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October 01, 2026, 05:37:45 pm

Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 799644 times)

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herb123

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1110 on: June 19, 2017, 08:49:50 pm »
Hey herb! As above, in the interests of getting you this before tomorrow, just some quick comments:

- Be sure your ideas are broken up properly with commas, in some places I had to do some grouping in my head to make sense of your sentences.
- Be succinct - The last sentence in your introduction, for example, says "the text is timeless" in about two or three different ways. Watch out for this sort of redundancy!
- Nice structure to your paragraphs, concepts well set up and well brought together
- Be careful not to retell the plot as a way to argue your point, watch for places where you are just writing what happened in the text. Focus should be on techniques
- Ditto, don't tell me what techniques reveal about Kane. Tell me what they reveal about the themes and what they teach the audience directly!
- Add a little more beef to your conclusion, really bring things together properly and make sure you've responded to the question (when you have it) correctly

Hopefully this little bit of last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck ;D

Thanks alot Jamon!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1111 on: June 19, 2017, 08:55:09 pm »
Hi, thank you so much. I know it's last minute, and I'm normally more organised than this but I've had so many assessments this week and English was my last priority. I understand if you can't get it back to me on time!

Annnnd a few last minute comments for you Beth :)

- You have an excellent understanding of the concepts. Ideas are well thought out and logically developed.
- Good analytical style - Technique, quote, and analysis of what it represents. Great work there.
- Further links to what the audience learns from the text would be beneficial, what specific further understanding does the audience gain from the text and the techniques within?
- Be careful not to slip into retelling the story, a few places where you are relying on plot to do the work for you
- I like that you've left room to link to the question at the conclusion of a paragraph - Make sure you do this, very important
- Don't describe what we learn about characters (EG - to describe Daisy's emotions), be sure to describe what we learn about themes in general - The characters are just puppets!

I think you've got an effective plan - Be sure it doesn't restrict you, be ready to adapt significantly if the question is different than you expect, even with the themes they could do something tricky. Good luck!! ;D
« Last Edit: June 19, 2017, 09:03:24 pm by jamonwindeyer »

herb123

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1112 on: June 19, 2017, 09:04:58 pm »
Hey herb! As above, in the interests of getting you this before tomorrow, just some quick comments:

- Be sure your ideas are broken up properly with commas, in some places I had to do some grouping in my head to make sense of your sentences.
- Be succinct - The last sentence in your introduction, for example, says "the text is timeless" in about two or three different ways. Watch out for this sort of redundancy!
- Nice structure to your paragraphs, concepts well set up and well brought together
- Be careful not to retell the plot as a way to argue your point, watch for places where you are just writing what happened in the text. Focus should be on techniques
- Ditto, don't tell me what techniques reveal about Kane. Tell me what they reveal about the themes and what they teach the audience directly!
- Add a little more beef to your conclusion, really bring things together properly and make sure you've responded to the question (when you have it) correctly

Hopefully this little bit of last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck ;D
Thanks again for the feedback but their was one main question i forgot to ask.
Like my essay is pretty narrow in its aguments and im worried cos Mod B has the tendency to throw curveball questions on specifc ideas
So whilst i probs have to retain the same ideas and quotes etc in my argument but is their anyway i can easily adapt my topic sentence and consequently paragraphs to suit different questions
would it be like:
broad statement addressing q -> then how this relates how  eg. obsessive pursuit of ambition explores this

i really struggled with this in our exam :(

bethr

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1113 on: June 19, 2017, 09:21:08 pm »
Annnnd a few last minute comments for you Beth :)

- You have an excellent understanding of the concepts. Ideas are well thought out and logically developed.
- Good analytical style - Technique, quote, and analysis of what it represents. Great work there.
- Further links to what the audience learns from the text would be beneficial, what specific further understanding does the audience gain from the text and the techniques within?
- Be careful not to slip into retelling the story, a few places where you are relying on plot to do the work for you
- I like that you've left room to link to the question at the conclusion of a paragraph - Make sure you do this, very important
- Don't describe what we learn about characters (EG - to describe Daisy's emotions), be sure to describe what we learn about themes in general - The characters are just puppets!

I think you've got an effective plan - Be sure it doesn't restrict you, be ready to adapt significantly if the question is different than you expect, even with the themes they could do something tricky. Good luck!! ;D

Wow, thank you so much! That's helped relieve my stress a little bit :) I'm sorry again for the last minute request.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1114 on: June 19, 2017, 09:22:25 pm »
Thanks again for the feedback but their was one main question i forgot to ask.
Like my essay is pretty narrow in its aguments and im worried cos Mod B has the tendency to throw curveball questions on specifc ideas
So whilst i probs have to retain the same ideas and quotes etc in my argument but is their anyway i can easily adapt my topic sentence and consequently paragraphs to suit different questions
would it be like:
broad statement addressing q -> then how this relates how  eg. obsessive pursuit of ambition explores this

i really struggled with this in our exam :(

Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1115 on: June 19, 2017, 09:23:05 pm »
Wow, thank you so much! That's helped relieve my stress a little bit :) I'm sorry again for the last minute request.

You are welcome! Oh don't be sorry, I'm just bummed I couldn't give more detailed feedback. Next time hopefully :)

georgiia

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1116 on: June 19, 2017, 09:28:15 pm »
Hey Georgia! In the interests of trying to get you some feedback before your assessment tomorrow, I'm not going to go through the whole thing in detail, just provide some overall comments! It won't count towards your 15 post requirement and you can come back and use those another time :)

- Good ideas presented in the introduction - Be sure they are expressed clearly. Being overly verbose will hinder you sometimes. Nice work - I'd avoid first person at the end there though!
- Excellent analytical style, fantastic links to the context of the 21st century reader
- Be sure that every quote you provide has a technique associated with it, avoid saying "the line" as much as possible. It should always be "the simile" or "the symbolism in", etc etc
- Be sure of your arguments - Don't say a conclusion is 'plausible,' argue it home as if there is no other truth!
- Avoid rhetorical questions (unless this is a speech)
- Try to discuss themes not characters (don't discuss what we learn about Prufrock, discuss what we learn more generally - Even if you then link to something more general, Prufrock isn't a necessary step to that end)
- Be sure to make a judgement, the question is asking "to what extent," you need to put in evaluative verbs, even something as obvious as "to a significant extent," to answer the question properly.

Hopefully the last minute feedback is helpful - Good luck :)

Thank you so much for the feedback, I'll be sure to take it into account in my exam tomorrow.
Thank you!!

herb123

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1117 on: June 19, 2017, 09:50:10 pm »
Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?

Thanks so much!!

jingyi.ren1999

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1118 on: June 20, 2017, 11:09:09 am »
Can you mark this Module A Question? im not sure how to improve it as I received a 13/20 for the mark. Thanks!

Contemporary texts are often valuable as they allow new perspectives and insights into classic works. Discuss how Looking for Richard has given you more insight into Richard III.

New perspectives and insights are gained through the difference between the composers’ interconnection of the text with their society. A comparative study of William Shakespeare’s play, Richard the Third and Al Pacino’s docu-drama, Looking for Richard highlights the difference in gender roles and characterisation with respective societal influences affecting their representation. Due to the influence of a monarchical power structure in the Elizabethan era paralleling with 20th century politics  … Audiences are able to follow the movement of a patriarchal society to contemporary societal values.
Shakespeare constructed Richard the Third with specific choice of language and structure to reflect the idea of patriarchal construct in his context. This contrasts with Pacino’s context to represent the shift in gender values as shown through his camera techniques and dialogue.  The seduction of Lady Anne indicates the dominance of male power in the 16th century. The use of ‘I’, ‘thy’, and ‘me’ in ‘For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” highlights Richards utter authority and power as he blames the murder on the weak and vulnerable Lady Anne. Much differently, Pacino’s association of age by power is seen through the casting of Lady Anne. “As young as you can get and be able to do Shakespeare’, the shift of values from the patriarchy to the association of youth to powerlessness rather than gender suggests the gender equality within the modern context . Female powerlessness is furthered in Shakespeare’s play by the representation of the Queen, “By him that raised me to this careful height’  allows interpretation of how a woman’s power is associated with men. Much like Margaret “all the pleasures you unsurp are mine’  again represents the transiency of female power and allows for the interpretation of total social constraint and a male driven society. Through the shift in medium, Pacino utilises the mix of close up and mid shots in combination with emotive language to reshape the perception of gender roles to a more balanced relationship between men and women. The female actor Allen challenges male power in rehearsal suggestive of female empowerment in contemporary society through her aggressive tone’ Why make them incompetent? Why make them weak?’ This allows interpretation of the shared equal voice between men and women. Ultimately, Shakespeare and Pacino utilised different literary techniques to construct female empowerment in their different contextual backgrounds allowing audiences to follow the shift in female power from a patriarchal society to gender equality .
Characterisation as influenced by context suggests the political status of its society. Owing to his loyalty to the Tudor monarch, Elizabeth I, Shakespeare depicts Richard as ruthless and evil which cis eerily similar to Pacino’s representation of Richard in a fashion more accessible for modern audiences.   Richard is portrayed as a demon-like creature through his black clothing, the colour of evil and malice as well as his action of constantly lurking in the darkness which can be interpreted as his refusal of the allure of light. Due to contextual differences, Shakespeare’s exaggerates Richard’s malice through soliloquies and his victims overlook his dishonesty and are complicit in their own destruction as they allow themselves to be influenced by his charisma. The irony in Hastings’ remark “For by his face straight shall you know his heart’ exaggerates Hastings’ trust and loyalty towards Richard yet is quickly contradicted to ‘thou protector of this damned strumpet...thou art a traitor off with his head’ highlights Richard’s manipulative control over others. Ultimately, the characterisation owing to contextual influences allow audience to gain the manipulative control of Richard in both texts
The target audience of a piece of literature influences the characterisation within the text. In Pacino’s context, audiences have no prejudice or pre-set values that affect their attitude towards Richard yet through monarchical influences, Shakespeare’s audience can not sympathises with Richard in his entirety. Pacino’s manipulation of Richard’s representation is exaggerated to appeal to a fashion and beauty obssessed society. Richard’s disproportional body gains sympathy from contemporary audiences as he is judged based on his outward appearance unlike with the Shakespeare audience where their preconceived idea of   Richard as a ‘caco-demon’ through monarchical myths would not aspire sympathetic response. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s manifestation of evil through religious connotation in ‘I clothe my naked villainy with old ends stolen out of holy writ’ provides insight into Richard’s Machiavellian nature and the omission of the divine rights of king. This contrasts with the Shakespearean audience’s conceptual ideology of Richard influenced by the monarch reigned at that period to the dramatization of Richard’s fall in Pacino’s context. The portrayal of Richard’s death is Hollywoodized  to suit the American context whereby the audience can sympathise further through that representation.
Ultimately, the representation of gender roles and characterisation of Richard in different contexts allows the audience to follow the transition of the patriarchal society to the gender equality in contemporary society. Also the political influences regarding the characterisation of Richard’s evil is suggestive of the power of his monarchical status to the political status in contemporary society. Pacino allows audience to gain new perspective of the contextual society in the Shakespearean era.   

herb123

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1119 on: June 20, 2017, 03:52:39 pm »
Don't worry, I struggled a lot with this too! The trick is to define the key words cleverly such that your ideas don't need to change so much. For example, let's say I really wanted to talk about ambition, but the question was on the nature of love (or something). Seems different, but if I define my Thesis to say that love can only truly take hold if ambition is put aside, suddenly I have a link between the two. I'm pulling this from nowhere of course, but this is the sort of thing you need. Take the key words, and think, How can I make this suit what I want to discuss?

Thanks so much man
The question ended up being really different (how are memories used...) as expected but thanks to ur tips i was able to draw strong (i hope) connections to my arguments!

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1120 on: June 20, 2017, 06:10:53 pm »
Can you mark this Module A Question? im not sure how to improve it as I received a 13/20 for the mark. Thanks!

Contemporary texts are often valuable as they allow new perspectives and insights into classic works. Discuss how Looking for Richard has given you more insight into Richard III.

New perspectives and insights are gained through the difference between the composers’ interconnection of the text with their society. A comparative study of William Shakespeare’s play, Richard the Third and Al Pacino’s docu-drama, Looking for Richard highlights the difference in gender roles and characterisation with respective societal influences affecting their representation. Due to the influence of a monarchical power structure in the Elizabethan era paralleling with 20th century politics  … Audiences are able to follow the movement of a patriarchal society to contemporary societal values.


Hey there! Unfortunately we can't give you the full feedback you'd like until you reach 15 ATAR Notes posts! Not too difficult to do - search around, ask some questions, any some questions, and you'll be there in no time! If you'd like I can have a look at a specific paragraph that's troubling you if you need urgent feedback to see if you're on the right track. But, to get the full piece marked, 15 posts is what we need! Let me know if I can help you around the forums at all :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1121 on: June 20, 2017, 09:15:50 pm »
Thanks so much man
The question ended up being really different (how are memories used...) as expected but thanks to ur tips i was able to draw strong (i hope) connections to my arguments!

Great to hear! Glad my tips were helpful ;D

bethr

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1122 on: June 20, 2017, 10:43:55 pm »
Hello!

About 3 weeks ago we had to do a speech for Mod B. I'd thought I'd done well in it. I worked on it really hard with my tutor, I asked for multiple people's opinions,and they all thought that it was a solid response. Or so they thought. I did really poorly in it. When I went to go see the teacher who marked my speech for extra feedback, she simply regurgitated to me what I already knew. So could you guys tell me your opinion of it and where I went wrong? And what mark you would've given it? I don't want to give you any preconceived ideas in telling you my mark but this was my feedback: A very good speech Beth with a powerful opening thesis statement. You had great links to values and beliefs in your Sadat analysis, less so in Atwood. Your topic sentences linked quite well to the question for Sadat; again, less so for Atwood. It was pleasing to hear your attempt at synthesis. Your delivery was very good and you maintained very good eye contact with the examiners. (I'm in absolutely no rush to get feedback for this anytime soon) Thank you so much!!
« Last Edit: June 20, 2017, 10:49:10 pm by bethr »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1123 on: June 20, 2017, 11:03:27 pm »
Hello!
...

Hey beth! We'll get this marked soon for you, just to clarify, were those comments from your teacher or your tutor? ;D

Wales

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1124 on: June 21, 2017, 12:22:39 am »
Hey :D I've finished the draft for my essay now.

It would be great if you can get me feedback before Friday :) I'm looking for specific feedback on the conceptual structure and the way I've embedded the concepts. If there are breakdowns in reasoning etc. I'll edit this with questions I have if I come across anything.

Politics illustrates the ultimate powerlessness of ordinary people.
To what extent is this view represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary society. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing ideas of human manipulation in order to depict the underlying powerlessness of the citizens. By ascribing the ideology of power and control to an applicable medium, composers can creates a world space that allows the audience to understand the concealed truths behind political actions. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World  (1932) deeply investigates the dystopian themes of inculcation, dehumanisation and totalitarianism while Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) depicts the modern political agenda of being omnipotent and manipulative. Both texts explore the effect of advancing technology and exercises the similar themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are stripped of their intrinsic autonomy.
 
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state as a response for their insatiable desire for power. The World States thirst for power to control and manipulate the population is revealed through hyperbole of the production line which represents the relationship between technological advancements and politics. Huxley exaggerates the impact of consumerism on society with the religious parody “Sign of the T” and the recurring substitutes for profanity “Oh Ford”. The satirical remarks signify the quixotic nature of the populace by juxtaposing the divine with a consumerist parody which resonates with the dystopic nature of a totalitarianistic society whereby individuals are uneducated about true divine beliefs. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values in the New World such as the  ubiquitous encouragement of promiscuity. Huxley’s jargon when describing children “ Barring a little surreptitious auto-erotism and homo-sexuality -- absolutely nothing” contrasts the dissolution of values and diminishes the intrinsic innocent nature of children in order to create an atmosphere that exemplifies the World State’s idealistic visions of control and autocratic rule to create a capitalist consumerist world space where predetermination and powerlessness is promoted. By capitalising on the ethos of the 20th century Huxley unveils the ultimate power of the conditioning process in the technocratic paradigm of the World State and accentuates on the limited freedoms of it’s citizens. 
 
Individuals often deluded into trusting the word of politicians but in a society where political collusion is prominent it is crucial to distinguish between the phantasmic political ideology of security and actions taken to meet said ideologies. Snowden captures the central ideas of manipulation, dramatising them to demonstrate the abuse of power in intergovernmental organisations, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual position of citizens. Oliver Stone depicts the impunity of the Government through the extreme closeup shot of the CIA Director telling Edward “your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend of hers” which portrays an abuse of authority and a clear invasion of privacy clearly contradicting the quintessential American Civil Liberty of the right to be secure, promoting the autocratic power of the state in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup of Edwards despairful expression is an aesthetic representation of his powerlessness after having his human rights violated and reiterates his ethical conflict of data collection with the state’s actions. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of citizens through Edwards dialogue “ which people?, the whole kingdom Snow White”. The intertextual reference and closeup shot of Edwards conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the supremacy of the state through their phantasmic promotion of national security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy uncovering the States ubiquitous manipulation of the people.   
 
As society slowly regresses into a nihilistic perspective, the fundamental humanist values of life dissipate. Huxley inverts the values society clings heavily upon and explores the twisted nature of the lust for axiomatic rule over the people and desensitises the actions to which the world state executes to obtain power. Huxley furthers the inversion of the value human life through the idiosyncratic imagery “ where the Alpha’s and Beta’s remained bottled” completely disregarding the intrinsic worth of an individual by associating inanimate objects with the sacred rite of birth. The world leaders further emphasise the lack of inherent value of their citizens through blunt phrasing “ you might decondition…” highlighting objectification of human life illustrating the loss of human values. Similarly Stone’s use of sinister music while Edward is shown the capabilities of PRISM, (a government spyware) depicts the inherent evil nature of illicit data collection and the relationship between the government's ideology of security and the clandestine actions taken accentuated through the dark lighting in the computer room alluding to the implicit violation of the rights of citizens. Both composers utlise appropriate thematic mediums to convey the nihilistic ideals which determine the states actions and illustrate the ways the people have their human rights violated.
 
In order to achieve the ultimate goal of a dystopic society where the government yearns for axiomatic rule over the people, clandestine actions are taken in order to acquire the desired result. Huxley opposes the traditional approach of oppression to obtain control by exploiting the happiness of the citizens by subverting the connatural structure of human life through scientific means such as embryonic conditioning and bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable state, whereby the state inculcates capital consumerist ideologies such as the cliche “ignorance is bliss” implying if one is not educated they are unable to be troubled. The ideology of ignorance is reflected in the hypnopaedic conditioning phrase “a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist ideals of the state. Stone proposes the Government exercises similar ideology of ignorance through the extreme closeup of Edward's distraught face when saying “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” which contrasts the Huxleyan idea of exploiting the innocent. Stone further displays the Governement dogmas of control and manipulation through the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “Big brother is watching you” which seeks to exemplify the sensationalist nature of political journalism. The intertextual relation to Orwell’s 1984 alludes to the Government’s oppressive nature and its approach to attaining control through fear which Stone reiterates in the low angle shots of Edward when he converses with his superiors signifying his state of powerlessness whilst under the government’s control. By understanding the differing evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to control of ignorance against Stone’s technological crisis the audience is able understand the oppressive nature politics.
 
By acknowledging the complex nature one’s approach to representation individuals are enlightened to the differing perspectives offered by the composer. When comparing both the Stone and Huxleyan interpretations of political control, one is exposed to the dark thematics of a dystopian society where a lack of autonomous desire overrides the populace. Both composers share effective an authorial desire to evoke the audience in order to explore the conflicting perspectives of an dystopic world space.
 
 

Cheers :D

Wales~
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
« Last Edit: June 21, 2017, 09:28:28 am by Wales »
Heavy Things :(