Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

[elysepopplewell]

Wow! Thank you so much, you have helped me heaps! X

Woohoo! Perfect! Glad to hear it

[cmaatouk]

Hey Fam!
Can you please look over my discovery short story and please give me some feedback like is there enough discovery and if it has enough techniques and is it effective enough etc. Thank you!

The earthy smell of freshly ground coffee beans can only do so much to soothe my racing thoughts. I haven’t been in Wynyard since I graduated from La Trobe University. The most important lesson I learnt there is to only trust myself, because if you trust anybody else they’ll eventually betray you. It’s just human nature. Eve never should have trusted the snake and eaten the forbidden fruit. The only way to stay out of trouble is to trust your instincts. Life tried to teach me this early in life, but I ignored the signs. Have you ever had a friend that knew everything about you and you were willing to do anything for, only to discover they’ve been tearing down your armor with the purpose of leaving you vulnerable to a stabbing in the back? Since then, I’ve been building up my armour, pushing everyone away so I’ll never be betrayed again. The only way to protect yourself is to have that armor. One so strong no knife can penetrate it. But I didn’t always know this. I expected so much from others because I was willing to do so much for them. But the greater your expectations the greater the inevitable disappointment.
I sit in the back corner of the familiar café, my gaze drawn to the front door as the bell rings. My body freezes as my life lesson walks in. I’d recognise that stuck up nose anywhere, even if it is hidden under layers of foundation. My blood begins to boil after the initial shock of seeing her. I fist my hands, digging my nails into my palm. Mika was my best friend at uni. But after what she did to me, I was hoping I wouldn’t run into her.

                  *   *   *
“Hey Mika, are we still going to the Ivy this weekend?”
“Yeah of course babe, I wouldn’t ditch you. Oh, by the way, drinks are on me. I owe you after that last assignment. Thanks heaps for sending me what you wrote. It really inspired me.”
“Of course, you’re my best friend, I trust you.”
We link arms and head into our next lecture. Mika knows how much I care about uni and my determination to do my best. Although she never used to care about school, she is learning to share my passion to strive for success. We’ve gotten into the habit of doing everything together at uni, from lectures to tutorials. Things couldn’t be better for my friendship. We are practically sisters, I tell her all my secrets, but she’s still learning to open up to me.
My thoughts are interrupted by the loud thump of the heavy lecture theatre door. The Headmaster strides in, his face stern. Something about the way he walks across the hall rubs me the wrong way. He whispers to the lecturer who’s face contorts in shock.
“Mika Kunis, please come with me to my office.”
My heart races, I turn to Mika who stiffly leaves the lecture, not even acknowledging me.
I sit for the rest of the lecture on the edge of my seat. But before we finish, the Headmaster comes back and asks for me. A lump in my throat prevents me from answering, I simply nod and shoving everything in my back weakly stand up, shaking like a leaf. Sweat beads my hands, I flex them nervously at my side, armoring myself for the battle.
As we’re walking I see Mika coming the other way. She glances my way, but her eyes seem to stare right through me, her shaped eyes reminding me of a snake. It makes my gut sink, and I imagine hiding my face behind a helmet.
The Headmaster invites me to have a seat in his office. I feel like rushing out, but I have to accept the chair.
“Miss Silverton, does this paper look familiar to you?”
He slips a small bundle of papers across the table. I immediately recognise it.
“Yes, this is my assignment which I handed in only a few days ago.”
“I see, and did you copy this assignment from your friend Miss Kunis?”
My body freezes, my mouth like sandpaper. My fists clench tightly and I imagine myself slipping on steel gauntlets. I should have known better.
“No! No I would never copy. I sent her my work because she asked to see it and I thought that she would never copy me. We’re… we’re best friends.” The last sentence seems to hang awkwardly.
“I understand Miss Silverton, it is clear that Miss Kunis has plagarised your work as she has never submitted an essay of this quality. However, under the La Trobe University Integrity Policy this clearly amounts to an act of collusion. The issue is although you did not have the intention of Miss Kunis copying you, we have repeated time and time again not to share your work.”
My head bobs up and down but his words don’t sink in. Mika copied me. Mika lied straight to my face.
“The consequence of your actions may result in an immediate expulsion,” my head snaps up, a gasp escapes my lips. “However, this will be decided by the Disciplinary Committee.”

                  *   *   *

My mind sinks back into reality. I was lucky to get away with a warning, and a reminder to armor up and always stay on my guard. I regret not confronting Mika and asking her why. I could never bring myself to speak to her, my armor too heavy, pulling me down.
But I want to make her own up to what she did. I want to make her admit that she had wronged me. I want an apology. I want to be able to take this armor off and feel the fresh air on my skin and not be afraid of the consequences.
I push my chair back with a screech determined to find her, but it only takes a moment to realise that the war was already over. She’s gone because I had done too little too late. I let her strip down my armor again long enough for me to scratch at a scab and reopen an old wound which should have been left to heal. 
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” ~Shannon Alder.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Fam!
Can you please look over my discovery short story and please give me some feedback like is there enough discovery and if it has enough techniques and is it effective enough etc. Thank you!

Hey there cmaatouk! Welcome to the forums!! 

Thanks for posting your creative. Unfortunately, we require that every user has 5 ATAR Notes posts for every essay/creative they'd like marked. So 1 creative needs 5 posts, 5 creatives need 25 posts, etc. This is to ensure that the service remains accessible and attainable for active members of the ATAR Notes community. Feel free to hang around the forums, ask some questions, say hey in our chit chat thread, and build up your post count! Then just pop back in and let us know when you meet the threshold. Thanks in advance!! 

[elysepopplewell]

Hi Elyse! Hope you are feeling better!

Just wanted to thank you for marking my script, as always AN goes above and beyond the feedback my teachers give me 

I've made comprehensive edits to the narrative in line with your recommendations, trying to make the connections clearer and a little less convoluted and crazy. I've highlighted the parts where edits have been made - the stimulus (a picture) is also included which may help you to understand the saturation in religious allusions!

Any suggestions in being able to adapt the piece to unseen and, well, secular or non-religious stimuli would be helpful as i sorta feel i'm limiting myself, would appreciate your thoughts

Please take a look when you have time, thankyou once again!!

Thank you so much for your well wishes and your patience! That is a very religiously charged stimulus and I just don't think it emulates a stimulus that they would use in the HSC, they usually stay away from obviously religious references. But, nonetheless, you've got a really cool piece inspired by the stimulus!

Spoiler

Silence. As it always did, the boardroom seemed to eviscerate any trace of sound. The senseless chitter-chatter of workers was drowned out by this work of God, this safe haven. For this temple of solace served as my beginning, my Genesis.

“Hiss” rears the snake’s ugly head.

I pinch myself until my forearm bleeds. My Eden, so long hidden under a facade of solitude and serenity, falls away from under my feet like some rusty iron boardwalk. My heart leaps into my throat as the realisation is driven home by the unceremonious “twang” of the heavenly Cloud’s bow.

Blinded by perspiration, my hand reaches for the elevator’s smooth handlebar as it begins its descent. My knuckles whiten as I tighten my grip, my hands erupting in sweat. Like a submarine, I was sinking - but suspected the elevator was not the sole perpetrator of the crime. This is a lot more clear than it was previously! A lot!

“You’re fired”. Never had a phrase been so perfectly apt. For the match had been lit; the blaze within my heart ignited amidst the lift’s impenetrable darkness. Like a photograph, I had been framed, left for the world to stroll past and ridicule at their leisure. Who was the catalyst for my exodus? Why me?

Every man considers himself loyaI until he is exposed to the irresistible fruits of temptation. The dual-headed snake had succeeded in his satanic plight, gifting me Judas’ conscience. The covenant, my hope and my faith, lies in tatters on the brown panelled floors of the elevator. The guilt of my betrayal would haunt me for the rest of my days.

Breath escapes me in short gasps. Was the heat expanding? The metallic cage of transportation was surely overflowing with baptismal fires (baptism of fire by the way, hope this is ok?).  Ahhh I see your connection with this one now. Best to get a second opinion on this, it didn't click with me until you suggested it in the brackets but it just could be because I'm not very familiar with that phrase.Thrown amidst the volcanic wreckage of the unknown, I am Dante. But in this secluded exile, my line of sight envisions no paradiso. Is it an illusion? Or are the sauna like walls encroaching upon me?

Outside is no better. As quickly as the internal fire was kindled, it is doused by the unrelenting rain. A cold trickle of water slithers down my spine. My suit, much like my reputation, is unsalvageable.

My stomach churns as a sickening worm of doubt enters. Why did I choose this decrepit path? Was I not ready? The disappointed drip-drop of the sleeting downpour spurs me on to seek answers. Seek forgiveness. Seek retribution.

Ambition. Knowledge. Were they the seeds of wisdom the bible Perhaps a capital for Bible?could not provide me? Were they the Genesis of the devil?

The worm slithers and squirms, but is ultimately devoured by the snake within.

“Hiss” rears the snake’s ugly head. I really like the use of "ugly" here. We teach to use better words than the ordinary, but this works so blatantly raw. I love it.

The path ahead is foggy; the saddened clouds disguise my view. I must never have left the elevator, for I am submerged under indescribable doubts. In a city of millions, of designated signs, pathways and maps, I am hopelessly lost.

The saturated delta of my arch-like thumb stumbles across the weakened spine of an untended book, haphazardly engulfed by my box of office possessions. I begin to rub the accumulated dust between my thumb and its neighbouring index.

In an instant, darkness.

The subzero climate of the sprawling metropolis is replaced by the unforgiving purgatorio of the desert. The balmy wind forms an alliance with the coarse yellow sand, joined in their judgement. I could taste the mockery in the pure, unadulterated air. My arm extends, looking hopelessly for the faintest trace of truth and forgiveness; that i may be able once more to see.

“Hiss” smirks the snake.

Was this not just a momentary respite? A pure fantasy? I live in the real world. A realm of torrential rain, rolling thunder and broken dreams. A secular locale wherein you will find no confessional to take flight from the inescapable clutches of desire and temptation that so encompassed my hubris.

The snake is nowhere to be found, but neither is the covenant. Neither is my flame. Neither is my God.

I feel myself being disassembled, with the most valuable part taken away, and the remainder put up for auction to the highest bidder.

My wandering nails attempt to pluck the desert’s crystals as they encrust my eyelids. A blinding ray of light welcomes me back to the realm of vision. Evaporated is the impregnable torrent of water threatening to overwhelm each of my bodily extremities. I fall to my knees, longing for a trace of truth and honesty. I wish for the day of Judgement, if such a thing truly exists, if only to ease the agony of helplessness.

A voice. Rich. Undulating.

I cannot discern each phrase from the next. My legs beg to differ, knees burning as my muscles protest in agony. My body screams as the flame re-enters, but I no longer feel the pain.

The rain’s hell is the flame’s paradiso.

My hand clamps on His, transferring the trust I believed to be extinct.


Damascus awaits.

This is so much better! You've made it a lot tighter, it's a joy to read. It's cryptic but engaging, so I'm never feeling like I want to give up because I don't know exactly what is happening, I'm just waiting for the moment I do! Which, I do realise at the end!

Let me know if this is correct: Protagonist loses job, protagonist feels completely lost and sinking. Then we see an increase in allusions, an increase in the references. The protagonist continues to question their circumstance but with an intruding power of a greater force. Eventually, the protagonist meets the hand of God and they walk hand in hand, down "the road to Damascus" which symbolises the conversion?

Let me know if this is how you see your story. If I'm telling you something I see in your story that you aren't intending, you can ask me why I see that and I can pinpoint where I see it so you can consider adjusting.

With a very complicated story, comes a need to be meticulous in every detail so that the story unravels in perfect time. You've done an awesome job with editing this. I think this is the best editing job of the year!

If you don't mind my asking, how did you become so well versed in Biblical allusions? Are you raised a Christian, or did you study specifically for this? I'm always encouraging students to search for authenticity, which you have truly nailed, so if you aren't raised in the deeply Christian environment, then I'm very keen to know how you made this work for you!

[elysepopplewell]

Rest up Elyse!! Being sick is no fun at all
If you or anyone else has extra time I'd love if you could take a look at my work! I've just written it and would love a fresh pair of eyes to read it and see if it makes sense and speaks to them before I submit it to my teacher.

Hello! Thank you for your well wishes and patience

My thoughts are in bold font in the spoiler below, and then I'll leave a comment at the end

Spoiler

Another month, two weeks and three days, you think to yourself as you laboriously clean the whiteboard. 48 more days of arts ‘n’ crafts, heads-up-thumbs-down I always thought it was "heads down, thumbs up"? and storytime and then you can finally be on your way to cherries and pistachios on the couch and reruns of Grey’s Anatomy with your over-sized belly. 47 days after today, you think.
    ‘Good morning Miss Applebee,’ the children chime in perfect sing-a-long unison as the bell rings. You put on your biggest, widest smile but you feel that little swoop again, hear the echoing singularity of Miss like the hissing of a coiling snake, a very pregnant single snake. Even King cobras stay to help raise the young of the world’s most poisonous snake, you realise morosely as you catch sight of the National Geographic posters hanging around the classroom.
    ‘Is everyone ready for their show-and-tell?’ you ask, knowing full well that every child is too excited for show-and-tell Friday to forget to bring their objects. A mad scramble to their cubbies ensues as they reach for their photos and toys and picture books. You keep a wary eye on them, making sure they don’t bring in anything sharp or toxic. The other staff still gossip about how Karen was let go because a girl had brought in scissors and had cut hair off her classmates. Personally you don’t think it was Karen’s fault, but apparently the girl with the bald patch had lawyers for parents and besides, everyone knows the school is in debt because of the budget cuts. You tell yourself that as long as nothing goes wrong they can’t sack you and they have no power over your maternity leave and they can’t touch the $657 per week you’ll be owed.

Angelica is first to volunteer. She brings out a shoebox from which she takes out two Barbie dolls.  The girls in the class coo appreciatively over the plastic toy as she boasts about how they’re limited edition and real "real expensive" is more colloquial than "really expensive" - and because it isn't the first person narration reading this, I think you should stay out of the slight colloquialism,expensive. You shudder internally at the thought of raising such a brat and wait impatiently for four minutes before you assertively remind her that time’s up and its Jimmy’s turn now. She sulks at being interrupted and insists her object is far more interesting than Jimmy’s pet rock. Jimmy blushes deep crimson while the class laughs at him and he just stands there as still and as ashen as the rock he’s holding.
    You gently ask him where it’s from.
    “It’s…it’s from my parents’ garden,” he stammers, unconsciously rubbing the angry red splotches that cover his skinny arms.
    You should have known to be more sensitive. More careful. More alert. But the hormones get to you and you ask him why he keeps a rock from his parents’ garden.
    ‘Because they’re dead.”
    A hush falls over the classroom like the wave of a tsunami. The air is pregnant with a bloated silence, for in the void of sound the shallowness of their childish conversations lay bare. You unconsciously seek your abdomen for reassurance and you are just about to offer your condolences when Angelica breaks the blanket of sound.
    ‘Grimmy –Jimmy! Jim’s the Grim!’
    The class hesitantly giggles, unsure of what else to do.
    ‘That’s quite enough, Angelica,” you chide her. “No more arts ‘n’ crafts for you today.”
    Her angry eyes flash first in retaliation at you but then you see her glare at Jimmy, who sits cross-legged with all the blood drained from his face. She whispers to her friend, takes something out of her shoebox and nods in his direction.
    You relax, thinking this brief lapse of conflict is over, and send the children out to play.

When you supervise children, it’s like watching a younger, happier version of yourself roam free. No bills, no mortgage, no groceries. Just child’s play. You’ve often wondered why it is we have children in the first place. And you’ve come to the conclusion that at some point in our lives we realize realise, *we screwed up. Irreparably. So we want to start again. And have children. Little versions of ourselves we can scold and nurture and feed and tell them to achieve what we could not. Succeed where we could not. Someone to get it right this time around. Your hand protectively drifts to your middle and in the midst of the skipping and giggling and chasing of the noisy children you silently promise to do everything you can to give him a better life, even without his father.
    A tentative hand taps your elbow. Your eyes swivel down to find Jimmy, who is shorter and scrawnier than others his age.
    “I think they’re trying to poison me,” he says matter-of-factly, holding an empty packet of one of those silica gel packets you find in products to keep them dry.  The ‘DO NOT EAT’ glares warningly from the packaging, but in his other hand Jimmy holds a sandwich with tiny, almost invisible beads you can only see because he has picked the bread apart.
    Your heart thumps quickly as your mind skims through its memories of where these packets belong. Handbags, jewelry, heels…shoeboxes.  Jimmy stares up at you expectantly.

 You’ve always hated confrontation. You hated it back in sixth grade when Sophia didn’t pay back the money she borrowed from you, or when you asked Tom to be your formal date, or that day you asked the boss for a pay rise. It just isn’t in your nature. But when a young boy stands before you, asking for help, you just can’t say no. So your eyes search for Angelica. You catch the long, golden ponytail that shines even from here and you take a step closer to her, ready to berate her, put her in her place once and for all…but then you see the sun glint unmistakably on the covertly hidden patch of skin where hair used to be and you stop dead in your tracks and think about yourself. And what this means. And what it could mean.
    So you turn back to the boy who’s staring desperately at you and you tell him not to worry about it; it was only child’s play. A silly joke. No harm done. And you see what little light remains in his eyes go out like a light bulb bursting and you’ve disappointed him like everyone else in his life and you want to fix it for him, truly you do, but you also know you really need that money and can’t afford for anything to go wrong. So all you can do is offer him a hug which he dodges and you can only watch as he runs away from you like the plague.

   At lunchtime the Year 4 teacher offers to watch over your students so you can have a minute to yourself and eat for the two of you. The staff room is quiet except for the low drone of the microwave and the ticking of the clock so you have nothing to distract you from what happened earlier today. As you dig into your pumpkin soup with a hunger you didn’t realize realise* you have, you ponder on how you’re going to make it right for Jimmy because you know what you did was wrong. But just as you reach the end of your soup you find these tiny, almost invisible beads in the dregs of pumpkin and you nearly heave up everything in you. Your hand shakes as badly as your grandmother’s arthritis as you find the number for the Poisons Information Centre.
    “Hello, how can we help you today?”
   “Are…are those silica gel packets toxic?”
    “No madam, the granular silicic acid is non-toxic-“
    “-what happens if you’re with child?” you interrupt.
    “With child? Oh dear…I’ll have to check with a doctor on that one, let me put you on hold.”
    And as you wait your panic rises and your vision blurs and you see Jimmy looking through the window of the staff room and you know once and for all, this isn’t child’s play.

I did not want to interrupt this story for a single second. I was completely enthralled. I think the second person narration works for you 100%! It is so strong in engaging the reader. I was forced, in the most artful way, to understand what this teacher was going through.

Your writing has so much character. I think, again, the second person narration works so well because it creates a distance so that I'm guided on a story, not forced to be a part of it. I'm invited. There is only one structural flaw I want to suggest. I believe that most teacher's know if there is a child in their class that has deceased parents. So when she asks about the parent's garden, I think it becomes a structural fault in the piece. And, seeing as the people marking your work may be teachers, it might stick out to them as a little peculiar. Of course, your story is brilliant overall, but you don't want to give a marker any little thing to latch on to and leave them with an unpleasant after taste - although this is a really small thing. Maybe it can be as simple as the boy saying that he keeps the pet rock because his parent's don't play with him. Or something like that. This adds early on to his psychotic nature. Dammit Jimmy! Such a creepy little boy. You painted him perfectly when he suggested someone tried to poison him. I could see his character perfectly.

In terms of discovery, we discover that Jimmy is crazy. There is a physical discovery found there. Although I immensely enjoyed your story, how do you think you will incorporate a stimulus that prompts a spiritual, emotional, intellectual discovery, or a discovery that is intensely meaningful?

If it requests that you talk about discoveries as being transformative, I think you could add a little something extra at the end to flesh out the reasons behind Jimmy's behaviour, like you're doubling back through the events to see where this could have been prevented, what you, as a teacher, could have done.

I'm raising this not to frighten you, but just to get you thinking about this early on so that you can make these adaptations while you are in the early stage son your work

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every creative piece posted below this mark  The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone! 

[elysepopplewell]

Hey Elyse/Jamon i was just wondering if either one of you could take a look at my creative writing piece any corrections would be greatly appreciated thank you in advance

Hi! Did you see the feedback on the previous page? Scroll back on page on this thread and you have feedback! It's the 9th post from the top. Let me know if you have any questions!

[marynguyen18]

oh sorry i didn't see it ill take a look at it now thank you Elyse!

[studybuddy7777]

Hi All!!
I'm just wondering if you could mark this (preferably before my trials on monday  ) and give the amazing feedback you also do!
Some general questions:
1. Do I change tense too much?
2. Is this the appropriate text type?
3. Does it flow well?
4. Is this a good creative piece for an Advanced student doing Discovery?
5. I know I need a better conclusion, do you have any pointers on how to improve it and avoid cliches?
6. Is this long enough? Im seeing some of the creative pieces on here and mine looks so short
Please also check any grammar/spelling mistakes.
Just some info: I planned for 10 mins and wrote for 30 upon viewing an unseen stimulus.

Thank you

Aos creative writing (under 40 mins exam conds)
In the bottom of the box lay an old dog eared photo album of a life much happier and complete than this. When he had no cares in the world, perfectly healthy with his friends coming around to do such trivial things like kicking a ball or egging his least favourite teacher's car. Back in the days when he was young, wild and free.
As he filtered through the photo album, the crinkling of pages reminded him about how many tears he had shed over them. As he reminisced of the times, the photos came to life in his memory. He saw his third person self stoked that he had topped the class in English, a proud face when he went up to receive his award for his efforts. There were a few darker moments where he didn't look happy about the marks he had achieved from early secondary school. Looking back on them, he had to ask himself why he was so worried about such petty things.

On the last page of the album sat a sleeve full of documents and writings; nothing that could be classified a picture. He looked through them carefully and as he was flicking through some and reading others it was if they were made of gold. Shiny; help of newly formed and shed tears, long sought after but hard to find and even harder to lift.

He heard movement and shut the album with a snap so quickly he spooked himself. He quickly started repacking the other things into the box, amongst them being his favourite book from primary school, a letter, his last in fact, from his biological mother and father and his teddy bear. His bear heavy as lead as the intensity of the wondrous memories came flooding back to him. His teddy was always there for him when there was no-one else and it stares at him now with the soft, forgiving eyes of a mother. He could have sworn it nodded and winked at him as he placed him gently back into the wooden box, careful not to rip his teddy's arm any further than it already was due to the many years of love and affection. It was like the teddy bear understood he had moved on from him quickly, and was perfectly okay with it. The footsteps come down and the stairs creak and moan from overuse and age. A moment of indecision of whether to greet them or hide from them. As the intruder comes around the corner, he slowly comes to the realisation that it is not a real person but his mother's spirit advising him to keep calm and carry on, a poster he had once stuck on the back of his door, which remained there until he could no longer do what it instructed. His mother's smiling eyes look down on him and she whispers something in his ear that immediately puts him at peace and makes him feel better. The spirit of his mother is already receding, almost gone and he wonders to himself if it was actually real. Then he tells himself it does not really matter. When the spirit fades, he has a strong urge right then to go back to the park where he and his dad used to play when he was a kid. His dad used to carry him on his shoulders and he would pretend to be flying, and truly believed then that anything was possible and he could do anything he put his mind to.

[As he goes outside for the first time in what feels like ages, a warm breeze wraps around him like a hug and warms him up from the inside. As the sun shows it peak between the two buildings he comes to the understanding that he cannot just simply wait it out, head in the sand and hope it goes away. The only way to move on is to keep calm and carry on, just like his mother told him to.]

[kamstermac0312]

Hey, i would greatly appreciate it if someone could mark my discovery creative

I know it is currently 1300 words, i need to cut it down but first would like feedback on it as a whole

Thanks

[studybuddy7777]

Hey, i would greatly appreciate it if someone could mark my discovery creative

I know it is currently 1300 words, i need to cut it down but first would like feedback on it as a whole

Thanks

Hey kamstermac0312, welcome to atarnotes forums!! Im sure youll love the notes and feedback offered here! However.. Jamon has recently changed the posting requirements.

So unfortunately youll have to accumulate 14 more posts. But fortunately, there is a "make your first post" that counts as a post, lots of forums on different topics. If you ask a question, that counts. If you answer a question, that counts. If you provide any advice that counts.

Youll get those few more posts in no time!!

Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every creative piece posted below this mark  The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone! 

[elysepopplewell]

Hi All!!
I'm just wondering if you could mark this (preferably before my trials on monday  ) and give the amazing feedback you also do!
Some general questions:
1. Do I change tense too much?
2. Is this the appropriate text type?
3. Does it flow well?
4. Is this a good creative piece for an Advanced student doing Discovery?
5. I know I need a better conclusion, do you have any pointers on how to improve it and avoid cliches?
6. Is this long enough? Im seeing some of the creative pieces on here and mine looks so short
Please also check any grammar/spelling mistakes.
Just some info: I planned for 10 mins and wrote for 30 upon viewing an unseen stimulus.

Hey there! It just so happens that I'm online as you posted this, so the feedback is fairly immediate! In your exam, try to cut down that planning time to 5 minutes max. The difference that you can make in that extra five minutes of writing is potentially an entire plot twist! Answering number six of your questions...this is a short creative. That doesn't mean its bad, but I think it is a reflection of your ten minute planning time. If you struggle with planning a creative on the spot, try and see if you can buy time in the unseen text section of the essay section to give you some more space here. Don't sabotage your other marks, but if you have a strength somewhere, try give some of that love to your creative. The criteria for a marker doesn't specify a length, so you're not in trouble there. The only reason you'd be cutting yourself short is that you are just literally giving yourself less wiggle room to show your stuff. Some people will write 1200 words of pure greatness, some people will write 1000 words, 750 of which are good, and some people will write 600 words of incredible writing. It totally depends. But, the more you write, the more chance you give yourself to gain the extra marks. But this is only true to a certain extent of course. Ok, enough about length, and let's see the actual work

Spoiler

In the bottom of the box lay an old dog eared photo album of a life much happier and complete than this. When he had no cares in the world, perfectly healthy This doesn't link smoothly. Are you saying, "When he had no cares in the world, he was perfectly healthy, and he has friends come around to do such trivial things..."with his friends coming around to do such trivial things like kicking a ball or egging his least favourite teacher's car. Back in the days when he was young, wild and free. Because "young, wild, and free" is a cliche term, I'm inclined to ask you to substitute at least one word in the trio to something more original, that adds a unique aspect to your work.
As he filtered through the photo album, the crinkling of pages reminded him about how many tears he had shed over them. As he reminisced of the times, the photos came to life in his memory. He saw his third person ?? Not sure what this means? self stoked that he had topped the class in English, a proud face when he went up to receive his award for his efforts. There were a few darker moments where he didn't look happy about the marks he had achieved from early secondary school. Looking back on them, he had to ask himself why he was so worried about such petty things.

On the last page of the album sat a sleeve full of documents and writings; nothing that could be classified a picture. He looked through them carefully and as he was flicking through some and reading others it was if they were made of gold. Shiny; help of newly formed and shed tears, long sought after but hard to find and even harder to lift.

He heard movement and shut the album with a snap so quickly he spooked himself. He quickly started repacking the other things into the box, amongst them being his favourite book from primary school, a letter, his last in fact, from his biological mother and father and his teddy bear. Just review this sentence and see how jarred it is because of the punctuation. Perhaps we could look at it more like this: "He quickly started repacking the other things into the box. Among them was his favourite possession from primary school, a teddy bear and a letter from his biological parents. The last letter from his biological parents." <<We could even emphasise the "the last letter..." by putting it on its own line below. This shows a comfort in manipulating form! His bear was as heavy as lead as the intensity of the wondrous memories came flooding back to him. His teddy was always there for him when there was no-one else and it stares at him now with the soft, forgiving eyes of a mother. He could have sworn it nodded and winked at him as he placed him gently back into the wooden box, careful not to rip his teddy's arm any further than it already was due to the many years of love and affection. You've got a very powerful sentence, and then there's this large chunk on the end. I think the large chunk is great, don't get me wrong, but when it is paired with the first half of the sentence it appears like a dead weight. Consider adjusting the phrasing and giving it its own sentence It was like the teddy bear understood he had moved on from him quickly, and was perfectly okay with it. The footsteps come down and the stairs creak and moan from overuse and age. I'd drop a line here to bring suspense to the story! A moment of indecision of whether to greet them or hide from them. As the intruder comes around the corner, he slowly comes to the realisation that it is not a real person but his mother's spirit advising him to keep calm and carry on, a poster he had once stuck on the back of his door, which remained there until he could no longer do what it instructed. I'm going to suggest a rephrasing of this, because, like the last sentence I commented on, we are cramming too much in to a sentence which means the second half isn't as appreciated as the first half. "As the intruder comes around the corner, he slowly comes to the realisation that his mum's spirit is advising him to keep calm. The spirit brings to mind the red poster on my childhood door: "Keep calm and carry on." The mantra remained on the door until it no longer could be followed in all its simplicity." His mother's smiling eyes look down on him and she whispers something in his ear that immediately puts him at peace and makes him feel better. The spirit of his mother is already receding, almost gone and he wonders to himself if it was actually real. Then he tells himself it does not really matter. When the spirit fades, he has a strong urge right then to go back to the park where he and his dad used to play when he was a kid. His dad used to carry him on his shoulders and he would pretend to be flying, and truly believed then that anything was possible and he could do anything he put his mind to.

[As he goes outside for the first time in what feels like ages, a warm breeze wraps around him like a hug and warms him up from the inside. As the sun shows it peak between the two buildings he comes to the understanding that he cannot just simply wait it out, head in the sand and hope it goes away. The only way to move on is to keep calm and carry on, just like his mother told him to.]

I think this flows well, because I was never caught thinking "wait, how did we get to here?" But, as I pointed out above, there are times when the sentences just flow for too long. This isn't an uncommon problem, let it be known! It is so tempting to write something like that in exam conditions, because you're just trying to get down as much as possible in that short time that you forget how long your sentence already is!

The discovery is there, but I think it could be enhanced. I'm not sure who the intruder is? Perhaps we could ground the story in a setting, explaining why he  was going through the photos? If you give purpose to the protagonist going through the photos, then it seems more than just a coincidence that the spirit arrived in that time. Perhaps describe him as incredibly frail, or in his deathly days, but make it more than just age. Is he about to die? Is it the anniversary of his parent's death?

Then answer questions like, why is this about biological parents? Because it isn't explained who his non-biological parents are, it is just as effective to imply that the parent's died young in a car accident or something like that. So your story flows well, and the tense isn't a problem, but it is more just about beefing up the bones of the essay earlier on to bring a level of cohesiveness in to the story. You just need to tie it all together to enhance the discovery!

I kind of have an idea that perhaps they were all in a car accident, a boating accident, or something like that, when he was young. And he isn't actually an old man now, but perhaps just a 25 year old. His parents died, and he became severely disabled. This way, he is battling with a depression about living his life. As he sorts through the photos, he finds a renewed confidence. Then, the conclusion can stay as is, but it is enhanced because the disabled man is now walking, because he is guided by the spirit of his parents.

This is a suggestion, it doesn't need to be taken on board completely! I think your work has all of the elements in place, it's just about putting meat on the bones now to make it a stellar effort! What do you think? Hopefully this makes some sense!

[studybuddy7777]

Hey there! It just so happens that I'm online as you posted this, so the feedback is fairly immediate! In your exam, try to cut down that planning time to 5 minutes max. The difference that you can make in that extra five minutes of writing is potentially an entire plot twist! Answering number six of your questions...this is a short creative. That doesn't mean its bad, but I think it is a reflection of your ten minute planning time. If you struggle with planning a creative on the spot, try and see if you can buy time in the unseen text section of the essay section to give you some more space here. Don't sabotage your other marks, but if you have a strength somewhere, try give some of that love to your creative. The criteria for a marker doesn't specify a length, so you're not in trouble there. The only reason you'd be cutting yourself short is that you are just literally giving yourself less wiggle room to show your stuff. Some people will write 1200 words of pure greatness, some people will write 1000 words, 750 of which are good, and some people will write 600 words of incredible writing. It totally depends. But, the more you write, the more chance you give yourself to gain the extra marks. But this is only true to a certain extent of course. Ok, enough about length, and let's see the actual work

Spoiler

In the bottom of the box lay an old dog eared photo album of a life much happier and complete than this. When he had no cares in the world, perfectly healthy This doesn't link smoothly. Are you saying, "When he had no cares in the world, he was perfectly healthy, and he has friends come around to do such trivial things..."with his friends coming around to do such trivial things like kicking a ball or egging his least favourite teacher's car. Back in the days when he was young, wild and free. Because "young, wild, and free" is a cliche term, I'm inclined to ask you to substitute at least one word in the trio to something more original, that adds a unique aspect to your work.
As he filtered through the photo album, the crinkling of pages reminded him about how many tears he had shed over them. As he reminisced of the times, the photos came to life in his memory. He saw his third person ?? Not sure what this means? self stoked that he had topped the class in English, a proud face when he went up to receive his award for his efforts. There were a few darker moments where he didn't look happy about the marks he had achieved from early secondary school. Looking back on them, he had to ask himself why he was so worried about such petty things.

On the last page of the album sat a sleeve full of documents and writings; nothing that could be classified a picture. He looked through them carefully and as he was flicking through some and reading others it was if they were made of gold. Shiny; help of newly formed and shed tears, long sought after but hard to find and even harder to lift.

He heard movement and shut the album with a snap so quickly he spooked himself. He quickly started repacking the other things into the box, amongst them being his favourite book from primary school, a letter, his last in fact, from his biological mother and father and his teddy bear. Just review this sentence and see how jarred it is because of the punctuation. Perhaps we could look at it more like this: "He quickly started repacking the other things into the box. Among them was his favourite possession from primary school, a teddy bear and a letter from his biological parents. The last letter from his biological parents." <<We could even emphasise the "the last letter..." by putting it on its own line below. This shows a comfort in manipulating form! His bear was as heavy as lead as the intensity of the wondrous memories came flooding back to him. His teddy was always there for him when there was no-one else and it stares at him now with the soft, forgiving eyes of a mother. He could have sworn it nodded and winked at him as he placed him gently back into the wooden box, careful not to rip his teddy's arm any further than it already was due to the many years of love and affection. You've got a very powerful sentence, and then there's this large chunk on the end. I think the large chunk is great, don't get me wrong, but when it is paired with the first half of the sentence it appears like a dead weight. Consider adjusting the phrasing and giving it its own sentence It was like the teddy bear understood he had moved on from him quickly, and was perfectly okay with it. The footsteps come down and the stairs creak and moan from overuse and age. I'd drop a line here to bring suspense to the story! A moment of indecision of whether to greet them or hide from them. As the intruder comes around the corner, he slowly comes to the realisation that it is not a real person but his mother's spirit advising him to keep calm and carry on, a poster he had once stuck on the back of his door, which remained there until he could no longer do what it instructed. I'm going to suggest a rephrasing of this, because, like the last sentence I commented on, we are cramming too much in to a sentence which means the second half isn't as appreciated as the first half. "As the intruder comes around the corner, he slowly comes to the realisation that his mum's spirit is advising him to keep calm. The spirit brings to mind the red poster on my childhood door: "Keep calm and carry on." The mantra remained on the door until it no longer could be followed in all its simplicity." His mother's smiling eyes look down on him and she whispers something in his ear that immediately puts him at peace and makes him feel better. The spirit of his mother is already receding, almost gone and he wonders to himself if it was actually real. Then he tells himself it does not really matter. When the spirit fades, he has a strong urge right then to go back to the park where he and his dad used to play when he was a kid. His dad used to carry him on his shoulders and he would pretend to be flying, and truly believed then that anything was possible and he could do anything he put his mind to.

[As he goes outside for the first time in what feels like ages, a warm breeze wraps around him like a hug and warms him up from the inside. As the sun shows it peak between the two buildings he comes to the understanding that he cannot just simply wait it out, head in the sand and hope it goes away. The only way to move on is to keep calm and carry on, just like his mother told him to.]

I think this flows well, because I was never caught thinking "wait, how did we get to here?" But, as I pointed out above, there are times when the sentences just flow for too long. This isn't an uncommon problem, let it be known! It is so tempting to write something like that in exam conditions, because you're just trying to get down as much as possible in that short time that you forget how long your sentence already is!

The discovery is there, but I think it could be enhanced. I'm not sure who the intruder is? Perhaps we could ground the story in a setting, explaining why he  was going through the photos? If you give purpose to the protagonist going through the photos, then it seems more than just a coincidence that the spirit arrived in that time. Perhaps describe him as incredibly frail, or in his deathly days, but make it more than just age. Is he about to die? Is it the anniversary of his parent's death?

Then answer questions like, why is this about biological parents? Because it isn't explained who his non-biological parents are, it is just as effective to imply that the parent's died young in a car accident or something like that. So your story flows well, and the tense isn't a problem, but it is more just about beefing up the bones of the essay earlier on to bring a level of cohesiveness in to the story. You just need to tie it all together to enhance the discovery!

I kind of have an idea that perhaps they were all in a car accident, a boating accident, or something like that, when he was young. And he isn't actually an old man now, but perhaps just a 25 year old. His parents died, and he became severely disabled. This way, he is battling with a depression about living his life. As he sorts through the photos, he finds a renewed confidence. Then, the conclusion can stay as is, but it is enhanced because the disabled man is now walking, because he is guided by the spirit of his parents.

This is a suggestion, it doesn't need to be taken on board completely! I think your work has all of the elements in place, it's just about putting meat on the bones now to make it a stellar effort! What do you think? Hopefully this makes some sense!

Firstly thanks so much for replying so quickly!!
Secondly, it never fails to amaze me how many implications you can draw from such a short piece
You hit the nail on the head in bold, but I just have to be careful because writing about disability, depression and death is a minefield and so many people do this badly and just comes off like teen angst
(At least that is what my teacher told me. My teacher also told me to plan for 10, write for 30 for a creative writing).
I'll get the sentences fixed up but do you consider me memorising this after I get it all sorted? Eg answering the above questions youve given me?

Your feedback is truly amazing and it all makes sense!
Thanks again!

[elysepopplewell]

Firstly thanks so much for replying so quickly!!
Secondly, it never fails to amaze me how many implications you can draw from such a short piece
You hit the nail on the head in bold, but I just have to be careful because writing about disability, depression and death is a minefield and so many people do this badly and just comes off like teen angst
(At least that is what my teacher told me. My teacher also told me to plan for 10, write for 30 for a creative writing).
I'll get the sentences fixed up but do you consider me memorising this after I get it all sorted? Eg answering the above questions youve given me?

Your feedback is truly amazing and it all makes sense!
Thanks again!

You're 100% correct that death, disability, etc is a bit of a minefield. I think with the right delicacy you can do it. The main trouble with this topic comes about when someone who has never experienced any of it, writes emotively about the implications. A simple one sentence reflection of the implications of such a thing is fine and not crossing any line, and I think the nature of your work allows for that very simplistic but meaningful moment. Perhaps you don't have to even say what kind of accident the family was involved in, but potentially just allude to an event that took your parents and left you like a hermit. Which is another idea, perhaps you don't have to be physically hurt, but you've reclused from society because it all seems too dangerous?

I think if you can adjust this to beef it up, then committing it to memory is not a bad idea at all. That means that you'll be able to use as much of the 40 minutes as possible, only spending a few minutes to work out what needs to be adapted in order to suit the stimulus. Of course, you don't need to remember it word for word, but just becoming comfortable enough with it so that you can respond to the stimulus, without wasting too much time trying to think of what to write!

[studybuddy7777]

You're 100% correct that death, disability, etc is a bit of a minefield. I think with the right delicacy you can do it. The main trouble with this topic comes about when someone who has never experienced any of it, writes emotively about the implications. A simple one sentence reflection of the implications of such a thing is fine and not crossing any line, and I think the nature of your work allows for that very simplistic but meaningful moment. Perhaps you don't have to even say what kind of accident the family was involved in, but potentially just allude to an event that took your parents and left you like a hermit. Which is another idea, perhaps you don't have to be physically hurt, but you've reclused from society because it all seems too dangerous?

I think if you can adjust this to beef it up, then committing it to memory is not a bad idea at all. That means that you'll be able to use as much of the 40 minutes as possible, only spending a few minutes to work out what needs to be adapted in order to suit the stimulus. Of course, you don't need to remember it word for word, but just becoming comfortable enough with it so that you can respond to the stimulus, without wasting too much time trying to think of what to write!

Thankyou for all your help with this!! I was originally writing it from a perspective that since the parents accident he has had trust issues and thinks everyone is out to get him, he is depressed and then finally goes outside for the first time since the accident. Should I introduce maybe a friend to help him get through it all at the end or will that be too cheesy (<-- like this)
He wasnt in the accident so couldnt have any physical hurt (unless self-harm but thats another minefield).
See where I am coming from?

Thanks again you are an absolute legend that makes english seem that much more livable