MHS Writing Topics + Essays + Advice XD

[pixelgraphicsful]

...Ripped?!

Yeah, haha. One more week! (: It's scary to think about how both of my essays have (probably) been marked by now. =3=

There's always Principal's Discretion, right?

Just googled 'ellipses'.

"The three dots are supposed to indicate hesitation, interruption, or unfinished thoughts."
I remember spamming them, and JAC didn't say anything (just got told to brush up my handwriting lol), but my sister freaked out when she saw and told me to get rid of them LOL.

"It refreshed, inspired and motivated me. Yet, I felt it was... warning me."

The ellipses don't sound wrong. Not sure if the examinors like them, though.

The "vast sea" sounds more mysterious than "waves", haha. Don't know if you've covered this in school/tutor, but try to choose words so that they match the tone you want. "Waves" evokes an image of water gently rolling onto the beach (kinda cheery??? and holiday-ish?), but the ocean is unexplored and huge. No one really knows what lives at the bottom.

Okay, I get it! 

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!

First of all, apologies to COLORS because I kinda forgot to use her (I think ) prompt and went on with the normal one which is page 14 of:
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
Also because I don't feel I thanked her enough before on the whole ellipsis issue.
Although this essay was certainly bit random in terms of plot. I wrote this in 14 minutes and 59 seconds! Bruh!!!! I was so scared when I wrote the last word since I really wanted to get it under 15 minutes and I was like YES!!

If anything, I thought I could've used better description and verbs. But, they are okay.
Anyway, here it is, tell me what you think!
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I was born to be a circus cat, I thought. The sun had just woken up from its groggy slumber, drowning the temple in rays of sunshine. I gripped my paws and streamlined my back in anticipation of what was to come.

A childish glee bursted through my body as I watched the scene below. Monks dressed in red velvets skillfully organised themselves into a perfectly straight line. Then they solemnly sat down, crossing their legs. Once they placed down their hands into their lap in a yin-yan position, the monks began to pray. The golden statues and marble floors were my stadium. The sunset was my audience, and the monks were my hoops.

I cautiously sidled over to a better viewing spot and waited pensively for what I knew was to come. Aha! The monk at the start of the line raised a tiny red hoola-hoop. Not long after, the rest of the monks did so unanimously. They were exceedingly precise, they never moved their hands, from as far as I could tell. It was perfect.

I took one last glance at the picturesque sunset and gave myself a countdown...3...2...1...GO! I lunged my body forward and silently sprinted down the temple. Adrenalin splashed my body like rays of sunshine. I was ready for anything. I watched as the first monk came closer and closer to my vision and then I jumped. I still vividly remember that ephemeral moment, I could feel the wind racing past my fur and the sun beaming across my skin. I went straight through the hoop!

I was ecstatic. I can't wait to try to that again tomorrow.
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[pixelgraphicsful]

Hey

I took a day off yesterday as some may have noticed.
I didn't however take this day off and I wrote my persuasive writing! Yay
General notes: I wrote this in 17 minutes  and the prompt was
Should girls be allowed to play on boys sports teams?
Lately I've been failing to generate decent ideas. Any tips would be fantastic!

Anyway, here it is!
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Girls should not be allowed to play on boys sport teams because there will be less competition in matches, boys may want to join girls teams and it will be fair to skilled girls.

If females are permitted to join a male sport team, there will be overall less excitement on the matches. Boys, on a genetic level, are stronger than girls. Although this may not apply to all people, this advantage is very apparent in almost all places. Boys teams were created so audiences can enjoy a more action filled match. Hence, girls should definitely not be accepted into any boys sport team.

If girls are able to participate in boys sport teams, the vice versa might be encouraged. Once the public sees a seemingly entrenched rule be broken, citizens may rail about why boys should be able to enter girls sport teams. There are obvious downsides in that it will give teams a disadvantage in games. These include increased distraction, less co-operation and less input from the team. Therefore, girls should not be allowed to play on boys sport teams.

Although one may argue that some girls are more skilled than boys, and thus, it will be fair for them to play on boys sport teams. However there is one fundamental flaw in the argument. If a girl is so skilled that she can outplay boys on a sport team, she would much rather participate on a girls sport team where she will dominate, instead of being above average on a boys sport team. Hence accomplished girls will not join boys sport teams.

Females should undoubtedly not play on males sport teams because there will be less intensity in matches, promote negative thinking and will not be unjust to proficient girls.
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[pi]

You're not going to like this feedback, but it needs to be said

As a general comment, in "male vs female" topics (and in life in general I guess), it's important to not try and sound like a sexist:
- "If females are permitted to join a male sport team, there will be overall less excitement on the matches"  <- I can't see any female examiner appreciating this sentence
- "Boys teams were created so audiences can enjoy a more action filled match. Hence, girls should definitely not be accepted into any boys sport team." <- yeah look, pretty sexist and misguided view here LOL. are female netball teams (for example) not also created for audience enjoyment? or are they just not "action filled" and enjoyable in your view?
- "there will be less intensity in matches" <- as above, are you saying female matches aren't as intense for them?
- "These include increased distraction" <- is this because of attractiveness of the opposite sex? are humans that perverted? what are you trying to say here?

Some parts didn't really make sense or weren't well explained:
- "less co-operation and less input from the team" <- how so? what does that even mean? males and females co-operate in the general work-place well, why would sport be any different?
- "and it will be fair to skilled girls" <- did you mean 'unfair' perhaps? very confused here

Haven't read your essays in a while, but I can see "forced" vocab again. eg:
- "Once the public sees a seemingly entrenched rule be broken, citizens may rail about why boys should be able to enter girls sport teams." <- none of your other sentences read in this sophisticated way, it sounds really weird because this is so
- "Females should undoubtedly not play" <- 'undoubtedly' isn't a great word to use here, and I'm pretty sure you've used it in previous pieces too

Overall, and with all due respect, I don't feel this is a good response.

I think there were some decent ideas in there, eg. "boys being inherently genetically advantaged", but you spun the argument to be against girls, ie. "hence girls would be a burden on the boys and the audience", instead of advocating for fairness and safety for the girls or something along those lines.

If I were you, I'd do some research (including watching an Australia vs New Zealand netball match, should be on tonight I think!) and re-write this piece and see how you go. Much to think about!

[Dat1guy]

Yeah, like pi said, it's a difficult argument of women and men sports, might need quite some study by actually watching them instead of just personal opinion and quick google searches to get some reasonable arguments

Your argument should, while also appealing to males, appeal to females, your text was very one sided in the matter and might seem very biased, by only pointing out the very obvious of evidence and flaws. Not only time limit is important, but the evidence you give, an evidence not many people notice can be very strong while something just about anyone with a working brain can find won't give you many marks
This might have been brought up in the past while I was away but some of the vocabulary seems kinda forced, I can see it has gotten much better now from the last time I read one of your essays but it still lingers here and there sometimes simple is better than having a word that just feels out of place, even when you read books they make sure they don't have an excessive amount of difficult language to ensure an easy read and allowing people to understand easier.
Also a personal tip, try agreeing against the norm sometimes if you can quickly think of a few ideas, examiners might be impressed by seeing something they won't usually and get a surprise, I wasn't able to do this with my one In my exam since the argument we got was about having better food labelling and I would seem like an idiot living under a rock if I disagreed to that, but just my personal tip
GL in your exam

[pixelgraphicsful]

You're not going to like this feedback, but it needs to be said

As a general comment, in "male vs female" topics (and in life in general I guess), it's important to not try and sound like a sexist:
- "If females are permitted to join a male sport team, there will be overall less excitement on the matches"  <- I can't see any female examiner appreciating this sentence
- "Boys teams were created so audiences can enjoy a more action filled match. Hence, girls should definitely not be accepted into any boys sport team." <- yeah look, pretty sexist and misguided view here LOL. are female netball teams (for example) not also created for audience enjoyment? or are they just not "action filled" and enjoyable in your view?
- "there will be less intensity in matches" <- as above, are you saying female matches aren't as intense for them?
- "These include increased distraction" <- is this because of attractiveness of the opposite sex? are humans that perverted? what are you trying to say here?

Some parts didn't really make sense or weren't well explained:
- "less co-operation and less input from the team" <- how so? what does that even mean? males and females co-operate in the general work-place well, why would sport be any different?
- "and it will be fair to skilled girls" <- did you mean 'unfair' perhaps? very confused here

Haven't read your essays in a while, but I can see "forced" vocab again. eg:
- "Once the public sees a seemingly entrenched rule be broken, citizens may rail about why boys should be able to enter girls sport teams." <- none of your other sentences read in this sophisticated way, it sounds really weird because this is so
- "Females should undoubtedly not play" <- 'undoubtedly' isn't a great word to use here, and I'm pretty sure you've used it in previous pieces too

Overall, and with all due respect, I don't feel this is a good response.

I think there were some decent ideas in there, eg. "boys being inherently genetically advantaged", but you spun the argument to be against girls, ie. "hence girls would be a burden on the boys and the audience", instead of advocating for fairness and safety for the girls or something along those lines.

If I were you, I'd do some research (including watching an Australia vs New Zealand netball match, should be on tonight I think!) and re-write this piece and see how you go. Much to think about!

Hey pi!

There are those moments in life when one realises a huge fail. LOL I think I've come across one of them. Although you might expect this, I am not sexist but I do believe the essay I wrote was heavily biased and misguided. I apologise for any offended viewers.

I'll take your advice and re-write this piece using fair arguments, nevertheless I can't confirm that it will be much better than this one in terms of quality since it is 6 in the morning. However, I will put all my effort into it.

On a brighter note, anything besides being sexist was tweaked and configured, only the curse of the forced language remains. 

Thanks!

[pixelgraphicsful]

Yeah, like pi said, it's a difficult argument of women and men sports, might need quite some study by actually watching them instead of just personal opinion and quick google searches to get some reasonable arguments

Your argument should, while also appealing to males, appeal to females, your text was very one sided in the matter and might seem very biased, by only pointing out the very obvious of evidence and flaws. Not only time limit is important, but the evidence you give, an evidence not many people notice can be very strong while something just about anyone with a working brain can find won't give you many marks
This might have been brought up in the past while I was away but some of the vocabulary seems kinda forced, I can see it has gotten much better now from the last time I read one of your essays but it still lingers here and there sometimes simple is better than having a word that just feels out of place, even when you read books they make sure they don't have an excessive amount of difficult language to ensure an easy read and allowing people to understand easier.
Also a personal tip, try agreeing against the norm sometimes if you can quickly think of a few ideas, examiners might be impressed by seeing something they won't usually and get a surprise, I wasn't able to do this with my one In my exam since the argument we got was about having better food labelling and I would seem like an idiot living under a rock if I disagreed to that, but just my personal tip
GL in your exam

Hey Dat1Guy!
Good to see you back on the forum, I suppose its because of your results that will arrive soon. Be sure to tell us how the story ends (metaphoric). 

As I replied to pi, I completely agree that the essay was extremely misguided and sexist. I have never encountered a male and female discussion sort of persuasive writing, so once again I apologise for my ignorance. I will try to counter this by sifting through news and generally reading more persuasive essays I think.

The forced writing is more faint but definitely apparent would be my say on the matter. I'm starting to read again and in fact, I just finished "The Clockwork Scarab" by Colleen Gleason. Ironically, it's a detective novel instead of sherlock holmes and stoker, they have pretty much the female versions of them.

Anyway, thanks for commenting and I hope you get into MHS/Nossal/Suzanne!

[pi]

I'll take your advice and re-write this piece using fair arguments, nevertheless I can't confirm that it will be much better than this one in terms of quality since it is 6 in the morning. However, I will put all my effort into it.

No 12 year-old should be waking up at 6am for anything other than Saturday morning sport LOL

Tips next time you wake up this early:
1) Go back to sleep
2) Or, turn on some cartoons (is Toasted TV still a thing?) and smash em out while chomping on brekky
3) Do not do any study, save that for after school after a cheeky dose of ABC Kids. Never study for the sake of it, it's nonsensical to be writing an essay at 6am, it's never going to be close to your best work.

Cheers.

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!

I'm sure quite a few people know about my sexist essay. As aforementioned, I am definitely not sexist. I haven't come across a topic that discusses females and males and I apologies for any offence I've caused. I can promise you that this won't happen again.

It does seems like however, that I'm on the right track. I say this because the comments were generally about how misguided and biased my essay was not about how the essay was structured or stuff like that. So kudos to the forum for helping me reach this point. However, I may be wrong and pi and Dat1Guy may have just left that out either accidentally or purposely.

So, since I've promised to pi, and my mum is telling me to "read some chinese". I decided to rewrite the same essay but using a just approach for both sexes.
Also, just in case you didn't know, the prompt was:
Should girls be allowed to play on boys sports teams?
I hope it was worth it
(>‿◠)✌
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls should not be allowed to play on boys sport teams because it will be unfair to the girls, create tension for both sides and doing so is unnecessary.

If females are permitted to play on boys sport teams, they will be disadvantaged. It's a proven fact that at a genetic level, boys are built to be stronger than girls. Sport is a form of physical activity and females will be heavily disadvantaged if they are allowed to join a boys team. Aside from major disadvantage, boys have a tendency to be more rough in sports. Although injury is inevitable present in almost all sports, girls may suffer more if placed on a boys team. Hence, girls should definitely not be allowed to play on boys sport teams. 

In the event that girls are allowed to join boys sport teams, tension will be created. Many sports such as football, rugby, basketball and wrestling involve physical contact. It is an undeniable fact that some if not most people find awkwardness in contact with the opposite sex. Training sessions may be less efficient if members are hesitant to play normally. Therefore females should not be able to enter boys sport teams.

Letting girls play in boys sport teams is uncalled for. Just like most things, exceptions do apply to the arguments. Some girls simply do not care that they may get injured or be disadvantaged in a game. In that cases, the direct solution should be to let him or her join a mixed team. Mixed teams are a team where both sexes are permitted to join. Thus there is no need for girls to be allowed to enter boys sport teams.

Females should not be able to join boys sport teams because they will be handicapped, doing so may lower a team's performance by creating tension and a more practical solution is already existent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congrats for reading through it. I sincerely apologise if it is still sexist, I tried really hard to make it fair and just to both sexes. Tell me what you think!

[pi]

Had a quick skim through, looks much improved, well done

[Dat1guy]

GOT AN OFFER INTO MELBOURNE HIGH DOTHGBG,SIQIVODQNFG VID, W

I dunno how to react

[pi]

I dunno how to react

I'd say, accept the offer

[Dat1guy]

Best tip I've had in my life

[pixelgraphicsful]

GOT AN OFFER INTO MELBOURNE HIGH DOTHGBG,SIQIVODQNFG VID, W

I dunno how to react

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WOOOOOO! HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!

I've decided to skip today's creative writing piece because I have a huge science test tomorrow and I am studying/cramming for that. Pat on the back for time management I know.
Anyway, after the elation (used correctly?) from many AN users over the test results, I don't think putting out an essay would be appropriate. Ignore my lame excuse.

Congrats to everyone that did the test!