MHS Writing Topics + Essays + Advice XD

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hey Guys!

Here's today's narrative piece.
I haven't got much to say about this one except that I wrote it in about 18 minutes and I think the ending is not the best.

The prompt was collated from page two of the slideshow on this site 
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures

If advice comes to mind while reading, feel welcome to post them 
Possible suggestions include stronger adjectives/verbs in replacement of the ones I've written on the essay.

Or if you just want to read a 15 minute essay with lots of effort put into it.

A small question, does the story have to follow the picture prompt completely, like if there is a ferry in the background signalling people, can the scene be bleaked?
And is bleaked a word?
And how much should the word count be, I've been approximately getting around 300 words per essay. Somebody said on AN that you need 600 in 15 minutes and I was shocked.

Here is the untouched version, as normal so any mistakes not a typo and legit errors on the essay.
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I stared at the heated mess as I shook my head in disbelief. What kind of bizarre circumstance would lead a man into sinking a car at the bottom of out lake. I began tieing some knots on the unusually new ute. It was a current model and would have cost the owner a pretty penny.

I finished securing the ropes and sat down nonchantly for a well deserved rest. The sky was crystal blue, with puffy white clouds scattered across it. The sun was slowly waking up from it's groggy sleep, its rays of warmth pecking at me gently. It was a seemingly perfect day except there was something grotesquely wrong about it. I shrugged off my dreams, thoughts and continued with my job.

OOOMPH! I managed to shift the luxurious ute by a few inches. After an hour of hard work, I observed the automobile with gratitude. There seemed to be something oddly peculiar about it. The ute was strangely familiar yet almost surreal. I approached the vehicle and reached for the handle. STOP! A voice shouted urgently, I swiftly spun around to find that the voice had come from my own head. There I stayed, staring at the car inquisitively. Finally, curiosity got the better of me and I busted the door open with an almighty kick. YAAH! I screamed, full of energy and the burning desire to learn the secrets of the car.

I performed an all out search, looking at every nook and cranny. I climbed back out slowly, there was absolutely nothing. It was just a completely normal ute. Sighing, I sat back down downheartedly. Part of me was relieved, yet part of me was angry that there was no monumental discoveries in the car.

Then I realised, life doesn't revolve around fame deprived from luck, it consists of simple things with achievements one considers to have gained.
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[pixelgraphicsful]

Hi
I wonder if anyone realises page two is out 
There have been no responses so far

On a brighter note, today's persuasive test would have to be one of the better ones of this week .

The topic was: Should college athletes be paid for playing?
I wrote the essay in 17 minutes and this is the clean version as always.
If anyone could answer the questions I posted on my last essay, that would be fantastic!

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The topic on college athletes receiving payment is an ongoing debate both in the local schoolyard and in respectable courts. Paying athletes for playin will develop a sense of responsibility, give more motivation and eases the undeniable stress on parents. For these reasons college athletes should unequivocally be paid for playing.

To start off, strapping a wage to their playing plants the seed of responsibility in a young adult. To be paid for hitting the field, college students will have to follow strict schedules. This will force them to become more responsible, leading to a better life.

In addition, being paid for playing will boost the college athlete's feeling of significance for their sport. They will then strive to be the very best and will therefore perform at their optimum, increasing their chances for a career in sports.

Ultimately, having a wage for college athletes will decrease the load for the parents. Maintaining a good status as a college athlete consumes mountains of time and dedication leaving little to no space for jobs to support themselves. Therefore, many college students rely on their parents for the roof over their head.

In conclusion, paying college athletes for playing will dramatically increase their motivation, lower the economical stress for parents and build up responsibility in the student. Paying college athletes to play is a no brainer and should be put to action immediately by the government.
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[COLORS]

Huh... I don't know how this quoting thing works...

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I stared at the heated mess as I shook my head in disbelief. What kind of bizarre circumstance would lead  convince a man into sinking his car at the bottom of a lake?

[Line break]

I began tying some knots on the unusually new ute. It was a current model and I imagined that it would have cost the owner a pretty penny. When I finished securing the ropes, and I sat down nonchalantly for a well deserved rest.

[There appears to be a contradiction here. Didn't he shake his head in disbelief before? Sitting down nonchalantly probably means that seeing half-sunken cars is the norm for him. Eh, that's what I thought while reading. ]

[Line break]

The sky was crystal blue, with puffy white clouds scattered across it. The sun was slowly waking up from it's groggy sleep, its rays of warmth pecking at me gently. It was a seemingly perfect day, except there was something strangely wrong about it. Or maybe it was just my imagination. I shrugged off my dreams, thoughts and continued with my job.

OOOMPH! I managed to shift the luxurious ute by a few inches. After an hour of hard work, I observed the automobile with gratitude. There seemed to be something oddly peculiar about it. The ute was strangely familiar yet almost surreal. I approached the vehicle and reached for the handle.

"STOP!" A a voice shouted urgently,. I swiftly spun around, only to find that the voice had come from my own head. [/b] There I stayed, staring at the car inquisitively.

[I know this is a 15 minute essay But shouldn't he be at least spooked or something? Or make an excuse that he was tired? Hearing voices and thoughts that aren't his should freak him out. I dunno, that's just my opinion~]

Finally, curiosity got the better of me and I busted the door open with an almighty kick. "YAAH!" I screamed, full of energy and the burning desire to learn the secrets of the car.

I performed an all out search, looking at every nook and cranny. I was so consumed by determination, that I didn't notice all the people passing by glancing at me oddly. When I had given up, I climbed back out slowly,. There was absolutely nothing. It was just a completely normal ute. Sighing, I sat back down downheartedly. Part of me was relieved, yet part of me was angry that there was no monumental discoveries in the car.

Then I realised, life doesn't revolve around fame deprived from luck, it consists of simple things with achievements one considers to have gained.

Perhaps that was the secret the car had so carefully guarded.
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My own MHS/MacRobs exam is coming up in a week, and honestly, I think you write better than half the people I know in year 8 applying for MHS.

If advice comes to mind while reading, feel welcome to post them 
Possible suggestions include stronger adjectives/verbs in replacement of the ones I've written on the essay.

Or if you just want to read a 15 minute essay with lots of effort put into it.

A small question, does the story have to follow the picture prompt completely, like if there is a ferry in the background signalling people, can the scene be bleaked?
And is bleaked a word?
And how much should the word count be, I've been approximately getting around 300 words per essay. Somebody said on AN that you need 600 in 15 minutes and I was shocked.

Quality over quantity.

The word count doesn't really matter in my opinion. Mostly, I write around 400 words for a creative essay. If I'm lucky and the prompt I get is good, then I usually hit 550. My tutor complained that my handwriting was too messy, though.

It's really up to you to interpret the prompt. The picture doesn't dictate your story. It's your job to carve a meaning out of it and put it down on paper. If you think the ferry in the background could play a part in your story and possibly make your essay stand out, then include it!

Why don't you take a shot at a sentence prompt, or a four-picture one?

I would try to give you feedback on your analytical essays, but afgaskfjghjsk I hate persuasive/debates.

[TheCappelienGuy]

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Try to start off with a really strong topic sentence that opens with your point of view
The topic on college athletes receiving payment is an ongoing debate both in the local schoolyard and in respectable courts. Paying athletes for playin will develop a sense of responsibility, give more motivation and eases the undeniable stress on parents. For these reasons college athletes should unequivocally be paid for playing.

To start off, strapping a wage to their playing plants the seed of responsibility in a young adult. To be paid for hitting the field, college students will have to follow strict schedules. This will force them to become more responsible, leading to a better life. I know this is only a 15 min task but try to use T.E.E.L. Where is your linking sentence?

In addition, being paid for playing will boost the college athlete's feeling of significance for their sport. They will then strive to be the very best and will therefore perform at their optimum, increasing their chances for a career in sports.Once again linking sentence.

Ultimately, having a wage for college athletes will decrease the load for the parents. Maintaining a good status as a college athlete consumes mountains of time and dedication leaving little to no space for jobs to support themselves. Therefore, many college students rely on their parents for the roof over their head.
For the last body paragraph try to include a rebuttal paragraph. The rebuttal includes a view from the opposing argument which you then relay back with a counter argument of your point of view. 
In conclusion try to avoid "In conclusion" at the start of your conclusion because it is a bit generic and it makes your writing sound simplistic., paying college athletes for playing will dramatically increase their motivation, lower the economical stress for parents and build up responsibility in the student.Good job with rewording your points in your conclusion Paying college athletes to play is a no brainer With a formal persuasive text try not to change the tone and should be put to action immediately by the government.
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Things to improve on.
T.E.E.L

• T. topic sentence
• E. evidence/explanation/example
• E. evidence/explanation/example
• L. linking sentence

The introduction needs to start off really strong it is the make or break of informative essays.
I only picked up on a few things and hopefully it will be helpful!
Thanks,
TheCappelienGuy

[pixelgraphicsful]

Huh... I don't know how this quoting thing works...
My own MHS/MacRobs exam is coming up in a week, and honestly, I think you write better than half the people I know in year 8 applying for MHS.

Quality over quantity.

The word count doesn't really matter in my opinion. Mostly, I write around 400 words for a creative essay. If I'm lucky and the prompt I get is good, then I usually hit 550. My tutor complained that my handwriting was too messy, though.

It's really up to you to interpret the prompt. The picture doesn't dictate your story. It's your job to carve a meaning out of it and put it down on paper. If you think the ferry in the background could play a part in your story and possibly make your essay stand out, then include it!

Why don't you take a shot at a sentence prompt, or a four-picture one?

I would try to give you feedback on your analytical essays, but afgaskfjghjsk I hate persuasive/debates.

Thanks so much for correcting my creative thing, I agree with what you've noted here. Definitely will try to improve on that.

Also, my handwriting is almost illegible when I write quickly, will try to find something to improve it and inform you

This post shouldn't be about me lol.
I really do hope that you perform well on the test. Anyways, I'm sure you'll do well, judging from your precise corrections

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Things to improve on.
T.E.E.L

• T. topic sentence
• E. evidence/explanation/example
• E. evidence/explanation/example
• L. linking sentence

The introduction needs to start off really strong it is the make or break of informative essays.
I only picked up on a few things and hopefully it will be helpful!
Thanks,
TheCappelienGuy

Felicitations for finding page two
I appreciate all the time you've put into correcting this essay, will definitely take a look after I finish taking notes for my previous creative writing.

And with the rebuttal paragraph, I feel so meh.
Cause I remembered that I needed it right when I finished my essay.
My tutor keeps telling me, but I just forgot.

I'm not sure how to do a linking sentence, with what you said.
Is it something like:

Reinforcing the fact that wages for school athletes will expand their sense of responsibility.

Anyway, I believe you've touched on some import things.
Thanks

Moderator action: merged posts, do not make multiple posts in a row in the future, thanks

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hey guys, I just finished today's creative essay,
the prompt was number 3 of this site
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures

I wrote this in 16 minutes so that's an improvement
However, I believe the plot is mediocre at best, flimsy at worst.
I can never generate ideas in a limited time. Any tips on that would be heavily appreciated.

Here is the untouched version as always

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"Tommy can you look after the baby while I go shopping?" I begged my son.

"Fine, but only if you pay me five dollars," Tommy answered reluctantly.

I sighed, loud enough for Tommy to hear and acknowledge my defeat. I slumped on the couch, There I sat contemplating my life. I was not a bad parent, I strive to benefit my son whenever the opportunity surfaces but he is still everything I wish him not to be. Lazy, rude and stupid, his one and only life goal is to make money. Unfortunately, I fail to envisage a bright future for him.

Standing up gradually from my thoughts, I soon grabbed my trolley and set off. It was a spectacular day, a roaring sun with a crystal clear blue sky that stretches out to eternity. Walking at a comfortable pace, I calculated how long it would take to arrive at the supermarket.

Ten minutes into my somewhat enlighting walk, I noticed a oddly familiar boy walk up to me and ask where the nearest train station was. I pointed him to the closest one and waved goodbye. I heard the boy's footsteps run off behind me. Walking along the gravel pathway, my bag felt heavier for some reason.

I released my bag and looked around for anything new. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a note. It read, dear mum I am guilty for being so nasty to you lately. Probably because I'm going through puberty. I will make up for everything I promise, I've included all my stored up money and sincerely hope you forgive me. Love Tommy.

Tears dropped out of my eye as I folded the note in my hand. I sent a prayer to the gods to wish Tommy well, my faith in him has been restored. It was a monumental moment for me, it is a memory that I will carry with me throughout my ups and downs.
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[pixelgraphicsful]

Hi everybody

Here is today's persuasive text.
I wrote it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds.
The prompt was:
Should the elderly receive free bus rides?

If anything, I believe it was mediocre but I can definitely state that I've improved from when I first started. I owe this to the constant reviews and revisions that you convivial peeps have provided. Thank you guys so much

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In our modern society, our buses play an important role in people's life. Buses establish a way of speedy, inexpensive and environmentally friendly way of getting around. The issue of whether the elderly will assist in financially supporting them, gives access to live life to the fullest and will not cost the government a pretty penny. I unequivocally believe that the elderly should receive free bus rides.

To start off, elderly people cannot support themselves. As people age, they are less wanted for jobs and cannot be as efficient compared to our youthful population. Entrenching free bus rides for the elderly will relieve them of some financial stress. Providing free bus trips for the elderly will benefit them greatly.

In addition, free bus rides will encourage old people to travel more in their final years. When one is old, many desire to see or do things they always wished to accomplish. There are many places one can access with bus service. Making bus rides free to the elderly will help them achieve a satisfying life.

A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst when we consider how little elderly people use buses and how minute the elderly population is.

Providing free of charge bus service to the ageing population will aid in financial stabilising them, let them do what they've always wanted to and will not be unfair to the public.
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[COLORS]

Hi everybody

Here is today's persuasive text.
I wrote it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds.
The prompt was:
Should the elderly receive free bus rides?

If anything, I believe it was mediocre but I can definitely state that I've improved from when I first started. I owe this to the constant reviews and revisions that you convivial peeps have provided. Thank you guys so much

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In our modern society, our buses play an important role in people's life. Buses establish a way of speedy, inexpensive and environmentally friendly way of getting around [If I were you, I'd save this for my body paragraph and say something more simple, like "buses are known for their convenience, blahblahblah,"]. The issue is whether the elderly will assist in financially supporting them, gives access to live life to the fullest and will not cost the government a pretty penny. I unequivocally [try stating your contention without using these two words. "Unequivocally" sounds a little odd. I think it'd be better to use it in your conclusion when you wrap everything up] believe that the elderly should receive free bus rides.

To start off, elderly people cannot support themselves. As people age, they are less wanted for jobs and cannot be as efficient compared to our youthful population. Entrenching free bus rides for the elderly will relieve them of some financial stress. Providing free bus trips for the elderly will benefit them greatly.

In addition, free bus rides will encourage old people to travel more in their final years. When one is old, many desire to see or do things they always wished to accomplish. There are many places one can access with bus service. Making bus rides free to the elderly will help them achieve a satisfying life.

A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst when we consider how little elderly people use buses and how minute the elderly population is. [Oh, great. You shot the argument down. ]

Providing free of charge bus service to the ageing population will doubtlessly/unequivocally? aid in financial stabilising them, let them do what they've always wanted to and will not be unfair to the public.
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Not sure about your school, but I've been taught to write formal essays in third person. I think my tutor told me to throw my books out of the window once when he found an "I" in my persuasive text?? oops

Anyway, woo. Great essay. My only concern is having a rebuttal paragraph in place of a body paragraph. I mean... all my teachers are like "you should have THREE *emphasise* body paragraphs". But I don't really know which one the examiners prefer, sooo~

[M_BONG]

Hi everybody

Here is today's persuasive text.
I wrote it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds.
The prompt was:
Should the elderly receive free bus rides?

If anything, I believe it was mediocre but I can definitely state that I've improved from when I first started. I owe this to the constant reviews and revisions that you convivial peeps have provided. Thank you guys so much

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In our modern society, our buses play an important role in people's life. Buses establish a way of speedy, inexpensive and environmentally friendly way of getting aroundawkward sentence. Perhaps reword it to: buses are a speedy, inexpensive and environmentally-way of travelling. (note: getting around is too colloquial). The issue of whether the elderly will assist in financially supporting themthis sentence makes no sense, gives access to live life to the fullest and will not cost the government a pretty pennyI don't understand this sentence. I unequivocally believe that the elderly should receive free bus rides.

To start off, elderly people cannot support themselves. As people age, they are less wanted for jobs and cannot be as efficient compared to our youthful population. Entrenching entrenching not the right word here - go for something simple if you are unsure what a word means: replace with providing?free bus rides for the elderly will relieve them of some financial stress. Providing free bus trips for the elderly will benefit them greatly.This sentence sounds contradictory - you just said it relieves them of some stress, but it would benefit them greatly? Note the difference between "some" and "greatly"

In addition, free bus rides will encourage old people to travel more in their final years. When one is old, many they may (Note: you just referred to "one" and subsequently referring to "many" is not rightdesire to see or do things they havealways wished to accomplish. There are many places one can access with bus service. Making bus rides free to the elderly will help them achieve a satisfying life.

A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst try not to throw around adjectives for no reason - be specific.when we consider how little elderly people use buses and how minute not sure if minute is the right word the elderly population is.

Providing free of charge bus service to the ageing population elderlywill aid in financial stabilising them, let them do what they've always wanted ??to and will not be unfair to the public.
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I think this piece (and your previous pieces) are average in standard. You write better creatively rather than persuasively, but overall: solid effort!
Things to note:
1. Try not to slip in a big word unless you are sure what it means. Although vocab is something they test, if you use a word incorrectly, your whole essay might not sound as good.
2. Try to be more specific in what you mean - that is, try to explain why an argument is flimsy in greater detail.

[pixelgraphicsful]

Not sure about your school, but I've been taught to write formal essays in third person. I think my tutor told me to throw my books out of the window once when he found an "I" in my persuasive text?? oops

Anyway, woo. Great essay. My only concern is having a rebuttal paragraph in place of a body paragraph. I mean... all my teachers are like "you should have THREE *emphasise* body paragraphs". But I don't really know which one the examiners prefer, sooo~

Hey!! Thanks a lot for your continuous corrections
I've looked through the corrections and understand what they mean
Hopefully, I'll spew out something better on the test

I think this piece (and your previous pieces) are average in standard. You write better creatively rather than persuasively, but overall: solid effort!
Things to note:
1. Try not to slip in a big word unless you are sure what it means. Although vocab is something they test, if you use a word incorrectly, your whole essay might not sound as good.
2. Try to be more specific in what you mean - that is, try to explain why an argument is flimsy in greater detail.

Hey, I understand what you mean about the quality standard
Your corrections feel like they came from an experienced teacher, so that's great. Thank you for the time you've put into them, I will definitely try to improve on all areas you've mentioned.

As for the vocab issue, I reread it and it did sound weird. I think I was trying not to reuse the same words. Like elderly, but that didn't turn out as well.

Finally, for the specific problem, I'm not entirely sure what you mean.
Should I have done something like this?

A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public because everyone except the elderly are forced to pay bus fees. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst when we consider that everyone will eventually age into an elderly person and enjoy these privileges.

One last thing I have a trouble with linking sentences. Many people have said that I need them in my body paragraphs but I'm not sure of what is is. If I could receive an explanation, that would be fantastic.

Moderator action: merged posts, do not make multiple posts in a row in the future, thanks

[biofreak]

I would greatly appreciate if someone could correct my essays
they are ona separate thread that sayd "essays for nossal entry "
sorry to the owner of this thread for posting !


Thank you, and your essays are really good !

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hi everybody!
Finished with today's narrative. I think I did better than normal on this piece. 
I did this in 16 minutes, and the prompt was page 5 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures

If anyone could help out biofreak, cause his in the same issue and I'm pretty sure his test is due sooner than mine
Essays for nossal entry

So here it is, the clean and untouched version
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Spreading my loveable arms across the lush greenery, I thought about how spectacular the day was. It had a dazzling summer, full of sausages and runs to the park. The sun seemed to be constantly shooting down it's gentle rays of warmth, while there had been no sign of the puffy white dogs in the air, signifying a day without rain. Today provided no exception, I stoop up after my deep contemplation smelling the enchanting flowers in my owner's backyard. I laid back down, lackadaisically on an old tree, feeling the antediluvian bark. The summer air had a distinct taste, it was a humid smell, bringing elation and energy to anyone that smelt it. Several large hot dogs perched themselves on the fence, The orange on moved out of the blue, startled I growled a warning to the suspicious fellows.

Everything was perfect, except I was hungry, I realised. I swivelled my head around back and forth in the hopes of finding some food. Aha! There it was, my next victim. It was a black and white dog, standing on his heels, carrying a hotdog. I gave a dubious growl at this peculiar dog. Then, without much thought, I spread out my paws and ran towards him. Woof! I yelled and tried yo mimik what he was doing. I crouched low and sprang up in front of the startled dog who had dropped his bone. I snatched it with all my might and ran back to the tree. The dog was obviously scared, I thought as I took a well deserved gnaw at the bone and watched him run away like a lion was on his trail.
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[COLORS]

Hi everybody!
Finished with today's narrative. I think I did better than normal on this piece. 
I did this in 16 minutes, and the prompt was page 5 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures

If anyone could help out biofreak, cause his in the same issue and I'm pretty sure his test is due sooner than mine
Essays for nossal entry

So here it is, the clean and untouched version
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Spreading my loveable arms across the lush greenery, I thought about how spectacular the day was. It had a dazzling summer, full of sausages and runs to the park. The sun seemed to be constantly shooting [Do you have a less violent word? You're describing the rays as 'gentle', so I don't think 'shooting' would be an appropriate word] down it's gentle rays of warmth, while there had been no sign of the puffy white dogs in the air, signifying a day without rain. Today provided no exception, I stoop up after my deep contemplation smelling the enchanting flowers in my owner's backyard. I laid back down, lackadaisically on an old tree, feeling the antediluvian bark. The summer air had a distinct taste, it was a humid smell, bringing elation and energy to anyone that smelt it. Several large hot dogs perched themselves on the fence, The orange on moved out of the blue, startled I growled a warning to the suspicious fellows.

Everything was perfect, except I was hungry, I realised. I swivelled my head around back and forth in the hopes of finding some food. Aha! There it was, my next victim. It was a black and white dog, standing on his heels, carrying a hotdog. I gave a dubious growl at this peculiar dog. Then, without much thought, I spread out my paws and ran towards him. Woof! I yelled and tried yto mimick what he was doing. I crouched low and sprang up in front of the startled dog who had dropped his bone. I snatched it with all my might and ran back to the tree. The dog was obviously scared, I thought as I took a well deserved gnaw at the bone and watched him run away like a lion was on his trail.
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Remember to use quotation marks when someone is talking. Or barking.

You could also split the paragraphs into smaller ones.

Overall, I agree. This is definitely one of your better pieces. Could use a bit more creativity/originality though.

[Coffee]

Hi everybody!
Finished with today's narrative. I think I did better than normal on this piece. 
I did this in 16 minutes, and the prompt was page 5 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures

If anyone could help out biofreak, cause his in the same issue and I'm pretty sure his test is due sooner than mine
Essays for nossal entry

So here it is, the clean and untouched version
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Spreading my loveable arms across the lush greenery, I thought about how spectacular the day was. It hadwas a dazzling Try to find a synonym for this. Blinding? Gleaming? summer, full of sausages and runs to the park. The sun seemed to be constantly shooting downshone; it's gentle rays of warmth Add something more. (e.g. 'beating against my skin'), while there had been no sign of the puffy white dogs in the air Good. I like this., signifying It wasa day without rain. This sentence isn't too necessary. You've already described it as a summer's day that there is no need to say it was a 'day without rain'. Today provided no exception, I stoop Does not make sense if you're writing from a dog's perspective. up after my deep contemplation smelling the enchanting flowers in my owner's backyard. Re-write this sentence. I laid back down, lackadaisically carelessly on an old tree, feeling the antediluvian Find a new word.bark. The summer air had a distinct taste, Show, don't tell it was a humid smell, bringing elation and energy to anyone that smelt it. Good Several large hot dogs perched themselves on the fence, The orange on moved out of the blue, doesn't make sense. startled I growled a warning to the suspicious fellows.

Everything was perfect, except I was hungry, I realised Show, don't tell. (e.g. your stomach growls. I swivelled 'turn' is fine.my head around back and forth in the hopes of finding some food. Aha! There it was, my next victim. It was a black and white dog, standing on his heels, carrying a hotdog. I gave a dubious growl at this peculiar dog. Then, without much thought, I spread out my paws and ran towards him. Woof! I yelledbarked? and tried yto mimikc 'imitate' might work better.what he was doing. 'his actions' - What is he doing? I crouched low and sprang up in front of the startled dog who had dropped his boneBe consistent. Above you mention him 'carrying a hotdog'. I snatched it with all my might and ran back to the tree. The dog was obviously scared Show this., I thought as I took a well deserved gnaw at the bone and watched him run away like a lion was on his trail Perhaps describe this differently..
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Good piece, relevant to the prompt. I like it. There are some details that don't aid in the progression of your story though. Keep this in mind. Every word counts when you're writing with such a limited word count. Some minor grammatical issues - make sure you allocate time to proofread. There is little use of literary techniques - work on this. Take a look at this website http://literarydevices.net/#gti_S and make note to include some devices. This will really develop your writing making for an overall stronger piece. Another very important thing to remember is show, don't tell and be consistent!

[pixelgraphicsful]

Remember to use quotation marks when someone is talking. Or barking.

You could also split the paragraphs into smaller ones.

Overall, I agree. This is definitely one of your better pieces. Could use a bit more creativity/originality though.

Hey colours!
Thanks for your continuous support and your quick tips.
I am reviewing them right now, and I absolutely agree with what you've said.

Good piece, relevant to the prompt. I like it. There are some details that don't aid in the progression of your story though. Keep this in mind. Every word counts when you're writing with such a limited word count. Some minor grammatical issues - make sure you allocate time to proofread. There is little use of literary techniques - work on this. Take a look at this website http://literarydevices.net/#gti_S and make note to include some devices. This will really develop your writing making for an overall stronger piece. Another very important thing to remember is show, don't tell and be consistent!

Hey coffee,
I find myself saying this a lot lately but thanks so much!
It really means something to me, to have someone as detailed as you correct my essay.
I really appreciate your corrections and I have undoubtedly learnt from your corrections.

Your time was not wasted marking my essay!


Hi guys!
Once again thanks for everyone's continuous support, I find myself improving a lot with you friendly bunch helping me out!

Here's today's narrative essay. I wrote this one in 15 minutes and a bit.
I was like DAAMMIT when the buzzer rand and I was on my last sentence.

Anyway, the prompt was:
Should state colleges be free?

My only concern with this piece is that I forgot to include my linking sentence I think? I don't know what it really is except that it's important

Like always, everything under the dotted line is what I actually wrote so grammatical errors are all not typos and what I actually did.
I have two main questions, if anyone can be bothered.
1. Did I start off my conclusion right? If not, what's the proper way?
2. The linking sentence issue, what is it and did I do it. If not what's the proper way?

Danke sehr!(lol, thank you but I felt like practising German)
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In our educated soceity, a state college is now an essential part of a student's life. The ongoing topic of whether state colleges be free to attend is a discussion both in the local schoolyard and in confidential meetings involving the prime minister. Free state colleges will ease the extremely high pressure on students, will not cost the government much money contrary to popular belief and is a crucial part of a person's life. State colleges should undoubtedly be free to attend.

To start off, making statue colleges free will drastically lower the amount of pressure on young students. Imagine one you just came out of college, under huge debt and unemployed how could a student possibly deal with so much financial stress at such a young age. Making state colleges free will in return make the harsh lives of college students much easier.

In addition, college is a crucial part of one's life. When one gets to college, it is not simply a place for learning, state college is a place where one mentally grows up. In college, one learns to solve problems that are encountered in real life, making college paramount. The high cost is usually why one may not choose to go to college. If we make state colleges free, we will develop more life smart students.

While some may argue that such change will bankrupt the government, one see the truth when one realise that if more people go to college, a nation will have more educated people earning more funds for the government.

State colleges should unequivocally be free because they reduce the mountain of stress young people face while learning college, educates students about how to deal with practicle problems and will not cost the government. State colleges should undoubtedly be free.