English Standard Essay Marking

[tahmina]

hii, can someone have a look at my distinctive visual module A please

question _ how does distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

plesse let me know if there is any improvements i should make !

[jamonwindeyer]

would you also be able to give it a mark out of 15. i know it won't be the best essay but i just need to improve ... thank you heaps !

All marked on that thread Tahmina!!  I hope it helps! I'll get to your most recent one in this thread tomorrow! 

[jamonwindeyer]

hii, can someone have a look at my distinctive visual module A please

question _ how does distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

plesse let me know if there is any improvements i should make !

Hey Tahmina! I'd be happy to have a look at your essay, it is attached below with feedback in bold 

Spoiler

How do distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

Distinctive visual images can foster emotional responses and empathy from the responder by bringing the experiences of others to life. Nice Thesis, but I'd like to see a little more depth. Add a sentence fleshing this out a little more. Things to consider: Why do visual images foster emotional responses and empathy? Does it depend on context? Any other details you wish to mention? Ang lee’s film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon uses distinctive visuals to encourage the responder to experience the challenging notion of relationships and power through a combination of quiet dramatic martial arts sequences. Ensure the composer's first and last names are capitalised. Amin Greder’s picture book The Island visually explores the ideas of appearance and reality, and explores the notion of xenophobia, which causes barriers to the acceptance of outsiders in society. Both composers use highly effective distinctive visuals to capture the audience’s attention as well provide insights into the individuals and the world around them. Fantastic introduction! Room for expansion, and I'd like to see a run-down of the sorts of things you'll be discussing later, but on the whole this works really well and answers the question directly!

Through vibrant martial arts sequences, crouching tiger hidden dragons allows the audience to further engage with the momentum of the plot. This introduction doesn't relate to your Thesis (well, it sort of does hint at it, but it needs to be much more direct). Ensure every paragraph is linked to your Thesis and/or the question right from the start. The audience’s visualisation of the main characters, shu lien and jen at the training house are manifested through the incorporation of projected visuals, which conveys Lee’s idea of their friendship. The scene begins with a long a shot, giving the audience to capture the moments before the fight juxtaposed with a bird’s eye view articulates the intense atmosphere of characters. Nice use of techniques so far, but I'm feeling like you are just retelling the sequence. Remember to connect to the empathy of the audience, especially important for you since it is the basis of your response. The intense visual of their foot traces and weapon clashes employs a sense of intensity highlighting the fear and tension of the characters faces. The audience is able to observe the characters importance through a low angle shot making the scene critical. Better, more references to the audience like this! Lee’s martial arts portrays the characters personality, the motion of Jen is very frantic and sharp which is reminiscent or her fear and personality. However shu liens movements flow together, which indicates her positive human nature. This symbolically enhances the audience’s knowledge of the characters, while it builds up tension of the martial art sequence. It is through the facial expression and physical appearance of Jen and shu lien in the scene, where there friendship is scene to be a mystery, thus creates an authentic and poignant atmosphere to Lee’s plot. By doing this lee effectively utilizes distinctive visual techniques through relationships to bring the experiences of others to life. Nice conclusion. However, you haven't really made this as evident in your paragraph as possible. I feel like it is a bit of a mishmash of techniques and ideas; and part of this is because you haven't set up a conceptual focus. I'd like to see you hone in on a specific type of experience, or even emotion, then explore how THIS is brought to life through the composers techniques.

Armin Greder’s illustrative techniques compel the responder to envision the hardships and struggles of an outsider. Nice! I'd still like to see a more conceptual start, just the concept, before you introduce the text, but this concept relates to your Thesis more closely. The responder is able to quickly envision the protagonist alienating himself, giving a vast idea of loneliness. Through the xenophobic society of islanders the effective symbolism of the undesirable atmosphere creates a vivid image of the protagonist being constantly alone. The cover page depicts a scene at the sea as the whole distinctive image is washed with dark blue repressing the warmth ocean and the shallow waves conveying a menacing journey has taken place. Perhaps a slight issue with expression in that sentence, read it back to yourself and see what you think? The visual of the boat at the bottom of the page blends with the rest of the image altering the perspective of the image as the responder is now being positioned with the protagonist. This allows the audience to immediately view the confronting effects of isolation and maintain this image throughout the depiction of the book. On the following page greder’s illustration of the protagonist from a high angle along with the dark mystic colors leaves the audience in a dull emotion, as it symbolizes the protagonists social exclusion. The creative illustrations being portrayed small on the page conveys the distance and insignificance between the character and the world around him. The responder is able to visualize a refuge through the symbolism of the provocative visuals. This positions the responder to view his perspective of life within their imagination and successfully conveying this viewpoint that life, as an outsider is miserable. Greder uses authentic visual techniques that shape meaning, and brings the experiences of others to life. This paragraph is definitely much more effective with the audience impact than your first, though you could still go into more detail with this audience impact (consider things such as the impact of context, consider more specifically the impact of each technique). This paragraph also has some expression issues, sentences felt very long and directionless in places which made it hard to access as a marker. Going back, reading through, tidying up, and repeating this process would do a lot for the clarity of your ideas. Reading the essay out loud to a friend is a great way to see where the issues lie.

The green destiny sword is in crouching tiger hidden dragon is distinctively used as a highly powerful symbol. You should try and set up what concept you will be discussing in this paragraph first (EG - Composers use distinctive symbols in order to accentuate their exploration of experience, blah blah blah).  The 400-year old sword creates an effective image of ancient culture, creating a more dramatic realization to the effects of ancient china. The sword is a representation of the female mystery as this creates a replica of women being in power, developing a more extensive response upon the audience’s perspective of reality. Nice analysis of the symbol, good inclusion of audience. Lee articulates a strong bond between li mu bai and the green destiny sword making it reminiscent of his personal identity along with his reputation in society. Lees use of the sword in martial arts is often seen as an extension of oneself, the melancholy music of the erhu and cello combined with the panning shots of the birds eye view of li mu Bais fluid dance implies to his identity being intrinsically linked with the sword. Starting to see some more expression issues here, I think your sentences might be flowing a tad long? Lee effectively reflects his powerful yet emotion bond with the sword. Lee successfully conveys the power of the sword through the intense visual of Jen stealing the sword. Technique? Underlying her jealous and underhanded personality. This allows the audience to envision her lack of connection with the sword, which portrays her desperate character. Lee effectively reflects upon her negative and constructive characteristic, leaving the audience in a tense atmosphere. ‘Its heart is pure’ shu liens states, highlights the significance of the sword through the personification. The audience is positioned in an awkward yet confusing position through a close up shot of Jens face evaluating the innocence behind her evil. Through the powerful symbol of the sword lee impacts the audience’s self-awareness and leaves them in a distressing atmosphere. This paragraph works well, but again some expression issues keep me from accessing it fully, and I still believe you are relying slightly too heavily on recounting the text.

Greder utilizes his highly skilled illustrative techniques to show the protagonists lack of importance in society. Greder illustrates the society ‘big, outlined in silhouette and dark shades, creating their physical presence to be intimidating. Technique? The audience is now able to envision their attitudes towards the outsider being prejudiced and hostile. The use of weapons is symbolic of society’s envisioned power, along with the vectors pointing directly at the outsider allows the responder to apply notions of universal issues, particularly migrant experiences. I'd like to see you delve into this idea of universal issues a little more! Greder positions the words underneath to demand the attention from the protagonist’s absence, positioning the responder in a confused manner. The words are significant of the lack of importance of the outsider. On the following page Greder use’s irony to portray the protagonist as an outcast to society, as it is utilised with the use of size differences, dark and harsh colour. Greder’s Irony is seen through the outcast being represented light and small, effectively evaluating the purification of the protagonists creating this envision of his innocence and bringing the human experiences to life. Despite the size differences it visually empowers the outsider being projected inadequately within the acceptance in society, leaving the responder in a emotional and intense situation. ‘They took him’ implies to that the protagonist is unimportant, distinctively illustrating society’s social norms and values Greder’s uses highly understandable visuals to represent the protagonist being displayed as outsider, making the responder connect with the hardships by bringing the experiences of others to life.

In conclusion, both composers employ the use of distinctive visuals to elaborate how characters go through life experiences as well capture the audience’s attention throughout the texts. Through relationships, power and the appearance of reality, the composers bring the distinctive visuals to life making its responders comprehend on life experiences. Great conclusion! Though perhaps a little short, try and flesh out the ideas you've been talking about a little more!

This is a really great essay Tahmina!! Your introduction is fantastic (love the premise of your Thesis) and sets up your response really well, the question is answered immediately, which is fantastic. By linking to the question immediately, as a marker I go "Okay, she's on track, let's get into this." instead of "Uh oh, I have a bad feeling." Great work!

You have great textual knowledge as shown by a multitude of effective textual references. At times you rely on the texts plot slightly too much (read on), but you clearly know your stuff. And you use a variety of techniques, thus showing that you've considered all aspects of how distinctive visuals can be created. This is made all the better by the differing forms of your texts. Awesome stuff.

Your structure for the most part is also organised and well divided. Again, fantastic Thesis, and a nice and punchy conclusion. You also re-link to the question with every conclusion, which makes it impossible as a marker to think that you have gone off track. You are where you need to be, so great work there.

I think there are two main adjustments you could make to your essay to improve the quality. The first would be adjusting for topic sentences. I think that the topic being "experiences" is quite broad, and as a result, your paragraphs and analysis feel very mixed up and convoluted at times, purely because there is no clear direction. I'd love to see you try and devote paragraphs to specific types of experiences or human emotion, just to give them something to focus on, similar to what you did in Paragraph 2. This will give you something to "hone in" on in your paragraphs, keep everything driven behind a single concept/idea, that still backs up the main Thesis.

Secondly (and I think applying the prior change will help this too), I found your essay difficult to access at times. The sentences were a tad long and at times had issues with expression. This is not a huge issue, but it means the marker needs to work harder to understand you, which we don't want for a HSC Marker who is already annoyed and has their kids screaming in the background! Try to make their lives easier. Make some edits (with the help of a friend, read it to them!) to adjust expression in any place where they are unsure about what you mean. This will assist the marker in accessing your ideas.

I would also say that you are relying too heavily on plot retell. At times I'd like to see you step away from the TEXT and focus instead on the COMPOSER'S CHOICES within the text. So, instead of, "This technique was in the text and this shows us blah.", going with, "The composer uses this technique in the text to show the audience blah."

This is a subtle change, and one that I actually think will come implicitly with some expression adjustments, but taking this approach will vastly reduce the amount of textual retell, and shift you to a more conceptual, sophisticated style of response.

I hope this feedback helps Tahmina! Definitely ask me if you need any clarification, and I'd love to give some more feedback after you spend some time adjusting the work! 

[tahmina]

thank you heaps, it means a lot to be able to get thorough feedback ! if you were to give a mark out of 20 what would you give, so i have a rough idea !

[jamonwindeyer]

thank you heaps, it means a lot to be able to get thorough feedback ! if you were to give a mark out of 20 what would you give, so i have a rough idea !

Not a problem at all! 

Hmm, well I don't have the entire question. In the HSC, it will have a statement referencing how many texts you need to refer to, and to what extent you need to compare them: You haven't done much direct, explicit comparison between the texts (this would be another avenue of improvement down the track!)

That said, I'd say your text references are great, and your explanation of experiences is pretty great too. Your expression and organisation of ideas would need a bit of work to make the first two things really pop. I'd be saying somewhere in the range of 14 out of 20, but of course, take that with many many large grains of salt 

[tahmina]

would  you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

[jamonwindeyer]

would  you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

Sure! Expect it by the end of the day 

[jamonwindeyer]

would  you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

Hey! So, it wasn't the end of the day, but it was the end of my day  aha, feedback is attached in bold throughout as usual!

Spoiler

As individuals progress through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. This progression not only develops the individual but also helps us gain a deeper understanding of what means to be human, flawed but capable of great things. Great Thesis; I don't have the question, but be sure to make sure this addresses it directly! This concept if evident in j.c burkes 2005 novel ‘The Story Of Tom Brenan’ and 1993 film ‘ what’s eating gilbert grape by Lasse Hallstrom. Ensure titles are properly capitalised. Both composers employ key textual devices to explore notions of conflict and relationships through the process transition, enabling the responder to gain a deeper understanding of the human complexities on what it means to be human. This last sentence might need a little fixing, "human complexities on what it means to be human" doesn't quite make sense. Besides this, a solid introduction! Would like to see you take a bit more time to flesh out ideas a little more as well.

In order to transition through life stages, people often need to face up to serious challenges. The story of Tom Brennan is a bildungsroman’s text, which contains an individual’s growth and development. When introducing the text, you should definitely mention the composer, especially in Module C which focuses on the composers representational choices. In the prologue, the sibilance of ‘sounds of our feet shuffling’ linked to near dawn implies a sense of guilt as the Brennan family try to virtually disappear into the silent night. The metaphor of ‘near dawn’ exemplifies the precise timing of 4.30 on Friday, which reinforces this concept of sacrifice of the status quo. Followed by the metaphor and repetition of ‘down, down we glided in silence’ symbolising the decline of the family’s reputation in society. I'm liking the technique/explanation pattern here, but I'm missing the links to the composer. Remember we are looking at the choices made by the composer which create meaning around, in this case, serious life challenges. Thus, you must mention the composer fairly frequently! This challenge of accepting the changed situation becomes an important aspect in tom’s life, which further helps us understand the process of progression leading into new phases in life. Ensure character names are capitalised. The negative word ‘ugly’ – referring to the hostile graffiti on the house walls - juxtaposed with ‘no longer wanted’ in ‘past the ugly words that told us we were no longer wanted’ projects the neighbours’ hostility towards the Brennan family, predicting the conflict faced by Tom and his family which forced them to seek new directions in life. Just to help you tidy things up, you can remove the full quote here; the two smaller chunks are sufficient! “This conflict is a challenge, which then turns into a positive outcome in tom’s life. Burkes emphasizes the experience of others by overcoming their challenges in order to progress in life, which then deepens the human understanding of self and others. A solid paragraph in its foundations, but its missing the fancy bits. The links to the composers desires and WHY they chose particular techniques. The effect on the audience, the influence of context.

Human relationships can often be an important catalyst in stimulating change and transition in an individuals life., Tom’s evolutionary transformation was with the help of uncle Brendon as they climb the ‘ascent’, a symbolic physical environment that represents tom’s transitions throughout the book. When Tom reflects ‘we’d reached the top of the ascent’ this revelation allows him to reflect his achievement and ability to conquer traumatic events in life. Technique? The metaphor of ‘mountains’ symbolizes a tangible nature of transformation and Tom’s capability to confront experiences beyond his control. Also evident in the capitalization ‘The Grandmother’ linked with the negative word ‘sucker’ in ‘I was the sucker who had to go with the grandmother’ highlights the discomfort faced by tom as his grandmother, an adult with power over him, forces him to regain his faith in God by pushing him to Church. We have slipped a little too much into retell here, I really don't need to know about the implications for the character, I want to know what I LEARN about how human relationships as a catalyst for change! Tom’s growth symbolizes the change in attitudes and beliefs that have been formed by perseverance and relationships to overcome the past; this also can be seen through Gilbert in the film ‘what’s eating gilbert grape’, which revolves around his transition with the help of the catalyst Becky. Nice, smooth link to the next text there. In reference to Becky’s dialogue ‘ what do you want for yourself’ along with the close up shot of Gilberts face, approaches him emotionally as he has never been asked about himself, a reminder to the audience about the reality of Gilberts situation. Followed by the long road symbolizing the emotional and heartfelt journey waiting for Gilbert and the experiences, which he needs to encounter to uphold his capabilities. The juxtaposition with the medium shot of the rose-coloured sunset gives insight of both characters experiences whilst a close up shot of gilberts face predicts he ‘smiles’ for the first time, reflecting his journey to be reminiscent of his changing values towards new directions in life. Missing a conclusion on this paragraph and the last one too!

As individuals mature in life they are often confronted by events beyond their control that comepls them to transform their inner self. Nice intro, but again missing a proper textual introduction! In the prologue of burkes novel we are alerted with the tangible nature of sentiments as toms states his dad ‘ closes the door for the last time’ eliciting a sense of sadness and heartfelt emotions, followed by the adjective ‘last’ highlights Tom’s inability to change his situation, but accepts the challenge and allows it to become a door to new worlds. Ensure composer names are capitalised (that sentence also is probably a tad long). The last line of inclusive pronoun of ‘we’ juxtaposed with the action of ‘swam’ connects the motif of water with the act of cleansing love finally recruiting Tom’s life with physical transition. The comparison configures the traumatising experiences tom has undergone to transition in life and allows the responder to reflect upon Tom’s complexities and the implications, which he conquered in order to venture into new events in life. Connecting to the responder here, very nice, but still not mentioning the composer. Also evident In ‘what’s eating gilbert grape’ where in the first scene the long shot of the road symbolises the exotic journey for gilbert's transformation, a chance to change and venture into new worlds.Try not to slip into retell by saying "in this scene, ___", just give me the technique and its effect! In comparison to the last scene the symbolic meaning of the ‘burning house’ is an event that represents cleansing change that leads to the rebirth of gilbert, allowing him to overpower barriers that enabled him to transition in life.  Juxtaposed with a close up shot of Gilberts face establishes his relief through his smile and configures the everlasting transformation of Gilberts explicit growth as an individual. Both composers use authentic techniques to give insight about the nuances of the individual’s challenges by helping us develop an understanding of self and others. Good job on concluding your paragraphs with a link to your Thesis.

The concept of transition involves changes in individuals as they move from one phase of their lives to another. Both composers have effectively employed the notion of conflict and relationship through the process of transition to further deepen the understanding of self and others. They were able to maintain a high level of authenticity throughout the texts, stimulating a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the underlying concept of what it means to be human.  Try not to talk about the texts in past tense (no "were"), but besides this, a punchy conclusion that works well!

Another excellent essay Tahmina! Again I'm super impressed with your introduction and conclusion, as well as the extremely detailed textual knowledge (for both texts). You are maintaining a Thesis very effectively in this essay, much more focused than the essay I marked earlier today 

To be honest, much of my feedback here would be a repeat of my feedback for your Module A essay (and I would place it in the same mark range). You are still relying a little too heavily on textual retell, too much "in this scene this happened and this shows this." I want to see a shift up in sophistication, "the composer uses this technique to show the audience this." The difference is subtle but powerful.

The expression in this essay was good, but not fantastic. I'd still like to see some tidy ups. Capitalisation, syntax and other issues are still taking away from the response, and you can definitely be more succinct at times.

Beyond this, I'd like to see you recognise the role of the composer a little more. Remember, all these techniques were chosen for a reason, take a step back and give the composer recognition instead of the characters. The characters are just puppets! I'd also like to see you include context a little more 

Another great start Tahmina, some polish will make this even better! 

[tahmina]

thank you heaps !!! i got 16 for this module :/ and this was the edited version after i got my feedback ! the thing is we never got taught to always link it back the 'composers' ideas !

[jamonwindeyer]

thank you heaps !!! i got 16 for this module :/ and this was the edited version after i got my feedback ! the thing is we never got taught to always link it back the 'composers' ideas !

Ahh there you go, I've been told I'm a tad harsh, perhaps I'm subconsciously marking for an Advanced Module not a Standard one, apologies  great job with that mark!!

Linking back to the composer is a subtle thing that they really push in Advanced, but it raises the sophistication substantially, definitely worth doing in either Standard or Advanced if it is something you can wrap your head around 

[hannahboardman98]

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can I just please have some general feedback as I don't have any major concerns other than if my structure is perfect! Thanks heaps.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can I just please have some general feedback as I don't have any major concerns other than if my structure is perfect! Thanks heaps.

Hey Hannah!! Sorry for the delay, Elyse and I have been managing a big marking backlog after the lectures this week, we're almost caught up I think!! 

Since you just want general feedback I'll make it more digestible for you and just pop a few comments after every paragraph. And yep, I'll pay special attention to structure 

Warning: Feedback in Progress
Nevermind: Feedback Complete

Spoiler

Discuss how the distinctively visual conveys distinctive experiences in The Shoe-Horn Sonata and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

War acts as a catalyst for producing horrors that create history.  The men and women who experienced the atrocities of war resulted with significant long term ordeals. John Misto’s provocative play “The Shoehorn Sonata” and Wilfred Owen’s confronting poem “Dulce et Decorum est” exhibit the horrors of war through the distinctively visual. Misto and Owen use an array of techniques that assist in the portrayal of the thematic concerns of human vulnerability, the atrocities of war and writing history. These qualities of the distinctively visual allow the audience to be drawn into the experience of the characters and those who suffered the tribulations of war. Both texts explore the veracity of memories where we, as the audience, learn that we can construct our past due to the fact that it is shaped by memories. The composers successfully convey the brutalities of war in order to confront the audience with the true realities that war creates. This is a great Thesis! Some slight expression issues at the beginning; be sure to read the whole thing over and listen for things that don't sound quite right. In terms of structure, you've listed the themes you'll be discussing, this works really well. The sentence where you mention the audience "constructing their past" feels just a little out of place, not 100% sure how it fits with the greater argument.

Human vulnerability is conveyed through the distinctively visual where it displays one’s subjective view on their experiences through history. War depletes an individual’s strength to overcome adversity due to the horrific consequences it creates where one’s vitality is diminished. Misto decided to write the play “The Shoehorn Sonata” as a tribute to the women of the Prisoners of War and allow for society to understand the true horrors behind World War II. At the beginning of scene 1, the audience is confronted with an image of Bridie re-enacting the kowtow; a tribute to the emperor of Japan. The stage directions ‘Bridie stands in a spotlight. She bows stiffly from the waist, and remains in this position’ allow the viewers to distinctively visualise how the composer wishes it to be performed. This demonstrates the severe discipline expected by the Japanese and thereby accentuating the susceptibility their prisoners were compelled into. Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of the soldiers where the audience envisions ragged, spent men. This phrase creates connotations that exhort feelings of sympathy due to the use of ‘beggars’ that produce sadness and vulnerability within themselves as beggars were frowned upon during the context of the poem (1914-1918). However, within “The Shoe-horn Sonata”, Misto uses the shoehorn as a symbol of the women’s strength and will. This is evident in the last scene of Act 2, Sheila reveals her endeavour to exchange the shoehorn for quinine to save Bridie’s life. The shoehorn acts as a motif throughout the play where Misto uses it to symbolise the women’s survival. Both texts explore the effects of war and how the men and women’s strength was soon depleted by the power of the war instigators. Wow, great paragraph!! Structurally really great, flows nicely, I'd add "Thus" to the start of your conclusion, just to make it feel a little more definitive. Analysis is powerful, though perhaps slightly shifting to retell in places. Essentially, any explanation of where the technique occurs or anything similar about the plot is unnecessary, so watch that. Excellent integration of the audience impact, great use of technique, and expression on the whole is solid (though it could be a little more succinct if you wanted it to be). Awesome!

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Those who went to war suffered major atrocities that affected them both physically and psychologically. Misto uses photographic images throughout the play to unfold the true conditions of war. The stage directions in scene 5 ‘women in Japanese camps lining up for food, sleeping in barracks, carrying water’ allow the reader to envisage the projected images vividly. This enables them to empathise with the women as they are reminded that it is a fictional play based on real events. These photographs also demonstrate the filthy environment they suffered during their imprisonment; highlighting the pain and anguish they experienced during the war. The roaring diagetic sounds of machine gun fire and the cries of women enhance this experience as it creates sorrowful visuals of Japanese officers torturing innocent women; portraying the dismays they endured. This is also reflected in “Dulce et Decorum est” where the poet exposes the audience to the terrors of war through his choice of language. Owen’s use of repetition and exclamation marks in the first line of the second stanza ‘Gas! Gas! Quick boys!’ creates alarm and emphasis on those particular words. Owen specifically uses grammatical features to highlight the intense and lethal aspects of war, therefore confronting the audience with the truth of war. The dialogue of Sheila enables the audience to gain insight into the horrific experiences she endured at war. The simile describing the Giang Bee singing ‘It lay there like a wounded animal, spilling oil instead of blood’ displays an image of the ship from Sheila’s perspective. The audience is forced to envision Sheila swimming in freezing water, now filled with oil, sympathising with her. Hence, it is clear that the women suffered various atrocities at war, and Misto created a play that allowed the audience to share this experience with them; exposing them to the barbaric nature of war. The distinctively visual, in both texts, effectively conveys the distressing experiences of their lives during the epoch of war. Another great paragraph!! All your marks hit, this one REALLY answers the question super well, even better than the first. Consistently powerful analysis and links to the distinctively visual in the context of audience impact, very nice job! My only comment would be on expression, in places it could be tidied slightly, the same thing said in less words, but on the whole this is fantastic.

History relies on the memory of those who were participants. The distinctively visual experience is amplified through the combination of history and memory. “The Shoehorn Sonata” explores the memories of Sheila and Bridie and how they were a part of war history. Scene 13 exhibits the Japs desire to sustain history as a secret; protecting their empire. The dramatic irony of Bridie’s dialogue ‘We thought if the Japs ever murdered us all, some of our scribbling might be found one day’ is that she is now telling her story to the world. This subjective view of Bridie creates an intriguing atmosphere from the audience as they become engrossed within the play due to the fact that Bridie actually experienced the suffering she explains. Owen also demonstrates the brutal history of war through his point of view. Emotive language is used to express the sadness and disgust of war in order to portray the true history of what occurred during that particular time frame. Owen articulates his memories in ‘As under a green sea, I saw him drowning’, presenting the confronting imagery of thick green gas. Through the use of first person and ‘saw’, the effect of the phrase is enhanced as the reader envisages the picture from their own perspective, therefore, visibly understanding the history of WW1. Misto used music both as a motif and a pivotal technique to express how it assisted the women to escape the barbaric nature of war. Misto uses soundtracks from the period of their captivity to convey the flavour of the time, creating an authentic sense of history and it also reflects the emotion of the characters. At the beginning of scene 3, the soundtrack of “Something to Remember You By” produces a melancholy mood that supports the context/story of the play. The audience become immersed within the history of the play as Misto presents the authentic music and the women to support the truth of war and its histories. History is the main element of the play and the poem which enables the audience to deeply apprehend the memories of the war survivors. I'd say this paragraph is a little weaker than your first two, it's slipped a little too far into retell and not extrapolated the ideas to what the audience garners in a grander sense. It also, in my opinion, hasn't answered the question as effectively. Be careful that you don't just tell us what happened in the texts through techniques and what the audience learns about the text; go bigger. Explain how the the images created in the text are created and what the audience learns about the concept through those images. The concept in this paragraph is a little less solid than the others too, it might need a rework.

The distinctively visual depicts the experiences of the war veterans that were forced to suffer the atrocities of war. Misto and Owen explored the effects that war had on those involved in war and that society needs to be aware of this in order to prevent future wars. Both texts demonstrate themes of human vulnerability, the horrors of war and the history it made. The composers use visuals to reinforce the key concerns of the text and to convey a sense of reality for the audience. The distinctively visual reminds the audience that although the play is fiction, it is based on real historical events. Misto desire to write “The Shoehorn Sonata” was that he wanted to pay a tribute to the hundreds of women lost in captivity during 1939-1945. The audience is engrossed within the story of the composers due to the qualities of the distinctively visual. I think the first sentence here needs an adjustment, the experiences of war are shown using distinctively visual images, but it isn't the distinctively visual depicting the experiences of war (like, it isn't the instigator). I'm a nitpicker, aha. Besides that, great conclusion!! I do think you are introducing a bit too much new information with the Shoehorn Sonata, but you are hitting all your major points. Good work!

I don't think you need to have any concerns at all about this essay Hannah, it's great!! Not much I can fault at all. The third paragraph is a little weaker than the others, in analysis and concept, you may want to think about reworking it slightly. Also, I'd like to see some more interaction between your prescribed text and ORT; differences, similarities, how do different techniques achieve the same outcome for the audience, etc. Just playing with those sorts of ideas a little more.

That said, your structure is fantastic, and pretty much everything else is fantastic too. Not much I can suggest besides these few little things  great work!!

[katherine123]

please have a look through my essay thanks

[hannahboardman98]

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

[jamonwindeyer]

can i get some feedback thanks

Hey amandali! You definitely can, your response is attached with feedback throughout! 

Spoiler

In the poem “Anthem for Doomed youth”, Owen conveys that the soldiers are inhumanely slaughtered like animals and their Christian funeral rites have been denied, thus challenging the gloried view of war and question the necessity of countless loss of innocent lives.Great introduction! Unlike “Futility” which centred on a single casualty, the Spenserian sonnet poem readdressed to all nameless young soldiers who died needlessly to reveal the vast impact of war. In the title, the word “Anthem” usually refers to a patriotic song of praise, however, it is ironically juxtaposed against “doomed youth” in which the high modality language of “doomed” highlights that the certain and inevitable death of the young soldiers thus invoking sympathy in readers. Good link to audience!! Owen begins with the rhetorical question, “what passing bells for these who die as cattle?” which undercut the traditional association of youth as promising and potential with images of inhumane butchery of soldiers on mass like “cattle”. The aural imagery created through the use of onomatopoeic and plosive “t” and “r” sounds in “stuttering rifles’ rapid rattle”, elucidates the cacophony sound of artillery which deepens reader’s imagination of brutal killings on the battlefield. Fantastic analysis going on here, excellent links to audience, brilliant! The disparaging and angry tone stressed by a series of alliterative negatives in “no mockeries…no prayers nor bells” emphasises the lack of proper rituals and dignified funeral, thus demonstrating the callous treatment of the dead soldiers at war. The personification in “demented choirs of wailing shells” compares the deafening sound of shells with pleasing sound of choir, symbolising church ceremony, which highlight that they have been robbed of dignity and ceremony and thus reflecting cruelty of war. In the sestet, Owen employs volta to mark the tonal shift to one of mournful and compassionate which links the chaos of the battlefield to the process of mourning felt at the homefront. More fantastic analysis, I love the variety of techniques you are referencing, great work! The candles expected to burn at funeral rites are transformed to glimmers of tears shed by soldiers’ family as demonstrated through the extended metaphor in “eyes shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes”. This is furthered through visual imagery of “pallor girls’ brows shall be their pall” in which the alliteration of “l” accentuates the sorrowful mood as the “girls” mourn for the death of “boys” with grieving white faces instead of white pall which suggests the absence of proper burial. In the concluding lines of poem, the use of rhyming couplet “mind” and “blind” offers the finality of the lives of soldiers in a solemn way. Through the depiction of both warfront and homefront, Owen points out the ignominy of death in battle due to the lack of proper ceremony and the fact that bodies were left unburied, bringing emotional sufferings to the soldiers’ loved ones, thus rendering his “anthem” to ironically become an elegy for deceased soldiers. Fantastic paragraph on the whole, almost nothing to fault!

The sonnet poem, “Dulce et Decorum Est” was written during Owen’s recovery from shellshock and expresses his vitriolic adding the fact that men were lured into war by propaganda’s “old lie” that war is honourable and glorious. Try to make the start of your paragraphs a little more conceptual than this; the first one was better, though ideally you want something completely conceptual! The text should come in only after you establish the theme. The ironic title and final line of the poem comes from the Roman poet Horace meaning, “it is sweet and honourable to die for one’s country” is refuted by Owen’s opening image depicted through the simile “bent double, like old beggars under sacks” which depicts young soldiers as old man who are prematurely aged and frail. Slight expression issue there, that sentence doesn't quite flow. Thus, by subverting the orthodox views of war as a glorious and heroic pursuit, Owen critiques the miserable and misleading enterprise of war. Great. This is reinforced through the metaphor of “drunk with fatigue” which conveys that their exhaustion has deadened their senses beyond feeling as if they are intoxicated by alcohol, thus becomes oblivious to the dangers. That last phrase doesn't quite match the rest of the sentence grammatically. Owen reinforces the soldiers unpreparedness for war through the hyperbole, “men marched asleep” as they are reduced to automatons that function mechanically and have lost their capacity for rational thoughts. What does the audience realise about this as a result? Furthermore, Owen demonstrates their sheer fright and panic through the use of imperative language, “Gas! Gas! Quick, boys!”, which quickens the pace of the poem and highlights their sense of urgency between their life and death situation thus inducing sympathy in readers. Good. Then, the pace is slowed down due to the polysyllabic participles such as “stumbling”, “floundering” and “drowning” which stresses the soldiers’ helplessness as they struggle to stay alive. The graphic language accentuated by the onomatopoeia “gargling” in “come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs” assaults the reader with the horrific sight of a soldier struggling to breathe with gas burning his lungs and satirically overturns the naïve belief that it is fitting to die for one’s country. Fantastic analysis! This furthered through the visceral imagery in “white eyes writhing” which conveys the excruciating agony induced by a sudden gas attack. Similarly in “Strange Meeting”, Owen employs a tone of bitter scorn in “my friend” to convey the naivety and innocence of youth as they have been disillusioned by their glorified view of war due to the “old lie” which led them to their death. Therefore, Owen incorporates vivid scene of soldiers suffering at war to force readers to comprehend the atrocity and futility of war and to refute the title that “it is sweet and honourable to die for one’s country”. Great conclusion, very very nice!

This is some fantastic analysis amandali! A variety of powerful techniques, clear concepts, and what I love most: Direct links to audience. There's not too many comments throughout, because there is not much I can critique, this works really really really well!!

What throws me a tad is that these seem like two body paragraphs of a greater essay; this doesn't feel complete! The structure of your response is all that needs work, to develop a greater sense of clarity. Before I go into that though, could you tell me what question/stimulus that this is responding to? Or is this just a some generic practice? Just so I can tailor what I say next to what you need 

I'll also give you a bit of a challenge to improve your expression even further. Consider this sentence:

The graphic language accentuated by the onomatopoeia “gargling” in “come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs” assaults the reader with the horrific sight of a soldier struggling to breathe with gas burning his lungs and satirically overturns the naïve belief that it is fitting to die for one’s country.

You can make your writing more succinct by actually using the quote to say what you want to say! In the sentence above, that would look like this:

Graphic language is used to assault the reader with aural imagery, as the naive belief that it is fitting to die for ones country is quickly overturned by the image of "gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs."

By no means a perfect example, but notice how the quote actually becomes the thing I am talking about, it forms part of my thought. This has the benefits of more succinct expression, and further, a better flow, since it removes the need for stopping your train of thought to give the quote. Markers love this, and you are writing at the level that you can try to implement this in your writing 

Again, great work amandali!! I want to give you some feedback on structure too, but I'll wait for you to tell me a bit about what this response was tailored towards. You can always read this article for a basic idea, of course