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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 698286 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #300 on: June 19, 2016, 09:43:27 pm »
Hi in have a speech due tommrow
Please can u read it and provide some feedback thanks
- What can I cut?
- Is it persuasive enough?
- Is it sophisticated enough?
- Have I addressed qs-Convince teachers that two texts studied are effective choices for a parried contextual study for today’s preliminary English students                                                                                                               
-have I related and showed relevance to modern context, teenagers,

Hey Noorijaz! I know your speech is tomorrow, so I thought I'd go a bit more general with your feedback and just quickly try to address a few of your concerns. Feel free to repost your speech or another essay at a later date for some more specific feedback when you are a little less rushed!

First, I don't think there are any sections which stand out to be cut. If you do need to trim some time, try addressing a few sentences and being a little more succinct. For example,

The dominance the non-coloured race is corroborated when the context is studied as when this book was made in the late 19th century Joseph Conrad had an experience as a pilot on a steamship in the Congo-hence being the basis of Heart of Darkness.

You could trim some excess from this sentence, and be a little more sophisticated by just saying:

The personal experiences of the composer as a pilot are clearly evident in the dominance of the non-coloured race.

Or similar, I don't know the text, might be a bit off  ;)

In that sentence and others, I also notice a couple of syntax errors that detract from your sophistication. If you have time, have a read through tonight (possibly to a family member) and ask them to tell you if anything sounds a little 'off.' There are a few little errors to be found.

I think you are making a good start in addressing the question and providing sophisticated analysis. The big thing for you to work on will be taking each of your examples (great use of techniques already), and linking it to what we learn about exploitation. Right now, you are just explaining how it is evident in the text. This is good, but to really push yourself to a high level, you need to take those explanations and say, "Okay, but why should a modern audience of teenagers and teachers care? How is our understanding accentuated?" You'll also want to try and make a few more links between your texts, to really hammer home that comparative study aspect.

I know your speech is due tomorrow, so don't change too much! Maybe make a few quick changes and then focus on delivering it in a way that is powerful and convening. Eye contact, expression, intonation, etc, delivering a great speech is more about how it is said rather than what is said!

I hope this helps a little!! Good luck for tomorrow  ;D

tasiakuz

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #301 on: June 24, 2016, 05:48:57 pm »
Hi this is my module B essay for Speeches, the practice question is at the top and they have given us the overriding theme of the need for hope. Just wanting to see where words can be cut, preferably around 200 and if it is specific, critical and answers the question well enough.
Thank you so much!
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #302 on: June 24, 2016, 09:59:49 pm »
Hi this is my module B essay for Speeches, the practice question is at the top and they have given us the overriding theme of the need for hope. Just wanting to see where words can be cut, preferably around 200 and if it is specific, critical and answers the question well enough.
Thank you so much!

Hey there Tasiakuz! I can definitely give your essay some feedback, it's attached below with comments throughout in bold!  ;D

Spoiler
THE NEED FOR HOPE
Speeches have been described as ‘passionate and insightful responses to perceived injustices in the modern world.’
To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of the speeches set for study?


“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr. (MLK) adduces that the pertinence of hope is its power to drive change by looking deeply into the present to project the vision for an enriched future. Awesome conceptual Thesis statement here, I like the quote, it works well. In keeping with MLK, the political speeches of Anwar Sadat’s’ Speech to the Israeli Knesset (1977) and Paul Keating’s’ ‘Redfern Speech’ (1992), were catalysed by their passionate drive to revise perceived injustices of inequity upon the people within their contentious social and political contexts. Good introduction of text and link to the question, awesome. Although the creation of an idyllic humanity is impossible, with differing races facing unjust treatment within their respective countries, it is through the timeless ideals of peace and reconciliation insightfully conveyed by rhetoric in the speeches, which facilitates the audience to understand the speaker’s creation of a harmonious legacy. Not much I can suggest for your Thesis, it works extremely well! Perhaps you could add one sentence that links to the impact of context?

Sadat’s speech is a passionate appeal to his audience, challenging assumptions of conflict within the Arab-Israeli conflict to facilitate a united framework of peace between the nations. In your conceptual statements, try to introduce the CONCEPT before you introduce the text, just like in your Thesis. So sentence 1 sets up the concept you want to explore (without mentioning the text), and then the second sentence is something like: "This is shown in Sadat's speech, where...". This creates a more conceptual focus, which isn't AS important in the critical study module as others, but still worth exploring. The theocentric rhetoric propels the contextually driven speech, with the dramatic emphasis, “I come to you…on solid ground…we all love this land, the land of God” to immediately unite both parties with the shared value of religion, emphasised by high modality to communicate ethos to his audience. This parallels with Littlefield’s view that “Due to the different groups that may be receiving the speaker's message, effectiveness is often determined on the basis of the speaker's ability to analyse how the different audiences will interpret the messages.” Excellent analysis here! By adapting his response dexterously, he implements that “his decision” is not one to appease diplomatic tensions, “verbal juggling” or “political tactics”, but is sincere in seeking permanent peace, evidenced by his use of hyperbolic dialogue “I replied calmly…I have declared that I will go to the end of the world… I want to put before the people of Israel all the facts.” I think you could cut that last quote to just the middle phrase, that's the golden nugget. You should also have a technique for the earlier quotes if you can find it! His repetition of his assumed role as an advocate for peace enables his dream of breaking the cycle of conflict within Egypt and Israel, in order to resonate beyond the audience of the Knesset. I'd like to see you take this a step further and say what TECHNIQUES Sadat uses to resonate beyond the contextual audience, how is the speech made universal? Sadat navigated the untrusting adversaries of Israel and the divides of religion, through the power of rhetoric to create a common hope of peace as a solution to counter the single story of war facing his nation. Great conclusion - This is an awesome paragraph. Not much to critique, but I would like to see you give greater consideration to the response of the universal audience, not just the contextual, since the focus of the question is YOUR interpretation, which you must communicate as the response of modern/universal audiences.

In tandem with Sadat’s creation of a radical speech defying its time, Keating’s ‘Redfern Speech’ utilised a commanding oratory to project a cohesive vision of the Indigenous population that confronted non-Indigenous reluctance of reconciliation. Something reads ever so slightly awkwardly there, might need a bit of an adjustment. Keating’s’ unifying language with prolepsis “a year of great significance for Australia” immediately captures the audience’s attention, allowing him to present his renewed and refreshing perspective on an issue Australians often prefer to forget. As the first Australian prime Minister to recognise that European settlement effectively repressed the voices of the Indigenous peoples, he evokes through the use of emotive language and aporia that “surely we can find…solutions to the problems which beset the first Australians – the people whom the most injustice has been done” to further assure the audience that his hope of creating a “harmonious multicultural society” is achievable. Without this hope – attitudes towards the first Australians would be devoid of humility and empathy. Keating effectively constructs a speech that challenges Australia’s hegemonic hubris to optimistically spur social change not only within his context, but also for generations to come. Overall effective, but not quite to the level of your first paragraph! I think you need to delve into the quotes you have a little more, or add another example, it doesn't quite reach the level of your last paragraph.

Through his resolute hope in amity to reconceptualise history’s portrayal of the warfare in the Middle East, Sadat’s Speech to the Israeli Knesset is a proposal of peace that espouses communication over conflict. Exemplified by use of present tense; “the families of the 1973 October War are still moaning under the cruel pains of… bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers” allows the speaker to evolve the speech from evoking pathos, to giving an opinion on land issues; by showing his neutrality he enables the audience and critics to share his vision for harmonious geopolitical relations. That sentence might have been a tad long, but besides that, I think there are way better techniques in that quote! Auditory imagery, emotive familial language generates an audience empathy; I did this speech and that sentence can be used much more cleverly then just use of present tense. Sadat’s systematic construction using enumeration “The first fact: no one can build his happiness at the expense of the misery of others” highlights how the speeches’ argument evokes logos to exemplify Sadat’s credibility as an advocate for peace, a strategy that facilitated the signing of a peace treaty in 1979 with Israel. Excellent. Nonetheless, tensions today in the Middle East have not dissolved, partly due to the fact, as Abdel Monem argues, that “Leaders like Sadat can point the way, but…we, the Arabs and Israelis, must make peace ourselves.” Sadat’s hope metamorphosing into an impetus for positive change within his tumultuous landscape is not just achieved by a legally binding agreement. Real change ultimately depends on the people of Israel and Egypt carrying Sadat’s legacy of united national desires in congruency with self-interest. Another effective paragraph!

Correspondingly, Paul Keating’s rhetorical response is centred upon his faith in the power of humanity to empathise, resulting in a process of reconciliation between the Indigenous population and their rightful legacy in Australia. It is critical to understand that although 18 years have passed, Keating’s speech is equally integral to today’s society, largely in part to his acceptance of responsibility, demonstrated by his truncated accumulation “We brought the diseases. We committed the murders. We practised discrimination and exclusion.” Be a little more succinct in that early phrase, just say, "Keating's speech is equally integral...", that first bit is just empty words if you see what I mean? Grieves contends that, “the rights of an Indigenous minority are not popular political debating points.” Yet Keating’s oratory, created not for Parliament but for the people of Australia, although criticized – is evidence in its self towards the necessity of discussing the Indigenous perspective. Even in post-modern times, the identity of the indigenous population is not yet embedded into our national narrative, Behrendt stating “Keating's speech now finds itself as a high-water mark.” Keating’s elucidation towards the significance of empathy with rhetorical questioning, “We failed to ask – how would I feel if this were done to me?” reminds us of the value of empathy, currently absent from political discussion today, and consequently any active change remains stagnant. Excellent connection to modern interpretations (question). Our leaders must understand that the continual challenges of “inequality, racism and injustice,” will exist regardless of the paradigm shifts within Australia, that reconciliation is an ongoing process. Although this is great, sentences like this (and you've been borderline earlier) this doesn't relate to the speech specifically, or what the audience takes from the speech. Thus, you can cut it. Thus, the power of Keating’s oratory is not only evidenced in his response to the injustices faced by Aboriginal Australians, but his insight into the core value that makes us human; empathy, to drive his hope of the potential for steadfast values to reshape the Australian identity.  Nice conclusion there, well worded.

The Speech to the Israeli Knesset and the ‘Redfern Speech’ convey to a great extent, the skill of passionate rhetoric to spark the transformative processes of societies shaped by conflict into one’s of coexistence shared by the human race. Sadat’s boundless hope for a united Middle East defied the geopolitical tensions, inspiring him to propose a permanent peace based on a shared sense of humanity, whilst Keating’s’ faith in the power of reconciliation, challenged the outcomes of inequality experienced by the Indigenous population. Ultimately, the need for hope is identified through its source of strength, which evidently develops into a catalyst for discussing the injustices that are present in our modern world. A nice succinct conclusion, but I think you should include the audience impacts/interpretations here to resonate more within the realms of the question.

This essay is killer, you should be really proud of this Tasia, absolutely brilliant work!! Fantastic conceptual drive throughout, lots of examples, well structured, brilliant!

In terms of what to cut, to be honest, I'd cut the additional critic quotes. They don't add much to this question, since they want your understanding. But then, I was never a big user of these extra quotes, so take my advice with a grain of salt  ;) besides that, being a little more succinct in a few areas could get you back into your desired word limit  ;D

I think you are answering the question reasonably well, but I do think a great focus on what modern audiences take from the speech could make that connection stronger. You should also perhaps look at rewording your conclusions to really hammer home the links to the question, try and be very explicit with linking what you are discussing to the question, don't be afraid to use parts of the phrase; ‘passionate and insightful responses to perceived injustices in the modern world,’ from time to time. This will prove to the marker that you are responding to the question at hand (give them no choice but to give you the marks) ;D

Your techniques and quotes are quite well chosen and you are analysing the impact of those techniques effectively!  ;D I would say you are doing it more effectively for Sadat than Keating though  :)

On the whole, question addressed well with effective analysis. Have a read of the comments throughout for a few tidbits, but this is already really fantastic!! Most of the changes I would suggest (EG - more careful consideration of quote and technique, reframing the first sentence of paragraphs to develop a stronger conceptual focus, closer links to question) are small and only require minor changes. On the whole, this is fabulous, I'm a big fan, great work!!  ;D

tasiakuz

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #303 on: June 25, 2016, 09:12:59 am »
Thanks so much for your feedback! This has been an amazing help :)
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Tianna Jones

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #304 on: June 25, 2016, 05:54:13 pm »
Hey,
I've really, really been struggling with this essay. Because I have been out of school (due to sickness) the entire year and my english teacher isn't the greatest at keeping in contact with me, i have had no guidance or anyone to look over it for me.
I was just wondering if you could please let me know what bits i need to change/fix up and whether or not I'm even on the right track really, idk
Thanks in advance :)

Happy Physics Land

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #305 on: June 26, 2016, 01:10:52 am »
Hey Elyse/Jamon!

I have a people and politics assessment due next wednesday and I have written a general essay based on a 2015 HSC question. If you are available, would you please kindly take a look at my essay and perhaps give me some advice on how to adapt this to an unseen question (for example like this one from a sydney boys paper: Representation is a deliberate act of the composer. How has the composer of your core text and another related text conveyed this idea of people and politics)? I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you guys, and thank you so much in advance for having a look at my essay!

- oops I just realised I had two essays in that one document.... please only look at the colour coded essay thank you!!!  :P
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #306 on: June 26, 2016, 06:27:36 pm »
Hey,
I've really, really been struggling with this essay. Because I have been out of school (due to sickness) the entire year and my english teacher isn't the greatest at keeping in contact with me, i have had no guidance or anyone to look over it for me.
I was just wondering if you could please let me know what bits i need to change/fix up and whether or not I'm even on the right track really, idk
Thanks in advance :)

Hey Tianna! I'd be happy to take a look at this essay and give you a few pointers. The essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!!  ;D

Spoiler
Hamlet’s character has been interpreted differently over the centuries. He has been seen variously as a sensitive, ‘noble’ prince, a bloody avenger, a melancholic weakling and a neurotic procrastinator. What is your interpretation of Hamlet’s character?

Hamlet, the protagonist of Elizabethan play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, is arguably the most complex, relatable, and profound character ever created by Shakespeare. This is a character focused essay, so this works quite well, but you may want to consider something a little more general than this to start with. Like, "Characters are interpreted differently across contexts," or something similar, might be something you extrapolate on BEFORE using Hamlet as an example. However, this works well already, just a suggestion  ;D Over the four centuries since the play was composed, the adroit characterization of the prince has been meticulously interpreted and re-interpreted, with Hamlet being labeled anything from a ‘sensitive, noble prince’ to a ‘bloody avenger’. Good inclusion of the stimulus here. The prevalent fascination of Hamlets character lies in Williams Shakespeare’s masterful exemplification of the perplexing contradictions of the human mind in which many can resonate with. That sentence was a little messy, might want to reconsider wording? From the moment audiences are introduced to the despondent, mourning prince, one is enthralled in the radical incongruities of his intense character; he is sensitive yet callous, cautious yet impetuous and solicitous yet barbarous. Perhaps one of the most enticing aspects of Hamlets character is that despite him being full of disastrous faults and grave imperfections, he is still considered to be a noble prince, and even the seemingly negative qualities of Hamlets persona, such as indecisiveness, brutality and hatred, appear to enhance Hamlet's position as a tragic hero. Clever introduction, very unique, and it sets up the essay quite well. I'd suggest being a little bit more high modality with YOUR interpretation that you put in at the end, come to a more conclusive judgement to make it easier to carry through the essay (this judgement can still be "on the fence" if you like, but don't use language like "appears," be sure of your judgement!

The juxtaposition of Hamlets initial acute sensitivity in the opening scenes of the play where he is mourning the loss of his father and the subsequent callousness demonstrated when he unflinchingly sends his friends to be executed is a jarring example of a contradiction within Hamlets character. Again, you may want to start general before honing in on Hamlet! However, the question allows this approach as well.
In Act 1, scene 2, Hamlet is presented as a deeply troubled young man, who is plagued by intense bereavement due to the loss of his father, King Hamlet. He cannot fathom how those around him- his mother in particular- can resume their everyday lives when he is still immobilized by grief. Hamlet himself admits that he displays all the ‘forms, moods and shapes of grief’ ( I.ii.82), although he insists his grief is substantially more than just a display. Be careful not to slip into what is called "textual retell;" simply retelling the events of the play and what they mean. Focus on Shakespeare's presentation. At the start you say Shakespeare presents Hamlet as a deeply troubled young man, what TECHNIQUES achieve this?
             For they are the actions that a man might play,
             But I have that within which passes show,
            These but the trappings and the suits of woe. (I.ii.84-6)Try to take only the most important bits of each quote, and use them WITHIN your sentences rather than presenting them separately as you do here.
Hamlets obvious anguish when his mother refers to death as ‘common’ (I.ii.72), and suggests that he should ultimately forget his father, manifests the sensitivity of Hamlets character. I appreciate these explanations of Hamlet's character, they are definitely great, but you MUST support them with techniques, how has Shakespeare created this interpretation for you?
However, Hamlets apparent sensitivity is irrefutably undermined when he unflinchingly arranges for two of his “excellent good friends” (II.ii.223), Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to be put to death. Hamlet shows no compunction or remorse, even proclaiming that the two deserved to be executed.
Why, man, they did make love to this employment.
 They are not near my conscience. Their defeat
Does by their own insinuation grow (V.ii.60-63)
In just three acts of the play, Hamlet went from being profoundly perplexed and perturbed by his mother’s bitter suggestion that death is common, to dismissively pronouncing that his two friends deserved the barbaric fate that he himself induced. The contradiction between sensitivity and callousness within the character of Hamlet, exemplifies how the human mind is constantly changing, and reacting to external situation. I like the link back to a greater, more general concept at the end. THIS is why modern audiences remain interested in the play  ;D

Throughout the play, a consequential internal contradiction evident in Hamlets character is his tendency to be cautious, yet impetuous.  The cautiousness and indecisiveness that Hamlet shows in avenging his fathers alleged murder is dissonant when compared to the irrationality and impetuosity displayed through the stabbing/murder of Polonius.
Act 3, scene 4 begins in Queen Gertrude’s room with Polonius concealed behind a tapestry. When Hamlet arrives, he is vehemently critical of his mother, confronting her both physically and verbally. This is a perfect example of retell. Words like "when" and "then" immediately indicate to a marker that you are just telling me what happens in the text, remember, your marker has read the text! They only want to see your interpretations and ideas about the text!
“Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge./You go not till I set up a glass/Where you may see the inmost part of you” (III.iv.18-20)
Gertrude is so frightened by Hamlet’s callousness and murderous demeanour that she despairingly adjures “Thou wilt not murder me? Help ho!” (III.iv.26)
In response to the cries of Queen Gertrude, Polonius, still hidden behind the tapestry, also yells for help. Hamlet, impetuously stabs at the tapestry, killing Polonius. As with the deaths of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Hamlet disturbingly expresses no penitence for murdering Polonius in such an imprudent manner. Previously, Hamlet was dubious to act and was immensely cautious of the ghost. The Prince had the opportunity to murder Claudius who was immersed in prayer, but after deep cogitation, deliberated that killing him while he was praying would send him straight to heaven. This level of cautious contemplation is void in the ensuing scene, as Hamlet does not stop to ponder who the person behind the tapestry is or what the potential consequences to lashing out erratically are. The ideas you are presenting are quite clever, for sure, you have given this a great deal of thought! However, again, it is the lack of textual analysis that is letting you down right now.

The relationship existing between Hamlet and Ophelia is one pervaded by contradiction. We see Hamlet treating Ophelia with inordinate cruelty by telling her to “get thee to a nunnery” (III.i.143) and declaring that only a fool could marry her because a wise man would know that she is an unfaithful monster. The prince makes a conspicuously obtuse contradiction when he professes to Ophelia that he once loved her, only to tell her shortly after that she should not believe him.
“I loved you once… you should not have believed me. I loved you not” (III.i.120/123-125)
Such cruel behaviour indicates that Hamlet harbours no solicitous feelings for Ophelia; however when Hamlet learns of Ophelia’s death he plunges into her grave and emotionally pronounces his profound love for her.
“I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers
Could not with all their quantity of love
Make up my sum…” (V.i.254-256)
Hamlet seems to be engulfed in an intense internal struggle, as he alternates between loving and not loving Ophelia. Perhaps he truly did love her but by her suddenly refusing his letters, he felt betrayed and hurt. Hamlet may have subconsciously tried to convince himself that he never loved Ophelia in the attempt to eradicate the enduring pain. Once again, this contradiction in Hamlets character makes him increasingly human. Love is a universally complex emotion, and Hamlets conflicting feelings for Ophelia and his solicitous/ cruel behaviour resonates with the responder, and with societies as a whole.   Very similar to above paragraphs, good ideas, but you need some textual analysis to back yourself up!

In conclusion, Hamlet is the quintessential tragic hero who has beguiled responders for over 400 years with his profound character and intense demeanor. That sentence would be improved ten fold if you cut out "In conclusion."  ;) The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark is so relatable because through Hamlet, the play explores the complexity of the human condition in a way that resonates with people of all ages, and exemplifies how one can simultaneously have several contradicting thoughts and/or traits. Hamlet begins with the noblest motivations- to punish his father’s alleged murderer- but by the conclusion of the play, he is indecisive, brutal and fuelled by ardent fury. Hamlets character is comprised of contradiction, a common flaw seen in all societies, irrespective of time and place. Solid conclusion! Succinct and touches on the important ideas.

I think you have a really clever conceptual drive here, showing the development of the different traits of the character is a great way to organise the response, and this works really well! Well defined paragraphs, a great intro and conclusion, your structure and conceptual frame are fantastic!

What is letting you down at the moment is textual analysis. Basically, the focus of your English essay should be how Shakespeare has used techniques to influence the audiences interpretation of the character of Hamlet. Shakespeare creates the character in a way that solicits a specific response! What you are doing is instead, just retelling the text and using that to prove your points. While I know your ideas are there, this isn't quite what is necessary here.

You need, in each paragraph, to give examples of how Shakespeare has created a perception of Hamlet. To do this, go to TEA:

Technique: What technique (metaphor, alliteration, imagery, etc) has Shakespeare used?
Explain: What does Shakespeare want to show us and why? (perhaps linking to the context of the play)
Audience: What does the audience, therefore, learn about the character/theme/idea?

To see an example of the sort of analysis you need to be doing, take a look at this Band 6 Hamlet Essay written by Elyse! Obviously, I'm not saying to copy it  ;) ... However, give it a read, and see if you can identify elements of this TEA Textual Analysis (Elyse may differ from this slightly in her writing style) in her essay, just to give yourself an example of how it can be done. Then, have a go at applying it to your essay, and come back for some more feedback!!

Your ideas are definitely there, I'm keen to see you develop your analysis and see those ideas come out even more powerfully  ;D great work Tianna!

Tianna Jones

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #307 on: June 26, 2016, 07:24:41 pm »
Hi Jamon,
Thank you so, so much for looking at my essay! You have been extremely helpful :)
Admittedly, i am still a bit confused as to what parts i should take out and replace with techniques, but ill give it a go (and if you don't mind, give you a made over copy to look at shortly  ;))
Thanks again,
Tianna

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #308 on: June 27, 2016, 03:13:44 pm »
Hi Jamon,
Thank you so, so much for looking at my essay! You have been extremely helpful :)
Admittedly, i am still a bit confused as to what parts i should take out and replace with techniques, but ill give it a go (and if you don't mind, give you a made over copy to look at shortly  ;))
Thanks again,
Tianna

Hi Tianna! Best to give it a go and see how you fair, but pretty much every sentence in your paragraphs except the intro and conclusion sentences should have a technique in them. You might not need to replace them all, but instead just add some techniques? As I said the ideas are there!! It's just the techniques you are missing, but they should accompany every new idea you present  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #309 on: June 27, 2016, 06:41:24 pm »
Hey Elyse/Jamon!

I have a people and politics assessment due next wednesday and I have written a general essay based on a 2015 HSC question. If you are available, would you please kindly take a look at my essay and perhaps give me some advice on how to adapt this to an unseen question (for example like this one from a sydney boys paper: Representation is a deliberate act of the composer. How has the composer of your core text and another related text conveyed this idea of people and politics)? I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you guys, and thank you so much in advance for having a look at my essay!

- oops I just realised I had two essays in that one document.... please only look at the colour coded essay thank you!!!  :P

Hey HPL! As always, happy to help, essay attached:

Note: Feedback unfinished. Saving work so far so I can go eat food, back shortly  ;)
Another Note: Feedback is now finished (along with a delicious rissole dinner), all yours!

Spoiler
‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.


Governments should have the purpose of seeking various types of goods for the citizens – the social contract. Instead, they manipulate truth and eliminate individualism in order to preserve their power and seize absolute control over its citizens. Excellent Thesis, lots of room to move. This seeking of control is demonstrated through both Aldous Huxley’s dystopian science fiction Brave New World (1932) and Martin Luther King’s pacifist speech “Silence is Betrayal” (1967). Huxley’s satirical representation of a totalitarian society where citizens’ freedoms are inhibited through technological manoeuvre resonates with King’s criticism towards the conformist hegemony and racial injustice which permeates the capitalist American society. Evidently, political motivations are ambiguous but all regimes lead to the paramount objective of control. Excellent Thesis! Only thing I'd add is a sentence listing your paragraph topics (the themes you'll be discussing) in some way. Besides that, can't fault it  ;D

World State’s control over truth through pre-ordained caste system and hallucinogenic drugs effectively inhibits citizens from exercising free-will and fabricates false security to prevent social upheaval. Be careful to specifically mention that you are talking about Huxley's text: Further, it would be a good idea to start with a more generic conceptual statement, THEN, link it to Huxley through something like, "This notion is effectively portrayed in Huxley's text, where World State's control..." Huxley’s emotive metonymy: “Roof … awakens from a dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status and compelled Bokanovsky conditioning. The analogy of the elevator well to the Epsilon’s stupor signifies the confinement of his action and thoughts by the false security developed from his pre-destined satisfaction with the daily tedious work. Great. Similarly in King’s “Silence is Betrayal”, American government’s claim that “peace and civil rights don’t mix” perverts the truth and prohibits its citizens from freedom of thought. Technique? This notion is powerfully expressed through the rhetorical questions “Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask?” Like the hypnopaedic influence upon the castes of World State, American citizens under the government’s propaganda have also become conformists who obediently accept the government’s stance in Vietnam War. In both texts, authority figures are motivated by political stability and their distortion of truth has restricted civilians’ unique thinking. Excellent comparison here. Huxley further emphasises on control through the satirical representation of soma which provides temporary relief from the unpleasant reality. Swap "on" for "this" or something else, for better flow  :) The repetition of the sexual propaganda “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” parodies the power of the government to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truth and hence prohibiting the experience of real emotions. You could make this quote (and some of the earlier quotes) shorter if necessary for your writing speed! Not so much necessary, but possibly beneficial. Likewise in King’s speech, the use of understatement “It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor” highlights a false security that the government synthesises, whilst the real intention is to manipulate the lower class people to participate in war. Consequently, governments are able to attain control through manoeuvring the established truth and hence foster a façade of safety for its residents. Excellent textual referencing and comparison here, answers the questions very well. I'd like to see you make some remarks about what the AUDIENCE learns from the text. This is Module C, a representation module, and ultimately composers create their texts for their audiences. Thus, it should make appearances in your text, forming a part of your evaluation.

Motivated by individualism, both John and King contest the political paradigm in order to permit citizens to assume control over their own ideologies. Individualism is accentuated in Brave New World through the hyperbole “there was nothing left in the world but that one deep pulse of sound”. The symbolism of the primordial drum sound represents individual’s unique heartbeat and hence it highlights the microcosmic world that each person inherently belongs to. Cool! You could be a little more succinct there, that sentence could become just one if you wanted. However, it works well!  Inspired to overturn the conformist paradigm after witnessing Linda’s succumbing to soma, John seeks to arouse a sense of rebellion amongst the Delta population through his confronting rhetorical questions “Do you like being slaves? Do you like being babies?” You don't need the retell in the first half of that sentence, cut it and then link to the next sentence instead (or add something else, but you don't need to tell me what happened in Brave New World, because the marker will have read it (and indeed, in this case, I have read it numerous times  ;) By humiliatingly comparing the Delta caste to mindless existences, in conjunction with the symbolism of flinging the tablet boxes out of the window, John tries to lead his audience into questioning uniformity and help them regain independence. Careful here, you are close to attributing this effect to the character of John, keep the focus on Huxley. Similarly, motivated by civil freedom and the destructive impact of Vietnam War, King accentuates war as American government’s method to eliminate self-determination. War triggers poverty, allowing the government to control both the lower class black and white people by preventing them from being financially self-reliant. This is powerfully depicted through the situational irony in “…Negro and white boys … kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools”. Whereas John’s objective to free the castes is unsuccessful because intellectual understandings towards independence are hypnopaedically removed from World State citizens, King’s speech is influential because American citizens understand the established irony and are conscious of the government’s extermination of individualism. Very nice contextual comparison here, but again, keep the focus on Huxley! Otherwise you slip into retell. Despite the varied impetuses behind their actions, John and King’s confrontation of the status quo is a manifestation of independence from governmental control. Another great paragraph, doesn't quite reach the heights of the last one though, try to shift yourself away from retell and keep the focus on representational analysis!

In order to achieve the ultimate goal of control, power holders willingly sacrifice religion – the fundamental building blocks of civilisation - in exchange for political security. Through parodying Christian terminologies of “Oh Lord” and “archbishop” with “Oh Ford” and “Arch-community Songster”, Huxley depicts the dominance of technology and stability over the importance of traditional religions. I'd love to see a comment on how this would affect religious audiences? Mond’s conversation with John reveals the political intention of control behind the removal of religion through employing the personification “providence takes its cue from men” in conjunction with the metaphor “Christianity without tears – that’s what soma is”. Mond represents religion as a social construction to maintain order, and by replacing religion with hypnopaedia and soma, the World Controllers are able to control the society in their favour whilst still providing citizens with similar benefits offered by religion – comfort, safety, joy. Huxley represents religion as a social construction to maintain order  ;) Exposed to an increasingly secular society, King’s speech also conveys the government’s desire of control through its denial of religious power. This is implied through the forceful metaphor “first time … significant numbers of religious leaders … move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience”. You could definitely be more selective with that quote, you really only need the last two phrases I think! Whereas church officials have recognised their moral obligation to oppose the war, the American government continues to promote Vietnam War to secure their power of control from the invasion of communism. In both Huxley and King’s representation of their respective governments, religion is portrayed as impedance to political supremacy because God presents another source of threat to absolute control. Therefore, under the impetus of political stability, religion must be eliminated if the authority to control is to be preserved. Great ideas, but again I feel a tad lacking in textual analysis compared to the first paragraph!

Evidently, both Huxley and King’s representations of their respective contextual issues depict the governmental and individual political endeavour of control. The texts show that by using ambiguous political actions, governments are able to seek control through the methods of restricting truth and individualism and eliminating religion. Consequently, composers are able to powerfully illuminate about how politics finds expression in control. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective, connects to your Thesis nicely!

Thanks for another great essay HPL!! Your Thesis was spectacular, probably the best one I've seen you write so far, and your concepts were well defined and thus well structured throughout, a VERY nice logical structure and flow to the response which is fantastic.

Your textual analysis was brilliant in the first paragraph, but it dropped slightly in the second and third, which weren't quite as rich (you slipped into retell a bit). Keep in mind when I say that, that this is only because your first paragraph set the standard very high, as a whole your essay works extremely well.

Your concepts are definitely set, your structure is definitely set, and your Thesis is definitely set. Even your quotes are definitely set (though you could be more selective in places). It's just what you do with them. You should work on eliminating retell (remember that NOTHING can be attributed to the characters, all dues must go to the composer) and, further, making sure you integrate the audience response a little more strongly in your essay! It's a vital part of Module C.

Love your work HPL, I hope this feedback helps you!!  ;D
« Last Edit: June 27, 2016, 08:54:54 pm by jamonwindeyer »

Happy Physics Land

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #310 on: June 27, 2016, 11:24:27 pm »
Hey HPL! As always, happy to help, essay attached:

Note: Feedback unfinished. Saving work so far so I can go eat food, back shortly  ;)
Another Note: Feedback is now finished (along with a delicious rissole dinner), all yours!

Spoiler
‘Political motivations may be ambiguous, but control is the ultimate goal.’
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.


Governments should have the purpose of seeking various types of goods for the citizens – the social contract. Instead, they manipulate truth and eliminate individualism in order to preserve their power and seize absolute control over its citizens. Excellent Thesis, lots of room to move. This seeking of control is demonstrated through both Aldous Huxley’s dystopian science fiction Brave New World (1932) and Martin Luther King’s pacifist speech “Silence is Betrayal” (1967). Huxley’s satirical representation of a totalitarian society where citizens’ freedoms are inhibited through technological manoeuvre resonates with King’s criticism towards the conformist hegemony and racial injustice which permeates the capitalist American society. Evidently, political motivations are ambiguous but all regimes lead to the paramount objective of control. Excellent Thesis! Only thing I'd add is a sentence listing your paragraph topics (the themes you'll be discussing) in some way. Besides that, can't fault it  ;D

World State’s control over truth through pre-ordained caste system and hallucinogenic drugs effectively inhibits citizens from exercising free-will and fabricates false security to prevent social upheaval. Be careful to specifically mention that you are talking about Huxley's text: Further, it would be a good idea to start with a more generic conceptual statement, THEN, link it to Huxley through something like, "This notion is effectively portrayed in Huxley's text, where World State's control..." Huxley’s emotive metonymy: “Roof … awakens from a dark annihilating stupor … droning twilight of the well, the twilight of his own habitual stupor” illustrates the Epsilon elevator guard as a prisoner of his stratified status and compelled Bokanovsky conditioning. The analogy of the elevator well to the Epsilon’s stupor signifies the confinement of his action and thoughts by the false security developed from his pre-destined satisfaction with the daily tedious work. Great. Similarly in King’s “Silence is Betrayal”, American government’s claim that “peace and civil rights don’t mix” perverts the truth and prohibits its citizens from freedom of thought. Technique? This notion is powerfully expressed through the rhetorical questions “Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask?” Like the hypnopaedic influence upon the castes of World State, American citizens under the government’s propaganda have also become conformists who obediently accept the government’s stance in Vietnam War. In both texts, authority figures are motivated by political stability and their distortion of truth has restricted civilians’ unique thinking. Excellent comparison here. Huxley further emphasises on control through the satirical representation of soma which provides temporary relief from the unpleasant reality. Swap "on" for "this" or something else, for better flow  :) The repetition of the sexual propaganda “Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun, kiss the girls and make them one” parodies the power of the government to provide an ecstatic escapism from established truth and hence prohibiting the experience of real emotions. You could make this quote (and some of the earlier quotes) shorter if necessary for your writing speed! Not so much necessary, but possibly beneficial. Likewise in King’s speech, the use of understatement “It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor” highlights a false security that the government synthesises, whilst the real intention is to manipulate the lower class people to participate in war. Consequently, governments are able to attain control through manoeuvring the established truth and hence foster a façade of safety for its residents. Excellent textual referencing and comparison here, answers the questions very well. I'd like to see you make some remarks about what the AUDIENCE learns from the text. This is Module C, a representation module, and ultimately composers create their texts for their audiences. Thus, it should make appearances in your text, forming a part of your evaluation.

Motivated by individualism, both John and King contest the political paradigm in order to permit citizens to assume control over their own ideologies. Individualism is accentuated in Brave New World through the hyperbole “there was nothing left in the world but that one deep pulse of sound”. The symbolism of the primordial drum sound represents individual’s unique heartbeat and hence it highlights the microcosmic world that each person inherently belongs to. Cool! You could be a little more succinct there, that sentence could become just one if you wanted. However, it works well!  Inspired to overturn the conformist paradigm after witnessing Linda’s succumbing to soma, John seeks to arouse a sense of rebellion amongst the Delta population through his confronting rhetorical questions “Do you like being slaves? Do you like being babies?” You don't need the retell in the first half of that sentence, cut it and then link to the next sentence instead (or add something else, but you don't need to tell me what happened in Brave New World, because the marker will have read it (and indeed, in this case, I have read it numerous times  ;) By humiliatingly comparing the Delta caste to mindless existences, in conjunction with the symbolism of flinging the tablet boxes out of the window, John tries to lead his audience into questioning uniformity and help them regain independence. Careful here, you are close to attributing this effect to the character of John, keep the focus on Huxley. Similarly, motivated by civil freedom and the destructive impact of Vietnam War, King accentuates war as American government’s method to eliminate self-determination. War triggers poverty, allowing the government to control both the lower class black and white people by preventing them from being financially self-reliant. This is powerfully depicted through the situational irony in “…Negro and white boys … kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools”. Whereas John’s objective to free the castes is unsuccessful because intellectual understandings towards independence are hypnopaedically removed from World State citizens, King’s speech is influential because American citizens understand the established irony and are conscious of the government’s extermination of individualism. Very nice contextual comparison here, but again, keep the focus on Huxley! Otherwise you slip into retell. Despite the varied impetuses behind their actions, John and King’s confrontation of the status quo is a manifestation of independence from governmental control. Another great paragraph, doesn't quite reach the heights of the last one though, try to shift yourself away from retell and keep the focus on representational analysis!

In order to achieve the ultimate goal of control, power holders willingly sacrifice religion – the fundamental building blocks of civilisation - in exchange for political security. Through parodying Christian terminologies of “Oh Lord” and “archbishop” with “Oh Ford” and “Arch-community Songster”, Huxley depicts the dominance of technology and stability over the importance of traditional religions. I'd love to see a comment on how this would affect religious audiences? Mond’s conversation with John reveals the political intention of control behind the removal of religion through employing the personification “providence takes its cue from men” in conjunction with the metaphor “Christianity without tears – that’s what soma is”. Mond represents religion as a social construction to maintain order, and by replacing religion with hypnopaedia and soma, the World Controllers are able to control the society in their favour whilst still providing citizens with similar benefits offered by religion – comfort, safety, joy. Huxley represents religion as a social construction to maintain order  ;) Exposed to an increasingly secular society, King’s speech also conveys the government’s desire of control through its denial of religious power. This is implied through the forceful metaphor “first time … significant numbers of religious leaders … move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience”. You could definitely be more selective with that quote, you really only need the last two phrases I think! Whereas church officials have recognised their moral obligation to oppose the war, the American government continues to promote Vietnam War to secure their power of control from the invasion of communism. In both Huxley and King’s representation of their respective governments, religion is portrayed as impedance to political supremacy because God presents another source of threat to absolute control. Therefore, under the impetus of political stability, religion must be eliminated if the authority to control is to be preserved. Great ideas, but again I feel a tad lacking in textual analysis compared to the first paragraph!

Evidently, both Huxley and King’s representations of their respective contextual issues depict the governmental and individual political endeavour of control. The texts show that by using ambiguous political actions, governments are able to seek control through the methods of restricting truth and individualism and eliminating religion. Consequently, composers are able to powerfully illuminate about how politics finds expression in control. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective, connects to your Thesis nicely!

Thanks for another great essay HPL!! Your Thesis was spectacular, probably the best one I've seen you write so far, and your concepts were well defined and thus well structured throughout, a VERY nice logical structure and flow to the response which is fantastic.

Your textual analysis was brilliant in the first paragraph, but it dropped slightly in the second and third, which weren't quite as rich (you slipped into retell a bit). Keep in mind when I say that, that this is only because your first paragraph set the standard very high, as a whole your essay works extremely well.

Your concepts are definitely set, your structure is definitely set, and your Thesis is definitely set. Even your quotes are definitely set (though you could be more selective in places). It's just what you do with them. You should work on eliminating retell (remember that NOTHING can be attributed to the characters, all dues must go to the composer) and, further, making sure you integrate the audience response a little more strongly in your essay! It's a vital part of Module C.

Love your work HPL, I hope this feedback helps you!!  ;D

Thank you so so much Jamon for your valuable advices!!! Every single time you give me really critical advices, and now that I have applied the impact upon audiences in every paragraph I feel like I have assessed techniques and the purpose of each composer much better! When I was writing my essay I felt like I have analysed a lot but I think the one crucial thing that I have constantly been forgetting is that the protagonist is like the composer's puppet (like what you told me for my hamlet essay as well), and the essay is more critical when I analyse the composer's purpose and motives instead of the protagonist's. I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.

I would also like to give approval towards the delicious rissole that you had for your dinner. I could really smell the aroma from the other side of sydney and I am about to nominate you to enter the next Junior Masterchef. What do you reckon???? ;)

Overall thank you Jamon for taking out your time and I really really appreciate everything you have done for me!!!! :D :D :D

P.S. We should go for a HSP after the trial lectures at Metro 1
Mathematics: 96
Maths Extension 2: 93
Maths Extension 1: 97
English Advanced: 92
Physics: 95
Chemistry: 92
Engineering Studies: 90
Studies of Religion I: 98

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #311 on: June 28, 2016, 12:02:52 am »
Thank you so so much Jamon for your valuable advices!!! Every single time you give me really critical advices, and now that I have applied the impact upon audiences in every paragraph I feel like I have assessed techniques and the purpose of each composer much better! When I was writing my essay I felt like I have analysed a lot but I think the one crucial thing that I have constantly been forgetting is that the protagonist is like the composer's puppet (like what you told me for my hamlet essay as well), and the essay is more critical when I analyse the composer's purpose and motives instead of the protagonist's. I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.

I would also like to give approval towards the delicious rissole that you had for your dinner. I could really smell the aroma from the other side of sydney and I am about to nominate you to enter the next Junior Masterchef. What do you reckon???? ;)

Overall thank you Jamon for taking out your time and I really really appreciate everything you have done for me!!!! :D :D :D

P.S. We should go for a HSP after the trial lectures at Metro 1

Sounds great man! Composers are puppet masters  ;)

Oh adapting essays, forgot to give advice!! I think you have a great essay here for adaptation, the trick with adapting is to just have themes that work well for a variety of stimuli, and this works really well for that!! Most of your work will be in the Thesis, the best way to get used to this is to just practice, practice practice!! Kind of like I'll practice for Junior Masterchef  ;)

To tell the truth, Elyse is the master of manipulating memorised material (MMM), so I might leave her to give some better advice  ;D

Definitely down for a HSP

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #312 on: June 28, 2016, 08:37:58 pm »
I feel a lot more confident about my essay now after applying your suggestions! I think tomorrow what I will be doing is to apply the memorised essay to different topics so that I wouldnt be overwhelmed with a completely different topic on wednesday.


Hey HPL! Excellent idea here! Just a tip: Instead of going through and re-writing your essay to each question, instead, you should write the introduction completely as adapted to the new question, and then the topic sentence for each paragraph. Then if you need to test yourself with a tricky question that you think you might be thrown with in an exam, then go through each sentence of your essay and work out what you would and wouldn't take out, and what you would add in, to make it suit the question! This is much more time efficient than going through each essay question and responding to it completely :)
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Happy Physics Land

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #313 on: June 28, 2016, 09:35:15 pm »
Hey HPL! Excellent idea here! Just a tip: Instead of going through and re-writing your essay to each question, instead, you should write the introduction completely as adapted to the new question, and then the topic sentence for each paragraph. Then if you need to test yourself with a tricky question that you think you might be thrown with in an exam, then go through each sentence of your essay and work out what you would and wouldn't take out, and what you would add in, to make it suit the question! This is much more time efficient than going through each essay question and responding to it completely :)

Ahhhh yes Elyse! Im so glad to hear this because this is exactly what I have been doing for most part of this afternoon! (More because I'm a bit lazy and l didnt wanna write everything out  :P). But YES thank you Elyse for that advice!!!
Mathematics: 96
Maths Extension 2: 93
Maths Extension 1: 97
English Advanced: 92
Physics: 95
Chemistry: 92
Engineering Studies: 90
Studies of Religion I: 98

2017 ATAR: 99.70
University of Sydney Civil Engineering and Commerce
University of Sydney Faculty of Civil Engineering Scholar
Student Representatives Council Student Housing Officer
City of Sydney Council Sydney Ambassador
University of Sydney Business School Student Mentor
Entrepreneur, Company of Year Junior Achievements Australia

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #314 on: June 30, 2016, 09:26:33 am »
Ahhhh yes Elyse! Im so glad to hear this because this is exactly what I have been doing for most part of this afternoon! (More because I'm a bit lazy and l didnt wanna write everything out  :P). But YES thank you Elyse for that advice!!!

Come on now HPL, let's not use the term "lazy" but rather...effectively resisting hard work ;)
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