Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

[atar27]

Hey ATAR! You'll need to get to 20 posts to get feedback on this creative, based on earlier feedback

Here it is That's okay

[jamonwindeyer]

Here it is That's okay

Ohhh okay I've clicked now! So the marking criteria has increased now in the lead up to the English Exam, which would normally mean you'd have to get to 35 posts. That said, I've been a pain, and you did technically post it before the change, so I am sure Elyse would be happy to give you feedback on your Creative

[atar27]

Ok, thank you so much! I really appreciate that

[marynguyen18]

am i eligible to post my creative writing?

[jamonwindeyer]

am i eligible to post my creative writing?

Yep

[marynguyen18]

I've changed my creative slightly since the last time i posted it, thank you in advanced

[elysepopplewell]

Okay so I hit the 30 posts! I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to repost my creative or not but just in case, here it is!

Hey Justina! Thanks for that

Spoiler

I, Bellamy Potarisa, knew that ‘truth’ in its most pure and authentic state was consistently and inevitably, brutal.  But that word in particular lingered, positing a nauseating ambivalence within my mind. Great setting of tone!
Clutching at my throat to withstand the usual yet persistently overwhelming note of bergamot, was accompanied by an unsettling grin that bred of conceit, as he comfortably leaned on the edges of his desk. It is unclear whether it was the clone or his rigid grin that expounded an ominous feeling. Perhaps it was both. Nevertheless, within a month of employment, he had dumped me with the first lesson of corruption. I like how suddenly yet teasingly this is all unfolding!

For my moral dilemma, one of which I was consciously aware of, had burdened me with the utterance of an “untruth”.
 “Oh come on Bellamy, don’t go all ‘girl-next-door’ on me.  You won’t be lying as such, only telling some un-truths, so to speak…” his voice seemed to trail on. *uhhhh* I can totally imagine this
 He flashed me a big porcelain smile like the devil addressed in Prada.
As I happen to recall, I believe “tap into” were the words he uttered.

“So…um…you want me to ‘tap into’ politician Ben Ashcroft’s emails and dig some dirt on his…"

Again, came the monstrous laugh – as though to interrupt me from exposure. Ryan Trystan, my boss, whom I had grown such a fondness and reputable complexion of, was unfortunately my worst nightmare. He brought back the most vulnerable and tenebrous shadows of myself that lay beneath my newly found world.
“Oh Bell, Bell, Bell…now did I say ‘tap into’? No.  All I said was be a little more enterprising” 
 His light tone has somewhat dissipated.
It was in those very two minutes that I had been burdened with an incomprehensible distress, one of which quickly transitioned to anger with the thought of his ease. It did not matter that I would hack into his email, forge evidence and frame him for the stolen revenue. His conceited smile lingered the most. It functioned as my source of angst, even more than the request. Well actually, demand. I realised that incessant vanity and innocent smiles camouflaged the unrelenting reality of life and gave it benevolence. 
The nuances of journalist vernacular were of only significance, and thus what was necessary – that is, for the ‘The Sun’ newspaper was to offer its reading masses a succinct piece of scandal dressed up as ‘journalism’. A story that offers readers a deep and profound fulfilment for approximately 56 seconds of their insignificant lives that would come at the expense of shattering my probity.
 Had I known this before my excitement consumed me a month ago, and voluntarily participated? 
It was not my fault. No, it couldn’t be. I had to convince myself of this. It was the only way to keep my sanity. I was cheated just as much as I was told to cheat. I was given significance, name, identity, and stature – something that otherwise was foreign.
I came to comprehend that the discovery of my identity, involved deeper layers of consciousness, layers which were more often than not, subliminal.
Now firmly fixated on his computer screen, a once charming Ryan, gave me no more attention as if my presence was absent.  So I left. 
 And thus, he had taught me my second lesson of corruption: ‘un-truths’ were the modern form of lies. 
Trying to pull myself together in the bathroom, I recalled the phone call informing me of my employment. I remembered my surprise at receiving a response in such a short period of time. A young and shy lady whom only just finished a degree in I'd probably capitalise Journalism if we are talking about a degree. journalism was offered a job at one of the world’s most renowned publishing industries. It did not make sense but the thrill was so overwhelming, it brushed off the crevices in the puzzle.
Of course now – it did make sense.
Staring into the mirror, I could finally see it.
I fit the criteria because I was easy. Unlike the others who were incredibly attractive and showed off their flashing numbers with struts of Burberry and Chanel, I scraped through the brief because I could offer something much more significant and grandiose than aesthetic appeasement – innocence.
The most insufferable experience one would never wish to hear was that they were not good enough. My discovery there's no rule against saying "discovery" but your piece is incredibly well articulated - so I'd avoid it in this instance just to avoid jarring it. I'd said "realisation" of personal integrity was far from superfluous within a cesspit of journalistic and editorial sharks that imposed nothing more than sheer banality within the obscure ramblings of truth. 
This time, recalling my first day of employment was thoroughly unsatisfying. This was no fluke. I was given significance, a name, identity, stature.
No. Wrong. 
I was given a phantom.
Funnily enough, never once did reality wish to spare me of its brutality.
To expose the darkness beyond the palette of the colourful paper – I knew – there was no going back.
I picked up a pen.
Now, I was going to have my say.
And the title it was written: ‘Integrity’
Never like this moment in my life had I completely been in touch with the entirety of myself – beneath all the layers of which my darkest fears were veiled.
But now I can say – unequivocally – I was liberated.

I'm sorry that you worked so hard to get 30 posts only for me to tell you that this is definitely the work of a band 6 student! This was an absolute pleasure to read! I enjoyed every moment. You capture a professional setting filled with corruption really well and you capture the integrity (or lack of) in the media industry really well! The discovery is clear, in the lead up, the moment, and the ramifications. You've been very smart with this piece in that your climax coincides with discovery just before the end, so that you can have the all clear for discussing the ramifications of discovery.

I hope this gives you confidence to go into the exam with your head held high because I love love love this piece! Usually when I love pieces, I still can critique discovery. But in this case, you've done it so craftfully that it's difficult I hope the stimulus is kind to you!

[elysepopplewell]

I've changed my creative slightly since the last time i posted it, thank you in advanced

Heya! You've done a lot of great work on the forums Go you!

Spoiler

The sun was slowly waking up from its slumber.

How could this happen? All she could think about was the guilt that was bubbling up inside of her trying to escape. Everything was her fault. Why didn’t she just pretend that she loved Alice in Wonderland as much as her mother did? Her daughter had no idea what to do with this excruciating pain that kept on intensifying, as all she could feel were the tears streaming down her face. A tiny bit contradictory when we talk about excruciating pain and then all that can be felt is weightless tears. Perhaps a "yet" or other connective could work in here.

As the casket slowly lowered into the ground, this implication of present tense - try "it" was Lauren’s last chance to say something, anything, this was the final goodbye to her beloved mother. There were so many memories that should have been shared. Lauren had always struggled to understand what her mother had gone through both mentally and physically. All she could do was look up to her dad and wonder if he felt as guilty as Lauren did. He had banned her mother from reading Alice to Lauren when she younger as she was terrified of the book.

As soon as Lauren arrived home it was time to slowly start to divide her mother’s possessions into three separate boxes: keep, donate and throw away. This made it feel so official that it was time to treasure the memories and maybe move on from all that was left of her mother.

As Lauren was sorting through her mother’s wardrobe she found an old box filled with different editions of the “The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll, DVDs and even found a coffee mug with a gold rim that her dad had given to her mother on their wedding day. The gold rim is a really nice touch. Mum would always read Alice In Wonderland to Lauren as a bedtime story. The thing about Lauren’s mother was that she wouldn’t read the book in her normal voicecomma she would give each character its own unique voice which frightened Lauren when she was younger. The voices were so realistic that it would give her nightmares to the point where her father had to take matters into his own hands and banned Lauren’s mother from ever reading the book to Lauren ever again. Describe some of the voices here - high pitched and fettered for the rabbit, for example.

Lauren wished she would have known that my we just flipped into first person. mother loved the book so much, if she had known sooner her mother would still be alive. If she had known that her mother was so unwell Lauren would’ve been there to support and help her mother. "Mother" was used 4 times just now, probably 3 times too many. Consider chopping this sentence up One of the books that Lauren had found was an old box which contained her mother’s original copy of Alice when she was growing up. I the change of tense is confusing me? carefully turned the page to find words written around the original text in my mother’s beautiful cursive writing.

“I promised him I would follow him; I gave him my word, my bond, my hands, my eyes and my ears that I would make it to Wonderland to be transfixed and encapsulated by its beauty once more”. Lauren grew more concerned about her mother’s mentality as in Wonderland, the sun would always be smiling and radiating a sense of happiness to create an atmosphere of joy and tranquillity. It was her safe haven.

Her mother could no longer tell the differences between reality and imagination. Every night during dinner mum would get really paranoid about whether or not the food she was about to consume would make her grow to the size of the tallest tree or make her shrink to the size of an ant. She wouldn’t even drink water without Lauren tasting it first. Lauren couldn’t find the words to explain to mum that the food was perfectly fine; nothing got through to her. 

Every so often Lauren would hear mum cry out “Oh no! She’s coming for me, off with my head, off with my head, oh! I’ve grown quite fond of my head, don’t let her get me Lauren!”. Red, the colour red had triggered so many emotional memories of constant hysteria. The constant delusion of the Red Queen haunting her was slowly eating her alive. There was no way to help her mother’s antagonising pain. I really love this bit!!!!

The rhythmic ticking of the clock created a pathway for Lauren’s gradual understanding of what her mother had gone through. Every word that her mother had made in the tiny margins showed bits of her childhood. The adventures that she had read about meeting a talking caterpillar that inhaled hookah smoke who had offered the worst advice in a rude, yet concise tone all of which became a real part of her world. It became clear to Lauren as she continued to read that her mother was completely immersed in Wonderland. She had used it as a way to escape an abusive home, where sounds of bottles shattering against the wall would put her to sleep. How can she not have known about this? It’s all starting to make sense.  Beautiful

On the inside cover of the book there was a note that Lauren’s mother had written to her parents. They were written along the lines of “Dear mum and dad, I’m sorry to have been such a disappointment to you, no one understands mecomma or elipsis only the white rabbit does…” Tears were rolling down Lauren’s face, how could she have allowed her mother go through this alone.

“Hey dad, can you come here for a second? Did you know that mum felt this way when she was younger?”

“I had no idea that she was battling with such an emotional demon or I would have tried to get her to see a physiologist or something. If I had known, I would have dealt with the situation in a different way.” Dad replied in a sorrowful tone

“Can we read Alice in Wonderland together like mum used to do for me when I was younger?”

“Of course we can, let’s even do the voices just for her” Dad replied with a smile on his face

Dad and Lauren shared a moment to remember and experience the wonder of Wonderland all over again. At least Lauren knew that it wasn’t her fault that her mother had died. All the combined guilt seemed to melt into the air and was replaced with joy.

I can't remember exactly how this piece was last time, although I do remember parts, but I'm happy to report this is a lot better! I love the way you've manipulated the story to be a form of escape.

What I'm not loving is this ending though - you build up such a creative story, with so much wonderful articulation, and then the ending literally spells out the discovery rather than continuing the respect for the reader. In my opinion, this is an easy fix. After offering the dad a read of the note, then I'd say,

"Her dad's furrowed brows met the page. Slowly, his forehead softened and his eyes moistened."

Something like this shows instead of tells. You've told the reader that the dad didn't know, but he is sad to know, without even saying it. You also leave it open to the reader to interpret if they think the dad is at fault for not letting her express herself to her daughter, or if the dad is regretting, etc. What do you think of this ending?

Otherwise, just consistency of tense is important
You've really elevated this piece beyond what it originally was, and I'm really proud of you! You should be proud of this! With the right adaptation in an exam, this has very high potential! You should be stoked

[brenden]

Hi this is my creative that i wrote for both mid years and trials! i got a much better mark in trials but i am wondering how i can fix it and whether i should write another creative in case or stick with this one:

It's a good question, right? Should you write another creative or stick with this one..?

That question implies to me like, you have to "go with" one or the other. Like, what is the "in case" scenario? In case you forget your first one? (Well, having two to remember won't help with that). Is it in case the first one doesn't fit the topic/prompt? That seems more likely... But this question is the wrong question to ask. It's not about having "multiple options" to stick down on a topic. It's about having one piece that you're really comfortbale with and that you can take in many different directions if necessary. I wouldn't be writing another piece now. I would be working intimately with this piece - very intimately - and doing a lot of essay plans to your "worst case scnario" topics (i.e., what topic would actually fuck you over? practise those topics). Do lots of essay plans until your'e confident you can mould THIS piece into the piece you need it to be. Just in case

Now, I will tell you if anything's broken and how to fix it.

The road before her stretched on for what seemed like eternity. The sun’s fiery embrace breathed down her neck and as the thought of another step made her shudder. I like your opening, I have a really good idea of the 'scene' and the writing is nice so far!She looks up, and is blinded by a white behemoth of cosmic energy. Carol reached for Lucy’s hands and feels the sweat amongst her palms and between her fingers. She turns her head around and catches a glimpse of her sisters blank white terrified face usually, try for two adjectives that achieve everything you want. When you go for three in a row, you're probably overreaching. In this scenario, i'd remove blank. Because why should a face be both blank and terrified? Pale and terrfied does ALL the work you need. Also --- use commas between your adjectives!!! it's v easy, and your assessor will appreciatebefore she added a small smile to comfort her. She turns her face further behind her as she reliased, her eye lids begin to stretch further in shock. She holds her sisters hands tighter and screams, The biggest thing here is that... You use "Carol" and "LucY' in the same sentence, then continue to ONLY us "she"... But which one are you talking about? Carol or Lucy?!?!?!?! --- I believe it's Carol, because Carol was doing the reaching for Lucy's hand, so presumably you keep talking about Carol. But I'm having to do reasoning to work this out. You don't want people to have to 'figure out' - it should be clear and there for them... so just be wary about your impersonal pronouns (she, he, they)... because whilst they're VERY CLEAR to you in your mind, because you know exactly who you are referring to, they can sometimes be less clear to an examiner, who NEED specific words to TELL them who you're  referring to. Just keep it in mind
‘RUN LUCY RUN HURRY!’. You HAVE to punctuate. How does Carole say it in your head? Presumably she says something like "RUNNNN! Lucy, RUN! HURRY!" is that what it sounds like? if that what it sounds like, that's how you should write it! Good punctuation looks very sophisticated, but it's actually super easy, which means you get good VALUE for little EFFORT on your behalf.
They  tumble down a hill feeling the rocks and tree barks drilling through their bodies, but careless about the pain that endures within them physically and mentally they quickly gain their balance and sprint through the trees and finding a small cave, Carol pulls her sister inside the cave hearing no sign of footsteps following them. You've used one "but", and two "and"... Remeber, those words are conjunction words. They join a sentence together. So if you've used 3 conjunctive words, you have probably just shoved 4 sentences into 1 sentence. Usually a recipe for a messy setence! I think you can tidy this up a bit. After you talk about their pain, you start talking about their action (balance, cave). It doesn't "flow" as well as it could - rewrite this one a little bit and see if you can make it more sophisticated Lucy cuddles her sister and lays softly on her crossed legs to sleep, Carol passes her the deer figurine. On the verge of closing her eyes she spots a shadow moving her eyes instantly towards the outside of the cave. Her drowsy eyes pull her away leaning her head against the wall. Suddenly she feels a tap on her shoulder, she slowly looks up as her neck muscles start to ache. She gradually reaches to a tall slim figure, his large eyes looking right through her. Carol immediately clutches to Lucy feeling her body temperature rising feeling the heat bouncing of her body. This is a way better sentence structure and series of sentences than the one about the balance and the cave that I told you off for. Good job!! ‘The Russian solider is the man who was chasing us all a long, but why didn’t he shoot us already?’ The punctuation in this dialogue is also way better than the punctation I told you off for, before. Woo! agonising thoughts invaded her. Her muscles tense, he might be tricking her, he might be holding the gun towards her.
‘Who are you and what do you want?!’
“I am a jew…”
“A Jew!’
Carol interrupts breathlessly, she looks up, inspecting him from top to bottom. He is wearing the striped pyjamas that mamma always used to tell us they would wear when they were thrown into the concentration camps. They deserve to be punished for what they have done to Germany. ‘Don’t you dare come near my sister and I, mamma is right, she has always been right about you jews’.
She starts packing her bag, gently placing the deer back into her bag. He slowly sits down as he fixes his eyes on her.
’My name is Arron’ would maybe change the name to something more obvious jewish routes, just for a 'nice touch'.
He shows the care of a jewish person worried about her wellbeing and their danger for being in the midst of the bush alone. 

******

Thinking back in time had her eyebrows scrunched together, a familiar feeling in the deepest parts of her stomach arose. Anger and doubt ran through her veins, leaving nothing but trails of fire spreading destructively throughout her body. She thinks the unthinkable and decides to tell Arron in attempt to calm the ever persistent thoughts in her mind.
‘My father’, she said,
‘Before our mother passed away she gave us the deer to be added to her collection back at home when we arrive at Omi’s house in Hamburg and my dad left us to commit his life to Hitler as General Anthony’.
A little voice constantly remaindered her of the question that had no answer, why did papa leave his two daughters for Hitler?.
‘Hitler’ he gently said,
‘Sent the jews to concentration camps because he believed that the jews generated the collapse of the German economy, but in reality we were just building our lives’.
Carol’s butterflies settled down as she lifted her eyes and looked at the sadness that filled his eyes. A few weeks later, they finally arrive at the Hamburg train station a sense of relief to finally go home. Lucy smiles back at her sister holding her sisters hands tightly and skipping along. Her thoughts, were interrupted by a sudden movement from behind and her tear strained eyes darted towards the looming figures that grew larger as the footsteps grew louder. Her whole body twists around. Her eyes grew larger and her mouth dropped to the ground as she reached her hands and screamed on the top of her lungs, ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOO’. German soldiers forced her away as she hears the shot gun going off, she slows down and her heart beats a million times per second. ‘Welcome aboard, the train will be leaving in one minute’.
Lucy pulls Carol inside the train. Carol looks outside the window with the last thought of brutality towards the jews, they don’t deserve to be treated this way. From Arran’s word Carol finds that every pillar of her previous life was built upon a foundation of lies and propaganda. Her inner core temperature boils, burning her from every part of her body. With the last breath they finally reach Omi’s house. Carol runs to her mums bedroom and places the deer on the dresser, next to a collection of figurines. She wakes up the next morning and finds Lucy and grandma cheerfully dancing to music in the kitchen. Carol storms off, finding it difficult to adjust to her old lifestyle. During dinner, they are all sitting at the dinning table when Carol impulsively grabs a piece of bread and stuffs it in her mouth. Carol runs back into her room smashing the figurine’s including the deer, suggesting a new future reputing with the past.   

Thank You for checking it, it will be much appreciated

Hey!!

Okay, SO... Structurally, I think youv'e got a pretty clear progression through the story, bits of action, bits of realisation. No need to make any major structural changes other than those required by the topic.

The two things I would say is this:

You've used punctuation well at times in this piece, but at other times have been a bit relaxed and not punctated in places you could have. It's no good to over punctuate, but it's also not good to under puncation. The best thing you can do is just, say it in your head and put a comma wherever you might pause for a fractino of a second. If you get some more commas in the right place, it will slow the pacing of your work down to a pace the reader is familiar with reading (i.e., in professional books and stuff). Better punction is just a bit more professional, will go a long way to appeasing your marker

The one thing I would say is -- add maybe a few more lines about discovery. The key line for me is " From Arran’s word Carol finds that every pillar of her previous life was built upon a foundation of lies and propaganda. ". That's where you hit home on the discovery, but then after that, you just talk abotu Carole's anger... You could explore MORE about the discovery, the brainwashing... Just a few sentences more about her realising the truth and how she did it, what that discovery means for her life (beyond the anger she feels - what does it mean for her view of hte world).

Both really small changes, but could be worth a few marks on Thursday! Good work

[marynguyen18]

Heya! You've done a lot of great work on the forums Go you!

Spoiler

The sun was slowly waking up from its slumber.

How could this happen? All she could think about was the guilt that was bubbling up inside of her trying to escape. Everything was her fault. Why didn’t she just pretend that she loved Alice in Wonderland as much as her mother did? Her daughter had no idea what to do with this excruciating pain that kept on intensifying, as all she could feel were the tears streaming down her face. A tiny bit contradictory when we talk about excruciating pain and then all that can be felt is weightless tears. Perhaps a "yet" or other connective could work in here.

As the casket slowly lowered into the ground, this implication of present tense - try "it" was Lauren’s last chance to say something, anything, this was the final goodbye to her beloved mother. There were so many memories that should have been shared. Lauren had always struggled to understand what her mother had gone through both mentally and physically. All she could do was look up to her dad and wonder if he felt as guilty as Lauren did. He had banned her mother from reading Alice to Lauren when she younger as she was terrified of the book.

As soon as Lauren arrived home it was time to slowly start to divide her mother’s possessions into three separate boxes: keep, donate and throw away. This made it feel so official that it was time to treasure the memories and maybe move on from all that was left of her mother.

As Lauren was sorting through her mother’s wardrobe she found an old box filled with different editions of the “The Adventures of Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll, DVDs and even found a coffee mug with a gold rim that her dad had given to her mother on their wedding day. The gold rim is a really nice touch. Mum would always read Alice In Wonderland to Lauren as a bedtime story. The thing about Lauren’s mother was that she wouldn’t read the book in her normal voicecomma she would give each character its own unique voice which frightened Lauren when she was younger. The voices were so realistic that it would give her nightmares to the point where her father had to take matters into his own hands and banned Lauren’s mother from ever reading the book to Lauren ever again. Describe some of the voices here - high pitched and fettered for the rabbit, for example.

Lauren wished she would have known that my we just flipped into first person. mother loved the book so much, if she had known sooner her mother would still be alive. If she had known that her mother was so unwell Lauren would’ve been there to support and help her mother. "Mother" was used 4 times just now, probably 3 times too many. Consider chopping this sentence up One of the books that Lauren had found was an old box which contained her mother’s original copy of Alice when she was growing up. I the change of tense is confusing me? carefully turned the page to find words written around the original text in my mother’s beautiful cursive writing.

“I promised him I would follow him; I gave him my word, my bond, my hands, my eyes and my ears that I would make it to Wonderland to be transfixed and encapsulated by its beauty once more”. Lauren grew more concerned about her mother’s mentality as in Wonderland, the sun would always be smiling and radiating a sense of happiness to create an atmosphere of joy and tranquillity. It was her safe haven.

Her mother could no longer tell the differences between reality and imagination. Every night during dinner mum would get really paranoid about whether or not the food she was about to consume would make her grow to the size of the tallest tree or make her shrink to the size of an ant. She wouldn’t even drink water without Lauren tasting it first. Lauren couldn’t find the words to explain to mum that the food was perfectly fine; nothing got through to her. 

Every so often Lauren would hear mum cry out “Oh no! She’s coming for me, off with my head, off with my head, oh! I’ve grown quite fond of my head, don’t let her get me Lauren!”. Red, the colour red had triggered so many emotional memories of constant hysteria. The constant delusion of the Red Queen haunting her was slowly eating her alive. There was no way to help her mother’s antagonising pain. I really love this bit!!!!

The rhythmic ticking of the clock created a pathway for Lauren’s gradual understanding of what her mother had gone through. Every word that her mother had made in the tiny margins showed bits of her childhood. The adventures that she had read about meeting a talking caterpillar that inhaled hookah smoke who had offered the worst advice in a rude, yet concise tone all of which became a real part of her world. It became clear to Lauren as she continued to read that her mother was completely immersed in Wonderland. She had used it as a way to escape an abusive home, where sounds of bottles shattering against the wall would put her to sleep. How can she not have known about this? It’s all starting to make sense.  Beautiful

On the inside cover of the book there was a note that Lauren’s mother had written to her parents. They were written along the lines of “Dear mum and dad, I’m sorry to have been such a disappointment to you, no one understands mecomma or elipsis only the white rabbit does…” Tears were rolling down Lauren’s face, how could she have allowed her mother go through this alone.

“Hey dad, can you come here for a second? Did you know that mum felt this way when she was younger?”

“I had no idea that she was battling with such an emotional demon or I would have tried to get her to see a physiologist or something. If I had known, I would have dealt with the situation in a different way.” Dad replied in a sorrowful tone

“Can we read Alice in Wonderland together like mum used to do for me when I was younger?”

“Of course we can, let’s even do the voices just for her” Dad replied with a smile on his face

Dad and Lauren shared a moment to remember and experience the wonder of Wonderland all over again. At least Lauren knew that it wasn’t her fault that her mother had died. All the combined guilt seemed to melt into the air and was replaced with joy.

I can't remember exactly how this piece was last time, although I do remember parts, but I'm happy to report this is a lot better! I love the way you've manipulated the story to be a form of escape.

What I'm not loving is this ending though - you build up such a creative story, with so much wonderful articulation, and then the ending literally spells out the discovery rather than continuing the respect for the reader. In my opinion, this is an easy fix. After offering the dad a read of the note, then I'd say,

"Her dad's furrowed brows met the page. Slowly, his forehead softened and his eyes moistened."

Something like this shows instead of tells. You've told the reader that the dad didn't know, but he is sad to know, without even saying it. You also leave it open to the reader to interpret if they think the dad is at fault for not letting her express herself to her daughter, or if the dad is regretting, etc. What do you think of this ending?

Otherwise, just consistency of tense is important
You've really elevated this piece beyond what it originally was, and I'm really proud of you! You should be proud of this! With the right adaptation in an exam, this has very high potential! You should be stoked

thank you so much Elyse i originally had it in first person and tried to change it into third person and i must have missed some of the original first person narration once again thank you so much ill definitely fix up the ending

[atar27]

It's a good question, right? Should you write another creative or stick with this one..?

That question implies to me like, you have to "go with" one or the other. Like, what is the "in case" scenario? In case you forget your first one? (Well, having two to remember won't help with that). Is it in case the first one doesn't fit the topic/prompt? That seems more likely... But this question is the wrong question to ask. It's not about having "multiple options" to stick down on a topic. It's about having one piece that you're really comfortbale with and that you can take in many different directions if necessary. I wouldn't be writing another piece now. I would be working intimately with this piece - very intimately - and doing a lot of essay plans to your "worst case scnario" topics (i.e., what topic would actually fuck you over? practise those topics). Do lots of essay plans until your'e confident you can mould THIS piece into the piece you need it to be. Just in case

Now, I will tell you if anything's broken and how to fix it.
Hey!!

Okay, SO... Structurally, I think youv'e got a pretty clear progression through the story, bits of action, bits of realisation. No need to make any major structural changes other than those required by the topic.

The two things I would say is this:

You've used punctuation well at times in this piece, but at other times have been a bit relaxed and not punctated in places you could have. It's no good to over punctuate, but it's also not good to under puncation. The best thing you can do is just, say it in your head and put a comma wherever you might pause for a fractino of a second. If you get some more commas in the right place, it will slow the pacing of your work down to a pace the reader is familiar with reading (i.e., in professional books and stuff). Better punction is just a bit more professional, will go a long way to appeasing your marker

The one thing I would say is -- add maybe a few more lines about discovery. The key line for me is " From Arran’s word Carol finds that every pillar of her previous life was built upon a foundation of lies and propaganda. ". That's where you hit home on the discovery, but then after that, you just talk abotu Carole's anger... You could explore MORE about the discovery, the brainwashing... Just a few sentences more about her realising the truth and how she did it, what that discovery means for her life (beyond the anger she feels - what does it mean for her view of hte world).

Both really small changes, but could be worth a few marks on Thursday! Good work

Thank You soo much Brenden you are a legend!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey can you please read over my creative and see if it makes sense?
Tell me if its engaging, and how I could improve it.

Hey Vincent! Thanks for posting your creative, but unfortunately right now you need 30 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! This is just in the lead up to the English Exam, but you are close! Hang around a bit more and I bet you'll get there

[elysepopplewell]

thank you so much Elyse i originally had it in first person and tried to change it into third person and i must have missed some of the original first person narration once again thank you so much ill definitely fix up the ending

That makes sense! Best of luck! Make sure you check back after the exam and let us know how you go with the stimulus!

[vincentso69]

Hey Vincent! Thanks for posting your creative, but unfortunately right now you need 30 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! This is just in the lead up to the English Exam, but you are close! Hang around a bit more and I bet you'll get there

I can post in any forum right? like other subjects and the "game" sections?
Cause i did a bit and my thing doesn't seem to be adding up

[vincentso69]

Hey Vincent! Thanks for posting your creative, but unfortunately right now you need 30 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! This is just in the lead up to the English Exam, but you are close! Hang around a bit more and I bet you'll get there

ok i think i did it

Umm yea here is my story. 
-i need to know if the discoveries are clear
-does it makes sense
-should i remove the flash backs (the begginning paragraph and ending? so it would just be one straight story that ends with "I wonder what else we will find..."
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I stared at the small window where rays of light emerged from. That was the only source of light in the room, partly blocked by two corroding metal bars that divided the window into 3 segments. Still, it was enough light for me to see my tiresome reflection in the putrefied puddle which would usually disgust a normal person, but I was here long enough to get used to it. Sitting against the dusty concrete wall, I squirmed my feet against the rough ground to stop the pins and needles in my feet. Occasionally, the guards would carelessly toss us sections of the newspaper. This wasn’t exactly the best place to be, I really wished I had been more careful, because I lost it all; lost my mind, my soul, myself.The only thing I had left was my mum’s wedding ring…

*                      *                           *                                                 *                              *
“Where is Rob? He should be here by now. I mean, he IS the older brother.” I thought to myself as I wandered around on top of my orphanage building. The lights from the ground of the building illuminated the dark sky, revealing sombre clouds. In an instant, my arms were pulled back from me and my head was covered with a bag. But I stayed calm.
“Rob, I know it’s you bro, cut it out and tell me why we are here” I ordered.
“Alright Steeler, there is something I need to show you,” Rob said with excitement. “I was thinking of doing it for Christmas, but that’s ages away. Follow me, you won’t believe this.”
What could this be? Well, there is really no turning back now. I have already escaped from the boring choir where the strict nuns forced us to do boring stuff.

We hopped from building to building, jumped from roof to roof, climbed the hundreds of ceilings ahead of us. It was a painful journey, but finally we arrived at a narrow and dark alleyway. Despite his excitement, Rob stared at me strangely and pointed to my black right eye.
“No, fighting again?”
“Dude, they said really bad stuff about us. That dad dumped us here at the orphanage because we’re worthless. And that mum is in Hell...” I blurted out, clenching my fist and feeling my face get warmer.
“They’re just trying to pump you up, don’t listen to them.” Rob reassured me. “Anyways here it is”, Rob pointed at some object that was covered in a dirty sheet. He slowly unravelled the object and there it was...I couldn't believe it... It was a motorbike. But something didn't match up, this was an unnatural occurrence, Rob never did this type of stuff just randomly. My heart jumped over the moon, but my mind sunk deeper into the ocean of thoughts that surrounded me. I immediately asked him where he got it.
“Hard earned cash brother, I am a changed man” Rob confidently replied, as he looked up in the skies awkwardly. Something wasn’t right.
“The only time you pull a stunt like this, is when you’re trying to make up for something” I gushed out, staring hard at Rob. He froze like ice for second, then gave me a hard look. He then chuckled as a sneaky smirk swept across his face.
“You’re too smart for your own good, you know that? Ok hear me out,” Rob confesses. So this is what really happened. He got a job. Pays well. However there was a catch. He’s leaving town for a year...

That dog! How could he abandon me? I turned my body away from Rob to face the illuminating lamp post in the distance, which revealed garbage cans resting next to graffitied walls.“I’m doing this for the both of us. Look, I know how much the orphanage sucks-”
“You have no idea” I interrupted. “It’s not fair”.
“Nothing in our lives has been fair. But we made it work right?”
I guess he’s right. Our parents unfortunately never had time for us, debts had priority over us.
“The bike wasn’t the only surprise. I guess I’m going to have to spoil the next one.” Rob snickered. I turned my body back to him again and looked at him in the eyes. What can this be now? “I found the guy who has mum’s stuff.” Rob smirked. My eyes widened. I walked closer to him and slapped my hands on his shoulders in disbelief. Apparently it was just on the other side of town. But I wondered how we’re going to buy that.  Wedding rings aren’t cheap.
“No! We’re not going to steal it are we?” I questioned.
“Well technically, it’s not stealing if we’re getting something back that's ours to begin with” Rob said. He hopped on the bike and started revving the engine loudly, gesturing for me to come. I hesitated, but the thought of my orphanage compelled that doubt. So I hopped on the back of Rob’s motorcycle. The throttle’s roar nearly deafened my ears, but it didn’t matter. And so with that, we zoomed off. I wonder what other goods we’ll find...
*                      *                           *                                                 *                              *
I kept a collection of the newspaper that the warden gave us, it was the only way I was able to avoid boredom. My eye caught something. It was a heading of the newspaper “Rare Vulpine Pearl Ring gone miss, huge reward offered”. My eyes stared at the image of a beautiful ring below. It’s prongs held in place a head of a fox engraved in gold, which its mouth held a pearl. My eyes frantically alternated between the picture and the ring that sat on my hand. A sneaky smirk swept slowly across my face. I had it.
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