Hi there,
I was wondering if you could mark my context essay (: My exams are in less than a week in 4 days in fact ):
Well then, hoping this is in time to help you 
I would really appreciate your feedback, and feel free to criticize! I never take it personally, and if there are major things that's wrong (like the structure or my discussion or something) please let me know!
That's great! I'm always scared I'm waayyy too nasty with my feedback...Thank you so much!
Prompt: “The way in which we view ourselves may not be the way others see us”
I'm highlighting 'dodgy' sentences – ones that don't quite make sense or I think the point isn't very clear – in blue. Also for some reason I decided to pick on grammar a bit, I don't normally 
.It is
inevitable as human beings, that we are unable to fully comprehend others, let alone ourselves. However, what we perceive as our reality does give very faint glimpses
honestly, is this true? Don't you think we have more than 'very faint' glimpses of who we are? of who we are, and how to choose to project ourselves in the world often
gives image of which we seem as. Who we are,
cut out comma – you don't need to 'pause' while reading that, so you don't need a comma is influenced both by our exterior reality – our appearances, environment and social status- as well as our interior reality – our personality traits and attitudes towards life. However, our identity is very often disfigured by our emotions and feelings before logical assessment, and we as humans,
cut out comma cannot but view ourselves in the most favourable way possible.
Often, this can lead to confusion of identity for self as a result of multiple contradicting realities, but also to others, and this muddled image of someone can often cloud our loved ones from realising who we are in essence. In addition, even with the aid of mental processes and past experiences, we often hold a misleading image of our identity, and for others, who are most definitely devoid of these first-hand experiences, are bound to make even more false idea of other people’s sense of self. Sometimes, when others make a highly prejudicial impression of us just through our external appearances, it often impairs
them their ability to accurately judge us.
I understood that sentence and like its point! Good! But sometimes this may be the most accurate among our many perceptions of us, without the human condition of being triumphed by emotions rather than logic, which we less share when judging others, rather than our own.Although it is likely that we all have different identities for different environments or settings, when those realities become merged together and become interchangeable frequently,
it induces hindrance for others to view a person in the way they view themselves. In Robert Drewe’s memoir, The Shark Net
comma it is apparent that cut out any 'waffle words' that don't add anything his father’s dual identities cause confusion in Robert during his adolescence and adulthood. Royce abides by strict moral codes in appearance such as waiting for the newspaper “the Mirror” to arrive so that he could “burn” it immediately before it attracts the attention of his children as well as “pulling the plug” out when a sexually provocative scene or advertisement appears on T.V. However, this behaviour is highly contradicted when he “turns his head” to “check..out” an attractive woman walking past their car, as well as giving a ride to a woman on his car (and throwing a “row” when Rob “chattily mentions” it to his mother)
too much evidence; pick out a couple of major things and draw stuff from them, avoid listing too many textual details in context. However, it is evident that Royce views himself as the head of the family, that protect
s their family from exterior harm – such as the National Geographic magazines featuring “Bare-breasted” women from the Amazon- when in actuality, the real source of destructiveness is himself – “the slap, the running feet, the slamming bedroom door”
don't have a clue what this quote has to do with anything? If you put it in, explain it. Remember that trying to mash too much into one sentence tends to force you to cut out explanation. Be willing to split things into two shorter sentences. Evidently,
it is often
that our egocentrism manipulate
s our reality of who we are by diminishing our faults and instead amplifying the little self-sacrifices and attention we pay to those around us. Subsequently, this can render others to be unsure about our identity, and
may even become avoidant as the result of seeming hypocritical. For others to judge our identity, possessing dual identities is an obstacle that may cloud how others view us.
Probably too much quoting; different people like different things, but I think it's overdone. Just a few per paragraph, for context. (However, you have definite skill with embedding nicely!We, as human beings are riddled with emotions and past experiences in forming our present reality, and in turn an idea of whom we are. Commas again. Try reading your sentences out loud and think where you pause. Would you read, 'We as humanbeingsareriddled...'? If you pause after the 'we', you must pause after the 'human beings'; or you can do neither. Plus - what are you even saying there? I totally have no clue. And thus, reading this paragraph, I don't totally get what it's all about and trying to prove/discuss. Even with the
vast resources of our own mental processes as well as being able to re-live through the precise emotional experiences, it is often true that we do not realise who we are ourselves. With our identity ever-changing and
so lucid even to our own self, it becomes more difficult for others to put together an identity that is presented to others, who only have registered appearances, and handful second-hand tales
of other’s life experiences. In Enduring Love, when Jed keeps harassing Joe with love confessions and the connections they share, Joe has no choice but to inform Clarissa of his existence- his obsessive behaviour stalking him to a library, and waiting for him outside his apartment. However, Clarissa is unable to feel the urgency of the situation, the fear that Joe feels about what Jed wants from him-“But what do you actually want from me? Or with me”– and instead laughs it off, commenting that Jed might have a “crush” on him and that it’s a “joke”, a “funny story “to tell friends.
too much textual detail/storytelling – the point is the ideas you draw out, not a rehash of the story Individuals often have difficulty sharing similar emotional experiences with another, even with a loved one
commaand this can further widen the
gap they perceive on each other’s identity. When Joe worriedly tells her about his day and how he thinks that Jed had stalked him to the library (having sighted the “red lace[ed]” same shoes), Clarissa cannot believe him – “But you didn’t see his face?”-
cut this quote, it doesn't add anything to your ideasand as the novel progresses, she perceives him as making up false stories and living in a delusion. Although Joe believes himself to be rational and precise
as a science journalist– with his occupation being a science journalist – it is clear that Clarissa’s thoughts are not the same. Joe
becomes to question himself, and unsure about his identity and his decision makings. Often, being different people, it is unavoidable that we cannot fully understand or experience exact events other have, and this increases the difficulty to understand others. In addition, our perception of our experiences can take a marked turn with emotions and by making high-fetched assumptions mostly based on our feelings can render us to lose our credibility to others and further increase the differences on how we view ourselves, and how others perceive us.
looonnnnggg sentence – cut it in two, and explain what you mean (e.g. what do you mean by 'emotions', what sort of emotions and how do they impact it?) And never finish a paragraph with an 'in addition' sentence, because it looks like you're trying to cram/glue something quickly on the end without unpacking it.Sometimes, the basis of why others may view us differently is not only because of our inner realities – our personality shifts and
disinability to comprehend our feelings- but more
towards our exterior realities of our appearances and our background. It is true that, defying the cliché of “don’t judge a book by its cover”, we do somewhat make an assumption on a person’s character and identity by their appearances, their environment and their social status. However, it is when our prejudicial decisions overpower, and we fail to see a person’s real content, that may
result in the occasion that we have conflicting opinions of each other against how we view ourselves. In the Shark Net, Eric Cooke is an individual who is a victim of the society’s prejudices and judgement that later made him turn against his community. Being
of a person who yearns to mingle and socialise with people, it is clear that instead he had been scorned and laughed at his harelip which made it difficult for him to clearly pronounce his words. Having been called “bird mouth”, rather than who he thinks he is – “Joe Cool”, he develops a dislike for the Nedheads girls, calling them “snobs at Nedheads”. When he swims in the river, in an attempt to look more “cool”, it is only Cooke who thinks this- when in reality, he is just a strange person bathing in the middle of the night in the river.
Waaayyyy too much textual description. Try: In 'The Shark Net', Eric Cooke's view of himself as 'Joe Cool' contrasts society's prejudicial views which label him 'bird mouth'. When he swims in the river in an attempt to look 'cool', only he himself thinks this – to others, he is just a strange person night-bathing in the river. Interestingly, even though our personality is changing – albeit slowly- our physical features are usually stagnant for long periods of time, such as scars and eyes.
Interesting; I like this point. I reckon a good idea you could have discussed is that people put us into 'boxes' and then keep us there. Our identity is fluid and changing, but other people tend to have a rigid view of us based on what we once were – if we said something 10 years ago, they may think we still believe it. I mean, kids have to constantly re-evaluate people round them because they keep hitting new information. But as we get older, we start to think we know it all so we keep people in boxes – we think of them the same way we did a month ago, or a year ago, or 10 years ago. You could mention how this is becoming a bigger issue, it was different a few centuries ago – with more oral communication, people would forget the past and be more likely to re-evaluate people; but now when what we wrote five years ago is freely available on the internet (hell, when I read the stuff I wrote a few months ago as a newbie round AN…!) people will judge us on that, without thinking how much it's changed. OK that was kinda long, just my random ideas . When others concentrate on our physical appearances, rather than our inner content, they may inaccurately judge us, and having our appearances as the basis of their perception their opinion, too may become stagnant. With our inner reality conflicting with our exterior shell, we often become victims of prejudice or first impressions which contradict or are far from our real identity.
I really do like what you've said towards the end of this paragraph. Deep stuff.How others view us, and how we would want to be viewed as is inevitably different
, as being part of the human condition no, the words 'human condition' don't guarantee good marks! 
. We are unable to completely sympathise or understand even our loved ones at times where first-hand experiences are crucial to understand a situation properly. We are also unable to realise who we are ourselves, what we want out of life or what our paths are in life, although we may have a faint idea of them smoothed out by our sense of logic and rationality. Driven by our egocentrism, we centre our attention onto an image of how we would like to be viewed as, rather than who we are in essence. Others, in order to uphold their false, public identity go through severe measures, such as having multiple identities, and risk of a rift between families. Perhaps,
it is only natural for our view on our own identity with respect to how others view us to be different, and even crucial in the aspect that the different opinions of ourselves offer an opportunity to learn more about our true identity and eventually pave paths to our self-actualisation.
I LOVE this last sentence (that is, the part after the blue) – a beautiful finish.Thank you (: (:
Welcome!
To improve>
Clarity. Too much fluffy stuff that sounds really high-flying and nice, but doesn't totally make sense, or loses and confuses the reader, or maybe just hides the fact that you don't actually know what you're saying. Try writing a couple of essays in good plain English, that really try to communicate exactly what you're trying to say without sounding fancy.
> Your
sentences are too long with too many clauses/chunks glued together. Cramming too much into a sentence forces you leave some components unexplained, and confuses the reader. You use dashes - like this - too often (as a way of pushing in extra side information). Chop sentences in half to keep your reader following you and understanding, and vary sentence length/structure (some long, some short - makes for a more interesting read).
> Too much textual detail and quotes. There's a lot of plain description, listing and storytelling; think of the text purely as a springboard for ideas. Everything you say should have a clear purpose - never just list more details to show off your knowledge or quotes. Only put in totally relevant details, and make sure you then draw something from them. Don't just move like this: ideas -> text -> ideas with no link between them.
> You need external examples, I assume you've seen
this thread?
> I found it difficult to follow your flow at times, because I got quickly confused by your sentence structures. Thus I don't quite know even now what you discussed. I think you could possibly benefit from deeper brainstorming of the prompt though - asking as many questions about it as you can from different angles.
Good already> some pretty deep discussion and great ideas there!
> good knowledge of the texts and great quote embedding
> excellent vocab
And more, but I'm really bad at the 'good already' section because I'm better at picking flaws
I think this is great for year 11, but as you see there are a few things to improve on (especially clarity, in my mind).
All the best with your exam! Let me know with any questions!
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