English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[elysepopplewell]

Because I know how awesome you were in feedback last time here is my full speech on The Art of Travel (Mod C Elective 2)
Please find it attached in the spoiler down below.

Thanks again because I know the feedback you give me will be amazing! 

Sorry I missed the criteria!

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.

I think the bolded bit there is what is holding you back from the top marks. Because the thesis doesn't run through the paragraphs, the response lacks in that sustained nature. I mean, you definitely address the prescribed and the related text well, and give each due diligence which is great. I think it's just about really drawing it all together, starting with the introduction, and letting it fall through the rest of the response!

[elysepopplewell]

ATTENTION: MODULE C - PEOPLE AND LANDSCAPES STUDENTS!!

It was brought to my attention at the lectures at UTS last week that people are on struggle street with how to formulate a response for this module and elective! If you're looking for some ideas, my essay is downloadable here and you are more than welcome to ask any questions at all.

[jamonwindeyer]

HI THERE!

I was wondering whether you could have a look at my Mod C essay (Brave New World and Blade Runner)

I am having a lot of trouble with this module haha...esp. cutting it down. There seems to be so much i need to include!

Aaarghhh the assessments are coming

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time

Jack

Hey Jack!! Cool profile picture 

I absolutely can have a look at your essay!! It's attached below with feedback throughout in bold 

Spoiler

All representations of people and politics are subjective constructs, reflecting the composer’s purpose, ideology and cultural context. I'd like a little more depth in this Thesis, one extra sentence to set yourself apart. Hot tip, I always talked about how it is only through the interplay of conflicting perspectives (heyyyyy) that composers are able to gain a rounded view of the situation presented to them. Perhaps play with that a bit? This is apparent in Aldous Huxley’s dystopian novel Brave New World (1932), a satirical representation of a totalitarian society that commodifies individuals through technological exploitation.  Parallel to this, Ridley Scott’s futuristic film Blade Runner (director’s cut) (1982) condemns the dehumanising ramifications on the individual under a commercialist corporate system. Hence, both texts illuminate that our enduring desires to achieve a “perfect world” is barred by the complex nature of politics and its conflicting visions of a perfect relationship between governments and individuals. Love it, great Thesis, only thing I'd add is a list of the themes you'll be discussing. Besides that, fantastic!

Huxley exploits the speculative dystopian genre to condemn a potential totalitarian regime that oppresses individuals in pursuit of economic and societal stability. Be sure to include the perspective that Huxley is trying to put across that you will be focusing on. (EG - Anti totalitarianism). This should show up somewhere in the first two sentences in a general sense, what is Huxley trying to say?Reflecting the rise in conflicting political ideologies of capitalism and communism emerging post World War I, Huxley’s kaleidoscopic narrative viewpoint denies a clear authorial position, structurally embodying the decentralisation of power of the World State that is ironically “maintained” and not “controlled” by its self-regulating government of “World Controllers”. Fantastic contextual link here; what is the context and how is it shown in the text. Great. Hence, the system’s satirical motto “Community, Identity, Stability” foregrounds the suppression of “identity” in the Ford-like production of humans  and  the eugenic predetermined “caste system” where liberty is ironically “inefficient and miserable” in a state striving for order and stability. Be careful to link this brilliant analysis to the perspective that the audience is shown. Production and consumption drive this “Fordist” dystopia, overseen by the pavlovian conditioning and the hypnopaedic proverb “Ending is better than mending”, in a startlingly inversion of the “Victorian thrift” to a humorously exaggerated obligation to spend. Fantastic contextual link, but do you have a technique here? Contentment is maintained by artificial happiness, injected through the drug “soma” and the parodied “orgy-porgy” rituals that provide an ecstatic escape from any unpleasant reality and keeps the population docile and malleable. Is "contentment" a word? Honestly not sure. Also, we are slipping ever so slightly into textual retell here. See how you are just telling me things about the text without telling me what Huxley is trying to do? Take a step away from the text. Yet, Huxley condemns this pursuit in the ironic parody of the communist revolutionist “Lenin”, where the conditioned Lenina in her repetition of political dictums, embody a one-dimensional reflection of a drugged populace whose emotions are as superficial as the hallucinogenic effects of “soma”. Ultimately, Huxley promotes the rejection of such an oppressive regime, where the exile of Helmholtz, a figure that encapsulates our potential for defiance, merely suppressed by the comical “Anti-Riot Speech Number Two” foreshadows the futility of resistance. Huxley is cynical of our pursuit for stability, presenting a permanently stable society at the price of an oppressive totalitarian regime. Some BRILLIANT stuff in this paragraph, but on the whole, a little too text based. Essentially, you are doing some (bloody great) textual retell and linking it to the concept in some places, instead, try to focus on how Huxley uses techniques to demonstrate his perspective. Rinse, repeat. Don't tell me what happens in the text, take a step back, what does Huxley do?

Similarly, Scott exposes mankind’s enslavement to a tyrannical corporate system pursuing commercial superiority. What perspective on this does Scott assume? Or are there multiple (conflicting, ohhhh) The satirical motto “Commerce is our goal” amplify the extreme commercialism of the oppressive corporatocracy, embodying a macrocosmic reflection of the corruption of Reagan’s 1980 economic doctrine that brought upon affluent corporate greed and excessive economic rationalism. Great contextual link. The mis-en-scene of Tyrell Corporation’s pyramid placed in the centre of the city foregrounds Tyrell as the symbolic “pharaoh” who emulates “God” in his creation of emotionless humanoid “Replicants”, like the Epsilons in Brave New World, for menial labour. Fantastic inter-textual link there, I'd like to see you link how their perspectives are similar as well though, what is common about what they are trying to say? Similar to Mond’s “iceberg” model, the pyramid symbology is extended to depict the populace, polarised into a large swath of the “poor” echoed by the film-noir aesthetics, where the primary motif of darkness juxtaposes against the synthetic lighting that symbolises the tiny cadre of the “rich”. Bryant’s threat “if you’re not a cop. You’re little people” best encapsulates conformity as exerted by the brutality of the police whose motto seems to be no longer “serve and protect” but ironically “to control and frighten”. What does the audience gleam from this, any impact? Virtually human, the replicants are similarly diminished to “skin jobs”, their physical superiority subjugated by emotional deficiency and are euphemistically “retired” by death periodically to repress mutiny. Retell.Hence, Blade Runner becomes Scott’s prognosticative “vision” epitomised by the recurring motif of the eye that sustains cinematically a sense of paranoia promoting the rejection of the all-pervasive power of the corporatocracy. Another nice paragraph, but again, too text focused! Remember that these texts are just mediums for the composers to connect with their audience!

Behind the perfectly harmonious institutions within the World State, Huxley foregrounds the loss of fundamental human values as the cost of political coercion. Juxtaposed to a world plagued by rampant human suffering in the aftermath of the World War I and the threatening Great Depression, Huxley’s benevolent oligarchy that is “rid of everything unpleasant” represents a seemingly appealing utopia for his contemporary audiences. Fantastic, but I'd use "contextual" audience there, then contemporary audience for modern responders! However, individual identity is subjugated at birth as the horrifying “Bokanovsky Process” depicts with insect imagery the “hatching” of the children “like maggots” at the “corpse-coloured” centre, where the deathly connotations symbolise the ironic moral death of humanity at birth. Verging on retell Reinforced by the hypnopaedic proverb “when the individual feels, the community reels”, emotional attachments are sacrificed, such as “Religion”, ridiculed in parodying “Ford” for “God” and supplanted by the soma as “Christianity without the tears”. Techniques? Christianity without the tears is a loaded phrase especially. Further, the art and literature that embody humanity’s creative potential are ironically reversed as “pornographic” and incompatible with the conditioning that confines characters such as Lenina to only superficial ideas and thoughts. Any techniques that further this portrayal? What is its significance? Despite John’s cognition of art and language derived from Shakespearean allusions, his inability to comprehend, “no words. Not even in Shakespeare” parallels with Huxley’s depiction of the egalitarian Savage Reservation as a “filthy” and “primitive” alternative, representing outmoded values and social and political structures of the past which are found wanting. Hence, Huxley endorses Helmholtz as his authorial voice through the nonconformist's attempt to write, where the enjambment:
“Where crowds have been-“
“All silences rejoice”
 symbolise unique individual expression as a continuing hope for humanity. Although Huxley consciously provokes us to question our political pursuits, the “silences” symbolise Huxley’s inability to come up with an “ideal” political structure. This is what I was looking for earlier! Huxley is trying to provoke us to question politics; how? Link this throughout the paragraph! As such, Huxley divulges the power of art and language to illuminate both the present and the future.   

Contrastingly, Scott does not hide his dystopic message, using the full strength of the visual media to highlight loss in human connections with nature and society. Good comparison of how the messages are portrayed! Blade Runner is an escalation of the Scott’s social context based on the technological advancing society of the 1980s, centred on genetic engineering and synthetic reality reinforced by the recurring mise-en-scene of the mannequins and dolls. Good! Nature and its beauty is absent in the heavily industrialised Earth, indicated by the opening wide angle shot of a polluted sky filled with a sea of skyscrapers that highlight the devastating ramifications of the corporation’s abuse of resources. What effect does this have on the audience? What is being portrayed? Unlike Brave New World, intimacy is frightful, where the emotional decay is emphasised by the omnipresent decaying buildings where Tyrell’s corporate fortresses metaphorically convey the disconnection between individuals. The close-up shot of replicant Roy’s sorrow at Pris’ death, where the despair in the death of a loved one epitomises ironically his humanity, suggests the ultimate test of humanity is not via the synthetic Void-Komph machine, but rather it is the individual values-such as raw passion, love or empathy that makes him “more human than human”. Technique? Hence, Roy’s compassionate act of saving Deckard, who symbolises Scott’s contemporary world, encapsulates metaphorically, Scott’s didacticism that human’s emotional values such as empathy can save humanity from the “fall” to a decaying synthetic world. This paragraph is better at stepping away from the text, but I'm still looking for the inclusion of the audience! What do we learn?

Huxley and Scott both explore the self-induced and destructive relationship between individuals and politics through the human hubris, prognosticating the bleak yet possible outcomes of the future upon the contextual issues of the 1920s and 1980s. Great! Indeed, both authors suggest that if we do not heed upon their words of warning and continue our technological pursuits for commercialism, then like Zhora running through the glass barrier, humanity will ultimately reach the other side, bloodied with everything around them “lost like tears in rain”. Expand this conclusion by linking to representation of people and politics through conflicting perspectives, just like you did in the Thesis paragraph!

Another excellent essay Jack, yet again you astound me with your expression and textual knowledge!! You've played yourself for this essay, because you are doing two texts I know very well, so no sneaking things past me  that said, you clearly know your shit, and you have a fantastic structure for your ideas. Great introduction that ties into the requirements of the module brilliantly. Excellent work on all of these points!

A few points for improvement. First, a simple one, make sure not to neglect your techniques!! Every quote (or virtually every quote) should have a technique associated with it. Easy fix.

Next, and this is important, you are retelling. For example:

Contentment is maintained by artificial happiness, injected through the drug “soma” and the parodied “orgy-porgy” rituals that provide an ecstatic escape from any unpleasant reality and keeps the population docile and malleable.

That sentence is just a re-statement of fact from the text. No technique, no analysis, no audience impact. I could ignore it and not impact your argument, because it doesn't add to it.

My big job for you my friend, is to challenge yourself to step away from the text for your analysis. You are relying too heavily on plot elements to drive your analysis. "Huxley uses TECHNIQUE to portray PERSPECTIVE and the audience feels BLAH." Repeat. Well, obviously more sophisticated, but you get the idea! No plot necessary, I know you can do this because I see it shining through in isolated spots.

Beyond this, I'd also suggest a greater emphasis on the audience. What do we learn? What perspective is being conveyed to us? But this is secondary to the above point, and I think will come naturally as that is fixed up. Just something to keep in mind 

I hope this helps mate!! You seriously know your texts really well and have great ideas, just tidying up how you put them across to make sure they really shine 

[studybuddy7777]

ATTENTION: MODULE C - PEOPLE AND LANDSCAPES STUDENTS!!

It was brought to my attention at the lectures at UTS last week that people are on struggle street with how to formulate a response for this module and elective! If you're looking for some ideas, my essay is downloadable here and you are more than welcome to ask any questions at all.

You have just made my day. Tempted to make another account just so you can have +2 lol 

[studybuddy7777]

Sorry I missed the criteria!

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.

I think the bolded bit there is what is holding you back from the top marks. Because the thesis doesn't run through the paragraphs, the response lacks in that sustained nature. I mean, you definitely address the prescribed and the related text well, and give each due diligence which is great. I think it's just about really drawing it all together, starting with the introduction, and letting it fall through the rest of the response!

Hey! I'll have a look at this with a fresh pair of eyes and hopefully it will give you some new ideas

In the spoiler, my comments are written in bold font:
Art of Travel speech

QUESTION: At the heart of the relationship between people and landscapes is a consideration of how an individual mindset is a decisive factor. Discuss.

Spoiler

Individual mindsets, when exposed to nature can change an individual's relationship with the landscape and ultimately how that individual views the world. Just for the purpose of being fluent, I would change the syntax to "When exposed to nature, an individual's mindset can influence a relationship between a landscape and a person, ultimately changing one's world perspective. An individual's mindset can be informed by the consideration of ideas that may support or challenge our interpretation of the landscape and essentially the way we look at things. Artists all show their way of looking at a landscape but it may not be as definitive as a photograph. However, Because your last sentence uses a negation (not) then you don't need the "however" in this next sentence when you are proving that same point over. a photo can lack emotion and meaning as there was no process into taking it. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, just because there can be a long process to taking a photo, so the statement is untrue. I think you perhaps mean, "A photo may be taken for its face value, rather than appreciated for the back story. The scenes from both the prescribed text, De Botton's "The Art of Travel", and the related text "Ode To A Nightingale" by John Keats support this change of perspective. "This" implies that there is a specific perspective change you are referring to - which at this stage isn't clear. I think the photo idea is clouding the strength of your introduction. If the photo notion is the perspective that your texts support, then perhaps say the photo idea, then say, "the texts *** and *** are a testament to the notion that a photograph doesn't reflect ..."These scenes are when De Botton and Wordsworth are admiring the simplicity yet beauty of nature, Keats' nightingale just singing, not trying to be noticed or impress him and essentially the purity of nature and concept of the sublime.
Although this is a speech, which means it doesn't have to emulate an essay structure, I think the introduction would benefit from you reiterating your introductory thesis again, just to give your work more direction and prove to the marker that you haven't lost site of your speech question.
It is up to you how you want your speech style to be. If you want it to emulate an essay more, I think you should incorporate a "mini thesis" here to clearly outline your argument. If you want to move away from this type of structure, which is completely fine, I suggest that your opening sentence here, or at least your second sentence, proves to the marker that you haven't lost sight of the question.In "The Art of Travel" De Botton shows us that trees are permanent, stable representations of nature both physically and metaphorically when he observes that "The trees provided a ledge against which I could rest my thoughts, protected from the eddies anxiety." This can be essentially taken to mean that the tree is guarding him against the problems of the world by surpassing the real and entering into the imagined landscape; an idea heightened through visual imagery and connotative language. This is a wonderful integration of the "real and imagined landscape" that the syllabus wants of you. It is a really lovely integration here! Upon reemergence into the real landscape De Botton reaches a significant conclusion. He concludes "That afternoon [these trees] contributed a reason for me to be alive." His conclusion is quite a striking and substantial one and a perfect example of how the beauty of nature has the ability to influence an individual's mindset.

Similarly Keats in his "Ode To A Nightingale" is fantasising about the joys of killing himself before coming to the realisation upon hearing the nightingale's song, that it was singing for him and if he died now, the nightingale's song which was directed to him, would be in vain. This is supported when De Botton notes in The Art of Travel that "it seemed extraordinary that nature could on its own, without any concern for the happiness of two people.. come up with a scene so utterly suited to a human's sense of beauty and proportion." This reinforces through the usage of visual and sensory imagery the aspect that nature can just be nature and still entertain, enlighten and enrich our lives without any concern or intention to. The sheer beauty of nature is highlighted throughout Keats' poem when he writes "Now more than ever it seems so rich to die.. all would then sing and i have ears in vain." This effectively portrays his desire to live now after previously being "half in love with easeful death for many a time" Keats' attitude of chronic suicidality denies the meaning of death and as he was either foreshadowing his death by tuberculosis or already having contracted it, a sense of jealousy is surfaced in that the nightingale does not have the sealed fate of death like Keats' does ('still would thou sing'). Upon hearing the nightingale's song, Keats learns to appreciate the little time he has left. "For many a time" suggests that while he has not had an easy life and is consistently losing life's battles; debating and even wishing to end it all, he now has a renewed spirit and a newfound understanding of the beauty of nature and how powerful a landscape can be in reversing someone's mindset so decisively.

By the constant referral to both prescribed and related texts by both De Botton and Keats respectively, one can conclude that any interpretation of the landscape is broad, persuasive and changed over time. This changing of an individual's mindset is integral for the study of both "The Art Of Travel" and "Ode to A Nightingale" as both explore the power of nature to change an informed mindset and have major themes centralised around the idea of using the landscape as a means of escaping the real world. This is successfully expressed through key scenes such as De Botton's visit to Provence, De Botton and Wordsworth's admiration of the tranquility of nature and the song of the nightingale being both a sign of beauty and permanence without the intention to please its audience.

I think you've been set with a really difficult task here because to explain the relationship between a person and a landscape in more than one instance is extremely difficult to do in 5 minutes! For the purpose of you benefitting from harsh feedback, I will just go through what was unclear to me. But first, I think you need to be commended on the wonderful way in which you link your texts to their techniques. That's admirable! You've got that down pat for a speech. In an essay, you'd obviously need more than this and the tone would be slightly different because it isn't intended to be orally communicated.

I've pulled apart your introduction not to be mean, but with the intention of breaking it up so that you can put it all back together again in a perfect way. The photo idea is lost on me. I looked for amplification later on in the paragraphs but I didn't see the purpose for it to be in the introduction? With some adjustments, I think you can do really well. How are you as a speaker? As a confident, extroverted talker you could use a very basic structure and amplify it in the way you present, but I suggest really preparing your introduction to be sophisticated.

My only other critique is the lack of relation to the question and the module. I can see that at the end of every paragraph you draw it in, which is wonderful! But, I don't think it sits strong enough throughout the middle of the paragraphs in order to make that end link really tangible and give the listener a "ahhh, that makes sense!" moment.

I know there are so few resources available for people and landscapes. I uploaded my own people and landscapes essay in the hope of helping out a bit if you are looking for new ways to analyse the relationship between a person and a landscape. You can find that here!

I hope you don't think I'm a big meanie/meany (how does one spell that???) I just want to be thorough so that you have the opportunity to improve the overall sophistication before your draft is due! Best of luck! Please ask any questions you have

Marking Criteria:
17-20 A: Presents a perceptive response which addresses all aspects of the question in relation to both the prescribed text and chosen related text. Evaluates skilfully how the ideas are represented in texts through extensive and detailed knowledge of the texts and features of language or techniques. Composed a sophisticated and well sustained response using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form.

Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess 
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help 
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's 

[jamonwindeyer]

Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess 
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help 
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's 

Made me LOL    definitely post it and we'll do our best to get it marked in time (either Elyse or me)!! 

[likeneverbefore]

I absolutely can have a look at your essay!! It's attached below with feedback throughout in bold 

JAMON YOU LEGEND!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for the quick reply! Your comments are absolutely fantastic! They give me a direction to head towards haha!

Yea my big problem is the retelling, it is more obvious what im lacking with your comments which is FANTASTIC!!!

Well i better go and fix it up haha

I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR THE INCREDIBLE MARKING (ONCE AGAIN )

btw meeting you in person was AWESOMMMEEEEEE thank you for that really helpful maths lecture!!!

[jamonwindeyer]

JAMON YOU LEGEND!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for the quick reply! Your comments are absolutely fantastic! They give me a direction to head towards haha!

Yea my big problem is the retelling, it is more obvious what im lacking with your comments which is FANTASTIC!!!

Well i better go and fix it up haha

I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR THE INCREDIBLE MARKING (ONCE AGAIN )

btw meeting you in person was AWESOMMMEEEEEE thank you for that really helpful maths lecture!!!

Aha no worries legend, happy to help!!  genuinely hope it's helpful, that retell can be annoying to knock on the head, but once you do you'll never go back  Be sure to come back to us with new versions!!

So happy you enjoyed the lecture too!! 

[lowrifunnell]

Thank you so much Jamon!! I'll swap that paragraph around and edit it a bit more I really appreciate it

Hey there!! Absolutely happy to give a look to your essay, comments throughout in bold and I'll chat a bit at the end 

Spoiler

How does T.S. Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock demonstrate an enduring relevance that surpasses his context. Demonstrate your informed personal understanding.

Eliot’s poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock exhibits a reflection of the context of his time, one that has enduring relevance today. Eliot uses this poem to comment on the fragmented psyche of the typical modern person. He explores the darker side of human nature rather than naïve idealism of being, the Freudian idea of a divided self, and the impact of self-deprecation on individuals. A nice intro, but a little on the short side. Try expanding it by adding something a little more conceptual at the beginning, a conceptual Thesis. I'd also add one more sentence at the end saying something like: "The exploration of these themes demonstrates an enduring relevance that surpasses...", to link to the question one last time.

Eliot’s compositions reflect his perception of his modernist 20th century context, and how it has affected individuals. Modernism aimed to move away from romanticism, and presented a rawer, more realistic view of life where uncertainty, isolation, and disillusionment were part of the new world. The rapid increase in urbanisation and industrialisation led to a loss of connection with the community that has enduring relevance today, whilst the horrors and carnage of WWI led to an overarching sense of pessimism. Eliot utilises the form of a dramatic monologue, which allows him to display the sense of isolation and disjointed, fluctuating nature of the internal mind. There is no overarching verse form, only a loose collection of rhyme, imagery, and repetition, providing strong textual integrity whilst marking a distinct break from Romantic poetry. The momentum and emotional tempo fluctuates between languid inertia and self-conscious, tumultuous anguish, and pained awareness of failure. It has a languid rhythm, open to variation, including hesitancy and occasionally abruptness, further contributing to the Modernist style of the poem. So personally, I don't think this is the way to go with the separate paragraph on context, style etc, I would be blending this information throughout your regular paragraphs!

Eliot’s poem is filled with an overriding sense of futility and inadequacy that governs Prufrock, and is reflective of the typical Modernist man of Eliot’s context. Try to start with a more conceptual statement. Like, "The theme of ______ is continuously relevant to different audiences because ________. Indeed, Elliot's expression... etc., just something to lead you in. Eliot uses the image “a patient etherized upon a table” to suggest Prufrock’s complacency and impotence, setting up the sense of inertia and establishing the suffocating lethargy that dominates this poem. The abrupt departure from a regular rhyme scheme and macabre imagery suggests a break with the Romantic tradition. Nice! Likewise, the childish rhyme “the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo” mimics the mundane, futile nature of social interactions of the context that Prufrock finds so debilitating. I love the links to context you are making in this paragraph, but try to extend it beyond the character of Prufrock. It's not really important about the effects/conseuences for Prufrock, what about what we as the modern audience learns? This is juxtaposed with the sophisticated image of Michelangelo, symbolic of the influential, desirable man that Prufrock cannot be. Similarly, Prufrock likens himself to a bottom-dwelling crab “ragged claws, floors of silent seas”. Remember, Prufrock does nothing, that character is a puppet for the composer! Composer gets all due credit. Crabs scuttle horizontally and never forward, much as Prufrock moves horizontally in thought but never forward in his actions. The image also conveys Prufrock’s feeling of isolation and futility, and has enduring relevance to our current context, where individuals continuously suppress their emotions and isolate their true personalities. Any elements of the modern context that create this effect (Pokemon Go?  ) In addition, Prufrock’s social ineptitude is reflected in “to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet”. The spurning mellifluous long vowel sounds adds to the low emotional intensity, contributing to bleak, brutal imagery of futility and banality. This demonstrates the loss of individuality, and society’s demand for conformity. There is a lost sense of genuine self, instead there is a shifting façade dictated by meaningless social conventions. We all metaphorically wear masks that make us socially acceptable at the expense of our personal identities. Little too long without a technique there. Similarly, the parenthetical line “With a bald spot in the middle of my hair” further demonstrates Prufrock’s lack of self-confidence. It begins Prufrock’s preoccupation with what others think of him. He is typified by this. It mitigates the enjoyment he can glean from life. Likewise, Prufrock likens himself to a specimen insect “when I am pinned and wriggling on the wall”. He feels trapped and confined, constantly inspected and analysed by society, an idea still relevant today. He is clearly expressing desperation, helplessness and paralysis in navigating social constructs. Remember to add a conclusion to each paragraph. "Thus, it is clear that _______." Something simple that ties back to the topic of that paragraph.

Eliot draws upon the Freudian aspects of his context and explores the idea of a divided self, reflecting the ambiguity and confusion of human thought and action. This is more like what I wanted to see in the first paragraph! Add a link to how this makes it relevant to the modern audience and you have a winner. He introduces this idea of ambiguity of thought in the first line, “you and I”. Technique? Eliot is referring to Prufrock and the side of Prufrock’s psyche with which he’s engaged in an endless debate, and inviting us on the journey throughout his mind. Be careful not to use plot details to make your points: The focus should always be techniques! Additionally, Eliot uses a simile, “streets that follow like a tedious argument”, comparing the tedious argument Prufrock is having with himself to long and tedious streets. This continues his metaphor of a personal journey through his mind, reflecting the meandering and convoluted nature of his internal argument. Likewise, the lyrical repetition of “there will be time” is emblematic of the speaker’s indecision, caused by the uncertain, hesitant nature of Prufrock’s mind, and emphasises the endless weariness of time that has no purpose, as Prufrock’s life does. Again, focusing a tad too much on Prufrock I believe, remember to extend the idea to wider audiences (us, as responders) frequently! What do we learn? Why is it relevant to us? This idea surpasses Eliot’s context and continues to have enduring relevance with contemporary individuals who fear inadequacy, and as such fail to be decisive for fear of being insufficient for society’s expectations. Similarly, the use of voiceless alveolar stops “to spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?” represents his life as a stale, discarded, waste product. This fragmented, sordid image represents his sense of inadequacy, and the disjointed, confused nature of his thinking. In addition, the idea of a divided external and internal persona is represented through the powerful conclusion, “till human voices wake us, and we drown”. Eliot is demonstrating that once we realise that the idealistic views of Romanticism are unattainable, and that our external identities constantly judged by a superficial, pretentious society and always found to be insufficient, your inner persona recognises life as meaningless and empty. Sadly, this bleak epiphany still resonates with many in today’s context. Another fantastic paragraph!!

This is a seriously great essay!! Very clever techniques and analysis, extremely well expressed ideas, context tied in cleverly, super awesome in many ways!

I'll start by saying that first paragraph is, in my opinion, not the way to go. Your writing level can absolutely handle a more integrated approach, where you take those great contextual/stylistic features and just thread them through your other arguments. You have already used contextual features in the other paragraphs; you would just add room for more if you need it. The first paragraph should be replaced with another paragraph of content, which should improve the balance a tad 

Your analysis is really powerful; I especially love the way you tie in the styles/periods of romanticism, modernism, etc. Very nice. However, I'm looking for you to tie in the "enduring value" of the text, and why the text remains important for study. Tie into what we as an audience learn, essentially, because it is a part of your question! As you are doing this, try to shift the focus away from the characters (Prufrock) in your text, and shift it to how the composer uses techniques in an effective way to communicate an idea to the audience. It is these techniques that allow the text to demonstrate an enduring relevance, as ideas are communicated in ways that are relevant to all audiences. Focusing on the characters and impacts on characters not only shifts you close to retell, but also prevents you from addressing the question to its full potential. Focus on techniques!

Some little touch ups to analysis (Technique/Explain/Audience) and structure (ensure all paragraphs are introduced with a clear concept) may be needed as you swap that first paragraph to a 3rd normal paragraph. Ensure each paragraph has a clear and distinct purpose that stands alone, but still links to the main idea.

So that is a few improvements I'd suggest, all to try and hit the question a little more appropriately and effectively. A greater focus on techniques, and adapting that first paragraph, should be your focus! I really hope this helps     

[onepunchboy]

Hello could you mark my generic for hamlet, wasnt really sure how to approach a generic and was wondering if you could help me out particularly on my clarity of my expresssions and topic sentences thank you.

[studybuddy7777]

Made me LOL    definitely post it and we'll do our best to get it marked in time (either Elyse or me)!! 

Okay ill try my best to get it done but at the moment im having a constant battle with laziness lazy day year
Also got a creative and other modules I might post soon, thanks for all your support!

[jamonwindeyer]

Okay ill try my best to get it done but at the moment im having a constant battle with laziness lazy day year
Also got a creative and other modules I might post soon, thanks for all your support!

Sounds like the definition of my life at the moment  no worries, good luck with it all!

[elysepopplewell]

Just saw this and your feedback is amazing!! Thankyou so much! If I got another draft to you in a few days (say Wednesday or at latest Thurs morning) would you be able to relook at it by Friday 4pm (deadline for drafts to be due into teacher, and we only get one so I want to make it good Again, thanks for marking my speech so quickly!
Ps. I've always spelt it meanie but each to their own I guess 
Pps. I dont think you are a big meanie but i do think you are a big help 
Ppps. I will ensure I ask you any questions I may have, but I dont have any at the moment
Pppps. I might scratch the photo idea as it really cannot relate to my related text, and thats the whole point of it right?
Ppppps. Sorry for all the ps's 

Haha! Totally okay! I look forward to seeing it!

[elysepopplewell]

Hello could you mark my generic for hamlet, wasnt really sure how to approach a generic and was wondering if you could help me out particularly on my clarity of my expresssions and topic sentences thank you.

Hi there! Absolutely! I'll try focus on the expression of ideas and topic sentences, because often when they are perfect, everything else falls into place.

Your essay is in the spoiler here with my own comments in bold:

Spoiler

Hamlet Generic draft
The intrigue of Hamlet is contingent upon its dramatization dramatisation* No biggie, but the z spelling is the American spelling. of the ontological struggle to understand the amorphous nature of being. By extension, Hamlet functions as a dramatic representation of human limitations through its depiction of truth and pretence serving as as valuable discourse on in the fallibility of ones identity. Drawing upon the contextual zeitgeist of the Renaissance, the questions arising from hierarchal hierarchical* instability exemplify the marginalisation of women and issues of integrity within a corrupt social milieu.  Thus, Shakespeare’s masterful manipulations of content, construction and language engender profound commentaries in examining humanities humanity's struggle to reconcile with the incompatible dualities ?? afflicted by an enigmatic world. I've just mixed some things around in the hope that they read a bit smoother. Your ideas are there and they are serving you well! The only thing I'm not sure what you mean about is the use of "dualities" in the last line? Is the duality the women in a society, or is it truth and pretense?

Shakespeare’s explores the human identity as a malleable and dynamic entity that evolves with ones one's* surroundings, being vulnerable to tensions both internally and externally. Awesome topic sentence! No qualms here! The conflict being, the paradigmatic tension between being true to thine own self and fulfilling societal obligations. The reductive microcosm of Denmark in the metaphorical “prison” becomes a metonym representation of the corruptive corrupt* Elsinoire at large, mirroring the turbulent Elizabethan court at the turn of the 17th Century.  The establishment of the Danish court as a venal world is seen to precipitate Hamlets status as a disillusioned idealist evident in the vivid juxtaposition between the hyperbolic appraisal “the paragon of animals” and the rhetoric, “what is this quintessence of dust”. Such profound worldly contempt reveals a Renaissance weltschmerz – the philosophical melancholy expounding the tension between his interiority of psychological identity and the exteriority of Denmark.  The dissonance prevalent within Hamlets Hamlet's fragmented identity is also brought to the forefront by the Senecan ghost as he is “prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell”. The utilisation of antithesis reveal the odds which stand against Hamlets Hamlet's*uncertainty in enacting retribution, as he is trapped between the filial obligation of an inherently medieval value system and rationalization in line with Renaissance thinking. Analogously, as A.C Swinburne rightly affirms, Hamlets innermost nature is subject to a “strong conflux of contending forces”. Furthremore, Furthermore* shakespeare’s Shakespeare's* (capital S)control of iambic pentameter no comma needed here in the transition from prose to verse, (comma here) in switching from interacting with the players to Horatio where there is a shift from interacting with the layers to Horatio, accentuates Hamlets desire to identify with Horatio’s ideal stoicism and ratiocination for he is “a man that is not passions slave”.   Hamlets Hamlet's* capacity to conjure intensely emotional thoughts and react violently are thus a “ product of errors in reasoning”, by extension this validates the anaphoric auxesis in the extended metaphor ,”the table of my memory,/Ill wipe away all trivial fond’s records” demonstrating Hamlets Hamlet'sdeeper desire to eradicate the knowledge and memory that make him the rational individual, distanced from the instinctiveness required of action.  Consequently, Hamlets Hamlet's* assertion “theres a divinity that shapes our ends” reflects his abandonment of the Humanistic pursuit to locate his inward identity , achieving equanimity, a stoic acceptance of life and death.  Nonetheless, Hamlets  Hamlet's*failure to reconcile internal and external landscapes supports John Bells Give John Bells a title. From a google search I think he is an actor? In which case: "Australian Actor, John Bells..."exegesis that “ hamlet is and always will be an enigma”, as the personas persona's complex ambiguity is what allows responders to self-reflexively establish their own perceptions of the character. Your ideas here are wonderful! Just astounding. You have such a complicated, deep grasp on all of this and it's awesome. Your grammar is letting you down, but I'll talk about this in an end note

Through virtually every manycharacters character's* adoption of “by indirections find directions” , Shakespeare foregrounds the thematic undercurrents of the conflation between truth and pretence which further undermines ones sense of self. The topic sentence here is good, but we can make it better. I think it works best to open with, "The conflation between truth and pretence can undermine one's sense of self. Shakespeare explores this notion through each character's adoption of..."
I'm suggesting this because I think you present an awesome idea in your topic sentence about truth and pretence, but you leave it until the end of the sentence. I think it needs to be privileged earlier on. Though Claudius is an adept statesman whose rehearsed, antithetical statement “With mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” embodies his diplomatic skill, Shakespeare exemplifies “mans dual nature” through paradoxes bound in smooth syntactical balance . Where the complex phonetic equation disguises his Machiavellian style alluding to Montaigne skeptiscm skepticism*essays regarding humanity’s inability to discover the “realities” in appearances. This is further expounded upon through the paralipsis” what majesty should be, what duty is” reflecting vein of absurdist world views which permeate the play. Thus the limits of human perception is accentuated by these outward constructs as ironically Hamlet becomes immersed upon acting and mimicry to seek authenticity. Furthermore during the “Murder of Gonzago”, Shakespeare implicitly complicates the audiences audience's* view on the notion of acting, comma associating it as an integral aspect of the human identity. Evident through hamlets impersonation of the players’ histrionic and hyperbolic performance “ bloody, bawdy villain” dramatizing dramatising* the plays focus upon humanities desire for moral and psychological cogency within a world that escapes interpretation and consent. Additionally, in accordance with Polonius’ maxim “The apparel oft proclaims the man”, clothing becomes a recurrent motif “ inky cloak”,”suits of solemn black” signifying the incongruity between external representations and internal nature deterring one from self-actualisation. Thus Shakespeare explores the limitations and boundaries of man which threatens Hamlets capacity for agency revealing his disrupted psyche.

Hamlets inner turmoil is also seen to problematize problematise*his attitudes towards women, engendering misogynist worldviews reflective of the logo centrism within the 17thC patriarchy. Such contempt is emphasised through censures loaded with highly condemnatory diction, “increase of appetite…a beast that wants discourse of reason”, reducing a woman with agency and narrative to the equivalent of that an animal as Shakespeare reinforces the perpetuating idea of gender marginalisation. Additionally, comma player queens claim that her second marriage is “trason in my breast/non wed the second but who killed the first” suggests Gertrude’s infidelity and indirect involvement in the regicide is tantamount to murder foreshadowing his dysfunctional relationship with Ophelia   . Furthermore, after Gertrude’s infidelity Hamlet begins to question the consistency of women and accuses Ophelia as being a” breeder of sinners” extricating himself of his own self-loathing upon the archetypal subservient Ophelia.  The transition between rhythmic verses to forceful prose : “ I loved you once”/I love you not”/ Get thee to a nunnery” emphasises the inconsistences within his own speech and the moral paralysis he encounters. This psychological dissonance instigates Ophelias descent to true madness as Hamlet transfers his “ turbulent and dangerous lunacy” and in accordance to Klett, “ Madness, grants her access to voice”. Showcased by the dynamic contrast between her earlier maidenly “ vows to heaven?” to the later bawdy lyrics “ I am a maid at your window, to be your valentine” which presents the suppressed sexual and psychological excesses of the feminine form in the Elizabethan era. By extension, it symbolizes a tangent in the play disrupting social order and harmony of the play, disintegrating the facades which shrouded Denmark earlier. Thus through Shakespeare dramatic exploration of women through the lens of the Jacobean milieu, a deeper understanding of hamlets inner turmoil is achieved. 

The biggest problem facing your work right now is grammatical mistakes, because it means that a reader, like myself, has to double-read some sentences to understand the point. The possessive apostrophe is the biggest issue in your writing at the moment. I've corrected some but not all. It makes an enormous difference to the way a reader will read your work, but also a big difference to the integrity of your work. A few times I switched around the syntax to make sure that the most important parts of your argument were highlighted, and usually this means putting it on a sentence of its own or moving it to the front of the sentence.

The amazing part about your work is the wonderful grasp you have on the text. Your idea of identity and the fluid nature of a human to context is very unique and I very, very much enjoyed reading it. The argument and textual knowledge is there, but the first priority now is fixing the grammar and reviewing each sentence to make sure you are privileging your most important arguments over secondary knowledge.

With this improvement, and I solemnly swear that the integrity of your work will sky rocket. Which is amazing, because your arguments are so unique and supported right now that the more of the piece we have working together, the better. That's the key to getting in the top ranges: making sure all aspects of the work come together to create a really cohesive, sustained argument. The content of your work is awesome, we just need to tie it all together with impressive grammar and syntax! Please ask if anything doesn't make sense and I will try to clarify

[maddygeraghty7]

Hey there,
I was just wondering if you could take a look at one of my Module A paragraphs - Letters to Alice + Pride & Prejudice. I'm kinda new to the whole ATAR notes thing