The shrieking sounds of joyful laughter pierced my ears. I stared intently at their mischievous faces, before I tried divulging back into the realms of Avalon. Soon their obnoxious little voices began invading the pages of my novel, as I began envisioning them in The Battle of Demacia.
“This is a library,
I'd do an exclamation mark here rather than a comma. can you please go outside if you want to laugh!” I lectured, angry at their voices disrupting the peace.
Their sardonic smiles dropped instantly.
Peace. Finally. I began diving back into the epic by T S Beliot. As I continued reading, I began grabbing the edge of my seat, turning each and every page with delicacy. Appreciating every word used by Beliot fashioning a world of fantasy and engagement.
I love "fashioning"Before long I had completed the page-turner, my body sweating profusely at the thrill Beliot had brought me.
“Attention, the library will be closing in 10 minutes” an automated voice creaked out of the vintage sound systems.
Home. Every day I dreaded going home, to leave the sanctuary of the library. To come home to my mother’s high pitched, erratic and slightly nasal laughter, my father’s continuous chirping on his phone like a parrot. I dreaded the thought every day.
As I carefully placed the novels back onto the shelf, I saw my bus pulling up to the kerb. Instantly, my feeble legs kicked into ignition, pumping as hard as my body would allow. To my surprise, two busses had arrived, waiting patiently as a plethora of bodies boarded. I decided to take the larger bus of the two, wanting more space for my journey home.
Rows of city skyscrapers covered the scorching sun their glass reflecting the deadly rays, as I began dozing off.
A startling voice interrupted my sleep as I rubbed my eyes
need some punctuation in here shocked by my surroundings.
“Next up, Kiama Rainforest, we will be going on a 10 kilometre hike to explore and discover one of natures’
nature's* best natural products
.fullstop”
My heart began jumping back and forth, hands sweating and my legs jumping up and down.
“ Wasn’t this bus heading into the suburbs?” I cried weakly.
“ That was the smaller bus today, this bus is a discovery bus for people who are eager to explore Australia’s natural treasures” the guide replied his voice filled with spirit
“ How do I get back to the suburbs?” my voice becoming more desperate, fearing the unknown
fullstop“ This bus. However we are not leaving until we finish the 10 kilometre hike, don’t worry, the hike will be safe and you’ll discover a whole new world” the guide tried to reassure me
I think what would be something to add to the engagement and I suppose, a little snippet of humour, would be to make a contrast between the person in the library and the person who just found out that they are going to the rainforest. Maybe create the image of a feeble, fawnly, "geeky" stereotype, amongst this wild forest. Obviously you don't have to make this deep contrast, but something to this effect would be good just to create that slightly more comical nature to the piece. Before long we were all jostling in line, hooked up in safety gear and provided a flashlight to explore the beauty of the rainforest.
I'd be using the first person narration to your advantage here by bringing up the feelings they are experiencing, I don't know that you're making the most of the first person. Give some really emotional or comical insight here. As we ventured deeper into the heart of the rainforest, swift shadows jumped from left and right, mysterious and sickening howls filled our ears, yet the sweet fragrance of flora aroused our noses. My body became increasingly tense with every step I took, yet a sense of me felt accomplished for embarking on this journey.
“ Everyone, there are some biscuits and fruit at the back of your carry bags, we will have a five minute break” the guide barked in the silence of the forest.
I unbuckled the carabiner before searching the vast landscape for a comfortable seat. My feet were filled with blisters, my back drenched in sweat and my lungs working over its capabilities. As I untied my laces, I stared at my bleeding foot. Aghast at the pool of blood drenching my foot, it had evoked imagery of Aslan’s journey to Demacia. The tedious and gruelling journey Aslan had trekked to reach Demacia, just to destroy and decapitate the rebels. I felt proud, I felt as if I was Aslan.
“Okay, time to re-buckle and continue the last leg of our hike” the guide continued to command.
As I attempted to hook the carabiner back onto the guide, to my horror a large leech had latched onto my naked ankle.
“ GET IT OFF ME!” I screamed, running franticly in the pitch darkness.
"Pitch dark" is a cliche, try move away from this and insert something more original to draw the attention of the marker to your writing ability!As I continued to run sporadically to kick off the leech, I realised I had been separated from the group.
I've been wondering about the other people in the group. I think if you make a contrast between you and them slightly earlier, then there'll be a stronger connection with this protagonist, purely through contrast. Are they all in cargo pants and you're in suspenders? Are they all wearing hiking boots and you're wearing converse? Something like this.My eyes darted left and right, where was I? How did my pathetic legs drag me away from my group?
Fear began to overwhelm me. What would Aslan do in this scenario? All those countless hours couped up in the library reading novels over the years, yet none of them taught me how to find my way out of a rainforest.
“HELP ME” I screamed out as I attempted to retrace my steps. Eyes glistened in the shadows awaiting their time to pounce on their pray. I pulled out my flashlight flickering
flicking* it on and off attempting to attract the attention of any passerbys. I couldn’t give up, Aslan would never give up but my frail body was going to give up soon.
I think "Give up" is used one too many times in this sentence. Try slice it up I couldn’t withstand any more physical exertion, my stomach rumbled,
Instead of a stomach rumbling, perhaps a stomach promising to expel at any moment, or a stomach failing to withstand the anxiety. A stomach rumbling is a cliche, but a stomach promising is personification. awakening the sleeping inhabitants of the forest.
I stopped. Something was coming. I could hear the snapping of twigs as my ears honed in at the direction of the source. A bear? I was ready to fight the bear to the death with the years of knowledge and minute physical experience I had experienced in my 16 years.
To my disappointment it was the group. I was unable to showcase my physical prowess or my tactical mind, but I discovered something more important. The world was a strange but beautiful place, a rainforest had provided me with more exhilaration and emotion than a book could ever give.