English Standard Essay Marking

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi I was just wondering if my structure is band 6 material in my introduction below:

War was misinterpreted by society, where the horrific ramifications were absent from their perceived view. Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates these horrors and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging, revealing the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view displaying it as heroic and noble. In Owen’s poems Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility, his extensive use of visual, aural and colour imagery and figurative language, assist in the portrayal of the truth of war. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to dehumanisation.

Hey Hannah! I've had a read, I have a few comments:

I love that:
- You introduce your texts and list what your paragraphs will be about
- You have a strong conceptual focus, the text does't come in until the idea is set up, awesome!
- Great vocabulary and excellent explanation of ideas.

Some improvements:
- Be sure to talk in the present tense only, don't say "this happened" or "was," all in the present tense
- "dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death": I am not quite sure what is meant by this line, though I think I could guess. Maybe just a wording issue?
- Don't go too much into the protagonists views and such, keep it very abstract, no details on the text until we have started a body paragraph!

This is a great introduction Hannah! Just a few little touch ups I think, it is definitely en-route to a Band 6 style intro!! 

[aamyylouiisee]

Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you

[elysepopplewell]

Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you

Hey there!

Sorry this took so long to get to.

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and my affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.

The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world.

The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.

Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:

Spoiler

In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. Whenever possible, I make thesis statements low modality. So this means replacing "must" with something more passive.These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and may affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world.It is great that you've got three consecutive sentences fleshing out discovery. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. This italicised bit could very well belong in a body paragraph. You need to make sure that introducing your texts in the intro is short, sweet and sharp. You leave the fleshing out until the body paragraphs. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.

You've done a really great job in opening the introduction with plenty of discovery ideas. You should also open each paragraph with this same thing so that the reader knows exactly how the paragraph is going to be structured.  The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs through dialogue (use techniques where possible)when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. This is a good analysis between the two major scenes. To enhance the response, you need to give more details and analysis to what happens in between. Because it's more than just Raquel being ignorant and realising that, she actually makes a huge discovery. You also mentioned Raye in the opening but she hasn't been mentioned here. Anything you mention in the intro should be further fleshed out throughout.

The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.

The next step is writing a conclusion. So start with a sentence about discovery. Then talk about your texts in relation to discovery. Then bring it back to your overall understanding of discovery once again! Your conclusion should be 3-4 sentences to make sure that you are really raking in everything you have talked about above.

Good luck!

[Emilyom]

Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!
Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses   the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’  similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

[elysepopplewell]

Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!

Hey there!
Absolutely I can!

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses   the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’  similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

Here is your essay with my annotations made in bold:

Spoiler

Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart Douglas Stewart's poemsand short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's (Just Mishka Kornai. No apostrophe or s.) are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over amongst other techniques?

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. I would invert the syntax of this sentence so that you aren't naming three poem titles in a row. So put the poem's title at the end of the sentence.Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective. This makes perfect sense as an argument

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be by Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’  similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. Awesome link between texts!In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily (Don't say waterlily for the second time in the sentence. Instead, change the syntax around to avoid sounding repetitive is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. Again, the waterlily twice thing The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visuals? in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

I think that in your introduction and conclusion, you want to be careful not to specify the techniques that you will discuss later on. This limits your discussion when in fact you could be looking at the whole text in the intro and conclusion rather than specifics.

Your argument 100% makes sense - you should be really proud! It is just a few examples of the way things are written that need tidying. I've pointed out some of these, and they are recurring trends. Be careful that each sentence flows from one to another. Be sure that you aren't repeating the same words or phrases in close succession of one another. It's these kinds of things that are totally easy to fix and elevate your response

You should be really proud!

[elysepopplewell]

Hello, this is my essay for my prelims area of study on journey. I tried my best to make the essay look like it's not rushed lol but I don't know if it's good.. Please go easy on the essay marking because I have to memorise it by this Thursday! I am going to start memorising tomorrow morning so would it be okay if you can give me the feedback ASAP? If possible, between 8am-12pm?
I just want to check if everything answers the question and if i have used good examples. Also, can you please provide some simple advice/tips to improve the essay overall?
Thank you!

Hey there! lucky I jumped on ATAR Notes this morning

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

In what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?

Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being.

In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government.

The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured. 

The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie. 

The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary. In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.

The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.

The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.

Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:

Spoiler

In what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?

Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being.  The question asks for your own opinion - I'm not sure if your teacher wants you to use the first person persona when you talk? I would suggest that they don't because if it is like the HSC AOS, they will ask that you stay well away from the first person. But, good to check

In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government. This is an excellent paragraph in terms of textual analysis. I would finish the paragraph with an explicit journey reference just to seal the deal!

The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. Again, I'd make sure that each paragraph starts with an explicit journey reference as well as ends with one.She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured. 

The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie.  Bring it back to journey

The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary.Awesome journey sentence! In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.

The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.

I would start this conclusive paragraph with a sentence about YOUR understanding of journey (even if not in the first person) instead of jumping into the texts. The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.

Awesome response. Your textual analysis is awesome! The next step for you is making sure that you are nailing journey. Each paragraph should start and end with explicit journey references to make sure that you are showing the marker that you know EXACTLY what you are talking about in the area of study! You'll do so well Good luck!

[Jess Semken]

Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that.
Thanks again,
Jessica

Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored.

Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm  portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlight Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge.

Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of  personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.

Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion.

Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease.

By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery.

[elysepopplewell]

Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that.
Thanks again,
Jessica

Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Hey there! Sure thing Jessica!
Here is your original essay in the spoiler:

Spoiler

"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored.

Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm  portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlight Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge.

Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of  personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.

Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion.

Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease.

By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery.

Here are my annotations written in bold throughout your essay:

Spoiler

"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. I really like this opening because it talks about acknowledging an inherent wonder, and that's really unique. "Exploring" the wonder is more common, but acknowledging is a step deeper I think. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored. My only criticism about this introduction is that you only offer concepts of discovery that are in the essay question. The best responses take on the question, they put the texts to the question and then they explore from there. Obviously this was in exam situation, but it's something you should keep in mind. By even adding a second sentence after the initial sentence where you introduce more ideas about discovery, you open up the ability to have a richer discussion because you have another thread to follow throughout.

Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. I love that you start the paragraph without talking about the text. That's great.Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm  portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlights Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. Maybe I'm just finding it hard to find because I've added my own annotations, but where is the textual reference to the anthropomorphism? I can't see a quote that uses this.The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge. I'm not seeing a direct connection between the Jewish religious term and what you are saying the effect of it is. Particularly because you said the "deliberate" naming. That makes me feel like there's a real significance to Judaism here but I don't see it reflected in your analysis.

Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line (avoid saying, the line, the quote, the sentence, etc. Just write the quote and don't give it that introduction, unless you wanted to put in brackets at the end the chapter it is from, but you would only do that if there was significance to that spot in the story.) "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of  personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.  I think you are fleshing out discovery well, I'm italicising (is that a word?) every time you use it so that you can see it clearly - you're doing a good job of being consistent. One of the biggest problems is that people don't feel like they need to say "discovery" because they see it as a given. Not right. You're doing it really well.

Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. "Religious discoveries" wasn't mentioned in your introduction but probably could be. I mentioned in the intro that you should present more ideas about discovery. It seems that you're fleshing out these ideas anyway, they're just not yet in your intro. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion. This is a really meaty paragraph, it's awesome. You've made a good link back to the essay question.

Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. I think the wording here is awkward, I read the sentence three times before I understood. "Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for an individual than a meticulous/calculated/planned discovery." This is just an idea. You'll need to play with it a little bit more. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. You can change the syntax here so it reads: "The use of personification in, "the fell clutch of circumstance...." It just sounds a tiny bit more academic. You're driving the sentence with personification, not the line.The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease. It's really wonderful that you always bring it back to discovery.

By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery. I'd break up this conclusion a bit. You've got two sentences that are both quite long. I recommend this structure:

-Make a statement about discovery.
-CLaim that the texts are a testament to this notion.
-Mention the other ideas of discovery that you mentioned as supporting notions to your main thesis.
-End the way that you currently have.

End Notes:

Seriously awesome job. You've done well here! You always link things back to discovery which is giving your essay massive points. Your introduction and conclusion need a little more fleshing out in order to start it off strong and bring it home well. Easy done!

You're sitting on about 600 words. If you could extend yourself to 700, and eventually 800, you'll be able to fit in a lot more textual analysis. Your essay is dropping in that your paragraphs aren't equally meaty and they tend to deal with one or two quotes each when I would aim for three per text per paragraph. This gives you the opportunity to flesh out the discovery in the text more, but also gives you the option to use your text as a supporting resource to your thesis about discovery, because that's what this is ultimately about, discovery, not the texts.

You've done a really awesome job, particularly considering this was in exam conditions. If anything I've said doesn't really make sense, post back!

If you comb through every sentence with scrutiny and ask "what does this sentence add? Could I rearrange the sentence to put my point in a stronger way? Does this add to the conversation about discovery?" then you'll have a really awesome essay.

You've done so well!

[fluffchuck]

May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!

[jamonwindeyer]

May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!

Hey fluffchuck! Welcome to the forums 

Totally! We may or may not have knowledge of your text, but that's okay, we can still give you feedback about your structure, analysis, etc  just post your essay either as a post or an attachment and we'll get you some feedback! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you mark my essay and also find what bits I can cut out thanks

I've got your essay amandali and you can expect some feedback by the end of the weekend!!  thanks for posting it!

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you mark my essay and also find what bits I can cut out thanks

Okay amandali, here you go! Essay is attached with some helpful comments throughout 

Spoiler

In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as a stimulus for critical reflection. Referencing literary critics is AWESOME, but it is a little better to directly quote, rather than paraphrase. Try finding the specific place that Eco argues this and quote part of it. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion, as his astute first-hand observation and masterful use of distinctly visual language bring to life people and their experiences of bush life in the hostile and unforgiving Australian outback. In his short story, The Drover’s Wife, Lawson employs a distinctive visual through vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and laconic language to bring to life a bush woman’s survival in a stark narrative landscape to induce critical reflection for the reader and empathetic immersion in the character’s physical and psychological experience of bush life. This is a fantastic Thesis! I think it needs a more conclusive end, perhaps blended with a list of what your paragraphs will be covering. These are the two things you are missing, add them and you are perfect!! EG - "Through exploration of themes such as ____, ______, ______, Lawson is able to..."

In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson brings to life the experience of survival against the dangers of isolation in a barren environment through the use of vivid sensory imagery, which draws reader into immediacy of her present crisis of being abandoned in the bush. Wording could be slightly stronger here, try being succinct through clever word choice to get your ideas across. For example, this idea could be synthesised to: "draws the reader into the crisis of her abandonment in the bush." Lawson deliberately leaves the woman unnamed in order to construct her as a symbol of all bush women who held the family together while their husbands were out “droving”. The use of stagnant imagery in “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned woman” depicts the dry, fatigued appearance of the drover’s wife and her children. Lawson here further alludes to the parched landscape in The Loaded Dog where “creek was low, just a chain of muddy water holes”. I do really like that you reference another text by the same composer! Contextualise it's inclusion just a little bit more, identify that it is another text by Lawson, use it a little more powerfully than just a simple comparison. Lots of potential here! In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson accentuates an atmosphere of lifelessness and reveals the family’s fragility and struggle within the abrasive environment, reinforces a sense of scarcity and desperation, thereby promoting sympathy in readers. How? This is definitely the crux of your paragraph, this is what you should be pushing here, and I'm not quite getting it from your examples. The barrenness of the environment is elucidated through the diseased imagery of “the stunted, rotten apple trees”. Watch syntax! The “apple trees” allude to the Biblical setting of Garden of Eden, where their “stunted” and “rotten” appearance suggests the degradation of Paradise. What does this elucidate? What experience does this visual image portray? Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson vividly elucidates the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people through his powerful construction of an image of worn-out characters living in a forbidding and hostile environment.The ideas are here, the techniques are here, but I don't think they are linked as effectively as possible!

In addition, Lawson brings to life the distinctive experience of the isolated rural environment through the use of language techniques conveyed with a clipped tone in order to avoid sentimentalising or romanticising the drover’s wife’s life experiences. I'd stick with romanticising only in that sentence. This is exemplified by the alliteration in "no undergrowth, nothing to relieve the eye.... " which emphasises the visual image of an expansive landscape filled with emptiness and monotony. Try referencing your quotes a little more cleverly, EG, "the alliterative phrase, "Blah..."" As a result, the drover’s wife’s narrow world has stunted her growth and life-opportunities, denying her the capacity to find pleasure in life. This is established through the metaphor, “all her girlish hopes and aspirations have long been dead”, which conveys that her youthfulness and optimism has drained away as she braves the conditions of the bush and sacrifices herself to protect her children. This is also marked by a fatalistic tone which expresses her resignation as she is not part of the world she dreams of living in “castles in the air”. With the use of distinctly visual language, Lawson powerfully constructs an image of survival that causes readers to admire the drover’s wife persistence and the sacrifices she makes to protect her children. This paragraph is much better! It could be a little longer, perhaps add one more example? But the link between techniques and ideas is much more effective.

Furthermore, Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife. I think your central concept could be stronger than "danger." Be more specific or insightful if you can! This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise.You can be more succinct here, this is a story well-known enough to just reference in passing. The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is accentuated by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. It's not a big issue with your writing, but remember the focus is on Lawson's representation of the dog, not the actions of the dog. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the drover’s wife’s family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. This is reinforced through the diseased imagery of nature with the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life. Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive. Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush. This paragraph has effective ideas, but again, remember to focus on Lawson and technique! I feel you slip ever so slightly into retell towards the middle.

Moreover, Lawson brings to life the strong and determined character of Australian people through the use of vernacular expression in their dialogue, which builds the realism and authenticity of their experience. Again, I feel the conceptual drive here could be stronger. Really, this could just be a sentence supporting another paragraph, it isn't quite powerful enough by itself. The drover’s wife’s son, Tom, wants to kill the possums as he exclaimed “I’d like to screw their blanky necks” with coarse language replaced by euphemism. This amplifies his desire to be perceived as a man by dealing with the threats to his family, but also reflects the chaos and harshness of the environment he is growing up in. Remember (as a general thing, something that would suit well here), What do we take from that reflection? The drover’s wife, however, refuses to put him danger and takes on a masculine role instead, as shown through her dialogue “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!”. The coarseness and bluntness of her language reveals the sternness in her demand, with no sign of femininity, which reiterates that the harshness of the environment can toughen bush women. Her masculinity is furthered through by her reaction against the snake as shown through the active verbs such as "dashes", "snatches", and "reaches". This conjures up images of immediacy which demonstrates her fierce independence, physical strength and quick-thinking, therefore revealing her resilience, tenacity and fortitude in surviving “while her husband was away”. In this way, Lawson illustrates the people and their experience whilst conveying their stoicism and resilience through his depiction of the relentless bush with his distinctive use of language.

In conclusion, Lawson brings to life the people and their experiences through the powerful construction of his vision of the monotonous and tough daily life in the barren and isolated environment in The Drover’s Wife, with the use of distinctive language. You can create a more powerful statement by rearranging your phrases, making sure everything flows a little smoother. You can also remove 'in conclusion. As Umberto Eco argues, the distinctly visual becomes a medium for critical reflection and through Lawson’s masterful use of imagery and language, he elucidates the stoicism and resilience of bush people which evokes sympathy in readers. Cool! I like, nice and succinct!

This is a really great essay amandali, super awesome! Good explanation of a nice variety of techniques and ideas.

I would say some stronger, more insightful concepts would yield more perceptive paragraphs. For example, your fourth paragraph is set up as quite simple (use of vernacular language to craft the Australian context). By identifying techniques early on, you restrict the scope of your paragraph. I would start by coming up with some more insightful, more broad ideas on which to base your paragraphs. First two are absolutely fine, the third and fourth are a little weaker conceptually.

Besides this, simply ensure your analysis is always spot on. Remember to mention what we, as an audience, take from the text, and make sure that you always have a TECHNIQUE, an EXPLANATION, a mention of AUDIENCE/IMPACT, and a LINK TO CONCEPT (which may be implied through your explanation). Go to Tea 

Two things to consider, but I think this is a great essay amandali! Well done! 

Oh, and in terms of something to cut the length down, try cutting down to three body paragraphs! Pick your least favourite paragraph and remove it, and that will give you some extra wiggle room! 

[Alyssapensini]

Hey!

I'm in Prelim, but I have a speech I'd love for you to mark please! It's not very good, I got totally shut down by my teacher, but I need you to help me where I should fix it.
AOS: Changing Perspective
Prescribed film - Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods
ORT - Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just need you to help me fix it please!
My teacher marked it 30/60 for the practice run! UH OH.

Thanks heaps!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey!

I'm in Prelim, but I have a speech I'd love for you to mark please! It's not very good, I got totally shut down by my teacher, but I need you to help me where I should fix it.
AOS: Changing Perspective
Prescribed film - Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods
ORT - Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just need you to help me fix it please!
My teacher marked it 30/60 for the practice run! UH OH.

Thanks heaps!

Hey there! Your essay is marked out of a really huge number - that's so unusual!

Just a quick disclaimer, I haven't studied these texts or this AOS. So I'll mainly focus on the structure and language and we will see what we can do.

Here is your original

Spoiler

A change in perspective can come from different life experiences or from the opinions of others. Changing perspective is an inevitable part of human life, that is of a high value. In the film Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods and the novel Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, the protagonists experience the changing perspective process and learn how it enables one to love and accept themselves, and can also help to bring individuals together. Each composer uses a variety of techniques to show the changing perspective process.
In the beginning of the prescribed film, Looking for Alibrandi, Josie lacks confidence in herself, her family and her culture. Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, “Do I really belong here?” This shows that Josie is hesitant and questioning if she really does belong in her family’s culture. Throughout the film, Josie learns that she doesn’t have to fit in to still be a part of the family, even though, Nonna, Josie’s grandmother, has strong opinions about the woman Josie must grow up to be. Josie learns to accept herself for who she is and realises that she is an independent young woman who will grow up to be the woman she’s destined to be, whether it’s Nonna’s ideal or not. In the end, Josie learns this by revealing the mistakes her grandmother made when she was younger, that were against her culture’s traditions. This change in perspective is evident in the quote, “But I know now, that what’s important is who I feel I am.” Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, to enable responders to see the clear contrast of the change from her first perspective, to her new one.
In addition to the film, Portia de Rossi explores the changing perspective process in her autobiography, Unbearable Lightness. In her novel, de Rossi recounts her early life and the turmoil she faced as she fought an eating disorder. Portia’s initial perspective of herself at the age of 12 was hateful. Portia began believing her disorder as the voices in her head grew louder, telling her she was worthless. This is suggested through the quote, “You have no self-control. You don’t deserve this job.” De Rossi displays a metaphor, as the quote is presented, to what she refers to, as the voices in her head, that represent her conscience. These voices disabled her from seeing the young lady she really was. In the latter stages of the novel, de Rossi explains how her recovery from her eating disorder enabled her to find the love for herself she’d never had. De Rossi uses imperative tone and second person narrative to highlight the changing perspective process in the quote, “In other words, accept yourself… Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are….” During her changing perspective process, De Rossi learned she can be herself while attaining love from others.
Throughout the film Looking for Alibrandi, Woods explores the change in perspective of Nonna. Towards the beginning of the film, Nonna is very judgemental towards Josie’s father Michael, and doesn’t accept him as part of the family because he is Asutralian. Josie has an epiphany about New Year’s Eve that leads her to realising that Nonna had a relationship with an Australian man, going against the family’s culture. Josie rightfully accuses Nonna of being a hypocrite. Towards the end of the argument scene, Josie’s heartache is shown through the quote, “He’s my father. If you love me, you’ll accept that.” Woods uses dialog to show the need for Nonna to accept Michael as Josie’s father. In the final scene of the movie, Michael is seen stirring a pot of tomatoes at the family’s Tomato Day gathering. This shows that Nonna’s perspective towards Michael changed, and she finally accepted him as part of the family.
Similarly, in the chosen text, Unbearable Lightness, De Rossi explores her grandmothers change in perspective about Portia’s sexuality. In the beginning, Portia and her mother had decided to keep Portia’s sexuality secret from her grandmother. This is evident in the quote, “My mother and I had decided that she was too old… the words ‘I’m gay’ might just stop her heart.” Woods uses a hyperbole to reinforce the idea that Portia’s Gran wasn’t going to accept her granddaughter as gay. It wasn’t until after Portia moved in with Ellen DeGeneres, that Portia admitted to her Grandmother that she was gay, and to her surprise, her grandmother was rather accepting. Her Gran told her she loved her ‘just the same’. Towards the end of the novel, de Rossi quotes, “Gran showed me that people change, including me, as I was certain that a woman born in 1907 in a small town in rural Australia would never be able to accept me.” De Rossi uses reflective tone to show how Gran’s perspective of Portia was altered as they were brought together.
From studying the film, Looking for Alibrandi, and the novel, Unbearable Lightness, responders can conclude that everyone goes through changing perspective at some stage. From the studies, both protagonists came from very different backgrounds, yet they both still experienced change of perspective. This indicates it can happen to anyone and it can have a positive or negative affect on an individual.
Thank you.

Here is your speech with my own thoughts written in bold font:

Spoiler

A change in perspective can come from different life experiences or from the opinions of others. Changing perspective is an inevitable part of human life, that is of a high value. I think it is great that you've dedicated a whole two first sentences to talking about the AOS and not mentioning the texts. This is what the AOS module expects - they want you to show your knowledge of the ideas and simply support them with your knowledge of texts. Just a small thing about your first sentence - "from the opinions of others" - this is a little unclear to me. Do you mean the public opinions of others? The opinions that others may have but also may not - the individual is paranoid? Just try be as specific as possible in this part here so that your ideas are open for fleshing out, but you also show that you have direction. In the film Looking for Alibrandi by produced by? composed by? Kate Woods and the novel Unbearable Lightness by written by, composed by... Portia de Rossi, the protagonists experience the changing perspective process the process of changing perspectives and learn how it enables one to love and accept themselves, and can also help to bring individuals together. This last part of the sentence is a bit of an add on. I see that its an important part of the ideas but it sits awkwardly. Perhaps try sit it on its own in a new sentence, or cut the sentence in half before the "learn how it..." so that your really long sentence is now in two medium size sentences. Each composer uses a variety of techniques to show the changing perspective process.
I'd open this paragraph by fleshing out an idea about changing perspectives that you want to explore in the paragraph. It just directs your text with a strong reference to the AOS.In the beginning of the prescribed film, Looking for Alibrandi, Josie lacks confidence in herself, her family and her culture. Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, “Do I really belong here?” This shows that Josie is hesitant and questioning if she really does belong in her family’s culture. Throughout the film, Josie learns that she doesn’t have to fit in to still be a part of the family, even though, Nonna, Josie’s grandmother, has strong opinions about the woman Josie must grow up to be. Josie learns to accept herself for who she is and realises that she is an independent young woman who will grow up to be the woman she’s destined to be, whether it’s Nonna’s ideal or not. In the end, Josie learns this by revealing the mistakes her grandmother made when she was younger, that were against her culture’s traditions. At this point I just want to draw your attention to the fact that you haven't analysed the text in the last three sentences. So although you are providing story retell that you deem to be important, it doesn't add to the discussion about the AOS or the text's support of that. If there is a sentence that doesn't directly do either of those, then it doesn't need to be in your work. Valuable analysis time is being used on story retell. This change in perspective is evident in the quote, Avoid saying "the quote," this seems to be a bit of a jagged part of your work, when instead it could flow wonderfully. Swap it for "evident in the first person, "But I know..." “But I know now, that what’s important is who I feel I am.” Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, to enable responders to see the clear contrast of the change from her first perspective, to her new one. This is one of the most explicit references to the AOS, its great! Make sure you go back and all the way throughout your paragraph, you come back to a distinct idea about the AOS.
In addition to the film, Portia de Rossi explores the changing perspective process in her autobiography, Unbearable Lightness. We need to identify what kind of changing perspective is happening here. This goes for the last paragraph as well. It isn't enough to identify the AOS, you need to challenge it, tease it out, etc. Your thesis needs to be original to show it isn't stock standard from the syllabus. You need to use the syllabus to branch out and find an idea about the AOS that is evident in your texts. That is the next step for you in my opinion is to elevate your work with an original thesis. It's a big plunge to take. So, I suggest you take an overarching idea, then two smaller ones that come out from there. Then weave them through your essay. In your introduction you mentioned some new perspectives, but you didn't recognise these in your following paragraphs. Once you carry it through, you'll realise an enormous lift in your work! In her novel, de Rossi recounts her early life and the turmoil she faced as she fought an eating disorder. Portia’s initial perspective of herself at the age of 12 was hateful. Portia began believing her disorder as the voices in her head grew louder, telling her she was worthless. This is story retell again This is suggested through the quote, “You have no self-control. You don’t deserve this job.” De Rossi displays a metaphor, as the quote is presented, to what she refers to, as the voices in her head, that represent her conscience. You need to make sure that each sentence that analyses a quote shows this: quote, technique, critical analysis of the purpose of the technique. Once you've ticked them off, you can bring in a little story retell to ground your quote in context. These voices disabled her from seeing the young lady she really was. In the latter stages of the novel, de Rossi explains how her recovery from her eating disorder enabled her to find the love for herself she’d never had. De Rossi uses imperative tone and second person narrative to highlight the changing perspective process in the quote, “In other words, accept yourself… Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are….” During her changing perspective process, De Rossi learned she can be herself while attaining love from others.
Throughout the film Looking for Alibrandi, Woods explores the change in perspective of Nonna. Towards the beginning of the film, Nonna is very judgemental towards Josie’s father Michael, and doesn’t accept him as part of the family because he is Asutralian. Josie has an epiphany about New Year’s Eve that leads her to realising that Nonna had a relationship with an Australian man, going against the family’s culture. Josie rightfully accuses Nonna of being a hypocrite. Towards the end of the argument scene, Josie’s heartache is shown through the quote, “He’s my father. If you love me, you’ll accept that.” Woods uses dialog to show the need for Nonna to accept Michael as Josie’s father. In the final scene of the movie, Michael is seen stirring a pot of tomatoes at the family’s Tomato Day gathering. This shows that Nonna’s perspective towards Michael changed, and she finally accepted him as part of the family.
Similarly, in the chosen text, Unbearable Lightness, De Rossi explores her grandmothers change in perspective about Portia’s sexuality. In the beginning, Portia and her mother had decided to keep Portia’s sexuality secret from her grandmother. This is evident in the quote, “My mother and I had decided that she was too old… the words ‘I’m gay’ might just stop her heart.” Woods uses a hyperbole to reinforce the idea that Portia’s Gran wasn’t going to accept her granddaughter as gay. It wasn’t until after Portia moved in with Ellen DeGeneres, that Portia admitted to her Grandmother that she was gay, and to her surprise, her grandmother was rather accepting. Her Gran told her she loved her ‘just the same’. Towards the end of the novel, de Rossi quotes, “Gran showed me that people change, including me, as I was certain that a woman born in 1907 in a small town in rural Australia would never be able to accept me.” De Rossi uses reflective tone to show how Gran’s perspective of Portia was altered as they were brought together.
From studying the film, Looking for Alibrandi, and the novel, Unbearable Lightness, responders can conclude that everyone goes through changing perspective at some stage. From the studies, both protagonists came from very different backgrounds, yet they both still experienced change of perspective. This indicates it can happen to anyone and it can have a positive or negative affect on an individual. This would be the place to secure your understanding of the AOS. I'd open the conclusion with the AOS like you did in the introduction; privilege the AOS over the texts.
Thank you. Unless you've been specified to thank the audience, I don't think it is necessary

Okay! We've got some good stuff to work with - it definitely isn't like you need to start from scratch.

TO sum up the above, consider these:

-The AOS should be privileged over the texts.
-Textual analysis should be privileged over the story retell.
-Only use story retell where it provides essential information to understand a section of the analysis.
-Don't just talk about the AOS for its title, instead, use the AOS as a starting point and then branch out. Discuss different ideas about changing perspectives. This is important so that your essay is incredibly unique, distinct, and shows a marker that you're comfortable challenging the texts.
-Start and finish every paragraph with your ideas about the AOS. This gives direction but also helps with privileging the AOS over the texts - very important for this module.

You'll do well! I have no doubt. You're at a starting point now - the hard part is over because you've actually written something. From here on in it is just about editing, changing, rearranging, until you get yourself in a positive of optimum marks.

If you're delivering this in person, be sure to be confident, make eye contact, etc, you know how it is. This is valuable beyond a single assessment though, because you're essentially working with an essay which is excellent for any future AOS essays you have both in prelim and in HSC!

Best of luck! Please clarify anything that doesn't make sense

[hannahboardman98]

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!