English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Sorry for asking on this thread, but how do you post a new question on the forums?

All good! Say you are in the "English Advanced" board as an example, you would click "New Topic" on the top right of the list of topics. To reply to a question in a thread (like this one for example), click Reply, which appears above any message, or Quote if you want to directly reference what someone else has said 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hiya again!
Thanks for the feedback on the other essay. I've written an intro (which is similar to the first one but different thesis) and a first paragraph for another Module C essay to practice establishing a thesis, integrating examples/effects and again cohesion. Could you please look over what I have written and provide any feedback? Thanks!

Also, a question regarding the introduction: Should I not be wasting time establishing the plots of the two texts? - and instead directly delve into a general exploration of the thesis?

Hey again!

To address your question first, giving the plot in a phrase is okay as long as it relates specifically to your Thesis. That is, establishing a wartime setting for a text could help if your Thesis is on the nature of political conflict. In general though, plot details are unnecessary filler and so totally, if you feel that it isn't helping you then best to remove it! 

Okay, to feedback now!

Spoiler

How do texts in this elective represent people and politics in compelling ways?

Through a deliberate representation of shared perspectives within narratives, composers successfully depict people and politics in compelling ways. Through this representation, the composers Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs, are able to present their ideologies. Try to talk about how ideologies can be represented in general BEFORE you talk about how these specific composers do it. My rule of thumb was always to use two sentences before I mentioned either text or composer, to make sure I got the conceptual focus set before giving examples. Barry Levinson’s 1997 satirical film Wag The Dog, humorously explores the concept by which the political world, engendered by a manipulative, theatrical element, accommodates personalities in which are most cunning. As a result of these personalities, society is forced to endure the negative repercussions in which were instigated by political motivations. Try to compress this to a single sentence. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman portrays a machiavellian stance of the political world demonstrated through the character’s unscrupulous actions which are a direct consequence of the author’s overshadowing perspective. Through a thorough understanding of the mechanisms of representation, the composers purposefully employ their predominantly pessimistic representation of politics within their narratives to effectively communicate these ideologies to the audience. An effective introduction overall! I'd like to see a list of what each paragraph will cover, and further, a better link to the question in your final sentence (link back to "compelling ways").

With the intention to effectively portray an opinion, the composers seek to intrigue the audience through their respective narratives. This is achieved through embodying a variety of different personalities within texts, so that the composers are able appeal to a larger market and thus extend the boundaries of their representation. Try to use a better word than "market" here. Further, I think the first sentence is a little self explanatory, self evident. I think you could remove it and instead use two sentences elaborating on this second sentence. This is explicitly demonstrated in Barry Levinson's film Wag The Dog whereby the central political figure Brean, idolised as 'Mr Fix It', is portrayed as single-minded in pursuit of his desires. He states 'It doesn't matter how the fuck you get there, as long as you get there'. Through emphasising the point 'as long as you get there', Brean's cunning nature is accentuated as his determination is revealed through his blind pursuit of his goals regardless of the repercussions. What technique is this? Probably repetition. You may also want to play with wording, you use the word 'his' three times and this interrupts the flow of the sentence. Furthermore, the casual tone engendered by the use of profanity 'Fuck' reinforces the notion by which the mindset illustrated by Brean is a commonality in the political line of work, hence portraying Levinson's demoralised view on the political world. Good! In contrast, the character of Motss is presented as a completely opposite character. Remove filler sentences, this sentence for example doesn't really add anything. Launch straight into the next one: "In contrast, the character of Motts is portrayed with...He is portrayed with an egocentric personality whereas Brean is depicted as a ruthless calculus. How? Technique? Effect? This is especially evident in the 'The Story of 'Old Shoe' goes live' scene whereby Motss voluntarily presents a rousing reading of the President's speech with success demonstrated through the profound impact of his presentation through close-up shots revealing the emotional effects coupled with the diegetic sounds of crying and sniffing. Motss' inherently emotional nature is revealed though his evidently narcissistic and egotistic disposition as he seeks praise for his efforts, questioning 'Conny, What did you think?' after an evidently successful speech. Try to tide the wording, be succinct. "Close up shots reveal the effectiveness of the character's rhetoric, thus showing the audience _____." These two characters, whilst sharing the common quality of featuring Levinson's misandry towards the political world, are presented in discernibly differing ways. As a result of this stimulated interest, through accomodating a variety of representations of the characters and thus a compelling environment, Levinson is able to successfully enforce his negative impression of the political world.

A solid start here!! I really like the argument you are presenting, that the composer will present the same ideas through different characters to resonate with a wider audience, very clever!! I think you have a good number of examples, you clearly know your text really well.

The primary thing to work on for you at the moment is analysis. For Module C especially, you must be focusing on the relationship between what the composer does and why they do it. This has 3 elements (TEA), with every example/quote you should:

- Technique (What does the composer use/do?)
- Explain (What does it achieve? Why did they want to achieve it (Contextual Link)?)
- Audience (What does it teach us?)

This lets you properly examine the relationship between representation and meaning that is required of this module. It is hard to do, but super essential to crack the high range of responses  right now, you are only hitting one or two of these marks at a time. Sometimes you mention what happened in the text and explain its significance, without a technique, or use a technique but don't really say what its significance is for us as an audience. Improving your analysis to try and hit these marks more consistently will improve the quality of your analysis substantially 

I hope this helps as some general advice! You are definitely on the right track  great work!

[Son of Thatcher]

Hello again guys!

Sorry to bother you guys so soon, but when possible, would someone be able to mark this essay I've done on People and Politics. The texts I used were Wag the Dog and The Tin-Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman. The question is attached

Of particular concern is my lack of focus on the 'people' section. For the purposes of my argument, an emphasis on the 'politics' worked much better and thus I almost exclusively focused on it, with only brief allusions to people. In future, is this something that would be acceptable in an exam? I would tend to think not but hey, I've already written a whole essay and a huge restructure is not something I have the time for at the moment.  In any event, any clarification here would be appreciated.

Other than that, any feedback regarding the the flow of my arguments and analysis would be very much valued!

Thanks again!

[elysepopplewell]

Hello again guys!

Sorry to bother you guys so soon, but when possible, would someone be able to mark this essay I've done on People and Politics. The texts I used were Wag the Dog and The Tin-Pot Foreign General and the Old Iron Woman. The question is attached

Of particular concern is my lack of focus on the 'people' section. For the purposes of my argument, an emphasis on the 'politics' worked much better and thus I almost exclusively focused on it, with only brief allusions to people. In future, is this something that would be acceptable in an exam? I would tend to think not but hey, I've already written a whole essay and a huge restructure is not something I have the time for at the moment.  In any event, any clarification here would be appreciated.

Other than that, any feedback regarding the the flow of my arguments and analysis would be very much valued!

Thanks again!

Hi there! Welcome back

Without having read your piece yet - you've identified a very valuable thing. I fell into this trap with Module A. I tailored my essay and whatever notes I had on my texts, to the question I had for an assignment. But then when it came up to my trials, I realised that I had totally neglected the idea that they could ask me so many things that I hadn't prepared for! So the fact that you've recognised that your essay as it stands won't respond well to a very likely question, is great. Because you have the time to work on it. I'll have a look now, with that in mind! Instead of telling you to change your whole essay, I'll try to find ways that you can possibly weave in the "people" section a bit more. I'll see what we can do...

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Through the act of representation, composers show both the best and worst of human nature

Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature.

The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted.

The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman.  By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.

However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog.

Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war. Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.

In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition.

Here is your essay with my own comments in bold font throughout:

Spoiler

Through the act of representation, composers show both the best and worst of human nature

Through the representation of people and politics, composers are able to portray both positive and negative aspects of the human condition. Great! As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world. Barry Levinson’s satirical film, Wag the Dog, examines this concept, exploring the ethically dubious acts and motivations of a corrupt political world, while simultaneously emphasising the efficacy with which these acts of subterfuge are carried out. It is through this emphasis on the impure motives yet ruthlessly effective results that typify the political world, that the nature of politics is stressed. Similarly, Raymond Briggs’ picture book, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman, encapsulates the theatre of politics, contrasted sharply by a commendable, single-minded ambition by its characters towards achieving their goals. Nevertheless, it is clear that both composers use their respective texts and their representation of people and politics as a conduit to highlight both the best and worst of human nature. This is a wonderful introduction. People shy away from fleshing out their texts and ideas in the introduction, but you haven't, which is great! However, you don't mention people specifically until we reach the end, and you tell me that representation of people and politics is evident. So, when you deal with Wag the Dog, you don't talk about people - you just talk about the dubious world of politics. Is it possible that you can say something about the political world dealing with the manipulation of people? Or, people manipulating other people? The "people" doesn't have to be those oppressed by politics, although it can. It can just be, the people who make up the politics. I hope this makes sense.

The representation of the political world as immoral aptly encapsulates the worst of human nature and this is principally evident in Barry Levinson’s work, Wag the Dog. Via his characterisation of the film’s central protagonist, Conrad Brean, Levinson denotes the unscrupulousness of the political world. Throughout the film, Levinson deliberately portrays Brean as a ruthless individual, willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish his directive: deceiving the American people. This quality is established in the film’s introduction whereby Brean declares ‘…who cares if it’s true?…’ in response to a query regarding the veracity of the President’s alleged affair. The phrase itself, coupled with the completely matter-of-fact tone with which it is stated, emphasises Brean’s bold indifference to the truth, willing to dispense with it at whim to serve his agenda. Brean is further emblematic of the inherent immorality of politics through his casual demeanour, often towards very serious topics. This manifests itself most prominently in one of the film’s concluding scenes, whereby after engaging in an acrimonious verbal brawl with his colleague, Motss, Brean gives the order to have him killed. The calm, neutral expression of Brean’s face throughout the brawl and when giving the order, accentuates his lack of scruple while his cool, detached treatment of life further emphasises his willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his ends. The simple, effortless nod signifying for the murder to proceed and the lack of any obvious signs of conscience further illustrates Brean’s ruthlessness, completely willing to kill someone he for all intents and purposes, considered a friend. Thus, it is through this negative representation of the political world, that the worst aspects of human nature are highlighted. I don't think this lacks the "people" element.  You've got a wonderful paragraph here, everything is linked and proven, it's very sophisticated! Your thesis is strong.

The representation of politics as unnecessarily theatrical similarly communicates the worst elements of the human condition and are evident in the work of Raymond Briggs, The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman.  I think the wording of this sentence needs to be played with a little bit. "similarly" is one area that I want to point out. Similarly to what? I assume you're talking about the paragraph before, but that's not clear and similarly doesn't quite make the connection. Your thesis itself here is unique, but it's not completely clear to me. Are you saying that Raymond Briggs thinks that politics are represented as far too dramatic, which reveals the human condition in its worst light? If you try and re-write this sentence, I don't think it will be hard to find a more accessible way of writing it By exploring the influence of theatre, Brigss therefore emphasises the superficial nature of the political world. This is epitomised through the disproportionate size of the Foreign General and Iron Woman, both salient and dedicated an entire page to capturing their immense physical presence. This ostentatious size connotes the theatrical element associated with politics, symbolising the superficial focus prevalent within the political world. This is further reinforced through the narration ‘…this Tin-Pot Foreign General…wanted to do something historical so that his name would be printed in all the big history books’. This phrase demonstrates the primacy of political theatre, denoting the often materialistic aims of those involved and their superficial emphasis on grand gestures. In this way, the penchant for the theatrical exhibited by these figures conveys the pointless pageantry associated with the political world, thereby demonstrating the worst of human nature. Hence, it is clear that both composers through their negative representation of the political world, illustrate the worst aspects of human nature.

However, both texts also elucidate the very best of the human condition, chiefly through their implicit admiration of the efficacy characteristic of the political world. You've gone for a really unique structure here. Text A, Text B, Both. I really, really like it! While disparaging of the immoral motivations and the heinous repercussions of political action, both composers clearly attempt to portray the efficiency with which these acts of corruption are carried out as admirable. This is especially evident in Wag the Dog, whereby at a moments notice, Stanley Motss is able to organise an entire film and production to crew to assist in the filming of a fake war. The hasty manner in which this is done establishes the efficiency and speed of the political world, thus encapsulating the innate capacity within humanity to work to one’s fullest potential. This is efficacy is reinforced through the effortless manner in which Motss and his film crew are able to fabricate a scene with a fleeing Albanian refugee. The ease with with Motss and his producers are able to accomplish this, stating for example ‘Give me some flames’ and then having the flames appear, illustrate the sophisticated operation of deception that is being orchestrated, therefore highlighting the efficiency and ultimately success, that typifies the political world. Hence, it is evident that the best aspects of human nature are illustrated through the representation of people and politics in Wag the Dog. This paragraph is strong for what it provides for the thesis. However, it is weaker than the others because techniques aren't specifically dealt with. The plot and textual references are there, but I think clearly identifying the name of a technique at play with each example proves to the marker that you not only know the text, and the module, but you also have a really clear grasp on how and why the composer chose to do what they did.

Likewise, the best of the human condition is also illustrated through the representation of politics within The Tin Pot Foreign General and The Old Iron Woman. Though frequently portrayed negatively throughout the text, the political figures of the text are simultaneously framed as dedicated and focused. The Old Iron Woman for example, illustrates thus commitment, using her vast treasure reserves for her war effort. Even through this end is depicted as morally repulsive, the verve and dedication with which it is conducted is presented as admirable. This is especially evident through the Lady’s focused gaze, serving as vector towards the treasure, thus illustrating the depth of her commitment and energy towards preparing her country for war.  This is brilliant!The way that you've talked specifically about the text, brought it to the technique, then explained how that works. This is the exact structure that is most responsive to a marker's eyes. They follow your train of thought, and the marking criteria!Thus, via the representation of the political world, the best aspects of human nature are illustrated.

In essence, it is abundantly clear that through the act of representation in their works, both Barry Levinson and Raymond Briggs communicate messages about people and politics. Although highly critical of its dubious moral credentials, both composers also at times, accentuate the admirable qualities of politics, thereby revealing the positive and negative aspects of the human condition. This needs to be longer. I'd give each text a sentence each, and flesh out the ideas in there.

Ok, great!
Here are some things you're doing really well:
Sophisticated, easy to read writing. Everything is digestable.
Great grasp on the texts.
Really unique structure.

Here are some things to improve on:
-The thesis is standard of the essay question. You started to take it further with this sentence, "As a consequence, this dichotomy has the capacity to reveal insight into the inner workings of the political world" but it doesn't carry throughout clearly. Perhaps if you wanted to claim that the political spectrum is the best agency for revealing the good and bad of human nature. This is about introducing new words that aren't in the question, but also take it a step further so you give yourself another slight agenda to use, by responding to your own thesis.
-Making sure that each paragraph has strong, solid evidence from the text, and then a clearly identified technique, and then the purpose of that. I think the "purpose" of it is particularly important in this essay, because the essay question wants you to talk about representation, which an author/composer doesn't do blindly!

Let me know if anything doesn't make sense. Happy to flesh it out more if need be

[Son of Thatcher]

Thanks so much once more elysepopplewell!

The feedback particularly in regards to the thesis was outstanding! I was indeed having trouble getting a proper thesis that could be sustained throughout. You've really helped with that, thanks!

Again, thanks for the feedback!

[lha]

Hi this is my mod c essay (elective: people and politics). my prescribed text is "wag the dog" and a related text was not required for this essay. I have a few things to ask for:

1. could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?
2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?
3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?
4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?
5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)
6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.

So sorry for asking for a lot but your help would be greatly appreciated!!!

My essay is attached.

[elysepopplewell]

Thanks so much once more elysepopplewell!

The feedback particularly in regards to the thesis was outstanding! I was indeed having trouble getting a proper thesis that could be sustained throughout. You've really helped with that, thanks!

Again, thanks for the feedback!

It's always my pleasure, particularly for someone as thankful and polite as yourself! Let me know how it goes, happy to mark any time

[Jimmy Barnes]

I was wondering if you would be able to critique a generic essay that I have made for module B

I am currently doing speeches and was wondering where I can improve in this current draft

[jamonwindeyer]

As a heads up to anyone needing some feedback this weekend (including those with marking outstanding), tomorrow ATAR Notes is holding a free event at ICMS in Sydney! As such, while we're busy with that, marking will likely be delayed over the weekend to Sunday or Monday. Apologies for the inconvenience! 

[Mizuki]

Hey heres my hamlet essay, not sure if its good or whatever but i need to cut a lot down. I have a listening task in a couple of days for hamlet and its supposed to be 50 50 or 60 40 i think but at this rate writing 1300 + excerpt words does not seem very realistic haha
thanks guys




William Shakespeare’s revenge tragedy scrutinizes powerful metaphysical issues concerning both an individual and the ever- changing world around them, resonating strongly with audiences today-due to his proficiency as a playwright and insightful observations on human frailty. Within the thespian form of an Aristotelian tragedy, the play explores the protagonist Hamlet as an idealistic young man who attempts to interpret his moral existence apart from the rampant corruption and deceiving appropriations of reality that beset his world. Consequently, Hamlet’s inordinate desire for filial revenge and justice inaugurates a deeper exploration of the tension between emotion and reason, while the inevitability of death and the usurping of the natural order encapsulate the discordant and paradoxical paradigms of the Elizabethan era; between Renaissance humanism and Christian Medieval chivalry. In challenging the dynamics of humanity and his own ontological quandaries, Hamlet raises core philosophical and existential questions that pervade through contextual barriers to echo within modern audiences.
Derived from the deep core of humanity, the irrefutable element of corruption as a driving force often warps one’s capacity of moral judgment. Through the employment of Machiavellian tactics, Claudius usurps the natural order- solely for the purpose of strengthening his status in the court of Elsinore, where there is an atmosphere of corruption that hovers from the start of the play- ‘there is something rotten in the state of Denmark’. Moreover, there is an apparent disparity between Claudius’ public and private persona; within the accretion of grammatical parallelism in - “mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage”, he draws upon paradoxical phrases to delineate the difficulty of conserving rational thought amidst a world of uncertainty and deceit, ironically propelled by Claudius himself. He is further illustrated as a duplicitous character through Hamlet- “that [he] may smile…and be a villain”; where the juxtaposition between ‘smile’ and ‘villain’ exemplifies the character completely lost in the cusp of passion and reason, lost in the burden of the façade of appearances. Overpowered by the force of greed for power, he ultimately shows the inimical repercussions of omnipotent power. This stems from the widespread uncertainty in the Bard’s time of writing, caused by the ambivalence within the inheritance of Queen Elizabeth’s rule that lead to theological and philosophical unrest. The extended motif of malaise and decay is depicted through the accretion of olfactory pejoratives “foul and pestilent congregation of vapors” and hendiadys of ‘foul’ and ‘pestilent’, mirrors Hamlet’s all-consuming pessimism and nihilistic disillusionment when decoding the boundaries between the truth and deceit. Goethe states that Hamlet is one, “With the strength of mind that forms a hero, sinks beneath a load which it cannot bear and must not renounce”. We are able to conclude that Hamlets reaction to the vicissitudes of his plight lead him to his hamartia, and the incapacity of his foresight inevitably leads to the ambiguity of his moral spectrum, reflecting the moral discourse of humanity.
The perpetual tension between emotion and reason is further emblematized through the notion of delay, whereby Hamlet is subject to shifting societal expectations of human behavior. Isolated by his ‘unmanly grief’, Hamlet is inflicted upon a world of ontological uncertainty, stimulating his intellectual vacillation ensuing his inability to act upon emotion or reason alone. Hamlets constant deliberation and the incapability to reconcile his desire for revenge is repeatedly showcased through his delay. Within the rhyming couplet of “O cursed spite/ that ever I was born to set it right”, the apostrophe of ‘O’ detaches himself out of reality addressing a sort of divinity, depicting his cognitive apprehensions apropos to Christian chivalry- and resultantly, forebodes his later internal and external conflict. Hamlet’s high modal assertion of “I was born to set it right”, not only showcases a glimpse into his views on filial obligation but his awareness of it, which serves to implant within him the seeds of future doubt. In accordance to S.T Coleridge, he states that we as an audience are able to see that ‘the great object of his life is defeated by continually resolving to do so, yet doing nothing but resolve’, continuously evident through Hamlet’s inaction. The zenith of Hamlet’s struggle in reconciling his emotion and reason occurs in the ‘prayer’ scene, where Claudius is unguarded, unattended and attempting to seek exoneration for his “offence so rank it smells to heaven”. Accentuating a tonal shift, the hyperbolic olfactory imagery of decay establishes pathos that is sustained throughout the play. Through a complete reversal of roles with Claudius more humanized, Hamlet’s alliterated and whispery tones of “up sword, and know thou a more horrid hent” appeals to the logos of Hamlets characterization. The two most tumultuous characters; Claudius and Hamlet are seen to tackle the troubles of resolving the tension between emotion and reason. It can hence be concluded that Hamlet is a deeply contemplative and self-reflexive play where both the protagonist and the world around him are ceaselessly delayed and challenged by the struggle in resolving the tension between emotion and reason.
Furthermore, Hamlet’s struggle to come to terms with the dynamics of human mortality and his quest for meaning in life engages audiences. Through Shakespeare’s dramatic tension of this component within the human experience, Hamlet faces notions such as the inevitability of death, upon which he realizes the importance of human experience- a core Humanist ideal that continues to resonate amongst modern audience. Enkindled within Hamlet’s soliloquy, inclusive use of anapestic dimeter in “thus conscience does make cowards of us all” establishes an appeal to logos, further exemplified through the recurring euphemism of ‘sleep’ and ‘dream’- he ponders his own existence, spurring his self-reflexive nature allowing us to not only empathize with his own fatalistic perceptions but for us to also question our self existence. Moreover, Hamlet’s true turning point from his brooding and philosophical contemplation of mortality comes to a head in the tableau scene. “to what base we may return”, the inclusive, contemplative tone within the use of personal pronoun ‘we’ elucidates the universality and reality of death as an element that we are all subject to. Moreover, within the play’s denouement, occurs Hamlets realization that the world is not as ‘weary, stable, flat and unprofitable’ as he previously believed and the death of multiple characters take place. Through the anatomical synecdoche of “In my heart there was a kind of fighting…there’s a divinity that shapes our ends” the past tense syntactic arrangement engages responders to grasp Hamlet’s paradoxical and enigmatic deliberations of humanist and providential thought. Through the characteristics of a Shakespearean tragedy, Fortinbras- Hamlet’s foil character ascends the throne and moral order of the world is re-established. By overcoming the core human dilemma of mortality, Hamlet attains a sense of retributive justice for the death of his father. Critic Justin Drewey comments on the resolution of the play as “Hamlet recognizes the inevitability of death, accepts his father’s death and recognizes his own unavoidable fate” Through the dramatization of death as an unavoidable element within the permanence of mortality, Shakespeare is able to create literature that resounds with modern audiences despite contextual barriers.
Hamlet is a tragic hero stuck and comprised of the two worlds of; Renaissance humanism and Christan medieval chivalry. Rising from an era of rapidly shifting socio cultural paradigms of Elizabethan England, Shakespeare employs a multitude of dramatic and literary skills indicative of Hamlet’s ability to transcend time through the exploration of the inner turmoil that lies at the core of humanity. The play sheds light on the dichotomy between facades of appearances followed by the crippling of political and moral corruption. In challenging the aspects of both himself and the world around him, the tension between emotion and reason emerges, and the inevitability of death prolong his statis. As such, despite contextual barriers, Shakespeare’s Hamlet is a revenge tragedy play that didactically explores fundamental and universal elements and confronts the many frailties and weaknesses of humanity- enabling his ever-lasting effect upon audiences.




didnt know whether copying and pasting essay or attaching a file was easier so did both haha

[wesadora]

HULLOOOOOOOOOO. This is just a practice essay question for Mod C: People in Politics.

Explore how the relationship between the individual and society is explored in Brave New World and ONE other related text of your choosing:

Spoiler

The longing to acquire an unequivocal control over oneself and one’s environment is an intrinsic desire within every individual. Aldous Huxley’s novel Brave New World (1932) reveals this desire through exploring the mixed actions of individuals in response to the totalitarian oppression of the World State; Huxley’s dystopian reinforced through the animated film Metropolis (2001), directed by Rintaro. Metropolis’ explores the dangerous society has degraded how truth and individuality are valued. This conflict is further political activities between the plutocratic industrialist Duke Red, and an insurgent rebel organisation, as well as the unstable relationship between robots and their human masters. Both texts effectively demonstrate how a relentless pursuit for political control makes the harmonious unity of values between an individual and their society practically impossible.

Humankind’s individual struggle to maintain supremacy in an ever-changing world is amplified through technological and industrial advancement of the societies in both texts. Citizens in Huxley’s World State are the result of incredible technological progress, as seen through the frequent use of scientific jargon. For example, exclamations of the Director of Hatcheries and conditioning (DHC) boasting about how “Bokanovsky’s process is one of the major instruments of social stability!” coupled with numerical language such as the conveyor belt “travelling at the rate of thirty-three and a third centimeters an hour. Two hundred and sixty-seven days at eight metres a day”. The mechanised style of linguistic detail exposes a society in which individuals advantageously utilise the power of technology to exploit and dehumanise man through practices such as the World State’s mass production and conditioning of human individuals. The individual’s struggle for hegemonic power is also represented through Metropolis’ introduction of the ‘Ziggurat’: a technologically advanced weapon disguised as a building. The film’s opening features vectors of rolling clouds that cast the Ziggurat as the salient image with its apex penetrating high above the clouds. This dominating stature establishes it as symbol for mankind’s technological achievements and power. During a coup d’état orchestrated by Duke Red, a still frame of the president’s dead body positioned in the foreground is contrasted with the imposing background presence of the Ziggurat. This signals the shift of authority to selfish individuals who have harnessed available technological advancement, rendering the value of truth and collective unity to be meaningless. It is therefore evident that individuals will try and use the circumstances of their society to grow capable of exercising political control over others.

The constant oppression of political ideologies inflicted by society is capable of corrupting an individual’s moral code and eventually, their core identity. John the Savage is a character used as a model for the degradation of one’s hope and idealistic political values. When John is first introduced he is described “to fashion [pots of clay], to give form, to feel his fingers gaining in skill and power- this gave him extraordinary pleasure”. This alliterative depiction brings attention to his uniqueness, developing his passions through free choice in favour over accepting a false happiness instilled by preconditioning. However, John’s sinful acts in the World State such as an “orgy porgy” lead him to take his own life, portrayed in the simile as “like two unhurried compass needles…north, north-east, east, south-east, south”. Similar to a compass needle, every vestige of John’s hope and humanity is rendered obsolete by the comforts of dystopian society. In Metropolis, Tima is an android used as a symbol for humanity’s purity. When first discovering the outside world, chiaroscuro is utilised to contrast her bright luminescence with the surrounding robots and environment. Her stunning depiction accompanied with the peacefulness of slow jazz music portrays how she is an individual untainted by Duke Red’s political agenda. At the film’s climax however, a vertical panning shot of her body reveals the entire extent of being forced to submit to the society created by the Duke. Vivid, red colours mixed with the emptiness of black consume half her face and starkly juxtaposes her pure, unblemished skin. Like John the Savage, Tima is used to signify the corruption of individuals caused by being a slave to society.
The distribution of power amongst social echelons evidently leads many individuals to feel a sense of unfulfillment or confusion with their society. Huxley communicates the oppressive nature of the World State’s totalitarian control on individuals by the character pair of Bernard and Helmholtz, both of whom are dissatisfied with their social status in the Alpha caste. Bernard’s frustration stems from his physique- described as “hardly better than the average Gamma”, demonstrating his society’s facile perception that physical stature determines social status. Helmholtz, on the other hand, longs for a creative power he likens to “all the water that goes down the falls instead of down the turbines”. The dichotomy between water imagery and the built environment represents the suppression of natural, human creativity by the industrialised control of the World State’s human conditioning. Likewise, the citizens of Rintaro’s Metropolis have formed a powerful stigma arising from concerns of robots threatening the human-regulated government. When the young protagonist Kenichi enters a robot storage facility, dark lighting is utilised to hide the robots’ physical appearances, contrasting with the brightly illuminated serial numbers above them. The use of chiaroscuro in this manner diminishes their significance as ‘members’ of society to being the mere results of mass production and belonging in the lowest caste, created by humans to conform to society but never intended to live as equals.  This displeasure is further seen when an anti-robot political party interrogates the android Tima. A rotating camera circles around Tima’s dumbfounded countenance; the dynamic motion reflecting her confused state of identity caused by the society’s distinct division in social structure, since she is both human and robot. Both societies’ capitalist attitudes have caused these characters to be displeasingly aware of their eliminated individualism and desire change.

Both Huxley and Rintaro explore the individual’s struggle for purpose amidst their respective societies’ intense fixation on the ownership of power. Individuals will try and utilise numerous political circumstances and unique tools to supremely differentiate themselves from the majority of society, for example technological advancement. However, the resulting perpetual conflict with society evidently deteriorates the integrity of one’s identity and individualism.

Also, I was thinking of using this as a basis for a memorised essay...would you have any tips concerning this?
Thanks- Wes

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is my mod c essay (elective: people and politics). my prescribed text is "wag the dog" and a related text was not required for this essay. I have a few things to ask for:

1. could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?
2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?
3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?
4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?
5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)
6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.

So sorry for asking for a lot but your help would be greatly appreciated!!!

My essay is attached.

Hey there lha! Sorry for the delay in this feedback! Essay is attached and I'll answer your questions below! 

Spoiler

Evaluate how competing or similar political perspectives offer new understandings of individuals and the broader world. In your response make detailed reference to your prescribed text.

The competing political perspectives of individuals in society are revealed by the representation of critical political situations in its texts. Cool Thesis, but you could go deeper. WHY are they revealed? (it would have something to do with multiple viewpoints being better than one) As a result, representors like Barry Levinson are able to portray politics as an alluring affair to the broader world, formulated by hierarchical power structures that present displeasing situations in a favourable manner to a naïve society in order to establish new understandings thought to be sincere. This is a little vague; new understandings about what? Doesn't quite flow naturally from the first sentence. Levinson therefore utilises the filmic medium in Wag the Dog (1997) to represent his own belief in the presence of corruption and manipulation at the foundation of the American political system; that an individual’s reliance on political idols, in accordance with an their desire to believe, stimulates their trust for a deceitful organisation while constituting a degree of vulnerability to gullibility. Good! But again, this doesn't really flow from the last sentence, the "therefore" is throwing me a little. Levinson’s representation of a real life political event occurring in his context of 1997 therefore reveals his own personal belief of the manipulative influence that a corrupt political system has on people in society.  Solid Thesis overall, good work. However, this is an EVALUATE question, you must include your judgement as to how effectively the text gives the audience new insights. I'm looking for words like "effectively" or "ineffectively" (and more interesting versions).

In Wag the Dog, Levinson’s belief in the corruption of politics is primarily represented through his allegorical portrayal of political situations. Good! I'd like to see this as the second sentence in your paragraph though, to start, try doing something about what the corruption of politics reveals about politicians (link to question). This belief regarding the corruptive behaviour of politically dominant authority is primarily expressed by Levinson through his satirical representation of a fictional political scandal, commonly interpreted as a historical allusion to the famous Monica Lewinsky Scandal of 1998. Satire, as shown through the dialogue of Tracy, “what would they do if I did tell someone?” and Brean’s response, “come to your house and kill you”, is relied upon by Levinson as a textual form to articulate this fraudulent political situation while ensuring the constant relevancy of his film to all contexts and political situations. Not really a textual "form," more a stylistic feature of sorts, but good! Furthermore, Levinson’s cynicism towards politics is affirmed in his characterisation of Conrad Brean. He is introduced as “Mr Fix It” in the opening scene, accompanied with upbeat, non-diegetic, guitar notes creating anticipation amongst the viewers of the film that an individual of important status has been announced. Try not to slip too much into recount; focus on techniques! Brean’s condescending tone as he addresses his colleagues as “you kids” further emphasises his own narcissism, an expression to the film’s audience of not only his valuable positioning in the political party, but Levinson’s own belief of a common cause of corruption within it. Slightly awkward wording there. Levinson additionally uses satire through this characterisation of Brean to confound the audience as he has not conformed to the emblematic political standards of the President being in power. Thus, his representation of the metaphorical political ‘spin doctor’ reveals his personal perspective of the corruption caused by what he believes to be the real puppet masters of politics. Levinson’s juxtaposing characterisation of Sergeant William Schumman, a convict who “raped a nun” pretending to be a war hero, as a personification of the corruption occurring is further indicative of this pessimistic stance on politics; a symbolic tool the composer employs to convey Schumman's use by the political system. Levinson’s representation of his characters and contextual political situations successfully conveys his own belief based valuation of the corruptive behaviour he deems to be rife within politics. Your analysis in this paragraph is great on the whole! Be careful not to lean too heavily on plot details. Nice evaluative statement at the end, try and integrate it a little more, and further, try to offer what the audience learns about individuals/world a little more clearly.

The manipulative power of politics is asserted by Levinson by means of representation of a political party’s ability to retaliate against defamatory political situations. The close-up shot of the actors’ eyes, coexisting with the repetitive, metaphorical statement to “not change horses midstream” in the political advertisement campaign is used to persuade the internal audience, the American public, to act in a certain way. In what way? What does the audience learn? Levinson depicts a typical American campaign to manifest his belief of manipulative politics while also relating the external audience’s reality of a real time election to his metafictive film. Great, but would be better with specific techniques/examples. Levinson expands this connection to the external audience through the satirical manipulation of the public of the film, the height difference and low angled shot of the younger actor within the advertisement symbolising the inferiority of the public as compared to the political party. You are using satire frequently (not seeing the text I can't vouch for how accurate it is, but it works effectively from an essay standpoint). Brean’s hyperbolic tone within the question, “what have they done for us?” allows the manipulation of Motss to agree with him on his decision to stage a war. What does this show the audience? In addition, the ironic lyrics played during the ceremony of Schumann’s return, “our minds are sharp, our eyes are clear”, are used to manipulate the internal audience into the belief that they are being told the truth and that they can clearly see the ”issues” that their country is facing. Slipping into textual retell here, why does this matter for us as an audience? What do we learn? Through this, Levinson fluently presents his belief of the subtle tactics used by ‘spin doctors’ to profoundly manipulate the public. Moreover, the manipulation observable in the film is conveyed to the external audience through Brean’s foreshadowing dialogue where he states that “we’re not gonna have a war, we’re gonna have the appearance of a war”. Levinson has used this response to a politically scandalous situation to articulate his belief of the manipulatory behaviour used by political cadre. Through these scenes, Levinson has represented the political situations to articulate his confident beliefs of the manipulative organization that is politics.


Levinson’s representation also illuminates his cogent belief of the gullibility of the public through his portrayal of political situations and events concerning this tendency in his film. Throughout it’s entirety, Levinson portrays the internal public in an unintelligent and deceivable light as shown through Motss‘ rhetorical dialogue, “what does it matter if it’s true?“. Thus showing? In addition, the dark scene in which Motts and Brean are seen throwing shoes into a tree, is illuminated by the street light to initiate the significance of their actions, and is reaffirmed through Motss‘ high modality dialogue where he foreshadows that they are making “history Connie!“.  Levinson has used this politically motivated situation and the following scene consisting of a low angle shot of a pair of white shoes being flung onto electrical wires, to reinforce his compelling belief that societies are subjected to gullibility upon indirect commands given by political figures. Good work here, but try to bring it in earlier rather than just doing the link at the end! Furthermore, a montage of panning shots commencing with the single pair of shoes combines with a focused shot on a pair of shoes in a tree set against a backdrop of many others to create a symbol of the abundance of citizens that politics has deluded. Non-diegetic music, repeating the words “old shoe” portrays the progression of naivety amongst the gullible public. Levinson, through this political event, has vocalised his opinion that as more people are administered information thought to be reliable, increased groups of credulous people become victimised due to their ignorance to an issue. Moreover, the scene in which the spin team produce a parody of a war to create fake political propaganda is also used by Levinson to express the innocence of citizens in relation to politics. The girl hired in this scene to unknowingly impersonate an Albanian girl amidst an Albanian war exclaims that she “can’t wait to put this on [her] resume!“. This sentence is retell, you can remove it, it doesn't do anything for you. Her callowness is used by Levinson as a satirical means to further conduct his belief of a dupable society to political schemes. This paragraph needs a broader conclusion as you have earlier.

In summation, Wag the Dog is eloquent of the corruption within politics, manipulation of politicians and gullible nature of the public. Get rid of "in summation." Sounds awkward in my opinion. The representation of disreputable political situations and electoral events has been made by Levinson through the use of devices and conduits to prove his cynical political perspective, beliefs and values. Thus, through the representation of political events and situations, the revealing of Levinson’s beliefs and values has been made. Slightly awkward wording in that last sentence too.

1. Could you please let me know if i have answered the question (the question is at the top of the document attached)?

Yes and no. I think you are linking to the question indirectly, but you need to work on what the AUDIENCE learns about individuals and their broader world to be a little more effective. This may involve slightly rewording your paragraph topic sentences or Thesis to create a greater link between the composers' views on politics and what the audience gains from the text.

2. let me know if my analysis is great (or not)?

Your use of techniques is great, very representation driven response (perfect for Mod C) with little slips into retell. Again, the only thing letting you down is linking to what the audience learns from the text. You do it implicitly in places, but it needs to be obvious throughout the response.

3. as I will have to write this in as in an inclass exam, I need to shorten it by about 200 words so if you find anything irrelevant, could you please let me know so I can delete it?

I can't see too much specifically "irrelevant," but you can definitely be a little more succinct with your wording. Keep working on the essay and try to express yourself with the same meaning in less words: Shuffle words around to make things flow better, use more powerful word choices, remove all unnecessary plot details 

4. Im not sure if I have talk about the effect of Levinsons's representations on the external audience (us) enough?

See comments above. This is (for me) your biggest avenue for improvement 

5. Have I talked enough about the satirical nature? (my teacher made a big point about satire so im concerned about that)

It starts to slip out of the focus the further the essay goes on, but it isn't in the question, so I wouldn't stress too much! 

6. basically I would like to know if this is a band 6 or a 20/20 essay response.

It is definitely getting there!! It is just that audience thing, it isn't much, but adding it will fix so much and get you up into that Band 6 range, it is close!! Right now I'd say it is a Band 5 response (take my word with many grains of salt, I know I can be a harsh marker at times, for numerical estimates always better to go to your teacher) 

I hope this feedback helps you, and sorry again for the delay!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

I was wondering if you would be able to critique a generic essay that I have made for module B

I am currently doing speeches and was wondering where I can improve in this current draft

Sup Jimmy! Sure thing, sorry for the delay, happy to give you feedback (obviously remember to direct your essay to the question at hand):

Spoiler

A speech is a powerful oration that has the proclivity to foster anger and resentment along with the propensity to galvanise nations, thus rhetorical forms and features are integral to the success of such speeches as they relay the orator’s purpose while maintaining textual integrity. A cool Thesis, but I think you could split it into two sentences and go into a little more depth with each (when you have a question). This is demonstrated throughout Anwar Sadat’s 1977 Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Former Prime Minister Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech, which both inextricably link the necessity for peace and equality based on justice into their speeches though an accumulation of rhetorical devices. Excellent text introduction, brilliant work. Both orations are contingent upon the use of rhetoric to engage the audience and achieve the orator’s desired purpose through the medium of common concerns revolving around peace and equality based on justice. Great work! A nice Thesis, tailor it to the question as suited, remember to set up the structure for your following paragraphs.

Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset aims to improve the relationships between Egypt and Israel through the promotion of peace and equality between the two despite decades of ‘sanguinary conflict’. Would love to see a more abstract topic sentence before this one, like maybe: "Orators may use rhetorical techniques to remove audience prejudices," or something similarly general that applies to this paragraph. Sadat establishes a peaceful base during his prelude, “Peace and mercy of God upon you”, beginning with a pathetic religious appeal, framing the speech in a religious light. He follows this statement with an explicit reference to peace, “I come to you to you today on solid ground, to shape a new life, to establish peace”. Be careful not to adopt a "This happened, then this happened" approach, markers hate it. The anaphoric repetition of infinitive verbs draws attention to the emphatic power behind the words as Sadat aims to cast aside all retrospective notions of resentment and war to forge new peace with Egypt. Sadat’s stance on peace is further compounded near the peroration where he says, “We are in for a … new life, the life of love, prosperity, freedom and peace”. Sadat’s inclusive parlance unites both Israel and Egypt in the pursuit of a new life through his ardent accumulation of desires between the two states as both yearn for mutual ‘freedom and peace’.  This paragraph needs a conclusion (which would link to the question)

The themes of peace and equality are integrated into Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech, which was a reconciliation aimed at harmonising the relationship and building a base of trust between Indigenous and Non-Indigenous Australians despite Australia’s “bad history”. Keating immediately frames the speech as an emotional appeal to Australian culture, saying “Our ability to say to ourselves … that we are … truly the land of the fair go”. Effect on the immediate audience? Effect on us? Keating’s vernacular diction somewhat truncates his political ethos, facilitating a more empathetic portrayal of Keating within the opening minutes while implicitly alluding to future equality between groups. Try to be a little more succinct by discussing quote and technique in the one sentence. Easier for the marker, easier for you, and will encourage you to remove unnecessary plot detail (massive plus, there is a lot to cover in this sort of essay, you don't have space for redundant detail. This concept of current inequality is presented when Keating says, “The report of the Royal Commission into Aboriginal deaths showed with devastating clarity that the past lives on in inequality, racism and justice”. Keating’s introduction of logos into the statement is further intensified by the oxymoronic nature of ‘devastating clarity’ along with the inherent accentuation in the accumulative listing of “inequality, racism and justice”, which gradually places more emphasis on each subsequent noun. Immediately framing the speech to address inequality through various rhetorical techniques ensures that Keating’s purpose is construed appropriately. A solid paragraph! Again though, a little more succinct would give you room for more evidence, and further, I need to see more of what the speeches mean for us as modern responders, remember to analyse the impact on ALL audiences.

In both speeches, the ever-present theme of peace and equality coalesces into a more evocative argument, one of peace based on justice. This assertion manifests itself throughout Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset, when Sadat says, “together we might build a durable peace based on justice, to avoid the shedding of one single drop of blood”. Explicitly referencing a peace based upon justice, Sadat’s inclusive diction in ‘together we’ followed by low modality in ‘might’ frames the speech as contingent upon Israel’s decision, which is pressured by Sadat through pathetic imagery in the drop of blood reference, integrating both Israel and Egypt into the solution. Sadat’s postulation of peace based on justice reoccurs when Sadat says, “we have today reached the edge of a horrifying abyss and a terrifying disaster, unless, together, we seize the opportunity, today, of a durable peace based on justice”. Again want to warn against the "Sadat says, "____"" approach, it is very easy to slip into retell that way, and you can be more succinct without it regardless. Sadat’s stark, metaphoric imagery serves to highlight the current relationship between Egypt and Israel, succeeded with Sadat’s proposed solution consisting of inclusive diction and high modality in ‘we seize’. By wholly integrating both states into this peace based on justice, Sadat reaffirms the point of contention through excessive punctuation, allowing for the oration to drastically emphasise the solution to the Knesset, being ‘peace based on justice’.

Peace and equality based on justice is homogenous throughout Keating’s Redfern Speech and is reinforced through various rhetorical devices. This thematic decision presents itself when Keating references the Terra Nullius decision, saying “By doing away with the bizarre conceit that this continent had no owners … Mabo establishes a fundamental truth and lays the basis for justice”. Immediately providing the framework of Terra Nullius as a ‘bizarre conceit’, Keating makes a pathetic emotional appeal to the majority indigenous audience by denouncing its pertinence, then augments this pathos centred argument by integrating logos via the Mabo decision and recognising that justice extends from ‘a fundamental truth’, acknowledging that Indigenous Australian’s suffered injustice which needs to be rectified. Effective recognition of immediate audience here, good stuff! Again though, could be a little more succinct. This aspect of justice re-emerges when Keating says, “I believe that the great things about Australian social democracy reflect a fundamental belief in justice”. Keating’s inclusive parlance and high modality shifts the focus of peace based on justice to appeal towards Australian patriotism, specifically that of the democratic values held by Australians. Be careful not to overly rely on inclusive diction as a technique (I had this issue in Year 12 too), try to pick creative examples with a variety of rhetorical techniques. This cultural appeal is strengthened due to Keating’s ethos as a leader of Australia and a supporter of Australian values along, which foster peace and equality based on justice.

It is through an analytical examination of both Anwar Sadat’s 1977 Speech to the Israeli Knesset and Former Prime Minister Paul Keating’s Redfern Speech that the composers’ purpose and meaning is structured by their choice of rhetorical language forms and features. Maybe not "structured by", more "evident within" perhaps? Both texts utilise these forms and features to maintain textual integrity throughout the speech, ensuring that the correct purpose and meaning is conveyed. Through this balance of rhetoric and purpose, the audience is encapsulated throughout and their purposes of peace based on equality are expressed.

This is the framework for a cool essay Jimmy! Definitely very general, not going anywhere in particular, so remember to really rework this for any question you get. This would answer many questions decently, but it would very few questions very effectively in its current form. I know your writing now and I know this will be of no issue for you 

As some general bits of feedback, first I'd say is remember that speeches are given to an audience. Remember to make the impact on audience very obvious throughout the essay, and that includes US as responders to the speech. What do we take away from the speech (this is important if you want to discuss textual integrity, usually defined as the texts values remaining relevant over time and every piece of it coming together to achieve this). A greater audience focus would up the level of analysis.

Secondly (and I know you can do this because I've seen it before), I'm looking for some more succinct expression. In this response you settle into a two sentence pattern; first sentence introduces the quote and where it falls, second sentence identifies the composers desire for the technique. Try to remove the details about where the quote sits in the speech (unless super necessary) and condense all of this into a single sentence. This will improve sophistication and give you room for a few more examples, which would be beneficial 

On the whole though, a cool framework with good ideas and a solid foundation, good work! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey heres my hamlet essay, not sure if its good or whatever but i need to cut a lot down. I have a listening task in a couple of days for hamlet and its supposed to be 50 50 or 60 40 i think but at this rate writing 1300 + excerpt words does not seem very realistic haha
thanks guys

Hey Mizuki!! Thanks for posting your essay! Unfortunately we have a restriction for marking on this forum, you must have a minimum of 5 posts on ATAR Notes. This is to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged up and thus remains as beneficial as possible. I feel so bad enforcing this because you are only 1 post away, but I have to make sure we stay consistent. Go post literally one question or comment anywhere you like on the forums, then come back and let me know and I'll mark your essay for you ASAP! (Ps - Posting back in this forum AS your 5th post doesn't count  ) Thanks in advance 

[Jimmy Barnes]

Secondly (and I know you can do this because I've seen it before), I'm looking for some more succinct expression. In this response you settle into a two sentence pattern; first sentence introduces the quote and where it falls, second sentence identifies the composers desire for the technique. Try to remove the details about where the quote sits in the speech (unless super necessary) and condense all of this into a single sentence. This will improve sophistication and give you room for a few more examples, which would be beneficial 

I really appreciate the feedback however I am trying to wrap my head around how to introduce a quote the way you suggest, I've just fallen into a pattern after years of doing it this way, would you be able to give me a short example by any chance?