Free AOS essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, sorry for keep asking questions, I'm too good at English

going on from my other question about number of poems, can we discuss two in detail and mention the third to support main ideas?

Never say sorry for asking questions! That is what we are here for 

I think this is okay, but try not to make it too imbalanced  like, give it at least a 40/40/20 split, something substantial so it doesn't feel too far out of place  and if you are doing this, make your references quality!! 

[Aliceyyy98]

Hello,
Could you please have a look at my AOS essay on Robert Frost poetry My trials is in a week so feedback on how to improve would be great!

Cheers!

Spoiler

Discoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual.

The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence.

“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection.

In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships.

The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life.  The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others.

“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.   

“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.

Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people.

Moderator Action: Added spoiler 

[onepunchboy]

Hello could you please mark my discovery essay , particularly i need help with thesis clarity, i dont know how to get my points across without sounding convoluted hehe.

[isaacdelatorre]

Hey guys,
English is my biggest struggle and if you could give me some feedback on how to improve on my AOS essay, it would help tremendously.
Not sure what I'm meant to be doing with this tbh, but here's an essay that I wrote that I'm sure is too long.
Thank you so much!!! you guys are life savers

Discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known – discuss with detailed reference to the prescribed text and ONE related

Spoiler

The process of discovery is a two pronged method which allows us to uncover confronting secrets of the universe, that were previously unknown, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity or wonder. These discoveries are often reconsidered once they are fully understood and renew perceptions of the world around us. Simon Nasht’s 2004 documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History depicts this binate process through recounting Hurley’s metamorphic expeditions to Antarctica and World War I. Likewise, J.K. Rowling’s 2008 speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also depicts this process through the exploration of unconventional perspectives concerning failure and imagination. In the evaluated texts, the respective composers undergo this two pronged process, in which the audience vicariously discovers what was previously unknown, allowing them to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas.

When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. “What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.

Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established through hyperboles of, “What I feared most was failure.” Rowling reconsiders this negative perspective and is ultimately transformed, having renewed perceptions of the benefits and importance of failure. The importance of failure, previously unknown, is reflected upon now as a method of realising our true potential, reinforced through second person within “Responsibility lies with you… you will never know yourself without failing.” Thus, composers present their own discoveries of what was previously hidden, which are reconsidered as they challenge values within their social/historical contexts; simultaneously inviting the audience to do the same.

Discovery uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.

Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery.  Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.

Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination

Moderator Action: Added a spoiler 
 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello,
Could you please have a look at my AOS essay on Robert Frost poetry My trials is in a week so feedback on how to improve would be great!

Cheers!

Hey! I sure can, your essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Discoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. Good conceptual Thesis. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual. Great start! Simple, but effective, you may want to establish your paragraph concepts in your introduction though.

The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. Awesome. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. Be careful that you aren't just using techniques to retell the poe, link everything to a discovery concept AND to what the audience learns. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. What does the audience learn? The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. Good contextual link there. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. Retell. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence. Good paragraph! I'd love to see more of a link to the audience, tell me what the responder learns by reading the text! Also leaning ever so slightly towards textual retell, be careful!

“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Try to make every introduction conceptual just like your first paragraph! Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. Retell. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. Retell. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. Retell. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Retell. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection. This paragraph, while including techniques effectively, is just telling me what happened in the text and describing the state of the persona. I need wider audience links; what do WE learn from the composers use of techniques? What new understanding do we gain?

In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. What insights do we gain into Discovery? Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. Retell. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships. Again, I need wider audience impact; don't tell me about what I learn about the text, what do I learn about Discovery as a whole!

The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. This is what I mean by conceptual, excellent! Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life.  The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. What does the audience learn? This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Retell. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others. Just like your introductions, try to keep your conclusions as conceptual as possible, this time with a bit of a link to the text itself: "Hence, we see how the composer seeks to show the audience ________."

“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. Good link to audience! This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.   

“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. Fantastic concept, but again, looking for something a little more conceptual. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. This is better; see how it doesn't just show us something about the persona/text, it shows us something about Discovery as a whole, excellent! The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. And this is what I mean by focusing too much on the text, those two sentences are a perfect example of "amazing" then "okay." Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.

Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people. You'll need a bit more depth in this conclusion. Re-state your Thesis, explain how the texts represent this idea, summaries what you've discussed, then come to your final conclusion. It should be 4 sentences or so 

This is a cool essay! Lots of really interesting conceptual ideas throughout, a multitude of textual references, and a distinct structure, I think this works quite well!

My first comment would be that this is far too long to reproduce in an exam situation, unless you are the fastest writer I know of! AoS essays typically sit no higher than about 1000 words, a few more if you are fast. This is a tad long, so you'll need to adjust it to trim the word count!

My big tip to achieve that is eliminating retell. There are significant portions of your essay where you tell me (albeit in a sophisticated way), what happens in the text and how it affects the persona in the text. Even integrating techniques throughout, this is not effective, especially when your word count is above what it should be. Eliminate any part of your essay that tells me something about what happens to the persona or what happens in the text. This is retell, focus on techniques: "The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", so communicate BLAH which reveals BLAH BLAH to the audience." Rinse, repeat, no additional detail, be succinct! 

I'll also mention that you will want to make greater links to what the audience learns about Discovery. Right now, you have a focus on what we learn about the persona, or how the persona's experiences link to Discovery. This is good, but it is even more effective to purely focus on what the audience learns about Discovery. Here is an example:

The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona.

Could be changed to:

The composer's use of crimson colour is confronting to the audience, as we realise that knowledge is distasteful and thus acts as a dissuasion for personal discoveries.

Or something similar, pulled that sentence out of my head, but you see how it doesn't just focus on the persona: It brings it back to us (the responders). This is something to consider 

On the whole, a really great essay, you clearly know your texts really well! However, I'm looking to see you trim some filler, and focus more on what the audience learns about Discovery  great work!

[Aliceyyy98]

Hey! I sure can, your essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Discoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. Good conceptual Thesis. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual. Great start! Simple, but effective, you may want to establish your paragraph concepts in your introduction though.

The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. Awesome. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. Be careful that you aren't just using techniques to retell the poe, link everything to a discovery concept AND to what the audience learns. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. What does the audience learn? The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. Good contextual link there. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. Retell. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence. Good paragraph! I'd love to see more of a link to the audience, tell me what the responder learns by reading the text! Also leaning ever so slightly towards textual retell, be careful!

“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Try to make every introduction conceptual just like your first paragraph! Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. Retell. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. Retell. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. Retell. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Retell. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection. This paragraph, while including techniques effectively, is just telling me what happened in the text and describing the state of the persona. I need wider audience links; what do WE learn from the composers use of techniques? What new understanding do we gain?

In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. What insights do we gain into Discovery? Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. Retell. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships. Again, I need wider audience impact; don't tell me about what I learn about the text, what do I learn about Discovery as a whole!

The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. This is what I mean by conceptual, excellent! Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life.  The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. What does the audience learn? This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Retell. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others. Just like your introductions, try to keep your conclusions as conceptual as possible, this time with a bit of a link to the text itself: "Hence, we see how the composer seeks to show the audience ________."

“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. Good link to audience! This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.   

“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. Fantastic concept, but again, looking for something a little more conceptual. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. This is better; see how it doesn't just show us something about the persona/text, it shows us something about Discovery as a whole, excellent! The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. And this is what I mean by focusing too much on the text, those two sentences are a perfect example of "amazing" then "okay." Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.

Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people. You'll need a bit more depth in this conclusion. Re-state your Thesis, explain how the texts represent this idea, summaries what you've discussed, then come to your final conclusion. It should be 4 sentences or so 

This is a cool essay! Lots of really interesting conceptual ideas throughout, a multitude of textual references, and a distinct structure, I think this works quite well!

My first comment would be that this is far too long to reproduce in an exam situation, unless you are the fastest writer I know of! AoS essays typically sit no higher than about 1000 words, a few more if you are fast. This is a tad long, so you'll need to adjust it to trim the word count!

My big tip to achieve that is eliminating retell. There are significant portions of your essay where you tell me (albeit in a sophisticated way), what happens in the text and how it affects the persona in the text. Even integrating techniques throughout, this is not effective, especially when your word count is above what it should be. Eliminate any part of your essay that tells me something about what happens to the persona or what happens in the text. This is retell, focus on techniques: "The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", so communicate BLAH which reveals BLAH BLAH to the audience." Rinse, repeat, no additional detail, be succinct! 

I'll also mention that you will want to make greater links to what the audience learns about Discovery. Right now, you have a focus on what we learn about the persona, or how the persona's experiences link to Discovery. This is good, but it is even more effective to purely focus on what the audience learns about Discovery. Here is an example:

The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona.

Could be changed to:

The composer's use of crimson colour is confronting to the audience, as we realise that knowledge is distasteful and thus acts as a dissuasion for personal discoveries.

Or something similar, pulled that sentence out of my head, but you see how it doesn't just focus on the persona: It brings it back to us (the responders). This is something to consider 

On the whole, a really great essay, you clearly know your texts really well! However, I'm looking to see you trim some filler, and focus more on what the audience learns about Discovery  great work!

Hey! Thanks a bunch! Do you think it would be a better idea to incorporate the "Stopping by Woods" as I discuss the other two in detail? this would save some words and I wouldn't have to restate the same concept?

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! Thanks a bunch! Do you think it would be a better idea to incorporate the "Stopping by Woods" as I discuss the other two in detail? this would save some words and I wouldn't have to restate the same concept?

Possibly! Though it might create a bit of an imbalance, do you need "Stopping by Woods" at all if you have enough depth from the other two poems? 

[liiz]

Hey there, just wondering if someone could please check out my discovery essay. I've found AOS as one of the hardest modules for me some reason so heaps of critical feedback would be awesome!! Thanks so much

Spoiler

An individual’s experience of and response to discovery can often enrich their development through the attainment of greater knowledge and renewed perceptions. The significance of such discovery, whether serendipitous or planned, is greatly determined by one’s willingness to embrace it. This notion is explored throughout William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest (1610) and Jane Campion’s film The Piano (1993). Both texts elucidate societal constructs within one’s environment as well as aspects of the human condition to be platforms for discoveries. In doing so, composers have been able to reveal their ability to affirm and challenge one’s attitudes and beliefs, deepening audiences understanding of discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative.

The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development.

The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development.

An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge.

Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding.

Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative.

[angiezhang9]

Hey

I was wondering if you would be able to have a look at my AOS essay. I would love it if you could mark harshly and let me know what I should change/improve. I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis. I am planning on memorising this essay for my trials next week. Do you have any suggestions on how I should manipulate this essay and my thesis to the exam essay question?

Thanks so much for this opportunity to mark my essay

[Spencerr]

Hey Elyse!!

Could you have a look at my disc essay. I posted one back along long time ago and had it marked by Literally Lauren. Since then, I've changed it a lot for the upcoming trails. I'd be really grateful for any feedback

Spoiler

Experiences of discoveries are inevitably [thesis]. The multifaceted nature of discoveries, however, implies a variegation of impacts, unique to each individual. At the crux of William’s Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest (1611), lies an exploration into the power of discoveries to transform an individual, inciting moral change and self growth. Divergently, Edgar Allen Poe’s short story The Tell tale Heart (1843) depicts the negative repercussions of similar discoveries. Nonetheless, both texts demonstrate the potential for discoveries to challenge pre-existing beliefs whilst engendering fresh perspectives and (answer thesis/question).

By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”.  Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation.

Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries. 

Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism.  Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”.

Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives.

Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi once again! Can you please let me know where I am with this essay!   Last time I was given advice to make my ideas clearer I feel like the 3rd paragraph in particular is letting me down I don't know what to do with it for improvement.

Hey Alalamc! Definitely can! I'll pay special attention to that last paragraph 

PS - You are one post shy of getting your creative marked in the other forum, reply saying thanks/with questions to this feedback and you are sweet 

Spoiler

Discovery varies with historical, cultural and social contexts; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. In what ways does it vary; looking for a little more specific here! Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM divulges in the provocative and confronting impacts of discovery, which affirm and further challenge individual and social beliefs through world innovations. Slight expression issue in the middle there. Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernity and renewed social and behavioural contexts. A good introduction, but it does feel a little short, some more elaboration for the Thesis would be effective, as would a more conclusive final sentence about how both texts represent the ideas you are discussing (or similar).

The rejuvenation of cultural tradition holds vast ideological changes which yield enriching future possibilities. ASHONE accentuates American scientific culture as a medium in which discoveries are both supressed and stimulated in regard to religious controversy. Perfect start, conceptual then text! Sparking uncomfortable cultural implications, Bryson’s intertextual representation of American Palaeontologist’s George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions is a metaphorical means of ‘provocative new world findings’ prompting confronting ‘ideological wonder’ in contemporary society. Great! But are there any specific techniques that achieve this? Such findings “heightened moral awkwardness regarding extinctions… contrary to the Great Chain of Being”. The scientific satire and absurdist play between the juxtaposition of religion and conflicting scientific progress challenges whether a significant discovery is one that defies pre-determined tradition or the ability to risk beneficial new concepts, instead enhancing the known. That sentence doesn't quite click with me, I think the expression could be tidied slightly. Subjectively through the robust application of realism, Bryson posits ‘todays powerhouse’; America’s decision of religion over ‘scientific elevation’, idiomatically as a ‘chance…wasted’. Good analysis there! Though I'd like to see more of a link to the audience. Thus cultural context acts as a lens through which one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances affirm or challenge the acceptance of progressive world innovations.

Similarly, Yousafzai proffer’s the beneficial implementation of western commercialism in regards to cultural stigmas associated with education in Pakistan.  IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, over traditional values of Swat, positing the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. Any techniques contribute to this? If you mention them later, it becomes a little unclear to what you are referring, and puts doubt in the mind of the marker. Try to put the technique in the same sentence as the quote. Such paradoxical values inferred through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ figuratively as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society, Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. How? Technique? Ziauddin’s accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing intellectual revolution, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately making public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping ones status and personal value, Ziauddin metaphorically eludes education as a cherishment, personifying educational concepts as a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. Evidence from the text should be incorporated into the same sentence: Don't make it a separate sentence. ‘Education is education, it is neither western nor is it Eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contemporary tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of intellectual discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelation that overcoming traditional values can deter. Textual example? Hence Yousafzai represents the intellectual discovery of beneficial western culture; education, as a collective social contribution, one which brings revolutionary cultural change. Good conclusion.

Societies social and behavioural motives influence the growth of human perception and in turn wonder. Good conceptual start. Bryson recounts such juxtaposed perspective of the Australian society, in particular the endeavours of modern Australian discover; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. Try not to just say what Bryson recounts, tell me how techniques have been used to create meaning, that is the level of sophistication I need! The application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, (little expression issue there) Bryson proffers Evan as an individual ‘proactively’ undertaking the ‘simplest pleasures of discovery’ regardless of societies ‘technological progression’. What does this reveal to the audience? Moreover, Bryson utilises non-fiction scientific memoir to reflect the physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys of “old ways”.  A little more clarity needed for that idea I feel. Moreover, the juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as a ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international representation’, substantiates ASHONE central context that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants’ and that it discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society that create meaningful personal discoveries. Fantastic sentence there, that was excellent. Conversely Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation not only develops pathos, but this level of tentative understanding of social development suggests social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery. Good, but I'm missing a conclusion at the end of this paragraph!

Thus, the value of discovery is determinant on the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society of the course of time; however, the discovery itself is shaped through wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. I feel like that should be split into two sentences. Such discoveries bring with them the affirmation and negation of personal or social beliefs through culture, modernity and the renewed context of society, to which ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. A little more depth needed in this conclusion, be sure to re-link to what you've discussed in your paragraphs and really talk about what the audience learns from the texts through the techniques.

So I'll start by chatting about that 3rd paragraph for you!! I do think it has an issue of clarity for individual sentences in some areas, but I think the big issue there is that you aren't re-enforcing the same concept all the way through (which relates to clarity as well).

Your first sentence is like a contract, it says "I will talk about this." You, as the writer, are obligated to fulfil that contract. In the third paragraph you establish society as a motivator for human perception and wonder (paraphrased).  If you read through your analytical sentences, you get:

- Discovery despite technological progression of society
- physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys
- discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants
- discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society
- social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery

Doing this, it becomes a little more obvious that you lose your way in the middle a bit, it doesn't quite match up until the end. Work on sustaining your concept the whole way through; I think your verbosity is causing you to go a little off track and over-complicate your ideas, keep it simple! Simple works well! 

Besides that, some more general recommendations for you to consider. Most pivotal in my opinion is a greater emphasis on the audience! Remember, composers use techniques to convey concepts to their audience, you need to be making links to what we learn about Discovery! You hint it regularly, be more explicit if you can! As well as this, a more coherent integration of techniques with your quotes by getting everything into a single sentence, and again this comes to reigning it in just a bit: "Technique in quote does BLAH." Simple expression, with verbosity in appropriate places, is more effective than excessive verbosity 

All that said, I think you have some fantastic ideas on display and some excellent textual knowledge, tidy up how it comes across and you'll have a winner! Great work 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey i just wrote up some GBTWYCF paragraphs to the question discovers can be confronting and provocative, to what extent is this true of your study of Discovery?
Thanks!

Hey Jamie! Happy to give you feedback on these! I'll consider them individually! Comments are throughout in both

Paragraph 1

Spoiler

The confronting and provoking nature of discoveries shape the responder leading to acceptance and renewed values towards the issue. Nice concept! Though are you talking about discoveries in texts shaping the responders views, or discoveries for individuals in general? Slightly unclear. Within “Go Back To Where You Came From”, Raye is seen to accept the confronting reality of refugee’s and consequently accepting the reasons for why the go on a boat. Try not to recount character actions in a text like this, because it automatically slips you into retell. She is seen reflecting on Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Keep the focus on the techniques like the second half of your sentence, that's the good bit! Furthermore, the montage also consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience. You could blend this with the previous sentence (see below). Thus, it is clear that Raye has underwent significant transformative change of character throughout the documentary, where emotional, spiritual and physical discovers have helped renew her perspective on the issue. But what do we as an audience learn? The character is just a puppet of the director/producer to convey something to us, what they learn is irrelevant. Likewise, the producers use a close up shot to highlight Darren’s reflection on the issue, where “ Despite my harsh response.. I am emotionally affected, it has had a profound effect on me personally and spiritually” the close up shot reveals the finest nuances of expression, where Darren is portrayed to be in a deeply emotional state. Retell. Such that, Darren’s discoveries had confronted his opinions cause him to undergo an evolution of character illustrating his acceptance and renewed values. But what is the effect on us? The participants renewed perspectives and values on the refugee crisis elucidates the confronting and provoking nature of discovery to generate new ideas about how we relate to the world.

My big piece of feedback for that paragraph is the removal of retell. Don't tell me what happened in the text (the marker has read it), focus on how techniques are used to create meaning for ME as a responder!! This will also allow you to be more succinct. For example:

She is seen reflecting on Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Furthermore, the montage also consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience.

Can be turned into:

The emphatic statement, "It certainly isn't living," is accentuated through a montage, voiceover and melodramatic soundtrack, culminating in the evocation of sympathy and reason within the audiences.

By removing the plot, you can be more succinct, though this sentence is still missing a link to Discovery 

Paragraph 2

Spoiler

The process of discovery can be confronting and provocative leading to new perspectives. Good. O’Mahoney’s “Go Back To Where You Came From (Episdode1)” introduces each participant through indirect interviews and cut scenes to reveal their own political/ideological stance on the issue of refugee migrants. ... Thus establishing a variety of perspectives for consideration by the audience, perhaps? Raye’s experiences within the documentary can be juxtaposed with her original perspective “serve you bastards right” versus her new perspective post Malaysian raid, where she doesn’t “call that criminal”. Take yourself OUT of the text, you need to be referencing the composers choices (the director most likely), not the characters. The use of close ups, action music and various camera angles help convey the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. How? What are they accentuating? The change in Raye’s perspective demonstrates the process of discovery and how confrontation alters her own opinion and offers a new perspectives. What techniques accentuate this symbolism? Furthermore, Adam is seen to undergo significant transformative change as a consequence of confronting and provocative discoveries. The planned journey in episode 1 reveals Adam’s opinion where “ we are spending millions of dollars housing these criminals” which is contrasted with his opinion in Episode 4 “ the people who touched me the most was the ASF Hospital”. Retell. The categorisation of refugees from criminals to people within his speech demonstrates the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. Be more specific, what is confronting/provoctive about it? I appreciate the links to the question but you need a little more detail. Through the use of high to low camera angles to capture the shift in Adam’s opinions, the documentary demonstrates the process of Adam’s change as his own ignorance of the issue is diminished through his confronting discoveries allowing for a new perspective. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to confront and provoke responders and lead to new perspectives. Good, simple conclusion that links to the question well.

For this paragraph, your focus should be a greater focus on audience impact! Remember, composers portray ideas for their audience, you must discuss the effect of techniques on us! Does the montage evoke sympathy and thus teach me about the fragility caused by discovery? Does figurative language make the concept more relatable? Think about what the technique teaches ME about discovery, what is teaches US about responders, and make this obvious in the response 

Just two bits of feedback to consider, of course read all my comments and let me know if you have any questions!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey there, just wondering if someone could please check out my discovery essay. I've found AOS as one of the hardest modules for me some reason so heaps of critical feedback would be awesome!! Thanks so much

Hey liiz! I'd be happy too, but you've had 3 essays marked already, you need 20 posts to qualify for another set of feedback, sorry!! Let me know when you hit it and I'll add it to my list 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello could you please mark my discovery essay , particularly i need help with thesis clarity, i dont know how to get my points across without sounding convoluted hehe.

Hey there! No problem, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!!

Spoiler

To a large extent, discovery encompasses the conflation between the undercurrents of one’s internal and external landscape. Interesting Thesis! Not seen it before, but I like it! By extension, tensions within this dichotomous relationship may engender self- actualisation in a transient and fleeting manner. This holds particularly true in Robert frost’s bucolic poems “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening” (SBW) and “After apple picking”  (APP) which demonstrates this notion of transience through an interplay between physical and mental aesthetic states. Good. Thereafter, the romantic artwork “ The Savage State” by Thomas Cole demonstrates the differing outcomes of these discovery. Slight expression issues there. Utilising rustic and pantheistic reverences, composers exemplify discovery as integral to an individual’s development and maturation in life through reconciling with the dualities afflicted on an individual. Ultimately exploring discovery as a combination of both fluid and discrete entities. That last sentence should be just tacked onto the one prior: Great intro!! Some massively sophisticated ideas coming across, so much so that I do think it is a little crowded. I think you need to strip back a bit and simplify a tad, you can get fancy later, a Thesis is the chance for one big clever idea.

Discovery may be precipitated by an amalgamation of one’s life experiences and the deliberate seeking out of profound emotions. Good, nice and conceptual. Frosts lyrical composition demonstrates this idea through the lens of nature illustrating the weariness and weltschmerz associated with achieving a sense of discovery as an incremental exercise. Good. The irregular rhyme scheme compounded with the recurrent participles indicating labour in “ my two long pointed ladder sticking through a tree” accentuate the personas clouding fatigue and his inability to fill the “ empty barrels” which represent the aspirations that were abandoned. By implication, the process discovery is demonstrated as mentally exhausting and disempowering. With the power of your writing, you could make those two sentences into one if you wanted. Be succinct! Furthermore, the sibilant dictions of “scent.. strangeness.. sight”  and olfactory imagery induce a trance like atmosphere allusive to Keats “ Ode to a Autumn” where the relaxing immersion of the former contrasts with the labour and resignation of Frost.  Thus exemplifying that an appreciation of discovery is proportional upon the deliberate process in which it is discovered. Good link back to the start, ensure this is done as often as possible, links are vital. Additionally, the hyperbole “ thousand thousand fruit” emphasises the futility of his quest for discovery in which he longs for. During his lifetime he has had “too much” of knowledge and is “overtired’ where he realises the incapability of achieving true discovery and how this realisation has catalysed his feelings of disillusionment. Don't discuss the impact on the persona in the text, shift it to the impact on us as an audience! Thus the speaker, through the personal discovery of his frailty and degeneration has made wider implications on the self -perpetuating capabilities of discovery. Great paragraph!

Rather than a fluid, incremental exercise, discovery may culminate in discrete and transient moments of ones experiences. Love your concepts. Extrapolating this is often instigated by abandonment of habitual routine and boundaries. Transcendalist poet Robert Frost’s bucolic work ‘SBW’ initially demonstrates this through diametrically opposing the primeval “woods” and civilised premise of the “village”, implying a temporal distinction between the stasis of the woods and the inevitable progression of the village. Thus the process of self -discovery is characterised to be passive, precipitated through static and transient moments of reflection. Excellent.  Furthermore the anthropomorphism of the “little horse” suggests an intimate relationship of familiarity with the persona, thus serving as a proxy for society and instinctive habitual routines. Be sure to tie the audience in explicitly to polish off your analysis! It is important to show what we learn. The notion posed is that when an individual rejects adherence one can transcend bestial qualities and achieve a sense of self. Moreover, the spatial-kinetic imagery in “between the woods and frozen lake” characterise nature as a particular space and precondition for spiritual discoveries as opposed to the physicality of the “farmhouse”. It is thus Frost focuses on these moments where the tangible and the spiritual/ pastoral intersect to exemplify nature’s capacity to engender feelings of alienation which catalyses a discrete and cathartic discoveries. This holds particularly true in the lexical chain “lovely dark and deep” “darkest evening of the year” where in a fleeting moment of self- reflection the persona discovers the alluring and serene nature of darkness. Thus showing the audience... By extension, this austere and tragic view of life modulated by the metaphysical use of detail indicate a departure of the romantic genre. Instead of nature as a mystical kinship with the human mind, Frost views it as a reflection of the realities of death. Thus Frost examines the transient nature of discovery when an individual abandons ritualistic attitudes and the potential profundity on one’s identity. This conclusion doesn't quite match with your introduction: This indicates that your focus hasn't quite been maintained.

Akin to “APP” and “SBW” immersion in to the natural landscape is seen to arise both discrete and continuous forms of discovery. Coles “ The  Savage State” portrays the sublimity of rustic landscapes through a chiaroscuro fade contrasted with the salience of colour emphasizing the dynamic relationship of an individuals internal and external landscape. You've jumped into the text much faster in this paragraph, maintain your style! The vectors directed towards the trees with hues of orange and yellow encapsulate the discrete discoveries an individual undergoes reaching self- actualisation as the trees are implied to be a tangent holistically in the picture. Don't tell me about the text: That last phrase is redundant and can be removed! Contrastingly this is opposed by the trail of dark clouds compounded with the personified sharp fangs consuming the sky ; metaphorically implying that discoveries are engendered by a accumulated set of experiences stumbling upon obstacles and hardships. More importantly the salience to the pre-eminent and intangible high cliff, overshadowing the house in the bottom right of the rule of thirds share the same sentiments and essence of frosts literature.  Cole details an extended motif of human insignificance upon the grand scale of landscapes, highlighting the nihilistic undertones within the personas in “ APP”and “SBW”.  Thus Cole entails discovery as a multifarious notion having the capacity to engender both empowering and disempowering emotions. This paragraph lacks the conceptual sophistication of your paragraphs on Prescribed, but interestingly, it is quite clear!

In conclusion discovery is thus a polysemic notion which entails self-actualisation in many different ways however achieving same profundity on one’s identity and worldview. This does NOT match with your Thesis above, that's a warning bell for me as a marker: Have you maintained the same idea throughout? Robert frosts agrarian revolving poems “ APP “ and “ SBW” contrasted with Thomas Coles “ The Savage State” effectively presents this dynamic relationship as one that has both empowering and disempowering outcomes. You need a bit more depth here: What concepts have you raised? What does the audience learn?

I think the fact that you are concerned about clarity is interesting, because it's quite a common concern for students with a powerful vocabulary like you. It's fascinating that those with perhaps the best words for the job, admit they have troubles with expression! Curious indeed 

Okay, so I agree that clarity is an issue, for two reasons. One, your concepts aren't maintained through paragraphs, and essentially, the essays Thesis doesn't match with the conclusion, primarily because the Thesis has so much going on. Two, your expression is sometimes excessively verbose for what you are describing, causing you to stray from the initial point of the paragraph and/or make the reader work harder to interpret your ideas.

It is my personal belief that the key to using a powerful vocabulary properly is to write simply; then deliberately employ powerful word choices in specific locations to communicate large amounts of meaning at key points. Not everywhere, just where it is important. I'll be honest, your vocabulary is better than mine (a few words required a Google, I'm an honest man  ), and your expression is more intense than my chosen writing style. For me, this makes it harder to access your ideas, and if it's tough for me, I imagine it would be at least slightly difficult for a marker too. Of course your ideas are fantastic, but you don't want a marker to work to give you marks. You want to make it easy on them.

So, two ideas to fix clarity. One, I want you to go through every sentence and ask yourself, does this directly link to the first sentence in my paragraph? Not subtle, explicit, is the link OBVIOUS to the reader? If not, then rework it until it is! Ensure everything links back directly to the main idea of the paragraph, and then, ensure each paragraph intro and conclusion links explicitly to your Thesis, clarity through consistency

Then, rework your Thesis. Give me one big sentence at the start that introduces what you want to discuss, then introduce nothing new. No "as well as" or "in addition to", just more detail on that one idea. That will give you focus in the Thesis which will follow through 

Expression is trickier; it just comes with brutal honesty with yourself. Is what you've written the simplest way to say what you want to say without losing meaning? That's what you want, all the meaning in the simplest way possible! Word choice will be an effective way to communicate complex ideas more quickly, but for identifying techniques, linking to the audience, etc, the expression can be much more simple.

I hope this feedback helps! Of course more general stuff is threaded through the essay in bold, let me know if you have any questions 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey

I was wondering if you would be able to have a look at my AOS essay. I would love it if you could mark harshly and let me know what I should change/improve. I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis. I am planning on memorising this essay for my trials next week. Do you have any suggestions on how I should manipulate this essay and my thesis to the exam essay question?

Thanks so much for this opportunity to mark my essay

Hey Angie! Sure thing, the essay is attached with comments in bold!

Oh, and I know there are people who question why this marking service is a public resource. Beyond keeping my schedule safe (though I am marking at 2:30am, so that's gone anyway  ):

I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis?

That is why it is public. Because by posting and getting feedback, you are also helping others address weaknesses in their own writing. So good on you guys 

Spoiler

Discovery has the potential to challenge or affirm beliefs about the human experience and the world

The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the impact is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery. Fantastic Thesis, clever and effective. Ivan O’Mahoney’s documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ (2011) (“Go Back…”) explores the physical and emotional ramifications of a reverse refugee journey on representative participants. Peter Skrzynecki’s poetry “Crossing the Red Sea” and “Leaving Home” similarly examines the significant impacts of discovery upon refugees fleeing war-torn Europe. Both texts invite the responder to experience the intensely meaningfully journey of discovery that affirms or challenges an individual’s imbedded beliefs. Great introduction, works very well, only thing I'd add is a list of what your paragraphs will be discussing in terms of themes!

The transformation of an individual’s beliefs may be stimulated by an environment that impels discovery. Great conceptual start! O’Mahoney’s documentary opens with a pastiche of archival news footage and comments from politicians to “stop the boats”, representing the society’s view towards the “issue that divides a nation,” juxtaposing with the editorial cut to emotional and polarising footage of a sinking refugee boat. Excellent, but perhaps a tad too long a sentence? This provides factual, contextual information about the circumstance that stimulates the necessity of discovery whilst foreshadowing the documentary/reality tv’s purpose to evoke empathy among the audience. Excellent, audience focused analysis here! The platform for each of the participant’s discoveries is introduced through indirect interviews, allowing the responder to identify with the political ideologies of a participant and experience their discoveries. Raye’s harsh belief in her superior identity is encapsulated in an establishing low angle shot where she states in an aggressive tone: “I could’ve gone over with a gun and shot the lot of them [asylum seekers]…” Reword that sentence slightly to say the director CHOOSES that shot to accentuate her viewpoint, just to keep the focus on the techniques and the composer. The documentary/reality tv hybrid evokes injustice and irony through the mise-en-scene of her expansive farm, juxtaposing with the refugees who are imprisoned in the Denverbrackie detention centre next door. Slightly retell here. This positions the audience to identify her as a hypocritical and xenophobic representation of society’s increasing resentment towards asylum seekers. And immediately redeemed  Similarly, in “Crossing the Red Sea”, the persona’s exile from Poland after WWII initiates the necessity for discovery. Try to avoid retell even when introducing a text. It's not the persona's exile that communicates Discovery after all, it is Skrzynecki's techniques! The negative red imagery: “Blood leaves similar dark stains…rusted irons”, allows the audience to visualise the suffering of the immigrants which functions as a platform for their journey to freedom. They escape as “Neither masters nor slaves/As we crossed a sea”. The collective pronoun “we” and the juxtaposition of “masters” and “slaves” suggests the collective need to flee which ultimately leads to a journey of discovery. Thus, an individual’s personal context and environment stimulates discoveries that may affirm or challenge their perspectives. A great paragraph, you are definitely hammering the audience stuff home which is great! You are retelling a little bit though, be careful, and ensure that your first sentence permeates through the paragraph! It got a little lost along the way for me.

The confronting nature of discovery may challenge an individual’s perception towards themselves and others. Raye’s personal and emotive interaction with the Masudi family in the Kakuma Refugee Camp allowed her to “see” rather than “look” at the sufferings of the refugees. By using a 'character' (albeit real) from the text, you set up a section based on retell. Avoid! Her transformed perception that “if [improving the life of my children] meant getting on a boat I would probably go ahead and do it,” is reinforced through the visual metaphor of the setting sun. This symbolises the end of Raye’s original, parochial view towards refugees whilst the inevitability of the rising of a new day parallels her newfound enlightenment and compassionate identity. This is good stuff, you just need to frame it in a more conceptual light, talk about how the composer epitomises these changes! Similarly, Adam’s physical experience working with the Chin refugees challenges his initial belief of refugees as “criminals.” His empathetic discovery that “At home, guys labouring have got a pay cheque to go to…These guys have got nothing” is reflected through the emotional non diegetic music. What is the fact on the audience? Furthermore, the long shot of him working in the fields demonstrates the stark contrast between his privileged life on the shore of Cronulla. Shifting towards retell a little bit here. This manipulated the responder to reflect on their own fortunate life and evoke a sense of empathy towards refugees. Ensure all analysis is done in present tense ("manipulateS"). Skrzynecki’s similarly conveys how discovery can transform an individual’s beliefs. At the beginning, the persona’s belief that “The sea’s breath touched the eyes of another Lazarus” employs biblical allusion to indicate his belief in the salvation and resurrection that his migrant journey will lead to. This juxtaposes the metaphor at the end of the poem “blood rimmed horizon beyond whose waters the equator was still to be crossed” where the future is compared with “blood”, highlighting the persona’s discovery of the dangers and suffering endured in the journey to seek freedom and safety. Audience impact? What do we therefore learn about confronting discoveries? Therefore, discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. As above, check your first sentence and then your conclusion in this paragraph. They don't quite match, indicating your conceptual focus has been lost somewhere amongst your examples. I did this a lot in the HSC, be careful!

Discoveries, as well as a resistance to discovery, may also affirm an individual’s belief. Gleny enters the social experiment with an optimism that her experiences will reinforce her perspective that Australia has the “capacity to take more refugees.” Retell. Her views are affirmed by her discoveries of the inhumane conditions the refugees endure throughout the journey. Gleny’s rhetorical question during her reflection at the end of the series: “Why wouldn’t one person take the opportunity to jump on a boat and save their family?” challenges the responder to undertake a more compassionate view towards asylum seekers whilst the zoom in on her face convinces the viewer to adopt her perspective. Perfect audience link! However, you are in an affirming paragraph, shouldn't this have been in the previous section? Contrastingly, Darren’s refusal to accept his discoveries results in the affirmation of his initial belief that “I’m not going to call them queue jumpers anymore, probably system dodgers.” The diegetic laughing and panning shot of the other participants satirises Darren’s unwillingness to be ideologically receptive to his experiences, manipulating the responder to depart from his views. Awesome. In “Crossing the Red Sea,” the persona’s journey of discovery reaffirmed and reconnected him with his traditional identity. Retell. He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage. See below for an example of abstracting your analysis.However, in “Leaving Home,” the persona adamantly refuses to embrace his job relocation employing a cynical and satiric tone “I waited three hours for a two-minute interview” to reveal his frustration. His journey of discovery to the new destination reaffirms his initial attitude where the metaphor at the end of the poem “Their naked, hairless bodies the colour of sour milk” allows the responder to consider the continuation of his negative attitude. Thus, discoveries can also reaffirm an individual’s initial values. This one is better, though I'm still noticing a fair bit of retell.

In conclusion, the confronting and emotional process of discovery allows an individual to gain greater knowledge and understanding of the human experience and the world, resulting in the affirmation of transformation of their perspective. Both ‘Go Back’ and Skrzynecki’s poetry explore how the migrant experience allows an individual to discover their identity, how hope during the refugee process encourages discovery, and how discovery of the truth results in a transformed perception towards the controversial issue. Both texts encapsulate the experiences and impact of a migrant journey and encourage their audience reconsider their position and initial prejudices towards the issue of refugees. A solid conclusion! Ticks the boxes, texts re-introduced, very strong links to question and Thesis re-stated. Awesome!

You absolutely smash the audience part of your analysis Angie, good on you! That worked really well to make me realise the universal impacts of the concepts, great work 

A few comments on things to improve! First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer. Let's look at realistically what that looks like:

He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage.

Becomes:

Skrzynecki's use of the colour red as a motif is symbolic of his own Polish heritage, and communicates how cultural icons such as "red banners" and "red poppies" can heavily influence individual discoveries.

I move OUT of the text and instead focus purely on Skrzynecki's representational choices! Not the persona, but the  composer this is a more sophisticated approach that I recommend you try, the best analysis sentences always contain the name of the composer and something that they do to create meaning (technique, form or style) 

I also want you to focus on ensuring your topics are held through your entire paragraphs. The concepts did tend to overlap between paragraphs, try and establish a clear extinction and ensure every example links to the audiences belief on the nature of the human experience (the question). Essentially, I think you could answer the question more directly, so keep that in mind too!

Beyond this, smaller issues. A few places where some tidy is needed, but those are the big bits of feedback, let me know if you had any questions 

Oh, and the best way to prepare to adapt an essay for an exam is to grab as many past papers as you can and dot point your essays. Write your Thesis, then dot point the quotes/ideas for each paragraph. Ensure you can do this for as many questions as possible to feel prepared, and practice writing lots of introductions. They are the hardest bit to tailor. Practice makes perfect!!