Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

May 24, 2025, 08:56:49 am

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 688673 times)

0 Members and 7 Guests are viewing this topic.

marynguyen18

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 123
  • School: Cerdon College
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #660 on: October 06, 2016, 12:01:25 pm »
i was wondering if i could get my Mod C essay marked? Thank you in advanced

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #661 on: October 06, 2016, 12:07:07 pm »
I have 15 posts! Yay haha
Here is my module A (Richard) essay from my trial. What should i do to make it better?? and a rough score?.......i think my teacher marked me to easily so i want to know your opinion  :) Thanks!

Good on you Zac!! I've attached your essay with feedback in bold, I'll let you know my views, but your teachers should take a higher weighting in your mind ;D

Spoiler
Question: something like “how is our understanding of authority contributed to by a comparative study?”

Authority places individuals in a position of power and can be attained from individual determination or through divine intervention. Good conceptual start, though perhaps slightly simplistic. Shakespeare’s King Richard III represents the consuming nature of authority through the corrupt antagonist, Richard. More interesting now, good. The play was written with the utilisation of literary devices that would ascertain the attention and connect with his 16th century Elizabethan audience. Our understanding of Richards authority is enhanced through Al Pacino’s post modern docudrama Looking For Richard as he tries to uncover “what is this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?”. I'm not quite getting the comparative aspect here, be sure to specifically mention how we interpret them together for a greater understanding (or similar). Through the manipulation of film and documentary techniques, Pacino is able to connect with his American audience and to simplify Shakespeare’s understanding of authority and power. Good introduction! Overall solid, I'd like to see you set up your paragraph topics somehow.

The notion of authority can lead to corruptive ramifications when it is abused. Good. Shakespeare wrote his the play King Richard III in the 16th century for a spiritual Elizabethan audience. The people of his time had witnessed the fight for control through the ‘War Of The Roses’ , which set the contextual backdrop of the play. Good quick contextual introduction here, but try not to make it so distinct from the text/techniques, the context COMES OUT through techniques! The Elizabethan society was hierarchical and authority was gained from hereditary. Shakespeare represents Richards hunger for rulership and its corruptive nature through animal metaphors for example when Lady Anne calls him an “unmannered dog”. You could tidy up expression in the middle there. Richards’s desire for influence and power derive from his deformed physiognomy. Expression issue? In the play, Richard is portrayed as a ‘hunchback’, depicted from the quote “Deformed, unfinished sent before my time...half made up” . Technique? Shakespeare uses exaggeration of Richards physical appearance to portray and represent his sinister character and lust for control. What does this show the audience? The desire for dominion emerges from Richards’s intrinsic evil nature. Technique/quote? Shakespeare represents the ambitious characteristics of authority through Richards asides and soliloquies where Richard expresses his “determination to prove a villain”. Through these techniques, Shakespeare takes advantage of situational irony as Richard informs his audience of his scheming plans that will result in him gaining a position of authority. How does this relate to your idea for this paragraph (see your first sentence). Have you sustained that idea right to the end?

Al Pacino recognises the contextual differences between Shakespeare’s context and his post modern audience. Hence, Pacino appropriates the portrayal of the corruptive nature of authority as 1990 Americans do not associate this value with physical “deform[ities]”. Very good point to make. Thus, Pacino manipulates Richards thirst for rulership through positioning in his docudrama Looking For Richard. During an opening scene, Pacino is acting as Richard, standing over the body or the dying King Edward. Retell, you don't need this, the marker knows your text! The low angle shot represents the notion of authority being gained from individuals crafting their own position in society, not from family hereditary. Excellent.The linguistic features regarding the corruptive nature of authority is hard to understand for Pacino’s audience as Shakespeare “used a lot of fancy words”. As a result, Pacino dons black attire when acting as the Machiavellian Richard to connect with his audience and contribute to their understanding of the evil nature surrounding power and authority. Technique? Voiceover commentary is as a didactic tool used to guide Pacino’s audience on what Richards ambitions of power were, thus contributing to the understanding that arbitrary power and authority is corruptive. Be sure to have a proper, distinct concluding sentences. You are exploring the theme well, but a little more focus on the idea of corruption is necessary; more detail on WHAT is shown not just how it is shown. Just tidying up explanations should accomplish this.

In an Elizabethan context, authority derived from hereditary and through the blessings of God. Expression issue? Shakespeare’s society had unanimity on religious perspectives, the notion that God was in control and distributed rulership to those he had anointed. Shakespeare thus made Richard “deformed” to represent Gods punishment and lack of blessing. What is this attempting to show the audience about authority? As a result, Richard is “determined to prove a villain” to so signify his ability to usurp authority by his own means. Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. Retell. The nature of authority stemming from sovereignty contributes to the purpose of the play; to convolute Richards’s humanity and affirm the Tudor claim to the throne, a family who were believed ordained by God.  Shakespeare’s choice of textual form, a play, is utilised to connect his thoughts to his current 16th century audience and emphasise the notion that rulership derived from sovereignty. How is it utilised? Remember a conclusion. Some good ideas, but I'm not getting the links to the big idea as strongly as I could, and I'm looking for more analysis and less retell.

Post modern 1990’s societal attitudes of divine powers and spiritual life are significantly juxtaposed against late 16th century perspectives. The contemporary trend away from religious beliefs has lead to the worldview that individuals gain positions of authority on the basis of their own freely chosen actions. Al Pacino accounts for his audience’s lack of spiritual reference in his docudrama. I'd like to see you express all this information in less words; leave yourself more room for analysis. Rather he uses rapid camera shots, aligned with dramatic non-diegetic audio to depict and emphasise Richard being punished his guilty conscience, rather than divine retribution for his abuse of authority. The archival images and ‘ghosts’ during Richards dream exemplify Richards freely chosen actions that were driven by the opportunity to gain control. Your analysis is becoming less effective in latter paragraphs (a length comparison evidences this), perhaps a structural tweak could fix this?

Thus Al Pacino has successfully contributed to our understanding of the nature of authority in Shakespeare’s King Richard III as he reshaped the ideas that authority is attained through the divine order, and is corruptive. The appropriation of these values in Looking For Richard occurred through selected film and documentary techniques to connect with modern day beliefs, which are juxtaposed against 16th century Elizabethan paradigms. It is from a critical study of both texts that our understanding of influence and authority is enriched. Good conclusion! Covers all your bases, nicely done!

This is a good essay Zac! Good conceptual ideas, good analytical style in most sections; overall an effective response!! I especially like your idea of explaining how Pacino appropriates the same ideas for a modern audience. This is really effective and is working well for you.

What I'd say is that the issues are not consistent but sporadic. You shift into retell, in places. Remember, your marker knows your text, give them no sentences like this: Acts of ambition resulting in Richards rise of leadership include the betrayal of his brother and murder of his two nephews. That gives no new information to the marker, they want techniques and analysis of how the theme is portrayed. Try to eliminate retell.

You also fail to link to the main idea of your paragraph and/or essay, in places. In your first paragraph for example, look at your intro and conclusion. Yes, they both mention authority, but have you maintained the theme of corruption? Not quite. Ensure that every theme is sustained completely throughout all of your paragraphs, and part of this will be fleshing out your arguments a little bit more!

Structurally, there were issues in places. Missing concluding sentences, perhaps slightly vague in the introduction; but on the whole the approach works well. I will say to try and keep your essay from dropping off in length in latter paragraphs; it detracts from the strength of your arguments.

Overall, I would say your essay could be improved by developing your ideas a little further, giving me more detail on what the audience learns about corruption and authority etc, and then complementing this with less retell elements, and more techniques and analysis! It's a good essay, and it does everything right. It's hitting context and comparison very nicely. It's just not quite hitting the conceptual and analytical marks every time.

I would say this sits in the Band 5 range, so 13-16 depending on precisely the wording of the question and what it required! Likely towards the higher end of that range ;D

Good work!! :)

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #662 on: October 06, 2016, 01:44:17 pm »
Hi! I'd very much appreciate if someone could read over my mod c! Thanks :)
(N.B. this is a generic essay without a question)

Hey lozil! Not a problem, my comments are throughout in bold! ;D before I do though, your essay is over 2000 words long; are you sure you can reproduce this in the exam? :)

Spoiler
Real, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. Great concept, well expressed. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Awesome. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Excellent introduction to your ORT as well, setting yourself up very well. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning. Good introduction! Excellent work, ideas well established, I'd like to see you link to the idea of representation just the tiniest bit more for your Prescribed Text, and also, set up your paragraph arguments for the reader.

Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. Excellent conceptual statement. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. Is this description necessary for a marker who knows your text very well? The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. Excellent. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Fantastic ideas, but that sentence did run the slightest bit too long in my opinion. Break it up a little? Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. Technique? This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally. Try to make your conclusion more distinct from your analysis. A fantastic paragraph with excellent analysis, superb.

In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Be careful not to let the plot details form your concept. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. What does this show us about the damaging nature of landscapes in general? Remember to use your texts as examples of greater ideas, not as the ideas themselves! However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Falling slightly into retell there; good use of technique but what does it represent to a responder? Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape. Again, a more distinct conclusion would be welcome here.

Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Excellent start to the paragraph. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” Try to be a little more clever with your textual references; keep them as short as possible, it's all about efficiency! De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din   / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” The last few sentences have shifted heavily into retell. Read them back; are you presenting new ideas or just showing how techniques are used and retelling? A more explicit reference to the audience in this last sentence would probably fix you up.  Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.

In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. Love that you are playing these texts against each other in this way, works brilliantly.The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. Retell. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Retell. Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. What does this show the audience about landscapes? Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. What is the effect on the audience of this representational choice to allude to the poem? What does it achieve? In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Again, try to use only the part of the quote you need to convey your point - Be efficient! Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light. This conclusion highlights my concern for the paragraph; it seems to text focused. You've explored the ideas in the text, and this is great, but you haven't considered the ideas in a more general sense, to make it more relevant for the responder. This is vital in this Module, because ultimately, we explore the impact of representation on how ideas are portrayed to an audience! :)

The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” Excellent introduction once again, your conceptual statements are extremely powerful. The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Would this be allusion? Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Great.Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity. This is a stronger, more distinct conclusion. Good work.

De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.

De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation. I'd like ONE more sentence to bring everything together (both texts, both arguments) into one summative statement of position. Otherwise, great conclusion! :)

My feedback is lighter towards the end, mostly because halfway through you'd already done enough to impress me ;) a fantastic essay with superb analytical style, well considered concepts, and excellent expression of your ideas. I love the way you play the texts against each other too; that gets you some extra depth that is really effective!!

My comments throughout are mostly minor, but as overall things, I'd suggest:

- Ensure all your paragraphs have proper conclusions; these should be distinct from your analysis. Thus, ________.
- Be careful of unnecessary details. In some areas you slipped into retell of your text, and/or including techniques in recount of plot (with a link to landscapes thrown in). Try and shift the focus to techniques, which is where it should be for a representation module essay.
- Try to make some more explicit links to the audience. Remember, this is about representation, and texts are represented for an audience. They are constructed in a way that suits a specific context. Try to explore the impacts of techniques on how the responder views ideas on landscapes more frequently and more deliberately, to really push up your sophistication

All of that said, there is a whole lot going right with this essay and nothing at all that concerns me. Adapt this properly to the question and it should do very, very well! :)

lozil

  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 46
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #663 on: October 06, 2016, 06:34:29 pm »
Hey lozil! Not a problem, my comments are throughout in bold! ;D before I do though, your essay is over 2000 words long; are you sure you can reproduce this in the exam? :)

Spoiler
Real, remembered and imagined landscapes have the potential to profoundly influence individual’s perceptions of themselves and their worlds, however, the transformative power of these landscapes is largely dependent on the individual’s attitudes and engagement with their surroundings. Great concept, well expressed. This is reflected in Alain De Botton’s multi-modal travel memoir, The Art of Travel, which utilises renowned ‘guides’ from the cultural Western canon to affirm an ‘everyman’ persona which discusses changing human experiences in differing landscapes. Awesome. Joanna Newsom’s song In California is similarly hybridised, drawing elements from Baroque, folk, alternative and avant-garde music, yet in contrast to De Botton, represents landscapes as detrimental and lacking in transformative power due to the persona’s lack of engagement with her landscapes. Excellent introduction to your ORT as well, setting yourself up very well. Through a study of both texts, it is evident that individuals can perceive the same landscapes in different ways due to their differing contexts and levels of engagement; thus bringing upon their landscapes a new and individual meaning. Good introduction! Excellent work, ideas well established, I'd like to see you link to the idea of representation just the tiniest bit more for your Prescribed Text, and also, set up your paragraph arguments for the reader.

Exotic landscapes are often glorified to convey an unrealistic utopia, able to heal negative psychological states and bring about personal fulfilment. However, this process is not assured, with the transformative nature of real, imperfect landscapes being largely dependent on individual attitudes. Excellent conceptual statement. This is conveyed in the introductory chapter, On Anticipation. De Botton employs the multi-modal genre of The Art of Travel to visually represent the appeal of imaginary, idealised landscapes, such as the double page spread of Hodge’s landscape painting Tahiti Revisited (1776). It depicts a beautiful but obviously glorified representation of a Tahitian river bathed in light and framed by picturesque mountains, accompanied by palm trees and two nude female figures bathing by the riverside. Is this description necessary for a marker who knows your text very well? The painting exudes luxury and exoticism, and by tapping into the Western cultural canon, De Botton highlights how the Western tendency to romanticise exotic cultures can lead to disillusionment in the “reality of travel”. Excellent. De Botton proceeds to claim, “Those responsible for the brochure had darkly intuited how easily their readers might be turned into prey…” This utilisation of predatory imagery, “darkly intuited” and “prey”, reveals how commercial institutions have appropriated this desire for personal happiness, representing real landscapes in a glorified and imaginary way, and contributing to the disillusionment by the audience of the “repetitions, misleading emphases and inconsequential plot-lines” in experiencing real landscapes. Fantastic ideas, but that sentence did run the slightest bit too long in my opinion. Break it up a little? Rather, he argues paradoxically, “it seems we may best be able to inhabit a place when we are not faced with the additional challenge of having to be there”, as the fulfilling nature of the landscape, as imagined by the individual, is disrupted by their disillusioned state of consciousness. Technique? This is highlighted through the juxtaposition of the rich imagery of the imagined “azure sky … sand the colour of sun-ripened wheat”, followed by the balancing statement “yet this description only imperfectly reflects what occurred within me, for my attention was in truth far more fractured and confused…” De Botton concludes that “happiness is not material or aesthetic but stubbornly psychological”, and that idealised or imagined representations of any landscape will not automatically inspire or transform the individual if they hold negative, closed-mined attitudes and do not engage with the landscape spiritually and emotionally. Try to make your conclusion more distinct from your analysis. A fantastic paragraph with excellent analysis, superb.

In California follows a persona who, due to an unspecified tragedy, seeks catharsis by moving to rural California, seeking what she imagines to be the transformative qualities of a new, natural landscape. Be careful not to let the plot details form your concept. Yet, the persona becomes disillusioned as she cannot escape the trauma of her past, despite what she imagined to be the landscape’s omnipotent rehabilitating qualities. This is depicted through the varying representations of nature over the course of the song. Through alliteration and accumulation of natural imagery in “I tried to understand / the dry rot, the burn pile / the bark-beetle, the black bear”, the persona expresses her desire for what she imagines are the cleansing properties of the natural world. On each ‘b’ syllable, the singer anticipates the beat, and with the introduction of the rich resonant sound of the brass instruments, her excitement and expectations are conveyed. What does this show us about the damaging nature of landscapes in general? Remember to use your texts as examples of greater ideas, not as the ideas themselves! However, the song ends with “for it has half ruined me / to be hanging around / among the Daphne”, using symbolism to convey her disillusionment with her new landscape as her mental state is unchanged, like Daphne, a plant with beautiful, scented flowers but sporting poisonous berries. Falling slightly into retell there; good use of technique but what does it represent to a responder? Furthermore, the paradox of “I don’t belong to anyone” and “I don’t want to be alone” is reinforced as the two phrases are sung with the same melody, conveying that her imagined expectations do not match up to reality of her new landscape. Again, a more distinct conclusion would be welcome here.

Natural landscapes, real and remembered, can have an immense impact upon the way individuals perceive new landscapes, as well as their own identities. This is shown in On the City and Country. De Botton explores the paradigms of renowned Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, of the cathartic nature of real and remembered natural landscapes in alleviating the negative psychological states derived from corrupting city environments. Excellent start to the paragraph. Using hyperbole, De Botton conveys the extent to which Wordsworth believed cities “foster a family of life-destroying emotions including anxiety, envy and pride.” Himself “afflicted of these ills”, De Botton immerses himself in natural landscapes, using simile and imagery to juxtapose the absurdity of city life with the calming qualities of the natural world in, “The lights of surrounding offices looked like a grave old man bedecked in party decorations … soon it would be over the fields of Essex, then the marshes, before heading out over the mutinous North Sea waves… I felt my anxieties abate.” Try to be a little more clever with your textual references; keep them as short as possible, it's all about efficiency! De Botton concludes that the natural world is “an indispensable corrective to … the smoke, congestion, poverty and ugliness of cities”. In fact, he extends this statement, arguing that even natural landscapes in their remembered form have the same cathartic powers; quoting from Wordsworth’s poem Lines Written a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey, “Though absent long … I have owed to them [the natural world]. / In lonely rooms, and mid the din   / Of towns and cities, [these memories have] passed even into my purer mind / With tranquil restoration.” The last few sentences have shifted heavily into retell. Read them back; are you presenting new ideas or just showing how techniques are used and retelling? A more explicit reference to the audience in this last sentence would probably fix you up.  Through relying so overtly and distinctly upon Wordsworth’s poems, De Botton authenticates his view of the restorative power of remembered natural landscapes in corrupting city environments; concluding with the aphorism, “A few moments in the countryside …. could number among the most significant and useful of one’s life”.

In California also addresses the power of remembered landscapes, yet disputes De Botton’s representation of the cathartic powers of remembered and natural landscapes. Love that you are playing these texts against each other in this way, works brilliantly.The persona attempts to “make a new start / in California”, mourning the “foolishness” of her past as the orchestra builds to a climax. Retell. These instruments abruptly cut off, leaving the solo voice and harp, when the persona finds that “some nights / I just never go to sleep at all … / fully abandoning / any thought of anywhere / but home / my home.” Retell. Truncated line length, coupled with the abrupt ending of the climax, conveys the persona’s confusion and isolation in her new natural environment, which she believed would be cathartic. What does this show the audience about landscapes? Furthermore, despite the persona’s intense homesickness, she simultaneously knows that she will not find relief at old home. She represents it as “my home where the darkness does fall so fast / it feels like a mistake / (just like I told you it would / just like the Tulgeywood)”. Pathetic fallacy is used, with the “darkness” that falls on the persona’s home representing her own sorrows, while an intertextual reference is made to Lewis Carroll’s poem The Jabberwocky as the persona likens her old home with the hostile Tulgey Wood in which the Jabberwock was said to reside. What is the effect on the audience of this representational choice to allude to the poem? What does it achieve? In the last stanza of the poem, the persona laments that “it has half ruined me to be hanging around … I am overgrown / I have choked my roots on earth / as rich as roe.” Again, try to use only the part of the quote you need to convey your point - Be efficient! Through the use of natural metaphorical imagery, the persona likens her memories to lecherous “roots as rich as roe”, which have corrupted her new landscape and prevented growth, thus presenting natural and remembered landscapes in a negative “choking” light. This conclusion highlights my concern for the paragraph; it seems to text focused. You've explored the ideas in the text, and this is great, but you haven't considered the ideas in a more general sense, to make it more relevant for the responder. This is vital in this Module, because ultimately, we explore the impact of representation on how ideas are portrayed to an audience! :)

The immense spiritual effects of real landscapes upon individual identity are demonstrated in On the Sublime. Extending upon notions of the cathartic qualities of natural landscapes in On the City and Country, this chapter discusses how sublime landscapes instil within individuals a sense of the vastness and omnipotence of sublime landscapes, causing human anxieties to fade into an eternal perspective as they serve as a reminder of “human frailty and insignificance.” Excellent introduction once again, your conceptual statements are extremely powerful. The power of sublime landscapes is reinforced visually through De Botton’s extensive use of pictures in this chapter, predominantly Romantic paintings of nature by renowned artists such as Loutherbourg, but also encompassing manufactured liminal landscapes such as airports and cityscapes, as seen in On Travelling Places. Would this be allusion? Sublime landscapes force individuals to contemplate their significance in the world, or lack of, and “may help us to accept more graciously the great unfathomable events that molest our lives and will inevitably return us to dust”. Great.Through the use of low modality language “may”, however, De Botton highlights that individuals can only gain these benefits if they genuinely engage with their landscapes. In the chapter On Possessing Beauty, De Botton personifies beauty as being “fugitive … and how long it stays in our memory depends on how intentionally we have apprehended it”. The ‘guide’ for the chapter, John Ruskin, advocates drawing and word painting landscapes, “because this teaches us to see; to notice, rather than to look.” Through including Ruskin’s instructional passages from his guide The Elements of Drawing, De Botton reveals how art-making forces individuals to notice the disparity between their preconceived notions of the landscape, compared to the landscape’s actual composition, leading to a greater understanding of self as it incites “a conscious understanding of the reason behind our attraction to certain landscapes.” Only through consciously engaging with landscapes can individuals can embrace the power of sublime landscapes and “accept without bitterness or lamentation the obstacles we cannot overcome and events we cannot make sense of”, with this spiritual interaction leading to self-enrichment and elucidating a definite sense of personal identity. This is a stronger, more distinct conclusion. Good work.

De Botton’s arguments can be applied to the persona from In California, who expects her new landscape to be automatically cathartic, without engaging in the landscape. This can be seen through the constant anecdotes which riddle the song, reinforced by her metaphorical description of her current life as “an endless eventide” of memories. During these anecdotes, the song is invariably in a happy, major key, ironically conveying a melancholy nostalgia in which the persona longs for the comfort of her old home yet is repelled by the trauma she experienced there. Because of her attachment to her past life, she fails to engage with her new environment, conveyed through the use of passive language “watching” and “wait all night”, such as in “watching the fox pick off my goldfish / from their sorry golden state”. Here, the antithetical images of “fox”, thought in folklore to signal deceased spirits, and “goldfish”, with connotations of prosperity and harmony, are used to represent how her memories prevent her from moving on and finding happiness in her new landscape. This spiritual entrapment is conveyed through the metaphor “You cannot come and see me / for you cross the border of my heart”, in which the persona likens her mental ‘borders’ with physical entrapment. Thus, the persona fails to engage with the beauty and sublimity of her new natural landscape, representing it instead as confining and oppressive, with this absence of contemplation leading to a lack of spiritual peace and enriched self-identity.

De Botton’s multi-modal text The Art of Travel addresses the effects of real, remembered and imagined landscapes upon individual identity and perspective, using ‘guides’ from the Classical Western canon to authenticate his arguments. It is only though investigating the true beauty of real landscapes that individuals elucidate a sense of self-awareness and spiritual fulfilment. In contrast, Joanna Newsom’s song In California represents the consequences of individuals failing to engage with their landscapes, leading to anguish, confusion and alienation. I'd like ONE more sentence to bring everything together (both texts, both arguments) into one summative statement of position. Otherwise, great conclusion! :)

My feedback is lighter towards the end, mostly because halfway through you'd already done enough to impress me ;) a fantastic essay with superb analytical style, well considered concepts, and excellent expression of your ideas. I love the way you play the texts against each other too; that gets you some extra depth that is really effective!!

My comments throughout are mostly minor, but as overall things, I'd suggest:

- Ensure all your paragraphs have proper conclusions; these should be distinct from your analysis. Thus, ________.
- Be careful of unnecessary details. In some areas you slipped into retell of your text, and/or including techniques in recount of plot (with a link to landscapes thrown in). Try and shift the focus to techniques, which is where it should be for a representation module essay.
- Try to make some more explicit links to the audience. Remember, this is about representation, and texts are represented for an audience. They are constructed in a way that suits a specific context. Try to explore the impacts of techniques on how the responder views ideas on landscapes more frequently and more deliberately, to really push up your sophistication

All of that said, there is a whole lot going right with this essay and nothing at all that concerns me. Adapt this properly to the question and it should do very, very well! :)

Ok, thanks for the advice! My essays are always like double the length they should be  :'( :'(

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #664 on: October 06, 2016, 06:48:25 pm »
Ok, thanks for the advice! My essays are always like double the length they should be  :'( :'(

Don't stress! If you cut some of the unnecessary retell and plot details, and really hone in on analysis, it won't be so large. Plus you might just be a really quick writer!! Long is good if you can do it! ;D

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #665 on: October 06, 2016, 10:59:05 pm »
Hey so i'm doing module A- PRIDE AND PREJUDICE + LETTERS TO ALICE
I was wondering if you could look at my essay and tell me where I can fix it as im a bit confused with the argument and structure in this comparative module.


Hey Rachelle! We require 15 ATAR Notes posts in order to get a full essay or creative pieced marked (you can read more about this in the link in my signature below). In the mean time, we can help you out with no post requirement with your thesis statement if you want to post it here. Or, the English Q+A threads here! :)
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 11:49:39 pm by jamonwindeyer »
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

imtrying

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 115
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #666 on: October 07, 2016, 11:23:20 am »
Hey:) Just hoping for some feedback for my Module A essay on 1984 and Metropolis dealing with social control? Thanks so much:)
Year 12 2016 (94.20)
English (Adv), Maths Ext.1, Modern History, Biology and Physics

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #667 on: October 07, 2016, 11:53:57 am »
Hey:) Just hoping for some feedback for my Module A essay on 1984 and Metropolis dealing with social control? Thanks so much:)

Hey imtrying! My spreadsheet says you need 60 posts to qualify for this essay to be marked, assuming that you would like your AoS essay marked first at 45 posts. You've been posting heaps lately, hang around a bit more and I bet you'll get there for the weekend! ;D

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #668 on: October 07, 2016, 12:24:36 pm »
Hello, Mod C is my weakest Module as I dont really take interest in politcs. But can you please mark and give detailed feedback on structure, arguments make sense etc Thank You  :)

Hey nibblez16! I can see you've posted a Creative to be marked, so if you would like this marked too, you will need to reach 30 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify :) if you hang around a bit you'll get there by the end of the weekend for sure!!

lha

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 115
  • School: Lambton High School
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #669 on: October 07, 2016, 01:08:32 pm »
This is my mod a essay. Could you please critically mark it and let me know the mark i would get if i adapt it well to the question?
Also, I really need to cut down atleast 60 words, preferably 100 because i am incredibly slow writer which sucks for english exams so pleasee let me know anything that i can cut out.

Thank you!

Alfred Tennyson’s poetry, and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River (1978) initially appear intertextually dissimilar due to divergent contexts and medium. Beyond this artificial divide, however, the texts share a complementary examination of the meaning and influence of truth and happiness; the contrasting societal expectations of the divergent Victorian era and the 20th Century serving to strengthen the audiences perceptions of this nexus when viewed in tandem, rather than weaken it. As a result, the disheartening nature of both plots is overwrought by the principle concept being portrayed; the role of truthful self-reflection in allowing the main characters to achieve ultimate happiness. This process is portrayed in the texts through the negative impact the contextual gender roles had on the happiness of their female characters, as well as the power of subjective memories that allow a person to achieve happiness and find truth from their past.

This examination of truth by Tennyson and Anderson is primarily explored through the lens of their own societies to highlight the negative impact which immoral gender roles play on the happiness of women within them. In Tirra Lirra by the River, for example, the chronological proximity of the societal context of Australia and England during the 1970s and post WWII is critical to the progression of the novel. Anderson’s characterisation of Nora represents her as a complex and sophisticated woman with an artistic temperament, creating an intertextual connection between her and Tennyson’s creative poetic style. Nora’s disparate personality conveyed through her characterisation as “a backward and innocent girl”, contrasts the contemporarily traditional archetype of womanhood in the 1940s. These arbitrary gender roles are further satirised through the high modality of Colin’s declarative statement, “no wife of mine is going to work”, emphasising the dominate role of men during the WWII era. Moreover, “Colin won’t let me”, expresses the forced declination of Nora’s job offer through diction, further reinforcing these gender restrictions and the lack of choice that represses her pure happiness. Thus, Anderson’s realistic incorporation of the truthful gender roles that affected women’s happiness in the olden context, in Nora’s life, makes the responder ponder about whether it is based on a true story, skillfully exploring the concept of truth.
 
Similarly, Tennyson has created an allegory in “The Lady of Shalott” which acts as his case against established gender roles that repressed happiness in the Victorian era. The use of iambic tetrameter creates a sense of urgency, expressing Tennyson’s passion for the issue and thus, his truthfulness, for the readers in a way not possible for Anderson in her novelistic form. The protagonist is confined by “four gray walls and four gray towers”, this imagery demonstrating the truth of the Victorian context, the lack of freedom that a woman had through the metaphor of imprisonment. This subtle reinforcement of Tennyson’s view that women were restricted to certain positions in their life, mirrors Anderson’s representation of Nora. Through Anderson and Tennyson’s realistic embodiment of the truth in each context, degrading gender roles have successfully been portrayed to convey the negative effect that they have on a female’s happiness.

Memories are subjective, and thus allow a person to escape their grief to achieve happiness and learn the truth about their past. The metaphor in Nora’s “careful[ness] not to let this globe spin to expose the nether side” represents her high selectivity of the things she wants to remember due to a “nether side” existing, indicating to the readers that she has a poor past due to the political and economic context of the post WWII time that essentially caused her pain. Furthermore, the high modality in “manipulat[ing] the globe myself” emphasises her strong bias that is required for her rehabilitation and therefore her happiness. In conjunction, diction used for the self-realisation in, “at last I had begun to admit the truth – that my greatest need was not for a baby”, allows Nora’s admittance of the truth, and thus the ability to find a solution to her sadness, expressing to the readers the high value of subjective memories in creating happiness. Anderson strongly asserts the significance of subjective memories by giving her protagonist the ability to escape through memory in an attempt to find happiness.

Correspondingly, expressed by Tennyson to communicate a significant truth; the mourning rituals which epitomised an individual’s time of passing in the Victorian era, were the memories that the protagonist obtained of his loved one that helped him in grieving. In spite of the pain felt by the protagonist in “Tears, Idle Tears” due to the factual death of his loved one, remembering them truthfully provides comfort. The assonance and sibilance in “so sad, so fresh” adds to the contemporary mourning effect of the Victorian context and “fresh” employs foreshadowing of a recent event, juxtaposing the title, which suggests, much like Nora, that the persona has experienced prolonged grief as opposed to a recent sad memory. This adeptly promotes Tennyson’s idea of the important role that remembering has for happiness suggesting that he is subconsciously revisiting the old memories as a coping mechanism to his grieving.

Furthermore, in “In Memoriam”, the repetition of the “l” creates alliteration in “the long unlovely street”, a symbol to the audience of the distressingly truthful memories that have to be confronted in order to lament the absence of a friend. Anaphora in the phrase “ring out” draws an image of a bell ‘ringing’ away the troubles, symbolizing the positive effect of recalling factual memories of his friend; proficiently sustaining Tennyson’s theory of the importance of remembering specific characteristics of an individual in order to bemoan them in the Victorian context, to his audience. Furthermore, through “thro’ truths in manhood darkly join”, Tennyson utilizes religious imagery to present the dichotomous relationship between truth and ignorance, making it relatable to people of that religious time, thus allowing an easier understanding of Tennyson’s values amongst the audience. As a result, the relevance of a person’s bias perceptions in order to secure happiness through truthful experiences has been skillfully conveyed by Anderson and Tennyson.

Resultantly, Alfred Tennyson’s poetry and Jessica Anderson’s prose fiction novel, Tirra Lirra by the River, adroitly execute the concept of truth and happiness within their unique contexts. They aid to enhance the reader’s understanding of the negative effect of discriminatory gender roles on each context’s female’s happiness, and the ability of idiosyncratic memories to allow further understanding of the truth and the attainment of happiness. The composers’ analysis of these axiological values accommodate the contextual atmosphere for a comprehensive recognition of the protagonist’s feelings and actions, further assisting a deeper understanding of truth and happiness investigated by Tennyson and Anderson.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 02:15:16 pm by lha »

melprocrastinator

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 67
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #670 on: October 07, 2016, 01:34:29 pm »
Hey, here is my P&P and LTA essay. This module always manages to trigger tears as i find my expression goes a bit weird when im trying to incorporate context and my arguement (especially in topic sentences).

But i will seriously appreciate the feedback, as this is a whole new essay, as in it has never been read by a teacher. I decided to scrap my old essay, so just a warning that its probably a little rough around the edges.
Thank you in advance!

BPunjabi

  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 262
  • So... Hows life?
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #671 on: October 07, 2016, 03:58:43 pm »
Hi Jamon, Elyse or any other Mods.
Could I please have help with my mod b essay and could you also give me a mark out of 20 (or 15, what ever it is)

Rossetti’s poetry has been described as ‘giving voice to the dilemmas of desire amidst strict social expectations’.

To what extent does this perspective align with your understanding of Rossetti’s poetry?


Dilemmas are problems which need to be exploited, being explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries. Christina Rossetti is a famous poet for explicitly contrasting her poetry between challenges, facing herself and others in their epoch. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values.

Rossetti is famously known for addressing predicaments which faced society during the 19th century, surpassing social expectations and ethical ideas which are seen in her range of work. ‘Goblin Market’ is an allegorical narrative styled poem, following a fairytale approach providing moral instruction to its Victorian audience relating to many concepts, dwelling on the infamous notion of fallen women. Being a devoted Christian, Rossetti drew upon various ideas which conflict between religious ethical teachings and femininity. ‘Goblin Market’ is an example of how religious connotations relate to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Sinister connotations are present in the quote “Their evil gifts would harm us” (line 64) which alludes to sexual behavior including religious precaution. The constant symbolism of the fruit relates to the forbidden fruit in the Christian Adam and Eve story seen in “for my sake of the fruit forbidden” (475-484), The temptation was also contrasted in the Christian parable, in which the snake like goblins tempt the personas.

Social expectations are a dangerous enigma which causes control and is commonly challenged in various ways. Rossetti’s patriarchal sonnet ‘In an Artist's Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century. As analyzing the text, it is evident that Pre Raphaelite (and Brother) Dante Rossetti was a part of a major significance for this piece, specifically his relationship with Lizzie Siddal. Idealistic values of women comprised of the religious genre centralising around the notion of “fallen women” are highlighted in ‘In an Artist's Studio’. In the reference “A saint, An Angel” in line 7, the use of metaphor reflects the religious ideals of femininity and “purity” synthesising 19 centuries social attitudes towards women as they were either considered to be virginal, saint like or promiscuous. Having a strong Anglican upbringing, it varied in socialization and brought her closer towards women deemed religious outcastes as concerns grew about women suffrage opposed to Christian values.

Working at High Gate, Rossetti first hand was able to witness the unacceptable treatment of women and how they were out casted by society when going against the status quo. Providing influence towards her poetic work, Rossetti was able to address ambiguous issues involved in her life such as the idea of “fallen women”.  In line 83 of Goblin Market, a simile compares Laura to a lily by the edge of a “beck” or steam. Lilies symbolize purity but they are also sometimes associated with death. The reference to the “moon” in line 246 uses a metaphor to associated with the danger of temptation relating to women in this society become drug addicts and once again falling into the category of ‘fallen women’. Similarly like ‘In an Artist’s studio’, the speaker is amidst a destructive environment in which the idea of moral regeneration contemporarily bringing the characters out of a “forbidden” and “fallen” phases.
 
Being an established author, it is said that Rossetti gained an audience of many people who fought the current situation with prospects involving women and their demise into “temptation”. Her experiences with working with her brother and the rest of the pre Raphaelites gave her deeper empathy regarding marginalised women and the injustices they suffered. Visual Imagery is used in line 5 when it says “in opal or in ruby dress” showing the economic content of the variation of paintings on how they are described using this striking image. The quote “Fair as the moon and joyful as the light” uses a romantic simile, to summaries the artist's view of the female model. Symbolism is used frequently in an Artist's studio such as the mirror as it represents reflections of reality and the artist's image of the model, not the person as she actually is. Brothers muse Elizabeth Siddal, represented his own personal views on her and how he would like her to be depicted.

As Christina Rossetti was notorious for her struggles against communal intentions, providing guidance for those looked down upon, she always broke boundaries and surpassed expectations. ‘Goblin Market’ correlates to the idea of “Fallen women” providing moral instruction to dilemmas which are resulted from strict social expectations. Similarly, ‘In an Artist’s Studio’ targets the Victorian audiences who are familiar with arts and faced hardships in the 19th century notioning the disrespectful intentions of male artists.  By dilemmas being addressed by Rossetti, she radiates a powerful voice which captures the audience alluding them to the injustices involved in their society.
Did HSC in 2016 and was first person to get 100. Aeronautical engineering for me now :P
  <-- CLICK ME

:3

  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 66
  • (─‿‿─)(─‿‿─)(─‿‿─)
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #672 on: October 07, 2016, 04:54:42 pm »
Hello English gurus Sarah, Jamon or Elyse,

Could you possibly provide feedback (and possibly a mark [not neccessarily needed]) on my Module C: People and Politics essay? I'm a bit unsure as to whether my analysis is strong enough, the structure of the essay works and also if I rely too much on retell.

Spoiler
Analyse how the representation of the relationship between people and politics has significance for both the individual and broader society.

The portrayal of relationships between citizens and their governments often plays a significant role in addressing societal issues surrounding the exercise of control. Aldous Huxley’s politically satirical novel Brave New World (1931) and James McTeigue’s compelling film V for Vendetta (2006) both explore the detrimental effects of a corrupt political agenda upon those dictated by it, which hence, emphasises the need for personal interventions in liberating others from it. Although manipulation by the government is often portrayed as being for the ‘greater good’ of society, it in the essence restricts civil liberty.
 
The overarching governmental objectives for power or efficiency has often resulted in the degradation of fundamental humanitarian values due to individuals being oppressed by fear mongering or manipulative means. In the novel, the World Controllers desire for universal order and stability within the State has led to forced conformity amongst society in order to achieve it. This is illustrated within the parody of the French Revolution Tripartite mantra of ‘liberty, equality, fraternity” within “community, identity, stability”, which contrast in values: one for civil freedom and the other for complete subservience. Likewise in the film, the conservative party Norsefire too aims to have total control of its British citizens in order to enforce their own regulations and to also become financially wealthy. [Insert quote/technique - need to find one :3]. Hence, to reinforce such compliance within the World State, technocratic means are employed such as hypnopaedic engineering and the use of the suppressive drug ‘soma’. Such process has led to social degeneracy as individuals are fundamentally being manipulated to accept governmental ideologies unconsciously; their actions have already been pre-determined like ‘robots’. This is evident within the situational irony of the Director of Hatchery’s statement “all conditioning aims at that: making people like their unescapable social destiny”, which highlights this immoral enslavement of human choice. Similarly, Norsefire too achieves it by taking advantage over the situation involving the outbreak of an unknown and deadly disease, created by them, by spreading fear through the use of the media and ultimately promising a cure, which guaranteed their election. The cliché of “fear became the ultimate tool…they promised you order, and all they demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent” illustrates this in which individuals had to sacrifice their civil liberty for societal ‘harmony’. Overall, the immense authority politicians had over their citizens has led to the deterioration of individual wellbeing as their freedom is essentially suppressed.
 
The manipulation of truth by governments is often performed to conceal the inhumane effects of their policies, which as a result, fabricates a false sense of security amongst the influenced. Mustapha Mond within the novel perceives his exercise of control as being vital for ‘universal order and happiness’ as exhibited within the metaphor of “wheels must turn steadily...there must be men to tend them, men...sane...obedient...stable in contentment”. Such representation of it as clockwork highlights the need for individuals, like cogs, to perform their specific roles to ensure efficiency. Likewise, Norsefire portrays their interventions as being a necessity in ensuring societal harmony as depicted within the repetition within “to fail is to invite doubt...doubt will plunge this country back into chaos”. This statement illustrates that if individuals were allowed to exercise their own free will, then regulations that ensured structure would be disregarded, resulting in turmoil. Consequently, Mond embeds such mentality within the psyche of the World State’s citizens as epitomised by Lenina, who is promiscuously active to ‘play her part’ in stability. This is demonstrated within the sexual allusion of “she was a popular girl and, at one time or another, had spent a night with almost all of them”, which highlights this decision but also the degrading nature of it as she is merely being portrayed as an object to be used, rather than a human being. Similarly, citizens under Norsefire regime also ‘understand’ the necessity of control, especially in regards to the persecution of those that oppose it, in achieving societal order as discernment often leads to anarchism and chaos, causing them to adopt a conformist identity. The figurative language within television host Dietrich’s statement of “you wear a mask for so long that you forget who you were beneath it” illustrates this compliance as he is living out a façade moulded by the government, rather than his genuine self, which is reinforced through propaganda and ‘coercion’; it in the essence subdues individuality completely. Hence, the manipulation of truth by governments ultimately leads to social injustice.
 
The tension between political and personal ideologies, brought about by a clash in values, can often lead to either positive or negative outcomes, depending on the individual's capability to liberate others from the government’s hegemonic control. John within the novel embodies the Shakespearian values of romanticism and honour, causing him to despise the hypnopaedic conformist ideal of “everyone belongs to everyone else” and ultimately the World Controller’s manipulation. The cumulative listing of yearnings within “I don’t want comfort. I want...real danger...freedom...sin” highlights this indictment of promiscuous values as he desires to earn his admiration, rather than assimilate into a society where it is degradingly easy to obtain. Likewise, V in the film found assurance within civil liberty, resulting in him to criticise the public’s abandonment of it for control, and supposedly peace. This is exhibited within the metaphor of “our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have...with it, we are free”, which demonstrates society’s nature to fall for enticingly positive outcomes, even when human rights, a necessity for individual happiness, is at stake. However, despite attempts to alter the World State’s citizens mentality from control to freedom, John realises the futility of it as their thoughts have been pre-determined since the beginning, causing him to commit suicide in an attempt to escape such dystopic and immoral world. The gruesome imagery of his death within “dangled a pair of feet...like...compass needles [that rotated endlessly]” demonstrates this in which humanity has lost its sense of direction, which as a result, has led to social injustice. Conversely, V had become a national symbol for justice and freedom as he had openly challenged and exposed the immoral intents of Norsefire. Consequently, citizens then realise the detrimental effects of such governmental policies on individuality, causing them to abandon it for V’s objective for anarchism in an attempt to restore civil liberty and ultimately freedom. The wide shot of the public dressed as ‘V’ exhibits such unity against the hegemonic control of the government, and also how one individual can start off a chain reaction that ‘flips’ political and individual relationships.

Conclusion: not sure how to write an effective one as I usually in a exam just regurgiate the question with my stance due to time constraints and hence, was wondering if you could provide an in-general structure for conclusions.

Much appreciated. <3
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 04:57:01 pm by :3 »

BPunjabi

  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 262
  • So... Hows life?
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #673 on: October 07, 2016, 07:26:56 pm »
Hey Jamon and other mods!

I just posted my Module B question and I think that was when I had 45 posts, so now I have 60 so I am eligible to upload module C now aswell right?
Did HSC in 2016 and was first person to get 100. Aeronautical engineering for me now :P
  <-- CLICK ME

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10149
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #674 on: October 07, 2016, 08:33:56 pm »
Hey Jamon and other mods!

I just posted my Module B question and I think that was when I had 45 posts, so now I have 60 so I am eligible to upload module C now aswell right?

Yep! Expect a bit of a longer delay than normal though (that's a message for everyone posting from this point), we've got a pretty solid backlog at the moment :) :) :)