focused response, etc.), but these are the two big things I'd suggest.

All that said, this is a great essay that answers the question well, an awesome foundation to build upon, great work!! 

[liiz]

Hey there liiz!! I'd love to have a look over it, and I'll keep an eye out for things to cut for you (if anything is definitely worth trimming for me I'll strike it out) 

Spoiler

Whilst control is fundamental to gaining power over individuals and groups in society, it has often been deleterious throughout history, resulting in repression and dehumanisation. Love this Thesis! I'd add something about how this notion of control is a popular topic for composers, link interest of audience, blah blah, before going into your texts! Metropolis, directed by Fritz Lang and George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) explore this excessive control at the extremes of autocratic and totalitarian regimes. Awesome! As the film and novel elucidate the context of Weimar Germany and Britain's post-WWII environment respectively, responders can gain a greater appreciation of how social and historical perspectives held at the time, shape and influence meaning within the didactic texts. By means of a comparative study, audiences further enrich their understanding of unrestricted control as a destructive influence on society, especially when paired with technology. Near faultless Liiz, seriously great. Adapt it to whatever question is in front of you and you will have a winner.

The abuse of power by means of control has often lead to social divisions and instability, as illustrated by Metropolis. Lang’s 1927 silent film draws parallels to the composer’s era following WWI, where authoritarian powers created economic and political inequalities. Influenced by German expressionism, the art-deco set design of the upper echelons of society incorporates bright opens spaces and bold geometric shapes whilst the conditions underground are dark, bleak and overcrowded. Through this clever cinematography, Lang establishes a strong juxtaposition between the classes and enables audiences to visually conceptualise how the decadence of the city is built, quite literally, on inequality. Ha, I love it. Brilliant indeed, you could rework it slightly to be more consequential for the audience (EG - not just noticing something about the text itself, but learning something about the abuse of power FROM the text). Whilst such a futuristic metropolis was not seen in Germany at the time, the film sought inspiration from the vast physical dimensions of expanding western cities, such as New York. To Lang, the city of the future was synonymous with exploitation and power at the expense of others. You are writing extremely well; if you need length trimmed, your challenge is to be more succinct! For example, try blending these past two sentences into one! This is evinced by the worker’s exhausted bodies trudging in stylised and synchronised columns to repetitious non-diegetic music. Furthermore, the biblical iconography of the  “Tower of Babel” is used to establish Fredersen’s omnipotent status and subsequently aid in Lang’s criticism of capitalist values. You are blending context into this essay absolutely magnificently! The intertitle of “Great is the world and it’s maker! And great is man” mirrors Fredersen’s characterisation, and enables audiences to identify man’s hubris at the forefront of an autocratic leadership. Whilst the struggle between the classes is made apparent, Metropolis depicts a romanticised view of industrialisation through the repetitive motif of the “hands that build” and “minds that plan.” As Freder eventually becomes the mediator, the film’s optimistic ending reflects the ideology of mutual cooperation that was beginning to take shape in Europe. Hence, Lang gives an insight into the changing values of his society as the imperial government was replaced by a form of representative democracy (Weimar Republic). This offers audiences a sense of hope in the struggle against power imbalances as oppressed individuals actively attain some control over their lives. Thus, Metropolis provides a strong case for how context can influence meaning and deepen audience's understanding of control. Again, absolutely fantastic Liiz, seriously wonderful. I'd like to see you adapting your analysis in terms of the audience ever so slightly, shifting the focus from "observing something within the text" to "learning something about the concept." This is more powerful, because it shows that the audience gains a new understanding beyond the text itself. You are doing it already, but try to implement it even more.

Similarly, Orwell’s 1949 prose novel, enriches audiences understanding of how control can impact negatively on society. However, 1984 does not provide any effective redress to the rigid society as Lang’s film, produced 20 years prior, does. Following the fascist and totalitarian regimes of Hitler’s Nazi Party and Stalin’s Soviet Union, Orwell captures a society of satirical extremes in which every aspect of an individual's life is subject to manipulation and overt control in the name of Big Brother. Whilst a symbol of trust and protection in the eyes of obedient individuals, he comes to represent oppression and absolute power. Any examples or techniques to demonstrate this? Humans rights are exchanged for state stability, security and hierarchy. The indoctrination by the Party is evident through the distortion of language, known as “newspeak”, in order to suppress any freedom of thought. As a result, readers are confronted by the authoritarian regimes and their ability to weaken the strength and independence of individual’s minds. Great link to audience. Orwell’s use of chiasmus in “who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past” cements the image, as reflected in Metropolis, of a domineering and powerful world. Good inter-textual link here. Since this is the Comparative Study, I'd like to see more of this! Furthermore, the emphatic language in “the ordinary people, the workers… were their slaves” warns how the excessive use of control contributes to the repression and subjugation of the masses. As Orwell reflects upon the happenings of WWII, he highlights how the fear within individuals and “herd mentality” was often too strong to question the imbalances of power and control. This is communicated through the imperative and emphatic language of the propaganda in 1984 - “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” - which no individual dares to refute, despite being blatantly oxymoronic to readers. This representation can be accounted for by Orwell’s observation of propaganda in mass media as well as the corruption of language for political power during his time.  Your frequent links to context are really great, keep this up. Furthermore, “the horrible thing about Two Minute Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining in… turning into a grimacing, screaming lunatic” vividly describes the unavoidable nature of indoctrination by the stronger powers, reminiscent of the events of WWII. and reinforces the oppression of individuals. Any technique attached to that quote? I have just realised your quotes are chewing a sizeable part of your word count: Try working on trimming them to only what is necessary to exemplify the technique. With a climate of fear in London and states run by totalitarian dictators prevalent during Orwell’s era, 1984 mirrors an oppressive regime as inherently dangerous for societal relations and individuals as leaders employ absolute and incessant power. Therefore, both 1984 and Metropolis, despite different contextual foundations, have enriched responder’s understanding of excessive control to be a detrimental influence on society, dividing the hegemonic forces and repressed. Another great paragraph here! At this point I'll recommend some more links between your two texts: I'm not getting too much comparison at this stage.

Such ramifications of injurious control are only seen to be exacerbated through technology, as explored in Metropolis. Nitpick: Try to mention the composer before the text. Consider it this way: We can say a Harry Potter is awesome, and it is, but really it is JK Rowling who is amazing. She should go first. Same here, putting the composer first implicitly establishes the fact that you notice the composer as the creator of the text, the text is just the medium for THEIR ideas. Whilst the technological advances represent 20th century achievements, Lang illustrates his deeper concern for humanity. What founds these concerns? A low angle shot makes viewers feel intimidated by the monstrous Moloch machine. Does this have any further relevance for modern audiences? The ancient deity that was honoured with human sacrifice takes shape with the assistance of increasingly dramatic music. Thus showing us what? This feels unnecessary in comparison to the power behind the rest of your analysis. As workers are devoured to appease the autocratic leadership, the confronting scene evokes an emotional response from audiences. What emotion? Lang communicates the merging of the pagan past with a capitalist present as the masses are still exploited to meet the needs of the powerful elite and fuel the industrial progress. The workers become dehumanised and degraded as their movements within a mid shot continue to be as robotic as the machines they tend, blurring the line between man and machine for audiences. Hence, the repressive nature of control and its ability to eradicate individualism through technology is conveyed. Additionally, as Lang dramatises the Marxist struggle of the underclass, the dangers of technology become a contextual trigger for moral degradation and social revolt. Cyborg Maria, created by Rotwang, the archetypal mad scientist, symbolises how the authority of man and “workers of the future” may be usurped by machines.Again, is this all the more relevant for modern audiences? The montage of amourous hands and eyes of men as they observe her dance sequences convey society’s desire for such technology, and its ability to corrupt individuals by controlling their actions. Fantastic. When Cyborg Maria incites a chaotic revolt amongst the suppressed workers, wide angle shots capture the destruction to the city and effectively communicate the potentially ruinous force of technology. Be careful not to slip too much into textual retell. As such, Lang’s contextual perspective on rebellion and lack of individual power as a result of technology in Metropolis have been able to enrich contemporary audiences understanding of control. Don't let my comments fool you: Another fantastic paragraph! Just small things to make it shine 

Comparably, Orwell develops readers understanding of control to have a dehumanising effect when exercised through technology in 1984. The stark and oppressive posters of Big Brother - that some have interpreted to resemble Hitler or Stalin - serve as a constant reminder to individuals that every aspect of their lives is monitored for “Big Brother is watching you.” Don't go low modality for your points; The posters ARE resembling Hitler and Stalin, because you say they are! The government’s ability to control and manipulate society is seen through advancements of tele-screens, microphones and cameras. Orwell’s utilisation of a simile in “[they] had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass” effectively conveys the overwhelming presence and scrutiny of the Thought Police, enabling responders to feel empathy for the subjugated and repressed masses. Fantastic. Orwell’s fear for technology, prompted by his era, was that governments would seize the power to peer into people’s private lives and there was no way of knowing whether citizens were being watched at any given moment. This is communicated through the emphatic and direct language, “technological progress only happens when its products can in some way be used for the diminution of human liberty.” Those previous two sentences are another candidate for being more succinct: Try to blend them into one! As such, the total lack of freedom as a result of increasing technology forces the regimented society to essentially become “the dead.” Similarly to Metropolis, the controlling nature of technology acts as a catalyst for Winston’s rebellion. These last two sentences only have consequence for the text: None for the audience and none for the concept. You can remove them! However, it is quickly undermined through torture and the Party’s “victory” over the protagonist is confirmed as “he loved Big Brother.” As Winston repeats “2+2=5”, audiences understand that he has lost touch with the reality he once defended, revealing the fragility of human resilience in the face of a ruthless, totalitarian regime. Therefore, readers enrich their understanding of the detrimental and implicit ways control can be employed through technology in 1984, resulting in the dehumanisation of man, as similarly explored by Metropolis. Yet again, extremely effective paragraph.

Lang and Orwell evidently promote values that are derived from the societies of their time through contextual perspectives. As such, Metropolis and Nineteen Eighty-Four explore the abusive and dehumanising exercise of power under an autocratic leadership in which the populace is deprived, repressed and alienated. Responders are able to enrich their understanding of control, and it’s employment through technology, to be a powerful and often damaging influence on both social relations and the nature of humanity.  Great conclusion as well! I'd like to see you re-word your Thesis and stick it at the start of this conclusion, that would make it shine for me 

Liiz, this is an absolutely fantastic response. Introduction and conclusion are both nearly faultless, and the structure of your ideas is also fantastically logical. Your analysis is powerful, varied and audience focused, and context is integrated fantastically.

You submitted a version of this essay just over a month ago for marking. Seeing the difference, it is absolutely mind blowing how much it has improved. You should be seriously, seriously proud, because this response is wonderful.

All that said, I can still recommend a few changes. It's my job 

If you are looking for trims, I have two ideas. One (and I did this in a place or two), go through every paragraph and find sentences that aren't directly linked to either the audience, or the context. Consider, why is it there? If you don't have an answer, ditch it  also, be sure to only give the part of your quote that illustrates the technique you need, that might trim some words as well 

I'd also advise you to consider how you frame your audience links. Sometimes you are identifying things the audience learns about the concept, which is perfect. Other times, you just show what a technique has showed the audience about the text itself. This is less effective. Focus on the concept when you can!! 

Finally (and this is probably the most important) some more comparisons between the texts integrated throughout the paragraphs. This is the comparative module, so you need to be regularly comparing how the two texts explore similar ideas. The two paragraphs do this reasonably, but integrating comments throughout will make this stronger. Super important!!

All that said, this response is fantastic, and you should feel super confident with it heading into Trials, fantastic work!! 

Thankyou so much Jamon!!! Honestly, can't be more appreciative of your help. I'll definitely fix up those little things, but I am now feeling a lot more confident for trials!!!! haha seriously saving my life

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi!

This is my Mod B essay for Hamlet. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.

Thank you!

Hey again Iha! I know your Trials start tomorrow, so before anything, good luck!!  hopefully your Paper 2 is not until Tuesday and you can make some decent use of this feedback 

Note that you also don't currently have the required post count to get your Module C essay marked (I'm just marking the first ones posted). AoS Essay, Creative, and two modules is what's been marked for your 20 posts  I've deleted your Module C essay from earlier, purely because it is falling too far behind in the thread with all the replies, my fault, not yours! Feel free to post it back up again for feedback once you get to that 25 post mark 

All that said, essay attached with feedback throughout!

Spoiler

Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” addresses the uncertainty of human existence, presenting discussions about the state of one’s identification when confronted with these ambivalent situations. Try to start your essays with a conceptual statement completely separate from the text, in your case, something about the uncertainty of human existence. Only then bring in your text as an example. Shakespeare therefore asserts a multifaceted analysis of the somber aspect of human nature; portraying the critical role identity and death play within the indecisiveness that characterises the decision to take action versus avoiding it. This pragmatic depiction of the indecisiveness of an individual through Shakespeare’s characters is the ultimate encapsulation of humanity’s often personal frailties, perhaps being the reason as to “Hamlet’s” popularity amongst readers of all societal contexts, and raising opinions of critics like Maynard Mack to argue that humans will remain in an “aspect of bafflement moving on a rampart between two worlds”. Fabulous!! Great stuff here. Through the conveying of the characters’ imperfections within the social and political landscape of the play, Shakespeare has confronted his audience with explicit criticism of the subjectivity of human identification and death when faced with uncertainties. Love this introduction! A more conceptual Thesis is all I'd like to see, and perhaps a list of the themes to be explored in the essay.

Shakespeare’s confrontation of these ideas in “Hamlet” is primarily expressed through the subversion of societal ideals he viewed as limited or discriminatory; the stringent criteria applied by Elizabethan England to identity and its make up being the overarching example. Again, I'd like to see a more conceptual start to each paragraph. Remember, the text is just an example of how the composer portrays the concept; the concept is key! Shakespeare embodies his disagreement with his society’s popular view on identity initially through his critique of the Great Chain of Being. His creation of a parody of the Chain demonstrates its detrimental effect through the analogy that Gertrude is “a beast that wants discourse of reason”. Furthermore, his utilization of the figurative language in Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy, establishes Shakespeare’s dumbfounded view of the bizarre interpretations of identity made by his society, where he complies with the “rules” of the Chain by identifying a man as “a beast no more” if he is “but to sleep and feed”. Excellent analysis with links to Shakespeare's context, very effective. Moreover, Shakespeare has connected Hamlet’s characterisation as an indecisive man in the Renaissance context to his identification as a Christian. His use of a pseudo-religious allusion as he is “prompted to revenge by heaven and hell” emphasizes the crucial role of identity in deciding whether or not to act, especially in the subtext of revengeful death, raising questions about our own personal reasons as to why we do and don’t do certain things in our lives. Good connection to the modern audience there too, excellent so far! Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the role of identity within the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not has allowed critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. Little expression issue there; simplify it a little, just say critics agree with this interpretation, with Goethe arguing ... In addition, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hamlet has presented the important role of identity in the underlying motivation for human actions, deconstructing the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Furthermore, Hamlet’s decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2, sees a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” no longer exists, and is used by Shakespeare to challenge his society’s view of a universal identity consisting of loyalty and trust. Try to make those last two sentences into one to make it more succinct, and more importantly, to shift yourself away from retell. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such an unordinary activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action without any moral or conscious behaviour to interrupt. Be sure that each paragraph has a conclusion. "Thus, the audience learns that Shakespeare was cool.", even something simple like that (obviously more, well, relevant than what I wrote  )

Shakespeare’s subversive view of the relevancy of identity is expanded upon in his play by introducing the inevitability of death and the lack of identity remaining afterwards. My interpretation suggests that Hamlet’s main moral was to assert the irrelevancy of identity once death occurs, suggesting that death is the ultimate equaliser. My personal preference is to avoid the words "my" and "I" in essays like the plague. Even though we seek your interpretation, this comes across naturally as you are writing. I recommend you should stick to the academic writing style required in an essay such as this. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist, Hamlet, to be obsessed with death from the opening scene, in which Hamlet ponders the spiritual consequences of death, symbolised by the ghost of Hamlet’s father. Slipped into textual retell there, and further, what techniques were used to characterise Hamlet in this way? The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. I reckon you could use that example for something more powerful than just what happens to bodies, link it back to your first sentence about the decay of identity? This is further reinforced with the repetition of “we” and objectification of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue, “we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. Shorten that quote; you don't need all of it! Dwery’s reading of the play supports this idea as he discusses that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death and recognising his own unavoidable fate”. Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to. It is this commonplace truth that is held up as a characteristic of human existence by Shakespeare. A solid paragraph on the whole, but I think your analysis could be stronger. What does the audience learn about the inevitability of death, for example? Remember the audience (including yourself) is a big part of this Module, as you are seeking to portray how effectively ideas are portrayed to their intended audience.

The indecisiveness of an individual to take action or to not take action, due to reasons unforeseen, is highly evidenced by Shakespeare to extrapolate his belief that justice should be the driving force of any participation in an action. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Make your arguments high modality, no "perhaps," be confident with your points! Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations over fulfilling the task of revenge that is assigned to him, but its text offers no reasons or motives for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Hamlet’s best chance to kill Claudius is expressed in his resolute diction, “now might I do it pat”, where he convinces the audience of his decision to finally take action. So this is a good technique and link to audience, but what is it saying conceptually? Not much, just linking to the texts plot itself. Try to go WIDER, what does the audience learn about the CONCEPT, not the text. However, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of the murderous motion, describes the action as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Technique? Shakespeare’s demonstration of the effect of justice-deficient motives, resulting in the difficulty in  deciding whether to take action or not, is additionally supported within Hamlet’s consideration of suicide as a ‘solution’; however his indecisiveness is portrayed through the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. Techniques in the first half? What is the significance of this very famous line, conceptually? Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the reflection of their identity and overall existence. I'm not quite getting the 'justice' part of the concept in this paragraph. Definitely getting the indecisiveness, but try and push how justice comes in a  little more strongly.

In summation, the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully portrayed by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty it creates of one’s existence. Good conclusion on the whole! However, it is missing a few key pieces; go back to your Thesis and look at the things you mentioned about context, and how you stated your Thesis in the introduction. Your conclusion should follow that closely!

This is a fantastic essay with some great ideas Iha! Excellent blend of context in the first paragraph especially, I'd love to see more of that. Great concepts that are well defined and sustained throughout your paragraphs, no overlap either, this works really really well! And your analysis is, in most sections, very effective as well 

My big suggestion for you in this essay will be to step away from the text a little. Let's consider it this way.

Say you tell me the technique Shakespeare uses to tell me something new about the character of Hamlet. This is good.

Next step up, you tell me the technique Shakespeare uses to tell me something about the character of Hamlet with relation to the concept you are discussing. This is better, but still not perfect.

The best case scenario is you pointing at Hamlet, and saying, "See how Shakespeare does this? This is showing you BLAH BLAH BLAH." What I learn isn't directly related to/reliant on the text, it is broader, I'm learning about the concept as a whole. This is the level of conceptual interpretation that I'm missing at the moment, and I'd like to see a bit more.

Along with this comes a related suggestion; be careful you don't slip into retell. There are some places where you are close to just telling me what happened in the text and not anything about the concept, be careful!  as well as this, some expression issues pop up in isolated spots, may be worth addressing, but it doesn't detract too much from the response.

Don't let the comments fool you, I think this is a great essay! Some more links to the audience will make me care about the essay more and enhance your exploration of concept, which will naturally develop the sophistication. Remember, the text is just your example, the concept is key!

I hope this helps! Don't let this feedback stress you out or make you feel like you need to do a heap of work. Just keep the principles in mind, and go in there on Tuesday (or whenever) and smash your Trial!! You are writing great stuff, tailor it effectively to the question you have in front of you and you will smash it! Good luck!

[jamonwindeyer]

hi!
this is my mod C essay
what should i improve on in terms of my introduction and paragraphs?
how can the analysis be improved?
all in all, I'm really clueless in english atm - how do I make this a band 6 response?
(please mark it as harsh as possible - totally roast it)
~I've attached the document

Hey there!! Thanks for posting your essay, it's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold!! 

Spoiler

Analyse how the representation of divergent viewpoints leads us to greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours.

The conflicting perspectives evident in the novel offer us an insight into the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours. I'd like to see a proper Thesis taking its place at the start of this essay. A concept that will resonate throughout the response, some comment on the complexity of human behaviour. A simple version: "People are assholes." Just a concept that will be the focus of your essay, and all the themes of your paragraph should fit around it! The satirical ‘Brave new world’ by Aldous Huxley showcases this through the conflicting outlooks of the characters towards the political system of the world state. The different perspectives and assessment of the reservation and wold state highlighting the complex values and attitudes of different characters. Be succinct where you can! You don't need to go into too much detail in the intro, just set up your arguments. It is Huxley’s personal commentary towards the mechanical passion of his era and the differing views highlight its unapparent flaws. Great contextual setup!  ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan. Also show this through its depiction of the different viewpoints experiences by the wombats and the rabbits, it is a metaphor for colonisation and is meant to counteract the western viewpoint offering an alternate perspective and reader evaluation towards the British landing. It highlights the conditions of both the rabbits and lemurs and depicts the complexity of their alternate views through their motivations.Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with! Also be sure your introduction has a proper conclusion.

Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people. Why do divergent viewpoints reveal the complexity of human beings? It is sort of implied, but I'm looking for a little more depth than this! In brave new world, this is demonstrated through john who is represented as an outcast and isolated in both the reservation and world state due to being different. Ensure text/character names are capitalised! Despite attempted conditioning by Linda, he despises promiscuous behaviour and opposes the world state belief that ‘everyone belongs to someone else.' This is textual retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but I already know as the marker (and indeed, I know this text  ). Your response MUST focus only on the conceptual ideas in the text, and how they are presented through techniques. However, the hybrid religion of Jesus and pagan pookong endorses a ritualistic religious mutilation that is presented as the reservation’s equivalent of the sexual religion of the world state. While, the characters from the state disagree with this practice, as shown through the sarcasm in; “nothing short of a pistol shot could have called Lenina back from her soma holiday” the brutal image showing her personal reaction. John endorses the practice, showing his diverged perspective towards the reservation ritual. It shows his complexity in the sense that while he opposes the conditioning of the world state, ironically, his views are also the result of the predetermined culture/conditioning of the reservation. While you are making good points about divergent viewpoints, you are not analysing. Even with techniques, retell is retell, try to take a step out of the text and instead consider the techniques chosen by the composer, and WHY they were chosen. His reaction upon observing the workings and system of the world state is disgust and he vomits stating “I ate civilisation” reinforcing his disapproval of the system. His name ‘Mr Savage’ is a satiric irony, the reader is left to question who really is the ‘savage’, john is depicted as animalistic through the eyes of the world state residents. Some good techniques at the end here, but what do they show?Paralleling his personal view shown through the insect motif “the nightmare of swarming indistinguishable madness, like maggots…” demonstrating the lack of distinction and parasitic proportions and actions of the state residents. Both the perspectives of john and the world state oppose one another, showing their intricate attitudes towards the unfamiliar. I've not really gotten the complexity of human behaviour from this paragraph, I've gotten divergent viewpoints for sure, but not quite how they represent this complexity.

Perspectives showcase intricate characterisation. Again, how? I'd like a little more depth here too, WHY do perspectives show intricate characterisation? Why is it important for composers? A few things to consider. Brave new world’s character Linda is represented as a product of World state conditioning and this mentality prevents her from fitting in with the attitudes of the reservation. What technique achieves this? At the first sight of Lenina, she grabs her in a slobbering embrace whilst crying “ford oh ford!” the juxtaposition (ford replacing lord) indicating her unhampering belief in the world state. I don't think this accurately represents juxtaposition, probably more an allusion than anything else? (allusion to the common exclamation of "Oh Lord," it's quasi religious!) Her statement; “and I was so ashamed, just think of it , a beta having a baby: put yourself in my place” shows her opposing perspective towards the natural births in the reservation, she feels disgusted as the mere word of family is ‘smutty’ as Huxley satirically addresses.Technique here? I'm finding you are actually hitting almost all of your marks, like this time you explained the link to the concept well, but not hitting all of them together! Linda’s remark about the behaviours of the Indians; “it’s like living with lunatics, everything they do is mad” parallels their beliefs about her, seen when the elders call her a “she-dog” hinting at her blatant promiscuity. Technique? However, despite Linda’s conditioning, human nature is hinted through high modal language, “little beast! I am not your mother, I will never be your mother……….suddenly she put her arms around him and kissed him again and again. “In a sense, this emotional dichotomy indicates that Linda is conflicted with her conditioning and her internal desire to love john, this is Huxley’s indication that human nature cannot be fully controlled and that stability based on perfection is non-existent. Two points: One, high modality! Be confident in your own arguments, no "in a sense," be confident! Second, you can trim your quotes a little, you never need this much! The world state may have programmed her thought but it did not fully eliminate human nature. Upon returning to the world state, her own people make her an outsider, she is represented and viewed as a grim image of the dark reality of the artificial world state. Retell The place is called the “hive of industry.. under the full buzz of work” and is a metaphor about the regulated society where everyone fills their predetermined constructs, its Huxley’s way of describing their political system and that Linda is unable to fill that construct and is therefore an outcast. Try to play with your expression a little bit if you can: the "its Huxley's way of describing their political system" sounds a little awkward. Her entrance was hybrid textuality, its satirical questioning about modernity and humanity, Linda’s cries; “Tomakin, Tomakin!..” along with john’s “my father!” is challenging and theatrical and an extreme comic caricature of outraged and suffering virtue due to the perspectives of the scientists at the embryo lab. Indicating that their views oppose the characteristics of natural growth, a process still ongoing at the reservation and evident in Linda. She is dehumanised; “bloating, sagging and among those firm youthful bodies, those undistorted faces, a strange and terrifying monster of middle-agedness” showing their perspective towards Linda and her representation in the eyes of the world state citizens. Technique for that quote? There are several! Reinforcing the fact that in the world state perspectives are moulded by conditioning, however, Linda’s ability to find solace in John shows that they cannot fully eliminate emotion. Human complexity is shown through the ability of certain individuals to counteract their conditioning. Hence, Demonstrating flaws in a supposedly seamless society that runs on collective thought. Those last two sentences should be a single sentences separated with a comma, and that would form a great conclusive sentence!

Differing perspectives highlight internal attitudes and motivations. ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan is a social commentary on the British landing. It is told through the perspectives of the lemurs which are a representation of the aboriginal population. The text is shown in an atypical position to emphasise the emotional reaction of the lemurs towards the rabbit ‘colonisation’. The rabbits are a satirical representation of the British, their characteristic to multiply and the fact that they were initially foreigners parallels the rabbit’s introduction to Australia. This representation shows how the Aboriginals viewed the new British population. You are analysing the related text and its significance well; but what does the audience learn about differing perspectives? Be sure to sustain your concept! The perspective of the aboriginals, clashing with that of the British; historically claiming the land as ‘terra nullius’ (no mans land) and acquiring ownership.  Contrast is used to emphasise the opposite elements and signify the power and scale of the intruders. Through the rabbits perspective, they were doing no wrong and merely making the land more hospitable, however the lemurs saw this as degration of their land shown by the illustration of the mechanical tubes sucking in blue sky for production of soot, symbolising that they are making the land cater to their needs, they are depicted as consumeristic. Slightly slipping into retell there! The book ends unresolved and with open ties, hinting that the issue is still lasting. The lemur and rabbit, both peering into the reflection, equally hoping for a better future and ultimately passing the final judgement to the reader. A very text focused paragraph, try to make it more conceptually driven. Focus on the concept of differing perspectives and only point to the text to prove your point, it is only evidence.

The depiction of alternate views expressed, lead us to explore the complexities and motivations evident that led to that perspective. Both ‘brave new world ‘ by Aldous Huxley and ‘the rabbits’ by John Marsden showcase alternate viewpoints to a given situation, the different perspectives and attitudes allow for the reader to further understand their characterisation as a person’s views are an insight into ones values. Hence, revealing more about characters through their assessment of situations.

What I'll start by saying is that I love what you've done with the concepts for each paragraph!! Human complexities, characterisation and internal beliefs are distinct and all relate effectively. A difficult ask for this question, and you've done it well, so bravo there!! 

So, as well as the comments throughout, there are a few suggestions I want to make for you to improve, but I want to focus on two right now 

First, is the quality of your analysis, what you mentioned when you posted the essay. Essentially what you are doing right now is textual retell, you are telling me what happened in the text (occasionally with a technique), and then linking it to your concept. Interestingly, the text is one of the least important parts of your analysis, and the plot and details of the text are almost completely irrelevant. Much more important is the concepts that are being represented by the composer.

Consider it this way for your prescribed text. Huxley's Brave New World was written as a didactic warning of the potential dehumanising effects of the technological innovations of Huxley's context. He is writing it like, "Guys, seriously?" It's a warning! Huxley will thus choose techniques that further his perspective on the issue; every action of the characters, every plot detail, all a choice by Huxley to portray the themes he wants. This also means that we can actually give no credit to the characters, we must give it all to Huxley, because the characters are just his puppets. No "John does this" or "Lina does that," it is "Huxley uses this technique!"

Now why is Huxley choosing this technique? He wants to represent a theme, or in other words, a perspective! It is your job when writing this essay to deconstruct the representational choices made by Huxley, and how they represent his perspective on the theme of, in this case, the complexity of human behaviour.

Your analysis shouldn't be "This happened in the text when John did this and this shows this." Instead, it should be: "Huxley uses this technique to show his perspective of this and thus the audience learns this about the concept." Or even more ideally, "Huxley assumes this perspective; this is obvious through this technique and thus the audience learns this."

For example:

Huxley's contextual fears of the destruction of fundamental aspects of humanity, namely religious expression, are exemplified through the quasi-religious reference to Soma as "Christianity, without the tears." Huxley's perspective resonates even more powerfully in a modern context, as we realise that key aspects of our individualism may soon be subject to the dehumanising nature of technological innovation.

By no means is this perfect, I could be more succinct, but what I want to exemplify is that the concept takes way more room than the text and the technique. I'm just pointing to the text as proof of Huxley's perspective! Notice; no plot details, no scene descriptions, nothing like that. Purely the technique.

So, you need to shift the focus to the concept, not the text. The key aspects of analysis are:

Technique - What did the composer do?
Explain - Why did they do it? What perspective do they want to show?
Audience - What new information does this give to the audience?

This comes with practice, and it isn't easy!! But you can 100% get there! 

The other thing I'll suggest (and this won't take as long I promise) is just a balance between your ORT and the prescribed text. Right now your balance is 66/33%, two thirds prescribed, one third ORT. This isn't quite balanced enough!! You need to ideally have a 50/50 split, or at a maximum, 60/40. So essentially, you need more ORT to balance yourself out.

I'll suggest to you, since you've got awesome paragraph topics, an integrated response. This means discussing both texts in every paragraph, separated by concept as you've done in this essay. Give it a go!! It might help you get a better balance 

The analysis is the big thing I'll push for this version. Have a go at some things I've suggested, read through my comments, and ask me if anything is unclear! Above all, take some time to improve the response, then post it again for some more feedback!! I'm keen to help you get this to the Band 6 response you want  great stuff skysailingaway!

[skysailingaway]

Hey there!! Thanks for posting your essay, it's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold!! 

Spoiler

Analyse how the representation of divergent viewpoints leads us to greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours.

The conflicting perspectives evident in the novel offer us an insight into the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours. I'd like to see a proper Thesis taking its place at the start of this essay. A concept that will resonate throughout the response, some comment on the complexity of human behaviour. A simple version: "People are assholes." Just a concept that will be the focus of your essay, and all the themes of your paragraph should fit around it! The satirical ‘Brave new world’ by Aldous Huxley showcases this through the conflicting outlooks of the characters towards the political system of the world state. The different perspectives and assessment of the reservation and wold state highlighting the complex values and attitudes of different characters. Be succinct where you can! You don't need to go into too much detail in the intro, just set up your arguments. It is Huxley’s personal commentary towards the mechanical passion of his era and the differing views highlight its unapparent flaws. Great contextual setup!  ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan. Also show this through its depiction of the different viewpoints experiences by the wombats and the rabbits, it is a metaphor for colonisation and is meant to counteract the western viewpoint offering an alternate perspective and reader evaluation towards the British landing. It highlights the conditions of both the rabbits and lemurs and depicts the complexity of their alternate views through their motivations.Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with! Also be sure your introduction has a proper conclusion.

Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people. Why do divergent viewpoints reveal the complexity of human beings? It is sort of implied, but I'm looking for a little more depth than this! In brave new world, this is demonstrated through john who is represented as an outcast and isolated in both the reservation and world state due to being different. Ensure text/character names are capitalised! Despite attempted conditioning by Linda, he despises promiscuous behaviour and opposes the world state belief that ‘everyone belongs to someone else.' This is textual retell: You are telling me what happened in the text, but I already know as the marker (and indeed, I know this text  ). Your response MUST focus only on the conceptual ideas in the text, and how they are presented through techniques. However, the hybrid religion of Jesus and pagan pookong endorses a ritualistic religious mutilation that is presented as the reservation’s equivalent of the sexual religion of the world state. While, the characters from the state disagree with this practice, as shown through the sarcasm in; “nothing short of a pistol shot could have called Lenina back from her soma holiday” the brutal image showing her personal reaction. John endorses the practice, showing his diverged perspective towards the reservation ritual. It shows his complexity in the sense that while he opposes the conditioning of the world state, ironically, his views are also the result of the predetermined culture/conditioning of the reservation. While you are making good points about divergent viewpoints, you are not analysing. Even with techniques, retell is retell, try to take a step out of the text and instead consider the techniques chosen by the composer, and WHY they were chosen. His reaction upon observing the workings and system of the world state is disgust and he vomits stating “I ate civilisation” reinforcing his disapproval of the system. His name ‘Mr Savage’ is a satiric irony, the reader is left to question who really is the ‘savage’, john is depicted as animalistic through the eyes of the world state residents. Some good techniques at the end here, but what do they show?Paralleling his personal view shown through the insect motif “the nightmare of swarming indistinguishable madness, like maggots…” demonstrating the lack of distinction and parasitic proportions and actions of the state residents. Both the perspectives of john and the world state oppose one another, showing their intricate attitudes towards the unfamiliar. I've not really gotten the complexity of human behaviour from this paragraph, I've gotten divergent viewpoints for sure, but not quite how they represent this complexity.

Perspectives showcase intricate characterisation. Again, how? I'd like a little more depth here too, WHY do perspectives show intricate characterisation? Why is it important for composers? A few things to consider. Brave new world’s character Linda is represented as a product of World state conditioning and this mentality prevents her from fitting in with the attitudes of the reservation. What technique achieves this? At the first sight of Lenina, she grabs her in a slobbering embrace whilst crying “ford oh ford!” the juxtaposition (ford replacing lord) indicating her unhampering belief in the world state. I don't think this accurately represents juxtaposition, probably more an allusion than anything else? (allusion to the common exclamation of "Oh Lord," it's quasi religious!) Her statement; “and I was so ashamed, just think of it , a beta having a baby: put yourself in my place” shows her opposing perspective towards the natural births in the reservation, she feels disgusted as the mere word of family is ‘smutty’ as Huxley satirically addresses.Technique here? I'm finding you are actually hitting almost all of your marks, like this time you explained the link to the concept well, but not hitting all of them together! Linda’s remark about the behaviours of the Indians; “it’s like living with lunatics, everything they do is mad” parallels their beliefs about her, seen when the elders call her a “she-dog” hinting at her blatant promiscuity. Technique? However, despite Linda’s conditioning, human nature is hinted through high modal language, “little beast! I am not your mother, I will never be your mother……….suddenly she put her arms around him and kissed him again and again. “In a sense, this emotional dichotomy indicates that Linda is conflicted with her conditioning and her internal desire to love john, this is Huxley’s indication that human nature cannot be fully controlled and that stability based on perfection is non-existent. Two points: One, high modality! Be confident in your own arguments, no "in a sense," be confident! Second, you can trim your quotes a little, you never need this much! The world state may have programmed her thought but it did not fully eliminate human nature. Upon returning to the world state, her own people make her an outsider, she is represented and viewed as a grim image of the dark reality of the artificial world state. Retell The place is called the “hive of industry.. under the full buzz of work” and is a metaphor about the regulated society where everyone fills their predetermined constructs, its Huxley’s way of describing their political system and that Linda is unable to fill that construct and is therefore an outcast. Try to play with your expression a little bit if you can: the "its Huxley's way of describing their political system" sounds a little awkward. Her entrance was hybrid textuality, its satirical questioning about modernity and humanity, Linda’s cries; “Tomakin, Tomakin!..” along with john’s “my father!” is challenging and theatrical and an extreme comic caricature of outraged and suffering virtue due to the perspectives of the scientists at the embryo lab. Indicating that their views oppose the characteristics of natural growth, a process still ongoing at the reservation and evident in Linda. She is dehumanised; “bloating, sagging and among those firm youthful bodies, those undistorted faces, a strange and terrifying monster of middle-agedness” showing their perspective towards Linda and her representation in the eyes of the world state citizens. Technique for that quote? There are several! Reinforcing the fact that in the world state perspectives are moulded by conditioning, however, Linda’s ability to find solace in John shows that they cannot fully eliminate emotion. Human complexity is shown through the ability of certain individuals to counteract their conditioning. Hence, Demonstrating flaws in a supposedly seamless society that runs on collective thought. Those last two sentences should be a single sentences separated with a comma, and that would form a great conclusive sentence!

Differing perspectives highlight internal attitudes and motivations. ‘The rabbits’ a picture book written by John Marsden and Shaun Tuan is a social commentary on the British landing. It is told through the perspectives of the lemurs which are a representation of the aboriginal population. The text is shown in an atypical position to emphasise the emotional reaction of the lemurs towards the rabbit ‘colonisation’. The rabbits are a satirical representation of the British, their characteristic to multiply and the fact that they were initially foreigners parallels the rabbit’s introduction to Australia. This representation shows how the Aboriginals viewed the new British population. You are analysing the related text and its significance well; but what does the audience learn about differing perspectives? Be sure to sustain your concept! The perspective of the aboriginals, clashing with that of the British; historically claiming the land as ‘terra nullius’ (no mans land) and acquiring ownership.  Contrast is used to emphasise the opposite elements and signify the power and scale of the intruders. Through the rabbits perspective, they were doing no wrong and merely making the land more hospitable, however the lemurs saw this as degration of their land shown by the illustration of the mechanical tubes sucking in blue sky for production of soot, symbolising that they are making the land cater to their needs, they are depicted as consumeristic. Slightly slipping into retell there! The book ends unresolved and with open ties, hinting that the issue is still lasting. The lemur and rabbit, both peering into the reflection, equally hoping for a better future and ultimately passing the final judgement to the reader. A very text focused paragraph, try to make it more conceptually driven. Focus on the concept of differing perspectives and only point to the text to prove your point, it is only evidence.

The depiction of alternate views expressed, lead us to explore the complexities and motivations evident that led to that perspective. Both ‘brave new world ‘ by Aldous Huxley and ‘the rabbits’ by John Marsden showcase alternate viewpoints to a given situation, the different perspectives and attitudes allow for the reader to further understand their characterisation as a person’s views are an insight into ones values. Hence, revealing more about characters through their assessment of situations.

What I'll start by saying is that I love what you've done with the concepts for each paragraph!! Human complexities, characterisation and internal beliefs are distinct and all relate effectively. A difficult ask for this question, and you've done it well, so bravo there!! 

So, as well as the comments throughout, there are a few suggestions I want to make for you to improve, but I want to focus on two right now 

First, is the quality of your analysis, what you mentioned when you posted the essay. Essentially what you are doing right now is textual retell, you are telling me what happened in the text (occasionally with a technique), and then linking it to your concept. Interestingly, the text is one of the least important parts of your analysis, and the plot and details of the text are almost completely irrelevant. Much more important is the concepts that are being represented by the composer.

Consider it this way for your prescribed text. Huxley's Brave New World was written as a didactic warning of the potential dehumanising effects of the technological innovations of Huxley's context. He is writing it like, "Guys, seriously?" It's a warning! Huxley will thus choose techniques that further his perspective on the issue; every action of the characters, every plot detail, all a choice by Huxley to portray the themes he wants. This also means that we can actually give no credit to the characters, we must give it all to Huxley, because the characters are just his puppets. No "John does this" or "Lina does that," it is "Huxley uses this technique!"

Now why is Huxley choosing this technique? He wants to represent a theme, or in other words, a perspective! It is your job when writing this essay to deconstruct the representational choices made by Huxley, and how they represent his perspective on the theme of, in this case, the complexity of human behaviour.

Your analysis shouldn't be "This happened in the text when John did this and this shows this." Instead, it should be: "Huxley uses this technique to show his perspective of this and thus the audience learns this about the concept." Or even more ideally, "Huxley assumes this perspective; this is obvious through this technique and thus the audience learns this."

For example:

Huxley's contextual fears of the destruction of fundamental aspects of humanity, namely religious expression, are exemplified through the quasi-religious reference to Soma as "Christianity, without the tears." Huxley's perspective resonates even more powerfully in a modern context, as we realise that key aspects of our individualism may soon be subject to the dehumanising nature of technological innovation.

By no means is this perfect, I could be more succinct, but what I want to exemplify is that the concept takes way more room than the text and the technique. I'm just pointing to the text as proof of Huxley's perspective! Notice; no plot details, no scene descriptions, nothing like that. Purely the technique.

So, you need to shift the focus to the concept, not the text. The key aspects of analysis are:

Technique - What did the composer do?
Explain - Why did they do it? What perspective do they want to show?
Audience - What new information does this give to the audience?

This comes with practice, and it isn't easy!! But you can 100% get there! 

The other thing I'll suggest (and this won't take as long I promise) is just a balance between your ORT and the prescribed text. Right now your balance is 66/33%, two thirds prescribed, one third ORT. This isn't quite balanced enough!! You need to ideally have a 50/50 split, or at a maximum, 60/40. So essentially, you need more ORT to balance yourself out.

I'll suggest to you, since you've got awesome paragraph topics, an integrated response. This means discussing both texts in every paragraph, separated by concept as you've done in this essay. Give it a go!! It might help you get a better balance 

The analysis is the big thing I'll push for this version. Have a go at some things I've suggested, read through my comments, and ask me if anything is unclear! Above all, take some time to improve the response, then post it again for some more feedback!! I'm keen to help you get this to the Band 6 response you want  great stuff skysailingaway!

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH
I am so grateful to receive this!
Your guide is amazing, and I understand the requirements for the body paragraphs completely (I'll be sending another draft soon!)
However, I have a couple of questions (that I hope you could answer)

What would be an example of a 'proper' thesis in this case? I have the most difficulty coming up with these, I sometimes have to sit and think for a whole 5 mins on exams before I start writing my thesis! Plus what does the thesis state? Should it agree with the question/restate it ...... I'm unsure, is there a foolproof way I could tackle this?

I tend to ramble in an intro as I have no Idea what is required! What would be too much info in an intro and what is a 'must' to mention in an introduction?

You had stated; "Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with"
hmm... so the concepts that I discuss would be the complexities, characterization, internal beliefs -should I mention them only?
> How would you have written this part?

What would be a proper conclusion to an intro? something like ."hence, the representation of the divergent viewpoints showcasing the complexity of human attitudes and behaviors" > you may notice that I'm repeating the question, but Its because I'm not sure about this part and its all I can think of!

ooh and for the Intro to the body> should I say something like; "Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people as it reveals their contradictory judgment in different situations" - would this be sufficient?

Is there possibly a way I could avoid writing a thesis in a body para?> as in, jump straight to analysis?

Thank you again for the top notch explanations- forever saving your annotations! Lets hope I get that Band 6!
I'm so glad I finally have a direction- your guideline has been immensely helpful!!
Stay awesome!

[studybuddy7777]

Because I know how awesome you were in feedback last time here is my full speech on The Art of Travel (Mod C Elective 2)
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.

Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! 

Spoiler

Art of Travel speech

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it.The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.

In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.

Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.

By the constant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.

Some points to consider:
Module C: Representing and Text
Elective 2: People and Landscapes
This is approximately 4.5 minutes out of a 5 minute speech (meaning I cannot add much more to it)
Palm cards are acceptable
Due: Tuesday 23/8/16
Draft Due: 22/7/16

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.

[jamonwindeyer]

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH
I am so grateful to receive this!
Your guide is amazing, and I understand the requirements for the body paragraphs completely (I'll be sending another draft soon!)
However, I have a couple of questions (that I hope you could answer)

What would be an example of a 'proper' thesis in this case? I have the most difficulty coming up with these, I sometimes have to sit and think for a whole 5 mins on exams before I start writing my thesis! Plus what does the thesis state? Should it agree with the question/restate it ...... I'm unsure, is there a foolproof way I could tackle this?

There is no foolproof way to write a Thesis, which is why it is great to have had heaps of practice before an exam, because one of your old ones might work for the question!! In general though, you can start this way. Summarise what the composer(s) of your text are trying to tell you in one sentence. What is their big idea, their big push, what is the BIG thing you will be discussing in your essay? That will form the basis of your Thesis.

Feel free to post Thesis statements for feedback somewhere (start a new thread) 

I tend to ramble in an intro as I have no Idea what is required! What would be too much info in an intro and what is a 'must' to mention in an introduction?

Intro should have (in a similar order):

- Thesis
- Amplification, which gives additional details about the Thesis/elaborates further to link to the question
- Texts and Composers Introduced, and briefly, context as well (one sentence should do all of this)
- Why are these texts being discussed in this essay (how do they link to your Thesis)
- What themes/ideas will you discuss in the paragraphs?
- What is the overall takeaway from the essay, your big answer to the question asked (May be very similar to your Thesis?) This just wraps everything together nicely

You had stated; "Try not to discuss just what happens in the texts. It isn't necessary, focus on the concepts it deals with"
hmm... so the concepts that I discuss would be the complexities, characterization, internal beliefs -should I mention them only?
> How would you have written this part?

Precisely, these are the themes you are exploring, so they are where your discussion should lie. You can write a 20/20 essay without ever talking about the plot (and indeed, most 20/20 essays wouldn't)

What would be a proper conclusion to an intro? something like ."hence, the representation of the divergent viewpoints showcasing the complexity of human attitudes and behaviors" > you may notice that I'm repeating the question, but Its because I'm not sure about this part and its all I can think of!

Often something like this is actually okay! But instead of re-stating the question, think of it as answering the question, but you are using the phrasing of the question. This is okay!! Essentially, the conclusion to an intro is: "Thus, we are going to realise that I am correct and that I've answered the question and you should give me marks." Aha, reaffirming your viewpoint essentially! But it can be varied 

ooh and for the Intro to the body> should I say something like; "Divergent viewpoints exist to demonstrate the complexities that are within people as it reveals their contradictory judgment in different situations" - would this be sufficient?

As in a topic sentence for a paragraph? This sentence would work fantastically for that purpose.

Is there possibly a way I could avoid writing a thesis in a body para?> as in, jump straight to analysis?

Unfortunately not, you MUST be bringing everything back to your Thesis, and that requires formulating a new idea that links to that Thesis. Conceptual statements at the start of paragraphs are something I never did in Year 11, and I got stung big time, make sure you do them!! Note that they can be shorter than your big Thesis in the intro 

Thank you again for the top notch explanations- forever saving your annotations! Lets hope I get that Band 6!
I'm so glad I finally have a direction- your guideline has been immensely helpful!!
Stay awesome!

You are very welcome! Hope it helps 

[elysepopplewell]

Because I know how awesome you were in feedback last time here is my full speech on The Art of Travel (Mod C Elective 2)
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.

Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! 

Hey! I'll have a look at this with a fresh pair of eyes and hopefully it will give you some new ideas

In the spoiler, my comments are written in bold font:
Art of Travel speech

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Spoiler

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. Just for the purpose of being fluent, I would change the syntax to "When exposed to nature, an individual's mindset can influence a relationship between a landscape and a person, ultimately changing one's world perspective. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, Because your last sentence uses a negation (not) then you don't need the "however" in this next sentence when you are proving that same point over. a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, just because there can be a long process to taking a photo, so the statement is untrue. I think you perhaps mean, "A photo may be taken for its face value, rather than appreciated for the back story. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. "This" implies that there is a specific perspective change you are referring to - which at this stage isn't clear. I think the photo idea is clouding the strength of your introduction. If the photo notion is the perspective that your texts support, then perhaps say the photo idea, then say, "the texts *** and *** are a testament to the notion that a photograph doesn't reflect ..."These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
Although this is a speech, which means it doesn't have to emulate an essay structure, I think the introduction would benefit from you reiterating your introductory thesis again, just to give your work more direction and prove to the marker that you haven't lost site of your speech question.
It is up to you how you want your speech style to be. If you want it to emulate an essay more, I think you should incorporate a "mini thesis" here to clearly outline your argument. If you want to move away from this type of structure, which is completely fine, I suggest that your opening sentence here, or at least your second sentence, proves to the marker that you haven't lost sight of the question.In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. This is a wonderful integration of the "real and imagined landscape" that the syllabus wants of you. It is a really lovely integration here! Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.

Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.

By the constant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.

I think you've been set with a really difficult task here because to explain the relationship between a person and a landscape in more than one instance is extremely difficult to do in 5 minutes! For the purpose of you benefitting from harsh feedback, I will just go through what was unclear to me. But first, I think you need to be commended on the wonderful way in which you link your texts to their techniques. That's admirable! You've got that down pat for a speech. In an essay, you'd obviously need more than this and the tone would be slightly different because it isn't intended to be orally communicated.

I've pulled apart your introduction not to be mean, but with the intention of breaking it up so that you can put it all back together again in a perfect way. The photo idea is lost on me. I looked for amplification later on in the paragraphs but I didn't see the purpose for it to be in the introduction? With some adjustments, I think you can do really well. How are you as a speaker? As a confident, extroverted talker you could use a very basic structure and amplify it in the way you present, but I suggest really preparing your introduction to be sophisticated.

My only other critique is the lack of relation to the question and the module. I can see that at the end of every paragraph you draw it in, which is wonderful! But, I don't think it sits strong enough throughout the middle of the paragraphs in order to make that end link really tangible and give the listener a "ahhh, that makes sense!" moment.

I know there are so few resources available for people and landscapes. I uploaded my own people and landscapes essay in the hope of helping out a bit if you are looking for new ways to analyse the relationship between a person and a landscape. You can find that here!

I hope you don't think I'm a big meanie/meany (how does one spell that???) I just want to be thorough so that you have the opportunity to improve the overall sophistication before your draft is due! Best of luck! Please ask any questions you have

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.