Whose reality practice piece advice pleaseee? :))

[_inspire45]

Hi guys!

So, I started writing in response to the prompt below (it's not finished, it's only about 3 paragraphs) and was wondering if someone could give me some advice. i'm not sure whether the idea is right and if the language is of good level. I actually don't really know what to expect of myself (I'm in year 12 2016).

I'd appreciate any feedback on how i could improve to make it a very good response.

Thanks! 

2014 VCAA Whose Reality prompt: Misrepresenting reality can have serious consequences

 ‘Reality is defined as the state of things as they exist, opposed to the idealistic or notional idea of them’ and is that which remains unchanged through eternity like no other. The idea of indulging oneself in a world of unreal, euphoric fantasies is often an excuse to escape the harsh, daunting nature of reality in this world. More often than not, we skew our lenses and limit our perceptions to that which is beautiful and enthralling to us. We create small, magical worlds of our own that only exhibit the bright, enchanting facets of human life. As we mesmerize in this beauty, we become oblivious to the harsh realities which would have otherwise been recognisable. Creating such a barrier between reality and idealism, the bleak truth and captivating yet illusionary dreams can amass dire consequences that can lead to one’s own misery. However, there are also the times when crafting such satisfying worlds of our own can give us a reason to live, a reason to anticipate the odds of experiencing bliss of some sort; and protect us from the dangers of the world in which we reside.

The notion of building our own rosy path to our convenience exemplifies the narrow mindedness of human nature. When we are challenged by the dark, sombre facets of reality, we cringe, only to entangle ourselves back into the labyrinth of our trivial illusions. This idea is epitomized in the film, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller by the character of Willy Loman, who constantly denies the harsh, objective reality is blinded by his own irrational, superficial desires that he believes will take him to the highest happiness. Ostentatious and ambitious as he is, Willy uses his sons, Biff and Happy, as tools to bring him success in society by compelling them to take on ‘big’ businesses despite their disinterest. Willy Loman is portrayed to take extraordinary measures to any extent in order to quench his burning desire of becoming the ‘greatest’, ‘biggest’ man in history. His inner contempt and inability to accept his identity, forces him to take on such an ambitious and delusional character that is often so, looked down upon by his fellows. Biff constantly discards Willy’s conditional affection and finally, expresses his disinterest towards fulfilling his father’s ambitions. This leaves Willy Loman rather vexed and dissatisfied at his life’s condition and finally decides to shut himself from both, the daunting reality of his fate and from the world of hysterical, yet distorted perceptions. This misery leads to the death of a discontented, unhappy soul.

Plato’s Cave explores this idea in detail as it illustrates captured prisoners living in a deserted cave whereby when liberated, are simply unable to decipher the reality and complexity of this world at once. As the free prisoner returns to the cave to show his fellow prisoners this sight, they resist. Accustomed to a reality inside their cave, they cannot accommodate themselves to comprehend and acknowledge the existence of other realities. Similarly, drawing on to Death of a Salesman, Willy Loman entangles himself in a trap of such fantasies, constantly envisaging himself as being ‘well liked’ in society and antagonizes his sons to take on a ‘big’ role, only to find himself creating negative energies around him. The state of illusionary madness often masks our outlook of the world and the more we submerge ourselves in the waters of delusionary, irrational ambitions and greed, we do not realise how far we have moved away from the shore of reality.  Willy, thus, creates conflicting relationships with his family members, subsequently leading to his own misery as he ends his life in a shocking, unexpected manner.

[_inspire45]

Please, it doesn't take long LOL 

[teacher28]

Some things to think about:

Avoid telling your reader how you are defining the key words in the prompt. Rather, show this by paraphrasing as you interpret the prompt and explore its implications.

Pare down and tighten up expression.

Make sure the subtle nuances of your chosen vocabulary fit the context in which you are using it. (I am not referring to the task context, but the way you use the words…)

Plato’s Cave is rather clichéd – choose something fresh and original.

Avoid storytelling.

I like your sincerity – it is obvious that you want to excel.

[sprout]

Just be careful when referring to the text.
The reading that I took and the one that I was taught was that Willy commits suicide, not because he is miserable due to his delusions, but because he's really happy after he realises that Biff still loves him. Willy wants to give Biff the insurance money he thinks he'll receive from committing suicide to represent how much he loves Biff.

It might be a good idea to read the newspaper to gather more ideas to incorporate into the essay. It's a bit text heavy at the moment. But that's fine since it's only the start of the year and you have heaps of time to get more info!!

[_inspire45]

Thank you both for your replies! I really appreciate it.

Thanks 'sprout' for clearing up bits of the plot and 'teacher28' for correcting some mistakes of mine (including using cliched examples such as Plato's cave). I'm going to fix the stuff you mentioned.

Also, in terms of the language, is it generally meant to be more sophisticated or simple or is it mainly the ideas that matter? Sorry, I'm a bit lost.

Can anyone recommend any good 'whose reality' resources to get more ideas from?
Thanks

[heids]

Also, in terms of the language, is it generally meant to be more sophisticated or simple or is it mainly the ideas that matter? Sorry, I'm a bit lost.

Clarity is, to me, the most important, and if you're just putting in a big word to 'sound big' then that's bad. Why?
- you may use it clumsily so it sounds worse than a simple word would
- the sentence can get complicated and hard to understand, 'diluting' or 'hiding' the meaning

But, if you're putting it in because it's a more precise word (for instance, 'incompetent' or 'malicious' or 'morally dubious' rather than 'bad' which is very vague) or to reduce repetition of simpler words, that's great!  Used sparingly and with meaning, big words really do look brilliant.  It's about finding that sweet spot, which you get through practise and reading.  (More detail here)

Have you checked out literally lauren's external examples thread?

[EspoirTron]

Just three things I'd point out on a brief read:
1. Avoid beginning your essay with a definition - or, just avoid defining too many terms explicitly. If you want to give your spin be a bit more implicit rather than saying "Reality is defined as...."
2. Avoid absolutes such as "The notion of building our own rosy path to our convenience exemplifies the narrow mindedness of human nature". There are other ways to phrase this rather than just being absolute.
3. Don't let the text form the majority of your paragraph. Use the text as a springboard/evidence and let it back your ideas, rather than it forming the crux of your paragraph.

All in all, I think the piece flows well, but just be careful with your choice of words as there are instances in which the vocabulary detracts from the meaning.

[_inspire45]

Thank you for your advice!

EspoirTron: Just a clarification, you know how you said don't be absolute when you're writing, but if you're not absolute or definite about your argument wouldn't that bring your essay down (because it'd be too vague) ?

How would you phrase that sentence ?