English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

If you were to do it for a module A paragraph, how would I do it?

Pretty much the same! The only difference between the Modules is what is the motivation for your analysis. Module A is concerned with the effect of context. Module B is concerned with critical judgement of the effectiveness/integrity of the text. Module C is about understanding the effect of representation on meaning in all, you still need to be analysing several quotes per paragraph in similar ways, it's just linking different things

[lha]

Hi,

Attached is my module B essay for hamlet. I would like critical marking and i have something specific to ask. One of my points that i have spoken about is that shakespeare has written this play to explain that death is the ultimate equaliser and that identity is irrelevant after death. My teachers absolutely hate this idea and think that i am going to fail my mod b essay in the hsc because of it (they gave me 13/20 for my trials because of it), whereas my tutor says that as long as i answer the question, it doesnt really matter what my interpretation of the play is and that my interpretation isnt bad anyway. Please let me know whether it is a significant interpretation or if i have to change one third of my essay. URGENT HELP NEEDED

Thank you!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi,

Attached is my module B essay for hamlet. I would like critical marking and i have something specific to ask. One of my points that i have spoken about is that shakespeare has written this play to explain that death is the ultimate equaliser and that identity is irrelevant after death. My teachers absolutely hate this idea and think that i am going to fail my mod b essay in the hsc because of it (they gave me 13/20 for my trials because of it), whereas my tutor says that as long as i answer the question, it doesnt really matter what my interpretation of the play is and that my interpretation isnt bad anyway. Please let me know whether it is a significant interpretation or if i have to change one third of my essay. URGENT HELP NEEDED

Thank you!!

Hey there lha! I'd definitely be keen to give you some critical feedback, but you need another 15 posts to qualify for feedback on your essay! That's based on the other feedback you've received previously,  so once you hit that 35 total post count let me know!!

That said, I still want to help you with that specific issue. I think it's absolutely bizarre that your teachers hate that idea, because it is a fairly common one for this text, I've seen it before and it works well. Further, a quick read of your paragraph doesn't raise any eyebrows, I think it works well and is argued clearly. Provided the idea works with the question, then I definitely think you are okay!!

Just as a general alert, you'll never be marked down for raising an interpretation that the teachers disagree with (indeed, Jake made a living out of it). You will be marked down for not arguing your point well, OR, for arguing a point that isn't relevant to the question. I don't think you have either of those issues, so my opinion would be that you are set to go!

Hope that helps, and be sure to let me know when you hit 35 posts and I'll give your essay a proper critique!

[anotherworld2b]

Hi, I finished my draft for question 1 and was wondering if its better
My teacher keeps telling me to work on my expression but I am having a lot of trouble fixing it. As well as making them succinct.
PS: If possible could I get a response as soon as possible? My test on this is on Friday 

Spoiler

Answer BOTH questions in 1-3 succinct and targeted paragraphs. Your answer to each question is expected to range between 200-300 words.
Q1. How has one text you have studied used intertextuality to shape audience response?

Fairytales are preconceived by society to be perfect and moralistic. ‘The Werewolf’ by Angela Carter delves into dark messages hidden behind picturesque fairy tales. Intertextuality influences the reader to draw parallels between the gothic short story ‘The Werewolf’ and the ideal fairytale story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Carter challenges the reader's preconceived notion and expectation by using characterisation and descriptive language to evoke a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise.

Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.

Question 2: Hopefully better

Spoiler

2. How can responses to a text change over time and in different historical, social and cultural contexts? Briefly explain in relation to one text you have studied. (15 marks)

Social class and roles in society were categorised according to wealth and status around the world in the past. This evokes a sense of confusion and anger from the reader to the fact that women and men were assigned particular roles and expectations to fulfill that are considered to be ridiculous in modern society. In Jane Austen’s sentimental story ‘Edgar and Emma’ the different social and cultural contexts can be evidently compared to modern society.

The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like.

The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance.This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man.

In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men.  However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’.

Marking key (hopefully I've fulfilled it?)

Spoiler

Question 1: Description
      Marks


Demonstrates understanding of intertextuality.


       1 - 3








Explains how intertextuality is used to shape audience response.


       1 - 7



                                                                                                           

   /10









Question 2: Description
      Marks


Explains why reader response to a text can change over time


       1 - 2








Explains how responses to a text are influenced by changing socio-cultural and historical contexts.


       1 - 8



                                                                                                           

             /10



                                                                                             Total
     
             /20



               /15%

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, I finished my draft for question 1 and was wondering if its better
My teacher keeps telling me to work on my expression but I am having a lot of trouble fixing it. As well as making them succinct.
PS: If possible could I get a response as soon as possible? My test on this is on Friday 

Hey! Sure thing, comments throughout, I can't make sense of that making key though, the formatting is all messed up

Answer BOTH questions in 1-3 succinct and targeted paragraphs. Your answer to each question is expected to range between 200-300 words.

Q1. How has one text you have studied used intertextuality to shape audience response?

Spoiler

Fairytales are preconceived by society to be perfect and moralistic. ‘The Werewolf’ by Angela Carter delves into dark messages hidden behind picturesque fairy tales. What are these dark messages? This Thesis is a little vague. Intertextuality influences the reader to draw parallels between the gothic short story ‘The Werewolf’ and the ideal fairytale story ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Good link to question. Carter challenges the reader's preconceived notion and expectation by using characterisation and descriptive language to evoke a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. Good start, but I'm missing a sense of purpose; what themes is the composer trying to convey here? What's the point of the intertextuality? What dark messages are being conveyed?

Characterisation used by Carter shapes the audience’s response of surprise towards the intertextual difference between the character of the heroine within the text ‘The Werewolf’ and ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Yes, the audience is surprised by the stray from typical fairytale morality, but what theme/idea is this conveying? Does it concern death, relationships, belonging? By initially constructing ‘The Werewolf’ with a typical heroine the intended effect is to make the heroine seem defenceless to the reader to evoke a feeling of familiarity to typical fairy tale protagonists. I'll highlight sentences that could be made more succinct. The use of Intertextuality in addition to characterisation changes the classic story of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ into a contemporary gothic story ‘The Werewolf’. Achieving what? Again, what's the point of this translation? Further, how is intertextuality achieved? This challenges the reader’s perceived notion and expectation of a fairy tale by evoking a sense of mystery, anticipation and surprise. What is mysterious? In 'The Werewolf' the way the heroine hides under a facade of a vulnerable damsel in distress wearing a ‘scabby coat of sheepskin’ at the mercy of a villainous wolf evokes a sense of foreboding. Technique? What is the composer using here and why? To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’. That sentence could be shortened, see below for an example. This evokes a sense of surprise from the reader due to the intertextual difference in the preconceived character a heroine should be. Okay, the reader is surprised, but what do we learn? Again, what's the purpose/rationale? Carter's use of descriptive language in ‘made a great swipe at it with her father’s knife and slashed off its right forepaw' accentuates the heroine’s confidence and independence evoking a sense of surprise from the reader. You need to be more varied with your audience impact than just "surprised." Carter deliberately uses intertextuality to evoke confusion and surprise from the reader to emphasise that there is a thin line between what defines a good and evil character. THERE is the idea that I'm looking for, that needs to be prevalent MUCH sooner. Angela Carter also uses intertextuality in ‘The Werewolf’ to show how females can be to be more vicious and independent than rather than weak, vulnerable as perceived in ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. What sorts of parallels? Don't just use the term vaguely, give me a specific example of how a parallel is conveyed.

I don't think your expression is too much of an issue in this response, instead I'm looking for more depth of analysis. You've only used one proper technique in the response, you need at least three in a paragraph of that size. Further, you need to more carefully consider audience impacts beyond just "surprised," what ideas are conveyed? These ideas need to be the focus and intertextuality is the means by which you explore that focus. You had a great idea at the end there, thread it through.

You can try being a little more succinct by changing the order of your sentences, and removing some unnecessary info. For example:

To complement this approach, the heroine is later portrayed as a typical heroine in gothic fiction; an independent, smart yet vicious character in a cruel environment with ‘cold weather and ‘tempest; wild beasts in the forest’.

Turns into:

This approach is complemented through typical portrayal of the gothic heroine as an independent, smart and vicious character.

Notice I removed the quote; without a technique and without any direct link to the idea you are portraying, ask yourself: Why is it there?


2. How can responses to a text change over time and in different historical, social and cultural contexts? Briefly explain in relation to one text you have studied. (15 marks)

Spoiler

Social class and roles in society were categorised according to wealth and status around the world in the past. Expression Issue: Move "in the past" to the front and add a comma! This evokes a sense of confusion and anger from the reader to the fact that women and men were assigned particular roles and expectations to fulfill that are considered to be ridiculous in modern society. In Jane Austen’s sentimental story ‘Edgar and Emma’ the different social and cultural contexts can be evidently compared to modern society. This last phrase doesn't quite make sense, the different sociocultural contexts includes modern society! Perhaps say the "historical social context can be compared to that of modern society?

The significance of the separation of different classes is coherently shown when Emma addressed the Wilmots. The significance of class is evident from the reaction from Wilmot family ‘,‘They were all greatly surprised by such an unexpected address’ encapsulates Emma being a unmarried women of lower class. Retell. In modern society distinct classes are no longer present evoking confusion and anger from the reader that such treatment was common in Austen’s time. Again, you need to do more than just "confusion and anger." The author’s use of descriptive language in ‘summon up sufficient courage to ask Mrs Willmot after the rest of her family; and when she did, it was in so low, so faltering a voice that no one knew she spoke’ encapsulates how women in the past had low status and did not have a voice. Good, though you could shorten that quote if you need to, only a part of it is necessary to get your point across. In modern society there are no distinct social classes as established in the past era, people are able to talk freely using the freedom of speech. This evokes anger from the reader due to how restrictive leaving in this era would’ve been like. You are hitting the context stuff well, but similar to above, I'm not really getting a sense of purpose/direction here. I've got, "The author wrote about a historical period and the audience is angry because society isn't like that anymore." What does this achieve? What does the audience learn? What themes are explored/conveyed?

The way Emma is characterised as a meek and responsible woman whose life revolves around Edgar and marriage evokes anger from female readers. This is due to Emma’s behaviour and her obsession for Edgar. The fact that Emma’s life revolving around Edgar and marriage is unfamiliar to the modern reader who has been to perceive marriage as a secondary importance. This is due to environmental influences and conditioning in society that differs between the present and the past. Good exploration of social factors. Austen’s use of exaggeration in ‘It was with difficulty that Emma could refrain from tears on hearing of the absence of Edgar; ...having no check to the over flowings of her grief, she gave free vent to them, and retiring to her own room, continued in tears the remainder of her life’ encapsulates how Emma’s life essentially revolved around Edgar’s existence. Quote is FAR too long there, try to be selective with what you include, only include the essential bits. Whereas, to the modern reader relationships are commonly fleeting prompting the reader to question why Emma would be so obsessed for one single man. Try and do more analysis in each paragraph. I know your word count is small, but one technique per paragraph doesn't quite give you enough depth in my opinion.

In modern society, the importance of gender roles changed where women are considered to be of equal standing to men.  However, taking into consideration the cultural and social context during Jane Austen’s time the importance of marriage is accentuated. For the modern reader; male or female they can not fathom living in an time period where there is distinct social classes and roles as well cultural expectations. Evidently, readers will be angered and confused to the different different historical, social and cultural context of the text ‘Edgar and Emma’. This conclusion is good, it concludes well, but it accentuates the fact that there is no sense of direction to your essay. "The audience can't relate to the social context of Austen's time," isn't quite enough.

My main concerns here are same as above. You hit the context stuff well, but you need to develop some stronger analysis (again, more than one technique per paragraph is essential). Part of this will be developing a Thesis, some idea that you explore throughout the response. It isn't enough to just say, "The modern audience doesn't get it," it needs to be more well rounded than that. Try exploring/linking to a theme like love, relationships, or belonging! What ideas (regarding these themes) is the audience presented with (include technique to show how), and how does our modern response differ to that of Austen's context (and why). The context stuff is great, but it needs to serve a purpose!

[caitie145]

Hey !

I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know Thanks !!

[conic curve]

Hey !

I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know Thanks !!

I think for the first paragraph, it would've been better to write something like "Shakespeare's tragic drama Hamlet explores the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.

The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. - in which way/how

Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. -universal characteristics such as what?

The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both-how?
I think in the second paragraph, it's neccessary to talk about the great chain of being

In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole.- I think this needs expanding

The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. -To me, this sentence doesn't really make sense

Hopes that helps

[Lauradf36]

Hey !

I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know Thanks !!

Here is my attempt at feedback... let me know if it doesn't make sense, haha!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey !

I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know Thanks !!

Hey there! I am well familiar with this Mod B question, I did a very similar question on "intense human emotions" for my own assignment.
The comments are in the spoiler

Spoiler

Ultimately, in this Shakespearian drama, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.

In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. You might need an Oxford comma in this last sentence here. Just because of the repetition of "and" I am struggling to work out the syntax in the way you intend it. Have a quick google about oxford commas and you should see what I mean The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics.  Great introduction in terms of ticking the boxes of each sentence having a purpose. I just have one suggestion: For Module B, talking about textual integrity is so important, its in the rubric. So I'd be very interested in writing about the textual integrity of Hamlet as a representation of intense human emotions. Textual integrity is something to add to your list of "module B must haves.".

The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both. The immense corruption experienced by both of these characters leads to the corruption of the court and the state. In the Elizabethan era, the concept of the ‘body politic’ meant that a monarch’s physical and emotional state was representative of their country. Much like other Shakespearian Play’s Hamlet demonstrates the idea that if the King (Claudius) reigns on false or evil grounds, then the whole kingdom suffers; introducing the theme of corruption into the play from the moment the ghost is seen alerting the audience to the fact that there has been foul play. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is established in Act 1, scene 2 where both characters are first introduced. The italicised part here is great in terms of clarity of expression. However, it is 140 words without textual analysis. You haven't introduced any unimportant things, it's more about you getting the most value for each sentence. If possible, I'd shuffle this around a bit so that you have a bit of context, a bit of textual analysis. It's more of a weaving process. Don't get me wrong, this stands strong as is, I'm just looking for a way to heighten the sophistication. Claudius references Hamlet’s father Old Hamlet’s death “our dear brother’s death the memory be green”. Through irony and descriptive language, the character of Claudius can be seen as manipulative and confident as he is his brother’s killer. In Claudius’s soliloquy in Act 3, scene 3 he prays for forgiveness for his evil deed. “My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen” he acknowledges that he has the fruits from his act but ironically will not give them up in order to be forgiven and repent. While he prays Hamlet observes contemplating killing him there however, it would ironically send his soul to heaven while his father’s is still suffering in purgatory and never had the chance to pray and repent before his death. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is further strained as Hamlet believes that Claudius is responsible for corrupting his mother as he admits in his first soliloquy. “’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature”. This metaphorical image of the world demonstrates Hamlet’s disgust at the corruption of his mother through Claudius. Claudius is the heart of the play’s corruption, having killed the true king and married his wife. Hamlet is constantly returning to images of disease and rot, which frames the plays theme of corruption and moral corruption stemming back to his negative relationship with Claudius. Hamlet is a meditation upon power’s ability to corrupt one’s morals extending to the state of Denmark beginning with Shakespeare’s representation of the characters Claudius and Hamlet’s intense human relationship demonstrating the significance of corruption throughout the play.  My only critique for this paragraph is just linking corruption with the intense relationship a bit more. It might need to be traced back to the first two sentences of the paragraph again. Corruption stands far more prominently in this paragraph than the relationship, which is fine, it's just about bringing it together now to respond to the question. Perhaps reorganising your concept statement to involve the two ideas of corruption and relationship as being intertwined might just tighten the connection!

It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet is just pretending to be mad or if he does actually descend into real madness during the play. It is through the representation of the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz that we can see the significance of their relationship in relation to madness. Really original! Cool! Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour. Hamlet uses the pretence of madness as a defence mechanism, as something to hide behind. Through dramatic irony from Act 1, the audience knows that Hamlet is putting a pretence of madness on however, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are unaware of this. When he insists that Guildenstern play the pipe, his wit is brutal as he taunts his former friend “you would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops…/ S’blood, do you think I am easier to be played upon than a pipe?”. Hamlet has discovered that his friends were sent by the King and Queen and manipulates them. By this point he has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern completely off-balance with his pretence of madness. This last italicised bit is just a little slow to get to the point and be punchy. I don't think you've wasted an entire sentence anywhere, but I think it can be rephrase to kind of condense it all down and leave the rawest, most important parts.During Hamlet’s conversation with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz there is a switch to pose often used to mimic the language of madness; “the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air- look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof…”. Throughout Hamlet’s speech there is juxtaposition of positive and negative imagery as well as tone changes confusing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into believing that he is mad. Very good! This bit is great!! Also in this speech is Shakespeare’s eloquent expression of Renaissance views of the infinite potential for good of human kind and the world, combined with contemporary beliefs on the nature of melancholy. Significantly, Hamlet says nothing about his reasons for his state of apparent madness, the reasons of which the audience is already aware. He adds a final enigmatic comment, "final enigmatic comment" ... love this!perhaps suggesting that he is not mad at all, and clearly knows the difference between one thing and another, between truth and falsehood “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw”. Guildenstern describes Hamlet’s behaviour as “with a crafty madness keeps aloof” and he is right, though later Hamlet’s strangeness has him convinced that his madness is real. Through the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz the audience is captivated through Hamlet’s characters use of wit and humour becoming significant to the play as a whole as their interactions further the pretence of madness and contributing to the main plot of the play.  You write so eloquently it is immensely hard to critique. However, I will try! With this paragraph, I think it just needs a little more work in terms of responding to the question. So you've talked about how the relationship between characters brings the enigma of madness to the surface, and you've explained how its done. What I'd really love, just to get that "yes! Nailed it!" kind of vibe, is more of an explicit connection between the relationship and madness - is it because the people in the relationship are juxtapositions of each other? Is it because they bring out different personalities in each other? Does madness bind them? I think that madness comes through strong here, as did corruption in the first paragraph, but the relationship element just needs a small push to really tie it together.

In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Just to drag out the conclusion a bit more (if you have the word limit to do so) I suggest giving a sentence of summary and expression to each of your body paragraphs, rather than cramming them into the one. This way you show your confidence with the arguments but also provide a really good summary to leave a good taste for the marker.

You've done a great job here! The best part about this is that all of your textual analysis is judiciously chosen and well supported, you really understand whats happening in the text on a macro and micro level. My critiques come from two places, the concept statements and the question. Concept statement might not be the best word to use here, but I essentially mean your introductory sentence to your body paragraphs. I think that their succinctness can be improved to just be a little more punchy and original. Corruption and madness are two themes that you are keen to apply, and that's great because it's authentic and original. What can be improved is the way it is introduced as being really engaging. For example, when I read the introduction to the madness paragraph, I wasn't clear on exactly how the INTENSE nature of the relationship was going to be exemplified by madness. So at that point, I wasn't given a clear direction, but more of an invitation to look further. Which brings me to the next critique. The question requires you to talk about intense human relationships, and I think the "intense" part has been neglected a little. Each year they throw in little words like intense and each year they are reported in the notes from the marking centre as being overlooked by students. Last year, I had to talk about the provocative portrayal of identity for Mod B, and the notes from the marking centre reported that it was overlooked by so many students - the provocative nature. Grabbing on to those small words and tackling them with confidence can really impact the way that your work is perceived. You'll set yourself a part if you focus on the little details!

Overall, your actually analysis and textual understanding is wonderful, which is great, because at this point in the game it can be very stressful to have to improve that. What is keeping you from the highest marks is your approach and response to the question, and then a connection to the arguments you've prepared.

I suggest going back through and work on weaving in the "intense" nature a bit more, and potentially rephrasing your introductory statements to your body paragraphs. Let me know how you go and please let me know if you have questions!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey !

I was wondering if someone could take a look at this essay before i hand it in. i'm not sure if it really answers the question and if there is anything i can do to make it better please let me know Thanks !!

Thanks to conic and Laura for the awesome feedback! Giving feedback like this is a great way to improve your own writing skills, and notice ways to develop your own responses for the HSC. Ironically, teaching something is the best way to learn it

To caitie, thanks for posting your essay!! I've put my comments throughout your essay in the spoiler below:

Spoiler

Ultimately, in this Shakespearian drama, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences.
Explore the significance of one or two intense human relationships, evaluating their significance to the play as a whole.

In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representation of intense human relationships that captivates audiences. I'd like to see you do something to make this idea your own. This first sentence is good, but it's very much standard, as in, this topic sentence will be written by a solid 15-20% of students who answer the question. Try and dig a little deeper: What are these relationships? Where does the focus lie? What ideas about relationships are presented? The relationships between Hamlet and Claudius, Hamlet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern become significant to the play as a whole. The significance of these intense human relationships stems from key ideas explored by Shakespeare such as corruption and madness. As above, some more detail here would be great. Hamlet is a play that shows representations of intense human relationships that captivate audiences due to its universal characteristics. A solid introduction; I'd like a little more focus on the module, that is REPRESENTATION. Remember, your intro should establish the idea of techniques, and how they form a representation of an idea by Shakespeare.

The characters of Hamlet and Claudius are represented throughout the play as having an intense human relationship however with a negative impact on both. This would work well as a second sentence; try to make the first one conceptual. That means, make a general statement of an idea that you want to explore. The immense corruption experienced by both of these characters leads to the corruption of the court and the state. In the Elizabethan era, the concept of the ‘body politic’ meant that a monarch’s physical and emotional state was representative of their country. Much like other Shakespearian Play’s Hamlet demonstrates the idea that if the King (Claudius) reigns on false or evil grounds, then the whole kingdom suffers; introducing the theme of corruption into the play from the moment the ghost is seen alerting the audience to the fact that there has been foul play. Be careful here, you are slipping into textual retell; telling me what happened in the text and then linking to your idea. This definitely isn't enough in this module: The focus MUST be on techniques (symbolism, figurative language, mise en scene, etc. The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is established in Act 1, scene 2 where both characters are first introduced. Retell, this sentence could be removed/blended into subsequent sentences. Claudius references Hamlet’s father Old Hamlet’s death “our dear brother’s death the memory be green”. Through irony and descriptive language, the character of Claudius can be seen as manipulative and confident as he is his brother’s killer. Try to keep your technique and quote in the same sentence; in general it leads to better flow and clarity in your ideas. In Claudius’s soliloquy in Act 3, scene 3 he prays for forgiveness for his evil deed. “My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen” he acknowledges that he has the fruits from his act but ironically will not give them up in order to be forgiven and repent. Retell. While he prays Hamlet observes contemplating killing him there however, it would ironically send his soul to heaven while his father’s is still suffering in purgatory and never had the chance to pray and repent before his death. Retell. To determine whether you are retelling; ask yourself: Would someone who had seen the play need to be told this, or would they know it already? The relationship between Hamlet and Claudius is further strained as Hamlet believes that Claudius is responsible for corrupting his mother as he admits in his first soliloquy. “’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature”. This metaphorical image of the world demonstrates Hamlet’s disgust at the corruption of his mother through Claudius. What does this show us about the nature of relationships? Be sure to continually link back to your main idea! Claudius is the heart of the play’s corruption, having killed the true king and married his wife. Retell. Hamlet is constantly returning to images of disease and rot, which frames the plays theme of corruption and moral corruption stemming back to his negative relationship with Claudius. Nitpick here: NEVER give credit for a technique to a character. It MUST come from the composer. Hamlet, here, is just Shakespeare's puppet to communicate ideas; all credit is with Shakespeare. Hamlet is a meditation upon power’s ability to corrupt one’s morals extending to the state of Denmark beginning with Shakespeare’s representation of the characters Claudius and Hamlet’s intense human relationship demonstrating the significance of corruption throughout the play. Very long winded sentence there; break it up a little. This is a fantastic conclusion thematically, but these themes aren't explored in the paragraph. Be sure to maintain a conceptual focus!

It is one of the great enduring questions in the play Hamlet as to whether Hamlet is just pretending to be mad or if he does actually descend into real madness during the play. Remove that second "during the play," you establish the play already, but cool intro! It is through the representation of the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz that we can see the significance of their relationship in relation to madness. This is a much better introduction; normally conceptual would be the key, but this one is very clever. Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour. Retell. Hamlet uses the pretence of madness as a defence mechanism, as something to hide behind. Through dramatic irony from Act 1, the audience knows that Hamlet is putting a pretence of madness on however, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are unaware of this. Be sure not to just identify a technique, tell me what it does. Why did Shakespeare use it? What was he trying to communicate about madness? When he insists that Guildenstern play the pipe, his wit is brutal as he taunts his former friend “you would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops…/ S’blood, do you think I am easier to be played upon than a pipe?”. Retell. Hamlet has discovered that his friends were sent by the King and Queen and manipulates them. Retell. By this point he has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern completely off-balance with his pretence of madness. During Hamlet’s conversation with Guildenstern and Rosencrantz there is a switch to pose often used to mimic the language of madness; “the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air- look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof…”. Retell. Throughout Hamlet’s speech there is juxtaposition of positive and negative imagery as well as tone changes confusing Guildenstern and Rosencrantz into believing that he is mad. Better, but what is the impact on us? WHY did Shakespeare employ these representational devices, what does it achieve? What does it teach us? Also in this speech is Shakespeare’s eloquent expression of Renaissance views of the infinite potential for good of human kind and the world, combined with contemporary beliefs on the nature of melancholy. Give me evidence of this! Significantly, Hamlet says nothing about his reasons for his state of apparent madness, the reasons of which the audience is already aware. Retell. He adds a final enigmatic comment, perhaps suggesting that he is not mad at all, and clearly knows the difference between one thing and another, between truth and falsehood “I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw”. Retell. Guildenstern describes Hamlet’s behaviour as “with a crafty madness keeps aloof” and he is right, though later Hamlet’s strangeness has him convinced that his madness is real. Through the intense human relationship between Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz the audience is captivated through Hamlet’s characters use of wit and humour becoming significant to the play as a whole as their interactions further the pretence of madness and contributing to the main plot of the play.

In the Shakespearian Drama Hamlet, it is the representations of intense human relationships that captivates audiences and become significant to the play as a whole. The relationships between Claudius and Hamlet, Hamlet and Guildenstern and Rosencrantz through the key ideas of corruption and madness captivate audiences and provide significant insight into the play as a whole. Try to add a little more 'beef' in this conclusion; it should be a solid three-four sentences. Re-state your main Thesis, relink the question and module to your text, summate what you've proved.

Whoops, just realised Elyse has given feedback too, but I'll keep this here for reference. My main comment would be on eliminating retell: You need to develop your analysis to include more techniques, and shift focus away from recounting story elements. An example of what I mean:

Claudius calls upon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as they are good friends of Hamlet and he instructs them to spy on Hamlet and find the reason for his odd behaviour.

This is retell. Why? Because your marker has seen/read the play, and therefore, knows this already. It's a direct re-statement of plot. These need to be almost entirely removed from your response, and replaced with more analytical approaches. For effective analysis, go to TEA for each of your quotes: Technique, Explain What it Shows About the Concept, Audience, what is the impact on the responder, why did the composer use the technique in the first place?

You got 4 bits of feedback (lucky duck!) from 4 different people, different things will conflict (Elyse and I's feedback doesn't match, for example). This reflects the different approaches to the subject that different people take, and all have merit. Use them all collectively, like you would several textbooks, and let us know if you have any questions! 

[Sahar8642]

Hey,
I am trying to write an integrated essay for Module A. My texts are Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis.
I started but have no idea whether I am going in the right direction or not.

So far I have written a plan to answer the Question:
Evaluate how comparative study of the intertextual perspectives, values and attitudes evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four and Metropolis display the link between despotic power and rebellion.

My Plan:
Para 1: Absolute control eventuating in the suppression of individuals and them living in fear
Para 2: The necessity of rebellion to break free from the destructive cycle of oppression- rebellion that actually occurs in each text
Para 3: The outcome of rebellion in each text- the efficiency of rebellion?

I was wondering if someone could give me feedback on my Intro and Body para 1 and also advice on whether I should add or eliminate anything.

Systematic oppression achieved through the exploitation of power and control eventuates is integral in ensuring citizens are consumed with the structure of their day to day lives. However, the ability of individuals to revolt against totalitarian regimes arises from their internal frustration and external forces. Fritz Lang’s dystopic film, Metropolis (1927) exposes the methods employed to achieve absolutism in a dictatorial civilisation and the possibility of an uprising and eventual unity between the two classes. A comparative study with a similar prose novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949), by George Orwell manifests a totalitarian civilisation, in which rebellion although present, is portrayed as futile. In both texts, individuals are reduced to mere vessels of obedience by enforcing slavery in various methods. However, each text places different focus on the attitude of citizens towards their low status in society due to the differing aims of each leadership.

Absolute control eventuates in a self-defeated population who have no control over their freedom. This is clearly portrayed in Lang’s Metropolis, through the costuming and Lang’s choreography of the proletariats in the dystopic world of Metropolis. The uniform and robotic-like movement of the workers, who are all dressed in numbered uniforms, alludes to their lack of individuality and reveals their despondent state, as a result of Joh Frederson’s exploitation of authority successfully instilling fear in the workers. Moreover, the lack of identity of the labourers is demonstrated in the larger 10-hour working clock which overshadows the smaller 24-hour clock. This symbolises the strict schedules and systematic oppression the workers endure and the insignificance of their life in comparison to their duties in the workers’ city. This mirrors recurrences during Weimar Germany such as when inflation increased, objections against the 8-hour work day also increased. Hugo Stinnes, declared the necessity to have two hours’ additional work a day if Germany was to recover. Likewise, the suppression of individuals due to the fear of being persecuted is evident in Nineteen Eighty-Four, through the comparison of citizens of Oceania to a bird, “They simply swallowed everything… [they] left no residue behind, just as a grain of corn will pass undigested through the body of a bird,” metaphorically revealing the extent to which the party’s control leads to the populace being incapable of understanding the lies of the government. Everything that is presented to them, despite it being the most blatant violations of reality, is accepted as they are oblivious of what the government’s true intentions. As in Metropolis, Orwell’s novel portrays the extreme regulations in place and emphasises the anxiety and fear endured by those who choose to defy Big Brother. The personification of the Big Brother poster, “It was one of the pictures… [Where]… the eyes follow you about when you move,” reveals how individuals are monitored to ensure that all rebellion is averted. This claustrophobic atmosphere reflects Stalin’s incitement of fear in those opposed to him through public executions and the Moscow “show trials.” Hence, both Lang and Orwell’s compositions reflect their contexts in order to depict the systematic oppression achieved through oligarchic regimes.

Thank You!

[melprocrastinator]

Jane Austen’s epistolary novel, Pride and Prejudice is a manifestation of the values and attitudes of its time.

Does this sentence make sense, ive read it so many times that i dont even know if it does... i don't know if that happens with other people, but it always happens to me.

[jakesilove]

Jane Austen’s epistolary novel, Pride and Prejudice is a manifestation of the values and attitudes of its time.

Does this sentence make sense, ive read it so many times that i dont even know if it does... i don't know if that happens with other people, but it always happens to me.

Definitely makes sense! You may want to add a comma after 'Pride and Prejudice' but the sentence definitely works

[melprocrastinator]

Definitely makes sense! You may want to add a comma after 'Pride and Prejudice' but the sentence definitely works

Great, Thanks Jake. Just checking, because a teacher underlined it in trials and wrote the words "HUH?" next to it, but i had been pretty sure it made sense. (I'll add the comma)

[jakesilove]

Great, Thanks Jake. Just checking, because a teacher underlined it in trials and wrote the words "HUH?" next to it, but i had been pretty sure it made sense. (I'll add the comma)

I think it's a great sentence! As long as you go on to clarify what it actually means (ie. what were the values of the time? Where does that present itself in the novel?) throughout the paragraph/body paragraphs/essay, I think it is a perfect summation