MHS Writing Topics + Essays + Advice XD

[pixelgraphicsful]

I can see from the post that you kinda hypothetically guessed what gene cloning is, but from what I see the only reason you messed up is because you didn't know too much of science, so no matter.
You also didn't reply to your own rebuttal, I think it is because of the time limited but always reply to a rebuttal or it'll feel like you're dodging a question.
The quality of the rebuttal is also an issue. Gene. Cloning doesn't affect nature much as it won't use a factory, but more of a lab
(I feel like I'm just arguing against you now)
What would you do if gene cloning required human experimentation, and cloning an entire person was possible.wouldnt this bring us back to the age of ignorance and the age of slaves?
Grammar and vocab seem good, just the structure
Btw, the Narrator of the piece I wrote would be King Arthur, the story would be describing his moments before death
Mordred, bedivere, caliburn, lady of the lake, just some of the clues I gave I was thinking of adding Guinevere somewhere in there but that'll make it too obvious,the same with 'the round table', that would also make it too obvious but I did this to test your general knowledge, so in the actual exam, you don't have to hide stuff cause they want to see everything you know

Hey Dat1Guy,
So that's what gene cloning is, lol
Automatically assumed as you said.
My general knowledge is below average I would say.
I'm pretty sure I need to improve on that.

I had my concert today, and it went for ages!!
So, it's 10:20PM now and I just finished my maths stuff.

Therefore, unfortunately, I can't write my essay.
I can physically, but the quality wouldn't be worth anyone's time in marking or reading it,

I guess I'll try to make tomorrow's EXTRA special.

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hi everybody!

I did it! Yes, finally finished today's creative writing.
If anything, I'm satisfied with this essay. I wrote it a lot earlier than I would normally, I believe that helped.

Anyway, I wrote this in 15 minutes (YES!)
The prompt was:
The Professor always made me feel awkward with his crazy inventions, and this time is no different.

Any suggestions, tips, corrections or just encouragement will be greatly appreciated by me.

Here it is
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He was a diligent fellow, always absorbed into his work. He always carried around a brazen bearing despite his shortness. I smiled to myself as I watched the professor work. I loved everything about him, his personality, appearance and attitude to work; however, he was a wild professor and would often create strange and random inventions. My smile segued into a shiver as I thought about his robot that would wipe your mouth.

The professor was quirky, to say the very least. He preferred sleeping with clothes, adored stuffed bears and abhorred the media, most of all however, he never speaks. The latter trait was weird at first however I got over it eventually. Flashbacks of me working as an apprentice and attempting to speak to him normally. It doesn't bother me that much any more, we communicate by implying our meaning through actions.

I was shocked out of my daydream by the sound of the professor shouting,

"Eureka!" the professor yelled in delight, jumping out of his ergonomic chair.

I stood there, startled by the professor's resonating voice and by the pure face that he was speaking.

"Come here Serenie," the professor spoke again, rapidly motioning for me to come over.

"I've invented a drink that can alter my grotesque accent!"
he shouted, quivering with excitement.

I nodded, suddenly catching on with what is happening. His accent can be compared to that of a professional commentator. Thoughts, connections and memories resurfaced. I had finally understood why the professor never talked.
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[pi]

You're not going to like this.

Just a general comment after reading a few of your essays, you seem to have an impressive vocabulary, but the way you use it seems very 'forced'. It's almost like you're using complex words to solely impress the reader/examiner, and hence, your piece often doesn't flow and it reads in an 'unnatural' way. It really detracts from the ideas in your writing.

Examples of the aforementioned in the above piece:
1. "I've invented a drink that can alter my grotesque accent" (great word, but doesn't sound right as a description of one's own accent)
2. "...jumping out of his ergonomic chair" (how does that description add anything to the story but "look examiner, I know this word!"?)
3. "My smile segued into a shiver as I thought about his robot that would wipe your mouth." (also, not sure why this sentence is even in this piece, seems really unrelated to your story tbh)
etc.

Because I was so focused on the inappropriate use of language, I'll honestly admit I had to read your piece once again to understand what you meant by "I had finally understood why the professor never talked" (mind you, not the strongest story-line imo haha, didn't think it really addressed the prompt, and I'm a little confused if you actually meant "accent", or something more like "bad breath" for the reason of his lack of verbal communication, not sure why someone would stop speaking because of their accent haha) in the final line.

Good to have a strong vocab, but better to know how to utilise it effectively. Read more novels and slow down on the essays (every 2-3 days should suffice), see how authors wield their words and compare it to your own style.

Plenty of time to improve and develop your own style though!

[pixelgraphicsful]

You're not going to like this.

Just a general comment after reading a few of your essays, you seem to have an impressive vocabulary, but the way you use it seems very 'forced'. It's almost like you're using complex words to solely impress the reader/examiner, and hence, your piece often doesn't flow and it reads in an 'unnatural' way. It really detracts from the ideas in your writing.
Examples of the aforementioned
 in the above piece:
1. "I've invented a drink that can alter my grotesque accent" (great word, but doesn't sound right as a description of one's own accent)
2. "...jumping out of his ergonomic chair" (how does that description add anything to the story but "look examiner, I know this word!"?)
3. "My smile segued into a shiver as I thought about his robot that would wipe your mouth." (also, not sure why this sentence is even in this piece, seems really unrelated to your story tbh)
etc.

Because I was so focused on the inappropriate use of language, I'll honestly admit I had to read your piece once again to understand what you meant by "I had finally understoodidn't think it really addressed the prompt, and I'm a little confused if you actuad why the professor never talked" (mind you, not the strongest story-line imo haha, lly meant "accent", or something more like "bad breath" for the reason of his lack of verbal communication, not sure why someone would stop speaking because of their accent haha) in the final line.

Good to have a strong vocab, but better to know how to utilise it effectively. Read more novels and slow down on the essays (every 2-3 days should suffice), see how authors wield their words and compare it to your own style.

Plenty of time to improve and develop your own style though!

Hey pi!
First of all, I'm really grateful you still comment on my essays.
As you assumed, indeed, I didn't like it. However, after reading over it a few times, I completely agree. I think what I'm trying to do is to try to "force" good vocabulary, but I believe it's also because I find I learn the vocabulary better this way; by using it in my writing.
90% of the noticeable vocab have been collated (see there I did it again) this fortnight.

I've also decided that I'll write a piece every two days.

Thanks

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hi everyone,

Here is today's persuasive text.
Finally got around to doing it, 3 days.
I'll try to improve on that.

Thanks for all the suggestions, especially pi, I've spent yesterday reviewing everything I've been advised and I hope I applied some of them
It has genuinely been an exceedingly hectic week for me.
I've added maths to the schedule thanks to tips from Dat1Guy after taking the test.
I do stuff from the year 9&10 workbook and it generally takes 1 hour to the day's work, therefore that cuts even more out of my schedule.

Anyway, the topic was
Should marijuana be legal for medicinal purposes?

I wrote this in 17 minutes.
Just for anyone that wonders, the text you will read has not been modified in any way. It's the real deal. With all the mistakes I produces while writing it.
PS: THE BRACKETS ARE MODIFICATIONS, I LIED
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The question of whether marijuana should be legal for medicinal purposes has caught the attention of doctors around the globe. The government should not legalise marijuana for medicinal purposes because other drugs can achieve the same result, more people will have access to this addictive drug and it is expensive to implement. I undoubtedly believe that we should not legalise marijuana for its medicinal purposes.

To start off, marijuana in terms of medicinal purposes is not any more effective compared to other drugs. There are plenty of less addictive and legal drugs that produce the same outcome without the negative effects of marijuana. Marijuana is highly addictive and damaging threatening users of sanity.(Yes I actually wrote damaging threatening users of sanity, I know) Marijuana works like a painkiller but it is significantly less harmful.

 In addition, marijuana will be too simple to access if legalised for medicinal purposes. This will open up gateways to potential marijuana abusers and allow for addicts to get hold of it easier. The already futile barricade of the availability of marijuana will be destroyed if the government legalises marijuana for medical purposes.

Ultimately, it will be extremely costly for the government to permit marijuana for medical purposes. The process will involve an abundance of bills from lawyers, campaigns to promote such action and most of all, cost the government lots of precious time that could easily be spent on more practicle things. Allowing marijuana for medicinal purposes will waste the time of the government.

Legalising marijuana is a poor idea because it serves little benefit as a medicinal drug, broadens accesibility of the hazardous drug and will cost a lot of time from the government. I unequivocally agree that we should not legalises marijuana for medicinal purposes.

[pi]

Again, more general comments as I don't have the time to fully mark an essay:

1) You should never use "I" (and even "we") in an analytical piece. The examiner knows it's your opinion - you're the one writing the piece aren't you? Hence, no need to use "I". You used it in your intro and your conclusion, and you're better off thinking of some other way to construct those sentences.
         I unequivocally agree that we should not legalises marijuana for medicinal purposes.
         Hence, marijuana should not be legalised for medicinal purposes."  <- yes, it doesn't have your "buzzword vocabulary" word of "unequivocally", but it's far more appropriate.

2) "To start off" is way too colloquial and casual for an essay. Maybe use "Firstly" or ditch numbering your paragraphs altogether.

3) "Marijuana works like a painkiller but it is significantly less harmful." <- not sure how that helps your argument, if anything I'd say it does the opposite. A very odd off way to end a paragraph that condemns marijuana use.

Overall, I think this is an improved piece. The vocab that was "forced" was less obvious (but still detectable!), and you seem to be on the way up!

[pixelgraphicsful]

Again, more general comments as I don't have the time to fully mark an essay:

1) You should never use "I" (and even "we") in an analytical piece. The examiner knows it's your opinion - you're the one writing the piece aren't you? Hence, no need to use "I". You used it in your intro and your conclusion, and you're better off thinking of some other way to construct those sentences.
         I unequivocally agree that we should not legalises marijuana for medicinal purposes.
         Hence, marijuana should not be legalised for medicinal purposes."  <- yes, it doesn't have your "buzzword vocabulary" word of "unequivocally", but it's far more appropriate.

2) "To start off" is way too colloquial and casual for an essay. Maybe use "Firstly" or ditch numbering your paragraphs altogether.

3) "Marijuana works like a painkiller but it is significantly less harmful." <- not sure how that helps your argument, if anything I'd say it does the opposite. A very odd off way to end a paragraph that condemns marijuana use.

Overall, I think this is an improved piece. The vocab that was "forced" was less obvious (but still detectable!), and you seem to be on the way up!

Hey pi!
Once again, I'm amazed by the truthfulness(I think that's the word?) of your comments. I completely understand why you cannot fully mark it. The change of writing every 2 days will be beneficial for both parties.(right word?)

1) Okay, so we can't use I or we, that makes sense . What about saying one. As in,
One would wonder why marijuana is such an additive drug

2) Hmmm, I've had countless teachers inform me that firstly is overused and I should use "to start off" instead. However, that does contradicts with them telling me that I should be formal in a persuasive essay. Okay, so firstly it is.

3)OMG! What, huge face-palm. 
I didn't mean to write that, I actually wrote that on my piece.
Didn't realise my huge blunder until you pointed it out. Thanks, I think if I scavenge enough time at the end to do a one minute check of the essay, I should be able to pick up tide turning mistakes like that. Gosh, that shocked me alot.

PS: I really like how systematically you address my errors.
I'm slightly OCD.

[pi]

1) Okay, so we can't use I or we, that makes sense . What about saying one. As in,
One would wonder why marijuana is such an additive drug

That is fine

[Dat1guy]

Hey Pi, I think it's school holidays for most students, so I wanted to ask how much all the stationaries nod uniforms and stuff costed for MHS
Thanks

[pi]

Hey Pi, I think it's school holidays for most students, so I wanted to ask how much all the stationaries nod uniforms and stuff costed for MHS
Thanks

Uhhh been a long time LOL

I think school fees (sport, library, random stuff) totalled to be around $1000 per year (less in Years 9 and 10, more in Year 11 and 12, quoted number was a rough average of the four years for me), if you face financial difficulties I think there might have been options too.

Stationery prices would be similar to your old school, second-hand books were available at limited supply. You may need to fish out for a new CAS calculator, MHS also uses iPads now (I have no idea if one has to pay for them or not!).

Uniform is organised by Bob Stewart, 2015 prices can be found here, again, second-hand uniform was available at limited supply through the school. Most people bought everything through Bob Stewart (or second-hand equivalent) except for getting their own shirts, winter socks, and shoes (many their own pants too) as these can be found much cheaper in your local shopping centre.

99% of people also end up using public transport to get to school, so you'll have to factor in the yearly Myki pass price which is a few hundred dollars.

Overall, more costly than your average public school. But MHS isn't just any public school

[Dat1guy]

Not bad at all actually, I life of a scholarship from a private school so that sounds pretty cheap to me
I've pretty much lost hope on getting in anyways cause everyone I know went to JACK or Henderson, and I just self studied my butt off
Was the UHS exam hard? I might try to go for that one as a backup, since my current school is very chaotic

[pi]

I only have experience with the year seven entry exam, and I can't really remember anything about it haha, it's been many years

[pixelgraphicsful]

NOTE!
I actually wrote an essay yesterday, but for some reason, AN wouldn't let me post it so here is yesterday's essay.

Hey guys,
YAY! I finally completed my creative writing.
The prompt was very, short. To say the very least, and I didn't have a single idea of what I was writing.
The ending was very rushed and the whole plot was rather confusing.
Overall, I'm really amateur at generating ideas.
Any tips on that would be great.
Also, should I start writing as soon as I get the prompt or should I think up an idea first?

Anyway, I wrote this in 15 minutes and the prompt was:
Rosaline never knew what hit her.

Well, here it is. There are lots of horrible sentence structure, probably because I was trying to think of ideas while writing.
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A pleasant Autumn guest raced past me, leaving behind was a trail of startled leaves. The sun was gradually waking up from it's groggy slumber. The sky stretched out to eternity, dotted with luscious white clouds. It was a heavenly day.

I placed down my bag on the worn out concrete blocks, appreciating the picturesque view. Lovely ravines dominated scene, unusually tranquil. After nudging myself into a comfortable position, my desire to go home vanished.

I lifted my arm and gently brushed it against my forehead. I felt weird, to say the very least. Adrenaline surged from my heart filling me with fear and energy. Drops of sweat emerged from my neck, making me tense. Something was wrong, my instincts told me. I turned my head to face the sky directly above me attempting to find the source of my fear. A flock of birds gathered on a branch above me looking extremely malicious. They seemed to be discussing something, something dire, dangerous. Suddenly, the world around me began to turn. It was as if I had spun around consecutively. Dizziness surfaced and within seconds the world was dark.

Years later, I still do not understand what occurred all this time ago.
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[COLORS]

NOTE!
I actually wrote an essay yesterday, but for some reason, AN wouldn't let me post it so here is yesterday's essay.

Hey guys,
YAY! I finally completed my creative writing.
The prompt was very, short. To say the very least, and I didn't have a single idea of what I was writing.
The ending was very rushed and the whole plot was rather confusing.
Overall, I'm really amateur at generating ideas.
Any tips on that would be great.
Also, should I start writing as soon as I get the prompt or should I think up an idea first?

Anyway, I wrote this in 15 minutes and the prompt was:
Rosaline never knew what hit her.

Well, here it is. There are lots of horrible sentence structure, probably because I was trying to think of ideas while writing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pleasant Autumn guest raced past me, leaving behind was a trail of startled leaves. The sun was gradually waking up from it's groggy slumber. The sky stretched out to eternity, dotted with by luscious white clouds. It was a heavenly day.

I placed down my bag on the worn-out concrete blocks, appreciating the picturesque view. Lovely ravines dominated scene, unusually tranquil. After nudging [try "easing"? myself into a comfortable position, my desire to go home vanished.

I lifted my arm and gently brushed it against my forehead. I felt weird, to say the very least. Adrenaline surged from my heart filling me with fear and energy. Drops of sweat emerged from my neck, making me tense. Something was wrong, my instincts told me. I turned my head to face the sky directly above me attempting to find the source of my fear. A flock of birds gathered on a branch above me looking extremely malicious. They seemed to be discussing something, something dire, dangerous. Suddenly, the world around me began to turn. It was as if I had spun around consecutively. Dizziness surfaced and within seconds the world was dark. [You can break up this paragraph. Just before "suddenly".

Years later, I still do not understand what occurred all this time ago.
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You're not supposed to capitalise season names, so the first sentence should be "A pleasant autumn [breeze?]..." Plus, you're using it as an adjective, not a proper noun.

You can delve a little deeper into the prompt, I think. Our lives are governed by laws and "logic". I would have added a supernatural element to it, and be all like "Rosaline, a firm so-called "realist", didn't know what hit her because she refused to wrap her delusional mind around it," or something. You did answer the prompt though, so no worries I guess? Showcase your imagination a bit more.

Have you tried the "imagine if inanimate objects could talk" (or something) prompt yet?

[pixelgraphicsful]

You're not supposed to capitalise season names, so the first sentence should be "A pleasant autumn [breeze?]..." Plus, you're using it as an adjective, not a proper noun.

You can delve a little deeper into the prompt, I think. Our lives are governed by laws and "logic". I would have added a supernatural element to it, and be all like "Rosaline, a firm so-called "realist", didn't know what hit her because she refused to wrap her delusional mind around it," or something. You did answer the prompt though, so no worries I guess? Showcase your imagination a bit more.

Have you tried the "imagine if inanimate objects could talk" (or something) prompt yet?

Hey COLORS,
I haven't done the one about if inanimate objects could talk. I'll do that next time but today I'll have to write persausive.

A realist is a thing! Gosh, I've never seen the word.
Yes I think a supernatural element would spruce up my writing.
I've been reading a lot of adventure and action books, trying to see how authors write and trying to figure out when some adjectives are appropriate. I've written supernatural essays before. It's a superb idea, I can easily incorporate it and it is very grabbing.

Overall, thanks for your corrections.
And your useful solution to my promplem.