English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[bearbear]

Hey bearbear! I've attached your essay below with feedback in bold:

Essay With Feedback

Representations of politics often reveal the relationship between authority and its impact on people. How has Arthur Miller represented this relationship and its impact in The Crucible?

Representations of politics within a text often reflects a composer’s context and is a criticism of political motives and authority, and the impacts they have on individuals and society. That sentence is perhaps a tad too long ('and' used twice), however, good start. I'd split into two to properly flesh out both parts of the sentence. Authority enable individuals to obtain power and how they use that power will influence its impact on people. Expression issue here, not quite sure of the idea you are presenting. Power can be abused, resulting in fear, hysteria and rebellion, however, power can be also used to fight against injustice and promote the truth. Arthur Miller’s allegorical play, The Crucible (1953), explores the relationship between authority and it’s impact on society and individuals using the Salem witch trials of 1692 and his own political context of McCarthyism in 1950s America. Exactly what ideas is Miller going to present through the text? Right now the ideas you are exploring are a little vague, try and set up specific themes/ideas Miller covers in this introduction.

The way in which power is used can be influenced by an individual’s context and political events and situations. These and events can often be turbulent which can cause dissent amongst society. When this occurs it causes those in authority to tighten control and exert their power more forcefully, which can cause hysteria and rebellion. This is seen through the character of Deputy Governor Danforth who abuses his power by convicting the innocent with no concrete evidence. Don't use plot details/character description as evidence - You need to use techniques. Danforth is determined to stamp out the threat of witchcraft and this is shown when he says “we burn a hot fire here: it melts down all concealment.” Retell, see how you are just telling me what the character said? The violent imagery of this statement shows his determination but it is also ironic as Danforth is seeking the truth even though he himself is deeply corrupt. Try not to discuss character dialogue as if it is their dialogue, it is MILLER who makes these choices. All techniques should be attributed to Miller. Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” Retell. The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power. Retell/character description, you aren't really exploring the themes here, but characters! You need to approach it more conceptually. Danforth also abuses his power by refusing to listen to the dissenting views of those who are trying to expose the truth. Retell. He accuses these individuals of being disloyal to the court by saying “a person is either with this court or against it, there is no road in between.” Retell. This statement shows how intolerant and controlling Danforth is. This abuse of power leads to innocent people being sent to their death, causing chaos in Salem. Retell. Miller uses this to mirror his political context of McCarthyism. In both of these political situations, innocent people were wrongly accused with no concrete evidence or proof of wrongdoing. Miller was significantly affected by the McCarthy trials as he himself was targeted and the Salem community was essentially destroyed. American authorities feared and were paranoid that communists would infiltrate society and as a result abused their authority and power to stamp out the threat. These events exemplify how political situations can cause individuals to abuse their power and how it negatively impacts society. Good link to context, but you've not done much more than talk about the similarities between the events in the text and the events in Miller's context. You need more - What are Miller's ideas and how were THEY influenced by his context. How is the context obvious in the techniques Miller uses?

While the abuse of power and authority can negatively impact society, it can cause some to rebel against those in power by promoting the truth and fighting against the injustice. In the Crucible, the character of John Proctor demonstrates how the abuse of power can cause some to act out against those in authority. This is a good start, and it seems more conceptual than the previous paragraph so far. Proctor is a well respected individual in the Salem community but has no official authority. Back to retell - Always ask, does anyone who has read the text know what I'm about to say? One individual that Proctor rebels against is Reverend Parris, claiming that he only ‘preach hellfire and bloody damnation’. Retell. The imagery of ‘hellfire’ and ‘bloody damnation’ shows Proctor’s distrust for Parris as he believes the minister is corrupt. Proctor also rebels against the court as has the power to expose the truth to save his wife and end the witch hunt, however, the court has become corrupt, preventing him from being able remedy the injustice. Proctor shows how corrupt the court has become in this statement, ‘vengeance is walking Salem….the little crazy children are jangling the keys of the kingdom, and common vengeance writes the law!’. The personification and repetition of ‘vengeance’ reveals the injustice of the witch trials as they are based on revenge rather than truth and is symbolic of Abigail's revenge. You are doing a great job identifying a variety of techniques, but you are using them to analyse the plot more than you are the concept in a more universal way. It also shows through the imagery of ‘children jangling the keys’ the reversal of power roles as the girls who made accusations of witchcraft suddenly have the power to convict the innocent with the point of their finger, despite their lack of authority. Retell. This further reinforces how the court is abusing it’s power and as a result Proctor becomes a victim of this abuse as the truth is ignored. Retell. Proctor believed that by confessing the truth he could protect Elizabeth, even stating ‘Do that which is good, and no harm shall come to thee.’ However, this statement reflects the irony of the situation as Proctor has done what is ‘good’ by exposing the truth, but has come to harm as is forced to confess publicly or give his life. Danforth ignores the truth that has been exposed by repeatedly refusing to postpone the hangings by stating, "There will be no postponement" and "postponement now speaks a floundering on my part..." as he believes acknowledging the truth will undermine his authority. Retell. This is reflective of Miller’s context as he had been charged with contempt of congress after he had refused to name the individuals who he had attended a meeting with as they were alleged communist writers. There was no consideration about the truth of the meeting and Miller was charged by accusations. Miller had become a victim of the abuse of power which prompted him to speak out against the mass conformity and the lack of personal opinion of his time. He expressed this through writing The Crucible as a criticism of his personal political context and the impact that authority has on society. In both these situations it is demonstrated that the abuse of power can cause individuals to rebel in order to promote the truth and fight injustice. This is a slightly better reference to context, but try not to spend many sentences retelling the details. It should be a faster, more integrated reference: "The use of THIS technique demonstrates Miller's opposal to mass conformity, strongly reflective of Miller's personal legal battles." Or similar to that. Quick, powerful, and related primarily to the theme!

Arthur Miller uses The Crucible and it’s key characters to represent the relationship between  authority and it’s impacts individuals and society. He demonstrates how power can be abused by those in positions of authority which results in fear and hysteria. Miller also reveals how the abuse of power can cause some to rebel against authority to expose the truth and fight injustice. The Crucible and McCarthyism in the 1950’s, provide valuable insight into the power of accusation and reveals the link between authority and abuse of power and how this impact individuals and society.

Overall my main comments (focusing on the feedback you received):

- I agree, your structure was clear and the way you explained your concepts was direct. At all times I knew what your argument was. Good job there!
- Great work on techniques too!
- When asked to talk about characters "in more depth," I interpret that as discussing them in a more thematic way. So, shifting away from descriptions of their actions and the techniques that appear in their dialogue, and shifting instead to how Miller portrays those characters to represent themes. Right now you are sort of doing, "This is what happened, and this sort of shows us this about the character in terms of power." Instead, it needs to be, "Miller wants to show this, and it reflects this aspect of context, and he constructs this character in this way to show us that." It is subtle but it is important!
- On context, try and integrate it more seamlessly. Smaller, more meaningful references throughout do more for you than a big description at the end of the paragraph, because doing it at the end feels more separate and doesn't put everything together quite as effectively

Hopefully these thoughts plus my comments throughout are helpful! Let us know if we can be of any more help

Thankyou, this is helpful, but how do I try to fix the 'retell' as I thought had done  really well with this essay to avoid it? I had this essay marked by two teachers and neither made a comment about retell.
And just another question, do you think that by having a more thematic focus I would be able to boost my marks?

[jamonwindeyer]

Thankyou, this is helpful, but how do I try to fix the 'retell' as I thought had done  really well with this essay to avoid it? I had this essay marked by two teachers and neither made a comment about retell.
And just another question, do you think that by having a more thematic focus I would be able to boost my marks?

Retell is my personal pet peeve, so don't take my feedback filled with the word 'retell' as a seriously bad thing. It just means I'm noticing you retelling the story in a recount sort of fashion, where it would be better to approach it more analytically. The trick to this is to constantly be thinking in terms of the composer - Everything starts there. What idea do they want to convey? How do they do it (technique)? How effective is that (audience impact)? You aren't starting with a "Here's what happened" and then linking it back to a theme, you are making more deliberate links to what the composer wants to show.

Let me try and give you an example. So take this excerpt from your essay:

Danforth maintains the perception that what he is doing is “just”, when in reality he is abusing his authority and power by threatening Mary Warren to confess saying, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” The use of the rhetorical question shows Danforth harshly reminding Mary of his authoritative position and by threatening her he shows how he is abusing his power.

Red bits are retell-esque! You might cover these same details (excuse any errors, I didn't study this text, but hopefully it gives you the idea) in this way:

Miller's use of rhetorical question, “Do you know who I am? I say you will hang if you do not open with me!” accentuates the representation of an abuse of power by Danforth, thus demonstrating __________ to the audience.

Notice I've covered pretty much the same thing as you, but without plot details. Purely, here's the technique Miller uses, this is what it represents, and then you add what it conveys to the audience. Just a rough idea of what I mean by shifting away from retell.

More thematic focus = More marks? Yes, I think so! But, it is also a harder style of essay to write (imo), definitely not a guaranteed fix

[jamonwindeyer]

Okay so I have my thesis and topic sentences for this question, just wanted to know if these make sense and work.

On taking a read, I think they work excellently! Thesis is great, leaves room for exploration of concepts but still answers the question. Topic sentences are all insightful and direct in what they add to that Thesis. Only qualm I'd have is the "reforming power of nature" in the 2nd topic sentence, seems just a bit vague - But that's a nitpick. I think you are off to an excellent start

[chloeannbarwick]

Hi there! I was just hoping to get this module A essay thoroughly marked. I received an 18/20 for it in an in class exam however my teacher is a very easy marker so I would expect it to only be like a 16 in the HSC. I'm willing to consider any and all advice given to help improve it as a base for trials and HSC -- thank you!

To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human? – comparative study.

 John Donne’s 17th century metaphysical poetry explores the limitations of intellectuality on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for redemption. These central renaissance values from within Donne’s sonnets Hymn to God: my God in my Sickness, Death be not proud, and A valediction: Forbidden mourning, are effectively reshaped by Margaret Edson within her 20th century minimalist play W;t (1995) through the inclusion of simmilar extremes to that of Donne, which depict the consequences which arise from being human. Both Donne and Edson employ a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response, the formation of my own conclusions, and a deepened understanding of what exactly it means to be a human in both the modern era and Donne’s 17th century context.
Despite contrasting religious frameworks, the personas’ obsession with using academia in an attempt to overcome the emotional impact of death becomes exceedingly obvious within both texts. John Donne and Vivian Bearing face death with extensive intellect and vocabulary, although in both cases, the limitations of their academia become obvious. Both personas’ must come to accept the fact that as humans, we are not capable of beating death and must therefore work towards acceptance. The intertextuality of Donne’s sonnets assists Vivian in overcoming her fear of immanent death through the elusive power of renaissance literature. The line from Death, be not proud, “Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,” addresses death directly, the boldness of which serves to undermine deaths power. Misinterpreting this, Vivian believes that she can avoid her inevitable death, however, as a human, she is physically unable to survive such intense and dangerous rounds of chemo as seen by not only the physical, but the mental toll effecting who she is. Vivian’s extensive intellect does not allow her to look past death, although she no longer understands the terminology which one defined her existence and is now able to interpret Donne’s poetry from a new perspective with the help of E.M Ashford, as seen in the line “Life, death… It’s a metaphysical conceit. It’s wit!” by Vivian, followed by “It’s not wit, miss Bearing, It’s truth.” Ashford assists Vivian to comprehend the inevitable truth of death, and the situationally ironic statement see’s her previous attempt to camouflage herself with the illusion of intellectuality in order to beat death stripped back to base as she is now able to recognize both the limitations to her intellectuality and her capabilities as a human being. Both composers create a sophisticated, societal critique through which we as viewers are encouraged to question our understanding of the process of death and what it means to be human. DBNP reveals that as humans, we cannot beat, yet should not be afraid of death through apostrophe within a hybridized sonnet whilst WIT show’s us this through alienation effect within a brechtian play. This process contributes to an enhanced understanding of what exactly it means to be human, this being the fact that one cannot beat death, and similar to the way in which Vivian Bearing cannot out wit John Donne.
The idea of intellectuality becoming a barrier preventing redemption presents itself within the poetry of John Donne and has been enhanced by Edson within W;t through emphasizing the ever-present reality of the measuring of a life/soul on the plight for redemption and how this is a universal journey for all of humanity weather it be redemption with God, or redemption with a fellow human. Allusion of the Drake passage within Donne’s Hymn to God is employed with the purpose of revealing his intellectual capability to poets within the society of the time. The line “That this is my south-west discovery,” references his ‘south-west discovery,’ meaning that he must go full-force to reach his redemption, similar to the way in which a boat must go full-force through the drake passage if it wishes to survive. However, his drive to prove himself intellectually becomes a barrier, preventing him from proving himself to God and therefore, preventing his redemption. Vivian faces an almost identical experience, particularly during the final stages of her battle with cancer as she seeks redemption with herself. Currently experiencing a lack of relationships within her life, it becomes evident to that her life had evolved around knowledge and academics rather than people resulting in her great career – but nobody to share it with. It is at this point that Vivian states “I’m scared. Oh God… I’m like a student and this is the final exam and I don’t know what to put down because I don’t understand the question and I’m running out of time.” Here, Vivian’s sincere tone makes clear that her intellectuality has long been a barrier in regards to her relationships and has since become a barrier which stands between herself and redemption, enhancing my understanding of what it means to be human as I come to understand the balance which should exist between intellectuality and other aspects of life in order for one to reach their desired salvation.
Love is a powerful human emotion which has the capability to overcome insensitive states of intellectuality and provide a sense of spiritual fulfillment and has been employed by both Donne and Edson as a means to soften a character which might otherwise remain emotionally void. Within Valediction, Donne highlights a new-found sense of spiritual fulfilment through astronomical conceit “Moving of Earth brings harms… trepidation of the spheres… innocent.” Here, Donne employs Ptolemy’s universe model to depict the power of celestial love on a person and it’s ability to transcend all physical barriers. Through highlighting the importance of emotion on the human state, Donne hereby deepens my understanding of what it means to be human, and this has then been greatly enhanced by Edson’s exploration of a similar situation within the life of Vivian Bearing. Edson depicts that the genuine interaction of Susie with Vivian serves to prevent the medical objectification of Vivian as “a specimen jar.” Consequently, Vivian abandons all sense for heartfelt emotional change as she depicts the impotence of her literary vigor against the torturous medical procedures she must endure. Through the symbolism of the popsicle in conjunction with Susies soothing tone “I know, it hurts. I know, It’s alright,” It is through the love shown to Vivian by Susie that she is then able to break through her intellectual disguise, allowing her to cope with the severity of her situation. This exploration of love within both texts has assisted me to understand that love is a universal human emotion, and one that has the capability to overcome all physical barriers.
Both Donne and Edson explore the limitations of academia on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for freedom. It is through the exploration of these central renaissance values that both authors have depicted the consequences that arise from being human, employing a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response and the enhancement of my understanding regarding what exactly it means to be human.

[bethr]

Hello!
I was wondering if someone could please take a look at my Mod B Speech plans? Specifically, if the quotes work well with my ideas/thesis statements.
Thank you! 

[pikachu975]

Hi, we had an essay question for mod C in our trial and I got 16/20, just wondering where to improve based on the feedback which will be written at the end.

Spoiler

Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom.

The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda.

Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.

The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened") by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society.

In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.

Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society.

Main feedback: Your response requires a more insightful/skilful evaluation of both texts' representation to obtain a higher grade.
Also there was some comments scattered around such as "dialogue from related?" but it was a short film with no speaking.

Thanks for any help!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi there! I was just hoping to get this module A essay thoroughly marked. I received an 18/20 for it in an in class exam however my teacher is a very easy marker so I would expect it to only be like a 16 in the HSC. I'm willing to consider any and all advice given to help improve it as a base for trials and HSC -- thank you!

Sure thing Chloe! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler

To what extent have the two texts you have studied in this module enhanced your understanding of what it means to be human?

John Donne’s 17th century metaphysical poetry explores the limitations of intellectuality on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for redemption. Nice Thesis, but it does seem just a tad broad. "Limitations of intellectuality on the significance of...," I don't quite follow what you mean there. Perhaps a second clarifying sentence would help? These central renaissance values from within Donne’s sonnets Hymn to God: my God in my Sickness, Death be not proud, and A valediction: Forbidden mourning, are effectively reshaped by Margaret Edson within her 20th century minimalist play W;t (1995) through the inclusion of simmilar extremes to that of Donne, which depict the consequences which arise from being human. Excellent way to bring in the two texts, one reshapes ideas first considered in the other. Excellent. Both Donne and Edson employ a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response, the formation of my own conclusions, and a deepened understanding of what exactly it means to be a human in both the modern era and Donne’s 17th century context. Avoid first person in academic essays - You can express your understanding and YOUR perspective without it, it is your essay so that is implied.

Despite contrasting religious frameworks, the personas’ obsession with using academia in an attempt to overcome the emotional impact of death becomes exceedingly obvious within both texts. I'd rephrase this to say that both composers construct a persona with an obsession with academia etc etc, make it more about the construction. John Donne and Vivian Bearing face death with extensive intellect and vocabulary, although in both cases, the limitations of their academia become obvious. Both personas’ must come to accept the fact that as humans, we are not capable of beating death and must therefore work towards acceptance. The intertextuality of Donne’s sonnets assists Vivian in overcoming her fear of immanent death through the elusive power of renaissance literature. Be careful that you don't focus on the characters experiences - That verges into retell because you aren't considering the themes more broadly, as constructed/conveyed by the composer. Instead, it becomes a character/text focused affair. Avoid this. The line from Death, be not proud, “Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,” addresses death directly, the boldness of which serves to undermine deaths power. Technique? Misinterpreting this, Vivian believes that she can avoid her inevitable death, however, as a human, she is physically unable to survive such intense and dangerous rounds of chemo as seen by not only the physical, but the mental toll effecting who she is. You have slipped into retelling the plot - Careful! Vivian’s extensive intellect does not allow her to look past death, although she no longer understands the terminology which one defined her existence and is now able to interpret Donne’s poetry from a new perspective with the help of E.M Ashford, as seen in the line “Life, death… It’s a metaphysical conceit. It’s wit!” by Vivian, followed by “It’s not wit, miss Bearing, It’s truth.” Be sure you are attaching techniques to your quotes! Ashford assists Vivian to comprehend the inevitable truth of death, and the situationally ironic statement sees her previous attempt to camouflage herself with the illusion of intellectuality in order to beat death stripped back to base as she is now able to recognize both the limitations to her intellectuality and her capabilities as a human being. Bit too much in that sentence there. Both composers create a sophisticated, societal critique through which we as viewers are encouraged to question our understanding of the process of death and what it means to be human. This would have worked really well at the start of the paragraph. DBNP reveals that as humans, we cannot beat, yet should not be afraid of death through apostrophe within a hybridized sonnet whilst WIT show’s us this through alienation effect within a brechtian play. Again, even this is a nice link to text. These would be perfect sentences to kick off the paragraph. This process contributes to an enhanced understanding of what exactly it means to be human, this being the fact that one cannot beat death, and similar to the way in which Vivian Bearing cannot out wit John Donne. The ideas here are fantastic, but this "audience impact" should have been littered throughout your analysis in the paragraph for greatest effectiveness.

The idea of intellectuality becoming a barrier preventing redemption presents itself within the poetry of John Donne and has been enhanced by Edson within W;t through emphasizing the ever-present reality of the measuring of a life/soul on the plight for redemption and how this is a universal journey for all of humanity weather it be redemption with God, or redemption with a fellow human. Too long a sentence - I'd cut it in half! Allusion of the Drake passage within Donne’s Hymn to God is employed with the purpose of revealing his intellectual capability to poets within the society of the time. Nice reference to context, I'd like to see more of this. The line “That this is my south-west discovery,” references his ‘south-west discovery,’ meaning that he must go full-force to reach his redemption, similar to the way in which a boat must go full-force through the drake passage if it wishes to survive. However, his drive to prove himself intellectually becomes a barrier, preventing him from proving himself to God and therefore, preventing his redemption. A little bit on retell here - Avoid discussing what characters experience, think and feel - It should be beyond characters. Vivian faces an almost identical experience, particularly during the final stages of her battle with cancer as she seeks redemption with herself. Retell. Currently experiencing a lack of relationships within her life, it becomes evident to that her life had evolved around knowledge and academics rather than people resulting in her great career – but nobody to share it with. Retell. It is at this point that Vivian states “I’m scared. Oh God… I’m like a student and this is the final exam and I don’t know what to put down because I don’t understand the question and I’m running out of time.” Retell - You are just telling me what the character said, your marker has read the text, they know this! Here, Vivian’s sincere tone makes clear that her intellectuality has long been a barrier in regards to her relationships and has since become a barrier which stands between herself and redemption, enhancing my understanding of what it means to be human as I come to understand the balance which should exist between intellectuality and other aspects of life in order for one to reach their desired salvation. Make sure to have a distinct concluding statement separate to any analysis - And again, avoid personal pronouns

Love is a powerful human emotion which has the capability to overcome insensitive states of intellectuality and provide a sense of spiritual fulfillment and has been employed by both Donne and Edson as a means to soften a character which might otherwise remain emotionally void. I feel this would be better split into two sentences, the second one bringing in the two composers. Within Valediction, Donne highlights a new-found sense of spiritual fulfilment through astronomical conceit “Moving of Earth brings harms… trepidation of the spheres… innocent.” Here, Donne employs Ptolemy’s universe model to depict the power of celestial love on a person and it’s ability to transcend all physical barriers. Excellent, you've got a contextual reference here, I'd like to see a more obvious technique though (perhaps say "alludes to Ptolemy's"...) Through highlighting the importance of emotion on the human state, Donne hereby deepens my understanding of what it means to be human, and this has then been greatly enhanced by Edson’s exploration of a similar situation within the life of Vivian Bearing. Avoid saying "my," keep things academic. Edson depicts that the genuine interaction of Susie with Vivian serves to prevent the medical objectification of Vivian as “a specimen jar.” A little bit retell, but the technique is good - What does the medical objectification of the character show the audience about love? Consequently, Vivian abandons all sense for heartfelt emotional change as she depicts the impotence of her literary vigor against the torturous medical procedures she must endure. Retell, see how you are just describing character experiences? Through the symbolism of the popsicle in conjunction with Susies soothing tone “I know, it hurts. I know, It’s alright,” It is through the love shown to Vivian by Susie that she is then able to break through her intellectual disguise, allowing her to cope with the severity of her situation. Be sure that all techniques are attributed to the composer, not a character! This exploration of love within both texts has assisted me to understand that love is a universal human emotion, and one that has the capability to overcome all physical barriers.

Both Donne and Edson explore the limitations of academia on the significance of both human emotion and capability, and the plight for freedom. It is through the exploration of these central renaissance values that both authors have depicted the consequences that arise from being human, employing a number of universal themes and devices within their works which upon analysis, have contributed greatly to the shaping of my own personal response and the enhancement of my understanding regarding what exactly it means to be human.

My big over-arching comments:
- Fantastic writing style, very easy to follow what your train of thought and a logical progression of ideas. Besides a few sentences that are too long, excellent work there!
- Great concepts that link well to the texts and the question you've been given
- Your analysis is the big thing that needs work - You aren't using many techniques and are instead just sort of explaining what happens to the characters and linking it to the concept. You need to abstract, and say, "Donne uses this technique to portray this concept in this quote." Character focused description, even if everything is done well, is never as effective as more abstract, thematic consideration of the text.
- On a related note, ensure when you do use techniques, they are attributed to the composer. Saying "Susie's sincere tone," is a bit false, because Susie is a construction of the composer. A puppet. Everything is their doing

My comments throughout should cover the rest - I do think it was marked kindly, good on you for noticing that and wanting to improve it! It's a fantastic base that you can develop with some more effective analysis. Great work

[anotherworld2b]

Hi I've been trying to write a draft for a discursive essay. I tried to include what my teacher wanted to see in each paragraph.
I was hoping if someone could give me feedback on whether or not I am fulfilling what my teacher wants in terms of content.

Spoiler

Write an essay in which you discuss the values and attitudes that underpin this excerpt from Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space and the possible readings of that text. Use the ‘syllabus-arrowed’ notes and the ‘reading practices’ notes as a starting point for your discussion; comment on the language features that generate empathy or controversy; and conclude with an indication of whether, on balance, you approve or disapprove of Sagan’s perspective.

Inspired by the image of Voyager 1 on February 14, 1990, the excerpt of Carl Sagan’s book ‘Pale Blue Dot’ can be read as reflective of Sagan’s passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic and improve our world. Sagan’s academic, proselytising and scientific voice further encapsulates this perspective. It represents the view of avid scientists of the time as being in a state of intrigue and curiosity towards exploring the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In this excerpt Sagan explores various values and attitudes through the clever use of language features. However, the reader may have a resistant reading based on a differing socio-cultural context than Sagan himself.

Paragraph body #1
Discuss the values and attitudes that you believe underpin his perspective with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, Carl Sagan tries to underpin his passionate perspective towards how science can be fantastic in improving our world and fuel the thirst for knowledge beyond Earth through his values and attitudes. The pale blue dot described by Sagan represents Earth being ‘too small...sitting in a beam of light’. Sagan’s description of Earth being a pale blue dot underpins his perspective by inciting his readers to be receptive towards his perspective towards the exploration of the unknown by describing The Earth as a ‘very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’. It is significant that, while we see Sagan’s pro- science attitude, he also spends time is exploring the value of humility and a pro humanity attitude. Clearly, the pale blue dot, symbolic of Earth, has practical relevance to the way space research was often valued by Sagan as necessary because of what we could possibly learn and because of the possibility of extraterrestrial life in this extract.

Paragraph body # 2
Discuss the language features used by Sagan in generating empathy and/or controversy with supporting evidence from the text.
In this passage, the author tries to persuade readers that using vast amounts of money on space exploration is justifiable by the fact our lives, history and issues are insignificant when compared to the wide scope of potential space holds. The passage begins by using Earth as the central element of discussion in the extract. The passage uses the metaphor ‘The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena’  to enhance the reader's sense of isolation to what is being described and uses inclusive language - our tiny world - to create a sense of insignificance in the reader towards being on a tiny planet called Earth and lacking knowledge of what lies within space. The focus on our insignificance continues with the use of  sarcasm ‘as if there were some special significance to this small world’. The figurative language ‘ a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam’ is then used to further suggest the Earth’s relative insignificance, a theme developed throughout the piece. Having created a sense of insignificance and isolation amidst the vast galaxy, the passage then portrays space exploration in a positive light for what it reveals about our own world. The description of ‘astronomy’ being ‘a humbling and character-building experience’ is then used to suggest to the reader that space exploration is the best way to curb our sense of loneliness and insignificance by satisfying the craving for knowledge of the vast unknown. This makes space exploration seem inviting and exciting, generating empathy towards Sagan’s perspective. Thus the passage encourages its readers to feel a sense of receptiveness towards Sagan’s perspective towards space exploration being more valuable than our lives, history and issues.

Paragraph body #3
Discuss one alternative reading a reader can make of this text; such as a reading based on a historical/socio-cultural context or a reading based on religion or religious groups.
Published in 1994, American author and science communicator Carl Sagan’s ‘Pale blue Dot’ can be read as a scientist’s endeavour to encourage support towards space exploration. The text was created in an era of space exploration, an era when space exploration had its hits and misses, when some were questioning various countries’ involvement in space exploration when money could have been re-directed to social issues like poverty, employment and education. Derived from this a resistant reading might be that the vast amounts of money spent on space exploration could help eradicate hunger and suffering here on Earth. Space research is often valued as necessary because of what we learn and because of the possibility of other life out there. All indications so far, however, suggest that there is nothing like human or animal life out there, so where is the justification for the continuing expenditure? Furthermore, an alternative reading of ‘Pale blue dot’ can be seen as sad by the fact billions would need to be spent  on space research while thousands of people are suffering from poverty. A starving peasant does not need a photo from Saturn to be reminded that poverty is an issue on Earth. It instead confronts them with the government’s grandeur expenditure on needless things like space exploration rather than pressing issues on Earth. Thus an alternative reading a reader can make of this extract is that space exploration is not necessary and in a sense redundant when thousands of people are suffering from poverty and hunger on Earth.

[mohanedibrahim1]

Hi there, is essay writing the best way to practice for the English trials exams, and my biggest weakness is short answers at the moment i also love some tips on how to perform well for short answers thanks.

[otto.khoo]

Hi! Just wondering if I could get some feedback for this essay

Spoiler

Module A: Intertextual Perspectives
The Prince by Machiavelli and Julius Caesar by Shakespeare

Texts are significantly influenced by the political backdrop and social context in which they are produced. Through the manipulation of textual forms and devices, writers are enabled to endorse, and impress upon a reader their political ideologies and outlook on the world in which they live. A comparative reading of two texts whose values arise from disparate contexts, leads us to an understanding of not only how societies and their values change overtime, but also how they have remained the same. Both Machiavelli’s political treatise The Prince (1513) and Shakespeare’s dramatic tragedy Julius Caesar (1599) delve into the capillaries of power, examining the means in which political leaders of their time have come to the throne – through bloodthirsty violence and blatant manipulation of the populace.

Those who seek power are predestined to be conflicted between personal ambition and moral integrity. Written at the end of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, Julius Caesar can be seen as an examination of late Elizabethan society, through the context of the 44BC Roman Republic. Having produced no heirs, the populace feared that the death of Queen Elizabeth would spark political chaos and war. Caesar, portrayed as a “fierce fiery warrior” - conjures up Elizabeth’s reputation as being strong and courageous. Yet Shakespeare also acknowledges that regardless of Elizabeth’s likeability, even she came to power through violent means. Like Caesar who rose “in triumph over Pompey’s blood”, Elizabeth had her archrival Mary, Queen of Scots imprisoned and executed. In drawing these similarities, Shakespeare demonstrates the universal, perennial nature of his concerns that can be applied to any context; those who seek power have to compromise their sense of love, compassion and morality.

This moral dilemma is also demonstrated through the character of Brutus, who is morally conflicted by acting in the name of honour and murdering his best friend. Shakespeare uses a soliloquy to delve into Brutus’ fractured psyche, writing “Poor Brutus” is “with himself at war”. Shakespeare’s use of illeism, and the metaphorical abstraction of Brutus’s inner conflict as a war, subverts the nature of the potential violence that Brutus intends to inflict, instead sympathising an audience with the war occurring within. At the funeral oration, Antony declares that Brutus was indeed “an honourable man” who truly believed he was acting in the public’s best interest. However, through the anaphoric repetition of the line “Brutus was an honourable man”, and expressions of sorrow for Caesar, Antony’s speech has a paradoxical effect in turning the masses against Brutus. When the desire for honour and pursuit of ambition overrides an individual’s sense of love, compassion and morality, it becomes self- defeating, to the point of becoming a fatal flaw.

While Shakespeare’s play provides a cautionary tale for the common man about the consequences of pursuing ambition, The Prince appears in contrast to be a chillingly pragmatic instruction manual for despots. Despite both being products of Renaissance thinking, these variances were largely due to their contrasting audiences and contexts. Having been dismissed from parliament, Machiavelli wrote The Prince as a way of winning favour from the Medici family, the main political forces in Florence, by impressing them with his political insight. In the opening letter, he instructs Medici to first and foremost “follow in the footsteps of great men”, by aiming high in order to “reach their target”. Using authoritative, simple language and the metaphor of an archer, Machiavelli sets up the didactic tone of the treatise, which contrasts with the text’s confronting endorsement of immoral behaviour. Machiavelli comes to the realisation that although leaders and politics were meant to be virtuous, and serve the populace, this was rarely the situation. Coming to the realisation that “how we live is so different from how we ought to live”, Machiavelli shares Shakespeare’s insight into the discord of politics and morality. However, unlike Shakespeare, The Prince appears instead, to promote lying, scheming and killing in order to achieve pragmatic political ends - stating outright that for a leader “It is Better To Be Feared Than Loved”.

Machiavelli demonstrates the vitality of cruelty in governing a state, through references to Cesare Borgia, who he deems an effective leader. Borgia was considered cruel and tyrannous, which allowed him to reconcile the Romagna, unify it, and restore it to peace and loyalty. Machiavelli saw violence and cruelty as a necessary precaution for unforeseeable circumstances outlining that “Fortune is a woman and it is necessary to beat and coerce her”. Through this metaphorical analogy to the forceful treatment of women, Machiavelli highlights the necessity of being tyrannous in obtaining power. In The Prince, Machiavelli profiles Cesare Borgia, to show how ultimately tyrannous ruling prevails beyond all idealistic measures In contrast, Shakespeare critiques the bloodthirsty nature of power, presenting a character who’s fallen from grace, due to his loss of morality. Both writers share insights into the nature of power, they differ markedly in the conclusions that they draw from the same.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler

[otto.khoo]

This is my Module B Essay- would appreciate some feedback

Module B: Critical Study of Texts
In the Skin of a Lion by Michael Ondaatje

The methods by which ideas are conveyed can perform both a complementary and emulative role to the idea itself, in the representation of key values and perspectives. In works that display textual integrity, form, structure and language are inextricably linked, working in unison to convey meaning to an audience. Ondaatje’s post- colonial novel In the Skin of a Lion (1987) uses the power of storytelling to tell the untold stories of the immigrants who were integral to the construction of industrialised Toronto in the early 20th century. His poetic control of language, metafictional use of archival evidence and deceptive fragmentary structure creates a desire within the reader to search for coherence and interpret their own meaning of the text. By steering his audience away from a singular unified perspective, Ondaatje engages readers to think critically, achieving a strong and intensely personal impact – thus exhibiting textual integrity.

Ondaatje’s postmodern, metafictional style of writing, not only motivates an active engagement with his audience, but also simulates the constructed nature of history. Ondaatje argues that official history often fails to recognise the oppressed and the marginalised – those who survive on the outskirts of society are remarkably absent from the grand narrative. The novel seeks to provide an alternative, multi- faceted view of the world rehabilitating the forgotten voices - a counter history. Embracing cubist principles, Ondaatje cradles a plethora of perspectives in the creation of meaning. Quoting John Berger in the foreword, “Never again will a story be told as though it were the only one”; Ondaatje’s novel promotes critical thinking beyond the conventional, the mainstream, and the unified. He reaffirms that “there is order”, but it is “very faint, very human” – suggesting the audience’s active role as not only reader, but also responder, in the conjecture of meaning.

This process of finding order is also suggested in the text’s structure that uses a framing narrative, taking the form of a story “a young girl gathers in a car during the early hours of the morning”. The text’s non-linearity and frequent digression from the plot represent an individual’s piecing together of memories - as if a jigsaw. However, the fragmentary structure can also be interpreted as a demonstration of the constructed nature of history, and the notion of society as being mediated. Ondaatje refers to the process of photography as a microcosm for history: “In a tunnel under Lake Ontario, two men shake hands on an incline of mud / For a moment while the film receives the image, everything is still, the other tunnel workers silent. Then Arthur Goss, the city photographer packs up his tripod and glass plates, unhooks the cord of lights / and climbs out into sunlight.” Posing, artificial lighting and an official “photographer”, are all parts of the official documentation process that interfere with perceptions of reality. In the same way that a photo is staged, Ondaatje argues that history is moderated to provide a singular viewpoint and leave out all others. Through the consideration of structure and language, Ondaatje deconstructs the oppressive nature of society and history, embracing humanity and constructing an alternate version of history.
 
Ondaatje also manipulates form and language to demonstrate the dichotomy of capitalist leaders and lower class labourers. The repeated metonym “the rich and the starving” highlights the significant divide between the two classes - starving being “synonymous” for poor. As critic Lee Spinks mentions “The immigrant body too often finds itself excluded from the space of the culture that it helped make possible” -separated by barriers of language, culture and wealth. Ondaatje acknowledges the anonymity and segregation of the immigration from society, through the literal dehumanisation of the labourers: “A man is an extension of hammer, drill, flame”. Through the cumulative listing of various tools, Ondaatje creates a nightmarish vision of powerless men who have been lost within the scale and scope of the project, and have transformed into parts of the infrastructure itself. He describes their brutal and unhygienic working conditions, “pissing where they work, eating where someone else left shit”- emphasizing how they’ve been stripped of all dignity and humanity.

However Ondaatje also illustrates the beauty, and selfless nature of their work. He profiles characters such as Patrick, who has grown up feeling isolated from society, and Nicholas Temelcoff who “performs the most dangerous work” and is “happiest at daily chores”. Through the analogy, “He [Temelcoff] knows his position in the air as if he is mercury slipping across a map,” Ondaatje forms a graceful and selfless depiction of a man who has been exploited because of language. Temelcoff’s character starkly contrasts with the antagonist Commissioner Harris, who he observes wears an “expensive tweed coat costs more than the worker’s monthly salaries combined”. Paying the workers as little as a dollar, Harris receives all the recognition for building infrastructures such as a the Bloor Street Viaduct and the Palace of Purification. Based upon real town projects, Ondaatje sought out Toronto’s archives for inspiration for his novel only to find large gaps in the historical records. He professes: “The articles and illustrations found in the Riverdale Library depicted every detail about the soil, the wood, the weight of concrete, everything but information on those who actually built the bridge”. Ondaatje seeks to fill in these gaps, populating the novel with fictional figures and stories, giving a voice to the thousands of immigrant workers who weren’t previously permitted one. Through the metafictional references to authentic historical events, Ondaatje spurs audiences to come to their own realisation about the gaps in the documentation and challenge their perceptions of history.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi there, is essay writing the best way to practice for the English trials exams, and my biggest weakness is short answers at the moment i also love some tips on how to perform well for short answers thanks.

Hey! I would say essay writing is definitely best for preparing for English exams, nothing beats practice!

Short answers is a tricky one - Again, practice is the best way to prepare!! Check out this link for a bunch of Trial papers, I'd be writing sample responses and getting feedback on how to improve!

[jamonwindeyer]

This is my Module B Essay- would appreciate some feedback

Hey Otto! Thanks for posting your essay, our essay marking rules require you to have 25 posts per response you'd like marked, just to make sure the markers can keep up. If you hang around the site for a while that will build up in no time!

[pikachu975]

Hi, we had an essay question for mod C in our trial and I got 16/20, just wondering where to improve based on the feedback which will be written at the end.

Spoiler

Question: The actions of dominant individuals affect the lives of others in society. Evaluate this statement with direct reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The inherent relationship between representation and meaning is utilised by composers to foreground the dehumanising effects of dominant individuals on society. This is accentuated by Aldous Huxley's 1932 satirical prose fiction, Brave New World, which depicts his perspective of the loss of emotion and individuality due to a goal for uniformity and stability by the world controllers. Comparatively, Takuya Okada's 2011 animated short film, CHILDREN, represents the academic expectations of an education system which dehumanises students in order to attain uniformity and stability. Thus, both composers foreground their own depictions and perspectives of the abuse of power by dominant individuals in dehumanising society and stripping them of freedom.

The suppression of emotion and individuality by dominant individuals results in a society that is lacking individuality and is dehumanised. Such is true of Huxley's dystopian depiction as he portrays the abuse of genetic engineering in order to achieve the political agenda of the world controllers; uniformity and stability. This is showcased by Huxley's use of scientific jargon with the "Bokanovsky process" and "Podsnap's technique" for producing "millions of identical twins". This process produces "ninety-six identical twins working ninety-six identical machines", whereby the repetition of the number and word 'identical' portray the extensive uniformity enforced on society by powerful controllers. Further, Huxley predicted the "inevitable acceleration of American domination" in response to the 1920s industrialisation boom, which is strongly represented in his satire. In addition, he represents society in Brave New World as dehumanised as "the human maggots gathered around Linda's bed of death". This conveys the removal of humanity of society any and hence, foregrounds the detrimental effect of forced uniformity by world controllers to achieve stability. Thus, Huxley uses particular language forms and features to employ his own representation of the dehumanisation of society by dominant individuals for their political agenda.

Comparatively, Okada depicts the role of dominant individuals in suppressing emotion and free will through the education system's academic expectations. This is foregrounded as he uses a gloomy, dull colour scheme and atmosphere, joined with monotonous, sorrowful music. This is combined with the zippers locking students' mouths and unnatural clapping of the teachers. This choice of iconography by Okada reveals the uniformity instilled in society by dominant individuals and also the lack of emotion evident in both teachers and students. Near the end, the boy sees a dog and they run to each other but are hit by a train. Okada represents this train as a metaphor for powerful individuals as they stop the stdent from forming relationships with the dog and thereby suppress emotion from society. The student initially appears dead until he laughs, whereby the irony with laughing conveys the uncertainty of how to act due to being a first experience of emotion and humanity. Therefore, both composers depict their perspectives of controlling individuals suppressing emotion through uniformity, hence dehumanising society.

The unbridled power exerted by individuals leads to stability being forced upon society, thereby suppressing freedom of thought and free will. Huxley emphasises this through the parody of "Oh, Ford" instead of "Oh, God" and "A.F. 632" rather than A.D. This subversion of traditional conventions, portrays the dominance of the controllers as Huxley represents their removal of religion in order to enforce stability. Further, the solidarity service is another satire by Huxley as they "made the sign of the T" and use "soma tablets" instead of bread, and "cups of strawberry icecream soma" rather than blood of Christ. Huxley's use of this foregrounds the diminishing of religious influence for "community, identity, stability" as a real being of Ford removes debate over a mystical religious system based on beliefs. Such is furthered (comment - a faulty phrase, use "This is strengthened") by Mustapha Mond's subversion of Christian marriage. Instead of "What God hath joined, let not man put asunder" (Mt 16:9), Huxley uses "What man has joined, nature is powerless to asunder", thereby conveying the removal of marriage which thus ensues the lack of children, enforcing stability. Thus, Huxley's removal of religious influence by dominant controllers reveals to audiences the stability and hence, lack of freedom for society.

In comparison, Okada presents his own perspective of stability enforced on society through dominant individuals employing the education system. Okada chooses an establishing shot with monochromatic colour, representing the stability and uniformity instilled in society as there is no other colour. In addition, the breaking of the zippers of the students and the shattering of the glass through diegetic sound, conveys the overthrowing of the education system. However, the students all do this in a uniform manner and thereby exemplifies the lasting effect of dominant individuals in enforcing stability through uniformity. This perspective of Okada is developed as the dog is revealed; its solid black colour contrasting the lack of solid colours and lines of society. It acts as a vehicle of hope as Okada portrays it running away after the student is hit, portraying a propagation of the student's freedom to the rest of society. The employment of a death by Okada construes the profound impact on society as they go to extreme measures to gain freedom. Hence, both composers represent their perspective on stability being enforced through different methods, enhancing the audience's understanding of the abuse of power on society.

Ultimately, both Huxley and Okada extensively utilise specific literary and cinematic techniques to portray their perspectives on the abuse of power. Thus, the relationship between representation and meaning is accentuated by both texts to represent the dehumanisation and lack of freedom of society.

Main feedback: Your response requires a more insightful/skilful evaluation of both texts' representation to obtain a higher grade.
Also there was some comments scattered around such as "dialogue from related?" but it was a short film with no speaking.

Thanks for any help!

Sorry if this has been seen, but just going to bump it in case it's been missed, thanks again!

[jamonwindeyer]

Sorry if this has been seen, but just going to bump it in case it's been missed, thanks again!

It has been seen expect a bit of a delay with the lectures on this week!