Couldn’t access the article, so this is just quick feedback on your essay
Sparked by the court case of students not getting into their desired university course, Wendy Tuohy’s judgemental tone in her article “Don’t blame school if you fail should be the message from Geelong Grammar Case” published on August 08 2012 in the Herald Sun contends to her audience of parents about coddling their children without letting them experience real world problems.
This needs clarifying and fleshing out a bit. It doesn’t totally make sense. You haven’t clearly shown the author’s contention, or her overall ways of arguing.
A sample very quick re-write:
Recently, students not getting into their desired university course launched a court case against their school. Outraged at this, Wendy Tuohy in her article ‘Don’t blame school if you fail should be the message from GGC’ (published Aug 08, 2012 in the Herald Sun) contends that coddling children without letting them experience real world problems is unacceptable and dangerous. Especially targeting parents, she uses a [something] tone to arouse... Then finish the sentence by briefly describing her overall methods of persuading, and how this could impact the audience e.g. does she appeal to the parents’ emotions and love of their children, or does she bluntly mock coddling children so the parent will realise how stupid it is?
From the onset outset of the article Tuohy contrasts how students have changed over the years. Good The writer uses an anecdote in comparing how students would “get a detention, stiff letter home or extra homework” By using an anecdote she links the past to the present that students “not only blame the school, but sue it”. By doing so Tuohy highlights the cause and effect, which their parenting behaviours are having on their child by coddling them. So here, you have to figure out how this impacts the reader. Maybe this would alarm the reader, as it shows a strong downward trend, so they feel like everything is getting worse and worse. Maybe the parent remembers when they were a kid – the author appeals to their belief that the past/tradition/their childhood was better, and now nothing is as good. So they’re more likely to view this with concern or disdain.
The writer uses a pictures of Rose Ashton, which is placed in the top centre of the article. Description of image location isn’t normally needed, unless it’s especially significant and you can draw something out of it. Everything you describe should also have something about how it impacts the reader. The image shows the consequences of parents not teaching their child life lessons. It shows the ignorance and the attitude in which children develop if there are not consequences for their actions. With images, briefly describe what the image shows, and then how that can impact the audience, and ideally link it with a quote from the article. You haven’t described here how the picture of Ashton shows consequences/ignorance/attitude, and then how this makes the reader feel, think or do.
The writer appeals to parents, by negatively connotation children. In doing so she highlight how children threaten their parents “daddy I want a pony” “and it better meet its contractual obligations to entertain me or I’ll see you in court” highlights the views, attitudes and beliefs which some children think they are entitled. In doing so it makes parents question whether they have become a victim of their child’s behaviour. By instilling this over power by a child it makes parents question their parenting skills, as any parent would not want their child to behave in this behaviour.
Tuohy’s tone shifts to one which is didactic as she appeals to logic. Though her appeal she questions whether parents are teaching their child “life lessons”. Instead of “blaming shift when things don’t go their way”. The write urges parents to not fall prey of their children, but to show them/ teach them “life lessons” Tuohy further provides
Tuohy concludes her article by urging parents that “children need to learn from their mistakes”. In doing so she makes a last effort to convince parents about her point. In doing so she allows the parents to feel empowered and equipped by stating that failing to do so will “undermine their change of being functioning adults” as every parent wants the best for their children.
In the last three paragraphs especially, I don't always get what you're trying to say. Do you get what you mean (this is the first step)? When you write practice essays, reread everything you write and rewrite anything that you think doesn't flow right or make total sense.
So, overall you need more detail and analysis, but especially MORE ABOUT
IMPACT ON THE READER. Any time you write something describing what the article said, you MUST show its significance and the way it makes the reader feel, think or do. This is the whole aim of LA. So for every descriptive sentence, make sure you also have an analysing sentence, that explains how the technique or quote will change the reader's viewpoint.
In each paragraph, you need to repeat these steps (as many times as you feel like per paragraph):
1. Evidence/quote/technique
2. The effect of the technique/quote, like what it implies.
3. Then, how that makes the reader think or feel.
Also work on clarity and flow. Carefully read every sentence/paragraph after you’ve written it, and see if it makes total sense. If not, it might need revising. I think working on your expression and flow - even rewriting a paragraph 5 times at this point in the year - will help you and the examiner know what you're saying. Before you write something, you have to firstly know exactly what you are trying to say or argue. Then afterwards, you have to reread it and check if the
examiner would get what you meant.
And don't just write something random if you don't have a clue what to say; spend longer planning, write dot-point sentences etc. The first step is that you understand what you're trying to say.
Btw, don't know if you've read it, but definitely read
DJA's Guide to Language Analysis (Section C) (and the other language analysis guides in
English Resources and Sample High Scoring Responses).
Anyway, hope I’ve helped rather than demoralising you
... I'm not great at marking... all the best, good effort
and ask any questions if you don't get what I'm saying.
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